


Sun Pearl

by Fox_155



Series: Heaven (NCT Hybrid AU) [11]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (as in past suicide attempts), (no major character of course), (not super explicit), Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Assault, Chronic Illness, Depression, Eating Disorders, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Healing, Homophobia, Hybrid Rights, Hybrids, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Past Rape/Non-con, Personal Growth, Rape/Non-con Elements, Secret Relationship, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Stereotypes, Suicide, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, slander
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 39
Words: 198,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_155/pseuds/Fox_155
Summary: Donghyuck knew he was lucky.Extremely lucky even. How many Hybrids could say they had been bought by a wealthy family, that had treated them with nothing but respect and showered them in love? Not many.He had been given the chance to push down boundaries and to challenge the system that abused Hybrids as lesser beings. There was no excuse for failure! He had no room to slack off when others like him suffered!So why could he not shake the demons that haunted him, why could he not forget and overcome this anxiety that made him wake up in a cold sweat and gasping for air?Why was he so weak when he didn‘t want to be?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: Heaven (NCT Hybrid AU) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1343050
Comments: 1379
Kudos: 767





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the people and this story isn't by any means an accurate representation of the people by whom it is inspired by.
> 
> Hello, it’s me, the person who cannot let go of her AUs and has to write spin-offs. This is a sequel to the Heaven series. You don’t HAVE to read the prequels to understand this (I hope lol), but I think it’d REALLY help a lot. 
> 
> Can you believe I’m actually writing a Donghyuck POV fic and it’s NOT Markhyuck? I know, shocking. But I’m here to dive into new territory – story-wise and pairing-wise. I had this set up in Moon Diamond bc I, originally, wanted to write this as the second part. This caused me a lot of headaches before it ever saw the light of day and I wasn’t sure if it would for the longest time. Well, it’s here now, but I haven’t finished writing it, so there’s still a chance I’ll abandon it and you’ll probably never see me again OTL.
> 
> Is it realistic I torture all my characters in this one AU? No, but we’re here for the drama, so pls ignore that, thank you. 
> 
> Thank you so much to Nekofae, who helped me figure out what I was doing (I still mainly don’t know what I am doing, that’s how I roll lol) and where to go from where I was stuck <3 And thank you to EVERYONE who supports this AU. I’m always overwhelmed by how many of you there are and I appreciate it so, so much!!
> 
> PLEASE MIND THE TAGS!!! All TWs are in there.

The immigration officer glared at the passport, then up at Donghyuck, who threw him a beaming smile, then back at the passport.

“It says your owner is called Lee Haneul in here.”

“Yes.” Donghyuck felt his muscles starting to cramp from the fake beam. There had been a lot of fake beams over the last 24 hours, and a lot of officials everywhere getting on his nerves. It was like jetlag wasn’t bad enough already.

Remember the reputation, Donghyuck kept telling himself.

If he bitched about them being borderline offensive and clearly as incompetent as a sack of potatoes, it’d hurt not only his image. He was standing here for an entire fraction of the population that’d get labelled if he slipped up.

Well, they already were labelled. But labelled worse.

Was that unfair?

Yes.

Was it still the reality he and thousands of others had to make do with?

Also, yes.

“And?” The man raised an eyebrow.

“And what?”

“Well, you permit is signed by a Minhyung.”

“Yes, that’s her son. You can see he’s registered as the second owner, that’s on page three, the one after the one you’re currently on.” Donghyuck instructed.

The man slowly flipped the page like this was the first time he was seeing a passport. Next to Donghyuck, the third person since he had arrived at the counter waltzed past the officer in charge of that line.

A toddler might be faster handling his passport and immigration papers than this man. Because a toddler, at least one young enough, wouldn’t go and decide that Donghyuck didn’t deserve the same treatment as everybody else and unnecessarily stretch the process just because they could.

Donghyuck wanted to call him out and demand him to do his fucking job, but he couldn’t.

_A few years ago, he would have._

Donghyuck tried to smile politer, brighter, so he’d finally let him pass.

He was tired.

So tired.

“Ah. I see it now.” The man grumbled and started to squint to compare Mark’s two signatures. Donghyuck leaned against the wooden cabin. Another woman quickly passed through next to him.

The reason why those people were going past like it was a race, while Donghyuck was waiting for a miracle, was simple. Or, well, in theory, it was simple.

They were humans, he was a Hybrid.

Not much difference, in theory. A few genes, a tail, a little fur, hardly anything else.

In reality, the differences between them were made as huge as the Pacific Ocean he had just spent more than half a day flying over.

“Well, it looks like it’s legit.” The man muttered and slapped the passport close, pushing it over the counter. The golden stamp of the “Republic of Korea” shone on the front. It looked almost like a normal passport.

If not for the nice little “Hybrid-Passport” on the bottom making sure that it wasn’t. Like anyone would mistake Donghyuck, with the triangular ears, multi-coloured orange hair, and green eyes with slit pupils, for a human.

This was about principle. They had to keep reminding everyone of the difference whenever possible. It was present everywhere, of course, it wouldn’t be missing on an official document.

He was so tired.

“Thank you.” Donghyuck chirped, with another fake smile, and picked up his rucksack before finally walking out on the other side.

The familiar letters on the signs made him almost forget his bad mood.

Hangeul. Finally!

He was home!

Only for the summer, but it was home!

He pushed his passport into the pocket of his sweatpants, to where his inhaler was stored away, and followed the signs to baggage claim.

His tail ached. He had sat for much too long, unable to properly move it. Hybrids weren’t made for that. The window-place had been nice because he had had a good view, but he also had been stuck there, only daring to ask the woman next to him to let him past two times, to use the restroom.

So she wouldn’t think poorly of him.

Because he was there not only for himself but also for all other Hybrids, cat Hybrids in particular, and he wanted her to have a good impression, in case she met Hybrids in the future. If he had been too selfish or too outspoken, she might get back at him through them. Hurt them.

Donghyuck couldn’t do that, just in case.

_A few years ago, he would have._

Donghyuck connected his phone to the airport wi-fi and it immediately chimed with notifications. He scratched his neck, wiggling his finger under his collar, and started replying. First to Mark, to tell him he had arrived safe and sound and was currently hoping his luggage had as well. And then their parents, and, finally, Johnny.

It had been one and a half years since Donghyuck had left South Korea, Seoul, his home he had grown up in. With it, he had left Johnny behind, as well as his friends, the mattress with the perfect mix of firm and soft, the yellow walls with the sun on the side that should have a window but didn’t, and basically his whole life.

It had been scary.

He had missed everything and everyone, even though he shouldn’t have.

He had missed Johnny, in particular.

They weren’t related, but Donghyuck wouldn’t hesitate to call Johnny his older brother. Family didn’t have to be connected through blood, in his opinion. Especially not in a system where Hybrids normally were denied the whole idea of having this place of unconditional love and support.

Johnny was the type of bigger brother to boast about. He was huge and had always easily carried Donghyuck around – still did. His patience was endless, even with someone like Donghyuck, who admittedly could be a tiny little bit annoying sometimes. Hardly ever had he and Johnny fought, actually, the only few times they had, it had been Donghyuck vastly overstepping boundaries and completely at fault.

Even then, Johnny would be the one to apologise first.

He was perfect and Donghyuck loved him with all his heart.

He was also part of why Donghyuk had become the person he was.

Of course, he had seen Johnny since he had left Seoul. They had met here and there.

The Lee family, as of right now, was scattered all over the globe: Their parents were in London, where their mother was currently working. Johnny had stayed in Seoul, with his boyfriend and his photography gig. Mark had gone to Vancouver for college, the place he considered his hometown as he had grown up for the majority of his early childhood there. That had been where Donghyuck had accompanied him to, 17 months ago.

From there, Donghyuck had followed his own goal of getting a higher education. It hadn’t been easy, no, actually, it had been next to impossible. He didn’t have a school diploma, no proof of his education. It’d be hard to get since there were no schools in Seoul, or in South Korea overall, that accepted Hybrids.

Actually, there was one primary school now, but back when Donghyuck had been younger, there hadn’t been. Because he was part of the people who had fought so it’d be opened.

It wasn’t like colleges would accept you if you applied with your primary school grade sheet either. Regardless, it was an important first step. The school ensured the most basic general, unbiased education and socialisation for those Hybrids of breeders progressive enough to understand the old system wasn’t going to be sustainable in the long run.

Still, he hadn’t had anything at all to prove he was suitable for college. Only stubbornness and taking the SATs under his owner’s name (stupid hat and coloured contacts and all) had let Donghyuck succeed in the end. That, and the public interest in Hybrid rights making it a fabulous PR stunt for Vassar College to accept a Hybrid as the first college on this half of the globe.

Donghyuck wasn’t going to lie to himself and say it was purely his skills. No, no.

It was likely to be replicated this year – more colleges, more Hybrids.

More washing their images clean after being the ones supporting studies that implied Hybrids weren’t on humans’ level of sentience and rationality.

More quick forgetting they were also at fault for the abuse and even killing of millions of innocent Hybrids because they had been denied rights and seen as speaking pets rather than people. Still were in most of the world.

Donghyuck had to be fine with being a PR stunt and he had to be fine with colleges wanting to change and break away from their past wrongdoings without apologising or even admitting fault. Maybe there was genuineness behind it. Who knew?

He didn’t have any other choice if he wanted to get this education, that he knew was the key to independence, was the important next step in the bigger picture of pressing for equal rights – far down the line.

The rumour of special treatment didn’t really make finding friends easy, but it was fine.

He had to be fine with everyone turning their heads away wherever he went because he was seen as out of place, as undeserving, and as nothing but a joke.

As nothing but a toy for the bedroom.

That wasn’t new.

He could survive for four years. He was there to show them all that he actually had what it took to finish his bachelor’s in physics and go to law school after.

The whole law school thing still seemed pretty unlikely, but Donghyuck had never stepped down from a challenge. Getting into college had seemed unlikely, too, and it had still happened.

He was determined to help overhaul the system that made Hybrids objects, or at best animals, who weren’t treated equally as humans even though they were. It had been his goal ever since being given the first chance to make his voice heard when he had been 16, three years ago.

Honestly, when he had first started out, it had felt like this would be a quick number. The public’s attention in South Korea had been easily woken, courts had ruled in favour of Hybrids. Donghyuck had dreamt of burning his collar – not because he hated Mark, but because it was a symbol of being inferior – and going to university with all his same-aged friends.

He had learnt that, unfortunately, reality didn’t work like a determined 16-year-old’s brain.

Systems and traditions were cemented into place, hardly budging. Instead of easily abolishing all the problems, they worked in baby steps.

Primary schools for the little ones, obligatory consultation before the euthanasia of a Hybrid, free travel with the owner’s permission, along those lines.

Evolution, not revolution.

Those who had pushed to overthrow the system had been met with walls to run into, smashing their faces onto them instead of breaking them down.

Some had given up.

Some had not.

But all had to realise they were stuck in a huge system, able to only block small gears, not let it break down just because they stopped moving with the flow.

Including Donghyuck.

He saw his suitcase fall onto the belt. Thank god it hadn’t gotten lost on the way. It was always his biggest worry when travelling: that he’d end up with only the underwear and clothing he had on his body, and no toothbrush. Truly, a terrifying scenario.

People were blocking the baggage claim all around the belt, leaving Donghyuck no choice but to squeeze between two men, who were eying the bags like they were eagles looking for mice.

He had forgotten how heavy his bag was and nearly overbalanced when he pulled it off the moving carousel, but he easily caught himself. He didn’t have a tail only because it was cute, which, it was, but it also made him light on his feet and hard to push off them.

It looked sort of fun to ride on but Donghyuck was too jetlagged to really entertain the thought. Nevermind it was forbidden. Of course.

Realising it had been a Hybrid that had pushed himself through between them, the men now suddenly all but jumped out of his way. Donghyuck rolled his eyes and marched past them. Discrimination because of his freaking ears having a little fur on them – what else was new?

They mumbled something about his clothes like it was their business.

Donghyuck considered challenging for an argument.

_A few years ago, he would have._

The prospect of seeing Johnny in less than three minutes and jetlag making him feel like he was 90, or older, outweighed his sense for justice. In the end, they’d only purse their lips and walk away still thinking he was a toy to be taken by anyone who wanted.

It was whatever. He didn’t care.

He kept walking and followed the signs to the customs and exit.

Donghyuck had to get used to people around him speaking Korean again, not English. He had to really arrive mentally, before completely understanding he was actually home.

Home!

A smile spread on his lips and Donghyuck picked up the pace to hurry through the green doors, nothing to declare, and finally out into the huge arrival area.

Many times, he had waited for their parents here. Now, it wasn’t him scanning the people coming from the glass doors, but he exited through them and tried to find familiar faces among the crowd waiting.

“Hyuckie!” someone yelled, and he turned his head, finding a huge man waving both arms excitedly.

A small yip left his lips as excitement bubbled in his tummy. Donghyuck fell into a sprint, his rucksack slapping against his back and his tags tingling, the suitcase thundering over the floor behind him. His lungs burnt and he was going to regret this, but right now, it was the best feeling in the world.

“Johnny-Hyung!” Donghyuck easily launched himself off the tiled airport ground and into Johnny’s arms, who caught him. His suitcase rolled a little further, but Johnny’s boyfriend stopped it before it could cause any damage.

He couldn’t help it. He had told himself not to cry, but as he felt the strong arms hoist him up, he started bawling into Johnny’s shoulder, struggling to get enough air. “I missed you!”

He had missed someone holding him tightly, supporting him.

Johnny smelt of laundry detergent Donghyuck didn’t know, but his personal scent was still there, familiar, soothing but not really because that familiarity made him sob harder and gasp for air with less success because his lungs were cramping.

“There, there,” Johnny patted his head gently. “You’re here now, aren’t you?” His voice was so familiar and it was almost the same as over the phone, but not really. It was so much better. No disruptions, no alterations, no cracking of the line.

Not to mention how warm Johnny was and how amazing his hug felt even though he struggled to breathe.

Donghyuck never wanted to let go, but he knew he had to and he’d have Johnny for a full three months from now. He sniffed before drying his eyes on the other’s shirt and pulling back. Johnny set him down and Donghyuck reached into his pocket, shaking his inhaler as he brought it up.

One press and simultaneous breath in, hold it…

“Hi, Ten-Hyung.” He finally greeted while the salbutamol immediately kicked in and Ten chuckled.

“Hey, Donghyuck.”

He opened his arms to hug him and Donghyuck only hesitated for a silly second. No, this was okay, Ten was safe to hug.

“Did you grow again?” Johnny gasped, and Donghyuck rolled his eyes.

“Hyung, the growing period is over for me. I haven’t grown at all, it’s just because you think I’m as tiny as Ten-Hyung, and I’m not.”

“Excuse me?”

Ten poked a sharp finger into Donghyuck’s side, who jerked away and squeaked.

“Well, to me you’ll always be my tiny Hyuckie,” Johnny announced and took the suitcase from Ten.

Donghyuck wanted to think of a quick reply, but he came up empty, his head all mushy and gross from Johnny’s cheesy words and the jetlag doing the rest to inhibit his thinking ability.

Instead, he pushed his arm through Johnny’s and clung to him, letting him pull him through the airport just like his suitcase. Johnny wore long sleeves despite the summer heat outside surely being unbearable, but he always had. Donghyuck knew why.

“Lazy bum,” Ten scolded playfully, but he took Donghyuck’s free arm and Donghyuck pulled him just as tightly.

They started their march from the exit to the Metro.

The gates beeped with a swipe of t-Money cards and Donghyuck heard the ridiculous melody of the Seoul Metro system. They still hadn’t changed it or, better yet, gotten rid of it.

Even that didn’t bother him as much as he wanted. It was so familiar. He hadn’t missed it, not really, but it was part of Seoul just like the many coffee chain shops and aunties selling street food.

And Seoul was his home!

“I’m so excited to see everyone. So much happened since I left,” Donghyuck sighed.

He didn’t add that he often felt like everyone else was living a life completely different and disconnected from his own. He tried not to think too much about it because it’d only pull him down. It was normal that they didn’t text him every single detail.

For them, it was just life going on. For Donghyuck, it was their life suddenly going on without him being part of it. Whenever he missed things, often didn’t find out about them until much later – if at all –, he felt like the Pacific Ocean became a little wider.

He had his own life in the states.

Only… Donghyuck’s life in the states wasn’t really all that adventurous. He loved learning, he loved classes, but there wasn’t much else. It was fine for the time being, but eventually, Donghyuck knew he wanted to come back to Seoul, to his friends and part of his family. No one was made to be alone, but Hybrids usually had even stronger social needs.

That’s why he was here now, so they didn’t become strangers, living lives he no longer had a place in.

“Did much happen? Feels like in comparison to what happened when you were still there, not much has. Everything’s as normal.” Ten shrugged.

“Well, Jeno’s girlfriend broke up with him.” Johnny chipped in.

“Oh, yeah.” Ten nodded earnestly.

“Hyung, obviously, I already know that! That’s vital information! And I also know that she’s wrong and he deserves much better.” Donghyuck snorted.

He was glad he had known. He was overplaying it to cover the fear to realise all the small, not as life-changing things, that would have changed while he was gone. The fear to realise that he was here to keep his spot in the others’ lives – only to see he had already lost it. Or to not recognise the people he used to spend almost every day with because they had grown apart without him even noticing.

“Obviously.” Ten huffed, ever protective. Donghyuck clung to those things he did know and did recognise.

The train pulled into the station and they stepped inside, taking spots on the end of the walkway. Donghyuck sat down on his suitcase while Ten and Johnny hung to the poles.

The humans boarding sat down until all seats were taken. Donghyuck leaned against the wall. If he’d go back to 2016, better yet, 2017 and his wildest days, and told himself he’d be scared to take a seat on the Metro because he knew some or another human would hiss at him and make him leave it, reminding him of his place in society, he would have probably laughed and said no way would Hybrids still be stuck at this level in three years.

No way would he not hiss back and stay seated.

Well.

Here he was, scared to take a seat on a Matro train because he knew that’d happen and he was much too tired to try and argue some entitled human.

That was the other problem. Maybe the bigger of the two.

While he had been gone, not only the others had changed little by little, but so had he.

The Donghyuck who might still have a place here… was that the same Donghyuck that had come to take it?

That was, what he was the most scared of.

Getting from Incheon to Seoul took them an hour, and then they had to push through the afternoon crowd to get to Taeil’s house.

Gangnam looked changed. Gangnam always changed first, always ahead of time. This was where trends were born and formed.

But it also meant fewer people giving him shocked looks or trying to avoid touching him, and more people just walking past and not even looking up for a Hybrid.

There were a few of them on posters advertising clothes or cosmetics. Some superficial things that Hybrids would need and owners would happily buy.

It was reasonable to hope the models got paid for their work. So, Donghyuck could accept that, for now, it was only the sidelines where they stood. The boys and girls could earn themselves independence from their owners like that. They were paving the way for more of their kind – hopefully.

Just how Donghyuck had paved the way into college – hopefully.

Despite the humid heat, Donghyuck never let go of Johnny.

He couldn’t let go.

He couldn’t go to that house on his own. Where he might find out his place was long gone, replaced, erased from their lives.

He was scared to admit he was scared.

So, he pretended it was fine, he was just affectionate when he really needed Johnny’s strength and support to even set a foot in front of the other. To stand up tall and not buckle under the weight he had once not even felt and loaded onto himself, set on changing the world.

Now, it was crushing, but he didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t even want himself to know.

The building was familiar. Donghyuck had spent hours here, getting checked up and his medication adjusted.

No one adjusted it in the states. No one knew how. No one bothered to find out because he was fine enough.

So, he didn’t bother going to see them anymore.

The sterile office rooms downstairs weren’t where they were headed, of course. They used the door hidden in the tiny garden, through with you got into the living area. Donghyuck had spent hours here, too, folding flyers, writing speeches, blog posts, video scripts, articles, essays.

He had also spent hours cuddling and playing.

The scents were familiar, yet not. They were memories, distant ones.

The closet doors were shut, a floor-length mirror allowing him to see how sweaty Seoul’s summer had left him. The shoes on the ground were all lined up. A row of hooks with collars on them was right next to the entrance door, a family photo hung up over it. It must be recent, the cherry blossoms had been blooming and everyone was smiling. Donghyuck noticed they all looked older than he remembered them. Well, not older, no one was old yet.

But changed from when he had last seen them.

He tried to ignore it. If he didn’t think about it too much, he’d not get scared, he’d not feel this anxiety he didn’t want to have.

Donghyuck didn’t have anxiety.

He was confident and strong. He always had been. That was his brand.

If he lost that… he wouldn’t be himself anymore. No one would pay him any mind anymore. No one would bother putting up with his antics anymore.

No one would listen anymore.

So, he couldn’t let them know he was.

“I forgot how brutal Seoul summers are,” he instead said because the AC made him suddenly feel cold after just having melted into the asphalt.

“Yeah, the humidity really gets you.” Johnny pulled on his shirt, fanning himself. The long sleeves must make it even worse for him.

Donghyuck opened the clasp of his collar. Finally! The skin felt tender after he had worn it for so long without having a chance to ever take it off.

He felt his pulse, thundering, right under the sensitive skin. He ignored it.

His fingers shook a little when he hung the red leather band up where the nametag read ‘Jaemin’. Just to mess with him. Jaemin _hated_ it when people used ‘his things’. He was territorial like that. Doing exactly what got him heated, was Donghyuck’s shtick. He could always stand his ground, he was confident.

Right?

“I hear voices.”

“Stop pushing.”

“I was first, let me.”

“Get off me!”

Two people squeezed through the entrance hall door at the same time, and Jeno took an elbow to the face, which gave Jaemin a crucial advantage that he took.

“Donghyuckie!”

Donghyuck’s face broke into a smile matching Jaemin’s and he found himself wrapped in a tight hug, that immediately became even tighter when Jeno wrapped himself around the two of them.

None of the cramping muscles from fake smiles he had pulled the last two days of travelling.

“I missed you!” Jaemin yelled into his ear.

“I missed you more! We agreed I missed you more!” Jeno argued.

“I’ll be deaf before you can come to an agreement! Have some mercy on a tired traveller!” Donghyuck whined.

His heart was still thundering. In a good way, though.

They had missed him. That was good. A relief. A huge one.

Their hug was warm and crushing and exactly what he needed.

“But I missed you the most.” Jeno softly repeated.

“Wrong, both of you! I missed you the most!” Donghyuck announced and swallowed down tears. He wasn’t a cry-baby.

Jaemin and Jeno hesitated for a moment.

“Okay, seems fair.”

“If you’re sure about that. But I really missed you a lot.”

“Jeno, I swear, I’ll take the next plane back to Poughkeepsie and lock myself into my room with Netflix for three months,” Donghyuck had to cling to Jeno to not let his voice tremble.

He did _not_ want to be in New York.

All alone.

No, he wasn’t alone, he was here, he was still part of their lives, it would be fine.

He would be fine.

“No!”

“As if! You’d die without the attention.”

Jaemin wasn’t wrong.

There wasn’t a lot of attention being paid to Donghyuck in Poughkeepsie, at least not the type that he craved.

Here, he was immediately showered with it. He got his hugs, he got his overexcited puppies, who… weren’t really puppies anymore. When had Jeno out-grown him? He used to be his height, but now he definitely had an edge.

“Anyway, which room may I bless with my presence?” Donghyuck tried to ignore the small changes. They were small, unimportant.

Yet, they were new for him and he had known they’d be there yet they still hit him and he didn’t feel prepared at all.

“You mean ruin past recognition with your mess?” Ten drily asked.

“I don’t want to share with you and Johnny-Hyung, oh my god, my poor eyes, my poor ears, I’ll sooner sleep on the floor!” Donghyuck screeched and held his eyes shut.

He knew he was being annoying, but he was allowed here. Here, he was safe. No one would get back at him for it, no one would hurt him.

He could be himself here. He could be the Donghyuck, who had left 17 months ago. The one they must be expecting. The one he wasn’t sure he still was, but wanted to still be.

“Ha! I knew I had heard your voice. So it wasn’t just Jeno and Jaemin bringing down the house for no reason.”

Donghyuck peeked through his fingers and saw another Hybrid in the slowly crowding entrance hall.

His tail moved behind him slowly, speaking of agitation but not the excited whipping of the dogs. Elegant and poised – or something. Definitely deceiving looks, at least it had been like that. Donghyuck hoped it still was. He hoped it hadn’t changed.

“And since you just offered, you can sleep on the floor in my room. It’s wonderful, that way, I can keep my bed all for myself.”

“No! I take it back! I want a bed!” Donghyuck let go of Jeno and wrapped his arms around Guanheng. The other cat pretended to be appalled by touch and Donghyuck fought back by squeezing him tighter.

Guanheng had always been like this. He didn’t hate him. It was just something that hadn’t changed. That was good. Very good! Donghyuck didn’t let himself be pushed off and Guanheng quickly gave up and properly hugged back.

“Guanheng-Hyung keeps practising his speeches until the middle of the night, so I’d not be thankful before really knowing what you got yourself into.”

“Oh, so you wanna share, Jaemin? Last time I remember, it was impossible to even breathe onto your bed.” Guanheng raised a calm eyebrow. Jaemin puffed his cheeks.

“I got better at it. Jeno can lie on it now,” to confirm, Jeno nodded with a happy smile, making his ears flop around.

Guanheng threw Donghyuck a gaze that said he’d tell him later.

But Donghyuck knew he had missed something. He swallowed and tried to ignore it.

Everyone had welcomed him. Everyone had missed him. They were still his friends!

But there were changes that made it so painfully obvious a lot had happened between now and the last time Donghyuck had seen them in person.

Jeno had a new haircut, the sides shaved rather than just shorter, and he had not only out-grown him but also bulked up. Donghyuck could tell now that he stood a few steps away. Jaemin looked tall, too, but he had always been. Just not _this_ tall.

“Let’s get your stuff settled in Guanheng’s room. Lunch will be in…” Johnny checked his watch, “80 minutes.”

It was fine. He could be the Donghyuck they had expected to return. It was okay, he was okay, it’d all return to normal.

It just had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, to everyone who was trying to guess ships, here’s the solution – not spilling this in some comment was SO hard lol
> 
> Idk how fast updates will come. I only just got back into writing after struggling with my own anxiety. During these difficult times, I hope this is a place to flee into and forget. Please stay safe <3
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls check out [art of Donghyuck](https://twitter.com/KeiSugarbat/status/1246650487379767297) by Kei on Twitter <3

The place he would stay at was obviously not Johnny’s, nor Ten’s, nor Jeno or Jaemin’s.

Hybrids couldn’t own real estate.

It belonged to their owner: Taeil.

Well, not Johnny’s owner. That was the Lee family.

Also not Jaemin’s owner. That was Taeil’s fiancé.

So, only the other _ten_ Hybrids were his.

_Only._

Taeil had been nice enough to invite Donghyuck to stay for as long as he needed. Then again, Taeil was known for being altruistic, so taking in Donghyuck, his long-term patient and family friend, wasn’t even nearly one of his crazier ideas but just a calm Saturday afternoon. As evident by him owning _ten_ Hybrids.

Donghyuck wished he could make use of the offer and never leave again. Never risk missing something happening, someone changing.

Never changing into someone the others might not recognise.

Someone they would not want.

He couldn’t, of course. He had a plan for life, he had something to prove, to himself and the world. Most of all, to the assholes who thought he was a sex toy.

He was only here for a holiday.

He’d just return to normal, rechange, and then, going to college again wouldn’t be a plain nightmare anymore, but the blessing that it was again.

He couldn’t be weak. He couldn’t let anything stop him.

He wasn’t going to. This summer would be a break and then it’d be fine. He knew it would. It had to.

Guanheng’s room was in comfortable chaos, but the bed was freshly made. It wasn’t big, but it was big enough. There were many people living in this house. When Taeil had bought it, he had had a company pull in more walls, so there’d be rooms for everyone, as far as possible.

“I even emptied a part of my closet for you, but only because Ten-Hyung said it’d be a good idea so you didn’t have to live from your suitcase for a week.”

“And what Ten-Hyung says is the law, of course.” Donghyuck laughed. Guanheng rolled his eyes but didn’t deny it.

“So, put your shit here or not, I don’t care. And honestly, I do practise my speeches in the evening.”

Jealousy bubbled in Donghyuck’s gut. More of the feeling of having missed so much while he hadn’t been here. More fear that he had changed in ways he hadn't wanted to, could not return where he wanted to.

It had used to be him, Renjun, and Guanheng giving the most speeches, doing interviews, summits, demonstrations, just going from door to door to annoy people until they’d listen. They had been the faces of the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation in South Korea and by that of the Hybrid rights movement.

He wasn’t sure how it had happened because there had been and still were many people working towards their goal, but Donghyuck had had no stage freight, Guanheng had been very passionate to keep others spared the fate he had suffered, and Renjun had been a genius at how to squeeze an impossible number of schedules into a 24-hours-day and get the points across they needed without exceeding their speaking-time.

Donghyuck had a folder full of articles in which his photo had been used. He was proud of it, but he had chosen to leave it behind when he had realised he would never make it into college in South Korea.

He couldn’t blame Guanheng to keep going without him, on the contrary, that’d be ridiculous. Too quickly would all their progress be ruined by the people who had been unwilling, in the first place. If anything, he would have understood the others might have been miffed by him leaving them behind.

It was one of those things where Donghyuck knew he had left a hole and now it felt like that had closed and there was no room for him anymore.

There was no room there for a person who’d let humans trample over him, who was scared to challenge them, and who allowed himself to be disrespected.

They’d expect the Donghyuck of a few years ago.

The Donghyuck, who had gotten lost in New York.

“Sure, sure, I certainly don’t mind that,” He waved Guanheng off.

“You better not. I wondered if you wouldn’t want to join, anyway. The others asked, too. If you just want to relax that’s fine, of course, but you were always popular with the press.”

Donghyuck tried to swallow and say that sure, he could help their poor asses, he realised they needed his expertise and insight.

He wanted to be witty and cute about it. That was his brand.

But he couldn’t.

“Yeah. Sure.”

He felt sick.

Scared.

“You don’t have to,” Guanheng softly repeated, taking Donghyuck’s arm and pulling him closer, “You’re already doing more than anyone else could ever.”

Donghyuck felt his eyes get wet.

He wasn’t. He couldn’t let them know he wasn’t.

“Hey,” Guanheng pulled him into an embrace and Donghyuck couldn’t hold back anymore.

He wanted to.

But he couldn’t. It was already too much, even after he had only been here for a few hours.

Fuck.

Guanheng patted Donghyuck’s back.

“There, there, what happened to you? Did you catch Xiaojun-disease? Are you going to curse my ass out next?”

“N-no,” Donghyuck tried to calm down, but he was so… anxious. He also realised on how big a hugging and cuddling deficit he was running. Without close friends, especially Hybrid friends, who’d just ‘get it’, there had been a great lack of skinship.

It was overwhelming.

“But, like, are you okay?”

Was he okay?

“Yeah, of course, I am. I just missed you, doesn’t a man deserve to miss his friends?” Donghyuck swallowed his tears down. He nearly choked. It was too much, but he forced himself.

He couldn’t not be okay.

He had a movement that relied on him doing the right thing, being strong and confident.

He couldn’t break.

That’s why he was here, to recharge.

He’d be right back to normal-Donghyuck.

Hopefully.

“Oh. Okay. No, of course, you’re allowed to miss us. I’d miss us.”

Donghyuck took another second or two, then, he managed to straighten back up.

“Urgh. Sorry. Just. Jetlag.” It wasn’t the jetlag, at least not only. But he didn’t want to say it wasn’t.

Guanheng thought he was doing a lot. He couldn’t let him know he wasn’t.

“Need a tissue?”

“They’re on your bedside table? Can you at least try to be subtle? I swear, I’ll sleep on the freaking floor in the living room, this place is a hell hole!” Donghyuck dramatically announced.

“You can see your behind out, you ungrateful ass!” Guanheng threw the tissue his direction and Donghyuck easily caught it, “And don’t pretend like you have any shame or sense of privacy.”

He patted over his face and hoped his eyes weren't too blood-shot.

It’d be fine. No one had decided to kick him from their lives. He would go back and it would all be okay. This moment of weakness must have been… something. It wasn’t going to come back. It’d be fine now.

“Well, maybe I developed one,” Donghyuck couldn’t think about it too much.

“I doubt you did,” Guanheng grinned. He wouldn’t know why he had, he shouldn’t.

Don’t remember.

“So, what’s the deal with Jeno and Jaemin?”

Guanheng’s face turned mischievous.

“Oh, well, nothing. Yet. But that Jeno’s the only one who can lie on Jaemin’s bed? That’s not just because Jeno’s persisted enough. Yangyang keeps trying but Jaemin can’t handle him.”

Donghyuck felt a grin tug on his lips despite the emptiness that seemed to have opened in his chest upon realising someone else had spotted a crush before he had.

And between Jaemin and Jeno!

Playing Amor had been one of Donghyuck’s pride and joys. He had a proud collection of kissing photos of all the happy couples he had managed to get together. They also were blackmail material, of course, but he actually was more of a bleeding heart than he’d ever admit.

Love was such a beautiful thing.

He knew from experience.

Now, Guanheng had to get him up to date and it hurt. It fucking hurt.

“So? What did you do about that?”

“Nothing,” Guanheng shrugged.

“Nothing? Wow, that’s just sad,” Donghyuck had always done something about the crushes. He had always been successful.

Well, almost always. Mark was unsavable, not an ounce of romance in his entire body. He didn’t count.

There was one true failure on his record.

One true failure, that also didn’t count because…

“Honestly, I think they need more time. They’re clearly happy as they are now. And Jeno’s girlfriend just broke up with him. I don’t think they’re on the same page yet, it looks pretty one-sided. Messing would do more harm than good.”

Donghyuck knew some things needed time. He wasn’t the overeager 16-year-old anymore that couldn’t keep still for a single second but had to do something about everything. He felt like he should, though. He should be the first in line to subtly make each other notice signs, maybe provoke a bit of jealousy, so they’d get out of their shells?

Then again, no one would really benefit other than Donghyuck, trying to go back to being a boy he didn’t really know how to be anymore.

“Hm. Yeah, that makes sense, I forgot about her. Do you know what happened? They just got together, what, two weeks ago?”

Guanheng’s face darkened, “You know what they say. Hybrids and humans will never work out together. I’m starting to believe it myself, I’ve seen so many relationships break very shortly into it because there was such a lack of understanding. Obviously, Jeno would get protective over someone he likes. She couldn’t understand it. In turn, he couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to spend every waking second together.”

Hybrids and humans will never work out together.

It was something Donghyuck had only recently started to hear, maybe half a year ago. At least from Hybrids.

Humans had been saying that for longer.

Because humans were better than Hybrids. They saw them as affairs, at best, used them, at worst.

Most of them.

Not all.

Donghyuck didn’t hate all humans and he didn’t think they were irredeemable.

That he now heard this from his friend, made him feel uncomfortable. Even more uncomfortable than hearing about so many things that had happened during his absence.

This wasn’t a good development!

“You think that because of your ex, right?” Donghyuck frowned, remembering the broken heart Guanheng had nursed some months ago. He had gotten every detail, but it had been a situation he would have been happier to have missed.

He had been far away, unable to hug Guanheng and tell him to forget about the guy.

He had been in his dorm, fighting his own problems and not knowing where to even start.

Guanheng shuddered, “I guess, in a way. So, yeah, I’m not dating humans anymore and I told Jeno to do the same thing.”

“That’s sad.” Donghyuck meant that. It hurt to hear that, not only for his friends and their broken hearts and abused trust.

For himself.

He was a strong believer that love could right what was wrong and overcome borders.

If it was strong enough and the people willing to fight for it.

Which was why he had no room to talk.

“Not as sad as realising you can’t be with someone you really liked because your natures clash insurmountably. I mean, we aren’t humans, so we’re probably also not meant to be with them like that.”

Donghyuck felt his frown deepen and he was about to disagree with that when a knock interrupted them.

How could he say it was wrong when… it might not be?

How could he say it was worth fighting for when… he hadn’t done that?

“Come in, we’re decent,” Guanheng hollered.

The door opened and a head of grey hair poked inside.

“Donghyuckie! You’re back!” Taeyong broke into a beam. He opened it fully, to reveal another person in the hallway, waiting.

Donghyuck immediately recognised his apron, the same he had worn before he had left. Taeyong looked unchanged, from ear to tail. It made breathing a little easier and put a genuine smile on Donghyuck’s face despite the heavy talk he had just had.

He bounced over into Taeyong’s open arms, hugging him tightly.

“Yeah. I’m home!”

He was. It was all going to be okay now. He’d just have to believe it would be and work harder.

The first step back to normality were hugs.

A ton of them.

There were a ton of Hybrid living here, after all.

But, right now, there were only other two people home, who were offering to hug Donghyuck as a welcome-back.

Still, two people were two hugs, two wonderful hugs that he didn’t have to worry over, could accept because they were safe.

He first hugged Taeyong, who squeezed Donghyuck so tightly, he had to laugh because it was such a relief. Taeyong must have missed Donghyuck. The old Donghyuck. He didn’t know he was hugging a changed on, yet.

He couldn’t let him know.

After him, he hugged Sicheng. He was stiff. Sicheng wasn’t that much into skinship at any place and at any time. Unless it was Yuta, of course. It was okay, that hadn’t changed, it was familiar. Sicheng was better for cuddling on a sofa.

Already, there were tears in his eyes again just because he had to let go. It felt like something was ripped from him. It was absurd. But he couldn’t change how it hurt.

It sucked, he didn’t want to be such a mess but he couldn’t not, he was just… everything.

The fear that they might welcome him now, but had actually long moved on, or that they’d realise how he had changed and wouldn’t want him there anymore, nearly choked him.

Donghyuck had no idea what to do about it, but cry and pretend it was jetlag.

He couldn’t be weak, why was he?

He had expected to come home and immediately be okay, but he wasn’t feeling okay.

He was ruining everything!

He had to at least try to keep the façade up for as long as he could.

If they’d realise what had changed, what was wrong… no. No! He didn’t have the energy for anyone to know. He’d not think about it, he’d recharge, and go back to normal.

Once more, it felt impossible to swallow his tears and pain, but he managed.

The next step to normality was lunch.

He had expected the table to nearly burst. It kind of did but not _as_ much as it could be.

There were more people than ‘only’ Johnny, Ten, Jaemin, Jeno, Guanheng, Taeyong, and Sicheng in this household. As mentioned before, Taeil was the guardian of ten Hybrids. This household was _busy_.

Most of them were working at the Hybrid doctors’ office downstairs, Taeil’s office, called Heaven.

Donghyuck had hugged them all, too, once they had come upstairs for their break. First Jaehyun, then Kun, then Yuta.

Still, it had still not been normal again.

Taeil had been concerned over Donghyuck looking a mess. He had blamed jetlag, again. He worried what would be once he had overcome it. He’d have to find a better excuse.

Worse, Jungwoo had definitely let his eyes roam Donghyuck’s face too intensely as if he was just reading him like a book. Jungwoo had that to himself, Donghyuck didn’t know why. He just knew how to crack people. He had been the one to get behind Jaemin’s hostile attitude when he had been younger and first come to become part of the family.

Reading him probably wasn’t even hard. Donghyuck had never been a good liar, why should he be?

He didn’t want them to know he wasn’t fine, but he didn’t know how to pretend to be and make them believe it.

That was why he needed things to return to normal. As fast as possible! Right now, preferably.

He was tired of feeling wrong and not like himself. He wanted that feeling gone.

He wasn’t ill. He was just a little tired. Also, jetlagged, or so he had told them.

That was all, he had assured with a grin.

So, their lunch-table was full, but there were empty spots.

Two of them.

“Doyoung’s working full time at the school, so he has lunch there, with the children. The days Xiaojun is at the studio, you often won’t see him until late, too,” Taeil smiled and Donghyuck tried to come to terms with it.

It was good they had jobs to go to, they could do what they wanted to, fulfil themselves and find their places in society. Push boundaries. How he was trying.

He would be selfish to want them here, just for some lunch that felt like old times.

In old times, Doyoung had been working a few hours as a tutor at the orphanage and Xiaojun had had a YouTube channel on which he had never told anyone he was a Hybrid and not a human.

In old times, it hadn’t been possible for them, it was Donghyuck’s own work that allowed them to do this, so, why was he feeling bitter now that they’d take the chances he had helped open for them?

While he hadn’t been here.

While he had also tried to take chances.

He tried to hide his upset, his dumb anxiety, in his food.

It was yummy. Taeyong’s cooking always had been and it still was. That hadn’t changed.

“Actually, Donghyuck, Johnny told me that you didn’t see a doctor in quite a while and that rang all alarm bells,” Taeil tried to be nonchalant but Donghyuck heard the worry in his words. He didn’t want him worried. People, generally, weren’t worried over him when he wasn’t actively suffocating from his asthma.

Then again, Taeil was worried over him potentially doing just that. Okay. He could worry over that, Donghyuck had always had it.

“Yeah, no one was nice or seemed to care. So.” he shrugged. Seeing a doctor hadn’t been a priority. He still got his medication because you didn’t have to see one to get your standard prescription refilled.

“That doesn’t sound too promising. I’d like to check you up, then, okay?”

Donghyuck nearly had to cry. Again. Because Taeil cared so much and would just go and offer his help.

He swallowed it, again just barely able to do so because it was so much. Why? Why was he such a mess? This should be normal! He had always seen Taeil once a week, to check. For _years_.

But not in recent years…

“Is there room in your schedule? I’m sure the star-doctor has a waiting list?” Donghyuck teased, overplaying his internal turmoil, and Taeil chuckled.

“People with connections or urgent cases get an appointment extra early.”

He wasn’t joking when he said star-doctor. Taeil had been on TV before, he had been on the news, and he was a published author, not only in medical journals but even with a book.

Donghyuck might have been loud and annoying and very out there, but Taeil was actually changing the issues at the root: in the medical sector.

Not just him. According to some, it had been Taeil’s altruism rubbing off, according to others, Jungwoo had always been cut from the same cloth, but, undeniably, Jungwoo had gotten a major part of his training here. With such a role model, of course, he’d become just as much an ally in the quest to get better treatment for Hybrids.

Donghyuck wished he didn’t suddenly feel so inadequate in front of them.

So much like a child, young and foolish.

Failing. Weak.

He had been at the forefront, but where was he now?

He had never felt like this. He had always burst with confidence, but it had left him as if the spine had been pulled from hid body.

Without a spine, he just crumbled under all the expectations. His own, but also theirs.

He didn’t want to fail.

He wanted to go back on track.

He just had to.

Asthma had always been there, so, it was actually a step back to normality when he found himself downstairs, half an hour later. He tried to remind himself and relax, but it was impossible.

There used to be four treatment rooms, each a bit different, each serving another purpose on the side, when the office had still been in one of Cheongdam’s high-rises, years ago.

Now, there were four treatment rooms, plus the lab, plus the break room, plus the office, plus the small quarantine sector. Well, there had been quarantine before, too. The place where most of the Moon-Kim-family’s Hybrids’ journeys had started.

Donghyuck had known the old office by heart, but he knew this one, too. It had already been familiar enough before he had left. Still, now, that he had been away for so long, he found himself missing the green walls and the view over Cheongdam and the Han. The ground floor was too low for more view than the tiny garden outside and the Han was far from this new house.

“I’m surprised, to be honest. I expected worse,” Taeil muttered, pulling his stethoscope from his ears.

Donghyuck wasn’t sure if he should be glad or not.

“Seeing how much I always had to adjust you when you were little… then again, it had already stabilised a lot before you left. You have a bit of rattling on the left and your lunch capacity is lower than it could be, but it’s nothing worrying yet. How were your symptoms?” Taeil’s eyes were focussed on the print-out of the machine, but Donghyuck knew he was listening, too.

“Nothing big,” he shrugged. If he didn’t run, he didn’t struggle, it had always been like that. A bit of coughing here or there, maybe a night in which he woke up in cold sweat and barely able to breathe. From nightmares. He didn’t want to tell Taeil that. He didn’t want him to know, “Nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Good. Kun, could you bring this to the front then, I’ll be there in a second,” Taeil handed a few pages over to his nurse and Kun nodded.

Before Donghyuck had even known Hybrid activism was a thing yet, Taeil had already been doing this, had already been writing publications and scaring abusive owners by calling them out. Whatever he did, was about how to make Hybrids’ lives better and how to treat them how they deserved to be.

Taeil was a good person. Truly. Donghyuck was very happy Mark and their parents had brought him here, after they had bought him, so many years ago.

That he had ten Hybrids wasn’t because he had literally gone insane. Also, maybe. Mainly, it was because Taeil was such a good person.

The world was a cruel place, especially for people who were treated like animals. Donghyuck knew. He had always had but now…

No.

It’d be fine.

However, that experience and expertise were exactly why Donghyuck felt like Taeil saw right into his head, right where he was anxious when he wasn’t supposed to be and trying to ignore what shouldn’t have happened.

“Are you doing okay, Donghyuck?”

No.

“Yeah!”

“Mm. Mark will come in a week, won’t he?” Taeil had scooted over and Donghyuck stared away, out the window.

“Yeah, six days.” Once Mark was here, Donghyuck would share a room with him. Not in Taeil’s house, of course, but in a guest house. Taeil wasn’t some charity.

Okay, he was, in a way.

But he wasn’t a hotel.

“Are you looking forward to seeing him?”

Was he?

Mark was the last person he had actually met. He had come to New York for Spring Break, so, it hadn’t been awfully long. Mark had also asked him if he was okay. Many times. It had been hard to keep saying yes when the answer was no. Lying to Mark and Johnny was the hardest.

He missed him, but he didn’t know how to hide from him.

Donghyuck tried to come up with an answer.

Something annoying, something sassy.

His head was empty. Why? Why was he suddenly so sad and scared and everything but himself?

He didn’t like it, worse, he was sure others wouldn’t like it.

“No, as you know, I despise him from the bottom of my heart,” he grinned.

Taeil didn’t smile but kept observing him.

It was unsettling.

Taeil knew too much.

He was a doctor and he had been working in this for over a decade, at this point.

He had ten Hybrids, but not one of them came from a shop, not one of them came from a good background, so to speak. As good as a Hybrid’s background could be.

Donghyuck came from a shop. He had no room for this, any of this. He had to be strong and confident. He had a plan in life.

There was no room for weakness.

“You know, I don’t usually make the same mistake twice. I made a lot of them, but I’ve learnt from them. So, I’d call myself experienced when it comes to seeing warning signs,” Taeil explained and Donghyuck stared out the window again. Yes, he knew Taeil knew, but this was different. Donghyuck _had_ to be fine, “But I also can’t read minds. Still. It’s a bummer, I really think the ability should have been unlocked by now, but here we are.”

Donghyuck chuckled and turned his head a little.

“If there was something wrong, you’d tell someone, wouldn’t you? I might be panicking for no reason, also happened before, believe me,” Taeil’s smile was genuinely compassionate. Donghyuck had to swallow. It hurt but he managed.

“Yeah. Sure. I mean, I’m dead-tired but I did just spend two days travelling because there are no non-stop flights from New York state to South Korea and the private plane got declined by the budget manager.”

Taeil hummed, “That’s to be expected, but your heart was racing and tiredness is no reason for that nor is seeing a doctor for the millionth time, normally. That’s why I worry.”

Donghyuck tried to not let anything show on his face.

But he felt cold and hot run down his back as Taeil just punched a hole into his lie.

It hadn’t been a good one, anyway.

Yet, Donghyuck was unwilling to give it up.

He needed it. He needed things to be okay and go back to normal.

“If there is something and it’s still there in a few days, I’ll still be here to listen. Or Jungwoo. Or anyone else,” Taeil ripped him from his spiral of panic.

Right. In a few days. Donghyuck should have given himself more time.

In a few days, surely, everything would be right back to normal! Of course, it would be!

His smile felt more genuine, now.

“I know that. But I think I’m all fine, still.”

“Okay. Well, as for your controllers, I’ll up your LABAs and your LAMAs for now but we’ll have to check again next week because it’s probably too high for long-term. It’d be really good to have someone routinely re-evaluate every quarter of a year, once you’re back in the States. Do you think you could try another doctor?”

Once he’d be back in the states. Very soon.

Donghyuck’s chest was tight. He didn’t want to go back soon. He wanted to be here, where he was comfortable and safe.

“I mean.. I guess I could before classes pick back up?”

Taeil scooted to his desk, nodding.

“I have no idea who works how, but you could try to go by certification. If they bother getting one, that’s a good sign because they at least thought about Hybrids’ wellbeing. It’s not a guarantee, unfortunately.”

Donghyuck hummed, “Okay. I’ll try.”

He didn’t want to think about it yet. He didn’t want to think about anything that involved going back there.

He’d give himself the week. If it was still wrong when Mark was back and not back to normal, he could consider if he should worry.

He didn’t want to worry, he didn’t want anyone else to worry.

But could he even do this for a week?

Mark might not be here yet, asking if he was doing okay.

But Johnny was.

And so many others, whom he truly cared about.

He wanted them to care about him, but he didn’t want them to worry. There was no room to worry about him, it wasn’t part of him to be worried about. Everyone would grow tired of him, would see all the issues he tried so hard to hide.

He had to be Donghyuck and not… this… mess!

He knew no one would like him because he didn’t like himself. Not like this.

Napping would make his jetlag worse, but Donghyuck was so worn out, he just crashed on the old green sofa once he was back upstairs.

He just wanted peace and normality. Maybe, he’d wake up to that. He wanted to.

Maybe he’d not be haunted by the nightmares, by the same scenario, over and over and over and over.

He was so tired of it. Awake, he could control his thoughts and not go there. Asleep, his brain kept torturing him and reminding him that things were not okay when they had to be.

He hoped it would just disappear.

He was safe here, he was home, with the people he loved.

He needed to be okay. There was no room for failure if he wanted to be worth anything.

So, he let himself drift off into the nothingness of sleep with people softly chatting in the background, reminding him he wasn’t alone, he was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	3. Chapter 3

Donghyuck couldn’t breathe.

No.

No!

He tried to get some air into his lung but they were cramped up.

“Hyuckie!”

Please, no, he didn’t want this!

Please, they couldn’t do this to him, he had done nothing but exist and want rights!

Please!

“Hyuckie, hey, hey, hey,”

He ripped his eyes open, ready to flee, to escape, and realised he had dreamt.

His body started jerking with coughs and Johnny’s hand was in his pocket, pulling his inhaler out, shaking it.

Donghyuck tried to suppress the trembling in his fingers as he took it from his and bit down on the mouthpiece, taking a deep drag.

Two doses of salbutamol a day was a bit much, for someone who should be balanced in their treatment. Well, he had done exercise earlier and now, it had just… been attack. Yeah. Nothing serious, he could tell them he was fine.

“Better?” Johnny softly asked and Donghyuck flopped backwards onto the couch. The flat was silent and the sun still beaming outside. It couldn’t be much later than 4, he hadn't slept for long. Just long enough for nightmares.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck pieced the cap back on and put his inhaler into his pocket, where it belonged.

He couldn’t look at Johnny. Johnny couldn’t know.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Yes.

“No.”

“Okay, well, are we still going to cuddle? I’m on a Donghyuck-withdrawal.”

Donghyuck took a deep breath, testing his lungs.

It wasn’t real, it wasn’t happening anymore. It was fine.

“Yeah. I’m on Johnny-withdrawal, too,” Donghyuck was too exhausted to tease and joke.

He just said the truth. He missed Johnny. So much. All the time. Even now, that he was right next to him, he still missed him, regardless of how ridiculous it was. It hurt in his chest.

Only when Johnny wrapped his arm around his torso, snuggling up to fit them both onto the relatively small sofa, did it get better.

“I’m here now. All summer,” If only summer would last forever, “You can go back to sleep even though it’s not reasonable. You look so tired.”

He _was_ so tired.

Johnny was warm and huge and Donghyuck felt tears in his eyes as the other started carding his hands through his hair.

He missed this.

He missed this so much, but no one would ever understand, in college.

Worse…

Donghyuck swallowed. He had to be fine, why was he not, why was he so weak, it was just a bit of cuddling, why couldn’t he just go without it, why was he not able to just shake it off?

Johnny couldn’t know, Johnny loved his happy little brother, he couldn’t disappoint him!

He couldn’t overstate these trivialities. Johnny’s past was as dark and hurtful as that of most the other Hybrids’ here. Donghyuck hadn’t had that, he shouldn’t have any issues, he had no room to complain or be weak.

So, he swallowed his tears down even though they seemed to suffocate him even more than they had before.

Why couldn’t it become easier but became harder?

This made no sense.

Donghyuck snuggled his face into Johnny’s long sleeve shirt and closed his eyes, hoping to let sleep return but the feeling of utter helplessness was too fresh, the fear still right there, making his chest tight. He didn’t want to sleep and risk going back.

Back to hell.

He had no choice.

Either he kept going or he gave up.

He was scared, anxious, he didn’t feel like himself but like just a crumb of Donghyuck, but he did not want to give up!

He was a person!

He wanted that acknowledged!

He wanted to be free!

Truly free!

“I mean, you obviously already knew all of that,” Guanheng ended his small speech, the fliers spread around him documenting the last 17 months of progress.

There wasn’t much.

“Well, kinda. But it’s better to hear it directly,” Donghyuck plastered on a smile. Just to make sure he actually knew everything, it had been very helpful.

Because details, Guanheng had now added, had never made it over the Pacific. Donghyuck hated the emptiness, hated feeling like life had passed him by, but he couldn’t help it. It stung.

“I think the biggest success is the rules of employment and recompensation,” Jaemin chirped, his bi-coloured eyes sparkling.

“Because of your Insta,” Jeno groaned and pushed his feet under Jaemin’s thighs.

“Yeah, well, no need to be jealous just because I can buy my own Pocky with that money now,” Jaemin’s tail wagged a bit. Donghyuck could imagine Jaemin on a pile of money like Gollum, not even paying a cent of rent because ‘that was _his_ money now’.

“It’d be better if you shared the Pocky,” Jeno moped.

Jaemin’s eyes flitted over for a second, but Donghyuck didn’t miss it.

Because he was observing them like an eagle would prey.

He definitely had missed something.

His chest felt so empty. His best friends!

But he hadn’t been here. He had decided to not be here. He had decided to push boundaries and strive for freedom, for equality, for rights, to become a person in the eyes of the law.

At the cost of all of this.

“I think it’s a very important step, too. If now only Hybrids were allowed to have bank accounts, it’d actually be worth something,” Guanheng’s face was sour.

Donghyuck stroked his fingers over the flyers.

‘99.34% of Hybrids will experience emotional abuse in their lives’

‘78% of Hybrids with treatable chronic illnesses are killed’

‘Over 200,000 people are being sold every year in the US alone’

‘Cat and Bunny Hybrids have a 97% likelihood of being raped’

He turned them around quickly.

“I like that the general layout never changed,” Donghyuck picked up the ones with his picture and turned them, too, pretending to read the back. Back then, he had taken the photos with confidence and not thinking much of it.

He should have.

“Well, since Sicheng-Hyung’s making them for us now and he said it was important for the brand… I’m just happy we finally have the funds to get them folded at the printing shop. They have machines! God. All these miserable afternoons of folding,” Guanheng sighed deeply and Donghyuck nodded. The paper was better, too, thick and glossy, but that wasn’t new. Luckily.

They had seen an influx in support, both from people putting in work and money, after the so-called Doctor-Moon-cases.

They had tried to avoid they got called that, but the media had just done so anyway. It would have been better to call them the Ten cases or the Xiaojun cases, or anyone who had been directly involved and not just the owner, who had happened to stand up again the injustice done to them.

But that was impossible because they were only Hybrids.

Donghyuck had still very much been active in Seoul, back then, early in 2017, when Taeil had sued their asses to ‘Chile and back’ for harming his kids, but that was an entirely different story, one that Donghyuck was proud of but that felt distant and long past now.

So, the shiny and heavy paper was familiar and not new. That was good.

Everything not new, everything normal, was good.

“We’re still working on the mandatory collar-wearing. As well as middle schools. And the end of euthanasia, but that even failed in Canada when they tried to get it put into actual law,” Guanheng pursed his lips and Donghyuck thought of Mark for a second.

He knew the law had kind of disappeared in the gears of the parliament. It hadn’t failed, not officially, but they knew it had, technically.

“Well, we can’t just give up!” Donghyuck slapped his hands together. They couldn’t. That was the only thing he knew for sure while everything else seemed so wobbly and uncertain.

Guanheng broke into a wide smile and Jaemin squeaked and suddenly was around his neck.

“Exactly! I knew you’d say that, you always did! It’s so good to hear it again! I missed it so much!”

Donghyuck hit the ground and felt a tongue on his cheek.

“For god’s sake, no licking!” They had missed him, they recognised him, he was still the old Donghyuck somewhere inside, it was all going to be fine. He tried to fight off Jaemin and his annoying tongue, only to get squeezed down even harder when Jeno decided to add himself on top.

“Lick Jeno!”

“Okay, okay, chill, I was just expressing happiness. Cats, seriously,” Jaemin huffed and let off him. Thankfully. Donghyuck had never appreciated anyone’s saliva on himself but one’s. And he wasn’t present and the entire thing was neither here nor there.

Nevermind no one knew, obviously.

“Well, speaking of conflicting instincts, what about your ex, Jeno, did you figure out when you’ll get your clothes back?” Guanheng asked and Donghyuck was allowed to get back up. Jaemin decided to sit down with him now, resting his chin on his shoulder and his arms around his waist. Donghyuck appreciated it. He needed hugs. It helped with the pain. Safe hugs, that was.

Jaemin was… well, Jaemin was pretty much his first friend because it had been extremely hard, no, impossible, to find Hybrids to befriend when he had been little. Or rather a teen, 15, to be extremely precise. Of course, Yuta, Taeyong, Doyoung, and Jaehyun had been his first friends but they had all been older than him and it had always felt like more older-brother-figures. Johnny had been much closer to them. Jaemin had been the first one his age and while Jaemin had not been interested in making friends at first, Donghyuck still had managed to get closer to him.

Which made it even rougher, that he might be crushing on someone and Donghyuck had never known.

Jeno rolled over the floor pouting.

“No.”

“I told you I could get them for you, how Doyoung-Hyung got Jaehyun-Hyung’s from his ex?”

Donghyuck leaned his chin onto his knees and planted his hands on top of Jaemin’s.

“Yeah…”

Guanheng rolled his eyes and threw them an exasperated look.

“I told you she’s not going to change her mind, Jeno,” Jaemin softly said, “Just accept humans don’t want us like that.”

Donghyuck swallowed, hearing the hurt in the words.

Not only because Jaemin might have an interest in Jeno, but because Jeno hurting meant Jaemin also hurt, how you would for a friend experiencing heart-break.

And because he believed he, they, Hybrids, weren’t good enough.

Donghyuck wanted to disagree and say how silly it was to think that because they were people just as much, but… he didn’t know that for sure.

He didn’t want to fight.

 _A few years ago, he would have never backed down, regardless of who’d have confronted him_.

“But it’s so sad to think that,” Jeno muttered and Donghyuck had to agree, felt his heart sink in his chest.

For his own, personal, reasons.

No one said anything. Guanheng looked pained form his past experiences, Jeno looked like he was not over the two weeks of relationship he had had, Jaemin looked like he wished Jeno was, and Donghyuck just… was tired.

He had missed this discourse starting.

He had only heard about it from time to time.

He felt like it had taken place without him and now, he was late, as in, too late.

It hurt.

It all hurt.

“Well… we’ll go to… we’ll go to Renjun’s uni. Tomorrow,” Guanheng picked up where their conversation had broken off, “Because he has access to fancy meeting rooms, but you probably know, right?”

Donghyuck hadn’t known. He had had no means to know, but the others didn’t know that.

“Anyway, we have to plan the month’s paper of the union and we also need to talk through all appearances. He’s the main coordinator, still. You should come with. Only if you want, of course, as I said earlier, but it’d be great. We can’t give up, right?” Guanheng smiled.

Donghyuck’s stomach sank.

He was right! He couldn’t give up, he had to keep going even if it was hard. It had always been hard, but Donghyuck had always been harder.

“Sure. I will.”

He had to overcome his weakness, he knew he did, he wanted to, so, he had to seize every chance even if it seemed easier to spend three months curled up in Johnny’s arms.

He had no room for weakness.

“Yeah, speaking of the paper, I thought, maybe, you could write a summary of your first year. That could be really interesting, after all, Koreans could be interested in college overseas just because it’s something exotic,” Jeno had overcome his heartbreak and sat up, looking excited.

Right.

Donghyuck didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to revise what happened.

He could focus on the schoolwork. Physics, if nothing else, was unbiased and fair.

“Okay, sure, I see how my input could be of endless value,” Donghyuck flipped his hair and nearly hit Jaemin with his head.

“Endless value, my ass,” Jaemin teased and he slapped his hand playfully.

“Have you even been to a university campus? Don’t doubt my wisdom before you even looked into it!”

“I have been! I went to Jungwoo-Hyung’s graduation, so I’ve already been to the second-best university in all of South Korea.”

“Third,” Jeno and Guanheng said like it was a reflex.

Well.

It was a reflex and also the pettiest argument in the history of pettiness and not even theirs, but Donghyuck could see how they’d get involved. It was the sort of petty argument he thrived off. Even now, he felt himself smile. Petty arguments didn’t drain you, they didn’t leave you hopeless and devastated by the end of them.

“Second-best. And I also went to visit Injoon a bunch of times. That’s one fancy and pretentious campus, but at least the people there are nice,” Jaemin shrugged.

Right, of course, they had been. Donghyuck had, occasionally, heard. Only Donghyuck had never been, of course. He had missed that.

He knew it was dumb, he couldn’t split himself in half and be everywhere at the same time, but he hated how much there was, that he had never experienced.

He had known it’d be like that.

Since he still felt nothing like back to normal, it hit worse than he had been prepared for it to.

It just sucked.

“We’ll be going together, then. Nana?”

“Nah, I’ll go take some pics for Insta with Yangyang tomorrow, sorry.”

Guanheng and Jeno snorted in unison.

Donghyuck liked Jaemin’s Instagram. It was updated every day and he always added the most over-the-top descriptions to his photos or answered some of his fans’ comments with entirely too many emojis, but it had kept him up to date, somewhat. Yangyang’s page was similar, though calmer. The two were among the biggest Hybrid influencers in East Asia.

The fact that there even was a market for Hybrids to influence anyone was amazing, a major step ahead.

Donghyuck could feel proud rather than feel the ugly emptiness of having missed something. He wished he could feel like this for everyone and not miss what had been, but Jaemin’s job was so different from what Xiaojun and Doyoung did. He was still here how he had been, it easily fit in between and it allowed Donghyuck to follow his life a bit closer than the others’.

It was ridiculous, the worst, to feel this conflict. Freedom was his ultimate goal, for not only him but for everyone, of course!

Why was it so hard to accept others were using what they had while he was away. Why could he not overcome his double-standard of leaving and then expecting no one else to change while he was changing?

Why did he have to leave, in the first place?

Why?

He wanted to stay here, where it was safe, where he knew people, where he was hugged.

But he couldn’t.

And, even here, it wasn’t perfect.

Once more, Donghyuck had to swallow tears as his eyes caught on the numbers on the fliers, spread on the ground. No, he was only living in a safe bubble, that Heaven was, right now.

Out there, it wasn’t like that and it still wouldn’t be for a long time.

But in this safe bubble, things could be normal, they had to be!

He’d try harder.

During dinner, he was able to tease Doyoung on his stuck-up look and endless button-downs, he managed to chime in on Yuta’s jokes, and his smile was genuine.

So. He was fine. Perfect!

Or maybe not because the moment he slipped into sleep, he returned to hell.

Why! WHY?

Donghyuck stared at his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t properly see everything because the lights in the room were turned off, but he saw well enough.

He hated it.

He tried to stop his tears but he couldn’t, they just kept flowing, which was why he had had to flee here, away from his current roommate. The house laid in silence and it seemed suffocating. Donghyuck sunk down onto the floor and pressed the towel to his face.

He hadn’t even showered but fallen asleep on the sofa, snuggled up to Ten, but he still had woken up in Guanheng’s bed, unable to breathe from nightmares.

He hated showers.

He hated having to strip himself and be so vulnerable.

The numbers of the statistics flashed back up in his head and he had to muffle a sob.

He didn’t want this, why, why him?

He couldn’t be weak!

But he was. He couldn’t force it down, it just hurt too much.

At least the door locked, here. There was no window. He was alone. He also had a bathtub to use, but he couldn’t. It would take too long. The longer he was vulnerable, the more chances to… no. Don’t think about it!

Donghyuck needed to go back to bed. He had to sleep.

He’d see Renjun, tomorrow.

New tears ran down his cheeks and he scrubbed the towel over his skin, angry with himself.

Seeing Renjun was normal! Damn it!

His legs were shaky but he forced himself up nevertheless. He couldn’t give up! No matter how; he was going to get through this!

He hung his towel up again. It was white, all guest towels were. There was a colour coding in the house, so everyone knew what was theirs. It was handy. Donghyuck took a deep breath and his chest stung. Whatever.

Giving up wasn’t an option!

He gave his cheeks a few small slaps and nodded to himself.

He had the entire week left to become normal again. Well. Six days. Five.

Already one day closer to flying back…

No. He’d worry about that later!

He unlocked the door and decided to get something to drink before returning to bed.

The stairs were cold from the airconditioning and Donghyuck quickly hopped down and through the hallway, however-

“Ah!”

“AH!”

Donghyuck jumped up and away from the other figure in the dark hall, hair sticking on end, while the other’s reaction was to lash out at the suspected danger.

“Xiaojun!”

Of course, Xiaojun was going to give a bulgar a right hook.

“Donghyuck? Oh, wait, you came today already?” the other cat sounded panicked, blinking rapidly.

“Obviously,” Donghyuck chuckled. Xiaojun had his priorities but he tended to get messy once there was more than one high on that list. He had always been, it was kind of cute to see him with his eyes wide in shock.

Xiaojun, apart from tending to use strong language, was very cute.

He had forgotten and not been there earlier, but he was here now and it all felt familiar, normal, good.

“Oh fuck! I thought it was tomorrow, seriously, I would have been home and not come at ass o’clock!” Xiaojun whispered, sounding completely disbelieving to have made such a mistake.

“Well, I’m sure it was busy?” Donghyuck had not much clue about the music industry other than the occasional scandal.

Xiaojun broke into a wide smile.

“Yes, we had such a good day. Only the last round took a bit extra to get everything done. I like to work together with the engineers to get it exactly how I need it for mixing. Wait. Why are you up, though?”

Nightmares.

“Jetlag.”

“Ohhh,” Xiaojun nodded, eyes wide again, “Well, um, hug?”

Xiaojun opened his arm and Donghyuck immediately took him up on the offer.

He still felt the fear under his skin, making him cold and shaky.

Touch helped. It always did, for him and for many Hybrids. It was reassuring on a deeply instinctual level and Hybrids were much better connected to those than humans. Xiaojun felt kind of tiny, so at least he hadn’t had the nerve to out-grow Donghyuck while he had been gone.

Donghyuck pushed his head against his shoulder, just to make it last a second longer, get a little more safety from a fellow cat Hybrid.

“What did you have for dinner? Were there left-overs?” Xiaojun asked, hand still in Donghyuck’s shirt and holding on.

“Enough to feed a teenaged football team, probably. Or one Jaehyun.”

Xiaojun giggled and finally pulled away for good.

He flipped the light switch to turn on the lights in the living room and go into the kitchen.

He’d see Donghyuck’s eyes were red and swollen, his face probably not off much better, if he came with him to get his water.

“I’ll go back to bed,” he didn’t know how to explain this. Xiaojun might not be the one to poke and prod, but he very much was easily worried. He might tell Kun and Kun would definitely tell Taeyong and Taeil.

No. Too risky. No one should worry about him.

He needed to be strong.

“Oh, right, sure. Sleep tight, hopefully, then,” Xiaojun smiled. Donghyuck nodded, unsure what to say.

He wanted to sleep. Peacefully and tight.

He’d have to get back to bed, anyway.

He shuffled back upstairs slowly. He’d feel safer with Johnny… but he was not going to risk slipping into a couple’s room at night. Especially since the thought alone made him nauseous. Not in a mocking way, how he had always claimed when it had only been a bit weird to think of his Hyung doing it.

Now, he felt actually sick.

He hated it.

It was just sex.

It was… normal… natural… beautiful… his eyes stung.

No, don’t think about it!

He could cuddle Guanheng!

Yes.

He’d do that.

He needed that, right now. He’d need it for the rest of the three months.

Only three months… no. Three months were a long time!

Donghyuck opened the door of Guanheng’s room and slipped inside, closing it just as carefully, and sneaked over the ground, sliding back onto the mattress and under the thin blankets.

Guanheng grunted and Donghyuck hesitated for a second, but he didn’t move, he was asleep.

Good.

He wrapped his arms and legs around his body, pulling himself tightly against the other Hybrid.

It was okay. He was going to be okay.

He just had to be. There was no plan B.

When Guanheng’s alarm rang, Donghyuck felt like he had been run over.

He had fallen asleep, obviously, but he wasn’t sure when. It must have been hours after he had attached himself to Guanheng and the overall number of hours slept was far below what his body needed.

At least, there hadn't been nightmares.

Good.

Very good.

He was over it now, right?

Extremely good.

“Urgh, Hyuuuuck, air,” Donghyuck tried to unclamp his arms but he was sluggish and uncoordinated.

He dozed back off and Guanheng must have as well because they both started whining and complaining when the alarm rang again, a merciless three minutes later.

“I hate it,” Guanheng pulled the blanket over his head and Donghyuck decided to follow his example of just ignoring life outside of bed was a thing.

Guanheng felt warm and safe and comfortable and he was so goddamn tired.

Once more, he slipped into slumber but was ripped from it with a high, “Good morning my lovely kittens, it’s a new day, rise and shine!”

Donghyuck groaned and tried to bury his ears under Guanheng, but Ten’s pitch was hard to ignore.

Nevermind Guanheng had almost jumped upright, hearing him.

Of course, he had. That had not changed – even though…

“Good morning, Ten-Hyung!” Guanheng’s voice had not gotten the memo and was still sleeping peacefully, breaking and scratching ridiculously.

“You seem awake,” Ten laughed and suddenly tickled Donghyuck, who screeched and squirmed away, “get up! Soups almost hot, chop chop, both of you!” and with that, Ten left.

Guanheng had actually already climbed over Donghyuck and opened the closet.

Donghyuck watched his striped tail move back and forth in slight agitation.

“Henny?”

“No, I will not lend you any clothes.”

“Ass, I wasn’t going to ask that. Are you still in love with Ten-Hyung?”

Guanheng snorted and pulled his sleep-shirt over his head, replacing it with a t-shirt that had the logo of the union on it. Guanheng owned all 22 different versions, including the limited editions. Donghyuck also did.

“No, I’m not, that’d be seriously sad and absolutely hopeless.”

“Mm. You look like you are.”

Guanheng sighed and pulled off his shorts. Donghyuck quickly looked away.

“I know. The others told me. Ten-Hyung also asked me, a year ago. I’m not, though, but… well, I do admire him and I guess maybe you’re never really over your first true love?”

Donghyuck felt his heart skip a beat.

“I see. Okay, thanks for letting me know.”

“Thanks for asking and not trying to set me up.”

“With Ten-Hyung and Johnny-Hyung? Yeah, no, ew.”

Guanheng rolled his eyes. He loved doing that. Donghyuck also loved doing it.

He didn’t feel anxious. He felt okay.

He felt normal.

Good. It was a relief.

So, it was over then.

Good.

He was still tired, but it wasn’t this bone-deep exhaustion mixed with constant anxiousness, that had been his companion.

“Get up,” Guanheng ordered before he left the room, leaving the door ajar.

Donghyuck considered rolling over but he knew he had to fight his jetlag even though it sucked. So, he ruffled through his hair, dragged his hands over his ears, and pushed himself off the mattress, giving his tail one stroke so it looked orderly.

He definitely should shower… or bathe… Donghyuck shuddered. No, stop, no shuddering, he was okay, right?

He had to shower.

The breakfast table was chaotic. Donghyuck had only ever slept over once, but he knew that they all ate whenever and wherever they wanted for breakfast and only had lunch and dinner together. Actually, well, not anymore. But they used to have both of those together.

Sicheng was braiding Yuta’s hair, who was trying to not move while eating his rice and soup on one side of the table. Kun was reading a publication while blindly eating and somehow managed to not spill anything.

“Hey, is here free?” Donghyuck already pushed the chair back with his foot and Jaehyun looked up from where he had just been spreading butter on his toast.

“Yeah, sure,” his smile was sweet and Donghyuck sunk down next to him immediately. He knew Ten was an early riser and he and Johnny always went for a run in the morning, together. They must have just come back when he had woken them and were now showering, most likely.

It was fine, he wasn’t dependent on Johnny, right? There were lots of safe people here, he was friends with all of them.

It was okay. He had to stay calm. It was his own fault he felt bad if he was the one thinking himself into this anxiety. He had to stop!

“Thanks. Your hair got really thick, didn’t it?” Donghyuck leaned to grab a new glass from the middle of the table.

Jaehyun smiled even brighter and ruffled it. He must have styled it because it was a bit wavy and it was naturally straight. The stripe in the middle looked wider and even cuter.

“Yeah, well, it took a bit for my scalp to recover from not that great treatment but I definitely got some back.”

Donghyuck nodded, “Looks cute.”

Jaehyun was ready to burst, probably. It was pretty funny. He was older than Donghyuck by three years but he had this very sweet and uncorrupted personality that made Donghyuck sometimes feel like he was the Hyung in their relationship.

“Thank you!” he whispered, excitement making his cheeks tint pink and Donghyuck laughed, reaching out to pat them.

“Donghyuck, did you see Jeno?” Taeil asked, leaning from the kitchen.

“He’s on duty for dishes, but he disappeared after eating three bowls of cereal,” Taeyong huffed and marched past Taeil, dishcloth in hand. Jeno better have a good explanation. Taeil shrugged. Taeyong was the one in charge of chores, he kept out of that and out of how Taeyong disciplined the rest of the household to actually do their duties.

“I’ve not seen him,” Donghyuck answered despite it seeming superfluous.

The soup was just the right amount of spicy and warm. It felt good and Donghyuck soaked his rice in it to get the maximum deliciousness.

He had missed this. He was not going to eat a single slice of toast while here and having Taeyong’s amazing cooking available. Toast was easy to make and basically his breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the dorm.

No, don’t think about it.

“So, um, is it true the American Fanta tastes differently from ours?” Jaehyun suddenly asked, face dead-serious.

Donghyuck, for a second, had feared it’d be something that might make him feel not okay. Not normal.

That is wasn’t, was a huge relief, but also made him feel pathetic. His control over his emotions was laughable. Of course, people would ask about college, he had made going there a huge deal, he couldn’t expect no one to be curious! He had to become better, there was no excuse for moping in self-pity, unrightfully.

“Yeah, it is. That’s a pretty random question, though?”

“Oh, I guess. I was just wondering since I read it somewhere but it seemed too irrelevant to really look into. Johnny-Hyung said he only drinks coke, but then it didn’t let me go and I thought I’d ask once I got the chance to.”

Donghyuck couldn’t help laughing.

“I mean, it’s just surprising anyone would want to know?”

Jaehyun huffed and nibbled on his chopsticks. There was a coloured marking on the bottom of them. Yuta’s had one as well, as did Jaemin’s and Jeno’s. It was the same colour as their towels and there to avoid everyone getting into each other’s hair every morning.

It was a dog thing.

Johnny was the only one who didn’t care. He was hard to tick off. Donghyuck had probably been the one testing and stretching every last limit.

He remembered their first accidental fight.

He had cried the entire afternoon and so had Johnny until their father had come home and fixed it all, luckily. What Johnny had gotten angry over, Donghyuck could now freely do because Johnny had worked to overcome it for him.

He was the best older brother anyone could wish for.

Johnny’s limits were as wide as the Pacific ocean in all but one regard and that was biting. Not like you normally bit people, anyway.

“I just really like Fanta. Are you going to go with Guanheng to do union-stuff?” Jaehyun changed topics and Donghyuck’s stomach felt a bit heavy now.

“Yeah. I need to get them back in line, don’t I?” Donghyuck smiled but he felt nervous. Anxious.

It sucked and he tried to will it away but it wouldn’t let itself be ignored. It never did, anxiousness had this unpleasant tendency to be stronger than everything else. His fault for having allowed her to return, his break had been short, but he was to blame, of course.

“You do. Maybe, not sure what their plans are, you could speak at the open evening. They do them once a month, you know?”

Donghyuck nodded and quickly slurped down the rest of his soup before he’d feel too sick in nervousness to do so.

Open evening… speak… in front of a lot of people… many of which only came to disagree and keep them small… Guanheng had complained about it more than once.

He _knew_.

“You’re such a good speaker, I’m sure it’d be great!” Jaehyun beamed and Donghyuck wished he didn’t think that.

Because he was sure it wouldn’t be.

How should he speak on a stage when he couldn’t even challenge a single person?

Jaehyun thought he would do it well and he had, in the past. He expected the old Donghyuck, of course, but that one was… not there anymore.

He felt tears rise and he tried to swallow. He couldn’t cry.

“I don’t want to squeeze myself where I don’t belong.”

“No, no, no, I’m sure it wouldn’t be that. New speakers from time to time are great but an old one would be even better. The spirit’s been a bit low, recently. Ever since the verdict,” Jaehyun sighed and looked upset.

Not only the law in Canada had failed, more recently.

The verdict referred to the trial against a couple, who had cruelly killed over a dozen Hybrids in medical testing.

They had been found not guilty.

Donghyuck felt a spark of anger, a spark of his iron will to change what was wrong but as he tried to grab it and make it into more, find himself in it, it already had burnt out again.

Of course, it had. It had left him, abandoned him, had gotten lost, somewhere, across the ocean.

“Yeah, I guess we’ll see.”

Jaehyun nodded.

“If it’s too much, you shouldn’t do it, anyway. It’s your vacation, after all!”

“No, it’s not too much, hello?” Donghyuck snorted. He knew he was already being crushed – he just shouldn’t be and no one could know he was. If he just kept going, it surely would go away.

Jaehyun chuckled, “Right, of course, it’s not for you.”

Exactly. Nothing was too much for Donghyuck. It couldn’t be.

“It’s fifteen minutes to eight, I’m just giving you all a warning,” Jungwoo cut over the conversations on the table and Jaehyun squeaked, then shovelled the rest of his toast into his mouth before jumping up and racing from the room, “And that would be why,” Jungwoo looked after him.

Donghyuck sighed into his rice. He didn’t feel hungry anymore.

If spirits were low… he wanted to speak.

He didn’t want to give up.

He didn’t want anyone else to give up.

If he could encourage them…

But could he?

He didn’t think he had it anymore.

It was lost. Somewhere in New York. Taken. By them.

Donghyuck stood up and silently put his rice away while Taeyong dragged a whining and apologising Jeno to the sink, where dishes were waiting.

He’d have to talk to Renjun.

Renjun, who still knew the best how to squeeze 48 hours into 24.

Or had he changed?

Donghyuck swallowed but his heart still picked up.

It had always done that.

How had Guanheng said it?

Your first true love was hard to overcome, or something?

That sounded about right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NCT DREAM NEWS!!!!!!!!! 7DREAM!!!!!!!!  
> That's all.

“I swear, the uni campus is amazing! So pretty! And people are actually nice there. Well, Injoon’s there because of his scholarship and stuff, so, of course, they have to be, but it’s really great!” Jeno was bouncing up and down next to Donghyuck. He didn’t know how because even with just walking normally, he was wishing for portable AC.

“We mainly go because students can reserve study rooms for themselves and we need a place to meet up and talk every week,” Guanheng filled in but Donghyuck had already found out about that. Still, he’d rather hear it twice than not at all, so he nodded.

Despite the sun beaming down and leaving an unpleasant sheen of sweat on his skin, he was trying to hide between Jeno and Guanheng, not bothering that their arms touched from time to time even though it was sticky and kind of yucky.

No one was really paying them any attention, but still. He couldn’t be sure who was safe and who wasn’t.

He had misplaced his trust before, he was scared to do it again.

“Who else will be there?”

Guanheng shrugged, “Not that many, just the regulars who do the main stuff. We also have the high school groups, who organise the door-to-door by themselves, which is great. We usually email the others. It’s different, now, that everyone has other important things, too, and we don’t get that many big gigs anymore. Ah! You and Jaehyun-Hyung talked about the open forum next week, right?”

Donghyuck swallowed, “Yeah, we did.”

“That’s one where many come. Or. Well. Twenty-ish people.” Jeno nodded.

Twenty?

That was…

Laughable.

Donghyuck swallowed.

He knew this was hard.

He knew many had given up.

Jaehyun had mentioned the verdict. Maybe that had pushed more to resign and surrender to the system?

“Did you think about speaking? Because I think it’d be good. If you want?” Guanheng carefully asked.

Donghyuck had not thought about much else.

He just hadn’t come to a conclusion.

Ten people… low spirits…

Donghyuck couldn’t let this movement burn itself out!

This wasn’t just anything! This was everything to him!

It couldn’t fail!

 _He_ couldn’t fail!

He had become a pillar of it at just 16. If a pillar collapsed…

It’d be so easy to return to the status quo that had been. The people in their favour were so few in comparison to those working against them.

He could not fail. He could not be weak.

It didn’t matter how he felt. This movement was the most important thing to him. He was going to go down with it if that was what it came to.

It felt like it was. And Donghyuck should be fighting harder but he couldn’t.

_He had to._

“Okay. Am I not taking a slot from someone else?”

They walked in silence for a few steps.

“No, I don’t think so,” Guanheng muttered.

“It’s bee pretty quiet, recently,” Jeno added.

Donghyuck glanced at both of them.

Many had given up.

He was not going to!

Once more, he felt that spark, that anger and determination he was missing.

It made him feel strong, confident, unbreakable.

It made him feel like himself!

“Well, of course, I’ll bless you with my wise words and experiences!”

The second the words had left his lips and he had grabbed Guanheng’s cheek to squeeze, it had already burnt out again and Donghyuck felt sick and choked up.

Okay. No. He couldn’t freak out. It might need more time. He still had five days to get back to normal. It was okay, it was right there, wasn’t it? He had felt it twice today, already. Only for seconds, but it was all the proof he needed that his old self was still somewhere in him and not completely gone.

He had even showered, earlier, he was going to be okay!

“Yeah?” Jeno perked up, tail starting to wag.

“Let go,” Guanheng snarled and slapped his hand off.

“So cold,” Donghyuck sniffed and kissed his own hand better, trying to ignore the anxiety that was making his chest tight.

It wasn’t there, he just had to tell himself a few more times. He was going back to normal. He couldn’t be anxious!

“I’ll let you know you’re only getting the spot because I know people are getting tired of my face,” Guanheng had his eyes narrowed, but Donghyuck wasn’t fooled.

He wasn’t the only one struggling to keep fighting.

Which meant there was even less room for failure. They relied on him to be alright, to keep pushing, to keep being loud, annoying, and confident.

He _had_ to be. He _wanted_ to be. More than anything in the world.

“I know, they need someone cute and pretty for once,” Donghyuck chirped, nudging Guanheng.

“I swear to god, Donghyuck!”

He laughed and escaped the attack, nearly running into a shop’s window. A woman passing them clicked her tongue and gave them a look.

Immediately, Donghyuck calmed down, quieted, and walked normally. He should have had himself in check. Not be so loud and cause trouble.

The other two didn’t even pay her attention. Donghyuck wouldn’t have but now…?

Luckily, they seemed to have arrived at their destination.

Gangnam was modern and new, it was the heartbeat of innovation beating in its streets, but there tended to be this air of pretentiousness, too. It was exactly the feeling he got from this place.

Donghyuck looked up the high rise with the thick letters “Kunjang university” on the bricks.

“Well, looks big for sure.”

It was, for a building in the middle of Seoul. Vassar college looked like a castle, well, for the most part, it did. This one looked like a company. It was a very different vibe going on.

“Yeah, told you!” Jeno grinned and marched ahead through the automatic door.

Donghyuck felt a bit misplaced and also like he’d stick out terribly and someone would send him out.

He tried to ignore the feeling and followed alongside Guanheng.

Still, his heart was racing in his chest as they waited for the lift.

No one even gave them a second look, but he still expected someone to do and for this to have bad consequences. He had woken up feeling better, but his anxiety was back, she had her claws hooked into his heart and made even waiting for a lift a task that took an exhausting amount of energy.

He wanted to turn around and bury himself in Taeil’s house forever, but he also realised that wasn’t going to help because hiding from the world was not going to change anything.

It was his own fault, to begin with. He was the one who overthought every single detail and made fears up. It was he, who failed to stop and just return to normal by, for example, obsessing with this open evening.

He found something to fear in everything, it seemed, even in waiting for a lift.

Evening in meeting him. Renjun.

This was what it was: overdramatisation. He had to pull himself together, this was pathetic!

Donghyuck ignored his nerves torturing him and stepped right into the lift when the door opened. There, had that been hard?

No.

Why was he being like that, then?

Guanheng pressed the button to the fifth floor, the one that said ‘campus lounge’, before letting the girls who had also entered choose where they needed to go. One held a chipcard to the reader, a student ID, and selected the 13th floor.

Donghyuck swallowed but nothing happened. Guanheng had come in first and he was allowed to be first selecting the floor.

Of course, he was.

Donghyuck should be loudest to announce that was how it worked.

He swallowed down his tears and quickly looked away.

It was like on the Metro.

16-year-old-him would not believe himself if he told him.

He missed 16-year-old-him.

The lift chimed as it arrived on the fifth floor and they filed outside, a few other students stepping right inside to take their places. Again, they got a few looks but no one turned their heads again once they had realised it was three Hybrids.

It was just normal.

And despite that, Donghyuck’s hands were sweaty and shaky.

He hated this.

Campus lounge, apparently, meant more fancy stuff. They stepped into an open area, that seemed to want to mimic the huge planes of grass the campus in New York had between departments. There were tables, benches, and even sofas, a coffee chain, and students making use of the places to study and meet up with others. It was loud and comfortable.

Still, the memory of his own campus made Donghyuck queasy. He liked the classrooms and the departments’ buildings. Everywhere else, people were allowed to do almost whatever they wanted to. That was the issue. His issue.

“We need to go down here,” Guanheng immediately turned to the right and Donghyuck spotted a small pillar with signs pointing you different directions.

‘students’ office’

‘examination office’

‘scholarship office’

‘meeting rooms’

It looked nice, posh, expensive.

Renjun deserved to go here and get the type of elite education, that private universities of Seoul prided themselves in. Donghyuck didn’t mean to be insulting when he said he would have never had the chance hadn’t it been for the university’s president personally offering him a scholarship for their social studies program because of his work for the union.

Of course, the president had not offered the same to Guanheng or Jeno.

Or him, but Donghyuck had already been attending Vassar, at that point.

It wasn’t a missed chance, though. Not that. Even if he had been here, he also wouldn’t have been offered. Donghyuck knew, they all did. They wanted the good reputation of being progressive and different, but not the Hybrids.

Guanheng had said Renjun had tried to suggest it and had even considered whether to take it. It would have been silly to decline. It was just how society worked.

Other colleges might have even denied him a spot with the resume he had.

Renjun had always somehow managed to get good grades while missing classes, but there were a lot of places to mark him off because he had skipped and gone to protests instead. On top, he was well known for the very same thing. Nothing conservative universities would want tarnishing their names. It would have been hard. Nevermind Renjun’s family background…

Donghyuck’s heart was still racing as they turned a corner and now had reached the hallway between meeting rooms. There was milky glass in the doors, giving the people inside privacy but allowing light in the corridor, avoiding the prison-look some schools had going for themselves. He heard voices but it was hard to make words out, meaning, humans wouldn’t be able to at all.

He hadn't talked to Renjun in 17 months, not in person, not by phone, not by text, nothing.

They had both agreed that would be easier.

It didn’t feel like it was easier now. Or maybe it was? There was nothing to compare to, obviously. It just kind of felt hard, but then again, everything seemed to be, these days.

Donghyuck suddenly felt so much pressure, so much pressure to be himself, his old self, to be fun and witty and all the things he was struggling to be.

So it’d be like 17 months ago. No. Like 18 months ago.

With his friends, he had worried if the gaps he had left in their lives had closed.

With Renjun, he worried too, but he also knew he had no reason to hope. They both had left the other’s side and moved on because it had been the right decision at the time.

Yet, he was hoping to find nothing had changed.

For him, nothing had changed. He felt that, loud and clear.

Which was dumb.

Guanheng stopped at the door that read ‘ _Manila,_ Meeting Room #8’ and knocked. Chairs scraping over the floor were heard and Donghyuck suddenly regretted having come.

He didn’t want to know the answers to all these crushing questions. He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do any of this.

The Donghyuck that was supposed to be here was lost, missing, and he had none of his qualities, his strength, and he felt so out of place, he wanted to cry.

But he couldn’t.

“Hello everyone,” Donghyuck’s head snapped up when he heard a completely unexpected accent, thick in the Korean the stranger spoke, “come in!” a blond guy he had never seen before had opened the door wide, a bright smile on.

Or, wait, had he seen him?

He might… Donghyuck had never opened the group pictures from union things, that he had been sent. It had been too soul-crushing when he had been so far away. But there might have been a blond person in them?

Guanheng greeted back and walked inside first, followed by Jeno, who hugged the guy that was a stranger to Donghyuck.

Human stranger.

He felt his hair stick up, his tail going stiff to embarrassingly show his emotions in ways hard to control.

Please, he told himself, he had to pull himself together.

“Hi, I’m Harvey. I do not think we have met?” the guy held out a hand, then shook his head to himself and bowed quickly.

No, they quite surely hadn’t.

Donghyuck breathed through his nausea and let his tail relax as much as he could force it to. It’d look ridiculous.

“No, don’t think so. I’m Donghyuck, nice to meet you!”

“Oh! Oh!” Harvey’s eyes widened. He looked a little silly, Donghyuck’s brain supplied, “Of course! I know you! Or no…” he scratched his head and muttered under his breath.

Donghyuck’s ears were good, he picked his words up.

 _“You can say it in English if it’s easier_ ,” he offered, still a little confused, but maybe Harvey had read his articles? He had met people who had known him through those before.

They had also… no, don’t think about it.

_“Right, I’m so stupid, I didn’t think about that, but obviously you speak it. Anyway, I wanted to say I saw your articles and what you did and also how you got into college and it’s all super impressive. I didn’t recognise you for a second, you kinda look a bit different. Paler, I think, thinner, so that’s my bad.”_

Donghyuck had a bit of trouble understanding the English accent, but he nodded.

He looked different?

He swallowed and kept his smile on.

 _“Thanks, I do what I can to be a glowing beacon of hope_ ”, he just really didn’t feel like one.

“Still as humble as always, love that for us,” another voice cut in and Donghyuck remembered there were people other than the blond stranger aka Harvey with the English accent.

He turned and his eyes flitted over the other four, all familiar yet not quite.

“Of course, I am,” Donghyuck chirped back at Yerim, who raised her eyebrows challengingly.

He wanted to be annoying with her, bicker, tease, over-dramatise, just, how did he do this?

He felt like he was completely unprepared and his brain just shut down on him and left him in a blank of standing awkwardly, two steps into the room.

“So glad to have you back for the summer!” Sookyung was smiling and rose off her chair, spreading her arms. She had dyed her hair back to black, it seemed. She looked more mature, but her dimples were still forming under her eyes, how they always had.

Could he… no, shut up! SHUT UP!

Donghyuck went for the hug. There. That hadn't been hard.

Yes, unfortunately, he was only here for the summer, but he could try to ignore that for now. Three months were long.

He’d find himself and figure it all out.

He had to.

“We were all wondering if you’d really bother coming, but I’m so glad you did. We’ve been bleeding people!” Seojeong’s brows furrowed in upset and Donghyuck felt her concern. It added to his anxiety and constricted his chest even tighter.

It felt like the ship was really sinking and being here, he realised at what fast pace they were going down.

Just…

What should he do?

How could he stop this?

If the public had gone back to sleep and ignored the issues that weren’t their own, Donghyuck had no way to wake them. He was just one person. Even here, with the union that had once felt like a battering ram, everyone seemed to barely hold on and grasp for straws.

“Of course, I would. This is my number one priority, always,” Donghyuck didn’t have to lie, he didn’t have to pretend.

It was this before everything else, his fight for himself, but also for everyone else like him, over any other thing.

“Don’t worry, we kept our chins up for you,” Seojeong patter his shoulder and nodded to emphasise her point.

“We most definitely did, I was just teasing,” Yerim had gotten up and joined the hug-session. She pinched his ear and Donghyuck laughed even though her small and affectionate gesture had made the adrenaline spike even more, to the point that he had to suppress trembling.

They were his friends, they were safe.

But they were humans, like them…

No! Don’t think about it!

Yerim and he had always worked well together because their humour was similar and they could prompt each other and wouldn’t take it the wrong way. He just seemed to fail coming up with any replies, these days. It might quickly show that there was something wrong if he wasn’t careful.

He had to be. Careful, that was. So no one would know.

His eyes returned to where they had lingered the longest and he realised Renjun was already looking at him.

Just do as normal.

If only things had been normal and he knew what to refer to.

He looked… different. Well, that was obvious. He had been 17 when they had last met, you weren’t an adult at 17, so there would be change. His face definitely was less boyish and more mature, a hint slimmer and more oval, but still just as pretty – if not maybe more. If that had even been possible.

“So!” Guanheng slapped the binder onto the table and Donghyuck jerked away, back to reality, “Open forum, new union paper, also, video of the week!”

Renjun sat back down from where he had gotten up without more of a personal greeting.

What should they even have done?

Hug…?

Donghyuck just sat down as well. He found himself between Harvey and Jeno.

It had been a while since he had done any of this.

Renjun’s braces were gone, he realised when he started rattling down dates and schedules. His hair was parted on the side and his fringe pushed over his forehead instead of full and straight down, how he had used to wear it. When they had first met, it had been chopped off over his eyebrows and had made him look like he had been 12.

The mark was still on his hand, so that hadn’t changed.

The hair and the braces… Donghyuck nearly felt himself smile fondly remembering Renjun, stuttering and blushing and unsure where to put his hands while petting ears.

Quickly, he looked away. No one could know, he had a million other problems.

Hybrids and humans would never work, that was what they seemed to have concluded.

Donghyuck feared a discussion. He didn’t know how to come out on top of it. He didn’t even know how to hold one, he didn’t have the energy to. He’d risk crushing all his other lies. So, he had to be even more careful, here.

The others were a team, a well-oiled machine, that was immediately obvious. Donghyuck remembered being part of that, being a driver that had a purpose and a place.

Now, he was like an old part, that had gotten replaced and stood in the corner, waiting to be thrown out.

Harvey was the only one also sticking out by not fitting, but more because of the language barrier.

“So, Hyuckie said he was going to talk at the open forum. Our current main points, as mentioned, are collars, middle school, and, our all-time favourite, euthanasia. So any of those would work,” Guanheng rattled down. Donghyuck nodded. He felt sick, why had he said he could do that? He couldn’t. Why was he here?

“Oh, I hope that ult-right asshole in his slacks shows up and Hyuckie can tear him a new one!” Yerim grinned and tapped her fingers against each other in excitement.

Donghyuck could imagine what kind of person she was talking about.

“Let’s hope he doesn’t come, he’s just a waste of cells. So rude and entitled,” Sookyung frowned and shook her head.

His chest was tight again, tears hurting in it.

He knew he should just not think about it and it’d be okay.

But how could he?

He couldn’t.

He was the one to never back down, to never shy away, to never give up. That was him!

The moment he ignored his own unfair treatment and the suffering of others, would be the one when he’d have lost himself for good.

He hadn’t yet and he didn’t want to, he was going to do everything in his power so that would never happen, the day never come when he’d give up.

“What was ult-right?” Harvey looked like he already had a Korean-induced headache. Donghyuck felt for him. He had had English-induced ones all the time in the first semester, still occasionally did. Studying physics was just another level of language requirements.

That was the only thing that had gotten better over the last year.

Since he didn’t study politics, he didn’t know how to translate ult-right and instead, the others scrambled to explain until it had clicked with Harvey.

He seemed mostly harmless. He also wasn’t very tall. Not like them. Don’t think about it!

He tried to breathe through his nose and calm his upset stomach.

He could talk about all three of these topics, that Guanheng had just suggested, without having to research.

Or.

He used to.

He had never written his speeches, how Guanheng did. The others had called it a gift and Donghyuck had perceived it as one.

He wasn’t sure it was still there and not lost, together with everything else that he was missing.

He still knew the statistics. The unfairness put into cold, hard data. Rattling down numbers wasn’t what made a speech, though. It needed emotion.

Just thinking of having to stand in front of a crowd, get people asking nasty questions, telling him all these things he had heard a million times… the only emotion he felt was raw, cold fear.

But he wanted to do it. He didn’t want to not be able to. His head and heart were in conflict and it only made everything worse.

Why?

He didn’t want this… please…

Donghyuck realised his internal battle had completely removed him from the conversation and when he managed to tune back in, Jeno was whining about a video editing program and a lack of resources.

It made zero sense to Donghyuck and from how Harvey was rubbing his temples, neither did it to him.

If only he wasn’t… human. Donghyuck would have patted his back and told him to cheer up.

But as it was… he couldn’t find it in himself.

He was scared.

No.

Terrified.

And he hated it.

But he didn’t know how to make it go away, so, he just sat there and waited for Jeno and Seojeong to figure the issues with the video of the week out and for Yerim to finish the e-mailing list and for Renjun to finalise the schedule for the next week.

He had missed all this. He used to be part of this but he wasn’t anymore and he had no idea how to return to being because there was so much new and he was so scared and so anxious and he hated it.

He played with the mock-up flyer that Guanheng had brought. ‘Education is the ladder out of poverty and dependence.’

It was.

Education was what he needed.

Donghyuck nearly crumbled it between his fingers.

If only…

If only it was easier. But it never was. Nothing ever came easy when you were breaking barriers and trying to change the world.

If only they didn’t… no, don’t think about it.

Still, the spark he was searching for wasn’t there, he just felt empty and anxious.

“Donghyuck?” his head snapped up when he heard _his_ voice say his name.

No nickname. That might have been odd. Or, maybe, it was odd to not use one when Donghyuck was always just ‘Hyuckie’?

How did you do this?

How did you go back to normal after breaking up?

Donghyuck didn’t know.

He just stared up to where Renjun was standing. His bag was already packed and over his shoulder. Donghyuck’s heart was racing and his fingers tingling and butterflies in his stomach exactly how they had been when they had gotten together.

They had never left, he had never fallen out of love.

That hadn’t been the reason for their break-up.

Renjun’s eyes flitted through his face for a second, then he plastered on a smile and looked away.

“Do you still have a second? I have a birthday present for you.”

A present?

“Aw, are you trying to sneak into Hyuckie’s good graces through bribery?” Guanheng teased and Renjun’s cheeks flushed a pale pink.

Donghyuck’s heart somersaulted.

Renjun had always been terribly bad at all of this. He hadn’t expected he still was.

It was cute. A bit dorky. He liked it.

“I always have time for people giving me free things,” Donghyuck chirped and got off his chair. His tail ached, he had sat for too long. He wanted to quickly run a hand over it to help it recover but he wasn’t sure if anyone might misunderstand. Better not do it.

How stupid, having to hold back on that in a room with Hybrids’ rights activists. Donghyuck swallowed, but fear was too heavy to push past her and get comfortable enough to risk it.

“Good, um, I live in the Goshiwon just down the street. Wanna come with me?”

Donghyuck felt cold fear run down his back.

Stop!

This was Renjun!

Still, what… if…?

No! Donghyuck was trying to go back to normal. He had to try harder and he had to ignore the anxiety because he didn’t want it.

“You’ll find home on your own, right?” Guanheng asked, binder safely stowed away. Harvey and Sookyung were petting Jeno’s ears, one for each ear, and Jeno looked ready to pass out from bliss.

“I’m not a toddler,” Donghyuck raised his eyebrows.

“Just making sure, you could have forgotten all your street skills by being away in that castle-college,” Guanheng grinned and patted his cheek.

Donghyuck wished he had street skills.

The type of street skills Ten had.

Those might have kept him safe. But he didn’t. He was just a spoilt kitten from a shop. He had not been through such hardships, which was why he should be able to stick up for everyone who had had it so much worse and why he had no room for weakness.

Once they were alone, the silence between him and Renjun was thick and awkward.

At least the street was loud, shops and cars making noise to mask that Donghyuck was perfectly quiet as he walked next to Renjun.

What should he say?

You became taller, but you’re still tiny?

You became prettier, but not as pretty as me?

Do you regret breaking up as much as I do?

None of that was appropriate. None of that felt right.

Donghyuck didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he wanted to say, either.

He didn’t want Renjun to know, yet he wanted to tell him.

He had been able to tell Renjun things he hadn’t felt comfortable telling anyone else and it had always helped. Love, that could right all wrongs, that was what it had been.

Was it still, though?

Had it ever really been?

Why had they broken up if it had been right?

Maybe it never had been. He might have just thought it was.

Donghyuck didn’t know.

He had missed him.

He couldn’t stop glancing over every other step, observing Renjun’s elegant side-profile, how he brushed his hair back, how he looked around the street.

It didn’t feel like there was a hole next to Renjun, though. It didn’t seem like it was the same for him.

And it shouldn’t.

Donghyuck just wished it was.

“We’re here,” Renjun suddenly stopped and turned right, into a multi-level business building.

“Probably the fanciest Goshiwon in the history of shoebox-sized housing,” Donghyuck commented as he took in the sleek façade. The front was entirely made from glass. It couldn’t be old.

Renjun chuckled, “From outside, believe me, inside feels just like a shoebox.”

His laughing voice had always been the best. Donghyuck swallowed. He wanted more of it.

“My scholarship is only for tuition,” Renjun added, the smile still on his lips, but slowly fading. Donghyuck understood, Renjun didn’t have to explicitly say it. Gangnam’s rents were expensive. Even a shoebox was probably more than what Renjun really had a budget for, “I’m actually glad it’s so close,” he unlocked the door that led from the staircase into the actual housing part of the building.

“How… how is uni treating you?” Donghyuck tried to seem nonchalant but he had no idea how exactly Renjun’s life had been. He wished he did, now. He regretted that he had missed it but at least he had consciously done so.

“Ah… normal… I guess…” Renjun shrugged and held the door open. Donghyuck slipped past him, “I actually worry about my exams. I have so many of them. It feels really different from school, I don’t want to do badly. It’s actually interesting subjects, that seem worth cramming for. We learn about so many issues of society, I hadn’t expected them to be so well-reflected. Turn left.”

Donghyuck followed the hallway past countless closed doors.

“I mean, not like I have anything to compare to, but exams are hell,” Donghyuck agreed, “It sounds interesting, though.”

Somehow, he didn’t feel sick anymore. He didn’t feel anxious or wrong or lost or hopeless.

He didn’t feel awkward, now, that Renjun had started talking as normal.

He could even speak of college.

“Do you have tips? You’ve done it twice already, I haven’t at all.” Renjun looked questioning while he typed the combination into his lock and pushed the door open.

“Sleep enough, definitely. And remember to bring your calculator, though…”

Renjun laughed and Donghyuck found himself joining. It was freeing. It felt good. So good.

Like all wrong was right.

“Thank god I won’t need that. Doyoung-Hyung would be disappointed in me, but I’m glad to have gotten rid of the numbers.”

“He would be. Imagine his face.”

Renjun laughed harder and Donghyuck unconsciously stepped closer, seeking touch. It was an instinct.

Especially when the person wasn’t just a friend.

“I’d rather not have him know. Alright, present,” Renjun opened his closet. It was only half-full with clothes but Renjun had never owned much. Everything costed money, after all. He pulled out a small package and Donghyuck’s heart thundered, his hands tingling as he held them out to accept it.

The paper was red, how his collar was. His favourite colour. A colour that brought good luck and suited his tan skin. He nearly squeezed too hard.

“Happy late birthday?” Renjun softly added and Donghyuck felt new tears.

It had been 17 months, but for a second, it had felt like it hadn’t even been one day.

He looked up and Renjun’s eyes jerked away when he found himself caught staring.

“Thank you,” Donghyuck swallowed but it was hard.

The word echoed in his head.

Humans and Hybrids will never work.

He peeled the tape off the paper and slowly unwrapped it.

He shouldn’t entertain these thoughts. They were probably right, it wouldn’t work.

Not only because he was a Hybrid and Renjun was a human.

He was a guy and so was Renjun. Humans had issues with that. It was why no one, but a selected number of people, knew Taeil and Jungwoo weren’t strict business-partners and why they would only ever be engaged, never married, officially.

Donghyuck couldn’t hold the small gasp when he unfolded the paper and realised what Renjun had given him.

It was a snow globe with a miniature city of Seoul inside. The hills, the skyline, it was all there. All the things he missed in Poughkeepsie. Donghyuck gently shook it and the flakes rose off the ground and swirled around, sparkling a little.

“Wow!”

It was beautiful, big, but small enough to put into his suitcase and take with him.

“I know, no presents rule, but… I felt like… I don’t know, maybe I’m being dumb, I just felt like you must miss home. Occasionally. Even though I’m sure it’s great over there.”

Donghyuck couldn’t hold his tears. He tried, but they just came crashing down like a tsunami and were too much to suppress.

He sniffed when the first fell and he clutched the globe tighter, scared it would fall from his shaky hands.

Missing friends was one thing, that was easy to admit to.

Wishing to be home rather than at college? That was hard. He shouldn’t wish for that, but he did.

Renjun returned from the closet to be right in front of him, even closer than before, no distance left between them.

He was still a little shorter and he hesitated for a second, then brought a tissue up to pat over Donghyuck’s face.

“It’s okay, you know? To miss home even if it’s a great opportunity,” Renjun whispered and Donghyuck wanted to swallow his tears down but he couldn’t.

Because he did and because it was and he didn’t want to be ungrateful when he had left Renjun, and everyone and everything else, for it, and he didn’t want to let it slide away but…

“It’s hard,” it was easy to say it despite or maybe because it was Renjun.

“It must be,” Renjun’s voice was soft and he stroked his finger down the side of Donghyuck’s ear how he liked it best.

Renjun didn’t like anyone petting him at all.

But he did it for Donghyuck. He also did it for the others. He always had, he always listened, he always tried to understand.

Just how Donghyuck wanted to always listen and try to understand when he said something didn’t apply for him how it did for Donghyuck.

Humans and Hybrids could work if they had mutual respect for the other species. They were so similar, the differences could be marginal and completely incorporated into a relationship if you wanted them to be.

It wasn’t impossible. In theory.

Donghyuck let Renjun push him over to the bed to sit down. It wasn’t like it was far. The mattress was too hard for his liking and there was a bottle of water on his pillow.

Renjun’s hand was warm against his ear, comforting, safe.

Without having to force them down, Donghyuck could blink his tears away and Renjun’s hands sank to rest on his thighs.

All wrong felt right, nothing tortured him, he could just breathe and feel Renjun’s thigh against his own, stare at his hands, enjoy the silence for a moment or two.

Renjun took a deep breath and broke it, but not because it had needed to be. It hadn’t been awkward and thick, how it had been earlier. It had just been silence between them.

“It told my grandparents. You know. That I’m gay.”

Donghyuck looked up, but Renjun’s face wasn’t relieved or happy. His mouth was a thin line, brows furrowed in unhappiness.

“Oh no!” Donghyuck wished this wasn’t his reaction. He wished Renjun could be relieved and feel empowered by letting them know. He wished he could be happy with and for him. He wished Renjun wouldn’t have even been scared to tell them, there couldn’t have been a bad outcome.

But they both had known this risk and the likelihood of it ending exactly how it seemed to have.

This was why Renjun had said he could never tell them, or anyone else.

He had changed his mind. He had found courage, but he hadn’t been rewarded for it, at least not from that side – but maybe from another?

It made a difference, a huge one.

In more ways than one. Or two. Or ten.

That was why Renjun had told him that he had changed his mind, taken this big step, and revealed it to them.

“Yeah. But I just had to. I couldn’t not. I…”

Renjun’s eyes were shiny. He had always been a bit easy to cry, a bit shy, a bit awkward, easily flustered. Donghyuck hadn’t.

Normally, it had been Donghyuck patting his tears away, not the other way around.

Their gazes met and Donghyuck felt like he got sucked in. Renjun’s were just human eyes, boring, how they often joked. Still, Donghyuck had gotten lost in them more times than he could count.

Because they weren’t boring, he wasn’t boring, he wasn’t just anyone, not just any human.

Just how telling Donghyuck he had come out meant more than just that, there was more in his eyes now.

“That was really brave,” Donghyuck whispered and found Renjun’s hands. It was all so easy to slip right back into. They had done this so many times before and it was like 17 months had not passed without hearing from the other, they didn’t matter, nothing did, right now.

“I guess. I just… I just…”

Donghyuck waited and stroked his thumb over the back of Renjun’s hands, how he always had when Renjun had been insecure and worried. It was easy to do it again, none of his own worries were here, right now. They were silent like it all had never happened.

Because he loved Renjun.

Love could right all wrongs.

Right now, Donghyuck didn’t remember how lost he felt, how just a crumb of him seemed to remain, all his strength and confidence taken.

He had the heart to seize the chance, to not buckle under doubts when Renjun leaned closer, slowly, asking.

Donghyuck answered because nothing was as easy to answer, for him, as this.

Because he regretted not having fought to prove love could overcome any odds.

Because it had never changed, never gone away, and he didn’t think it ever would.

Renjun’s lips were a bit dry from airconditioning and he needed a second to catch up with what was happening, but then he kissed him back, kissed him how he always had, and Donghyuck kissed him how he always had and nothing else mattered, at least right now.

It could be the autumn of 2017 and their first kiss in the backstage area of the international summit if they pretended it was. It could be the winter of 2017 and them sneaking away to go on dates that no one knew of if they pretended it was.

It just couldn’t be the spring of 2018 when it had been accepting Taeil’s offer to stay with Johnny or accepting Mark’s offer to come to Canada with him.

It just couldn’t be the spring of 2018 when it had been the chance to do more, to become freer, to be better, but at the loss of his friends, his home, and his boyfriend that no one knew was his boyfriend.

It just couldn’t be the spring of 2018 when they had both said it was not going to work.

It could be a new chance, a chance to make right what was wrong – if they could be strong.

Right now, Donghyuck was, he was confident, he took the lead how he always had, wanting nothing more than to undo his mistakes and wanting nothing more than to have Renjun confirm he wanted to do the same.

But then, a knock on the door interrupted them and Renjun pulled away in surprise.

Donghyuck returned to reality.

Reality, where all that had happened and where he felt so in the air, he didn’t know where up and down was.

Reality, where Renjun had figured his life out, had made decisions, grown, evolved, and had let him know, but he didn’t know Donghyuck had not done the same.

Donghyuck had lost himself and was scrambling to pick up the scrabs and put them back together.

With questionable success where no room for failure was.

“Hello?” Renjun poked his head out into the hallway.

“Hwang, I saw you took a whore to your room on the CCTV. Make it go, there’s no room for that stuff here.”

Donghyuck felt the tears right back in his eyes and it suddenly wasn’t okay to say it was hard, he couldn’t be weak, he had to be strong or these people would walk all over him.

But he _was_ weak.

He wasn’t himself anymore.

His fighting spirit was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Layout for the house](https://twitter.com/155Fox/status/1249580147256242176)
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	5. Chapter 5

“Excuse me?” Renjun snarled.

Donghyuck had to get up and stand his ground. He _had_ to.

He felt sick. Scared.

He didn’t want to.

Why?

Why did they keep saying this?

Why did it now affect him when it never had before?

“The cat! Don’t deny it.”

“He’s a friend of mine, who’s visiting from the States!” Renjun spat back and Donghyuck wished he could let him fight this battle for him.

He couldn’t. He had to stick up for himself.

He had to be strong.

He rose from the bed, but it took everything he had. He felt so sick. He didn’t want to.

How many times had he said this? How many times he had he gone ignored?

Who might get hurt if he enraged the landlord?

Who, other than he?

If he didn’t say anything, Renjun would know.

But he had already admitted to it, hadn’t he?

Did he just want to… give up?

“That sounds like a poor excuse, Hwang. I don’t tolerate such immoral behaviour in my house, I have a reputation to lose.”

“Your claims are completely unfounded, though! It’s absolutely outrageous you use such a degrading word to describe _anyone_ and it’s also extremely biased and unfair to just label a stranger you’ve not talked a single word to. What basis do you even have to insult him?”

“It’s a cat, that’s what they make them for even if we have to look at them on the streets now.”

Donghyuck ripped the door from Renjun’s hand and stepped right up to the landlord in front of it.

“I am not a cat, I am a Hybrid and I was not made for anything but the path I decide to take. We became part of society when scientists created our ancestors and, as a consequence, everyone will have to accept we just exist. That or a genocide. If that’s not what you wanted, you should have kept breeding actual cats!”

The man tsked under his breath and turned his head.

Anger burnt in Donghyuck’s stomach. Familiar anger, hotter than the fear and the insecurity.

“I want an apology for being insulted!” The words were sharp off his tongue, filled with fire and determination.

He sounded like himself.

He felt like himself.

“Fine. Sorry. But if I hear one thing, I swear, I’m going to kick your ass out, Hwang.”

It wasn’t sincere.

At all.

Donghyuck stared after him as he hurried down the hallway.

But he had gotten one. He had spoken up and he had done so successfully.

He took a deep breath, trying to ignore nausea that now rose in his stomach again.

Just like that, the anger was burnt out, the confidence blown away.

“I’ll get going. I don’t want to risk your housing. Again, thank you for the globe, it’s really pretty,” Donghyuck quickly stepped over and picked it off the bed. He had his phone and his cards in his pocket, his collar was still around his neck.

It’d be best to go before Renjun would realise the full extent of what was wrong. He could ride the wave of his success… if only there still was a wave and a feeling of accomplishment.

“You don’t have to. We didn’t do anything, he has no right to kick me out, I have a contract, running for a year.”

Donghyuck couldn’t look up at Renjun. His vision was swimming in his tears.

He felt like a failure. He was one.

It hurt.

So much.

He couldn’t let him know, after all.

If he said it, he’d have to tell him everything.

He couldn’t. He was never going to accept it, no one was.

Donghyuck had to forget about it, deal with it. It had happened, he had to forget it had. That was how it’d go back to normal.

Just, what if it happened again…?

After all, there were still the same insults used to discredit him, to bring him down.

He had always been sure they’d never get to him. He was stronger than anything.

But, in the end, he was only a Hybrid, too, and not a metal wall.

“Do you want him to think we’re actually fucking?” Donghyuck turned and tucked the snow globe under his arm securely, “It’ll be better for you if he doesn’t think that.”

“I don’t care what he thinks about me. He can keep living in his narrow-minded world for all I care,” Renjun face was set, anger and determination strong on it.

Just how they should be on Donghyuck’s. He was what he should be. Strong and confident. Succeeding. Growing.

“Yeah, well, guess what, I do care people think I’m a whore. Because I’m not a sex worker and I’m not ready to face the consequences of when they think I am. I’ll see you later,” Donghyuck was already admitting too much. This should not be a problem. Yes, he had always been upset being called names, but he had just blown up in people’s faces, gotten his apologies and moved on with life.

He even had these dreadful photos out there.

The root of all evil!

He had no one but himself to blame for what was happening. That was what it boiled down to.

So, he had to leave and make it go away and forget about it.

However, Renjun didn’t seem to get that. Well. He couldn’t, he didn’t know and he shouldn’t know.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that. I didn’t know that was an issue,” Renjun’s voice immediately had softened, his face had morphed from angry to compassionate.

Listen, understand, respect. That was what he did. For Donghyuck and for everyone who wasn’t like him.

Because he was kind. Because he was wonderful.

Donghyuck felt a tear drop off his cheek and fall to the ground.

Again.

Why?

“Hyuckie, what’s wrong? You… you worry me. You look so pale, so thin, so…” don’t say it, “Not like yourself.”

Renjun’s hand was warm in his and Donghyuck let him pull him away from the door.

“I’m jetlagged and there wasn’t much time to tan,” Donghyuck’s voice shook and the lie was so obvious, so dumb, so threat-bare, he was embarrassed to even tell it.

But he couldn’t not.

“That’s not all, is it?”

No.

“Yes.”

Renjun’s eyes were attentive and dark and Donghyuck turned his head away, once more.

“You’re crying!”

“Thank you, I wasn’t aware,” Donghyuck didn’t want him to know but how could he deny it?

“I’m saying I don’t believe you!” It would have been very concerning, had he.

Donghyuck wished he knew how to tell better lies.

But he didn’t. He never had before. He wished he didn’t have to, now.

He just wanted things to be okay, normal.

“Well, maybe I changed? It’s been a year and a half. You wouldn’t know.”

The words were too sharp and too accusatory, but he spoke before he thought. Donghyuck didn’t want to have changed.

But he knew he had.

Renjun let go of his hand, face hurt.

“Well, no, but we both agreed it would be easier to do it like this. If you changed then… that’s okay, I didn’t mean to say it wasn’t.”

No, in this case, it really wasn’t. I was not okay at all.

Donghyuck used the back of his hand to wipe his tears but more immediately followed.

He felt so lost.

So empty.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to blame you. Filter broke. We both agreed.”

And he wished they hadn’t but it was probably better to return to that because it wasn’t going to work.

They’d have to be strong.

Very strong.

He knew it could work if they both fought for it.

And Donghyuck couldn’t fight for anything on top right now, he had to force himself to even fight for what was most important to him – his rights.

“We should probably just go back to that.” “I feel like that was a mistake.”

Donghyuck stared at Renjun, who stared back and blinked.

The silence was stifling.

He thought it was a mistake?

Donghyuck wished he had hesitated a second longer.

But he hadn’t. And he was too weak to explain himself now.

“Oh. Okay. I see. Yeah. Sure. I just… yeah. Guess I was a bit too fast to jump to conclusions,” Renjun muttered, awkwardly pressing his hands together.

Donghyuck closed his eyes, tried to collect himself for a second.

No, he hadn’t jumped to conclusions.

It had been a mistake but he didn’t have the energy to undo it.

“I guess, the others all keep saying humans and Hybrids don’t work, right? I see why you’d not want to. I wasn’t really willing to commit the first time,” Renjun muttered, loading the blame onto himself.

That was what they both had in common: loading baggage onto their shoulders.

For Renjun, it was blame.

For Donghyuck, it was expectations.

“Sorry.”

“No, you idiot!”

Renjun looked up, surprised. He hadn’t really changed, had he? Only a little. Enough to still be the same Renjun, just a bit more grown. To still make Donghyuck’s heart race with just one look.

Only Donghyuck wasn’t the same Donghyuck anymore. He was just a shell of… someone.

“I just can’t,” Was all he could whisper. It hurt to say it. He didn’t want to say it. Donghyuck never ‘couldn’t’.

He hated how Renjun looked pained but nodded.

“Okay. I understand.”

Why Renjun still leaned in when Donghyuck did, he didn’t know. Why he still leaned in when Renjun did, he didn’t know.

He didn’t know who had started, who was to blame, but he couldn’t mull it over when he felt Renjun’s lips against his own and it muffled all the anxiety and stress and insecurity, just how it had the first time.

It could right all wrongs – but only for a moment.

For a moment, there were just the two of them and Donghyuck knew who he was and was confident in that.

For a moment, he could take the lead, lick into Renjun’s mouth, hold his neck, and feel Renjun follow him, clinging on, naturally, easily, how it always had been.

But then, their kiss broke and Donghyuck had to pull away.

“I’ll find my way out,” he muttered, grabbing the snow globe tightly.

Renjun’s eyes were so full of hurt and worry, Donghyuck couldn’t hold his gaze.

He had been wrong thinking there wasn’t a gap next to him anymore.

It was still there, shaped like an orange tabby with a red collar, tan skin, and bright smile, first in line to anything, loudest to yell over the negativity, the one to always push for more, to never give up.

It hurt worse to realise who had come didn’t fit the hole, couldn’t even fill half of it.

Renjun had told him he had come out.

He had made it obvious he had changed what had held him back, he was willing to commit, to not back down.

To fight.

“Okay. I’ll see you at the open forum on Saturday?” Renjun looked small, insecure, and even the missing braces and the swept fringe didn’t change anything.

Donghyuck still loved him, still saw the same person he had fallen for, just matured, better, stronger, even more loveable.

“Yeah. I’ll see you then,” Donghyuck nodded.

He couldn’t give up.

Never.

But this, he couldn’t have. It’d hurt them both more if he pretended he could.

If he pretended he could, he’d get even more hurt when he told Renjun and inevitably ruined it all because Renjun would realise his own commitment and efforts were misplaced in someone like Donghyuck.

The door felt heavy in his hand, but he pulled it open and stepped outside. When he turned around, looking back, Renjun was still staring at him, unmoving.

Donghyuck couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t let him know he was failing.

He wasn’t brave enough to admit it, make it real, because it couldn’t be.

He had a plan, he had a mission, he had a goal in life.

Donghyuck gave him a small smile and wave and let the door fall shut, turning down the hallway, where he had come from.

June in Seoul was warm and sunny, generally. The monsoon season would soon change that, but for now, it was the perfect weather to be outside and recharge.

Donghyuck had always loved the sun and the sun had seemed to love him.

Right now, it felt like she was scorching him, too hot on his skin, burning and making him hurry towards the bus station closest to Renjun’s place.

Today was Wednesday. He had four days until that open forum. He had five days until Mark was going to come.

He had to be okay!

Donghyuck clutched the snow globe tighter. On the other side of the street, the sun was burning down on the people without the small mercy of an occasional roof casting a bit of shade, but he still looked and considered crossing over. He might get a bit tanner? He missed the glow on his skin. He wasn’t snow-white, not how Renjun was, but he was pale, he even saw it himself.

More importantly, Donghyuck had spotted a sign and he didn’t want to walk past that.

_Hybrid shop._

There were so many of them in Gangnam.

Hybrids were expensive, even though there had been a drop in prices around the time the Doctor-Moon-Cases had happened.

The market had quickly recovered, as quickly as the media had lost interest once all novelty had worn off. Worries were so easily silenced. Shops now sold “ethically bred” Hybrids. You could read about their parents. See the photos of the school, where the breeders send their “ware” to.

No one thought about how none of the Hybrids currently for sale could have possibly gone there because they were simply too old.

No one cared these parents were still forced into “mating” and fully stripped of their bodily authority.

No one took issue with just _buying_ a person and most wouldn’t even give them a home and family.

Well.

Some did.

Too few.

Way too few.

The street was too wide to just waltz across and the sun too hot.

Donghyuck tried to not look. He tried to keep his eyes down.

But he never could, it was like he was watching a catastrophe happen and unable to look away.

The kids sold were so young. 14, most of them. That was when Hybrids were considered to be of age.

That was when they could start being forced into sexual services, into keeping house, into working ten hours a day, free of charge, free of protection. Slavery, abuse, exploitation, rape. It was all fair when done to a Hybrid.

Donghyuck, too, had been sold at that age, but he had not perceived it as bad or feared where he’d end up.

He had been blinded by what his breeder had told him would be. He had not known anything. He had been kept ignorant, innocent, and obedient. As obedient as he had ever been. There had been not that great marks for behaviour and manners and stuff.

He had been saved by the Lee family buying him.

But buying every last Hybrid currently sold in Seoul wasn’t going to solve the issue. They’d make these people the money they craved and they’d just produce more. They’d have to buy more. It was a wicked cycle.

Still.

Donghyuck looked at the puppies, who excitedly waved. Their names, birthdates, pedigree, special talents, and biggest strengths were listed on paper and taped to the window, through which any passer-by could watch them and consider if they wanted to buy such a cute little slave.

There were no cats or bunnies among them. In some shops, they now were sold in the window, but not many. They were originally meant for sex, after all. A stigma, hard to overcome.

It was unfair that he had been lucky, he had been bought, and he now had to discourage people from doing the same for other Hybrids. He tried to leave it to others to remind people of the problems that resulted from supporting shops like this one.

It made him feel guilty.

Guilty to have been so lucky.

That, too, was why he couldn’t fail. He couldn’t let them down. Not after he had been so lucky before and had been given this rare chance.

He had no room to be weak, he had everything going for himself that most could only wish for.

The puppy behind the glass had thick black hair with a perfect white stripe down the middle, his floppy ears just like Jaehyun’s. Almost. They were impeccable, his skin soft and smooth.

Again, Donghyuck had no room to pity himself. He had no room to be anxious and scared and weak when he was so blessed. When he was to blame for what had happened.

The puppy cocked his head, his eyes curiously taking Donghyuck’s ears and hair in, getting stuck on his collar. His tail started wagging.

He was looking forward to being bought. It was the most important event in his life.

It had been in Donghyuck’s.

He had been so naïve and so dumb. Just like this puppy was.

Donghyuck smiled and waved back. He was cute. So cute.

He didn’t deserve this treatment. He wasn’t even aware of his own abuse.

It was awful.

Donghyuck wished he could smash in the window and tell him to go home.

But this puppy had no home, not in this system. He couldn’t return to his parents and he had no adoptive family either. If he was lucky, he’d get one, how Donghyuck had.

In most cases, he’d not. He’d get a Master and Mistress he’d have to serve.

The puppy gestured to Donghyuck’s collar. He stepped closer and held the tag to the window, the younger Hybrid squinting to read what was engraved into the metal.

There were two tags. One issued by the city of Seoul, based on the passport Donghyuck had from the British Shorthair Cat Breeders’ Union. It was his identification, a number, anonymous, plus his name in stiff letters. The official tag was, what kept the police from literally dragging him off the street.

Ten said the police didn’t actually do that, but in theory, they were allowed to.

More importantly, this showed other people that there was an owner who had rights over Donghyuck. An owner was the only one able to press for charges if ‘damage’ was done to a Hybrid.

His tag was his safety and protection.

The other one was golden metal, rather than silver stainless steel. The names of their parents were engraved on one side, Haneul and Minjun, and theirs on the other side, Mark, Johnny, and Donghyuck. Their father had given it to him, last time they all had met around Christmas.

Donghyuck had several of these additional golden tags, collected over the span of his life with them. First, it had only been engraved with his own name and their parents’, as well as their phone numbers. In case little him got lost. Then, it had been Mark’s in their stead, plus Mark’s phone number, when their parents had left their kids in Seoul, so Mark could get his education, many years ago. Then, it had only been his name when he had gone to Canada with Mark.

That had been lonely.

He was glad he had been given this. It felt like they were a bit closer.

A bit closer, but still so far away.

The puppy in the window had big, round eyes.

He probably dreamt to get what Donghyuck had.

Which was why Donghyuck needed to fight for him. So he’d not have to dream of it but actually get a family, get rights, get freedom. Right now, the puppy was stuck in a tiny room, well-lit, sterile, and without any privacy, offered to any passer-by like the newest fashion at Shinsegae.

“Hey!”

Donghyuck jerked around, to see who had yelled. Some other people also looked, but the man coming from the shop’s door was walking towards him and others quickly hurried on, not wanting to get involved with the trouble.

The trouble Donghyuck had brought upon himself.

“You’re ruining my business!” he hissed, glancing around. Donghyuck felt his hair sick on end.

His business, selling people, selling those of his kin.

A puppy!

Donghyuck felt anger and protectiveness.

But he was also scared.

So scared.

And none of the burning confidence he had felt earlier was helping him now.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“You’re scaring off customers. Don’t give the pup weird ideas! Get lost!”

Donghyuck _wished_ he could give the puppy weird ideas through a window.

He _wished_ it was that easy.

“Oh no, a cat Hybrid! Shock, gasp! Like you don’t sell kittens in the back,” Donghyuck hissed, but it came out weak.

“Not like you weren’t trying to ruin that for me, little pest,” the man raised a hand, anger clearly making him unaware of his own gestures.

If he so much as touched Donghyuck, he’d violate South Korean law. Donghyuck was the Lee family’s property and a stranger without consent forbidden from touching him, much less hurt.

But it’d still hurt.

Donghyuck hated it when it hurt. He felt himself stumble backwards.

“I said get lost, go to hell, together with your ridiculous union of arrogant twats!”

He knew him, Donghyuck had already suspected so, but this made it clear.

He should start an argument.

He should stand his ground. Make him regret having threatened physical harm, in public, no less, how he had, just half an hour ago, at Renjun’s place.

When he had felt like himself.

But the feeling wasn’t there. He was just the shell, the shy, scared, anxious, useless shell, that was left.

He turned and hurried down the street, away from the shop and the shop owner and the innocent puppy.

Far away.

Like the failure he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, there's no end for the angst in sight yet ^^;;;
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	6. Chapter 6

The entrance room of the office of Heaven was bright, with several pictures on the walls. Many of them had already been hung up in the old office, some had been added here, replacing older ones. Most of them were drawn by Sicheng.

The photo of the entire office’s team, that hung between the copies of Taeil and Jungwoo’s many certifications, was new. Donghyuck recognised the editing style as Johnny’s, but he had already known he had taken them. The uniforms the nurses and doctors all wore were cute, each a little different, to add individuality, but enough to show they were one team.

The air was cool here, blissfully so, and the two people behind the big reception desk looked up.

“Oh, Donghyuck?” Ten’s ears turned his direction.

Donghyuck plastered on a smile. Everything hurt. He hated it.

“Hey, I thought I’d drop by and greet my favourite receptionist!” Donghyuck chirped and Sooyoung stood up. She wore red lipstick, she often did, it always looked good.

“How nice of you!” she laughed and came around the table. Ten rolled his eyes but chuckled, “Ah, it’s been so long! I always still expect you to be smaller,” Sooyoung hugged him and then squeezed his cheek.

“Well, it wasn’t me who decided to have a child,” Donghyuck pretended to be offended, but he felt like her expecting him to be younger might be similar to him expecting people to be.

He hoped it wasn’t as excruciating for her as it was for him.

Sooyoung had gotten pregnant and taken her well-deserved maternity leave, from which she had only returned after Donghyuck had left. He also kind of remembered her to look younger. Not that she was old, not at all, but her entire demeanour had matured. Being a parent probably inevitable did that.

Ten had taken up her job when she had left, but while she had been gone, the workload had sky-rocketed – more patients, more doctors, more publications. It all needed to be organised, so it hadn’t been any problem for her to return when she had wanted to. She worked part-time now.

“But it was so worth it. Do you want to see some photos?”

Donghyuck nodded. He could use some distraction. Something normal.

Nothing felt normal, but he still followed her to the other side of the desk.

“You look a little sun-burnt,” Ten pointed out when Donghyuck leaned his hands onto the table.

Donghyuck looked down.

“That can’t be,” He had not got burnt once in his life. His skin loved the sun!

“Hm,” Ten looked worried and caressed a finger over his arm. It looked red-ish, but not to that extent… “Oh, a snow globe? In June?”

Donghyuck nodded and Ten gently shook it, letting the flakes twinkle over the city.

“It’s my birthday present,” he explained.

“Oh, who broke the rule?” Ten grinned and looked up, “A secret admirer?”

“In that case, I should be flooded, shouldn’t I?” Donghyuck leaned down to look at the baby pictures on Sooyoung’s phone.

A secret admirer.

Bull’s eyes, pretty much?

It had always been secret. It needed to stay secret.

“Oh, how cute!” Donghyuck cooed. Ten leaned onto his shoulder, looking into the phone next to him as Sooyoung swiped through the gallery and supplied commentary to what they were seeing.

Donghyuck was kind of indifferent towards children. He neither thought of them as tiny monsters, meant to drive you to insanity with their crying, nor did he immediately develop heart-eyes upon seeing them.

Sooyoung’s baby looked cute. Was that even still a baby? It could already walk and had hair and all?

Donghyuck had to hold back more tears upon seeing this tiny human so big already, the proof of the time that had passed since he had first learnt about Hybrid activism, about how he could change something.

Change everything.

If he was strong enough.

It had been the very last month Sooyoung had been working before leaving, that Renjun had marched through the doors of Heaven and announced that it was immoral to kill people.

Not like Taeil had ever done that, but how should he have known?

It felt like yesterday, that Donghyuck had insisted to meet this human that Jeno had ‘befriended, all on his own, and who didn’t know how to pet ears’.

It simultaneously felt like a million years ago, a completely different life.

They were interrupted by patients arriving, but no one made him go, instead, more photos were pulled up and Donghyuck slowly cooled down, but his anxiety didn’t leave.

Maybe he should just accept this was normal now and stop trying to find out how to go back to what seemed to no longer exist.

It was almost half an hour later when Donghyuck finally left. He had not distracted them from work for that long. He had helped store away supplies, something that they always struggled to do on the side because there was so much, more important, paperwork.

It had felt useful at first, but it was mind-numbing with time, to the point that he had grown downright hopeless and miserable as he had stacked gauze and plaster. So, he had quickly bid his goodbye when he finally had finished.

He used the shortcut through the back. There had already been a short cut when the office had still been in the old building. There were many similarities, but not enough, it wasn’t the same. This, here, was better, but Donghyuck still missed what wasn’t anymore.

It seemed like his overall fragile mind was trying to do anything to find purchase and reassurance.

If only he could be strong enough to provide it and not rely on extrinsic factors he had no control over.

He felt helpless, in this situation he was stuck in, which just should not be. Donghyuck had never been stuck anywhere. Just, ignoring what imprisoned him didn’t seem to work and the energy to fight it was nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Donghyuck, did you get lost?” Yuta suddenly asked and Donghyuck squeaked and twisted around to where he had come out of nowhere.

Yuta laughed, “What world were you lost in to not have heard me?”

A different one. A better one. A past one.

“Admit it, you were sneaking around to make me suffer a heart attack,” Donghyuck pouted.

“Sure, it’s one of my favourite past-times to practice my chest compressions,” Yuta made some movements with his hands as if he was trying to revive someone. Donghyuck’s eyes got caught on Yuta’s bracelets. They were always rainbow-coloured with an unproportionate amount of blue. The first year he had worn them, Donghyuck and the others all had had Sicheng explain how to make them and then made friendship bracelets in the green of the union.

They had varied from awful to terrible, depending on the crafter. Donghyuck’s was carefully tucked away, filed together with his paperwork, the articles, and everything else he never wanted to lose.

Yuta’s were neither terrible nor awful, they looked like store-bought because Sicheng had made them and Sicheng was a genius when it came to these things. Store-bought but better because they all were different and unique. Yuta also wore about 20 of them on both sides.

“I’ll sue for animal abuse,” Donghyuck poked Yuta’s waist and Yuta laughed harder, “Don’t you have a job to do here?”

“Oh, you want me to take some blood?” Yuta’s eyes glinted in mischief.

“Animal abuse!” Donghyuck knew to keep his voice down but he still kept poking Yuta until he was wheezing and curled up, almost losing balance.

Donghyuck laughed along, but he had mercy before Yuta was actually going to fall.

He missed this so much. Even now, that he had it, instead of being able to enjoy it, he kept thinking of how short it’d be until he’d have to leave.

Return.

There.

Just like almost every night, he woke and couldn’t breathe, gasping for air and coughing.

But he didn’t find his inhaler.

It wasn’t in his pocket. Where had it gone?

Donghyuck internally cursed, hearing his breath rattle, and started to search the bed.

It must have fallen from his pocket during the night.

Why?

“Donghyuck?” Guanheng rasped.

“Ye-ah. I – I’m – fi - ne,” his bed-host was already awake, might as well just search for his medication without regard.

“Holy shit, are you dying?”

“N-o,” Donghyuck needed his medication. This was all normal. It was fine, he was fine, he was awake now, the nightmares were over.

Finally, he felt the hard plastic against his fingers and grabbed it, immediately shaking it and uncapping it before he finally got his dose.

“Oh, asthma. You got me worried there for a second. That was a pretty strong attack, though, wasn’t it?”

Donghyuck had to hold for another moment. The time he needed to think of an excuse.

It was a strong attack, probably, but it felt normal because it had been almost half a year since they had started to become this strong.

To Guanheng, who wasn’t used to them, it might seem worse.

If he didn’t give a good reason, he’d risk Guanheng might bring it up again and have others worry, too.

Or have Taeil know.

Taeil would know this was a strong attack and not something Donghyuck should be having if everything was normal.

Just…

What did he say?

Finally, he couldn’t hold his breath anymore even though he tried.

He gasped for air and his lungs filled properly.

“Not really, nightly attacks very much happen for asthma patients,” he tried to downplay what had just happened, “as you can see. Or do you doubt Taeil-Hyung’s abilities?”

Guanheng’s eyes were narrowed. Of course, he didn’t doubt Taeil. Donghyuck knew it was manipulative to say this, but he could not let him fuss over this and draw attention to it.

Donghyuck didn’t deserve to be worried about when there were people who had it so much worse than him! He was so lucky, he had a responsibility, a plan, a goal.

“Do you need to drink something, maybe?”

Donghyuck shook his head and laid back down. He felt his shirt stick to his body from cold sweat.

Guanheng followed but immediately pushed his arm around Donghyuck, snuggling closer. It felt good. He needed all the cuddling he could get, to recharge and go without it after this was over.

“You’d tell Taeil-Hyung if it was a problem, right?” Guanheng whispered and Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut.

“There’s no problem, it’s all under control, don’t worry or you’ll get grey hair. Oh! Too late!”

“Har har,” Guanheng grumbled.

He had four more days, well, three, to get in under control.

Or…

Or what?

He couldn’t tell anyone. There was no room for this.

It had to go away.

It would if he just tried harder, if he did more normal and fun things. That was how this worked.

And who more fun and normal than Johnny?

Most people were working and not home.

Johnny wasn’t really not working, but he didn’t have a fixed job. He wasn’t an influencer, a freelance photographer might come close, but it also didn’t fit quite because he only got work from the photography studio he worked for and had an employment contract. It was occasional, about one gig every other week. The rest of his time, he spent working on his skills, to improve and in return get more work, in the future.

So, that was what they had left to do: take photos in Yeouido.

Donghyuck had asked Taeil if he had gotten sun-burnt, yesterday after dinner and Jaemin calling him a lobster.

“Well, a sun-burn can have different degrees. I’d not call this anything worrying, that needs to be treated with more than a bit of lotion, but you should make sure to keep extra safe from her rays for a few days. Sun-burns are really harmful to the skin. Ask Jungwoo and his sun-damaged arms.” Taeil had thrown his partner a disapproving glare and Jungwoo had looked sheepish.

Donghyuck had never gotten sunburnt. It was just wrong. Just like everything else. Still, the evidence was right there and it all fit into his messed-up life.

So, he had put on a long-sleeved shirt. It might seem weird to pack one for Seoul’s summer, but he had 85% of his belongings in the gigantic suitcase he had brought. The dorms were closed for the break and all inhabitants kicked out. Therefore, he had everything that wasn’t in London with their parents on himself. A long-sleeved shirt was an essential for New York’s winter.

“I think triple chocolate is too much. The chocolates get lost in there and it all tastes the same,” Johnny announced and Donghyuck leaned back, tipping the cup in which blueberry cheesecake had been, so he could get their worth of ice cream.

He knew it wasn’t good manners and he knew he shouldn’t be doing it. But Johnny was right here, right next to him, having just done the very same thing. No one was going to mess with him, thus, Donghyuck was safe.

“I told you so,” Donghyuck announced and folded the cup up, so it’d take up less space in the rubbish bin.

“I should have listened to my smart little Hyuckie,” Johnny whined and grabbed him, pulling him over the bench. Donghyuck laughed and went slack against him. It felt so good. So safe. So comfortable.

Like home he constantly missed.

“Speaking of smart, I’ve yet to see the physics show-off between you, Ten, and Doyoung.”

Donghyuck imagined them in the living room, spotlights on all three of them and Taeyong excitedly MC-ing.

Suddenly, just the idea of being in that spotlight, having all eyes on him, having to deliver while people watched, made his stomach twist uncomfortably, cold running over his skin and letting goosebumps rise all over it.

“I think I’d lose.”

Johnny pulled away, eyes wide.

Oh. Oh, that had been the entirely wrong thing to say.

Since when would Donghyuck admit loss? And before even trying?

Never!

Not the old Donghyuck, anyway…

He bit his tongue, but he couldn’t take his words back.

Johnny’s eyes were dark and scanned his face in earnest.

“Just kidding,” Donghyuck turned and pressed himself against his torso, evading his gaze.

Still, Johnny had noticed, of course, he had. Arms tightened around him again, pulling him even closer, and Johnny rested his chin on top of his head.

It wasn’t very busy here, or Donghyuck would have worried someone might see and misunderstand. Instead, he could allow himself to relax and enjoy it. As much as possible with fear and anxiety still torturing him mercilessly.

“Hyuckie, are you okay? Is college okay? Are your friends doing well? Did you make more? Is everyone nice? I think I haven’t asked yet, I should have,” Johnny softly inquired.

Donghyuck’s stomach sunk.

No, he hadn’t asked and Donghyuck had been happy he hadn’t.

It was hard to lie to his friends.

It was almost impossible to lie to Johnny.

This was Johnny, his favourite, best, beloved Hyung.

How could he be dishonest with him?

When Johnny had first asked, Donghyuck had been on Christmas break and they had met in London.

Things had still been amazing. Yes, hard, but nothing too tragic, nothing that he hadn’t been able to just shrug off.

Things should still be amazing. He was the problem.

He was being ungrateful, he was being weak and thus failing.

Johnny’s hand in his hair was gentle, weaving through the strands slowly and scratching over his scalp with just enough pressure to relax him further.

“Hyuckie?”

He had four more days until Mark was going to come and ask, too.

It wasn’t even a question if he was going to notice.

Of course, he would. Even strangers like Harvey noticed.

“Yeah, classes are interesting. I think my English is slowly getting there, I’ve had less trouble following the professors and the tutorials were pretty understandable this semester. The exams, too. I managed to get through all questions for most of them.”

Johnny kept running this hands through his hair, still holding him tight and safe and too warm for summer but just warm enough to work against the coldness in his chest.

“That’s really good to hear. I’m so proud of you for being so smart and so hungry to learn.”

It felt good to be told this. These things still applied, didn’t they? Donghyuck could accept these praises.

He wanted to learn. He wanted to study.

He wanted to succeed!

Education was the key to freedom.

Or, well, no, probably not. That sounded like it would suddenly be easy once he had his degree.

Donghyuck wasn’t that naïve anymore. It was not going to be easier.

But it was one more important step.

During the trials against Ten and Xiaojun’s abusers, Taeil had had a lawyer with him. The man had understood all the rules that the government used to structure their society, he had known how to navigate them and how to work with them to get justice.

Justice, that was what Donghyuck wished for.

As a lawyer, he could bring justice!

He wanted to become one, so it could be him helping Hybrids getting recompensation for the harm they had suffered, to free themselves from abuse, to overcome pain and find closure.

As a lawyer, people would take him more seriously. He’d have written proof that he was smart, he was capable. No one could discredit that, no one would be able to take that from him.

He had to graduate from college to get closer to that dream. It was the only way.

He couldn’t tell Johnny what had happened.

Johnny was protective. Donghyuck knew it was an instinct and he had often benefitted from it, he didn’t see any issue with it.

But he knew Johnny was going to misunderstand and stop loving him as his little brother. He couldn’t. He needed to return there even though it felt like hell. Three years were left, he already had 25% done.

He could not give up.

“Didn’t we come to take photos?” Donghyuck asked, looking up. His ear got stuck under Johnny’s chin, but he didn’t care as it folded. It happened all the time, ears located high up and sticking out did that.

“We did, didn’t we? But my coffee’s not finished and you also didn’t tell me about your friends yet,” Johnny demonstratively took a sip and didn’t budge from where he was holding Donghyuck.

“Right, so, I have this really annoying friend, who always practices his speeches at 10 pm. I told him he was going to go grey prematurely, but he already did, partially. Really sad for him.”

Johnny giggled so hard, his coffee started splashing in his cup. It was cute.

“Oh and you got a snow globe from Renjun, didn’t you?”

Donghyuck felt his cheeks flush, but he, luckily, was turned away. Johnny wouldn’t see.

“Yeah. It’s really pretty.”

“I feel like I should be allowed to gift you something, too, now, that he broke the rule. I saw a pair of red checked trousers, not long ago, and they strongly reminded me of you. I took a pic, let me show you.”

Donghyuck let Johnny turn his phone.

“Yeah. They look cute.” Very flashy. Here, he could wear them. Once he returned, he’d be well-advised to leave them in the closet.

Why did he think of that? It was months away. He had time. He had all summer.

Two days had passed already. Time was rushing already.

He snuggled closer to Johnny.

It needed to be okay. Please!

“I’d like to give them to you for your birthday if you want? I’d even adjust them to fit your tail,” Johnny’s fingers ghosted over the edge of Donghyuck’s ears, how he really liked it.

“Why don’t they make them with an option for Hybrids?” Donghyuck grumbled.

Johnny hummed and stroked up his ear.

“Maybe, they will soon. Some brands already made it almost standard. It’s really good progress.”

It was.

Things were moving in the right direction.

“Because they’ll miss business if they don’t. It’s such a dumb decision to not make them, just to exclude us,” Donghyuck muttered.

“I know, Hyuckie,” Johnny whispered and brushed his finger down his cheek, “But the world is changing. You’re changing the world. You know you do, don’t you? I’m so proud of what you’ve achieved.”

Donghyuck nodded mutely, feeling tears in his eyes.

Was he really, though?

He felt like he was not achieving anything, still anxious, still waking up with nightmares and his asthma suffocating him, still thinking about them, still not a single step back to being himself.

And then, his time was up.

It was Saturday evening.

Open forum.

Donghyuck didn’t know the place they held it at. It was somewhere in Itaewon, over the river, close to the Union’s headquarters. The Union originated in Canada, thus the people who had first brought the ideas here had been foreigners and Itaewon was a hotspot, after all.

There was an office, where people who struggled with anything Hybrid related – owners, Hybrids, interested third parties – could come during the consultation hours and find help. They also stored all the things they might need again in the office.

There were many people volunteering and helping out to keep it running. Even though, as Sookyung had put it, they were bleeding members, the union had many registered supporters left. Donghyuck had looked into the numbers, just to get a better understand of how serious the situation was.

At least they weren’t actually down to 20 people.

Doing consultation hours or just giving money was a good and relatively easy way to contribute. The support-office was helpful, well-established, and had a good reputation. You didn’t even risk anyone insulting you. Those who needed help came to find it and not to fight you on basic facts they thought were an opinion to discuss.

It wasn’t the same as pushing boundaries, challenging taboos, and trying to change the world.

Sometimes, meetings were held there, too, but even before Donghyuck had left, it had been inconvenient because not a single person had lived close. Nevermind the room was small. Even for such tiny meetings, like the one he had been to on Wednesday, it would be too tight in there.

It kind of made sense to return to the roots and source from the good reputation their consultation had, to host the open forum. Really, it was a good ritual to get together and communicate, to have regular chances to speak, to remind people of what was still ahead, but also share successes.

It sounded amazing in theory.

If only it was already over.

Donghyuck felt so sick. He had not eaten more than a bit of rice for breakfast, and now he wasn’t even sure why he was sick anymore – nerves or hunger?

But he wanted to talk. He wanted to do this!

He was going to get through this and if it was on pure stubbornness, he didn’t care. He was going to hold his speech and try to remind everyone why they had won battles but not the war and why they could never give up because their enemies weren’t sleeping.

They were lurking, ready to undo every last baby-step taken.

“You look a bit pale, don’t you think?” Jaehyun’s voice was gentle over the noise of the Metro.

“I know, I tried to tan and then I got sunburnt like an idiot,” Donghyuck sighted, feigning ignorance. At least he was here with only Jeno and him. He was confident he could wiggle out of honest answers with some decent explanations. They were trusting enough to not question until cracking him.

Donghyuck didn’t want to be cracked, but he knew it wouldn’t be hard if someone really tried.

It was already all falling apart without anyone asking.

Guanheng had gone to meet up with Renjun and Yerim beforehand and would meet them there.

Donghyuck felt even sicker.

Seeing Renjun had not made anything better, yet it had, yet it hadn’t, and he did not know what say to him or what to do.

He only knew he was still in love and that simultaneously made everything better and also everything worse.

“Right. Did you forget to use sunblock? It’s really important to treat your skin nicely. I know I have no room to talk, but I’ve come to the realisation and I wish everyone else could avoid my mistakes,” Jaehyun stroked over Donghyuck’s arm. His skin was back to weirdly pale-ish. It hadn’t even peeled, fortunately. It also hadn’t magically turned into the bronze hue he was lacking, unfortunately.

“I used it, but only SPF 15. I was always fine, but I guess finals just ruined my tan for me,” Finals, among everything else.

“But you have a higher one? I could lend you mine if you need?” Jaehyun looked very worried. Donghyuck knew skin was a serious matter for him, after all, it had been the reason why he had ended up with Taeil.

A harmless eczema was why his breeder and the shop owners had declared him worthless and had wanted to get rid of him.

Meanwhile, no one ever had wanted to get rid of Donghyuck. He was lucky. Very lucky.

“Thanks. I have a higher one now, I got it from Oh Sehun’s cardboard cutout at Nature Republic, personally, so it must be the best.”

Jaehyun grinned.

“Surely.”

The Metro chimed obnoxiously and Donghyuck let himself be carried along the masses leaving the train, Jeno stuck to his arm to not lose him.

Donghyuck wouldn’t mind getting lost. Yes, he wanted to talk, but if some unfortunate, unhelpable situation were to keep him away?

He wouldn’t be sad.

But Jeno made sure none of that happened and they emerged from the underground tunnels. The evening was warm and the sun still busy setting, casting Itaewon in warm glowing light.

“Do you always hold it at the same location?” Donghyuck hadn’t let go of Jeno even though the pedestrian’s walk wasn’t crowded enough to need to hold on.

Jeno didn’t mind.

Just like a few days ago when he had stuck to Johnny, Donghyuck needed Jeno to keep going.

It was crushing expectations that _he_ had shouldered onto himself. _He_ was going to have to deal with them.

“Yes, it’s a café and the owners are the best! Their bunny works there as a barista, seriously, she makes amazing coffee. We should come during the day some time. They’re very supportive, they let us use it free of charge and even supply drinks and stuff. They’re great!” Jeno nodded eagerly.

It sounded good.

“I hope a few more people will show up. Last time was really… empty. There used to be a time when we didn’t have enough chairs,” Jaehyun looked upset.

As upset as Donghyuck felt.

He had to do something!

And he was going to. He was going to talk and try his best.

He had to.

Everything was at stake here.

Well, not everything…

But a lot.

This was so important to him.

Donghyuck felt a spark of willpower and he tried to pretend he hadn’t noticed it, so it wouldn’t immediately burn out again. If he left it, maybe, hopefully, it’d grow into a flame?

The café looked adorable from outside, with curly lettering for the name and decorations in the windows.

The inside was just as cute, pillows on the chairs and more decoration, all matching, throughout the room.

It was quite big, but not huge.

Not that big an audience would fit in here even if it’d end up packed.

But still quite a lot of people.

Donghyuck tried to swallow.

“Guys!” Yerim waved from where she was behind the counter. Fliers were spread over it, all different types, on different topics.

There were so many to still address…

Donghyuck’s eyes landed on Renjun and caught him staring. Renjun immediately looked away and resumed turning chairs, so they’d all face the front.

The front, where Donghyuck was supposed to stand.

“Did you happen to bring my vitamins?” Guanheng asked, looking sheepish.

“Of course!” Jaehyun reached into his pocket and produced the small package, that Guanheng had forgotten. He wasn’t ill or anything, but he had been feeling under the weather and this had Zinc, which helped the immune system.

Guanheng ripped the bag open and tipped it back, letting the powder fall onto his tongue.

Jeno pulled away from the group and since Donghyuck was still attached to him, he followed involuntarily.

He could have let go, obviously. He didn’t.

“Hyuck, I want to help them,” Jeno chuckled and Donghyuck pouted at him, but let go after another second, “Thank you.”

He realised they were right next to Renjun and Harvey, who were now attacking more tables that needed to be pushed aside.

Once more, he met eyes with Renjun. This time, Renjun smiled and Donghyuck’s heart skipped a beat.

Donghyuck took a second, then he turned to help Jeno, only to realise he had picked up the table all by himself and carried it over to where Renjun and Harvey were headed like this was a dollhouse.

He had definitely beefed up a lot. Donghyuck just watched him, wondering what he was supposed to do now.

He felt completely out of place.

No one needed his support here, there was nothing he could offer they were lacking.

“ _Hey, so I was wondering_ ,” Donghyuck looked around in surprise when he heard the unexpected English with English accent, to find Harvey beaming at him, _“I have to hand in an essay for my Korean class. I’m doing Korean studies, just in case you didn’t know… which… wait, why should you know?”_ Harvey scratched his head, clearly confused by his own reasoning. Donghyuck couldn’t help smiling a little.

He still felt sick from hunger and nerves, but Harvey seemed nice.

Not safe, but nice.

_“Right, so, okay, from the top. I’m here on my year abroad because I study Korean studies in the UK and now I’m doing the Korea-England exchange program because it fits and I can get credit for my degree at home. Makes sense?”_

_“Perfectly,”_ Donghyuck nodded.

_“Right, so, you can totally say it’s too much, I know it’s kind of a big favour to ask, but I’m pretty screwed and desperate, so. I need to hand in an essay. The topic is free choice and it’s for my Korean course, so they focus on grammar and vocabulary. I thought it’d make sense to write on something from the union since I’m familiar and it came easily. I actually quoted some articles in which you were featured. I really feel so dumb for not recognising you, last time.”_

Once more, Harvey scratched his head.

He didn’t seem too bad, really not. Normally, Donghyuck would have patted his back and said no problem.

But he was too scared to touch him.

 _“It’s not like I’m famous or anything, so don’t sweat it. I think it’s great you chose something Hybrid related, that must have been extra work for you, right?”_ Donghyuck managed to not let his fear bleed into his voice.

He didn’t want to be rude to him, he was helping them. There was no reason to be, but, apparently, just being a white person was enough to make Donghyuck’s body go into a spiralling nervous breakdown.

He wished it’d go away, leave him alone and let him just converse with him.

Harvey shrugged, _“Not too much. I actually know lots of words because I always go to the meetings. I’m in the union at home, it’s really important to me. I’m also against animal cruelty, so I’m a vegan. Well. I try to be a vegan, it’s been a bit difficult here.”_

 _“Okay, that’s cool! I was wondering why you even joined, it’s not like the typical activity for an exchange student,”_ it really wasn’t. Those at his college were known to party the hardest and care about their grades the least. That Harvey bothered even though he clearly struggled with the language showed how serious he was about this.

Still, Donghyuck couldn’t help the uncomfortable feeling he got from him.

_“Maybe not, but who cares. As I said, it’s really important in my opinion. As a human, I feel like it’s my duty to support you in every way I can. I looked up if I could somehow join before I even came because after I had heard about the rise of the union’s branch here in 2017, I knew about its existence for sure. I mean, it was kind of like joining the cooler sister-clan. They covered the brothel cases in the UK’s Union-newsletter and we were super excited for you and all the successes, it was like a really satisfying tv show._

_“Nevermind your college application and successful admission, of course. I had heard of that as well. Everyone did! I just wasn’t sure if there’d be any way for me to contribute here, so I emailed with Renjun before I ever set foot into Seoul, so that was great. Which… you didn’t ask about any of this, sorry, I really went on a tangent there.”_

Harvey laughed at his own failure to stay on topic. It was charming, he seemed really harmless, but it didn’t dispel the discomfort.

But his mere existence suddenly wasn’t the only problem anymore.

Harvey had said everyone knew about him.

Donghyuck swallowed. He knew they did. Well. Not _everyone_. But a significant number of people, inside and outside of the union and her many sister branches all over the world. He had been fairly much talked about, last year.

He also knew about the Hybrids who were to follow his example this year. The names, the faces as they smiled into the cameras. They didn’t make headlines how he had, but they still were rare, noteworthy.

They were taking such important steps, but Donghyuck couldn’t help feeling even more pressured because they did.

No doubt, they would finish what they would start. After all, it was a huge chance, one you just _had_ to seize and make the best of. Even if Donghyuck had paved their way, they had worked hard to get where they were now and they were helping to allow more and more of their kind to follow after until it wouldn’t be newsworthy anymore.

Hard work, plus a lot of luck to even get to the point where they could try to achieve any of that.

The same luck Donghyuck had had.

How embarrassing would it be if the next news was about him dropping out, him buckling under the pressure?

Even without the younger Hybrids following him, it would have already been, to prove those saying he could never succeed right.

To prove them right and then have others still succeed would make it even more humiliating.

Nevermind he could even risk their spots if he dropped out. He had paved the way into college – not to graduation, that was still ahead and something he had to achieve for himself as well as for them.

There was no room for failure!

 _“Let’s get back on topic!”_ Harvey re-focussed and rubbed his hands. Yes, Donghyuck should get back on topic and not stress and panic in this over-dramatic fashion.

“ _I actually wanted to ask if you, by any chance, would be able to proofread my essay? Since we still have finals and the deadline is right after. I asked Guanheng but he said he wasn’t sure since he’s not a native Korean and makes mistakes himself. Then I asked Jeno, but he said he’s terrible at spelling because he learnt how to write so late. They both told me to ask you, but if you can’t, it’s no problem.”_

Harvey had a very crooked, very desperate smile on.

It wasn’t like Donghyuck had much else to do. An essay on Hybrid rights seemed like a great thing to hand in for a language course, it really showed determination. He should support that!

_“I guess? What do you need me to do?”_

Harvey did a little jump in relief and Donghyuck found himself laughing at his antics.

He couldn’t be bad.

But what if he was wrong and he was?

 _“Really not much, really! I’d send you the file and then if you could read it through and just let me know if there’s some serious issues or mistakes? That’d be absolutely amazing!_ ”

Sure, no problem.

Proofreading.

That was something really normal, something really helpful.

Donghyuck exchanged numbers with Harvey and tried to ignore the people, who started to file inside now.

It felt like there were a lot of them. Rationally, that observation was false, but his head told him differently.

It’d help him to have a mint. He had always taken them before everything. Not because he liked them particularly much, but it just had become a ritual, so he had good breath and could fire away.

Donghyuck had them in his pocket, next to his reliever medication.

He decided to seek privacy in the small passage to the restrooms. His chest was tight but not from asthma. Taking more salbutamol wouldn’t help.

Nevermind he’d run out much too fast of it as was already. He was supposed to take this in rare situations that were too bad for his controllers to calm. As in, less than twice a week unless he had extra physical activity.

He had had these ‘rare situations’ at least once a day over the last months.

His doctor in the states hadn’t really asked. He had explained he needed it and he had gotten it prescribed because the record Donghyuck had brought had been in Korean and he had had all the symptoms to confirm the diagnosis. The man hadn’t been interested in looking any further into it, but just nodded it off and that had been settled.

It was probably outside his expertise. It was out of most Hybrid doctors’.

Not every doctor was specialised in everything, but Hybrid doctors, stereotype or not, were known to be lazy. They did what was obviously going to be an issue. Broken bones, open wounds, they were usually very good at taking care of any of that, maybe strep throat or an inflamed ear would get the attention they deserved, too.

Other things were easily declared as unfixable, like asthma, or self-healing, like atopic dermatitis.

Or impossible, like depression.

It had gotten better in South Korea, but that didn’t mean much since it had been downright catastrophic just five years ago. Anything would be an improvement. Looking at North America, where stricter rules had already been in place for longer and several certifications were available for doctors to overcome their bad reputation and prove they weren’t like that, it seemed like the road ahead was still very, very long because even there, the care was subpar.

At the first office in New York, that Donghyuck had actually put effort into finding through the Union’s website, he had provided a translated copy of his file from Heaven and the added records from the office in Canada he had obediently gone to every month. In Canada, they had been very nice and always tried very hard to find something, but he had done pretty well and no adjustment had been needed. It had been a lucky hit to find a good doctor, it didn’t have anything to do with Canada being ahead because they weren’t. It had just been dumb luck and the same dumb luck had not graced Donghyuck a second time.

Unlike them, the man in the States had read up what exactly Taeil had usually done, had said he didn’t do lung capacity testing because he lacked the equipment and no one needed that anyway, had listened to any sounds of his lung, and then prescribed exactly what Taeil had.

Needless to say, Donghyuck had complained but gone ignored. So, he hadn’t gone again. It wasn’t like the man had ever asked to see him again. He just got his re-fills at the pharmacy.

Once Donghyuck had started to constantly have nightmares and attacks, he had simply changed doctors, not given him the translation, explained bullshit, and told their parents he had tried someone else in hopes of them actually treating him.

Well, honestly, he had hoped for that. It hadn’t happened, but he had gotten more medication.

The mint burnt on his tongue because it was so strong. Donghyuck tried to savour that taste that made his mouth feel cold.

It reminded him of how it had been. It was classical conditioning, Donghyuck was Pawlow’s dog. Or cat.

“Donghyuck?”

He turned around and saw Renjun slip through the door, closing it behind himself.

“Hey. Am I late?” Donghyuck had left with little time to spare. They’d probably start late, anyway.

“No. I just wanted to check on you,” Renjun smiled and Donghyuck swallowed thickly. He felt a bit lightheaded. He should have had some sugar. He should have eaten. Well. He had tried he just had been unable to.

Taking a mint wasn’t the only thing he had done before going on stage for something. It used to be, but then, he had kissed Renjun after that talk at the summit and ever since, that had snuck into their routine.

“Aw and I thought you were here to kiss me, guess I was wrong, then,” Donghyuck spoke before thinking.

He should maybe not joke about this.

But Renjun took two steps and grabbed his t-shirt, pulling him closer with unknown strength and Donghyuck was so surprised, he had to use his tail to stabilise.

His nerves were silenced for a moment and he kissed back eagerly, not actually having expected it.

But not expecting it made it even better.

“There,” Renjun huffed and pulled away, cheeks flushed.

Donghyuck took a second to return to reality, staring in surprise.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck. Guess I did now. Our friends from the narrowmindedness-party turned up again. Just as a warning. Not like you need it or… maybe you do,” Renjun’s eyes flitted through his face for a second, then, he turned away.

Donghyuck bit down on the mint in his mouth and it crushed between his teeth.

No.

He was not going to let them have this power over him.

No one had power over him, other than himself. Only the law was above him.

He had ignored it in hopes of not accidentally squashing it, but now he felt it in his chest.

Determination.

Strength.

Confidence.

An iron will.

Not a spark.

A flame.

He pushed the door open with a bit too much force, but he couldn’t be bothered, not really.

It was just a small open forum, but he had the power to change the minds of the people here, he had the power to relight fighting spirit, to remind everyone why they were here and why giving up was not an option.

Never!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe what do you think will happen? Can he hold onto his determination or can we not have nice things?
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, folks, there's a lot coming!

Donghyuck got through his speech.

And what a speech it had been.

It was like he had not had a break of 17 months, like everything was normal and he was strong, confident, gifted to do this, and determined to succeed. No, not like, he had been, for the entire time.

It had felt

So

Good.

He started to feel dizzy when he bowed for his applause, but he was too high on the success to notice how that might be a problem.

He had done it.

He had talked, he had felt like himself the entire time.

It was a rush and the applause felt like more of a reward than he could have wished for.

Taking his seat made him realise how many people had really come and he saw some turn heads and smile as if to say how good a job he had done.

He loved it.

A young woman from an insurance company took the stage next. She talked about policies she had been working on, to try and build up contracts for all Hybrids, covering all medical costs.

Donghyuck tried to listen because it was important to him. He had insurance because he had a Breeders’ Union passport, but most of his friends’ didn’t have one. It shouldn’t be the criterion of whether or not you could get one, it was unfair. His current one also didn’t cover much. All his asthma medication was billed right to the Lees. It had a lot of room for improvement.

Still, he started feeling so lightheaded, he found himself losing focus. He also felt sick, but not the anxiety-induced sickness, this was a different type.

His confidence still burnt hot, the nausea and lightheadedness, for once, were physical. He had to ignore them for now. He wanted to join the discussion as long as he still was himself because what if he’d lose the feeling again?

It was a scary thought and he tried to also ignore it.

No, no he was fine now, the anxiety wouldn’t return.

He didn’t have anxiety. He was strong!

When the woman was finished, Yerim returned to the stage and asked if there were more people wishing to speak or any questions?

Just as expected, the hand of the man in the suit with the first two buttons opened went up.

“Actually, I’ve been wanting to correct the first speaker but since you wouldn’t let me before…”

“The order is on the posters, we keep questions for last because we don’t want to take the chance to speak from anyone,” Yerim pointed out, looking as if she had explained the same thing ever since they had held an open forum for the first time.

“Right,” the guy turned from her to find Donghyuck in the rows of the audience. There were more than twenty people and, now that his speech was over, Donghyuck was excited there were.

“You know you only got admitted to that American college because it’s a trend now? What, should we just let everyone in there, without prior education, without graduating high school?” the stranger in his suit raised his eyebrows.

Donghyuck had gotten that so many times, he wasn’t sure the man realised how unoriginal this was.

“I didn’t talk about college, but thank you for keeping up with my activities. I talked about mandatory collars and euthanasia.”

“Yeah, but I wanted to still point it out since it’s so painfully obvious and no one else did.”

Donghyuck just was so tired of this.

As if there had been a school for him to go to.

As if he hadn’t written the SATs under Mark’s name and gotten the result under Mark’s name, only to then make a scene to have it accredited to himself, proving he had the knowledge needed.

As if any professor would bother giving him an extra-easy test when they already despised making them in the first place. Most of them were the most doubtful whether or not Donghyuck was suited for their classes.

He had been prepared to explain why an identification card wasn’t only just as, but even much better than the tag. Or explain why killing people was unethical. That it had to be explained, in the first place…

But that was the issue: those wanting to tear them down _always_ showed up to waste their time on such trivialities and they still tried to somehow make their cases for why leaving everything as it was would already be too generous and they should just return to how it had been five years ago.

It was a battle between two extremes, those who wished for perfect equality and those who wished for perfect subordinates.

The middle ground, the broad mass, wasn’t very interested anymore, it seemed.

It wasn’t that surprising.

With the recent verdict and the lack of outcry, Donghyuck had already known and if he had had the mind to be angry and sad, he would have been, but he hadn’t. He had been dealing with so much else, it had just been unfortunate news.

The original outrage in South Korea had died down, it all didn’t seem so serious anymore to the general public. It was easier to lie back and just ‘keep out’ because ‘they didn’t own a Hybrid, anyway’.

There were a few humans like Harvey, who’d help them.

There were far more humans like this suit-guy, who had a huge interest in stopping them.

Because if they’d have to follow more rules, it meant more financial consequences.

Breeders, shops, Hybrid doctors, they all made a lot of money.

Hybrid doctors had been changing, slowly. Donghyuck had reason to hope that change was sustainable and actually disconnected from their work because the medical sector was always a bit isolated and kept to the professionals due to the complexity of the topics.

Breeders and shops? Those were where they wanted and knew how to change things fundamentally.

The true change was very limited, though. They had found a new façade that worked without having to actually put in the work.

Most breeders would immediately go back to not letting their kittens leave the house until they were 14 and ready to be sold, they’d not mourn the loss of the school for a single second, they’d not be sad to no longer have to sit through a talk before killing one of their children because they weren’t ‘an economically reasonable investment’.

For all of them just as much as himself, Donghyuck was going to go down with this movement if he had to.

“Of course, you were the first person to think they knew better and saw fit to belittle me. No one else had that incredibly smart idea, to make themselves seem more important than they are. Everyone at Vassar blindly thinks I actually have to work and nobody accuses me of cheating,” Donghyuck spat back.

Jeno’s hand was suddenly on his shoulder and Donghyuck realised he hadn’t told anyone.

Fuck.

He felt so dizzy and sick, too.

“I think a bit more respect would fit you well, behaving like a stubborn child doesn’t make you any more credible.”

“I respect people who deserve it. Actually, I think I need to take a breath of fresh air,” Donghyuck swayed when he got to his legs.

Oh no, this couldn’t be good.

His ears rang and his vision became fuzzy and then went black.

Donghyuck didn’t know for how long he had been out of it when he heard voices and felt someone stroke his head.

His head hurt.

His body hurt.

What else was new?

“Donghyuck?” it was Jaehyun. Ah, good thing he had come here with a nurse, “Do you hear me?”

Donghyuck tried to focus on Jaehyun and he became clearer slowly.

“Ye-ah,” his voice shook.

“Does anything hurt?”

Yeah, everything, but that was just normal, at this point.

“Not in particular.”

“Okay. You might be low on sugar…”

“Right, I d-didn’t eat lunch or dinner.” Or breakfast, but he had had three spoons of rice.

Jaehyun’s eyes widened comically.

“You _what?_ ”

“I feel fine now,” Donghyuck tried to sit up, but his legs were still held up and he checked to see Guanheng being the reason for that.

“You definitely need sugar! And food, later,” Jaehyun ordered and Donghyuck opened his mouth to be fed a piece of candy. Jaehyun leaned closer, face serious and voice lowered, “Why did you not eat?”

Nerves.

“Jetlag.”

“Jetlag?” Jaehyun was easy to deceive but he raised his eyebrows now.

Donghyuck’s head was still too slow to work. He smiled.

“Well. You need to eat, silly. That’s not good for your body at all, as you just saw!”

“I will. Will we still do the discussion now?” Donghyuck asked, but regretted it just a second later when he realised he was suddenly all out of confidence and out of energy to be annoying and loud.

“Um, no. No, people also were asked to leave. We’ll just get you home, for now.” Jaehyun shook his head.

Relief washed over Donghyuck.

Immediately followed by guilt and the feeling of failure.

It must have shown on his face because Jeno kneeled down next to him.

“Don’t worry, you did super well and I’m feeling so much more motivated now! To keep going! Really, you were so amazing, exactly like last year!”

Donghyuck took a deep breath and slowly let it out through his nose.

He felt a smile on his face.

See? It would be fine. He could just will it all away and return to normal.

“It felt good.”

“Until you fainted,” Guanheng snorted loudly, “My poor heart, you just crumbled like someone had cut the strings on you. After I already thought you were dying a few nights ago, I didn’t need this in my life.”

“Sorry,” Donghyuck muttered. He didn’t want people to worry.

He had been fine, for two hours.

It had felt so good, to be himself.

He’d just have to keep this feeling for longer, somehow.

He was going to be fine. He had to be. He needed to be.

This anxiety was eating him up from inside, draining him. Even right now, the crash of the flame of hope having burnt down left him feeling miserable and exhausted.

What else but going home was there, right now, though?

It had happened, he’d have to accept it had and he was back to feeling terrible.

“You didn’t eat lunch or dinner?” Taeyong looked as shocked as Jaehyun had been, “You told me you had had something at the convenience store.”

Donghyuck swallowed.

He had said that.

“Well, not lunch, to be honest,” he muttered. He had bought a bottle of water there. He had not specified when Taeyong had asked.

Donghyuck shrunk into his chair a little more and obediently spooned more of the fried rice into his mouth.

It tasted good now. Well. It mixed with the disappointment and feeling of failure, but still. As good as it became.

“Are you going to get Mark from the airport tomorrow?” Taeil asked, smiling. His eyes weren’t smiling but observing Donghyuck.

He didn’t want them to know.

“Yeah. With Johnny-Hyung,” Donghyuck told his rice.

It was late enough for a good part of the people to have already been on their way to bed when they had arrived like a trainwreck. Donghyuck had been forced into being carried bridal style by Jeno.

Taeyong certainly had been, he was in a pastel pink and mint patterned t-shirt – or was it a dress? Who knew. The news of Donghyuck not having eaten had summoned him from the bathroom and he had whipped up a yummy midnight snack.

Donghyuck loved his cooking.

“We’ll definitely have breakfast before, right?” Johnny stroked his fingers over Donghyuck’s cheek. He hadn’t let go of him since they had returned.

Donghyuck nodded.

He wasn’t skipping meals on purpose especially when they were so yummy. He was just stressed and forgot to eat or couldn’t stomach anything. He knew he had lost a lot of weight but he wasn’t super skinny. It was all fine. He’d gain it back once he would be fully back to normal again.

Donghyuck slowly ate his rice.

First, Doyoung left to go to bed, then Ten also bid his goodbye. Taeyong hesitated but when Johnny said he’d do the dishes, he also disappeared.

Donghyuck wished Taeil and Jungwoo would go, too.

He knew they knew something.

Everyone knew something because he was such a terrible liar.

That they knew was different, though.

Taeil owned ten Hybrids, Jungwoo one, but that was just formalities. In reality, they both were guardians to eleven Hybrids, plus Johnny.

Some of them had been with them since little, how Donghyuck had been with his family or even longer. Doyoung had only been ten when Taeil had adopted him.

No one said it, not how Donghyuck referred to their parents as ‘theirs’ even though he had only really started to do that years into having been part of the family. It wasn’t the same for everyone, anyway. Especially those, who had come to live here when they had already been older.

Still, everyone knew who to turn to if they were scared, worried, insecure, needed advice, a hug, a plaster, or just someone to tell them they were loved.

Taeil and Jungwoo were ‘the Hyungs’, but, for most of the Hybrids here, it was just a stand-in for ‘dad’.

Found families had different rules, they weren’t like blood-related ones.

But all families needed parents.

Parents knew when things were wrong. Theirs also was good at that. They wouldn’t be here before July, though, when their mum had her summer holiday.

So, now, it was Taeil and Jungwoo on the table in their stead, Johnny still next to him, watching him eat.

“Donghyuck, I know you must be really tired now, so we don’t want to keep you from bed,” Jungwoo began when Donghyuck finished his rice and scrapped the last grains from the plate. He had a nice voice. High like Ten’s, but more gentle and soft. The type to make you calm down when you were sobbing, “But we’re very worried over how you’ve been behaving since you came back.”

“I’m perfectly fine, you don’t need to worry,” Donghyuck couldn’t even look up. Jungwoo was going to read him.

He probably still did.

But there were so many worse cases. He didn’t need their worry, he didn’t have room for this.

“We’d like to have a talk, ask a few questions, to see if we’re really being unreasonable. Or, well, it could be one of us if you prefer that,” Taeil chimed in.

Donghyuck felt Johnny snake an arm around him.

Why?

Why was he just… so weak?

Donghyuck felt bitter tears. He had been able to be himself, earlier. After Renjun had kissed him.

But now, it was all back and felt worse than before even.

Renjun had petted his ears how he liked it best while Jaehyun had hailed the taxi, Guanheng had packed up, and Jeno, Harvey, and Yerim had pushed all the tables and chairs back in a hurry. Donghyuck could still feel his fingers on the sensitive parts if he tried enough.

Love could right all wrongs, but if everything was wrong?

If the love needed to be fought for?

Donghyuck just didn’t know.

“Okay,” he didn’t want them to worry, worse, he didn’t want them to crack him, yet he also didn’t know what else to do.

He couldn’t put up a façade of being okay. He didn’t know how. He knew some people who could. Yuta did. He could put on a smile and it was hard to tell if it was real or not. Their mum did. She could be perfectly friendly and warm to people she hated.

“Of course, we can do that tomorrow. Once you’re back from the airport.” Taeil added.

Mark, in one of his less bright moments, of which he had hilariously many, had accidentally booked the guest house from Monday on, so he’d crash here for a night.

Donghyuck nodded. More time to figure out what to say to not say it.

To not tell them and make them realise how terrible everything was when it shouldn’t be.

Because… he had no room to complain. None. He was so lucky, he could never forget that.

And he didn’t want to lose what he had.

He had a plan for life, a goal of what he wanted to achieve.

Giving up was not what he did.

Never.

Donghyuck tried to slip into Guanheng’s room and bed, assuming the other to already be asleep. However, a big lump moved under the blankets and he screeched, nearly leaping out of his skin.

“It’s us!” Jaemin beamed, hair messy and completely in pyjama and all.

“We thought we could sleep together,” Jeno sat up next to him, smiling a soft and sleepy smile.

“They invited themselves!” Guanheng whined, but he was comfortably rested between the two and didn’t even bother sitting up.

Typical.

Donghyuck felt tears collect in his eyes and he tried to blink them away.

He launched himself off the ground. Guanheng’s bed was way too small for four people, but he still landed on Jeno and rolled over, lying right on top of Guanheng.

Guanheng cursed in Cantonese, which no one understood, but all knew was swearing.

Donghyuck was still welcome here.

Donghyuck still had his friends.

He could cuddle them and it was safe and he could go back to being normal, right? He was sure he could if he just tried hard enough.

He was scared to lose this. Lose them.

Lose everything.

He could not tell anyone and get it taken away.

“I already feel right at home here!” Johnny was in a bright mood as they exited the Metro towards the arrivals area, early the next morning.

His hand was securely holding Donghyuck’s.

Donghyuck wasn’t stupid. Ever since last night, there constantly had been someone around. Breakfast, bathroom, everywhere.

He hadn’t showered because of that. He couldn’t, it was too scary.

He had a suspicion why they did it.

Worry.

He wished they didn’t. He was fine. It was nothing compared to what many of them had been through.

It was called the buddy system and had been enforced on several others before. Kun, Yuta, Xiaojun. In each case for serious reasons, life-threatening even.

It felt disrespectful to have them do the same for him.

He shouldn’t be so weak.

“Maybe it’s not too late to become a professional welcome-back-er,” Donghyuck commented.

The airport made him more anxious. It reminded him of having to fly back.

He tried to swallow and ignore it. He needed to try harder if he wanted to return to normal, he wasn’t doing enough when he knew he should.

“Only special people get welcome-backs,” Johnny smiled and Donghyuck found himself smiling back and squeeze his hand.

If only there would never be a reason to be welcomed back again.

Johnny pulled his phone out. The screen was cracked in three places. Johnny was a bit on the clumsy side when it came to this. Donghyuck knew it stressed Ten and their only real fight ever had come from Johnny and the mistreatment of his phone.

To Ten, valuable things had more value than they did to Donghyuck. A lot more.

Ten had a hard past, he had experienced a lot of pain and suffering. Donghuck didn’t know the full extent and it wasn’t his place, but he knew enough to never even consider he had it anywhere near as hard.

All of them had a harder past than he did. It all came back to him not trying hard enough to be stronger.

“We still have 10 minutes until he lands and then some until he’s actually here. Want something to drink? I want coffee,” Johnny looked at him attentively.

He probably feared Donghyuck didn’t want anything. That was wrong, again, he was just stressed and thus couldn’t eat.

Right now, he wasn’t too stressed.

Okay, he was because Jungwoo and Taeil wanted to talk to him and he didn’t know what to say and he also was worried Mark would worry and everyone else and Johnny still had this protective expression and behaviour and it was all a mess and all his fault.

“Bubble tea?”

“Sure.”

As mentioned before, Donghyuck had been here, in the arrival area, often. Staring at the glass sliding doors while sipping his drink slowly and using Johnny as his personal head-rest was familiar.

It was normal to wait for their parents.

The reason why they had even split up was that Mark had not wanted to change schools anymore. That had been in 2015 and felt extremely long ago by now. Their mum worked for an international consulting firm, very high up. Donghyuck wasn’t super familiar with IFRS and the other stuff, but that was what she did. To spread her knowledge and expertise internationally, but also represent the company as the outstanding and superior place it surely was, she was required to move around from location to location about every year.

When they had moved away and left Mark, Johnny, and him behind, Donghyuck had been the only one who hadn’t cried. The decision had felt rational, reasonable, even though it had still been hard. Donghyuck could have cried, but he had decided to not because he hadn’t wanted to make it harder for the other two.

Mark, allegedly, only had had something in his eyes, but he had only said so much later.

He should be used to the family living spread across the world, but he wasn’t. Not when he was alone and not with Mark and Johnny.

But it was going to be all normal and all okay for the summer.

He’d make the best of the time. It was a lot of time, too.

It’d be fine.

The airport was busy. Many flights seemed to land in the morning. Business people in suits and dresses hurried from the doors, finding drivers from companies, who were here to pick them up.

Donghyuck had reached the bottom of his drink. That was disappointing.

Johnny was watching the exit with eagle eyes, so, he pulled his phone out. Mark’s plane had only just been switched to ‘landed’ on the board. It’d be at least another 20 minutes, probably.

_[from: Renjun]_

_Good morning_

_Oh! You un-blocked me!_

_Do you feel better? Did you eat?_

_[to: Renjun]_

_Do you often text people who have blocked your number??_

_I do and I did, thanks ^^v_

_[from: Renjun]_

_No. Good. Just making sure. Have a good day._

_[to: Renjun]_

_Thank thou, good sir, I wish the same pleasant Sunday to thou and thy kin ~_

Donghyuck felt a smile tug on his lips as Renjun sent a gif of a cursing duck back.

He had had him blocked since spring 2018, that was true.

He had had to, so he couldn’t be tempted to quickly break their decision.

He had been tempted many times, but he had never managed to tap the ‘unblock’ button. It had reminded him of what they had both agreed upon.

He wondered if Renjun had texted him, though, since he had been surprised to see his message go through?

Donghyuck pushed the thought aside.

Maybe it would have been better to not un-block him. He felt butterflies in his tummy, but he also felt anxiousness in his chest. It clashed and worked together in odd ways, that probably weren’t healthy.

He shouldn’t drag Renjun into this.

Donghyuck sipped the melted ice cubes’ water.

He couldn’t put even more weight onto himself. Doing everything at the same time was what had gotten him to this point of breaking under the pressure despite not wanting to. Well, he wasn’t breaking. Because of this break, he was completely fine, but if he hadn’t had it… he might have. But he hadn’t. He was going to be fine.

Yet, he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stay away from Renjun, not when Renjun was right here, not when he had told his grandparents, not when he kissed him like 17 months had never passed.

Like he was still just as much in love as Donghyuck was.

Johnny gasped and Donghyuck looked up from his empty cup to the door, through which Mark was currently stumbling.

“Oh dear god, what happened to his hair?” was the only thing Donghyuck could say because greeting him was an entire mess of… green? Was that green? It might be.

Mark’s eyes barely opened, his varsity jacket was completely crumpled and crooked, one arm through the sleeve, the other sleeve over his shoulder and he seemed to support himself on his luggage like he was 100 years old and needed a walking frame.

“Markie!” Johnny hollered and waved. Mark startled to reality, dropping his rucksack and proceeded to fall over it, landing on the walkway. Some people made sympathetic noises at his misery.

Oh boy.

Donghyuck was dragged along as Johnny dashed over.

“Hi!” Mark groaned, a smile on his face when he looked up.

“I’m so sorry, are you hurt?” Johnny sounded panicked. He liked to panic over Mark the most. Donghyuck remembered him worrying Mark might get abducted by the kidnappers using watermelon to lure him away.

It might have actually worked, to be fully honest.

“Nah, all good, just tired,” Mark scrambled to stand back up and dusted himself off.

“Welcome home,” Donghyuck greeted, but the words were stiff on his tongue.

Welcome home, but only for a while.

Welcome home where I can’t live right now, but want to.

“Thanks. Damn, I missed you!” Mark opened his arms and Johnny immediately engulfed him.

Donghyuck felt fear in his stomach.

No.

No, why?

This was _Mark_!

He was practically his brother!

 _Why_ was he so scared? It was somehow understandable with Harvey, annoying with Renjun, but even Mark?

Why?

He squashed the feeling, trampled it, and immediately went for a hug when Mark was released from Johnny.

Mark rubbed his back and then pulled back, brows furrowed.

“You lost more weight,” his words were soft, but Johnny’s ears were as good as Donghyuck’s. He immediately felt him take his hand, squeezing tightly.

“I was stressed from finals, I just forgot to eat. I’ll gain it back, Taeyong’s cooking is too good to diet,” Donghyuck smiled and squeezed Johnny’s hand back.

“Okay. Good. Actually, speaking of food, I slept through breakfast on the plane, but not a second before that. Damn jetlag! I’m starving!”

“Well, that can certainly be fixed,” Johnny sounded euphoric and Donghyuck grabbed Mark’s suitcase, so it wouldn’t accidentally be left behind and cause them to be suspected as terrorists. That’d be highly inconvenient.

They got Mark fed, Johnny another coffee, which he really didn’t need but okay, and Donghyuck decided to have some of the watermelon from the box Mark had gotten himself, just to show them he was eating. They strolled through the airport at snail speed, so they’d be finished before entering the Metro.

Even for humans, eating on the train was impolite.

“What happened with your hair? Did you fall into one of the experiments you do?” Donghyuck asked. He had inspected the mess closer and it definitely looked green. Splotchy green on poorly bleached blond, to be precise.

Mark self-consciously ran a hand through the damaged strands. They stuck up exactly how he had left them, the hair fried past return.

“Ah, well, it was a bet?”

“A bet?” Johnny looked like he tried not to judge but couldn’t. Donghyuck, despite feeling uncomfortably anxious, was judging. It was fun to judge and it was also normal. He fled himself into the feeling.

“Well, I was at a frat party and it happened during truth or dare and… it’s a long story. Anyway, I got three girls’ kisses for it, so who’s the real winner here?” Mark puffed his chest and Donghyuck exchanged a glance with Johnny.

It would be his job to make fun of Mark.

Truly, he had this cut out for him. Who _did_ shit like that?

“I hope they all knew what they were doing when kissing your salad head,” Donghyuck tried to be nonchalant, but it sounded like there had been alcohol involved.

He hated to think that Mark might have been involved in anything, but…

No, don’t think about it! Forget it! Ignore it!

“It’s not like we did this at the party.”

“No? Looks like you did.”

Mark groaned and popped the last piece of melon into his mouth, “Yeah, I know. I swear we did it the day after, but I actually feel inclined to pretend we were drunk to excuse it. I didn’t have time to get it fixed and I also don’t know how. I don’t want to tell mom. Jungwoo-Hyung said he has no expertise on these dyes. Yukhei-Hyung said he always gets it done professionally, but his salon charges 100,000 won for just a cut, so I’m kind of scared my credit card will be declined and I'd have to tell mom, after all."

Donghyuck couldn’t help giggle a bit over Mark’s misery. He had really brought that upon himself!

“Maybe don’t decide over hair colour drunk in the future?” Johnny suggested.

“Yeah. Maybe,” Mark nodded and flattened his hair. With his overall disgruntled look, it didn’t even look that terrible, relatively speaking. As in, it didn’t stick out that much because there was so much else going on.

Messy or not, Donghyuck was glad he was here.

He had missed him just as much and the small voice of fear was silent, just how it was for Renjun. It had just been a second of his idiotic head being dumb.

He was back to normal now. Almost. He was still waiting for the tightness in his chest to release, just how it had done yesterday.

“Erm, Hyuck, why are you wearing long sleeves?”

“I got sunburnt,” Donghyuck whined. It actually wasn’t why. He had felt so cold today, he had opted for this when his skin had already recovered.

“What? You’ve never before!”

Right.

“I know and the real scam is that I didn’t even get a tan out of it, how the internet claimed. Imagine, people on the internet lied to me. The audacity!”

Johnny and Mark burst into laughter and Donghyuck could smile along. He had made them laugh and it felt really good.

“I got worried you had turned into a vampire and thus were so pale and now avoiding the sun,” Mark grinned. They had arrived at the gate to the Metro, that would take them back to Gangnam.

“Don’t be worried. There’s no reason. I’m all fine and perfectly normal, neither sparkling nor turning to dust,” Donghyuck let his card beep on the reader.

“That’s what people say when they definitely were bitten and turned into vampires. Or before they have a mental breakdown, don’t they?” Mark laughed, not realising how close to home he was hitting. He shouldn’t know, it was good he was joking.

“Rude.”

“Actually, um,” Johnny nudged his waist.

Donghyuck ignored his prompt.

If he ignored it, it was going to leave. He didn’t need to tell Mark anything and Johnny didn’t need to remind him he had anything to tell.

“Actually what?” Mark echoed and Donghyuck stared at the screen that showed the time until the next train would arrive.

“Hyuckie, aren’t you going to tell him?” Johnny softly asked, too soft for Mark to understand in the loud train station.

“What? Why? There’s nothing to tell?” Donghyuck shrugged.

He couldn’t let them know.

He didn’t want Mark to worry, too.

Well.

Worry more.

He evaded both Johnny’s and Mark’s eyes. The next train was going to arrive in two minutes.

“I think he should know that you fainted yesterday. We don’t keep things from each other, do we?” Johnny was gentle, but it was clear he thought this was important.

If Donghyuck considered it, he saw why. It was sort of worrisome. If Mark or Johnny had fainted, he’d have wanted to know.

But it was just him.

And he didn’t want to explain why and how…

He didn’t want to talk to Taeil or Jungwoo…

He just wanted things to be normal. As always.

He didn’t want to lose anything or anyone.

As Mark looked more and more impatient, he wondered if his lying wasn’t going to push them away just as, if not more, effectively.

_But he couldn’t say it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	8. Chapter 8

“Can you tell him?” Donghyuck nibbled on his lower lip and glanced up at Johnny. He didn’t know where to start and how to explain himself, especially not without accidentally giving away much too much.

“Yeah, sure. If it’s okay with you.”

Johnny sounded so understanding and sweet. Because he only knew a fraction of the truth, as he should.

Donghyuck nodded slowly. He felt awful.

“ _So, actually, you’re not the only one a little worried about Hyuckie_ ,” Johnny switched to a language fewer people would understand if they ended up overhearing and Donghyuck was so grateful, but also so scared.

He hadn't even told anything yet, but he was already like this. What was wrong with him?

Everything, it seemed…

_“Since he forgot to eat yesterday, he ended up fainting at the open forum during the discussion at the end. Taeil and Jungwoo asked if they could speak to him today. Because they’re worried, too. I’m worried just as much, just in case that wasn’t obvious. Very much.”_

_“Don’t,”_ he tried to chip in. He didn’t want Johnny to worry. There were people more deserving of it. Even Johnny himself was. He had been through a lot before ending up with the Lees, not like Donghyuck who came from a nice shop.

His worrying about Donghyuck was undeserved.

 _“Hyuckie, I can’t not worry unless I can know for sure,”_ Donghyuck knew nothing was proving his point.

Mark knew that, too, from how his face had fallen.

His point was a lie and it was painfully obvious.

The train pulling into the station was loud enough to not let awkward silence arise between them. Mark pushed his suitcase through the door as the first person and Donghyuck wished he could wait without making it weird. Johnny didn’t wait, he immediately followed Mark before any other humans got to enter. Donghyuck hesitated for a second too long and people passed him, filing into the train.

He only followed when everyone else had gotten on board. Mark’s eyes were still wide and his messy look made him come off as a bit crazed.

“You fainted?”

Donghyuck didn’t want people to know even if Mark was speaking softly, so he switched the language back.

_“I really forgot. I had to prepare for my speech. Because I spoke. I’m just a bit rusty, which is why it happened. I’m not completely over jetlag either.”_

Mark nodded slowly, looking to Johnny for confirmation.

_“But if Taeil wants to talk to you, there has to be more, right?”_

Donghyuck shrugged, tried to not give him any pointers.

He wasn’t even sure how much Taeil knew.

The less, the better.

_“Okay. Well, I get being stressed by college. Because I am. I really need a break, but that’s why we’re here, right?”_

Donghyuck wanted to disagree. He didn’t want this to be a holiday. This was home!

But Mark was right.

It was just temporary and it wasn’t home right now.

“Donghyuck, you lost nine kilograms. A BMI of under 20 for men your age is considered underweight. Yours is below 19 right now and there’s no reason in your medical history that might make this normal,” Jungwoo’s eyes were too knowing. Donghyuck knew he had lost weight. He hadn’t had a scale, so he hadn’t known how much.

Why had he said he’d prefer for Jungwoo to talk to him? He had known Taeil for so much longer and he usually saw Taeil for any issues. 

Maybe because he already felt like Jungwoo knew too much? The less Taeil knew, the better?

Donghyuck felt tears sting in his eyes.

“I swear, I didn’t lose it on purpose!”

“Okay. I believe you. I didn’t mean to presume that, but it was on my mind, of course. On purpose or not, it’s worryingly low. It’d be very good for your body if you tried to gain it back, slowly. And keep it on, of course.”

Donghyuck nodded, “I wanted to once I had everything else figured out, I swear!”

“I see. Everything else? What would that be?”

Donghyuck closed his eyes.

Mis-spoken, again.

Why was he such a terrible liar?

“S-stress. From college. And lack of cuddling. And missing everyone,” Donghyuck wanted to stop. He hadn’t meant to say it. But he couldn’t, the words kept flowing, “Also the food, I missed the food, and I don’t even have a kitchen, so it was hard. I’ll just have to get back to normal and it will be okay.”

Saying it out loud at least made it feel more real. He’d just work harder and all the issues would resolve themselves. He could believe it and it was a relief.

“Let’s go through that together, okay? The food here is okay?” Jungwoo had not once sounded accusatory, but his voice became even softer, even more understanding.

Donghyuck wished he didn’t waste his time on him. He was fine!

“Yes! The best!”

“And everyone is here, including Mark. Your parents will come next month, so there’s no one to miss, right?”

Donghyuck nodded. He didn’t add how it felt like he was alone in a room full of people if he wasn’t directly touching them. It was just his head being weird.

“How about your friends in college? Is there anyone who’d understand you just need platonic skinship?” Now, Jungwoo was suddenly touching a sore point and Donghyuck struggled to pull the breaks and go back to his story.

Was there even a story? It seemed like there was a huge hole, that Jungwoo had made him trip over.

“Maybe there’s a way to explain it to someone trustworthy?” Jungwoo suggested when Donghyuck didn’t reply.

Sure, it was possible, maybe.

If there were any trustworthy people or any friends to speak of.

“Not so much,” Donghyuck didn’t know what else to say. The others thought he had made friends.

He had, at first.

Jungwoo nodded, “I understand how that’s a problem. People always associate touch with something sexual even if it’s absolutely not.”

Donghyuck nodded.

Something sexual.

Yes, they did.

Very much.

Everything Donghyuck did was associated with something sexual.

His entire being was.

He felt sick.

“You do have friends in the US, don’t you?”

How did Jungwoo know what to ask?

How and why?

He wanted to say he had, of course. Tons of them.

But he couldn’t. His voice just wouldn’t come out and his brain didn’t fabricate the lies quickly enough for him to tell them.

Donghyuck hid his face behind his arms.

“Oh, Donghyuck,” Jungwoo’s voice was so full of pain for him, Donghyuck felt more guilt weight him down. There were more important things to worry about, “You must have been so lonely, all year?”

“It’s fine, it’s just for four years. Three, now.”

Yes, he had been lonely.

Worse, he had been alone.

There had been no one backing him.

No one to turn to, to do anything when it had started happening.

No one cared.

But if anyone found out…

Donghyuck didn’t know what to do.

“Four years is not that short, Donghyuck. You’ve said it yourself many times that you thrive off social interaction. You just listed it as a reason for why you lost so much weight and feel so stressed,” Jungwoo softly pointed out.

“But the degree is more important,” Donghyuck whispered back.

Because it was.

His plan in life wasn’t just four, now three, years. It was short in the bigger picture. A small sacrifice.

“I can’t give up!”

The silence was heavy and Donghyuck didn’t even know what answer he was hoping for.

“The things you’re trying to achieve are so beyond impressive, to me, maybe me thinking that looking so miserable can’t be worth it is ignorant. But I still think that because I’m not the one in your situation.”

“It is more important!” Donghyuck was sure of that. Everything else felt like an entire mess, but he did know this one thing.

“Okay. I understand how incredibly important your education is to you and I completely respect that. Still, if you push yourself through three more years of this, there’s a chance that there’s just nothing left of you by the end of it.”

Donghyuck’s head snapped up.

What?

No!

No! He was going to get through this, he just had to! He already…

Felt like…

There wasn’t much of himself…

Left.

“No! I can do it!”

Jungwoo’s face was earnest.

“I can do it! I have everything going for myself, I can’t give up, I can’t be weak, Hyung, you’re wrong!”

He couldn’t be ungrateful. He had so many people he was fighting in the name of. He was so blessed with his situation.

“I can’t throw this away, Hyung, you don’t understand!”

“Donghyuck, I’m not telling you to throw anything away and, no, I don’t understand, but I’m trying to. I’m just pointing out that I worry this will have a bad ending if you just push on and ignore your own wellbeing, physical and emotional.”

“But I’m fine. It’s all fine.”

Donghyuck couldn’t let him find out more.

Jungwoo would tell Mark or their mother… no. No!

Donghyuck couldn’t lose this. He couldn’t fail!

So, he hopped off the patient bed and straightened his shirt.

“I’ll gain all my weight back for sure and then it’ll be perfectly fine,” He repeated.

“That’s not how this works,” Jungwoo pointed out, but Donghyuck marched to the door.

Yes, it was.

He was just not trying hard enough.

Donghyuck knew it was rude.

He knew he had broken his word, but he couldn’t hold it.

He closed the door behind himself, hearing Jungwoo sigh deeply.

He felt guilty, but it weighted far lighter than the guilt from failure and letting everyone down.

Letting Jungwoo down weighted far lighter than knowing he was not seen as a person in the eyes of most people, as well as the law.

As long as that was still more important, he could not give up and he could not risk it, so he couldn’t let anyone know.

He easily took the stairs in the back and typed the pin into the door to the living area, that beeped in confirmation. No one had given it to him, but Donghyuck wasn’t stupid. Finding out pins was the easiest task to him. Right now, the pin was 08199908 – because it was going to be Xiaojun’s birthday next and the mixture of day, year, and month was easy to guess.

He pulled his shoes off and grabbed his phone from where he had left it earlier.

_[to: Renjun]_

_How did your exam go? ^^_

_[from: Renjun]_

_I’m not sure. I hope good…_

_[to: Renjun]_

_I bet you’re freaking out over nothing and it’s an A ~~~_

_[from: Renjun]_

_I couldn’t do anything with an A, seeing how it’s being graded out of 100% :P_

_[to: Renjun]_

_Shut up_

_[from: Renjun]_

_Are you free later?_

_[to: Renjun]_

_Yeah, I’m on holiday ^.~_

_[from: Renjun]_

_Cheongdam park at 7?_

_[to: Renjun]_

_Don’t you need to study?_

_[from: Renjun]_

_It’s okay if you don’t want to_

_[to: Renjun]_

_No, I want to, I was worried about **your** scholarship, is all_

_[from: Renjun]_

_How kind of you._

_See you then_

_:)_

This might be a bad idea.

But his heart was thundering and his stomach fluttering and Donghyuck couldn’t find it in himself to be reasonable.

He spotted unfamiliar shoes as he was about to go and find something to wear for later. Those meant he suddenly had something more urgent to do first. There were two people who permanently had Jordan shoes on like those were the holy grail on the market.

Well, three because peer pressure and poorly concealed admiration for his Hyungs.

So, Donghyuck followed the yelling down the hallway, to where Jaehyun and Jeno’s room was.

He tried to not think of how he had just left Jungwoo in the treatment room, blocking off the conversation like a child.

There was no other way. He had had to do that.

And this was more important right now. It was outrageous this was the first time they met since he had come back! It had already been a week!

A week of no true improvement. Well, no, he had held a speech, yesterday. That was an improvement!

No, it’d be fine, it was all going so well right now.

Knocking was pointless and Donghyuck invited himself inside when he only got someone accusing someone else of cheating back.

The picture, that presented itself, was hilarious.

Around the small TV, partly on the bed, partly on the ground, some standing, some sitting, both on the bed and the ground, was a gaming-party made up of Jeno, Jaemin, Yangyang, and Chenle. Clinging to Chenle’s arm, and trying to interfere with his strategy, was Jisung.

All that while Xiaojun remained completely unbothered by the mess around himself and was brushing his tail.

“Hello!” Donghyuck yelled over the rest and the sound of the Mario game.

He went ignored. 

With a sigh, he dropped himself next to Xiaojun.

“Barbarians.”

“As if you’re not the loudest of them once you get a controller,” Xiaojun looked up with a grin.

Donghyuck shrugged. Here, he could be loud if he wanted to be. It was safe to be himself. Or… his old-self.

He felt no desire to play anything and get into fights with anyone. Especially after Jungwoo’s words.

_You do have friends in the US, don’t you?_

He needed all the positivity from his friends here.

The race ended with Jaemin in first place, Yangyang a close second.

“Only because you shot me off right before it!” Jeno’s eyes were wide and his tone accusatory as he pointed at Yangyang, who smirked.

“All is fair in love and war.”

“And if you hadn’t interrupted me, I would have won!” Chenle knocked his controller over Jisung’s head.

Wait, it was Chenle moving his mouth, but the voice was a lot deeper than what Donghyuck’s head had connected to him.

Yangyang had no younger handicap to beat up and also no painful loss right before the goal to overcome and had instead crawled over the bed.

“Donghyuck, you here?”

Yes, he was here.

Donghyuck had gotten off the ground and grabbed Yangyang’s ear before his own got caught.

It was a small, silly joke, but Donghyuck felt relief that Yangyang had tried to do the exact same thing.

Nothing had changed. It was perfect.

“Okay, you win,” Yangyang squeaked and Donghyuck immediately let go and wrapped him into a tight hug, “Good to see you, I see you’ve missed me the appropriate amount!” It had not been the appropriate amount.

“I immediately knew when I saw the Jordans.”

“We’re loyal supporters,” Yangyang sighed as if throwing his Hyung’ money into the gaping mouth of capitalism was a personal sacrifice he made.

“Yukhei-Hyung had to buy an extra closet for them because we ran out of space,” Chenle giggled and Donghyuck let go of Yangyang.

“You sound like spoilt brats if you say that. Oh my god, Jisung, did you grow again?” the formerly pocket-sized puppy looked gigantic when he stood in front of him and Donghyuck had to tip his head back a little.

Jisung’s smile was triumphant.

“Not much, but I can’t help it all of you are so tiny. I told you I was going to grow tall and handsome.”

“Where’s the handsome?” Yangyang hollered.

“I was wondering the same thing,” Jeno seemed to have overcome his fourth place and added to help raise the noise level.

“Don’t bully my puppy! Don’t listen to the mean people, Jisungie, I love you!” Jaemin wailed and threw himself towards his ‘puppy’ to console both himself and said ‘puppy’.

It was a mess.

“Well, we all know it’s not about height but about charm, anyway,” Chenle announced and Donghyuck found his brain slowly re-connecting voice and person.

This was the only type of change Donghyuck could accept and happily at that!

“I always thought it was about dick size?” someone chipped in and bellowing laughter started with the immature-fraction.

Donghyuck sunk down. Right, this was fun, wasn’t it? He should be laughing, but he felt sick instead.

He was so tired of all of this. Just seconds ago, he had felt better, almost normal, and now he was right back to terrible. As the laughter ebbed off, the controllers were shuffled and the next course chosen, but the bed was full and Donghyuck didn’t feel like playing anyway.

Chenle had sat down next to Xiaojun and Donghyuck decided to stay here as well.

But between Chenle and Xiaojun, he felt like not only like a fifth wheel, but like a seventh… or 100th.

When they changed again, Donghyuck switched to sit with Jaemin, from where his friend yelled tips to the others while he was forced to give up his controller for one round.

At least Jaemin could yell and pet him at the same time.

Donghyuck felt this weird emptiness again.

He tried to ignore it.

It was like a hurricane, a tsunami, and an earthquake in his head all at once, and Donghyuck tried to sip his cocktail on a beach lounger in between all that.

There were moments of feeling like himself, during which it seemed like he had overcome it all.

There were moments of silence, like when Renjun was there or when he cuddled Johnny.

It wasn’t unsavable.

But it was all just a momentary relief right now. Only breathers, that he needed to not collapse completely.

Jungwoo’s words echoed in his head.

Could he do this for three more years?

Yes!

He had to!

Somehow!

But it wasn’t like not having friends was all. The nightmares… the fear… the humiliation… them…

No. Stop!

Don’t think about it.

During lunch, Donghyuck didn’t look up from his food.

He felt Jungwoo and Taeil’s eyes on him.

Luckily, the topic was on Mark and his failed hair-dye. Enough to supply talk for hours. No one knew for sure how to save it, other than leaving it to a professional or putting on jet black and hope for the best.

The table was bursting. Schools and offices were closed on Sundays, after all.

It should be fine.

But, of course, it wasn’t.

Donghyuck wasn’t even surprised anymore, actually, he wasn’t even sure if this wasn’t normal?

He could just make it the new normal, right?

That seemed like a solution. The worst solution ever, but a solution nevertheless.

At least no one stopped him and asked for him to finish his talk, how a mature adult should.

He could just leave and pretend things were normal.

As he had for the last week.

Perfect!

This was going so well for him, now he had an additional source of anxiety and guilt. He had really needed that.

The alternative course of action was coming clean, telling them everything and… no.

No!

No one was going to understand and he was going to lose everything.

So, he just replied to Harvey’s texts and let him know his e-mail address, so he could send his essay. He found a nice t-shirt to wear and put on SPF 50+ sunscreen. He stared at his plate during dinner, once more, and left with the promise to be back by ten.

Cheongdam park was beautiful at all times of the year, but during those when the trees wore leaves, it was even nicer.

Donghyuck and Renjun had met up here many times.

At first, the trees still had had colourful foliage.

Then, the leaves had fallen and the city had hung up Christmas lights.

Finally, frost had pulled a layer of white over the bare branches and let the lake freeze over until children were playing on it, scooting around and laughing.

Before it had come back to life, Donghyuck had left.

Now, it was in full blossom, a rich green on the trees and the planes of grass, colourful flowers on the sides of the walk, but Donghyuck didn’t have any mind to pay them the attention they deserved.

His eyes were only on one, and that was the guy in the light blue shirt, waiting.

For a second, his chest relaxed and his heart danced in it, the smile on his face lighthearted and full of genuine joy. Just seeing Renjun, knowing he was here for him, was enough to right what was wrong for a moment.

“Hey,” Donghyuck knew this was dumb at the same time that he did it.

Why was he here?

He had just pointed out that his life was going down the drain as he was speaking, yet, he wasn’t following what would be reasonable.

At all.

“Hi. I was worried you might not show up, in the end,” Renjun’s smile was small, a bit insecure.

Donghyuck swallowed thickly.

It would have been better to not.

“How cruel do you think I am?” he muttered instead.

“No, not like that just because… you said you couldn’t and I thought okay, but then I thought that I was being a whole moron for repeating my own mistake, and then you asked if I’d kiss you.”

Yeah, it reflected Donghyuck’s internal apocalypse quite well.

“And then you fainted.” Renjun huffed and nudged his waist as they started to walk down the path deeper into the park. There were still quite a lot of people around, enjoying the less scorching evening.

Right.

Donghyuck didn’t know what to say in his defence.

There was nothing. He had no plan, no lie, no explanation.

The only reason why he was here, was Renjun and his own feelings for him.

For his first true love.

“You ate today, right?” Renjun asked. The silence between them hadn’t been heavy despite Donghyuck evading an answer.

Silence had not been an issue before. Some things they didn’t need to talk about. They didn’t have to always talk. Enjoying each other’s company was valuable, too. They hadn’t only been boyfriends, but they had been close friends before that. Allies for the same cause.

That, combined with the spark of love, made a mixture incomparable, wonderful, perfect, something Donghyuck secretly missed as much as cuddling and hugs and support and safety.

But it was the one thing he had decided to end and leave, so, he had no right wanting it back after having been the one to give it up.

“Like a pig. Don’t worry about me,” Donghyuck whispered. He didn’t know how many times he had said it today, but he meant it.

He didn’t want them to worry about him.

Everyone else, but not him. He didn’t deserve it.

“Okay. Good. How’s Mark? Jeno texted me and said he looks like a cabbage now?”

Donghyuck snorted.

“A patchy cabbage. He said he did it for a drunk dare. Or something.”

Renjun chuckled, “I need to see that. I wished my exams were already over. Seriously, who writes exams on a Sunday? That’s just offensive.”

“They did the same for me. Sunday at 8 am. I was this close to suing them for animal abuse,” Donghyuck could speak of college, with Renjun. Renjun was… special.

Renjun was different.

“At least it’ll be over quickly. One week of hell on earth and I’m free.”

Donghyuck wished it was only one more week of hell on earth for him, too.

Well, not like Renjun would be handed his Bachelor’s degree tomorrow.

But still.

At least he was here. At home.

“Are you moving from the shoebox for the break?” Donghyuck felt their arms touching and goosebumps spread over his skin, but he didn’t move away and neither did Renjun, instead, he let their hands brush against each other as well.

“No, the contract is non-stop, so I’d be paying anyway. Here, I’m close to the Union stuff and to Cheongdam. Close to you,” Renjun softly added and Donghyuck felt him hook his little finger around his. He tightened the grip.

“Is it very bad? With your grandparents?” Donghyuck wasn’t sure if Renjun wanted to talk about it. Chances were, he didn’t.

But he’d tell him if he didn’t and Donghyuck had shown that he cared because he did. Very, very much.

Renjun sighed softly.

“Not… very…” he looked for words and Donghyuck just waited.

Renjun was reluctant to talk about his family. He always had been, for good reason.

Things weren’t easy for him, not at all.

Not how they were for Donghyuck.

“The old argument came back up. That my father must be to blame,” Renjun’s voice was trembling. Donghyuck glanced around, but their path was abandoned, so, he let his other fingers interlace with Renjun’s, too.

“Urgh, sorry. I should be over this,” Renjun tipped his head back and tried to blink his tears away. Donghyuck wished he didn’t have to cry. He always felt like crying, too, when Renjun did.

Of course, Donghyuck also felt for others, but Renjun was different.

“It’s okay. I understand,” he whispered and Renjun nodded.

“Thank you. It’s not like it was unexpected. Not at all. We knew they’d be like this.”

They had. It was one of the reasons why they had broken up.

“It’s so dumb because my father actually wasn’t gay, he married my mother, that doesn’t sound very gay to me. He might have been something else, but, whatever, it’s not like I can ask him. It’s hard to endure, for me. I don’t… I don’t want them to speak so ill of him, but they don’t respect me and my feelings or opinion. I had this sheet with Hanzi Guanheng had made for me because I know nothing but my own name. My grandpa threw it into the stove’s flame, saying Korea had evolved past using that and I shouldn’t learn it. Urgh, whatever, I didn’t want to complain.”

“You can. It sounds really tough.”

Renjun nodded and still blinked his tears away.

“I just wanted to tell you that I decided to not be a coward anymore,” Renjun looked up and his eyes sparkled a bit in the low sunlight.

Donghyuck got lost for a second because it was impossible to not, in eyes this beautiful.

“Like I said, I wouldn’t have bothered you but then we kissed and I decided I can’t just give up. I tried to overcome it at first. I dated a girl, too, but it was like back when I always said I had a crush on Koeun. It was just to try and make myself feel something I can’t.

“In the end, it wasn’t like I stopped feeling something for you even though you were gone and I couldn’t even send you any of my ridiculous messages, which… I’m glad they never reached you.

“But I realised: Someone who goes to such lengths to make a positive change doesn’t need someone who can’t even be honest about their sexuality. So, I told my grandparents. I also told others, too. Try and explain internalised homophobia to Xiaojun, he was trying so hard to be understanding but I could see the question marks in his eyes. Yeah. I put in the work, so I could be better and… tell you once you were back,” Renjun looked up and Donghyuck knew what he wanted to tell him. He already kinda hab, but those three words, he had not said.

He wanted to stop him.

He felt tears in his eyes, his chest tight in a wild mix of emotions.

Renjun had worked on himself. He had become better. It was plainly obvious and it had already stood out to Donghyuck before, made him fall a little harder, a little deeper, because just like Renjun’s, his feelings hadn’t just gone away.

However, there were two people to a relationship and there had been two reasons to why it had not worked out for them.

Renjun had grown, worked to overcome what had been keeping them apart.

Meanwhile, Donghyuck had not. He was the coward now.

Donghyuck was weak and failing and ungrateful and a mess. Donghyuck let people walk all over him and he didn’t even know how to properly be himself anymore.

Renjun seemed to have felt like Donghyuck deserved better.

He had already been so wonderful before. Respectful, understanding, and kind, maybe to a fault. Topped off with just a bit of sass and sarcasm, and a big dose of passion and fire, but also a quiet nature. A mix that was completely unique and that Donghyuck had come to love.

It was actually Renjun, who deserved better.

But the chance of telling him was taken from Donghyuck because someone behind them whistled and he jerked around, fear immediately overpowering everything else.

“Hey, none of that! There are families here,” it was a man in a uniform, probably a city official, yelling down the path they had taken.

“None of what?” Renjun barked back, squeezing his fingers tighter while Donghyuck tried to let go.

“Take that gay shit elsewhere!” he waved his hands their direction, “Aren’t you ashamed? To walk around with such a person? Have some modesty and respect!”

Donghyuck felt sick. His chest tightened and he felt his lungs camp up. He ripped his hand free and turned away, unable to even face the man.

Just a sex toy.

A sensual seducer.

An affair at best.

Tears stung in his eyes.

He should be the one telling the man he didn’t know what respect was, clearly.

Instead, it was Renjun.

If he did, whom might he hurt, later?

How would he hurt him, now?

He was too scared.

Donghyuck grabbed Renjun’s shit and tugged, trying to get him to knock it off.

“Aren’t you going to make him apologise?” Renjun whispered, sounding furious. How Donghyuck should be.

“Will it change anything?” Donghyuck returned. He was so tired.

So, so tired.

“Yes! He can’t get away with this! You can’t give up, Donghyuck! That’s the first thing you always say and rightfully so!” Renjun sounded gobsmacked to have to say this.

Right.

Was it that?

Was he giving up?

Donghyuck felt his vision swim and Renjun’s face became burry, turning into blotches of colours.

Donghyuck didn’t have to tell him he deserved more.

It was painfully obvious.

Donghyuck was failing, weak, just an affair at best, something to be ashamed of.

“I’m sorry, Renjun. I’m sorry. I want, b-but I c-can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to give you all an extra heads-up before this chapter. If you’d prefer to skip the assault/rape, pls stop reading from the *** on and look for the *** to start again (you can use the search function). I hope this works for you <3

The sun had just set over the skyline of Gangnam and it was still warm enough in his t-shirt. The night wouldn’t get too cold, he’d be just fine, but he couldn’t stay.

Donghyuck had to be home by ten.

He didn’t have forever.

He had already gotten plenty of confused looks, so, he had changed his route to walk into smaller backstreets. He was unfamiliar with this part of the city. He wasn’t even sure if it was still Cheongdam, but it didn’t really matter, he’d use maps to find home.

But he didn’t want to go before he’d stop crying. And he hadn’t yet.

His tears seemed to come from an endless supply, running down his cheeks and making his eyes sore.

He tried to hold onto a thought, he tried to process something of the mess, but he couldn’t. The second he tried, it slipped from his grasp and something bigger, something sadder, something more terrible replaced it, only to slip away, too.

He shouldn’t have unblocked Renjun.

He shouldn’t have agreed to see him.

He shouldn’t still be in love.

Renjun shouldn’t have been so perfect.

Renjun shouldn’t still be in love.

He shouldn’t have left Renjun standing there.

He shouldn’t have left Jungwoo in the office.

If he didn’t… he’d have to tell them.

Donghyuck felt another sob rip through his body.

He couldn’t.

It was too shameful.

It was all his own fault.

He had to fix this, but instead, he was making it worse.

It was like a spiral into an endless abyss.

An abyss of guilt and failure and fear.

He was tired of feeling them, but he couldn’t turn them off and he, apparently, couldn’t fix them either, so, they became stronger every day.

He had thought he’d be able to shake them off here, but he had brought the demons with him and they were torturing him even when he was where he wanted to be.

The feeling of being alone hadn’t left him, the memories still haunted his nights.

If only they’d go away, leave him.

He had no room to complain, which only made it all so much worse.

The downward spiral seemed unstoppable.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Donghyuck realised he had stopped walking and when he looked up, he saw a stranger against the wall of a building, smoking and looking genuinely concerned.

He must have accidentally gone really far away from the busy main streets.

Still, that someone asked felt comforting.

“Peachy,” Donghyuck tried to rub a hand over his eyes, but the second he wiped tears away, new ones fell.

He felt ridiculous sobbing in front of a stranger, but he also felt like it was easier because a stranger wouldn’t have any expectations. Maybe he could talk to him and calm down?

However, the man pushed himself off the wall and the momentary feeling of comfort was replaced with wariness.

*******************

“Come on, no pretty boy like you should be crying,” his words were laced with dripping sweetness, to the point of being mocking.

 _Pretty boy_ … Donghyuck’s hair stuck on end and he took a step back, but the stranger grabbed his arm before he got anywhere.

All other feelings immediately got drowned in fear. No. Horror.

No.

Donghyuck tried to twist from the grip, but the other was stronger.

No.

“Let go of me,” he hissed and pulled harder, but his body was sluggish from crying and the general exhaustion that never left him.

“Come on, don’t be like that.”

“I’m not ‘like that’, let go of me.”

Donghyuck knew how to scratch, but what if he hurt the man and he’d then leave it out on someone else?

“Hard to get? Sweety, I’ll let you forget all about what made you cry, believe me, you’ll feel good.”

Oh no.

“No! No, let go of me, I’m just walking here, I’m not just some sex toy, available for everyone!” His fear mixed with anger, but his voice shook.

“Come on, are you not? You’re dressed in red, it’s like an invitation! You must know where you were going, don’t play with me.”

Donghyuck was ripped forward and yelped. A second later, his back connected to a wall and the air was forced from his lungs, sharp pain blooming through his skull from where it had knocked against the building.

Through the pain, he felt the stranger’s hand on his thigh.

No.

He struggled harder and tried to get away.

His head hurt.

It was impossible to break the other’s grip, the difference in strength too big, leaving Donghyuck powerless. He was pinned in place, fixed with the other’s legs locking his own down so he couldn’t kick and the stranger could use his free hand to explore his body however he wanted to.

He was going up until he touched between his legs.

No.

_No!_

“NO! Let go of me! I don’t want this! Let go!”

“Yes, you do, little wild kitten, hm? You need to be tamed.”

“Fuck you! No!” Donghyuck thrashed against his grip, but it was like iron.

Not again.

He had tried to forget about it.

He was home, safe.

Why?

Why, why, why, why, why?

He kept touching him as if his struggling was just a joke to him.

Like Donghyuck’s body was anyone’s to take pleasure from.

“Please, let go, please,” his skin was crawling, he wanted him to stop, to let him free.

“You sound better when you beg. Doesn’t he?”

Donghyuck realised he was addressing more people, who had come and were now watching. They might have heard him yell. It was his fault they were here, but he couldn’t even properly focus. He was too scared, too disgusted by the hands on his body where he didn’t want them, forcefully pushed between his thighs and ignoring all of his boundaries.

“I know you’re the little kitten who tried to tell us you’re really smart and just like humans,” his voice was low, threatening, “But there’s this wonderful video of you, where we all can see you’re just like our boys and girls, who only know how to open their mouths to suck some cock.”

It felt like he was losing his grip on reality.

His ears seemed like they were stuffed and his tongue became heavy in his mouth, making it hard to speak and his words slurred as he kept trying to tell him no.

His body turned numb, but he still felt where he was exploring first over his clothes, then pushing his hand under them. He was doing something Donghyuck had not allowed, touching where only someone with a special permission should.

But his grip was impossible to break, even more so as Donghyuck’s body lost more and more strength with fear and disgust paralysing him.

And video?

It was out there?

They had seen it?

“Look at that, I told you, you just needed to be tamed. A perfectly submissive little slut, aren’t you? You just need someone to treat you right and you’d stop spewing your nonsense and trying to ruin us when all you want is someone to fuck you well every night and every day.”

His head hurt and Donghyuck started to feel dizzy. Hitting the wall probably hadn't been good.

Was it ten already?

He tried to stop them from pulling his clothes off, but there were more of them than he. He was outnumbered, like always. They tore on them until his skin was bared wherever they wanted and they could touch more.

Was he late?

His voice broke, leaving him because he had been screaming too much and it wasn’t used to that. But he couldn’t stop. As if they’d let go, he kept repeating the same word in hopes of them having mercy.

_No! Please, stop!_

Would anyone be angry if he came back late? Worry?

That’d be unfortunate. He didn’t want anyone to worry, not for him. There was no reason to, after all, he was the one who was so lucky to have gotten these chances and opportunities.

Yet, all he was doing, was throw them away.

Like the failure he was.

Donghyuck realised they tried to drag him off the street, but he managed to resist. He couldn’t feel his body, but it still reacted. He could at least try, right?

Maybe they’d grow bored if it was too difficult, right?

What then…

Would they kick him from the school?

Someone with a sex tape out there… would they want that for Vassar college? It sounded like that was bad for their reputation.

This one thing he wanted more than anything in the world…

Why were they ruining it for him?

What had he done, other than wanting to not be treated like a toy?

How he was right now?

Was it worth to keep fighting?

They didn’t care.

They were after him, specifically. Of course, it was better if it was him and not someone who had done nothing but be born with cute ears and a tail. Donghyuck had brought this upon himself.

But they also still tortured innocent Hybrids in these brothels.

There was no law protecting them.

Nothing had changed, had it? It was in vain, anyway. They had said their boys and girls. Donghyuck knew what that implied and that it meant his efforts were going nowhere.

The police had said they’d end this, after Ten and Xiaojun’s trial, end the brothels full of Hybrids all over Seoul.

But here he was.

They didn’t even bother he had a collar on, they still had their hands on him and ignored his ‘no’, no matter how many times he repeated it.

He was just a sex toy, in 90% of the peoples’ eyes.

And they’d ignore his protests and use him for that, for their pleasure, even with studies proving he was smart, even with a spot in college, probably even with a degree.

It wasn’t going to change anything, was it?

All it did, was make him a more popular target and at night, he had to re-live these situations in which they took and took and took while he said no, but went ignored.

Might as well give up and let them have what they wanted.

It wasn’t like his dignity hadn’t already been stolen, it wasn’t even like they hadn’t already seen him if the video was out there.

Really, it was his own fault. Those pictures in lingerie? He had been provoking it, giving them ideas. Today, too, they had said his clothes were inviting.

It was better if it was him, he would take it.

As long as they’d not hurt anyone else because of him.

He couldn’t be at fault for another Hybrid getting hurt.

There was no worse feeling in the world than the guilt.

Even failure was preferable.

Even this was preferable.

Still, his heart kept fighting, didn’t let him accept it when it was reasonable. It let him keep resisting and crying. They’d surely film it again. Make him weak, vulnerable.

A joke.

Shameful.

Nothing but an object.

But he was to be blamed.

They always said that.

And they were right, his head knew while Donghyuck’s heart was scared. It didn’t want their hands on him, so he struggled and screamed and fought.

“No, let me, please, no!”

His voice was raspy, even to his malfunctioning ears. It hurt to use it, but everything hurt, everything hurt all the time.

They ignored him, they kept pushing their hands where they didn’t belong, pressing their own bodies against his.

Until, suddenly, someone down the street yelled, “Let go of him! Right this second!” and he was actually let go of.

Donghyuck stumbled backwards. His head was spinning and his muscles trembling, making it near impossible to keep upright.

“That is _my_ Hybrid, what is your business putting a hand on him when he does not want that? Do you get off on him screaming and crying? Does that do it for you? You’re sick! Disgusting!”

It was as though all energy had left his body and Donghyuck crumbled to the ground, his legs shaking too much to support his weight.

Feeling returned to him, but he wished it hadn’t because now he could exactly tell where they had touched, he could feel his t-shirt and trousers had been opened and pulled off him even though he had not wanted that.

He felt wrong, violated.

Just like each time, it felt like they had taken something from him by going against his word.

And the shame.

He felt shame, deep humiliation, for anyone to have seen him like this. Trembling, he struggled to cover himself back up.

“Chill, you know he likes that. You should fuck him better, so he’s less bitter.”

“I do not know he likes that. He said no! That means what you were doing to him is rape!”

No, please, it wasn’t like that, Donghyuck was to blame, nothing else.

But his voice wouldn’t come out, he could only hear himself sob and shake.

Someone put their arms around him.

“No,” his protest was weak, laughable, just a whisper, but he didn’t want this, please.

“Hyuckie, it’s me, Johnny. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Why were they here?

He didn’t want Johnny to know.

He didn’t want Mark to know.

“Yes, he does, wanna see how much?”

Please, no, they couldn’t know about the video, they couldn’t see Donghyuck like that, so shameful, doing such things, please!

“No,” Donghyuck heard himself, but no one else did, probably. It was just a breath, easy to ignore.

They would have ignored a scream, too.

It wasn’t like anyone asked.

He heard his own voice from the recording, asking to stop, and the grunting of them as they kept going, kept making him do what felt good to them but not him.

He didn’t want to hear it.

Please.

_Please, no!_

And, for once, someone seemed to listen because his ears were held shut and he was pulled off the ground. He felt Johnny’s arms supporting him, he felt him walk, but he couldn’t see or hear where to and he didn’t care.

********************************

He just wanted to leave. Go. Far away. Where they’d never find him again.

He could hear Mark, but he couldn’t understand what he said with his ears held shut.

He considered if he should fight, but he knew he didn’t have to.

Not against Johnny. Johnny was safe.

But Johnny knew.

And Mark knew.

And Donghyuck was going to lose everything he loved and his plan would fail.

In the end, he was just a toy, a seducer, an animal.

Not someone a human would ever want to seriously be with.

He might as well give up.

It was no use.

The world was never going to change.

He was just a Hybrid and he would never be more.

Donghyuck didn’t know when he had passed out from crying or from his headache or from being overwhelmed.

His body had just shut down at some point and Donghyuck understood. It had been better, blissful.

When he slowly returned to the surface, he realised he was somewhere, lying in a bed, in a quiet room.

Shame burn in his stomach.

They knew.

Shame and nausea and anxiety.

They had seen.

He blinked his eyes open and tried to swallow the tears that immediately collected in them.

It was dark, save for a small lamp that was burning and allowed him to see.

Donghyuck looked around.

Ah, the quarantine hallway.

He had been here before. Never as a patient, but he knew his way around. The sheets were sleek and smelt of hospital and Donghyuck pulled them under his nose. His body burnt in agony, but he ignored it. His head was throbbing, but he ignored it as well.

He had probably missed taking his controllers in the evening, he should have done so after returning.

He checked, but his phone wasn’t on his bedside table.

That was probably for the better.

He remembered Renjun, his face, how he had left him.

He remembered… no, don’t think about it.

He touched the back of his head, where he had hit the house’s wall. There was a cut, or, used to be. It was sewn and taken care of.

Right, if he was here, it meant someone had taken care of that.

Donghyuck felt new tears.

Embarrassment.

He didn’t deserve worry or treatment.

If it was anybody else – of course.

But he?

No, he had to be stronger, he had higher expectations for himself.

Yet, he had failed to meet any of them.

His tail wrapped around his leg when he shifted and Donghyuck reached under the blanket to stroke over it and relieve the tension in the muscle.

He had never hated his tail. It was cute, it helped him, it was part of him.

Others hated his tail or they fetishised it. That was why he couldn’t even touch it in public.

Like every part of him was scandalous. He had to carry himself with so much self-awareness and so much consideration for humans.

Donghyuck let the tip slide through his fingers.

His eyes burnt from the tears, the skin under them was tender from crying so much before.

What else was there to do, though?

It was useless.

He could just…

Give up.

That was what they all wanted so badly, wasn’t it? That was why they had touched him like that – because they hated what he stood for more than anything else in the world and wanted to prove to him that he would never overcome the idea and purpose they had for him and his life.

To make him give up his dreams and goals.

He had not, at first. Just, there was a limit to how many times he could overcome their cruel reminders.

The limit had been exceeded.

Guanheng had made similar experiences. Too many humans were like that. His boyfriend had pretended to be interested in him, but really, he had only tried to get closer to him and then break him, get him away from the Union, from his passion.

Make him into a sex toy.

He hadn’t taken into account that Guanheng’s first owner had thrown him away like that, once he had no longer had an interest in him. Guanheng’s motivation was to keep Hybrids safe from people like him.

Out of the heartbreak, Guanheng had made the breakup into oil to the flame.

He was so much stronger than Donghyuck.

Something tugging on his elbow when he tried to curl up made him realise there was an IV drip next to his bed and a needle in his arm.

Well, he had cried a lot, he was probably a bit dehydrated. Taeil or Jungwoo would look out for his health.

They also knew.

Were they disappointed? That he had let himself go how he had?

It was all such a mess, more and more thoughts piled up, all the people who’d be angry, see how much he had failed, turn to realise he was not worth any of the praise they had had for him.

It hurt.

Donghyuck hurt.

And he shouldn’t. He should be strong.

He just didn’t know how?

It was like it was all crashing down, his life, his work, his achievements, all turning to dust in the face of what he had let them do.

It was his fault!

He was to blame!

Donghyuck stared at the ceiling of the room. There was a lamp up there, currently switched off, as well as a smoke detector.

He wanted to go back to sleep, but then he remembered his nightmares.

He sat up, but his head throbbed immediately and his body was so tired, he knew this wasn’t going to happen.

At least his inhaler was on the bedside table. Donghyuck inspected it, but it was his own, the reliever medication. There was a sticker with a tiger on it, which he used to tell them apart. His Controllers had a shark.

When he sunk back into his pillows, he felt as if he had run a marathon, completely exhausted, to the point that his body shook. Maybe it was the fear, lingering in his system. Could be.

He didn’t know what to do now.

So, he just stared at the ceiling, waiting.

Waiting for someone to tell him they didn’t need him anymore because he was no longer credible, that he had been kicked out of school, that it was time to just accept his fate as a slightly smarter pet.

He didn’t know how much time passed, he had no clock to tell if it was stretching on or rushing by.

When the door opened, it was still just as pitch black outside. It couldn’t be morning yet.

Donghyuck felt fear spike and he jerked up, moving towards the wall. Who was coming to see him? Did they mean more harm?

Please, no.

But, instead, it was Taeil, who came through the door, dressed in a t-shirt and a pair of satin pyjama pants. His hair was messy and he looked like he had come straight from bed.

Why?

“Hey, Donghyuck, I’m back again,” Taeil smiled and slowly came closer, moving consciously to show he was harmless.

Donghyuck relaxed, but his body felt the aftershock. Everything seemed heightened, worse, terrible. He was trembling.

“Back?” Donghyuck heard himself whisper and Taeil sat down on the side of his bed.

“Jungwoo and I took turns to check you every hour. Do you not remember?” Donghyuck didn’t, he stared at Taeil in shock upon the revelation, “Not remembering is normal. You suffered a concussion, it can lead to spontaneous amnesia,” Taeil added softly.

Donghyuck nodded slowly, but his head hurt doing so.

“You seem a lot more normal to me. It takes a little to return to completely fine, the brain doesn’t like it when it’s pushed around so much. I need to check your irises and your blood pressure quickly, just in case I’m wrong and you actually got worse and not better.”

“Okay,” Donghyuck swallowed his fear down and tried to relax, but he couldn’t. His body was set on this being dangerous.

“Do you remember coming here?” Taeil must know he was scared. It’d be very easy to tell. He didn’t move and didn’t pressure Donghyuck to do so either.

“No,” There was just a hole between now and being carried from… there….

He felt sick in fear.

So sick.

“Okay. I know it must be weird to have gaps in your memory, but it’s not worrisome.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry,” Donghyuck assured him as if it was a reflex. He pushed himself over the bed, finally winning over his body.

He ignored Taeil’s frown and was glad he just silently turned his small lamp on and shone it into his eyes even though getting blinded was uncomfortable.

Donghyuck jerked away when Taeil reached out to touch him at first.

This was ridiculous.

He took a deep breath and held his arm out. Taeil had said he needed his blood pressure, nothing more. Why was he making such a fuss?

The stethoscope was cool against his skin. Taeil waited a few seconds, then glanced up and Donghyuck quickly turned away.

“Donghyuck, I hate to say this, but I don’t believe that you’re fine and it’s perfectly okay to not be. You don’t have to be fine after…”

“No. I’m fine. It’s my fault, anyway, so don’t worry,” Donghyuck felt so sick. He just wanted to forget. Taeil couldn’t say it or he couldn’t forget!

Taeil waited for a few seconds, staring at the watch in his hand.

“Your blood pressure is through the roof,” he softly supplied.

Donghyuck swallowed.

“And what do you mean it’s your fault?” Taeil pulled the stethoscope from his ears and looked at him.

“Everything. I know I was provoking them, so, it’s really my fault, you can’t worry, please!” Donghyuck felt his chest tighten. Again, he just wanted to move on. If someone worried, he couldn’t.

“Donghyuck, it is not your fault that someone did violence to you. They decided to do that and it’s their fault and responsibility. They will have to face consequences for that. They had no right to do that to you. They are at fault, completely, they are to blame, for everything.”

Donghyuck felt new tears.

“No, I… I did, the… pictures and… they said because I wore red, it’s my fault,” he knew he was the one who had put himself into harm’s way, he had no room to get pitied, he didn’t deserve it.

“It was just a t-shirt. It’s not an invitation of any kind, neither are pictures for activism. They tried to justify their disgusting actions by trying to make it seem as if there’s any way to defend them when there isn’t. As long as you don’t consent, there’s nothing allowing them to do anything. You’re innocent, Donghyuck, you did nothing wrong.”

Donghyuck shook his head.

He wasn’t trying hard enough!

He had failed!

More tears stung in his eyes, but he didn’t even know what to say.

“Oh, Donghyuck,” Taeil’s voice was soft and gentle and Donghyuck tried to cling to it and believe he actually deserved this kindness.

But he didn’t.

“I’m so sorry you were hurt like this. I’m so sorry someone did this to you, especially when you were so far away and working so hard to re-write history. I’m even more sorry it happened again, here.”

“I didn’t do enough, I-I should be more grateful, it’s my responsibility,” Donghyuck repeated what he knew to be true but Taeil didn’t seem to understand.

“Stop say that! It’s not!”

Donghyuck jerked around once more when the door was thrown open.

Mark came marching into the room, but instead of anger, there were tears down his cheeks.

Why…?

“Hyuckie, it’s not your fault, please, if anything it’s mine for not insisting there was something wrong and letting you get hurt more after spring break. And here, today, I should have done something!”

Mark didn’t usually cry. He was hard to make cry. He used to, sometimes, when their parents had just left for Tokyo and it was still occasionally overwhelming and difficult. Ever since, Donghyuck hadn’t seen him cry.

It was his fault.

Mark was crying because he had failed to do more and be better.

“Even the police agreed! Do you not remember? They said this was not right and it was going to be punished. They deserve punishment for touching you when you said no!” Mark’s voice was loud, very loud, and Donghyuck shrunk into himself.

No, he didn’t remember any police. He didn’t remember anything past Johnny carrying him from that street.

How many more people knew?

Worse, how many more had seen him, like that, in that video, being forced to…

“Mark, sssh,” Taeil gently reminded and Mark deflated in his spot. It was as of it all just left him and he sat down on the floor, hiding his face.

It was all Donghyuck’s fault!

“Hyuckie, I’m sorry I failed you.”

No, no, this was wrong! Why was he apologising?

It was impossible to hold his tears anymore.

“I-I am to blame…” Donghyuck protested, but it was weak, downright pathetic.

“Neither of you is at fault,” Taeil said, voice reasonable and soft enough to not agitate the situation further. He reached out and Donghyuck jerked away, but Taeil didn’t back off and just pulled the needle from his arm with one quick move, “Neither of you is at fault or to blame. No one could predict for something so terrible to happen. All we can do now is to do everything to let them face consequences and we’ll help you to overcome this, but no one here is to blame.”

Donghyuck could finally curl up how he had wanted to without the needle blocking him.

He didn’t want them to pay him so much attention, there were others who deserved it more, not him. He should be stronger than this.

He just wasn’t.

“But you’re even less at fault!” Mark whispered, looking up with his eyes still shiny.

Donghyuck swallowed.

He tried to order his thoughts.

He tried to access something, anything, to let this make sense.

But he couldn’t, at least not right now. He needed to calm down and process this.

Maybe they were right, though?

Maybe he wasn’t…?

“Donghyuck, I need to ask a few more questions because your pulse was seriously concerning, but it might not have to do with the concussion. Do you feel sick?”

Donghyuck sniffled.

“Please be honest, I want to worry if there’s a reason to,” Taeil added, softer.

“A… a bit, but… more…”

From his overdramatisation and anxiety. Donghyuck didn’t know what to say.

“Psychologically?” Taeil carefully suggested.

Yeah.

It was embarrassing, just like everything else.

“I only have a headache. And feel sore. And like my skin under my eyes will peel off,” Donghyuck tried to grin and distract, but he couldn’t.

“I can reassure you, I’ve not seen that happen,” Taeil returned a smile, albeit a small one, “Dizzy?”

“No.”

“Okay. There’s no reason to assume internal bleeding is to blame, then. Jungwoo will check on you in an hour or less, just in case. Ear pets?” Taeil looked unsure.

Donghyuck felt unsure, too.

He wanted pets, he needed touch, but safe touch, where he didn’t have to worry someone would ignore his nos.

Taeil was a human, like them.

Donghyuck was inclined to say no.

But this was _Taeil_.

Taeil, whose every action was to make Hybrids’ lives better, who’d spent his last won to assure his kids were better taken care of than himself, who called the Hybrids he owned, legally, his kids, rather than anything else.

This was safe, as safe as it got. Somehow, Donghyuck managed to overpower his scared heart. He wasn’t sure how and why? Maybe just because he wanted to still be loved?

But was he?

“Yeah, please,” Donghyuck leaned his head forward a little. Taeil gave amazing ear-pets and he was extra careful today, just letting Donghyuck forget for a tiny second and feel comfortable and as if everything was okay.

He was safe here.

Until further notice, he could rely on this.

“Can I stay here?” Mark asked, still on the same pitiful spot on the floor.

He wasn’t angry, he didn’t turn away.

_At least not right away._

Until his brain was working again, Donghyuck could cling to this.

He looked at Taeil, questioningly.

“If you both agree, sure. Should I send Johnny in, too?”

Donghyuck swallowed. What did Johnny think?

“If he wants…?” he wasn’t going to think less of him, now, was he?

From Johnny immediately poking his head through the door, he probably didn’t.

Donghyuck was really tired and also tired of crying, but he couldn’t not when Mark crawled over him and Johnny squeezed in on the other side, sandwiching him between the two of them, warm and safe and comfortable.

Johnny’s pyjama smelt of Ten, a bit, but Donghyuck didn’t care right now, he could figure out if Ten was angry with him tomorrow.

Right now, he just needed to know it was okay and he wasn’t alone.

Mark and Johnny were here for and with him.

Maybe he had been wrong.

Maybe he shouldn’t have lied.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been okay.

It was too much work to think right now. He was tired, so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OTL I feel like I'm doing my best to lose all my readers - if you're still here, let me know
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you for letting me know how many of you are still here and impossible to get rid of. I appreciate it just as much as I understand this fic is a lot and I don’t mean to invalidate anyone’s concerns – just knowing part of my audience is still here is a relief, love you all <3 (PS: ari (?) if you’re here, your reply to yesterday’s tweet was pure gold)

Donghyuck remembered three more checks on his pupils’ reflexes and his pulse.

There were no nightmares, not particularly, but when the sun started to shine through the window, he was happy to not have to go back to sleep. An uncomfortable feeling lingered under his skin, mixing with the tightness in his chest.

He felt even worse than he had until yesterday.

Of course, he did.

This situation, yesterday, hadn’t been supposed to happen.

It and the ones he had been forced into before were why he was feeling so terrible, in the first place.

Donghyuck felt like crying, yet again, but even his body had run out of tears, so he just stared at the ceiling and watched the shadows get shorter as the sun rose higher.

When the door opened again and he sat up, it wasn’t Jungwoo or Taeil, but Kun.

Immediately, Donghyuck’s stomach dropped and he sunk back down, trying to disappear between Johnny and Mark’s larger frames and the pillows.

“Good morning,” Kun softly greeted. He didn’t sound angry or appalled… “Are you okay with me checking you? An hour passed…”

Donghyuck swallowed.

Of course, a nurse was perfectly equipped to do all that had to be done.

“If you want to?” his voice was sore, probably from the excessive and ridiculous crying.

And the screaming for mercy.

“Of course, I want to make sure you’re doing okay. Okay-ish.”

Kun didn’t hesitate as he stepped up to the bed.

It was just him doing his job, Donghyuck didn’t want to be a bother and make it harder, so, he sat up even though everything inside him told him to not and to try to disappear. “Look at me?”

Donghyuck stared at Kun and tried to not at the same time. The sun left the room bright enough for him to be able to see every detail now, every shift in expression.

Kun’s eyes were similar to his own, green, just a lighter and stronger shade. Donghyuck’s were relatively boring, for a Hybrid.

But, again, there was no anger in them, no upset, no disappointment, nothing.

“Okay, pupils open exactly how they’re supposed to, that’s very good,” Kun softly narrated what he was doing and Donghyuck held out his arm, already knowing what came next.

Johnny had woken up, but not moved. He was just silently observing Donghyuck and Kun working over his body. It was a bit absurd, but Donghyuck was glad he had not moved yet, not said anything, not done anything.

What if…

He felt more tears.

Kun stared at his watch, brows furrowed.

He had the most interesting pattern of everyone, Donghyuck could admit it without feeling too bad about it. Bengalese cats, the type Kun’s ancestors had gotten their genes from, had been bred to look like tiny leopards. For Kun, the stripes and spots stretched from his ears and hair over his eyebrows and lashes, to his tail, reflecting the pattern in the most mesmerising ways, such as multi-coloured lashes.

As beautiful as it was, it had brought Kun a lot of grief.

The regular cat was on the more expensive side, but humans had made that into turning Bengalese cat Hybrids into luxury ware.

Less than a sex toy, Kun could be compared to an expensive art item, something that would be protected with a security system in a collection.

Only, there was no security system protecting Kun as long as people thought of him as a ware and not a person.

“Hm, your pulse is rather high, still,” Kun put down his stethoscope and gave Donghyuck a throughout once-over.

Still, no anger.

Donghyuck expected it to show up. For him to have failed like this, to impose and have everyone fuss over him when he didn’t deserve it, anger would be justified.

“Do you feel sick or dizzy?” Kun asked.

“No,” Donghyuck only had a headache. Even that had gotten better. He was pretty much fine, really, no need to worry.

“How about hunger? It’s seven now, so it’s breakfast time.”

Donghyuck felt the furthest thing from hungry.

It was just stress.

But now it was Kun asking him.

Kun was the one where people had used to have to worry. He was a former bulimia patient, someone with serious and actual health issues. Not him.

He was imposing by making it seem as if his weight loss was anything seriously concerning or even near as serious as an eating disorder.

It was not, he didn’t deserve to be coddled and pampered.

“I can eat,” Donghyuck managed to press out.

He’d really rather stay here and try to not think about anything.

“Good. Um… so… there’s a bit of mess right now and we thought it’d be maybe better for you to just take a day to recover from everything. I’ll bring you some soup and rice, or anything else you feel like eating.”

Donghyuck nodded.

What kind of mess was Kun referring to, though?

“Are you angry?” Donghyuck whispered, speaking before thinking.

Immediately, he regretted it but was relieved to have asked at the same time.

He was just so worried someone would be upset with him for being ungrateful and a failure. He didn’t want them to think badly of him. They were his friends, his family, his everything.

“Angry?” Kun looked baffled, eyes wide and brows furrowed.

Donghyuck stared at the blanket, where it was rising and falling from Johnny’s breathing.

“I’m not angry. I don’t even know why I should be, to be honest?” Kun carefully asked.

Johnny had taken his hand and gently stroked over the back of it. Strengthened by his show of affection, Donghyuck glanced up.

“Okay,” but surely someone else would be angry.

For his failure and his ungratefulness.

“Donghyuck, I feel like this would be on your mind, but no one is angry with you. The mess I was talking about is from outside. And I’d really rather not weigh you down with it right now. We can handle it in your stead, for now, so you can rest and heal a bit.”

But he should stand up for himself, he should be first in line to do all of that.

Even if Kun was right and, like through a miracle, no one was angry with him, there was one person that was, one person he wasn’t speaking for right now and he couldn’t.

Donghyuck.

He was upset with himself.

For being weak, for failing, for not doing better, for not trying harder, for losing sight of everything, and for this mess he had brought upon himself.

But what should he do?

He really didn’t know.

Kun brought him his favourite breakfast, which was Taeyong’s soup and rice.

Mark was still knocked out and Donghyuck had sent Johnny away, so he could have breakfast as normal, upstairs, with everyone.

He needed a moment of calm and quiet, so he left Mark to sleep and worsen his jetlag. He slowly sipped his soup and munched on his rice while staring out into the tiny garden.

There was a napkin stuffed under the bowl, onto which several hearts had been drawn and small cheerful messages were written.

It seemed like he could finally grasp a proper thought again, it no longer just slipped.

So, he’d start from the closest issue.

The others.

Donghyuck traced his finger over the napkin.

No, he’d rather not think about them, after all.

Still, all other things tied in with them.

What would happen now?

There was no need to try and hide anymore, or to tell terrible lies.

In a way, that was a relief.

He had been so bad at coming up with them, anyway.

But what now?

What should he do, now that everyone knew what had happened?

How college had been hell for him?

He could give up…

Say he’d not go back where he didn’t want to go.

Stay where he wanted to, where he felt safe.

Donghyuck sighed into his soup.

He didn’t want to.

He did not want to give up.

He swallowed thickly. The realisation was… like a relief, too.

Donghyuck did never give up.

He had thought they had managed to break him, but they hadn’t. He was stronger, still.

He wanted to get his diploma.

He wanted to become free. More, he wanted _everyone_ to become free.

He nearly started crying when he felt this burning determination.

But how many more times could he come out on top?

He stirred the soup and listened to the clink the spoon made against the bowl.

Maybe there could be a plan B, after all?

There wasn’t one yet, but there also hadn’t been a plan A before he had come up with it.

Actually, was his plan even plan A?

No!

It wasn’t!

Plan A had been to go to uni in South Korea.

Donghyuck gripped the spoon tighter and finished his soup by tipping the bowl back.

That hadn’t worked… but now, things were different.

He had an SAT score, an entire two semesters worth of taken courses, a grade sheet, proof, hard, written proof that he could do this.

Still, as he tried to think about it, he suddenly remembered what had happened yesterday and the excitement and confidence just burst into nothing.

It had happened here, too.

Donghyuck put the tray onto the bedside table and leaned against the headboard, letting his tail curl around his ankles, so he was just a small ball.

He felt sick again. Not from his headache, but from his anxiety.

He didn’t have room for this.

Plan B, or plan C, he could do, but this?

This was in the way.

Why was he not fine, now, that there was a solution presenting itself?

He should be!

He should try harder!

The fur on his tail was silky and smooth and the motion of just stroking it soothing.

Mark’s hair truly looked ridiculous. He was right next to where Donghyuck was sitting, mouth slightly agape, eyes closed, and the patchy mess in his eyes.

He hadn’t wanted to tell their parents.

But had he told them what had happened yesterday?

Surely.

Donghyuck pressed his face against his knees.

He was so ashamed.

The knowledge that the video was out there was even more burdening. He hadn’t seen it, but he had heard and he knew when it had been taken.

He didn’t want everyone to see him like that. He didn’t want _anyone_ to. No, he hadn’t complied, you could hear his desperate pleas in the audio – but didn’t that just make it worse?

He had been so helpless, every time it had happened. It was embarrassing.

He should have done more to free himself, but he hadn’t.

Despite the shame burning on his skin, he tried to recall Taeil’s words.

He tried to recall his own mindest when it came to rape.

It was never the victim’s fault. Nothing but a yes or unmistakable non-verbal cue was consent.

Why did it feel like he had still done something to make it okay, to not make him actually a victim?

It was different, for him.

He was lucky.

No one had abused him or done anything past the normal indoctrination, then, he had been bought by a wealthy family that had treated him like another child and not like a pet. They had given him an education, they had showered him in love and trusted him, they had never once made him feel differently from their actual, biological son. Mark had never once made him feel anything but an actual brother, as had Johnny.

How many Hybrids could say they had been this blessed in life?

Probably no more than a hand full!

Therefore, he shouldn’t feel any of this, he should be fine.

Suddenly, this devastating loneliness returned to his chest. Donghyuck turned his head, but his vision was funny from his knees having been pressed against his eyeballs.

Mark was right there, why was his head being so dumb?

He stood up.

It might help if he stopped being lazy and did something, work to return to normal. Quickly.

When he tried to take a deep breath but couldn’t quite, Donghyuck remembered his controller medication.

Missing two doses was really not what he should be doing.

He’d go and ask where his inhaler was. What time was it? He looked around, but there still was no clock.

He’d test his luck, then.

There was no need to wallow in self-pity that he didn’t deserve.

The door opened into the tiny hallway. The old quarantine hallway had been bigger, with three rooms rather than just two. Two were enough, though. It was rare a Hybrid had to stay here for further treatment.

Donghuyck knew the other one. It was almost bare, for people about whose lives you had to worry.

He hadn’t been put in there. That would have been even more embarrassing.

He was fine, he had no reason to not be. Period.

Of course, the door to the outside was locked.

Donghyuck huffed to himself. Nice try.

He took two guesses and the lock beeped in confirmation of the right password.

Seriously, yesterday’s date plus his birth year? A joke!

The floor was cold under his bare feet, but he hadn’t wanted to steal Mark’s shoes. It wasn’t far, anyway. He had to slowly take the stairs because he was a bit short of breath and his head had started pulsing in mild pain. He felt his heart racing, but he tried hard to ignore it.

Kun had said no one was angry with him.

If someone was, he’d rather know. He wanted to go back to normal, he didn’t want them to worry. Returning was the logical step. He wanted to go back.

He had been so scared to lose any of them, he was so scared to have now lost them, he had to try and keep that from happening if he somehow could.

The front door also beeped and he heard people talking all over each other from the living room. He found the clock in the entrance hall and noticed the time – ten to eight. That would be the reason for the stressful atmosphere.

Donghyuck suddenly felt like this was a terrible idea.

He should just take the day off and hide away.

What would he gain from that, though?

No, he wouldn’t do that. Donghyuck was stronger than that.

So, he marched right down the hall and into the living room.

Only to freeze in the door when he saw Jaemin push Yuta against the sofa, a grow ripping through the air. Yuta immediately recovered and grabbed Jaemin, taking him into choke-hold.

Donghyuck swallowed and turned to ignore them. They did this all the time, especially Jaemin was never going to miss the chance to be petty and get into a fight. No reason to be scared.

The people on the breakfast table were just as unbothered by the brawl, but some had already spotted him and stared in surprise. Some were still eating, or had been, but Guanheng had his laptop here, countless print-outs all over the table between him, Jeno, Doyoung, and Taeil.

“Morning,” Donghyuck whispered, feeling like an alien.

So, were they angry after all?

He didn’t dare meet anyone’s eyes.

It shouldn’t be so… awful.

He wasn’t the only one who had been used for his body here.

Not by a long shot.

His fate was very harmless, which was the root of the entire issue, in comparison to what some of them had been through. Some of them had been in forced prostitution for years.

Donghyuck had zero room to voice even the smallest complaint. Really not. He had been lucky, once more. He had to be grateful!

All that just made it worse. Because there had been such a fuss and now they all knew. They all realised how weak he was, to not just shake it off.

“Um, Donghyuck, why are you up here?” Taeil asked and started to collect the printed pages very hurriedly. Like he was trying to hide something.

“I missed two doses of controllers. Since I do enjoy oxygen in my lungs, I thought I’d take those.”

Taeil paused his hasty collection of printed… whatever that was.

“I had planned to bring them downstairs in ten minutes, sorry. How did you even… nevermind,” Taeil knew no number-lock was going to keep Donghyuck in or out.

Unless they’d start to use random numbers.

But 1 – no one else would be able to memorise that, 2 – Donghyuck wasn’t dumb enough to give them this tip.

“Want me to go with you?” Jaemin was suddenly next to him, apparently over his brawl.

Donghyuck felt relieved. He didn’t need a babysitter, of course, but that Jaemin would offer…

However, the asthma medication and even his worries over everyone going to turn their backs now suddenly seemed very irrelevant when Donghyuck’s eyes caught on what Guanheng, too, was trying to shuffle together and hide.

He was by the table with one step and grabbed the page furthest away from his friends, pulling it up to look at.

It had his picture.

The one from the flyer. They had printed it to raise awareness about the sexual exploitation of Hybrids.

The one in which he was dressed in white lingerie, but heavily censored for a news article.

‘New PR-stunt? Videos of alleged rape suspected to be faked for attention’

What?

WHAT?

“Donghyuck, come on, give that back!”

Donghyuck was not going to do such a thing. He let his eyes travel over the lines, that reported about his video.

And how they had sources that said it was very much just him having a good time, but the Union now making it out to be a crime to try and pose as the victims.

“Donghyuck, don’t look at that, don’t trigger yourself!”

Jaemin was trying to pull the paper from his hands, but Donghyuck hissed and snapped his teeth at him, and Jaemin was so surprised, he stepped back and let Donghyuck backtrack to the door, still reading the article.

What the fuck?

How?

How dare they?

Fury rose in his stomach.

“Donghyuck, this is the opposite of resting and healing.”

Donghyuck snapped his head up. He heard the paper rip between his fingers, but he didn’t care.

“Who wrote that?” his voice came out as a snarl and he stomped back to the table, reaching over, but Guanheng jerked his stack of documents out of his reach.

“Some idiots, who’ll find themselves sued for slander,” Ten explained, voice hard, but Donghyuck didn’t care they didn’t want him to know.

This was about him!

They were making him seem like he was lying, putting himself into such a position willingly!

They actually thought it was okay to print such assumptions and make light about a crime as vile and brutal as rape, that was done to millions of Hybrids on a regular basis!

They’d make more people search for and look at his video, embarrass him even further, let the whole world know!

“Can’t we just send them straight to fucking hell?” Donghyuck realised he was being a bit loud, screaming, pretty much, and his voice scratched from the amount of stress it had been under yesterday.

How _dare_ they?

Donghyuck didn’t even know how to breathe, he was so furious, so angry, and he needed some sort of outlet it, so, he started ripping the article in his fingers apart, letting it rain to the ground in tiny shreds.

Were they really not going to cut him even a second of slack?

“Hell was unavailable for now.”

Donghyuck heard himself start to sob and tears fall down to the paper on the floor.

“I’m really having second thoughts, though. It seems more appropriate,” yes! Yes, it would be more appropriate!

“Hyuckie, it’s okay,” Jaemin’s voice was close and Donghyuck felt him snake an arm around him. He was done with the A4 paper and his anger hard been ripped apart together with it, leaving him just crying and gasping for air while Jaemin pulled him closer and stroked over his back.

Now, everyone knew.

Everyone who’d look enough could see.

Worse.

They’d think he was making it up, lying.

“Wh-wh-when will you sue them?” Donghyuck knew they could take the articles down.

“We just found out about this an hour ago, but Jungwoo contacted his friend, who’s a lawyer. We’ll get it all on the way today, so the articles can be taken down as fast as possible, but I don’t know how soon that would be,” Taeil explained, “You don’t have to do anything, we’ll not let them talk like this about you.”

“We can sue them as the Union, probably, because we’re a legal person,” Guanheng added, “We can be the one representing instead of Mark being. We’ll get justice for you, okay? I promise we will!”

Donghyuck didn’t dare look up when he heard Guanheng’s voice shake. Jaemin was petting his ears now, never letting go.

He could trust them.

He knew he could.

But _still_.

“I could do it,” Donghyuck whispered, “You don’t have to, it’s not that big.”

The silence was heavy and Donghyuck waited for someone to agree and finally let him know, yes, he was being ungrateful and greedy.

Or that the articles were right, there had been a way in which he was to blame, after all. He had brought this upon himself and he’d have to face the consequences now.

He had put this responsibility onto himself and he’d have to live up to it now.

But no one said anything and seconds ticked by before the silence was finally broken.

“It is big. They attacked you, but all of us as well. We’re with you, you’re never alone.”

It was Sicheng’s deep voice, thick with the accent that made his Korean so cute.

_He was never alone._

“Yeah. You don’t have to do this alone, we’re here for you how you were for us when we needed it,” Jeno added and Jaemin squeezed him tighter.

He felt someone else wrap their arms around him, then someone else, and someone else, making a spontaneous cuddle pile, more voices confirming he wasn’t alone, they’d be here for him to overcome this, to get justice.

Even though he was a mess and he felt like he had failed, _he was never alone._

Even though he was so lucky and felt like he should be more grateful, _he was never alone._

Even though their fates had been worse, a million times, his own was still big, to them, and _he was never alone._

He had been so scared to not be accepted if he had changed, that they’d think less of him, and not understand because that was how he felt about what had happened.

He had been scared to no longer be loved.

That wasn’t magically gone.

But there was something new in his chest now.

Hope.

Just how there could be a plan B, or C, or Z, there could maybe be room for him to not be perfect, to not meet all expectations, and still be welcome here, still be loved.

He could trust and rely on them and it was okay, they had just reminded him and his stubborn head.

Donghyuck was just very tired of crying but it was happy tears, that soaked through different peoples’ clothes.

He felt his hair stick up all directions after having it petted so much, but he felt so much better when the last person let go, it didn’t matter.

Even the anxiety was quiet for now.

He wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	11. Chapter 11

It took him a bit to calm down, but then it felt like he had managed to for good and wouldn’t have to burst into more tears the second someone would just look at him funnily.

Donghyuck ended up waking Mark, after taking his dose of asthma medication and dressing in a tracksuit because it was a tracksuit-kind-of-day.

Despite the faint throbbing of his head, he hadn’t felt this normal in weeks.

No longer having to hide, no longer having to lie… it was a relief.

The abyss of fear and guilt was closed – at least for now.

He knew it, of course, wasn’t gone. If he’d sit down and think about it, it’d open right back up.

So, he didn’t. He really needed this peace. He had been anxious for days, pretty much non-stop. It was exhausting and if he had the chance to relax for a little right now, he’d not seek out more pain and fear but take the moment to recharge.

As long as the hugs and reassurances would last, Donghyuck would pretend it was already overcome and let the meltdown boil with the lid on.

It’d explode sooner or later, sure, but he’d maybe have more energy to deal with it then.

“Markie,” Donghyuck poked his cheek. It always took a bit. He felt bad for having to wake him, but he was in Seoul now. Time to get back on schedule.

“Markie!” Donghyuck poked with more purposed, once, twice, until Mark groaned and his eyelids fluttered.

“Hrm?”

“It’s morning. Late morning even.”

“’ve more.”

Donghyuck sighed and sank down to sit on the edge of the bed.

He had five minutes to spare. It wasn’t like he had anything to do today.

He was forbidden from doing anything other than cuddling, eating, cuddling, drawing, cuddling, or mild and non-exhausting cleaning. Cleaning had been an attempted joke from a very upset Taeyong, but Donghyuck would do it.

The number one concern and reason for the baby-treatment was this very annoying concussion he had. Including the cut in his head. Yeah, he had almost forgotten about it, but it was still there.

The number two concern was everything else.

He didn’t want them to worry or be upset in his stead, but he also realised he couldn’t police their feelings and emotions.

Instead, he tried to understand they had a right to be upset, just how he would have been had it been someone else.

But because it was him and he was different and should be more grateful and not be pitied when he was such a lucky person…

No, stop.

He had told himself to enjoy the peace for now. If he returned to tearing himself down, he’d open the hole of anxiety back up. He needed a bit of peace, desperately.

For the same reason, he had not asked where his phone was. Taeil had not left any room to argue about him having to rest and he also didn’t think Taeil had it. It wasn’t his style.

It was more Johnny’s and he knew he’d have it back if he so much as suggested he might want to have it.

He didn’t.

There wasn’t anyone Donghyuck wanted to write.

That was a lie. He wanted.

He just didn’t know what to say.

A ‘sorry’ would not cut it and he didn’t want to be that disrespectful and even try.

Renjun had exams to write, anyway.

Donghyuck hoped yesterday hadn’t been upsetting for him to the point of now influencing his performance.

He hoped he had maybe not heard about the slanderous articles and thus about what had happened.

Since he had nothing to add and nothing to say that could be via text message, he could just go without his phone for now.

He scooted over the mattress and started stroking Mark’s hair. It felt like straw, hard and dry. Maybe he could ask Jaemin to ask Yangyang to ask Yukhei if he could pay for Mark’s visit to the hairdresser and have him pay back in small, unsuspicious amounts?

He could also ask Yukhei himself. He hadn’t had much contact because Yukhei was quite a bit older than himself and he wouldn’t consider him a close friend, but Yukhei was fun, he was nice, and he treated his Hybrids very well.

He was the type of person to listen, learn, and change, the type of human to try and make the difference between humans and Hybrids as small as the Euripus Strait, rather than the Pacific ocean.

Like Renjun, only, well, no one was like Renjun, to Donghyuck.

Mark’s hair just stuck up how he left it, how it had yesterday. Donghyuck doubted it was actually salvageable.

“You might need a buzzcut. I’d do it for you, for free,” he announced and Mark stirred as if the risk of losing his hair was terrible enough to wake him at 9 am.

He forced one swollen eye open.

“We could do it now and then tell our parents you tried a new look. They’ll never know about cabbage-head. Unless I show them the pictures,” Donghyuck tried to grin.

He didn’t want to call them blackmail.

Not with his video out there. He couldn’t joke about it.

“Okay, if that’d be fun to you,” Mark rolled over and snuggled against him.

Donghyuck felt a shiver down his spine, discomfort tightening his gut for a second, just how he had jerked away from Taeil. As he waited for something he didn’t want to happen, but it didn’t and Mark became unmoving again, just giving platonic and safe touch, it left and only a foul aftertaste remained.

He considered moving away, but it was okay. He could enjoy the show of affection from Mark and he could push the fact that he was human away. He wasn’t them.

Mark wasn’t very cuddly, he also wasn’t that good at ear-scratching. He was always awkward. It was kind of charming. He was like his brother, he was safe and Donghyuck hoped he could solidify that notion in his confused and scared head so he wouldn’t have to feel fear around Mark or, worse, offend him by not letting him do what had always been normal.

Then again…

The autonomy over his body had been taken, yesterday and the times before that.

That was wrong. It was not okay to do that. Everyone should have to respect his decision over what he wanted and what not.

Even if it was something seemingly harmless, if Donghyuck didn’t want it, he shouldn’t have to give it. Right! That was how that worked, how had his head forgotten that?

Maybe it had just accidentally gotten buried in the ruins of his sanity.

Well, that’d be understandable.

Mark would never compromise on his comfort, he didn’t have to fear anything of him, including this.

He was his family, he was safe, it was okay.

What a relief!

Donghyuck traced the outline of his ear. Human ears were odd, to him. So naked and round and small. It was kind of fun when humans put jewellery into them, but Mark didn’t have his ears pierced.

He had an assumption why Mark was now seeking touch and why he had agreed to this ridiculous idea of a buzzcut – rather than needing it himself, he was trying to give Donghyuck comfort. And it was, now that he had overcome the moment of fear.

“I was kidding, obviously, you dork. But if you want to, we can still do it, of course. I was born ready to ruin your hair,” Donghyuck finally managed to grin and tickled under Mark’s nose, the only place where he grew facial hair. It was stubbly and scratchy now and Donghyuck was never going to encourage he let that grow.

Mark groaned unhappily and tried to bat his hand away, then seemed to slowly grow more aware of his surroundings and opened his eyes, finally sitting up.

“This jetlag feels like it aged me 40 years in one day,” Mark pressed his hands against his eyes.

“Hm, same. The time difference is too huge,” Donghyuck moved over to sit on the bed where Mark getting up had left space. It was still warm from his body and he felt the need to curl up on the spot.

Like a cat.

Donghyuck glanced at Mark, who was rubbing on his face as if he was trying to peel it off.

He had never worried around Mark or anyone else of his family. It was okay. They understood. He could be himself with Mark. Always!

Happily, Donghyuck let his body drop onto the mattress and nuzzled against the sheets. After the night of Johnny, Mark, and him sleeping in them, they didn’t even smell of hospital anymore.

Mark was finished with abusing his skin and looked down at him, but Donghyuck didn’t hold his gaze for more than a second.

He felt less overall terrible.

But he still felt ashamed.

“Do you… what do you want to do today? Is there anything?”

Donghyuck shook his head.

“I’ve been banned to rest and cuddle, basically. For today at least.”

The others would get the lawsuit on the way, to protect him.

Donghyuck felt himself get choked up, so he quickly ignored all that mess still happening.

“The guest house reservation starts today,” Mark pointed out and Donghyuck sunk deeper into the bed, or he tried to.

In a way, he wanted to go and sort his thoughts out where it was less busy.

But he didn’t want to be alone. He also didn’t want to trap Mark into a room.

Then again, he going switch between here and the guest house…

Go through Gangnam…

Alone…

Donghyuck felt sick.

“I also… I called mom and dad, yesterday.”

Right.

Donghyuck pressed his face into the mattress as embarrassment flooded his body.

“I’m sorry for already doing so, but it was such a mess and with the police and everything, I didn’t know what else to do and I needed someone to talk to. They have to know, too, right?”

Of course, Donghyuck knew they had to know. In a way, he wanted them to know, but he also was just as scared to hear their reactions.

Lose their love.

His family!

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Silence fell over the room and Donghyuck tried to find peace again.

They were with him, his friends, his family, they were with him, they had said so, he knew they were.

It was okay.

Everything would be okay.

He wanted punishment for them.

He had to go through this, even if it was hard.

“I don’t remember the police. I kind of have gaps. Taeil-Hyung said it was normal because of my concussion. Which is also why I have to rest. Yeah.”

More silence.

Donghyuck slowly managed to overcome the shame and turned until he could look at Mark.

Mark’s face was set in anger. His jaw was clenched, the muscles flexing visibly, and his lips in a tight line. He was staring up at the ceiling, eyes flitting around, clearly processing thoughts.

Donghyuck swallowed and turned to hide again.

He knew he wasn’t angry with him, but still.

“Hyuckie, I’m sorry for not protecting you better,” Mark finally whispered, “but I swear I will now. I… I… urgh. Sorry. They said to not let it out on you, I’m sorry. I’m just so angry with them, for doing this to you, I really am!”

Donghyuck nodded.

He couldn’t police Mark’s emotions, right?

Still, he wished Mark wasn’t angry with them when he hadn’t yet figured out how to really feel himself.

Before he was sure he was actually, really the victim and not at fault.

Then again, Donghyuck wished they’d rot in hell, too. He was being a hypocrite, but at least he could contain that to the inside of his head where no one knew what a mess he was being.

Mark being angry with them was out of his control, it didn’t really change anything for him.

It didn’t help.

“So,” Mark took a deep breath and shifted on the bed, “So. Can I pet you?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck was still longing for more touch, the right kind, the non-invasive, non-violet one, the one he needed to be happy and didn’t get in college, “Maybe be careful because of the stitches. And maybe… Maybe only the head,” just in case. He had felt safe when Jaemin had hugged him and he also had felt safe in bed, earlier, but it suddenly felt uncomfortable.

Yet another thing to over-react to.

This was just a trainwreck. He needed to get cuddles, for when he returned… to college… who knew if he’d even return…

No, stop, later!

He had plan C, or he had the title plan C and he was going to make one up in time. It was going to be okay.

For now, Mark just ran his hand between his ears, messing up his hair, and Donghyuck smiled to himself over his poor skills and enjoyed the silence in peace until Mark remembered what he had been talking about, earlier.

“Right, so, I spoke to the police. You actually spoke to them, too, it’s really weird to think you don’t remember. Or, well, maybe not, you were a little out of it. But that’s to be expected, of course. They have all the evidence for you getting hurt at strangers’ hands and our statements, so the legal process is already in motion. I’ll look for a lawyer today, so we can actually get it to succeed. But we will! For sure!”

Donghyuck wanted that.

He wanted justice. That was what laws were for. They were too few, but at least this was punishable. It was one of the things they had succeeded to establish.

Donghyuck got a small comfort from that.

He remembered the feeling of utter devastation from yesterday.

He still felt the aftermath. This loss of control, mixing in with being treated as nothing but a toy, an object. What had made him want to give up, surrender.

Once more, he stopped himself from going there and opening up the fear again. He still wasn’t ready.

So, he focussed on the positive for now. He definitely had a good chance to be ruled in the favour of, with so much evidence.

As long as they didn’t think he had actually staged it or maybe led them on, after all…

And what about the video?

His head hurt trying to sort out where all the issues were, but it was like the Hydra – he tackled one problem, two new appeared.

“Also, mom and dad, well, dad might probably come. It was really messy and they had to look for a flight, but since he doesn’t have a working permit and is just a trophy husband right now, he can. So he said.”

Donghyuck wanted them to come.

Taeil and Jungwoo were amazing, but, in the end, they weren’t his parents.

Mark and Johnny were amazing, too, but in the end, they weren’t his parents.

This felt like the kind of situation in which a parent’s support might really help. Not only him but also Mark. A lawsuit was a big deal. Mark was only 20, too, he had never been to court, so just having a ‘real’ adult there would help that situation.

Only…

“Were they… a-angry or something?”

What if they saw him at fault? Because Donghyuck still wasn’t sure he wasn’t, not 100%...

“No. Hyuckie, please stop blaming yourself, it’s not your fault, it’s theirs! They did this!”

Right.

Mark was probably not going to see what he did.

“Yeah, well, I think it’d be good because I feel a little overwhelmed with where to even start,” Mark admitted, softer, confirming Donghyuck assumptions. He had every right to be overwhelmed, Donghyuck had been overwhelmed for the entire time!

“Same,” he rolled to his back and let his tail move aside, so he could brush his fingers over it. It kind of felt wrong to do with someone else in the room. What if someone would misunderstand…

He swallowed and let go.

But it was just part of his body!

“I also feel really dumb. I mean, Taeil-Hyung had it all figured out when he was my age, right? With Doyoung-Hyung…”

Donghyuck tried to compute it in his head. Taeil was born 1988, so he had been 20 in 2008…

Wow, that had been a while ago.

“Probably,” Donghyuck muttered. Taeil was always on top of everything.

But, again, Taeil wasn’t his family, so it wasn’t the same for Donghyuck. He didn’t want to compare Mark to Taeil or himself to one of Taeil’s Hybrids.

They had been through much worse, actually gruesome fates… no, they weren’t angry with him monopolising so much attention, they were with him. He wasn’t alone, it was okay.

“Well, at least Jungwoo-Hyung hadn’t always had it figured out,” Mark muttered and then his stomach made the sound of a dying whale.

Donghyuck couldn’t help smiling at that.

“Jurassic Park?”

“The Tyrannosaurus Rex is on the run,” Mark weakly chuckled.

“I only see a cabbage-saurus, but okay.”

“Oh no, I forgot about that for a second. Argh, if dad comes early… we might have to do the buzzcut.”

Donghyuck knew Mark wasn’t serious, but he still could smile wider at the silly thought.

Taeil had had a point when saying the brain didn’t appreciate being pushed around.

All morning, Donghyuck was sluggish and feeling lazy, to the point that he didn’t find the ban to cuddling all that hard to obey.

The flat was quiet now, everyone gone save for Sicheng, Xiaojun, and Taeyong.

Sicheng was on his computer, the graphic tablet plugged in so he could work. Donghyuck had observed him for a while, but it had become boring when all he was doing, was lean forward until his nose was almost touching the screen, then hum and sit back, dabble on the tablet, and then lean in again.

He knew Sicheng was doing stuff because of him, so he didn’t want to see what was on the screen.

The Union was probably working in overdrive, how they had back when they had really started their work in South Korea during the trials in 2016. He had been part of that and every second had gone into thinking of how to make a bigger impact and get more to join them for their cause of equality.

It had been really long ago at this point. Or so it felt. Right now, he couldn’t even think of a single thing to contribute without wanting to cry again.

Donghyuck hadn’t asked what steps they were taking, he didn’t want to know. He also still didn’t have his phone, so he couldn’t get tempted.

Guanheng had left to meet with someone from the lawyer’s office that had been their partners for years now, the same the lawyer that had been Taeil’s legal representative was from. The one that kind of was Donghyuck’s role model and the reason why he wanted to become one, too.

Jeno and Jaemin had gone with him. In a way, Donghyuck was relieved because it meant it was a whole lot quieter here.

He was feeling weird for wanting quiet when he didn’t usually, but maybe it was all still wrong and needed a bit to return to normal.

But it was going to be okay, for sure.

Doyoung was at work.

Taeil, Jungwoo, Kun, Jaehyun, Yuta, and Ten were at work.

Mark and Johnny were also at a lawyer’s. The same office, just a different department. Johnny had looked ready to just split himself in the middle, so neither of them had to be Johnny-less. It had been sweet.

In the end, Mark would have been completely alone had he not gone with him. That was obviously more important.

Donghyuck had good company here and walls that kept him safe. He wasn’t doing anything, anyway.

At first, it had been Xiaojun on the old green sofa with him.

‘Want to listen to some music? It can really help, but it’s okay if you don’t want to.’

Xiaojun’s eyes had a purple hue and his fringe had a tendency to grow too long if Jungwoo didn’t cut it every other week. Right now, it was a bit too long, but Xiaojun had a scar that he preferred to hide behind it, so Donghyuck understood. He didn’t have a scar to hide, he was lucky, like usually.

‘Are we going to listen to musicals?’ Donghyuck had teased and Xiaojun had missed he was teasing and nodded excitedly.

So, Donghyuck had listened to musicals. Unironically.

He couldn’t even be petty about it. They had nice lyrics. Xiaojun had chosen upbeat ones. Donghyuck had already forgotten half of them again, but they had lightened his mood.

It had been nice for a while, just lying around and listening to music while occasionally shifting to avoid something going numb from a lack of blood-supply.

Xiaojun was the type of person to expect other people to pet his ears, which clashed with Donghyuck expecting people to pet his ears, so when Xiaojun had asked if he would be okay if he returned to his work, Donghyuck had, of course, told him to please do that.

Then, he had napped for 20 minutes, from which he had woken up in cold sweat due to nightmares.

Ever since, he had just been lying on the sofa and watching the time tick by and hopefully heal him.

Not only physically… maybe… he needed some mental healing, too.

As he thought that, he immediately felt guilty again.

He shouldn’t have anxiety, thinking he’d need help felt incredibly imposing and embarrassing. That was for people who actually had problems, serious ones.

So, he had pushed that thought away and only stared at the clock.

The flat started to smell of food and the long hand of the clock was nearing 12 together with the smaller.

“Hey, is there still space for a tired cook?” Taeyong’s nasal voice ripped him from his trance-like staring and Donghyuck nodded and rolled aside to make room.

“Thanks,” Taeyong slid on the couch next to him and wiggled his arms around Donghyuck to get comfortable. It was a bit of a tight fit, but if he managed it with Johnny, he’d do so with anyone.

Donghyuck considered wrapping his leg around Taeyong’s because it could be more comfortable, but he decided against it.

It felt wrong.

Scary.

He swallowed.

At least he could touch Taeyong.

He should be able to touch Mark, too.

Or let Mark touch him.

Immediately, his thoughts spiralled out of control with just this one setting them off and Donghyuck scrambled to stop himself.

Don’t remember!

He focussed on Taeyong’s even breathing instead. Sicheng was rummaging as he put his computer away and disappeared into the kitchen, from where he started to set the table.

It was a well-oiled machine and Taeyong was the one holding the household together. He had kind of always been, as long as Donghyuck could remember. He had always admired him.

That, of course, had not stopped him from pouring lemon juice into his water on more than one occasion. When he had been younger, more mischievous and daring.

“How do you feel?” Taeyong eventually whispered.

Like an entire mess.

“Fine.”

Taeyong waited, apparently expecting more, but Donghyuck didn’t know what to say.

“But not really, right?” he softly added, but it wasn’t so much a question.

It probably had been obvious.

Donghyuck had known, yet, he still wished he hadn’t asked.

“I... don’t want to think about it right now. Please.”

“Okay, sorry. I shouldn’t have reminded you, I’m sorry. Rather, um, you’re trying really hard to be strong, to the point of downplaying everything, and you don’t have to, you know?”

Donghyuck kept silent. He didn’t want to impose.

His own issues _were_ small in comparison.

Most of them were self-inflicted.

Most, if not all.

How embarrassing to make others worry for him when he was the one responsible!

“It’s actually not that big.”

“Maybe… maybe not, but it’s not about whose abuse is the worst, you know? It’s not a competition about who has the most terrible fate and only they get to complain. If so, we probably should all be quiet because Hybrids are dying from neglect or beaten to death out there.”

Taeyong had started stroking his fingers up Donghyuck’s ears, softly, slowly.

Donghyuck knew. That was why he had no room to feel any of this.

“I just wanted to let you know because I get it. I felt the same, for a while, like my… my worries weren’t valid, um, yeah. Because my past isn’t super hard, I was really lucky.”

It sounded ridiculous to consider Taeyong lucky. Donghyuck was not going to tolerate a second of anyone telling him his worries were irrelevant. Everyone knew how much Taeyong still disliked leaving the house because of his past. He had been set out on the streets when he had been a bit over 15, after a year he had spent in a shop where no one had wanted to buy him.

Because his voice was too deep. Because his shoulders were too broad. Because he had a cut in his left ear. Every buyer had decided on someone else. Eventually, it had turned into because he was too old and then the shop owner had decided he was done with feeding Taeyong without ever seeing money in return.

He had just left him in a corner of Seoul Taeyong had never been to.

Of course, Taeyong had looked for him, but immediately gotten lost.

Without food and without survival skills, you’d not make it for long. There were plenty of people looking for homeless Hybrids to take in and then exploit, but even the police wouldn’t help someone like Taeyong and rather make his life harder. When Taeil had found him on a nightly trip of looking for lost strays like him, Taeyong had been without more than leftovers, he had managed to beg off restaurants, for two weeks. Skinny, hungry, lonely, terrified, hopeless.

It was cruel, what had been done to him. Humans had shown their ugly faces and Taeyong had every right to feel how he did!

“Yeah, ‘am I faking my mental illness’, that’s really a fun question to ask yourself on a daily basis, and totally neurotypical, but you don’t realise because you’re stuck in that. Yeah,” Taeyong didn’t talk about this much. None of them paraded it around, but some were more comfortable admitting to their issues, some past, some still present.

That he did now…

Donghyuck swallowed and tried to cling to it, make it click in his head, but he couldn’t.

He didn’t see how this applied to himself?

“It’s valid, Hyung, you know that, right?” Donghyuck couldn’t even raise his head to meet Taeyong’s brilliant green eyes. He wanted him to know that there was no reason to feel that way.

“I do. Now. But so is your pain, Hyuckie, and I know it must be a lot because… because it was already obvious but since you tried to hide it we didn’t know. Now it makes sense and I’m really sorry this happened and we didn’t do more earlier when we should maybe have realised, but I know me being sorry doesn’t help you either, so… let’s focus on the present. I guess you might be embarrassed because I usually was even when it was out of my hands. It felt like failure. I felt like I should be fine, now, that Taeil-Hyung had taken me in and given me a safe home, but I was having anxiety attacks just over the silliest things. But that’s the point, that’s what’s part of the reaction to trauma, feeling that way, and it’s hard to overcome.”

Donghyuck wasn’t sure he was still breathing, listening to this, hearing Taeyong reflect things that were on his own heart. He didn’t have anxiety attacks, right? But, still, it all was way too similar.

No, it didn’t help that Taeyong felt sorry for him.

Yes, he was embarrassed, not only because of the position he had been in and others had seen, and due to the video still could see him in, but also because he felt like a failure.

Yes, he thought he should be fine now, here, where he was safe.

Instead of answering, because he didn’t know what, Donghyuck pressed tighter against Taeyong, feeling his body warmth seep through his clothes and calm himself.

“The more people I met, who had faced much harder fates than me, the more I understood what humans are truly capable of and what some Hybrids have to go through, the more I started to get this feeling of ungratefulness, that I’d be like this when others face much worse. Again, it’s hard to overcome and it’s really easy to compare and feel like there’s no room to talk, for me, because others’ fates seem downright horrifying to the point of my own being laughable.

“We’re all raised in those values they impose onto cat Hybrids, that doesn’t make me special, right? We all have to look our best at all times and be available for our owners, that’s what we’re told and we grow up to think of ourselves as not much more than toys, right? Everyone who sees you thinks of pornography because that’s what they made us for. It sucks, but at least I was spared the worst, right? How would I be special or have any room to complain when I had been lucky? I should be fine!

“But that’s not true.

“Every person deserves to be listened to and understood and helped. Even if others were treated even crueller, it doesn’t suddenly make the smaller abuse not that, it’s still abuse and it’s still not okay. In the end, if nothing else helps me remember that, I just try to keep the same energy for myself as for others. Because finding empathy for others, for some reason, is easier than finding it for myself. Which is why I’m telling you this. Not to say, oh, it’s normal, no, I don’t mean to say that at all because that’d trivialise what hurts you. But you don’t think about me as ungrateful or as overdramatic, right? So… you can maybe try to keep the same energy for yourself and be kinder passing judgement on your own worries and issues because they’re just as valid and important as everyone else’s.”

It clicked, in his head.

Donghyuck didn’t know if he liked it or not because the impending explosion had happened, but it had not been a big one, just a small one, or rather, Taeyong had carefully taken the lid off before it could blow up and now the anxiety was back, but it wasn’t all-consuming, just… there and… an issue… something that Donghyuck knew, and now allowed himself to think, he needed to attend to, so it could heal.

He felt more tears, which were so tiring at this point, but he could at least press his face into Taeyong’s shirt and let them be soaked up by it.

He was grateful.

For Taeyong to have let him in on this, to share it and to help him feel… better.

For Sicheng to have told him they were with him, all of them.

He didn’t feel okay, right now, really not.

But at the same time, he felt like he would, in the future. Truly okay and not just parading around as if he was, but actually still hurting.

He could go back to normal, he could find himself, his confidence and passion, he didn’t have to accept this constant fear as normal.

He didn’t have to do that on his own.

He wasn’t alone.

His worries were still important even if they weren’t as huge as others’.

It was a relief.

Like a rock taken from his heart.

“We all know you’re really strong, Hyuckie. So, so strong. Nothing changes that, it cannot be taken from you,” Taeyong was gently rubbing his back, letting him press himself against him and just try to process this mixture of relief and fear.

He didn’t feel strong.

But what would Taeyong gain from lying about this?

He was right, Donghyuck could be kinder passing judgement on himself if he tried to keep the same energy for himself.

Because Taeyong had never been found by one of the gangs running these horrific brothels anywhere, he had not been brought anywhere to be killed, nor had he been conditioned to be a fighting machine for anyone’s entertainment.

It could have been worse.

But it still had been very bad.

If Donghyuck could see how Taeyong had been lucky in some aspects but it would never compensate for what had been done to him…

Maybe…

He could try and do the same for himself?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	12. Chapter 12

Lunch felt odd. The table was very empty today, with no one back from their errands and only those working downstairs joining them.

Very empty, Donghyuck wanted to facepalm himself. There were ten people sitting here, they were nearly a football team.

Taeil had checked his pupils again and asked about his head.

His head was a bit better, but also not because he had cried for the nth time and it was starting to take a toll.

“Oh, yeah, crying-headaches, those are the worst,” Jungwoo frowned in understanding and Donghyuck tried to remember to be kinder with himself even if it was hard.

“Well, maybe we’ll actually see the skin under your eyes peeling. That would be a first!” Yuta teased and Donghyuck self-consciously touched it to check if he might be right. He had been cooling it ever since calming down about five minutes before 12 and only now stopped to pick up chopsticks with his hands.

“Dermatologists hate this trick,” Ten muttered under his breath and Donghyuck felt himself smile a little at the reference. He didn’t see the look of relief on Ten’s face because he was focussing on food.

The noodles had shrimps. There were three types of them, one vegetarian version for Sicheng and Jungwoo, one with pork for Jaehyun, Yuta, and Taeil, and one with shrimps for Donghyuck, Taeyong, Xiaojun, Ten, and Kun.

It was unreasonable to cry over shrimps and Donghyuck worried he might have actually caught Xiaojun-disease. So, he held his tears in and just enjoyed how yummy it was.

The conversation was softer, but it was still going on as normal. It might be the lack of younger kids heating it up, but Donghyuck liked it.

It wasn’t completely as normal, for that, people looked at him with worry too many times. Way too many times. It also wasn’t because people kept involving him instead of Donghyuck involving himself, but he tried to not feel like not being able to quite keep up was bad. He didn’t have to force himself into trying to seem fine, normal, or nonchalant.

To be honest, he was now convinced no one had ever bought it and it had been exhausting and frustrating, so being able to stop doing it was a relief and he ignored the uneasy feeling of failure that also came with it.

It was okay to not be okay, everyone had assured him.

They talked about the green sofa and whether or not it had always been terrible or only recently become because it was just so old. It had _definitely_ always been horribly ugly, but it made up for looks with comfortableness. Only the size was a bit too small. The two new sofas, that had been added when moving here, were about twice as big.

They then discussed if getting it freshly upholstered with a calmer colour, that’d fit the aesthetic Jungwoo had going for the living room, was going to save it or if buying a new one would be the better investment.

Donghyuck argued for the latter, but without really being passionate about it. He couldn’t find it in himself, but it was okay. At least everyone kept including him and showed him – he wasn’t alone, they didn’t hate him, it would be okay.

The thought of going to IKEA to actually buy said sofa was a whole different topic, though. Not like anyone had said Donghyuck was to join, but he kind of felt like it was his duty. After all, the Lees, due to moving a lot, were pros at going there and then forgetting half the things they were supposed to buy. It felt like Donghyuck should absolutely join if a sofa-buying-party was to be launched.

Just, IKEA was outside. He’d have to leave the house. And at IKEA, there were many humans. Strange and unfamiliar humans.

He took a deep breath and pulled more noddles up to stuff into his mouth.

Having humans around was something he’d have to deal with. They were everywhere!

Not ever human was bad either.

Just, you usually couldn’t tell at first glance.

And now, it suddenly included people who looked like the majority of those on the streets of Seoul. That made it a whole lot more difficult – nevermind that meant all his human friends, too.

It even extended to Mark and Donghyuck couldn’t do anything because it was a feeling out of his control.

What would he do if he met Renjun again?

His thoughts had gone there a few times already, right now, they did again. Donghyuck added a shrimp to his mouth. It was becoming challenging to chew because it was so full.

It was hard to decide what he even wanted, what he felt.

He was still in love. Definitely. There was no reason to not be, nothing had happened that would make Renjun any less wonderful in his eyes.

He couldn’t access any heart racing or butterflies right now. There was too much else, too much fear and negativity for them to thrive.

Then again, they said this being freshly in love thing only lasted for two years and you’d stop feeling that, anyway.

It didn’t mean he was any less in love just because it wasn’t all-consuming.

At the same time, his fears had multiplied – by about 1,000.

So, he just didn’t know what to do.

Without his phone, there wasn’t much anyway.

And Donghyuck kind of clung to that, used it as a way out and an excuse for his worries.

In a situation like this, he thought it was okay to use a way out and just hide. For a little.

The guilt still hit him, but he remembered Taeyong and that made it a little easier to accept.

By around two, Donghyuck heard Mark’s yell of “I’m back”.

He was in no position to stand up and greet him and he also never had done something like that. He wasn’t an overexcited puppy, please.

He physically was unable to right now because Sicheng and Xiaojun were somewhere half on top of him and he on them and the re-run of a variety show on the tv had been putting him to sleep.

Completely unrequested, his lethargy and tiredness were now pushed away and replaced with nervousness.

What had they talked about at the office? What next steps would they take from here on?

Donghyuck’s wish was to become a lawyer. Of course, he had already learnt about what that meant, in practice. He had consumed whatever legitimate and not-so-much-legitimate source there was, to find out what the job entailed and what he’d be doing – if he ever passed the licencing exam. That meant he had an idea of what might be to come.

Of what he might have to do.

Not just might.

Definitely had to.

He’d have to re-tell what had happened, in all details.

He felt sick.

But he wanted justice!

If only there was a way to get rid of the anxiety…

Mark appeared in the living room door and immediately found him in the cuddle pile.

“Hey, I’m back,” he repeated, getting a mumbled mix of greetings back.

Donghyuck waited for Johnny to appear, but Mark set down a bag on the table and unpacked what looked like hair dye – good call – and sweets.

“Where’s Johnny-Hyung?” Donghyuck asked, no longer interested in the show on tv. It had been boring, to begin with.

Mark paused and Donghyuck wasn’t sure what to think. Was this bad? Had something happened? But what? And if so, why was Mark here?

“He went to the gym, he said he had to leave off some steam, don’t worry,” Mark turned with a smile and Donghyuck sunk into the sofa and against Xiaojun, who hummed and stroked over his head.

It made sense.

Johnny wasn’t aggressive, he was rather the opposite, but he was protective.

Or…?

Again, the worry that Johnny might be angry with him snug into his head. That he’d stop seeing him as his little brother and stop loving him. He might not want to see him.

Donghyuck closed his eyes. He didn’t know what exactly it was that Johnny, and Mark, for that matter, had seen, but it had definitely been too much. Shame burnt on his skin, again.

He should have fought harder.

Or he should have worn something less flashy.

Was a t-shirt an invitation, though?

Or consent?

No.

No, it wasn’t.

If anyone said this was a reason to touch anyone else, Donghyuck would be furious. Or would have been – but he was going to go back to that, he was going to be okay, somehow, somewhen.

He could be furious if it happened to himself, too, he could keep the same energy, right?

Only, it was hard because it felt like there could have been some other justification, which meant it would actually be his own fault…

Urgh.

“I bought black dye because dad wrote me and his plane will be landing tomorrow morning, so this needs to go,” Mark announced and flopped down on the other sofa, the old, green one. Their cuddle-pile was hogging one of the new and big sofas, the ones that fit Jungwoo’s stylish-living-room-vibes.

“I think dad would understand, though, it’s mum who’d maybe freak out,” Donghyuck glanced up and tried to somehow work through the emotions he felt without poorly masking them but also not letting them overtake. That would need some practice before it was going to be easy.

It was much better than hiding, though. That had felt far worse. It was a sliver of hope, proof that it would really get better.

“You’re right, but I’d rather no one knows. Let’s put this to the ‘dumb shit’ file to forget about.”

Donghyuck would have never let something go into the ‘dumb shit’ file and forget. Green hair wouldn’t ruin Mark’s life, so it’d really not be an issue to be annoying about it, but he didn’t feel like it.

“Just in case you want to remember, we should take a photo, though,” he instead suggested.

“I think it’s fun, isn’t it? Idols often have colourful hair, too,” Xiaojun, ever so adorably amazed, chipped in.

“I’m no idol, though,” Mark pointed out the obvious.

“Imagine,” Donghyuck could find joy in the idea of Mark having fangirls… like… why?

Okay, Mark was really adorably awkward and humble and also smart, but still. It was just Mark. He falling over his rucksack at the airport hadn’t been an isolated case, he’d probably break several bones trying to dance how boy groups did.

“Yeah, but still, I think it looks fun. It’s like piercings in ears, it kind of doesn’t really work for us, so it’s fun to watch,” Xiaojun shrugged and started freeing himself to sit up.

It was true, some things worked only for humans, not for Hybrids, just how the instincts they had were undeniably there and couldn’t be erased.

That was why the difference between their species’ could only become small, it couldn’t, and shouldn’t have to, disappear.

“At least you think it’s fun, thanks, man,” Mark’s grin was crooked and Donghyuck also sat up, now, that the cuddle-pile had disbanded. Sicheng grunted and tried to replace them with the sofa pillow, clearly unpleased by the turn of events.

He was about to reach for his phone when he remembered it was still somewhere else.

“I’ll be taking your photo to add to the gallery of other poor hair-choices. Can I have your phone?” Donghyuck held out his hand and Mark dropped the box of dye onto the sofa to find his in his trousers.

With little difficulty, he was successful and grinned up for Donghyuck to capture this moment for all eternity. Mark’s eyes were a little too red for normal, but he looked really cute otherwise. Donghyuck smiled and swiped through the pictures he had taken, then switched it off.

Xiaojun had picked up the dye and was reading the instructions on the outside carefully. He was holding to so close, he went a little cross-eyed.

“So, um, would anyone be willing to help me? I worry if I try alone, it’ll only become worse,” Mark shuddered.

So, 10 minutes later, they were in the bathroom on the second floor. This was the one with the biggest bathtub. Mark was in a chair in the middle of it, far away from anything that might also turn jet-black if touched by the chemicals.

Taeyong was in the door, looking very worried while Xiaojun was shaking the bottle with the dye and developer violently.

“I don’t mean to say I know more about this because I don’t, but this says to first try on a strand and wait for 24 hours in case of allergic reactions,” Sicheng carefully announced. This event was too thrilling for even a tired designer to pass on.

“Oh,” Xiaojun hesitated, looking heartbroken at the revelation of not getting to experiment with fried and patchy hair.

“Nah, they just print that because of the risk of getting sued, you don’t really do that. If I survived the bleach, this won’t get me,” Mark shook his head and re-adjusted the old towel around his shoulders. It was washed out and thin, speaking of many years of use. Despite following the colour-coding, it additionally had a small tag with ‘DY’ in the corner.

Who knew, it might have already been in this household before the colour-coding had been established, after all, it hadn’t always been this huge house and this many people living together. At first, it had only been Taeil and Doyoung.

DY was Doyoung’s tag, it was used in his clothes and on some belongings. Not like Donghyuck would have to do chores here, but he had watched others do them many times.

Occasionally, he had helped, of course. He wasn’t that lazy.

“So, we can just go ahead?” Xiaojun asked, back to shaking. It was probably as well-mixed as it would get.

“Sure, yeah, try to get everywhere?” Mark shrugged.

“Maybe we should ask Jungwoo-Hyung, though. He had his hair dyed for really long,” Taeyong suggested, still looking worried the house might catch on fire from some mild chemical reactions.

“Oh, too late,” Xiaojun looked up from where he had just spread the first line of black.

Donghyuck also thought this couldn’t be that hard, so he started to comb the dye into the green strands. It felt like at least 300 hairs broke even though he tried to be gentle.

“If it doesn’t work, we’ll go with the buzzcut,” he suggested. Actually, this seemed pretty fun…

“Right, it’s the emergency plan,” Mark agreed.

Taeyong sighed deeply but seemed to accept they were going to do this.

Donghyuck and Xiaojun worked together while Sicheng started to play some classical piano music from his phone.

It felt normal.

Calm.

Donghyuck focussed on his work and nothing else came to bother him, he just enjoyed the task and the quiet.

Sicheng and Xiaojun talked about something in Mandarin and Sicheng switched the music to movie soundtracks.

When they were finished and cleaned Mark’s face up to avoid black stains, Donghyuck felt somewhat accomplished. His head was hurting a tiny bit, so he’d better take a break now and rest. He didn’t want to harm himself.

Taeyong didn’t want Mark leaving while he had colouration in his hair, but Donghyuck didn’t think the bathroom floor was inviting at all, so he left him behind and sought refuge in the room Ten and Johnny shared.

He carefully poked his head inside, but it looked perfectly normal, nothing worrying or uncomfortable or any sign he shouldn’t be here without an invitation.

He knew it was a little rude towards Ten, but he was dating his Hyung, so he’d have to accept this, right?

Right!

He didn’t think about it for more than a second and instead slipped inside, leaving the door ajar, just in case.

The mattress was a tiny bit too soft to be perfect, but it’d do for now and Donghyuck wiggled under the covers and let the faint scent of Johnny and Ten soothe him.

Against the wall was a line of plushies and Donghyuck smiled to himself.

Johnny had a very soft and big heart and his weakness for anything fluffy and cute was an expression of it. He reached out to stroke over the head of the orange tabby with the red collar, that they had bought together, many years ago. It sat right on the top, together with the slightly smaller Thai Cat plushy with the striking blue eyes. Donghyuck also stroked over its head. This one had a necklace, or rather a bracelet-turned-necklace, on, with a heart-shaped charm. Donghyuck retracted his hand and nuzzled into the pillow tighter.

Johnny wouldn’t really be angry, right? Or disgusted, right?

After all, he loved Ten and he didn’t ever speak about his past as if that changed his feelings even the slightest.

Ten was one of those, who had been forced into prostitution. He had been raped more times in his life than Donghyuck wanted to imagine.

Yet, Ten had come out on top of things, strong, witty, admirable.

If Ten had, so could he.

Definitely!

Yes!

It would be okay!

Only, there was no video of Ten out there, there were no articles accusing him of having faked it, he definitely hadn’t been to blame, meanwhile Donghyuck, what if he actually had responsibility and was still just failing to see it?

He realised he was going in circles again and took a deep, deep breath.

He should cuddle a plushy. That was what they were for, after all. He had one he usually brought with him, too. It was a Rottweiler, naturally. It was a bit too small to really give comfort, but it had to fit into his suitcase.

Of course, he didn’t bring that literally everywhere and didn’t have it on himself, but there was a vast collection here to borrow one from. Donghyuck chose the shark and rolled up with it tightly in his arms.

He must have fallen asleep.

In his dreams, he was back in the backstreet. He felt their hands, all over his body, restricting him and holding him down.

No.

Then, he was suddenly in the dorms in New York, the faces a little different, blurring in front of his eyes as he tried to escape but couldn’t.

No!

His surroundings started to shift until he was in the community bathroom, where it had happened the first time and when he had been taken by utter surprise.

No, no, no, please!

He was forced to his knees, feeling the cold tiles, and someone held his nose shut until he couldn’t hold his breath anymore.

He couldn’t breathe, even in real life, and that was what woke him.

It was routine to reach into his pocket as he gasped for air and coughed because he couldn’t fill his lungs.

He found his inhaler and shook it before taking a dose of his medication.

As always, the effect was immediate and he felt his lungs relaxing, air finally filling them.

He was cold and shaky from his dreams, so he pulled the blanket tighter around himself as he calmed down, staring at the ceiling.

It wasn’t real. It was just a dream.

He was safe here.

Slowly, he wiggled to put the cap back onto his inhaler. Donghyuck noticed it was almost empty even though it was a 200-er version.

He’d have to talk to Taeil. He hadn’t been able to bring back-up from the states because even though he could get it with little trouble, he didn’t just get it like it was candy.

It’d be better to be honest and upfront about this. Maybe Taeil could adjust him…

But the reason for his attacks wasn’t physical, it was a manifestation of something else, something he didn’t want and didn’t need and no asthma medication would solve it.

If only…

Still, continuing to lie also wouldn’t solve anything. It’d only make it worse, so, he should tell Taeil.

He was about to get up when the door was pushed open and Johnny poked his head inside. His hair was wet and he didn’t look surprised to find Donghyuck here, so he had probably already known.

“Oh, you woke up?”

“No, I’m sleepwalking,” Donghyuck teased with a small smile.

“Almost fooled me,” Johnny smiled back much wider and now stepped inside. He was in one of his many long-sleeved simple white tops and track pants. He used the towel around his shoulder to ruffle through his hair and over his ears.

Donghyuck waited until he had sat down on the bed and then rolled over a little. He caught the time on the alarm clock – 5 pm.

“Hyung, um,” Donghyuck swallowed. He knew he was being silly, but he wanted to ask. Maybe he wasn’t silly, after all. Maybe the negative voice was right. Maybe his judgement wasn’t too harsh, maybe his assumptions were right. He wanted to be sure.

Johnny looked down attentively, giving him the time to collect his thoughts without pushing.

“Hyung, you’re not… you’re not… urgh, I don’t know how to say it,” Donghyuck felt frustration but he didn’t know which words to use to convey his question.

“What direction are you trying to ask?” Johnny softly inquired, “If I’m angry? How you asked Kun?”

Donghyuck mutely nodded, it was part of the question, it was a good starting point.

“No, I’m not. I’m upset, that you got hurt, but not with you because it’s not your fault. I also feel really worried and maybe like I’d preferably wrap you into bubble wrap and tuck in here forever, but that’s just slightly overachieving instincts. I was really happy when I found you here, though, it feels like I did something right and you still trust me and know I want to keep you safe,” Johnny slowly laid down next to him and Donghyuck was so relieved to get so much information without having to try and ask for it when he didn’t know how.

It felt good to hear it. Maybe he was greedy for reassurance, but he desperately needed it.

“Did you… see?” Donghyuck wasn’t able to say more, but he felt so ashamed and wanted confirmation that Johnny had not and he’d have one less worry, one less thing to be ashamed of.

However, there was silence and Donghyuck tried to melt into the bed, the discomfort of humiliation eating him up.

“I don’t want to make you say and think about what was traumatising, but,” Johnny took a deep breath, “Well, I assume you’re asking if I saw what they did to you? Yesterday?”

“Yeah and the video?” Donghyuck felt himself shrivel up a little, but he needed to know with certainty.

“I didn’t see that. I heard… that,” Johnny took another breath, “And I saw what they did while you were struggling so much, for a couple of seconds. They stopped because Mark immediately yelled at them.”

At least he hadn’t seen that much, then. It was the relief Donghyuck had hoped for.

“Does that make it better?” Johnny seemed unsure, but it did.

“Yeah.”

“Why? If it’s okay to ask?”

“I’m ashamed,” Donghyuck whispered into the blanket, still not looking up.

It wasn’t like he had been a prude or he would have never taken pictures in lingerie for protests. There was still a huge difference between openly talking about sex and being forced into a sexual position in public or having it published after.

That the latter had resulted from the former made it impossible to keep that openmindedness Donghyuck had had. It was suddenly connected to evil, the reason for it, his fault, his responsibility…

No, stop.

It wasn’t the same, it wasn’t consent, it wasn’t an invitation.

“Oh,” Johnny seemed to not even have considered that. Which was… odd. But Ten had never said anything like this, maybe it didn’t feel the same to him?

“Yeah, it’s, um, it’s better if you didn’t see,” Donghyuck whispered because it was. “You couldn’t unsee it, and, yeah.”

“You’re right,” Johnny returned after a while, “I couldn’t have because it would have been seeing you getting hurt. I’m sorry they did it in a way that made you so vulnerable. I really… yeah, okay, this isn’t going to help. Just… I didn’t see and even if, you’re still my little Hyuckie, there’s nothing that’d ever destroy that, okay?”

Donghyuck sniffled and nodded, scooting over until he was against Johnny’s side.

He felt his hand in his hair and gently stroke over his head, soothing and comforting.

“Remember when I growled at you because you wanted to see the photobook Mark had told you about?”

Donghyuck nodded. He remembered sobbing the entire afternoon because he had known Johnny didn’t want anyone in his room, yet, he had waltzed inside and had been sure Johnny had hated him for it and it wouldn’t ever be okay again.

“We agreed to be bestest friends, didn’t we?”

Donghyuck snorted because that had been very dumb of him, but, in his defence, he had been 14.

“I… I don’t even know where I’m going with this, just, I just remember how you just felt like this little sunshine in my life ever since and… I… I’m here for you, okay? Always, there’s nothing that’d ever make me leave you.”

Normally, Donghyuck would jokingly say Johnny would if he started killing people. With anyone but with Johnny, that would be funny.

But, and this was a topic that Donghyuck would not ever talk about to another living soul, not even Mark or Ten or their parents even if they also knew, Johnny probably had a few people’s deaths to answer for – if anyone would ever ask. No one would because they had been Hybrids bred in dirty backyards for the pure purpose of fighting each other. Just like Johnny, who had not known another life and had not known it was immoral to kill.

It was a dark and terrible past, one no one could ever fully forget, which was punishment enough for crimes committed unknowingly.

It didn’t make Johnny any less sweet and loving.

He was still the most wonderful and loving older brother to Donghyuck, nothing would ever change that, nothing would ever make Donghyuck leave him.

So, if he could feel this for Johnny…

Johnny could feel it for him. He could keep the same energy.

“Thank you,” Donghyuck whispered because it had been exactly what he had needed and the relief and gratitude were freeing.

They just laid in silence for a bit. Donghyuck listened to Johnny’s heartbeat and it helped ground and relax him. Johnny was still slowly petting his head, helping Donghyuck stubborn brain to process what he had said.

He knew it was so silly to have doubts when everyone was nothing but amazing. It felt like this inability to just believe it and the need for re-confirmations could be a new source of guilt and anxiety, so Donghyuck tried to leave it be.

“By the way, I had your phone. I turned it off, but I saw you had a ton of messages… do you want it back?” Johnny sounded like he knew that Donghyuck didn’t.

“Tomorrow?”

Johnny hummed.

“Tomorrow is more than enough. Or the day after tomorrow, once you’re ready.”

Donghyuck nodded.

Maybe he would not be ready tomorrow.

He knew, if he could, he’d look up the articles and read them even if they made him feel terrible. He felt like he needed to know what people would read about him, no matter how irrational and harmful it would be to torture himself like that.

With everything still so fresh and so much, it was better to have this high hurdle to get that information. He could focus on his immediate problems first, then what the public thought. If he had the chance to turn that around, he knew he’d lose focus again and not take care of himself how he should.

Guanheng and the others were helping him taking care of that. He could rely on them, they were here for him, they were with him, how Sicheng had said. There wasn’t even much he could contribute, at least not much that would actually help and not just accidentally make it worse because it could be taken out of context or something.

Donghyuck took a deep breath and forced himself to let go of that train of thoughts. Once more, he focused on Johnny’s heartbeat, soothing and even right against his own chest.

“Mark’s hair is back to black,” Johnny softly said, filling the comfortable silence.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yep, Xiaojun was excited and Taeyong relieved. You can see a bit of green in the right lighting and it looks fried, but it’s not the dye’s fault.”

“Na, we can’t expect miracles. I took a picture of it, though, in case we want to laugh in the future.”

“Good. I knew you would have,” Johnny chuckled and Donghyuck felt the vibrations of it in his own body, “It’s the type of thing to add to a photo show on his wedding – if he’ll ever have one.”

“Not if he keeps dying his hair for girls’ kisses, he won’t.”

“Maybe he needs to stop going to frat parties, I doubt that’s where you meet anyone for eternity.”

“If all the movies I’ve been watching are to be trusted, it actually is.”

“Right, in that case, I’ll take it all back and will support it with all my heart from this second on.”

Donghyuck felt himself chuckle and even though it wasn’t all good, it was so much better, so, so, so much better. He could just ignore the tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, and newly added forest fire going on and sip his cocktail in his beach lounger.

A knock on the door interrupted them and Donghyuck looked over to see Jeno poke his head inside.

“Oh, hi! We’re back and I wanted to make sure it’s all good,” he smiled and his eyes crinkled up.

“We’re strictly monitoring the situation,” Johnny returned in a mocking overly-serious voice.

“Actually, everyone is sending their regards and well-wishes. I told them you don’t have your phone, but they totally understand and Yerim-Noona said to just throw it out, at this point. But, yeah, her, Seojeong, Sookyung, Harvey-Hyung, they all want me to wish you lots of strength and tell you they’re working super hard to help get justice. Also, proof-reading the essay is not so important, Harvey-Hyung said. Just so you know, we already had some articles taken down, so we’re absolutely going the right direction to success! These stupid news-outlets didn’t even know what hit them!” Jeno nodded and even more relief flooded Donghyuck.

Those were good news.

Very good news.

Almost good enough to not notice there were only four humans extending their wishes…

“I’ll read his essay tomorrow, no worries.”

“Only if it’s truly comfortable for you, remember! Also, Renjun came with because he said he definitely, under any circumstances, had to talk to you even though Guanheng threatened to strangulate him if he wasted your time. He’s been a little scary since yesterday, actually… nevermind. Renjun wants to talk to you!”

And just like that, Donghyuck was swept off the beach lounger, cocktail rudely spilt, and found himself pulled underwater into the ocean, then ripped up and flung through the storm, right into the burning forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So idk how to proceed from here bc I'm currently extremely stuck with the story, but I still have a few chapters ready. I'm just worried I'll run out of things to post... In case I do run out, I really hope I won't, I hope you'll have patience to wait longer for chapters, but I really don't know what I'm doing rn bc I've finished a pretty big arc and now what OTL
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like thank everyone for their encouraging comments. I think it really helped me and I actually decided I want to keep posting and maybe even a bit more bc I want your feedback, it helps me improve the story line and is definitely a source of inspiraction bc you all have such interesting ideas and different insights and interpretations ~

Donghyuck had never come to a conclusion what he wanted to say to Renjun.

Or what to do.

Or what to feel.

It was probably dumb to follow Jeno through the house, dragging Johnny along in the hopes of that making it easier, to go downstairs where Renjun was waiting.

No, not just probably.

Donghyuck had been on a streak of truly dumbass decisions the second it came to Huang Renjun ever since setting foot on South Korean soil.

But no one was stopping him, least of all himself.

Renjun was in the living room, standing around as if someone had forgotten him there. When he heard them, his head snapped up, eyes wide and puffy, probably similar to Donghyuck’s own. Not as bad, but no one was going to beat him today, he had been crying _so_ ridiculously much. Getting competitive over swollen eyes was very silly, but Donghyuck also felt weirdly excited to because of how ridiculous it was.

Just thinking about fun non-sense was the best sensation right now, it felt so normal, so relieving, and it gave him so much hope.

“Oh my god,” Renjun breathed and took a step forward, then immediately paused in the same second that Donghyuck felt a buzz of fear run over his skin, that made him freeze where he had been coming closer.

Ah, of course, it’d be like that.

Donghyuck felt himself grow upset, but tried to suppress it. He didn’t want to cry anymore, he didn’t have to aim for more swelling and redness, he was already winning in all regards.

Having such a reaction to the people you loved was hard, though. Especially when it was the person you were in love with, romantically. The only one who should get to touch Donghyuck how he had been, the only one who should get to see him like that.

Well.

“Hi, I heard my extremely popular and highly demanded presence was requested here?” Donghyuck asked, feeling a bit dorky saying such bold words, but also kind of right.

“Next you’ll be offering autographs again,” Jeno giggled and nudged their shoulders together.

It felt good, so good, to joke like this.

He could somehow work together with the anxiety and fear and still smile. He would figure this all out, it was going to be okay.

“Do you want one? It can be arranged,” Donghyuck suggested, but his eyes were never leaving Renjun, who was still staring at him as if he was seeing a ghost.

It didn’t really help, but Donghyuck guessed… there was probably a lot on Renjun’s mind, too.

“To add to my collection? No thanks,” Jeno shook his head.

Donghyuck wanted to make another joke, like how their worth must have skyrocketed, but it didn’t feel right. Maybe, hopefully, he could joke about this in the future, but he wasn’t there yet, it still hurt too much.

“Do you want one?” Donghyuck instead asked Renjun, who startled in his spot as if they hadn’t been speaking the entire time.

“N-n-no?”

Donghyuck shrugged and wished he knew what else to say.

He wished he knew what to feel.

He wished he knew where he wanted to go from here.

He had no answers.

Not even one.

“You can borrow my and Jaehyun-Hyung’s room if you want to talk more privately,” Jeno softly suggested and looked around. Johnny was still next to them, lingering, and Sicheng was back to work on the living room table while Jaemin and Guanheng were observing them from the sofa.

It felt…

Very awkward.

As if Donghyuck was an idol and someone to stare at and follow the every move of.

“Sounds good.”

Unfortunately, the awkwardness followed them.

Oh, also, the anxiety.

This was turning into the longest day in Donghyuck’s life.

At least that meant more time until he’d be back in the states.

Would he go back, though?

After this?

More things to think in cycles about… so, he stopped.

He had done so much of that today, he finally had figured out how to halt the thoughts and focus on the here and now.

So, that was probably good.

Or was he blocking reality to live in delusion?

There wasn’t much space in the room. Jaehyun and Jeno had a king-sized bed they shared because they both were little cuddle-monsters, but that took up a large amount of the room available. There also was the TV and the gaming station, as well as the closet and the bookshelf full of their prized possessions.

No desk or chairs to sit on.

Donghyuck shuffled over and sat down on the edge of the messy bed. He had no room to judge because he remembered the junkyard he, Mark, and Johnny had been living in because neither of them liked cleaning up.

He still judged. Just a little. Donghyuck was the type of person to do that, so.

Renjun remained standing, hand still on the door handle as if he was prepared to flee.

Donghyuck took a deep breath.

“How was your exam?”

He had worried about that.

“My what?” Renjun once more startled to reality.

“Ex-am? The one you wrote today?” Donghyuck carefully pointed out.

“Oh, yeah. That. I don’t remember. I think it went okay. Hopefully.”

So, he had been distracted enough. Donghyuck stomach sunk.

It was his fault, he had gotten into such a mess and he had also misled Renjun before that, made such a drama from nothing…

Embarrassment flooded him. Guilt.

“Can I… sit down?” Renjun whispered and Donghyuck nodded, not daring to look up. He felt the bed dip next to himself, but he still didn’t look.

What did Renjun think?

He tried to recall the feeling of relief from earlier, but he was so nervous, so scared, it suddenly was gone and he was back to feeling terrible.

“Is it okay to ask how you are?” Renjun’s voice was small and full of insecurity.

“Yeah, unless you don’t really care,” worrying about others, wanting to hear how they were, was what decent people did. He understood why he had asked, which made the question even more thoughtful, but Donghyuck wondered what to answer because there was too much to even fit into several sentences.

“I do care. How are you?”

Donghyuck stared at his hands, watched his tail move back and forth in agitation below them.

“I’ve been wondering the same thing, it’s kind of hard to answer. I think it’ll be okay, though. Thank you for asking.”

The silence was thick, stiff, and Donghyuck felt like he was talking to a stranger and to the other half of his heart at the same time.

“Is that why…” Renjun took another deep breath and Donghyuck tried to swallow past the nausea, “Is that why you don’t want to give us another try?”

It wasn’t accusatory, luckily. But it was full of misery and Donghyuck wished he knew what to feel and what to say.

It was what he would have had to tell Renjun before taking that chance that Renjun had offered.

What he was sure he didn’t understand, even now, that it was out.

He didn’t feel ready to ask. He had been brave enough to ask Johnny, but that was all used up for the moment.

“Yeah,” was what he answered instead.

Renjun didn’t reply, but he shifted and Donghyuck glanced over to see him rub his face, pat his eyes.

He hated it when Renjun cried.

It made him feel like crying, too.

“I understand,” Renjun whispered, voice scratchy from tears, “Oh, Donghyuck, I’m so sorry, I can’t even say how much, this…” Renjun sniffled softly and brought his legs up, pressing his face against his knees. Donghyuck wanted to reach out and comfort him. He wanted to make him smile and happy. He wanted to right what was wrong.

But he couldn’t.

He was too scared, too confused, too overwhelmed.

He didn’t want Renjun to be sorry.

“It’s not your fault, though,” Donghyuck muttered because it wasn’t, right? Why should Renjun feel sorry? It didn’t make sense.

“No?” Renjun seemed confused and looked up, eyes shiny and so, so pretty.

“If anyone, it’s my fault,” Donghyuck swallowed thickly. It still sounded right in his head.

“No, what? How is that your fault?” Renjun look baffled, then started shaking his head.

Right.

Donghyuck swallowed and ordered his thoughts.

“Let’s not talk about it,” he didn’t want to before he had made his mind up for sure.

“Okay,” Renjun whispered back, “Okay, I don’t think I’m all that qualified. Probably. I feel unqualified.”

Donghyuck felt a small smile despite everything.

“Same.”

Renjun’s eyes lingered in his face, staring, and Donghyuck felt himself grow nervous.

He couldn’t deny the fear.

But it wasn’t all, he also felt a spark of love.

It would be okay, in the future. He could overcome this.

Donghyuck let his hand creep over the sheets until he bumped into Renjun’s. Slowly, he pushed it under the other’s. Renjun waited for a moment, then made it so Donghyuck’s could slip his fingers between his. He gently closed them and squeezed just a bit.

Donghyuck had to swallow thickly, but not because of fear. For a second, it wasn’t there, he could only focus on Renjun, on how Renjun touched him without hesitation as if nothing had happened.

“Can you… can you forgive me?” Renjun’s voice was soft and shaky. Donghyuck stared at where their hands were against each other. His skin was still pale, but not as pale as Renjun’s, that was like snow, “I just, I understand how… terrible this must be and I wished… no one was this awful and would have hurt you. If you hate humans now, if you think it will never work, I understand, really. I’d let it go, being entitled and pushing you is the last thing I want to be doing. But I also don’t want to just give up, I… I already tried, but I can’t. I love you, so much, Hyuckie,”

Their eyes met and Donghyuck stared back, tried to find any sign that it would not be safe to place his trust in Renjun, any hint of a lie.

There was nothing.

No anger, no disgust, no accusations, no disappointment.

Shouldn’t he have higher expectations for Renjun?

He wasn’t the type to be so shallow.

He was the type to listen, understand, respect, and change his behaviour.

It was why Donghyuck loved him.

“It’s not going to be so easy,” Donghyuck heard his voice tremble, too. Was this the right thing to do?

It was what his heart wanted…

“I know. I don’t care. I’m willing to be strong. We can take whatever pace, I will do my best to help you if I can.”

Donghyuck swallowed, “Yeah, also because I don’t think the others will be so thrilled.”

The silence was heavy.

It wasn’t like they needed anyone’s approval, but still.

It wouldn’t make this easy if they didn’t have it.

“I know. I’m prepared to face that whenever it’s time to. I was a coward for saying I couldn’t and for breaking up with you. I let you down last time, but I regret that, more than anything. I’m willing to commit, this time,” Renjun’s words were straightforward, spoken with so much confidence, Donghyuck knew they were the truth and nothing else.

Donghyuck was still in love, too. He regretted breaking up, probably just as much.

Would that be enough, though?

“I have to figure out a lot of… stuff.” Donghyuck muttered and looked away, staring at his jogging pants because he felt ashamed, guilty, like a failure.

“Yeah. I know. I… like I said, I want to help you if I can,” Renjun’s thumb slowly started to rub over the back of his hand and a small tingle tickled under Donghyuck’s skin. Not from fear, no, it was a good tingle.

“I don’t know if I can be strong right now. I think I can’t,” his voice was just a breath, but he needed honesty as a foundation for this to ever work, didn’t he? As long as he still was brave enough to, he had to do the right thing!

“You can take all the time to heal you need. I understand, at least as much as I can without being in your shoes. It doesn’t change anything about my feelings. I’m no longer scared. I’m just as much in love with you, if anything, it makes me want to be there more,” Renjun returned, just as softly, “I waited for 17 months to say this, to try and get this chance. I know this is what I want and I know I can wait or fight, anything, it’d be worth it, it’d be worth you!”

He had seen the mess Donghyuck currently was.

He knew what had happened.

Yet, he still felt this way.

He still loved him.

Because he knew Donghyuck could overcome this with time and he wanted to help him to do so and he understood and respected him despite everything.

“I feel like my brain will explode,” Donghyuck really did.

“Did I say it too over-the-top? I didn’t know how else to,” Renjun sounded insecure, how he tended to easily do.

“No. You didn’t. Actually, I appreciate how you said it,” Donghyuck squeezed his fingers a bit tighter, “It’s just a lot, to… process and… I was so sure if anyone found out it’d be over and no one would accept and try to understand it, but I was mightly wrong. Even though I hate being wrong, I’m glad I was in this case. I need it a little over-the-top because it’s still hard to really get.”

“That’s a relief then. I… I wished you hadn’t had to hide it before, but… I think I’m being ignorant if I say how could you have thought we’d think badly of you?”

Donghyuck heard himself chuckle weakly. Yeah, maybe he just really didn’t see it?

But he was trying to. He was trying to be kinder with himself and have higher expectations for the others.

It was going to be okay.

“Renjun, I…” Donghyuck managed to look up because it was too significant to hide. He wanted to not have to, he needed to not have to for this to work! “I’m being dumb and irresponsible by wanting to pursue it even though I feel like an entire mess right now, but I want to.”

Renjun nodded, blinking away tears.

“Okay. Okay, we, we should be careful, okay? So you can heal and not be overwhelmed, okay?”

Donghyuck took a deep breath and nodded. It wasn’t a failure, he was just taking the time he needed.

“Maybe take it slow? Don’t tell the others for now?” Donghyuck didn’t know if he could take that right now.

Not with the experiences and the mindset right now, not with everything else on his plate.

“Yeah. We should. We need to figure it out for ourselves first, right?” Renjun nodded.

Donghyuck felt like kissing him, it’d fit, it’d be right, wouldn’t it?

But the fear was too big, the shame still burnt in his stomach, so, he only squeezed Renjun’s fingers tighter.

“Thank you,” the smile he felt on his face was genuine. He was grateful.

And happy.

Very happy, even though he was also still very scared and very ashamed. It was an odd mixture, but he could figure it out, he was sure of it.

“No, thank _you_. After all, it was me who broke up, wasn’t it?” Renjun muttered and genuine regret was clear in his face.

“Well, it takes two, doesn’t it? I think we were both responsible,” Donghyuck shrugged and shifted over the mattress. A tiny bit closer. Just a bit. Just as much as he was comfortable with. Maybe he could rest his head on Renjun’s shoulder?

Yeah.

He could.

Renjun held still and Donghyuck adjusted so his ears didn’t get folded.

For a second, there was silence.

“You can breathe, you know?”

Renjun gasped for air and the situation was so absurd, Donghyuck felt himself laugh.

“I mean, I just don’t think it’s like that because you suggested staying together long-distance but I was the one who was too scared, so.”

“Renjun, you know what your weakness is?”

Renjun paused and turned his head a little.

“You always try to take all the blame and responsibility.”

“Yeah, great, looks who’s talking.”

“Excuse you?” Donghyuck knew Renjun was right, kinda, but he also thought he was being realistic, kinda.

“I said what I said,” Renjun softly returned and Donghyuck couldn’t even be bothered to argue. He didn’t want to, but he also thought Renjun might have a point.

If he could see the issue with Renjun, he could try to keep the same energy for himself, right? He could be kinder passing judgement on himself.

It made life a little easier.

“Will you pet my ears?” Donghyuck softly inquired because the longer he could be close but never lose control of the situation, the less terrifying it was.

Renjun had said he wanted to help him and he already was.

“But they said you had a split skull!” Renjun sounded very concerned and Donghyuck couldn’t help giggle at that.

“It’s just a cut, on my god, it sounds like my brain was visible through a gaping gash!”

“What do I know if Jaemin is telling the story?”

“Well, don’t you know we all love to overdramatise? You can tone things down by 200% in any situation and it’s probably still over-stating the actual events.”

Renjun’s fingers were careful, weaving through the natural soft curls.

“The cut is also in the back, so don’t worry,” he muttered.

“Okay. I’m sorry you got hurt,” Renjun repeated himself.

It didn’t help that he was sorry, but it helped how this situation was difficult and emotional, but positive nevertheless.

Donghyuck sighed happily.

He should be purring, he realised.

Had he even, ever since coming here?

Now that he thought about it, he didn’t think he had. He hadn't even had time to worry about it, there had been so much on his plate already, so much fear and anxiety, he had forgotten to purr...

He also hadn’t sung, when he had usually done that all the time.

He surely didn’t feel like singing, but he could take another deep breath and try to relax his chest to allow his vocal cords to vibrate softly.

The purr was tiny, but it somehow felt so incredibly right and good, Donghyuck felt new tears.

He could overcome this. It would be okay.

“I have one exam tomorrow, plus the day after and then I’ll be done,” Renjun softly supplied.

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.”

“Thanks. Do you already know what you’ll be doing?”

Donghyuck wrinkled his nose.

“Now that you mention it, no. Minjun is going to come tomorrow and Mark will sleep at the guest house today, but other than that, I don’t know.”

“And you?” Renjun sounded concerned.

“I’ll sleep on the living room floor, as usual, you know Taeil-Hyung is like that,” Donghyuck deadpanned.

“One time you think you’ll be spared the roast,” Renjun sighed and smiled a little. It was cute.

“Never,” Donghyuck closed his eyes for a second.

“Wouldn’t really want that, anyway.”

It wasn’t unexpected when Donghyuck woke up shaking and gasping while the sun was just rising over Seoul.

He wasn’t too tired, he had taken enough naps the day before, so he decided to just get up and try to start his day as normal. He climbed over Guanheng without waking him. It wasn’t even hard. Unless it was Ten, it’d need a hydro bomb to get him out of here a second earlier than absolutely necessary.

No one else was up yet, but Donghyuck appreciated it because it meant he felt a bit less stressed about taking his morning shower.

He still hated falling water, but just the thought of soaking in a tub made him sick. Maybe in the future, he could, but right now, that felt much too unsafe. He had already skipped it yesterday because Taeil had said the stitches needed 24 hours to close before water and soap were allowed near. It had been a good excuse to not shower at all, but it was starting to become grosser to not than it was scary to do it.

Personal hygiene was important – not only to him but, hopefully, to most people. It was normal and part of everyday life. It was okay that it was difficult now, but it couldn’t stay that way. He’d overcome this! He wasn’t sure how would be best, but Donghyuck found going through walls head first to be a wonderful strategy in 9 out of 10 cases.

So, he forced himself to fling his pyjama on the floor and hopped into the cubicle.

He didn’t even wait for the water to turn warm. The steady fall of drops made his skin crawl and he had to work against his instincts that strongly recommended to jump out of the way. At least the temperature rose from Antarctica to pleasant relatively quickly and made it a bit more bearable.

He used body wash first while he let his hair get wet and cursed when something hit right in his ear.

This was also why showers sucked big time.

He wasn’t sure whose this was, but he also didn’t care. It had a fruity scent and Donghyuck liked that. It looked like a drugstore in here, a collection of products to choose from over the three-storied metal baskets.

Donghyuck switched to shampoo, the one with the ‘cat Hybrid friendly’ tag on. Honestly, as long as it was Hybrid safe, it’d work for all. The people who might want to be careful with what products to use were those with long and fluffy tails, like Jaehyun and Xiaojun. Those seemed like a terrible hassle to maintain.

His own tail was easy and Donghyuck was grateful he didn’t need to spend hours brushing it because, even in the solitude of the bathroom with the door extra securely locked, he felt uncomfortable touching it.

It sucked and he wished he didn’t. This had already been okay-er yesterday, why was he taking steps back rather than forwards?

It was just his tail. It was super cute and stripey and soft.

Unbiddely, his thoughts went back to what had happened.

Sex-toy, it echoed in his head. Of course, they’d think a tail on a sex toy was made to play with and would give them pleasure.

Donghyuck forced a deep breath and tried to let the guilt and fear wash away.

Turning the water off was a relief. Donghyuck grabbed the white guest towel and wrapped himself into it, hiding away. He quickly turned and checked how the cut on the back of his head looked, but it had survived the shower and the shampoo well, so he let his hair flop over it again.

Donghyuck didn’t bother with body lotion or even fully drying himself. He was desperate to get clothes back onto his body and only once the last sock was on, did he feel normal-ish again.

He borrowed the conditioning spray of someone and used the hairdryer on the lowest setting and just comfortable temperature. As long as it wasn’t too hot and too windy, he really liked the feeling it gave him.

His hair always looked a little frizzy if forced to dry fast instead of allowing it so just do its thing, but Donghyuck ran his fingers through it a few times and the strands were easily appeased.

His eyes were still puffy and red, but far better than they had looked last night. Donghyuck patted his own cheeks. They were kind of hallow, weren’t they…?

Well, better get to breakfast then. Donghyuck smiled at his reflection. He looked like a clown. A cute clown, though… yep, definitely cute. His smile became more genuine as he allowed the compliment in his head.

Of course, it was immediately followed by a crashing wave of doubt and fear, but Donghyuck didn’t stick around to watch that happen. He waltzed from the bathroom and threw his pyjama into his open suitcase, next to where Guanheng was un-walkable in his bed.

Just like the vacated hallway, the kitchen was weirdly silent and empty, only the clock was ticking and the fridge made humming noises.

Where did he even start? There was usually cereal and soup? But also rice? And Jaehyun’s toast and jam?

Donghyuck didn’t know his way around more than how to get snacks here. Snacks also was a false advertisement. In this household, that mean cut vegetables or nuts if Taeyong felt real crazy.

There used to be a time when Jaemin and Jungwoo had lived across the river in Wangshimni and Jaemin had puppy-eyed himself into excessive amounts of sweets.

Now, that they no longer did, Jaemin and his sugar-cravings had been reigned in severely by Taeyong being the one making most the decisions on food and ten other Hybrids clocking him for trying to get special treatment.

Donghyuck wasn’t so sure what had been there first, Taeyong’ obsession with a healthy diet and balanced meals or Taeyong’s love for Doyoung, who couldn’t just eat whatever he wanted to because his body was unable to produce insulin anymore and even supplementing it, he had to watch his food with hawk eyes.

Both of them had known each other for far longer than Donghyuck had known them. They had already had this weird dynamic of nagging and bickering 24/7 while simultaneously willing to take a bullet for the other when Donghyuck had met them. They still did that even though they had gotten together at some point, Donghyuck didn’t remember when. Out of all the couples Donghyuck knew, the two had the most arguments, by a long shot.

Always over very relevant topics. Who had turned the spoons in the dishwasher, who had stacked two instead of three glasses, who had put the medium-dark-blue sweater next to the light blue sweater when, clearly, it belonged next to the medium-light blue.

Any other couple would have probably long broken up over constantly getting into each other’s hair over, basically, nothing.

It seemed like it was the basis of their relationship, though, it just worked. It was only the trivialities, they’d fight over, never deep-rooted issues.

Donghyuck was sure there was a connection between the food and the love, even if Taeyong might have already been hyper-focused on whole-grains and unsaturated fats growing up.

Which brought him back to the issue at hand. Donghyuck knew for sure they’d cook rice for breakfast and also warm up soup, but he didn’t know where to find it and much less how much. Instead of attempting and most likely ruining everything, he started to set the table. It only included putting a reasonable number of glasses into the middle and then adding two jugs of water. He was finished rather soon and unsure of how to proceed.

That worry was taken off his hands because Jungwoo came to join him in the kitchen, still yawning but stopping in surprise when he noticed Donghyuck.

“Oh, good morning!”

“Morning. I wasn’t sure how much rice and soup to make,” Donghyuck explained and gestured to the stove.

“That’s a question I also ask myself on a nearly daily basis,” Jungwoo muttered and shuffled to the fridge. Donghyuck tried to not move away. It was okay, Jungwoo would not hurt him, his fear was misplaced.

Jungwoo pulled a huge container out and opened the lid, then moved over to get a big pot, into which he filled a generous amount of the soup. He actually didn’t know how much. His eyebrows were furrowed and he added another small splash, then another, then put it down before apparently deciding it was still not enough and picking a spoon to get more vegetables from the bottom of the box into the pot.

Slowly, the fear that was buzzing under Donghyuck’s skin calmed down.

He was in control, no one wanted to take that from him. Like yesterday, it got better with just proving himself he had no reason to fear Jungwoo.

Jungwoo turned on the heat and leaned down to see how big the flame was. He looked a bit dorky and Donghyuck was able to relax against the counter.

“When did you wake up?” Jungwoo asked while he opened the cabinet and pulled out a bag of rice.

“Half an hour ago or so, I think. I already showered,” Donghyuck knew this was the bare minimum, but he felt like pointing it out and internally patted his shoulder because, well, it had been scary even though it was kind of embarrassing it had been. It really was, though, showering? That was as basic as it got! Now he felt like facepalming and roasting himself, also, there his anxiety was, he had not missed her for the last three minutes…

This was difficult.

“Did that work well? It’s always such a hassle with fresh cuts. Would you let me check?” Jungwoo’s brows were furrowed in worry.

Donghyuck swallowed. He could do this!

“Yeah, sure,” he slowly turned around and ran his hand through his hair to push it up and reveal where the sewed wound was.

“I’ll get a bit closer,” Jungwoo softly narrated and Donghyuck was so grateful he did because he wasn’t surprised when he heard him and felt his presence right behind himself. He could handle it and Jungwoo was helping him.

It was okay, he wasn’t alone, it wasn’t failure, no one but himself thought it was.

“Careful, I’ll lean closer,” Jungwoo mumbled and Donghyuck’s body tensed, the fear making his heart race. He couldn’t see Jungwoo at all, but he wanted to trust him because he knew he was not going to harm him.

Just what if…

“It looks really good, wow, I’m impressed, you took good care of it,” Jungwoo stepped away and Donghyuck immediately twisted around again.

He had done it!

Relief made him smile dumbly.

“I didn’t touch it, how Taeil-Hyung said to,” Donghyuck burst out. This, he could really give himself a pat on the shoulder for! He deserved it!

“Awesome,” Jungwoo’s smile was cute and Donghyuck took a step closer while Jungwoo turned the water on to wash the rice, “Ideally, we’ll be able to pull them out in two weeks, so you’ll have to be gentle until then. Probably after, too. The good thing is, that the scar will be hard to notice.”

Donghyuck nodded. It already was impossible to see it unless he pulled his hair out of the way.

It wasn’t like he’d care.

On the contrary.

He had gotten seriously hurt by them, to the point of getting this scar. If he wanted to really put them on blast, he’d get himself an undercut with the hair short on top so nothing could block the view. He wasn’t above instrumentalising this proof of his pain to make it easier for an outsider to understand.

Especially after they had dared to claim he would have faked this!

Just, what if he actually was to blame? He still wasn’t sure because he might be?

The fear was there. It was loud and uncomfortable, making him twitch and nauseous in anxiety from just the thought of stepping onto a podium to talk about how intolerable the treatment of Hybrids was and how absolutely necessarily laws were to protect them.

But he knew he still wanted to do it. Once he had this fear under control and sorted himself out a bit, he was going to go back.

They targeted him to shut him up.

He was not going to let them win.

He was not going to shut up.

Especially not after this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	14. Chapter 14

Even before nightmares had chased Donghyuck from the bed, Johnny had already left to pick up Mark to head to Incheon airport.

“He’s really working to make it a second home,” Ten shook his head and then held out a red something. For a second, Donghyuck didn’t know what he was doing, what this was supposed to be, but then he recognised his phone.

“Well, there aren’t many people left he’d want to pick up, are there?” Donghyuck swallowed and had to force himself to reach out and accept the device from Ten.

He quickly put it under his leg so he didn’t have to see it and remember there were probably countless messages and a ton of unpleasant news on it. The ones he’d not, reasonably, delete but read, once he’d get the chance to.

“That’s true, but who knows? Next thing we know, he actually becomes a professional welcome-back-er,” Ten shrugged and sat down with his cereal.

“Sounds like the perfect job for Jeno, don’t you think?” Donghyuck smiled across the table, where Jeno’s head had snapped up at the mention of his name. His brows were raised and he had this cute expression he did whenever he was adorably confused.

“Eh?”

“Actually, it does! Imagine, I’d fly to Japan every day two times to be greeted back by you!” Jaemin chirped and butted his head against Jeno’s shoulder with a beam. Donghyuck’s eyes flitted between the two for a second longer.

No, Guanheng was right, he shouldn’t meddle.

He had his own relationship to try and build up again, he didn’t need a side-project, really not.

“That’d be so terrible for the environment, Nana, think of your carbon footprint! Individual travel already is the worst offender in that!” Jeno gasped and Jaemin pouted. He was very good at pouting, but Jeno was completely immune to Nana-puppy-eyes.

“It’d be worth getting greeted back!”

“I’d welcome you home anywhere else! Don’t I already?” Jeno now pouted as well. They were really cute, weren’t they? Donghyuck watched the two bicker over whether Jeno was doing enough greeting back and whether or not Jaemin had any room to speak since he didn’t even put in nearly as much effort as Jeno did – allegedly.

Ten got half the newspaper from Kun, who was trying to make Xiaojun stop feeding him. It was a losing battle because Xiaojun kept saying things in Mandarin with wide eyes and Kun had less of a chance than a tub of Ben and Jerry’s outside the Burj Khalifa in July. Donghyuck wasn’t interested in more detrimental news, such as world war three maybe happening after all. His own, personal, seemingly endless supply of depressing topics would suffice, so he turned away from where Ten was now reading.

Jungwoo walked by the still bickering no-longer-puppies and ruffled Jaemin’s hair as if it was a reflex.

It was all so homely.

The love they had for each other was almost palpable, so obvious and beautiful.

They were a family, a very close one.

But they weren’t Donghyuck’s family.

Suddenly, this terrible feeling of loneliness opened in his chest again.

He tried to take a deep breath and dispel it.

He wasn’t alone.

Yesterday had proved just how much everyone here was with him, understood, and everyone still loved him how they had before. He had completely misjudged the situation.

He…

He probably wouldn’t go back. He didn’t have to worry about the three months running out.

Still, he felt like everyone had left him and he was all alone.

It was crushing, cold, so awful he felt tears rise to his eyes.

No. He knew how to stop this! He wasn’t going to let it torment him!

Donghyuck slipped off his chair and marched over into the kitchen, where Taeyong was currently discussing the grocery list with Taeil.

He wasn’t even sure why he wanted it to be Taeyong. Probably because of what Taeyong had told him yesterday and because he was standing rather than sitting in a chair at the table, which would make cuddling hard.

“So, rather than turkey, I’d suggest just getting chicken because it’ll be on sale, oh,” Donghyuck didn’t care which type of poultry Taeil was going to buy, but he thought Taeyong could probably discuss this while Donghyuck was hanging off him, so he just attached himself to the older Hybrid.

“Don’t mind me,” Donghyuck muttered and pressed his face into the back of Taeyong’s shirt. It was soft and Taeyong warm and the feeling immediately got better.

Taeyong adjusted his arm to wrap it around Donghyuck and gently ran his hand over his back and smoothly picked the chicken sale back up.

“Also, I read they’d have the baby bell peppers this week. They’re only 2% more expensive than the regular ones, but so cute!”

“2% isn’t much,” Taeil didn’t sound worried. Donghyuck wasn’t sure how their budgeting worked, he also wasn’t sure how tight the budget was. With so many people to feed, dress, and supply daily necessities for, even the salary of two full-time working and well-known doctors, revenue from a book, and the pay from professional summits had to be somewhat strained.

He knew those who worked paid for rent and a flat rate for food, but most of the Hybrids were employed with Taeil and Jungwoo, so it was a circular mechanism.

Then again, it wasn’t like they were anything short. Probably because they planned well and responsibly. Taeil also had had the money to open his own office fresh out of uni, so he might be secretly stacked or something. It didn’t really matter, his character was what was important, and Taeil was just short of a saint.

Taeyong stroked over the hair in his nape now and Donghyuck let himself relax a bit more and purr happily. He had missed this without even realising he had. It was just right that it was back, it felt so good. The talk over vegetables and rice was a bit boring, so, Donghyuck tuned it out and focussed on how warm Taeyong was against him.

This was so nice. He felt so much better.

He internally patted his back for having done this.

See?

He’d be okay!

In the end, Donghyuck conveniently ‘forgot’ about his phone on his chair and instead helped Taeyong with laundry, then with cleaning a perfectly clean bathroom, and finally heard the door open and a loud “We’re back,” announce the return of Johnny, Mark, and their father.

Donghyuck had been doing so well with controlling his thoughts and thus his emotions to keep it all manageable, but the moment he realised they were really here, it all spiralled out of control. His stomach turned, his heart started racing, and his fingers became shaky where he had been folding socks.

“Oh, they really took their time, huh?” Taeyong glanced up at the clock and Donghyuck guessed they had, it was already 11 am.

He kind of wished they had taken more time.

He kind of wished he didn’t feel this burning shame, this deep feeling of failure and guilt, but it was constantly simmering in the background and now had exploded again, making him want to stay here and hope no one would come to look for him.

He felt terrible. He wanted to cry. He wanted this to just stop.

Please.

Essentially, Minjun was here because of him. Not necessarily only for him. Mark had said he kind of needed support, but if Donghyuck hadn’t gotten himself into such an unfortunate situation, he wouldn’t have needed any support.

It was his fault… He was making them bend over backwards to accommodate instead of just being strong and sucking it up…

“Can I help you make it easier?” Taeyong suddenly asked, voice soft and his hand snaking around Donghyuck’s shoulders.

Huh.

So, it was this easy to read him?

How dumb to think anyone had ever been fooled.

He might as well just drop the act. He already had, for the most part, and he felt better. He shouldn’t go back even though his head kept saying he had to mask what shouldn’t be. Doing that would be a lie and everyone would know. Donghyuck didn’t want to lie to them, he had already done way too much of that.

His head was wrong and he had to tell it so, even though it was difficult.

“Tell them I just left. You know, the scene in Scott Pilgrim where he jumps through the window and then hurries past behind Knifes? That, I want that,” Donghyuck weakly chuckled.

It sucked to feel this way about his family.

Admitting it made it suck worse but also relieved him.

“This is the first floor, though, I don’t think we can do that,” Taeyong patted his back.

“Dang. Well, get it over with, right?” Oh joy, he was looking forward to this. Donghyuck, now scared of their father, wow.

“You can do it, okay? We’re all here to help and support you,” Taeyong reminded him.

It helped.

A bit.

But he was still scared and had to almost be pushed out the door.

If only they had never gotten him, neither back in the dorm nor here.

If only he had fought harder.

If only he had never given them ideas.

Donghyuck felt so frustrated because he recognised the thinking pattern as bad, but it was the thing his brain kept going back to it. If he could only turn that off, it’d already help immensely because he’d not reinforce his own negative feelings connected to the situation and all its consequences.

The thought that he might need help for that crossed his mind again.

Could he really… it wasn’t that much, there were people who had problems far worse than he had. He was being over-dramatic.

Urgh, no, stop. If they’d only let the worst case get help, they’d only need one doctor for one case. How ridiculous! You didn’t not see a doctor only because while you currently had a broken leg, someone else might have cancer and the broken bone was the less terrible fate.

But some of the people living here had been very close to dying, Donghyuck never had been, he…

“Donghyuckie!”

Donghyuck realised Taeyong had manoeuvred him through the hallway while he had been busy with his mental breakdown.

“Aigoo, I missed you so more than I thought. I always only realise once I get you back how lonely Haneul and I are without our children.”

Donghyuck swallowed. He had missed him, too. So much more than he had realised until he now heard his voice, deep and familiar.

Minjun didn’t look much changed from Christmas. His hairline was receding, but it had been for a while now. The colour was not much greyer than it had been either. Visually, he was no different. His smile was bright and genuine. Mark took after him quite a bit, only the lines on Minjun’s face were deeper.

Donghyuck felt fear run over his skin, his stomach dropped and he almost took a step back when Minjun took one towards him.

Why?

He hated this!

He didn’t want this!

Why had they done this to him?

He wanted to be happy to have their dad back, he wanted to work on becoming better quickly.

No! No, he wasn’t going to let this gain control of him! Minjun was the man who had helped him become who he was now, one of three who were his endless luck, who had saved him from a terrible fate, who loved him.

He had higher expectations for them than pushing him away now that he had experienced the terror of the world and the unfairness that Hybrids faced.

This was his dad! A dad would always love and support you, it was their job!

With a sob, he stumbled two steps forward and even though he was as tall as Minjun, he was caught with a small groan and held tightly in a hug.

“Oh, Donghyuckie, hey, I’m here,” he heard against his ear, but it didn’t make it go away. He clung onto the shirt, but he couldn’t ignore it.

Shame, fear, anxiety, guilt, failure washed over him and he felt his body shake all over, but he didn’t know how to stop. He couldn’t stop.

He hated this!

Why?

He wanted to be okay, please.

But he wasn’t okay.

“Hyuckie,” it was clearly Johnny’s voice and Donghyuck concluded it was he who touched his arm and started to rub it up and down.

“We’re here,” Mark gently added.

Donghyuck wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse because why was he being like this when he had so many people in his life, when he was so unbelievably, incredibly lucky?

Why?

_Because they had hurt him._

That was why he was being like this.

They had treated him like he was worth nothing, his word didn’t count, he was a sex toy – an object, not a person.

It wasn’t lucky to have to suffer through that. It was very unlucky and it was normal to not be okay after that. Rape was not something small and insignificant to shrug off – one, two, a hundred times, it didn’t matter how often, it was okay to not be okay.

Donghyuck felt his lungs cramp, the realisation resulting in a physical reaction. He knew he had to calm down if he didn’t want to start coughing.

He wasn’t alone, it was okay. He paid more attention to the hands on his back, his arm, and his head, all reassuring him, letting him know they were there. He could gain strength from them.

No one pressured him to pull himself together, Donghyuck was allowed to take his time, but he needed to get it together for his body and health.

It was an odd combination, but it helped. He slowly stopped trembling and he managed to take slower breaths, not as deep as he wanted to, but that was normal when his lungs closed up. He needed his reliever medication and to take it, he had to calm down.

Which he did.

Donghyuck patted his eyes and blinked them open, trying to not give in to the feeling of shame and embarrassment.

He remembered his talk with Johnny yesterday and that helped him a lot as he slowly supported his own weight again and pulled away until Minjun was right in front of him, still patting his head.

His smile was still there, but more compassionate now.

“Sorry,” Donghyuck mumbled, unsure what else to say.

“No need to be. It’s much better to let your emotions out than bottle them up,” Minjun assured him and Donghyuck nodded weakly.

He still had to take his salbutamol, so he reached into his pocket and shook his inhaler.

It was very empty. He had to talk to Taeil. Today, preferably.

It was all a lot.

A lot-a lot.

“Taeyong, would you happen to have some water for me? I forgot how hot Seoul was. London doesn’t heat up the same way.”

But this felt like… it was okay that it was a lot and life would still go on and he’d eventually return to normal. When Minjun reached out for him, Donghyuck didn’t jerk away, but he immediately leaned closer for touch and comfort and he nearly cried again just because it felt better.

“Yes! Yes, I do!”

It was a little before one, so before the office officially opened again after the lunch break, when Donghyuck found himself in the same room he had been in during his first day.

The lunch break had been kind of odd considering no one really knew their dad, but their dad was good at making conversation. Donghyuck had very fondly watched how he had found his way around people he knew from stories and pictures and videos only or from brief prior meetings.

He just had this way of asking the right questions, between small talk and deep conversation, where anyone asked would feel understood and respected and seen. Obviously, this was a very unbiased assessment.

Biased or not, it had clearly worked because when Taeil and he had left, Minjun had still been talking to Kun and Jaehyun. Jaehyun usually took weeks to warm up to people and Kun would politely stay out of strangers’ ways if he could.

Despite the good talks he must be having, he had considered taking their dad, just because it seemed like him being here made Donghyuck suddenly figure things out and accept them just because he was… well, his dad?

He had then decided against it because he could trust Taeil almost as much. If he’d get overwhelmed and not figure it out, he could always get back-up later.

This wasn’t the room in which he had left Jungwoo without telling him anything. Taeil and Jungwoo had two rooms each and didn’t usually mix.

He had apologised to Jungwoo, but he knew an apology was worthless without action.

“So,” Donghyuck cleared his throat. His heart was hammering in his chest and he wanted to be an immature child and just leave, again.

Which was ridiculous, considering he had asked Taeil if he could talk to him.

“So?” Taeil repeated when Donghyuck still didn’t say anything. Finding words was proving to be difficult. Yet again.

Maybe he could start with something a little easier. Something he also wanted to say.

“I want to say thank you for everything. I really appreciate it,” Donghyuck couldn’t even find it in himself to look up, but at least his words sounded how he had wanted them to.

“It’s a matter of course, for me. Whatever I can do to help, I could never not do. You’re very welcome.”

Donghyuck nodded and felt a smile tug on his lips.

“You really are like an angel,” he glanced up and Taeil looked surprised even though he knew he had been told before.

“Maybe. I read it’s a form of narcism,” Taeil shrugged. Donghyuck wondered if Taeil secretly also had a weakness. Maybe he shouldered too much onto himself from the goodness of his heart or maybe he felt too much for his patients and his kids and thus couldn’t fall asleep at night. It didn’t seem like he had one, but perfect people didn’t usually exist, even the most benevolent person had some hidden flaw.

Donghyuck realised he was trying to escape what he had come for. Which was probably also a weakness.

“I wasn’t honest about… about my asthma,” he blurted out, holding eye contact because if he so much as looked away, he’d not dare to say it anymore, “I have attacks. They’re bad. And too many. I get nightmares and wake up unable to breathe almost every day. No. Um. Every day, sometimes more than once.”

Taeil’s face turned from grinning over narcism to serious, but not angry, not judgemental, not upset.

Donghyuck swallowed. This was the right thing to do even though it was hard.

“Okay. Thank you for being honest about that. I can’t say I’m surprised, but I obviously cannot help you unless you open up,” Taeil’s smile was sad and Donghyuck wished it wasn’t.

He couldn’t police Taeil’s feelings. He’d be sad for someone else, too. He could be kinder with his judgement.

“Since the body is one organism that works tightly together, mental and physical are very closely connected and the more we learn, the more we realise just how much,” Taeil had scooted to his desk, where he clicked into Donghyuck’s file in the computer, “Especially something like asthma, that’s constantly simmering, can be very much affected if things get unbalanced. Now, the problem is that I’m not the one who can grab the issue by its root. I can see how it affects you and help you control that, but I can’t fix what causes it.”

Taeil was back at the patient bed and found Donghyuck’s eyes even though he was trying to escape them.

“How has your reliever been helping you? Was the dose usually high enough?”

Donghyuck nodded, glad to be back to familiar territory.

“I just use more,” he explained softly, “Overall, not each time. I’m almost out.”

“Okay, that’s good, though. I don’t want you do use less and compromise on being able to breathe, but let’s keep it as low as we can. We could have gone up a dose, but whatever we don’t have to do, we won’t. I’ll give you a prescription for your refill. Since your lungs perform well other than that, I don’t think changing controllers will have an effect. I’ll not go back to your old dose, though, for now, so you’re already on slightly higher ones as is.”

It made sense to Donghyuck and he found himself nodding a little while Taeil clicked around on the computer again, probably for his prescription. He always had to get those printed in the front, with Sooyoung and Ten.

However, it seemed like Taeil wasn’t actually done because as Donghyuck been about to get up to leave, he returned and Donghyuck stilled again.

“Now, I just explained I can’t fix what is causing your asthma to get worse.”

Right.

“I’d very much want you to get better and tackle the source of the issue, though. I don’t often do this with my patients because it’s a difficult topic, but you know you’re nothing short of mental abilities in comparison to a human, so I feel comfortable speaking to you on this.”

Donghyuck swallowed and nodded.

“I know.”

“Good. I’m glad you do because you’re a very smart and very courageous young man.”

Donghyuck sniffed. He knew he was smart. Was he courageous… he didn’t feel it. Just how he didn’t feel strong even though Taeyong had said he was.

“I’m not trained to help you with what hurts on your soul. Just like the mind-reading, the switching from normal human needs to functioning on photosynthesis only has not yet been unlocked, so I have limited time and thus skills because I inconveniently have to sleep,” Taeil smiled and Donghyuck felt a bit better because that was funny, “I don’t want to make any diagnosis and I don’t want to suggest any treatment because I’m not qualified to do that, however, I am qualified to recognise when I’d want someone to see a professional for more help than what I can provide. I’d really like for you to please let someone help you, so you can overcome the nightmares and everything else I’m sure is heavy on your mind right now.”

Donghyuck sniffed again.

But there were people much worse off than him, who surely needed the support more than he did! He’d take up a doctor's hours and they couldn’t help someone like Taeil’s kids, who’d been through hell and more.

“I obviously can’t force you how I could my kids, though most went willingly… well, there was Jaemin.. and Xiaojun… also Sicheng and that entire mess…and Yuta…” Taeil looked like he was lost in memories for a second and Donghyuck felt himself grow even warier.

Yes! Xiaojun and Yuta and Sicheng and Jaemin, who had had _horrific_ lives before coming here.

“I also went a few times because it just became too much. So I can tell you for sure it helps – a lot. That’s pretty much were my influence ends, unfortunately.”

Donghyuck’s train of thoughts was stopped, downright derailed in his head.

What had he just said?.

“You went? Why?” he burst out without even thinking for more than a second. Usually, he never thought much, he spoke his mind and people had to deal with it.

Taeil had gone there? But why? How? He was always doing the right thing, he was always on top of any catastrophe! He was perfect! And a human! He had not even been through the humiliation of the yearly evaluation the breeders’ unions did on all registered Hybrids!

“Parenting is difficult. Seeing your kids suffer and being unable to just make it go away and let them be happy and healthy… that’s extremely difficult. I would have kept going until I would have reached my breaking point because that’s kind of what I do, but I do have a better half, who looks after me, right? Seeking help, regardless of what your situation is, isn’t shameful but really important so you can then, in turn, keep helping people.”

Donghyuck had never considered that.

But it made sense.

He remembered when he had heard bad news from Heaven in the past. Especially when it had been someone he was close to, it had been difficult. He had cried even though he had never cried much after the first couple of months with the Lees.

He had also cried over Johnny whenever he had found out something new and terrible. Secretly, though. Their father had helped Johnny to become better and Johnny’s huge heart had helped, but his past was unchangeable.

Once more, Donghyuck’s thoughts came to a screeching halt.

Their father! Minjun! Of course! He was just a trophy husband right now! But he was a psychologist! Jobless! He’d not take anyone’s time away from them if he asked him to just check what Taeil couldn’t! He’d know if there was actually something wrong or Donghyuck was just overreacting.

Then again, what if it was how it was with Taeil and seeing him not well would hurt him?

Donghyuck groaned and rubbed his hands over his face and into his hair.

“A penny for your thoughts?” Taeil asked softly and Donghyuck groaned again but pulled his hands off his face.

“It’s currently a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, and forest fire and I’m trying to chill on the beach but I can’t.”

Taeil’s eyes widened in surprise and Donghyuck chuckled.

“Well, it does sound stressful.”

“Yeah. So, since you’re a dad, too, maybe you know, though? Our dad helped Johnny-Hyung to become better, but since you said it’s hard, you know, urgh, I already hate what I want to ask!”

Be kinder passing judgement, Donghyuck told himself, but it was difficult. He felt ungrateful and ashamed to even mention Johnny and himself in one sentence when one of them had been conditioned into a fighting machine and toy for a bloodthirsty audience’s entertainment.

Donghyuck took a deep breath. Toy, huh? They had that in common. It wasn’t absurd to draw a comparison. Rape was also terrible in different ways. He did deserve help.

Taeil didn’t push while Donghyuck re-ordered his brain.

“So. Um. Do you think I could ask him if he could help me, too? Just maybe to check if I even need, you know, help? Or could you ask him? No, no, I can do it myself!” Donghyuck didn’t want to be babied where he didn’t need it.

Taeil had his lips pursed and looked unsure, but just how he had given Donghyuck time, he had to do the same thing even though it was difficult to keep still and just watch while he was still battling insecurities over what he had asked.

Finally, Taeil seemed to come to a decision.

“I think it’s a good idea to ask. He and I are not the same, he might have completely different coping mechanisms than me. And more experience, surely. Especially if he helped Johnny before, it sounds like he would want to and know how to help you as well. However, it’s just a question, keep that in mind, alright? He has the right to turn you down and that wouldn’t be anything personal, okay?”

Donghyuck nodded slowly.

Nothing personal…

He felt his chest grow tight.

Asking for help wasn’t shameful.

“Could you actually ask him, after all? If he says no, I’d rather not have been the one. I’d probably take it dramatically personally,” Donghyuck muttered, facing the fake leather of the patient bed under his hands.

“Yes, I can do that. I appreciate how honest you were with me and I know it’s not easy at all.”

No.

It wasn’t easy.

Just the thought of having to leave the safe four walls of Taeil’s house was scary to Donghyuck.

“What did you pack? Rocks?” Mark groaned as he struggled to pull his suitcase down the stairs.

The sun was shining brightly. She had passed her highest point hours ago and was starting to lower herself as the afternoon progressed.

Still, her rays were warm on Donghyuck’s skin and he found it wasn’t as terrible as he had feared. He focused on how nice and warm and bright this summer day was and took another step outside, following Mark.

“I have my collection of pet-rocks with me at all times, of course. Do you ever leave the house without?”

Mark groaned again. His hair looked very suspiciously matte and green-ish in this light.

“I’m not surprised.”

“Let me take it,” Johnny passed Donghyuck and tried to take the suitcase from Mark, who immediately said how he had to build muscle strength and Johnny obviously didn’t. Donghyuck watched them bicker over his luggage for a moment. He knew he was being spoilt, but with two people fussing, he had never really had to carry his own heavy belongings anywhere. Just a tiny bit of whining and Mark or Johnny would want to take it.

Donghyuck had to remind himsefl of how his own definition of what he considered spoiling and what not was not universal. It was just his.

He could expand it – it wasn’t like there weren’t always people accusing him of being a brat. At least in this aspect, Donghyuck didn’t give a single f about what those people thought. It was just battling his own dumb brain into calming and accepting more.

He was getting there, though. His brain would realise it was the weaker party in this. Totally. Donghyuck was more stubborn than a donkey!

“If I find your stuff in my closet, it’ll be mine,” Guanheng announced from where he was in the door. It was as though Donghyuck was leaving to never return…

No. No, he wasn’t going anywhere, he was just going to stay at a guest house, together with Mark and their father! He had decided to rather have a bit of quiet and peace!

But the anxiety had already taken control and made it hard to breathe.

Donghyuck reached into his pocket. Then he stopped. Asthma medication wouldn’t help him, not really. He had a new prescription from Taeil, to get a refill from the pharmacy, but he didn’t want to take it when he didn’t need it.

Medication against loneliness was hugs!

“Don’t you dare!” he marched back and poked Guanheng’s forehead forcefully.

“Boys, the taxi is waiting,” Minjun called from the street.

“Just kidding. Take care, okay? See you tomorrow,” Guanheng had grabbed his arm to pull him closer and Donghyuck let him. The feeling of unbearable loneliness in his stomach calmed and he hugged back tightly.

He had gotten so many hugs. It was wonderful. He deserved them.

It would be okay.

“See you tomorrow.”

See? Tomorrow! That was soon!

“Yep, see you then,” Donghyuck pulled away and gave another wave before he turned and marched down the tiny path to the street.

See? This was fine.

It sounded like he was jinxing himself for the next mental breakdown.

But it didn’t come.

He slid into the car to sit down next to Mark and Johnny closed the door, waving after them and looking like it didn’t sit right with him to not also stay at the guest house.

It was difficult, with instincts, Donghyuck understood, but he thought this was the right choice because he wanted to get back to normal and normal meant Johnny lived here, with his boyfriend and his family.

Yes, it wasn’t the same as it had been in 2017, but change was part of life and accepting that was also part of what Donghyuck would have to work on now.

His tail was in the way and Donghyuck huffed and helped it to free itself while the driver already pulled into traffic.

“These are the moments during which I seriously hope my fate is predetermined and this taxi ride is as well and doesn’t risk my life unnecessarily,” Mark whispered. Donghyuck understood where he was coming from because – what were traffic rules even?

Not like he knew them, he didn’t have a driver’s licence. There were a few countries in which he could get one, nowadays. Not here, but it wasn’t completely impossible.

“Wanna hold my hand?” Donghyuck teased, but Mark actually grabbed it and held on as if Donghyuck had any way at all to provide safety in the event of a crash.

He didn’t. He wished he had, but superpowers weren’t something that came with being a Hybrid.

Wait, actually, they did. His senses were much better than a human’s.

Donghyuck smiled to himself.

“Boys, I’m looking at restaurants now, do you feel more like barbecue or sushi?”

Minjun turned his phone and Donghyuck squinted.

“Ah, dad, did you fix the brightness to the lowest level again? How do you even see anything like this?” Mark scolded and used his free hand to fix the screen.

“Well, I was seeing… oh, look at that, this does look a lot better. Thank you, Mark.”

It was always the same. Their mum was okay-ish with technology, their dad was just a complete dinosaur, who’d use his smartphone with his index finger only and constantly almost break it if not stopped.

Donghyuck relaxed further into his seat and felt a feeling of warm comfortableness wash over him.

Good. He’d try to hold onto it.

Because it felt so good.

So normal.

“I want sushi.” “I want barbecue.”

Donghyuck gasped and pulled on Mark’s hand.

“How can you pass up some good fresh fish?”

“How can you pass up dad paying for good Hanwoo?”

“But good fish is even harder to find and more expensive, what are you talking about?”

“Imagine some nice, marbled steak, come on, Hyuck!”

Donghyuck puffed his cheeks and glared at Mark, still squeezing his hand.

Okay, it wasn’t totally normal, he wouldn’t normally hold his hand and Mark wouldn’t normally falter from just this, but it was pretty good.

Pretty very good.

Plus, he’d get some sushi out of this.

“We could go have the barbecue tomorrow, we have all the time in the world!”

Donghyuck let that sink in.

Did they? He had spent all the time focussing on the three months he had here.

If there was a plan C… if… if he had that… he could abandon the deadline.

He knew plan C would be better. He knew staying here was what he wanted.

Doing plan C wasn’t giving up.

Not at all.

If he decided to do plan C, he could already de-stress severely. He could help his anxiety.

Though… that…

He probably needed help for that, too. He deserved help for that. He would get help for that if he needed it.

He didn’t want to go back to lies and he wanted to become better. Some things, he just didn’t know. Telling Taeil about how severe his asthma had been hadn’t been a good feeling, but he had taken him very seriously and that had been a huge relief, much bigger than the discomfort of opening up.

Daily life was a challenge right now, but Donghyuck wanted to face it and show himself he was doing the right thing.

Donghyuck wanted to be honest, so he could get better, overcome this, and through doing so, he could return to being who he was and doing what he loved.

Huh. That sounded like a good plan, didn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is where writer's block hit me. I went back to edit Chapter 1-14 and add to them and re-write them and I still couldn’t figure it out and then I decided to do something really drastic to save this: I switched to Renjun’s POV. Enjoy ~

_[from: Donghyuckie <3] _

_How was the last exam?_

_[to: Donghyuckie <3] _

_I don’t even know_

_I ranted for three hours and then turned it in without proof-reading anything_

_*screaming emoji*_

_At least Harvey was on cloud nine after you sent him his essay back and said how good it was even though there were so many typos ~_

_[from: Donghyuckie <3] _

_Yep, it was pretty good other than that._

_[to: Donghyuckie <3] _

_How was your morning? How do you feel?_

_Are you free later?_

_[from: Donghyuckie <3] _

_Morning was okay? Minjun + I did that talking thing, which was also a learning thing_

_I’ll be going to someone else bc he said I was not just overreacting_

_Idk how to feel_

_But at least I’m 2% less sick about having to tell this to lawyers and then to a judge now._

_So that was fun_

_I’m free though ^^_

_[to: Donghyuckie <3] _

_Patt patt <3_

_Can I come over?_

_[from: Donghyuckie <3] _

_Yeah, well, turns out that I tried to get away from the rowdiness and noise, but the rowdiness and noise invited themselves over. You’re very welcome to join, too, it’s nice and tight <3_

_[to: Donghyuckie <3] _

_I’ll definitely be there in 20 minutes or so <3_

Renjun hurriedly put his phone into his pocket when the bus arrived and hopped up the stairs. The AC’s air inside immediately gave him a shock-cooling and it was like his body could breathe again. It was only June now, it would get even hotter, but Renjun was already done with summer.

He sat down and hugged his backpack to his chest, then pulled his phone back out, but Donghyuck hadn’t replied after his confirmation. Not like he had to, he was probably curled up and getting lots of ‘ear-pets’.

Renjun opened the profile picture he had on Kakao. It was the same he had had ever since December. For Donghyuck, that made it ancient and Renjun had often wondered why he had kept this one and not put the selfie of the week in its place.

Now he knew.

He sunk down deeper into his seat and stared at the brilliant beam on Donghyuck’s face where he was between his family, the Tower Bridge in the background lit up beautifully.

He had not seen one of these ever since he had returned.

They were missing. Painfully so.

Renjun took a deep breath and tried to not tear up.

It was difficult. Everything was always difficult, it seemed. Maybe someone had cursed him upon birth, for this bad luck to keep following him? He attracted it like a magnet.

He also had good luck with some things. He had gotten this spot at university, which was such a great opportunity to study. He had made so many friends, pretty much by chance.

He had never expected that when he had been given that list of Hybrid doctor offices in Gangnam to go and try to educate on euthanasia, three years ago. It felt like a different life, Renjun felt like he had been just a dumb child back then. He hadn’t even known cat Hybrids could purr, but been set on making the world better for them because no one seemed to care about them, just how he had felt like no one cared about him.

No one listened to them, just how no one listened to him.

Pessimistic thinking was a weakness of his, he knew and he tried to not, but especially when he was stressed, the world seemed incredibly unfair and miserable to him.

It might feel like people didn’t care about him, but they cared about him more than about any Hybrid.

It might feel like people didn’t listen to him, but they listened to him more than to any Hybrid.

So, he had decided to use this small privilege to change the world for them.

Changing the world was very difficult, though. For him… but even more for any Hybrid. For every step he took, they had to take ten.

Renjun leaned his head against the window to feel the summer heat seep through it and radiate against his skin. He always connected the sun to Donghyuck, to his boyfriend. Even though he wasn’t shining as brightly right now, his tan was faded and pale, just like a cloudy day, Renjun knew that he wasn’t gone.

He wished he knew how to help him come back, how to help him heal.

He wished no human thought themselves above Hybrids, he wished the world was willing to change faster, so Donghyuck would have never gotten hurt how he had.

It was sickening.

Disgusting.

Renjun was ashamed to even call himself a human after he had seen what had happened and after he had read the articles written on his boyfriend.

No lawsuit could make up for the harm done.

No lawsuit would change they’d write the same things again given the chance to.

His bus stop was announced and he picked himself up to get off.

The heat hit him like a wall and Renjun wanted to just ride the bus to the final stop to escape her. Instead, he hurried down the block of houses towards his destination.

The first time Renjun had been in this neighbourhood, he had felt like everyone had been staring at him, feeling pity for his simple, second-hand uniform and well-worn shoes. It had felt like that for the second, third, and so on time.

It still felt like that, even though he now lived in Gangnam, too. He didn’t belong to expensive houses and branded clothing, at least he didn’t feel like he did.

The guest house was high up, sharing the building with several restaurants. Renjun relished in the cold the staircase offered and considered to take the stairs. He still felt sticky with sweat from the street and if he moved more, he knew it’d get worse. He pressed the lift’s button and waited for it to arrive.

No one asked him what he was doing here, which was a bit odd, but hotels were like that. They’d take care of people once they cause trouble, Renjun guessed. Donghyuck had said their room was number 127, so Renjun carefully walked down the hallway, looking for the right door.

There!

He heard voices through it, faintly, much too soft to understand them. He was glad everyone was showing Donghyuck love and support. He was glad there were so many people to rely on. He wished he could have not left his side ever since he had gotten the awful news, three days ago, but life had gone on and he couldn’t afford to skip out of it.

Renjun took a deep breath. The memory was still so fresh. He had texted Mark to tell him Donghyuck had left him, crying, and if he had gotten home safely – but he had not.

He had started to look for him wherever he could think, but he had no idea where to start and all his guesses had been wrong.

He had felt sick in worry and guilt because he had even let Donghyuck leave, but at the moment it had felt wrong to hold him back – and he wouldn’t have known what reason to give to make him stay.

Finally, Jaemin had texted him that Donghyuck had gotten hurt, called him to tell what exactly had happened to him through tears.

Renjun had thrown up.

Just hours later, unable to even close his eyes in his quiet room, he had found the first articles dragging Donghyuck through the mud and making light of the violence done to him, including footage that no one had permitted to ever be shared – or be filmed.

He had been too spent and exhausted to even cry more.

It always felt surreal to read the exorbitant numbers of how many Hybrids, especially bunny and cat ones, experienced sexual harassment and rape.

Renjun knew more than one rape survivor. Where he had landed that day when he had been on his first solo-activity to try and change the world but his own world had gotten changed, had been an office called Heaven. It sounded a bit cheesy, but it fit. It was a heaven for those lost and alone. Many different people had found a home there, most of which with the genetic modification that made them different from humans – Hybrids.

Going there to preach about euthanasia being immoral had been quite the waste of breath, in retrospective, but it had still been his biggest luck no one had known Taeil had never practised any of that. Saying his world had gotten changed sounded dramatic and corny, but it was the truth.

Renjun wasn’t at home there, but he felt more comfortable than where his grandparents lived and he was officially registered as a citizen at. He got better life advice and more understanding from Taeil and Jungwoo than from those who had been in charge of raising him ever since he had been five years old.

It was a heaven for anyone looking to find it.

Still, all those cases had felt more distant. Their abuse had been ended long before Renjun had ever met them. All those had, by now, happened years ago.

Ever since, while not the entire world, many things _had_ changed.

Yet, this had still happened and to Donghyuck. Admittedly, if it had been anyone else, it wouldn’t have felt like this.

Renjun was in love with Donghyuck. He was special, precious, wonderful.

So, this hit differently.

He felt so powerless. So useless because he had let this happen and not somehow stopped it. He didn’t even know how.

Just like he didn’t know how to help him now.

Being there for him, surely, that would help? He wanted to do that for him, he wanted to be there, all the time, preferably, so it wouldn’t ever repeat itself.

He couldn’t, of course, so he was glad to know there were so many other people in Donghyuck’s life, all supporting and wanting to help him.

Renjun brought his hand up and knocked on the door. The voices got louder, but nothing happened.

He startled when his phone vibrated. Donghyuck? Why?

“Hello?”

_“Hey, we’re too lazy to get up, sorry.”_

Renjun couldn’t hold a snort of laughter.

 _“It’s comfy!”_ Donghyuck whined through the line.

“Okay, well, am I to leave then?”

 _“Come on, it’s just a number lock, you can figure it out, right?”_ Donghyuck chirped. It was common knowledge he was a genius when it came to cracking the codes used on any door and nothing could contain him.

Renjun had no such talent.

“Hyuckie, please!”

_“Yes, yes, of course, are you ready to type?”_

“I am!”

“ _0606!”_

Renjun groaned. His birthdate? He should have taken that guess.

He pushed the handle down and Donghyuck was already looking at him, pout on his lips, “Don’t give me the attitude now!”

“Injoonie!” Jeno moved to get off the bed with a beam, his tail wagging and arms opened for a hug. He could have probably opened the door… but his instincts only kicked in on sight. Renjun didn’t usually hug his friends to greet them, but he always hugged Jeno because Jeno considered that standard protocol and found it extremely important.

Some things just had more value to Hybrids and Renjun could accommodate for them, of course he could. Even humans were different from each other and most would remember to respect differences, so why would it be impossible to do the same for Hybrids?

However, the tiny bed being currently occupated by five people meant Jeno freeing himself required Yangyang to shift, which then let his knee knock into Jaemin’s head, who groaned.

“Owwwww!”

Jeno paused in worry, turning to check what had happened, and Renjun winced in sympathy.

“Oops. I’m sorry. Thank god it was just your head or I would have worried something might have gotten damaged,” Yangyang giggled and patted Jaemin’s hit skull.

“I’ll let you know my head is worth more than yours. I’ve sold 50,000 necklaces when I had that swipe up link in my story, I wanna see some proof you can do anything close to that.”

“I do that in my sleep, talk about the sweet sponsorship-money Nike sent me, how do you wanna compete with that, huh?”

Renjun was still fascinated by getting to witness the influencer lifestyle from behind the scenes. Well, neither Jaemin nor Yangyang lived in LA and they also were small fish in comparison to the heavyweights in the industry, but it was already a lot.

Needless to say how proud he was of them, to have achieved this much success in their field. He was also a bit proud to have helped even make this possible. Of course, his own part was small, but it was exactly why he did what he did, why he spent all his free time to come up with more headlines and concepts to attract people’s attention, why he figured out how to squeeze an impossible amount of schedules into a day and how to distribute tasks between members of the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation to get everything done. It was so they’d get to live self-determined lives, protected and respected by the law.

He could not walk the walk for them, though. He was a human, he already had all these opportunities. He could only help to open doors and demand his rights become theirs too, but doing that and succeeding was a wonderful feeling.

Jeno finally got to hug him and once he let go, Renjun found his eyes travelling back to Donghyuck. He smiled when he realised Donghyuck had already been looking and Renjun felt his heart bounce in his chest, how it liked to do around him. His eyes were still blood-shot and swollen, how they had been for days now, he was still looking chalky and skinny, but the smile was genuine and not plastered on.

He was so pretty when he smiled.

“This might get really tight,” Donghyuck looked around the 100 x 200 cm mattress space.

Nothing inside Renjun made him want to fit himself on there. In fact, there were a million other things he’d rather do, especially after having walked through Seoul’s summer minutes prior.

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

Donghyuck nodded and Guanheng stretched his arms over his head as he yawned, “Human-free zone it is then.”

Jeno somehow wiggled his way back into the cuddle pile, albeit with a bit of grunting and groaning from those he had to push around to make space.

“Listen, I said I had found a good thing in you getting bigger because there was more to cuddle, but I’m having second thoughts,” Donghyuck whined. Renjun truly didn’t relate to Hybrids, who had this inherent need to squeeze themselves together in tiny spaces at all times. His reflex was to step away and give people space. Instead of that, they would hurl together.

In a way, it was kind of cute. There were many cute things about Hybrids. It was a slippery road, though. It was all too easy to use something perceived as cute to devalue their voices by equating them to children.

“As if he’s that tall, don’t give him ideas,” Yangyang snorted.

“At least taller than you,” Jeno sounded deeply hurt, pout in his voice.

“Not tall, but at least beefy, right?” Jaemin giggled and Renjun internally shook his head while Jeno bathed in the compliment.

“I want this conversation to end before my skin peels off. Renjun, how was your exam?” Guanheng propped his head up on his palm and looked over expectantly, his tail gently swaying over the tangled legs.

_Renjun._

It sounded so right whenever Guanheng said it like that, hitting all the tones and making it sound, well, Chinese.

Renjun understood Koreans could not perfectly mirror that and, with most people, he genuinely didn’t care they couldn’t.

But each time it was pronounced right, it did something in his head, made him miss something that wasn’t anymore more and also heal him by showing: it wasn’t lost. There were still people who would do what his parents had done before they had left his life, before the accident.

“Good question. Honestly, I’m not so sure, it was like I was in a trance or something. I think it was probably okay, though. Hopefully. Yeah,” The more he thought about it, the less confident he was. What had he even written? Did it have anything to do with the question? He could get failed for going off-topic… if only he remembered the topic.

“I’m sure it was good!” Jeno announced.

“Yeah, if you were in a zone of writing, that means you at least knew something,” Donghyuck added and Renjun guessed that was true.

“Thanks. I’ll hope for the best. I met Harvey in the hallway and he told me his oral exam went well. They were interviewed about the colonialization and he was able to use all the words from the meetings. I don’t even remember talking about colonisation, but I’m glad it helped him,” Renjun grinned to himself recalling Harvey’s face, flushed from adrenaline.

Learning a new language was difficult. Renjun struggled with Mandarin even though he had spoken it as a pre-schooler. He struggled even more with English and was always scared to use it. He had a lot of respect for those, who did better than he. Harvey was one of them, Donghyuck another.

“Yukhei-Ge had an exam on that, too, back in Shenzhen, though. Seems popular a topic,” Yangyang chipped in. He tried to move, but in the process kicked three people and then some. Renjun was very happy to have chosen the edge of the other bed, where he was alone and able to cool down in the air-conditioned room. He only felt ever so slightly weirded out to sit on other peoples’ bed.

“It’s fairly recent history and shapes the country to this day, of course, they have to test people who want to learn about Korea on that!” Jeno gasped as if he was a Korean and history teacher personally. It was kind of cute because when Renjun had first met them, this had been something Doyoung occasionally had done. Well, Doyoung still did, but Jeno had adopted the trait over time. Everyone knew Jeno held a deep admiration for plus former crush on Doyoung, so, to see his influence was pretty cute.

“Okay, calm down, I never said anything against that,” Yangyang immediately soothed and Jeno huffed before he changed topics:

“Are we going to meet at the uni tomorrow, then? I bet we can get the big meeting room, right?”

Renjun doubted he’d get the Meeting Room #1 at any point of his university life. It was always booked out, but Jeno had a fascination with it because it was called Seoul and since they were living Seoul, they’d have to meet there – right? Maybe he’d be lucky tomorrow.

“I can try. Seojeong still has exams, so she won’t come. Yerim-Noona said she’d join us as soon as possible after her last one, so about half an hour late,” Renjun had all their schedules memorised and a list of things to do in his head. He also had it written down, but he had never had trouble to remember things important to him. It was what helped him squeezing everything into one afternoon if needed. He doubted it qualified as a talent, but it sure was helpful.

There was a lot that had stacked up. Renjun was very grateful his scholarship was split into 12 rates a year, so he could focus his energy on that instead of having to work and save up money. He could use extra-money, of course, but he lived a simple life – always had.

Many lower priority tasks in the Union had never been done because no one had had the time. They had money available, so they had graphic designers and professional editors, but the bulk of the work still rested on the volunteers, who had their own lives to put first, just how Renjun did.

Sure, he’d rather send around emails all day every day. He wanted to try and get slots on podcasts, radio shows, tv segments, YouTube channels, or magazines every month of the year. Most importantly, he wanted to talk about the issues with society, how people could better their behaviour and make the lives of so many Hybrids so much better.

That wouldn’t pay his bills - neither now nor in the future. He had nothing to rely on, he had to get himself a job that’d pay for his life. Living was expensive, especially in a city like Seoul. Just to get a roof over his head, he already had to put more money on the table than he felt comfortable spending in one sitting.

He had to put the union and his work for them second even though he didn’t want to.

Nevermind getting slots was difficult, these days. They used to get many opportunities. Nowadays, it was always the same. _We’ve already had that, the viewers want something new, we don’t want to get involved in drama, it’s not good for the sponsors_ , and so on.

As if one party involved in the discussion had just packed their bags and turned to leave. The MC had awkwardly smiled and hurriedly let the set be taken down while the other party stood there, broken off mid-argument. Everyone left and they were forgotten in the dark and empty studio, mouth still open to complete a sentence.

Renjun was determined to convince the people to come back, let them finish their arguments, and make them consider their words. It had happened before! Hybrids had a better life than they used to! There was progress being made.

Just…

The last true advance had been over a year ago when the recompensation rules had been put into effect.

It was good Hybrids could earn money independently from their owners now.

It just wasn’t enough because unless they stored it somewhere in cash, they’d have to immediately surrender it to the same person they wanted them to break free from.

Baby steps were never enough!

As long as that was all they got, Renjun would never quiet down, no matter how difficult it became!

As they discussed the topics they’d be addressing tomorrow, Renjun noticed Donghyuck had completely zoned out, staring at the ceiling with a blank expression.

His heart sunk.

He knew Donghyuck cared.

But he knew Donghyuck couldn’t care as much as he surely wanted.

If he was fully honest, Renjun had expected him to come back and fill in where they were missing him. Because they were. They were trying to close the gap he had left, but there was no one like him, no one with the drive and fire, but also the cleverness to hold the speeches and draw in attention while sneaking into people’s hearts.

Just how he had snuck into Renjun’s heart so easily.

It reflected in their numbers. Renjun had it black on white, the slow then steep declines in participation, in offers from outside, in publications, and in mentions.

Maybe that was also at fault for pushing him to where he was now. It seemed too much responsibility for anyone to carry, but Renjun hadn’t known what to do to replace him.

They needed him.

He had been their drive for success and between judges ruling against them, between people losing interest, between excuses being made and cruelty covered up, they were missing someone to trample over all of that and keep them on the right track.

There was no one to take his spot. Jeno was energetic, but too easily intimidated. Guanheng was passionate, but too easily became impertinent.

The rest of them were humans. In this, they could never be more than support, it had to be a Hybrid showing the world where their place was supposed to be.

But Donghyuck could and should not take that spot right now, no matter how gaping the hole he had left was.

He’d break. He seemed so close to doing already. He had to put himself first and Renjun wanted him to, but he also felt like with this scandal on their hands, they were facing their point of making or breaking. They had never felt hostility and backlash this strongly.

It was unfair!

It made this all hurt even worse.

He had not said that. He didn’t want the others to worry and maybe he was just overreacting, but it truly felt like this was where they stood.

And Renjun had no solution. He had expected Donghyuck to have it, even before this scandal had ripped them into a new and previously unknown crisis.

It had felt like it would all be solved when Donghyuck had come to the open night last week and Renjun had found himself on the edge of his chair because _no one_ could do what Donghyuck could, enthral listeners with his words, make them burn with determination, with the will to change the world.

But then Donghyuck had fainted. Then Donghyuck had said he wanted, but he couldn’t. Renjun had just stood there, not knowing what to say as he had left.

He should have said they could figure it out, but Renjun didn’t know they could. He had never expected for anything like that to happen, not to Donghyuck, but at that moment, it had been clear all the odd signs and all the weird behaviour had to have a reason.

A terrible reason.

The next thing he had heard, Donghyuck had been hurt and he had found out why he was so pale and skinny and Renjun’s own world had crumbled.

Just, Renjun’s world had crumbled before. I hadn’t just crumbled, it had collapsed and he had gotten buried.

Rebuilding it had made him stronger.

This time, he didn’t break.

This time, he would keep standing and he could hold it together.

He didn’t know how yet, but he knew he would. For Donghyuck, but also for himself, for all his friends who lived in so much unfairness and had to endure such fates and were expected to stay quiet and obedient.

He didn’t know how to help Donghyuck, but he was going to find out and he was going to do everything within his power, so Donghyuck’s face would become soft and bright again, his eyes sparkling, and his skin glowing.

Renjun knew he would.

He had seen it, it was just currently lost between a lot of pain and rightfully so. Just for surviving this, Donghyuck was already incredibly strong.

Renjun realised he, just like Donghyuck, had tuned out of the conversation long ago when the others were talking about the park and Renjun could not recall that having been a topic. Then again, when being friends with dog Hybrids, the park wasn’t a rare topic. Renjun had gotten used to it, just like to ear pets and tummy rubs and cuddle piles and getting hit by tails.

“Are you going to come?” Yangyang asked.

“Sure,” Renjun shrugged. His exams were over, he could organise the union to hell and back all day, he had time to go to the park and wheeze after ten minutes of running.

“Yes! Donghyuck, are you?” Renjun wanted to cut in and say to not ask, but it wasn’t his place to patronise anyone. Yangyang and Donghyuck both could make their own decisions.

Donghyuck didn’t even react, though, and Renjun scooted forward. He wanted to help him somehow, but he was too far away. Jaemin gently tapped his leg and Donghyuck slowly got to it, unfreezing and glancing around.

“What? Where?” He blinked.

Was it okay to think how pretty he looked in such a situation? Renjun wasn’t sure, but in the quiet of his head, he did. Donghyuck was always pretty, he just had a flower boy’s face, even with his sharp jaw and even sharper tongue. He didn’t want to get lost in feeling sorry for Donghyuck or pitying him.

He was in love with him and Donghyuck had accepted his confession. It was okay to still think of him as his boyfriend and thus as a beautiful person. No, it was okay to think of him as his boyfriend _again_. Renjun was a person worthy of that position in Donghyuck’s life now and he wanted to never give it up again, not after how much it had hurt to have made that mistake the first time.

“To the park on Saturday? You know, how we always do when we can?” Yangyang explained

Donghyuck looked torn. He was bad at hiding his feelings and Renjun was kind of glad he was. He understood how it could save your life, hell, he had pretended for a whole lot of his life, too. All the crushes on girls he had made up and lied about with a straight face just to not admit he wasn’t ‘normal’. Not being able to be yourself wasn’t a good life, though. It always hurt because no matter how much you pretended, you always knew this wasn’t you, deep down inside.

“I don’t know, it sounds a bit boring,” Donghyuck finally said, having taken much too long to decide for something to be boring.

“Ah. Okay. Bummer,” Jaemin sounded dejected and Donghyuck turned as if panicked to have said the wrong thing.

Renjun wasn’t sure what he was scared of, but maybe just… losing them?

He remembered what Donghyuck had told him, two days ago.

Maybe he was imposing by thinking he understood, but he did, at least a bit.

Donghyuck had been scared they’d find out what had been done to him, that he had been not only raped but also filmed. It was clearly one of the most vulnerable positions to be in. It was an irreparable breach of privacy for the victim. It had nothing to do with sex, it was just violence, yet some people enjoyed to do that so a person or watch it being done. It was sickening! Renjun felt anger boil in his stomach just remembering what he had read, what he had seen, what people would do to a person they thought below themselves.

This was why he could _never_ give up. Especially not when he loved someone who’d be directly affected. How could he ever accept the one he felt so much for to be treated this way? He couldn’t.

Yet, he still didn’t know how to help Donghyuck, how to make this better, and he was still so far away.

“Very reasonable choice,” Guanheng softly chipped in and ran a hand over Donghyuck’s arm. Jaemin had already realised what he had said had upset him and wrapped himself around his friend as well.

Renjun was grateful, that they were there for him and could help him so much better than he did.

He wished he could do the same, but he just didn’t know and he could step back where he had no place.

“I’m really sorry, Hyuckie, I didn’t mean it that way. I understand the park isn’t that exciting to you, I just had forgotten and through it’d be great if you came,” Jaemin muttered and Donghyuck nodded.

Renjun knew Jaemin wasn’t always super good at understanding other people and their way of thinking – on top, his own way was rather unconventional. More than once had Renjun found himself pretty much asked to duel over some triviality by him.

Jungwoo, Jaemin’s owner or simply his ‘Hyung’, called it Jaemin-world-thinking. He was also the best at how to Jaemin-world-think to understand him. It sounded like a given, but Renjun didn’t know many people who did as much for Hybrids as Jungwoo and Taeil.

Sometimes, Renjun wished he had found a family like Jaemin, Jeno, and Guanheng had, a family that loved them unconditionally but also helped them to become good people.

His grandparents never tried to accept him and their love was always conditional. Renjun never wanted to become like them.

Instead, he often tried to follow Jungwoo or Taeil’s example of how to balance between acknowledging differences between humans and Hybrids and overcoming them. Not quite surprisingly, they were just better at that. They were also older by almost and more than ten years respectively and had done this for a whole lot longer than Renjun had. One day, he’d catch up if he kept trying.

“Maybe in the future, but I don’t feel like it,” Donghyuck assured. Renjun was quite sure that Donghyuck would want to go to the park again in the future. Until then, he should not and no one would make him when he wasn’t ready.

“Okay. Totally. It’s up to you,” Jaemin hummed and pulled away. Donghyuck nuzzled his head against Jaemin and Renjun wished he shared these instincts and could anticipate what would be right, take Jaemin’s spot.

He couldn’t. He had to live with ‘just’ being a human.

It wasn’t like Jaemin was trying to take anything away from him. His and Renjun’s role in this group were incomparable. Nevermind Renjun was quite sure Jaemin had someone else he liked, had always had, so he wasn’t jealous of Jaemin, just of being able to be there for Donghyuck in ways he couldn’t.

Jaemin whispered something into Donghyuck’s ear, too soft for Renjun to hear. The cuddle pile slowly got off the bed, giving the two a bit of privacy, so Renjun did as well.

Donghyuck and Jaemin were both made from the same cloth and as different as water and fire. What Renjun knew for sure was that they had been best friends long before anyone else had even stepped into this circle.

Donghyuck had a perfect pedigree and Breeders’ union passport – Jaemin had two parents who had loved each other and decided to have a child together.

One would think that meant one had had an awful upbringing with some money-hungry breeder and the other been raised in a loving home.

Life was never this easy for Hybrids.

Just through his ‘pure-blood’, Donghyuck would always be worth more than Jaemin with his mismatching face. Where Donghyuck had been evaluated like a piece of meat every year and then sold once his worth had been maximised at only 14, Jaemin’s home had gotten ripped apart when he had become a commodity to be inherited with his parents getting split like silver cutlery. When no one had wanted to take the living silverware, he had landed in a lab to become a sacrifice to inhumane experimenting.

None of this was fair. None of this should be allowed.

Once more, this was why Renjun could never give up what he had decided to fight for.

As long as the world was still so unfair, how Jaemin liked to say, Renjun would raise his voice as loud as he could.

Donghyuck couldn’t help him with that, right now.

So, Renjun would pull himself together and do more, carry his weight until he was better. He could, he was strong, he was willing, he was burning for this! There had been a moment of confusion and worry, but he was over it now. Seeing how Donghyuck needed to heal, but he could and he would, gave Renjun new drive to do what he perceived as the right thing.

Jaemin and Donghyuck’s secret conversation seemed to end because Jaemin pulled away and raised his voice a bit.

“Good. Alright, we have to go because Guanheng has laundry duty, Jeno has cooking duty, and I was supposed to clean the bathrooms. I can already hear Doyoung-Hyung’s nagging about how he works full time and still gets it done,” he rolled his eyes. Admittedly, even Renjun could hear the older Hybrid’s words. He had spent a lot of time at their house over the years and Doyoung had very high expectations for everyone.

“Sounds like him.”

“He gets even worse when it’s something Taeyong-Hyung told us to do,” Guanheng whined and Donghyuck smiled. Renjun still liked his smiles the best – the small ones and the big ones. He hoped the latter would return soon.

“At least someone understands you have to do that for your boyfriend!” Jeno grumbled.

“Well, stop dating humans then, problem solved,” Jaemin huffed and got up.

The words stung more than they maybe should. No one had addressed him personally, but Renjun, undeniably, was a human.

He got it. He really did. You had to put in more work to find together when you weren’t the exact same. Just how he was jealous of Jaemin’s instincts, a Hybrid might miss them in a human partner.

It could be overcome, though. He wanted to say that, he wanted to chip in and protest, but he held his tongue. It’d be selfish. Donghyuck and he had agreed to not tell anyone yet because Donghyuck wasn’t ready for these conversations.

Renjun didn’t want to start them for no reason other than wanting to justify himself without even having been addressed.

But he caught Donghyuck’s eyes and saw that he kind of wanted to say something, too.

Maybe that was good? That he had the energy to even consider this would be something to disagree with?

Renjun didn’t want to ask. This could wait, it wasn’t that important. Their relationship had been secret before it had been broken up and it had been a wonderful time, at least the majority of it. He wanted Donghyuck to take it slow even if that meant he had to hold back for now. He could do that for him.

Everyone made their way to the door and Donghyuck started to hug each of them goodbye. Renjun also hugged everyone goodbye, it was just normal with them.

“Didn’t you plan to leave?” Donghyuck asked when the noisy crowd moved down the hallway and Renjun was still next to him in the door.

“No? Should I?” he blinked in surprise, “I only arrived 30 minutes ago!”

“No! No!” Renjun had been genuinely worried for a second. Donghyuck’s ears were tugged down, he was clearly sad his friends had just left, he didn’t want to do the same and leave him all alone! “Can we cuddle? Now that the bed isn’t that full anymore?” Donghyuck softly added.

Renjun’s heart jumped. It was true, he wasn’t super fond of cuddling just everyone and everywhere. Over the years, the others had accepted he preferred it if they used each other to spontaneously attach to.

That was the thing. A Hybrid might miss these instincts in a human partner, but Donghyuck never made him feel like he did. He just adjusted to how they were different. He asked to cuddle, which usually made Renjun want to, he would point out when he needed something Renjun had not considered, so Renjun could decide if he wanted to do it or not. If he didn’t, Donghyuck might whine a little, but never in a way that would manipulate Renjun into still doing what he didn’t want to.

It was so easy to make the differences as tiny as duckweed rather than a giant sequoia with him. That was why Renjun loved him so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	16. Chapter 16

Especially right now, Renjun was yearning to be close to Donghyuck – because he wasn’t just some friend. He was his boyfriend. Other standards applied when it was your boyfriend.

“Yeah, sure. When are Mark and Minjun-sshi coming back?” he softly closed the door and followed Donghyuck to the bed, where they sat down on the messy sheets. He had met Donghyuck’s parents before, but just fleetingly. He did know Mark, very well even. In some aspects, he and Mark were often together alone – the two humans trying to understand their Hybrid friends and family, trying not to feel guilty for all the opportunities they got as a matter of course and the others could only dream of.

“I don’t know,” Donghyuck checked the clock on the wall. It was half four, which wasn’t late but Renjun didn’t know when they had left to talk to their lawyers and house hunt, “But they won’t mind anyway.”

“Okay, good. Ears?” Renjun remembered Donghyuck had wanted to limit touch with him to safe places, far away from anything connected to bad memories.

Renjun wanted to help him relax and cheer up. Ears would be perfectly fine for as long as Donghyuck wasn’t ready for more!

“Hm… actually… tummy? Would that be okay? I’m trying to overcome that quickly, I don’t want it to become a whole thing and issue. Minjun said I had to try and challenge my comfort zones to overcome them and not groom them into bigger issues. I’m responsible for that, so.”

Donghyuck nodded resolutely.

Renjun recalled how he had said he felt like he the one not keeping up in their relationship now.

He could never see that. He wished he knew how to make Donghyuck realise how unbelievably courageous and amazing he was. But words wouldn’t come.

Renjun had used to be a very shy kid. He didn’t think he was anymore. He had grown through the many challenges the work for the union brought. Sometimes, though, he still felt this insecurity. Especially, well, mainly when it came to Donghyuck. He found himself get lost looking for words that never came. Even more so right now. Renjun knew he was very direct, sometimes to a fault. He knew words could hurt more than anything and he never wanted to hurt anyone, but he knew he had before.

Now, more than ever, he was all too aware of what damage he could cause and wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Donghyuck wasn’t the only one who had to figure this out.

“Okay. That makes sense. We should do that if you feel ready,” Renjun nodded and chuckled when his boyfriend draped himself straight across his legs dramatically.

Again, Renjun wasn’t one for a lot of skinship, but that didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy it under the right circumstances. Donghyuck was usually 75% of these circumstances.

But he wasn’t impatient or whiny, how Renjun remembered him to be. He was stiff and tense and his ears were still tucked down. He was scared, but he trusted Renjun.

Renjun would not disappoint him! He would show him he was worth his trust and help him rebuild what others had tried to ruin.

Carefully, Renjun put his flat hand onto Donghyuck stomach, on top of the plain grey t-shirt. He hated knowing Donghyuck, who always wore colours, would choose this thinking his clothes were to blame, but now wasn’t the time to address that. They were focussing on something else, something also really important and precious.

Donghyuck had become so skinny. Feeling his tummy made clear just how much, but this, too, wasn’t a topic for right now. It was just an expression of his hurt soul.

Gently, Renjun started moving in circles, using his palm and just the slightest amount of pressure. Just a t-shirt was almost as good as on bare skin, but it gave an extra layer of security – for them both.

Slowly, the muscles under his hand relaxed, little by little, and Renjun just kept doing the same exact thing. He could have added pressure or made the circles bigger, but there was really no need to. Donghyuck felt like he would just burst into a million shards if touched with more than absolute caution and Renjun was perfectly content with the space he had.

Donghyuck could see there was absolutely nothing to fear – and, honestly, so could Renjun.

“Compared to Mark, you’re really good at this,” Donghyuck mumbled and Renjun glanced over to see his eyes were half-closed.

“Sounds like an insult to me. Do you want me to tickle you?” Renjun deadpanned back. Donghyuck wasn’t extremely ticklish, so Renjun knew it wasn’t a threat.

“Well, I’m sorry, you’re not on Taeil-Hyung’s level, I can’t lie even to my boyfriend,” Donghyuck’s smirk was small but cocky and Renjun reached up to pinch his cheek.

Renjun didn’t know what else to say, so he didn’t say anything. He changed hands to avoid his arm going numb and watched Donghyuck get drowsy.

He never closed his eyes, but that was okay. He didn’t have to for Renjun to know how special this was, how much they were already doing.

There was one worry still on his mind:

Would this be over once summer ended?

Would Donghyuck go back to the States?

Would he leave his support network when it wasn’t even clear if he could be back to full potential in such a short time?

Renjun fully understood he wouldn’t want to give his spot at college up. He knew it would probably be impossible to get this chance again.

But, well, Donghyuck always made the impossible happen?

Renjun didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want his boyfriend far away for very personal and selfish reasons and he much less wanted Donghyuck in any sort of risky situation.

He had gotten raped for the first time there. He had gotten filmed and that film had travelled through dirty hands, probably all over the world, to be watched by those who secretly wished to be able to do such violence to him personally.

Worse, he had been all alone and already going against the current. Donghyuck had always been a social person, having to go through something like that and then not have anyone to rely on… even Renjun, who thought himself much less extroverted, didn’t know how to handle that.

Renjun wanted to say he should stay but, well… he couldn’t. It wasn’t his choice to make and he had no place putting himself above Donghyuck.

And he also didn’t want to. He found no joy in doing that.

He just secretly wished Donghyuck would think the same as him and make the decision independently.

If not, he’d respect his choice.

As Renjun was still thinking about what would hopefully be far away, Donghyuck had relaxed so much, his purr suddenly started to resonate from his chest. Renjun slowly, slowly made his circles just a bit bigger and then stopped before it would get too much, and the purr grew even louder.

“You sound like a sewing machine,” Renjun softly chuckled and Donghyuck used his free hand to gently swat his shoulder, “My favourite sewing machine, of course,” he added because it was true. If there was one thing he liked the best about Hybrids, overall, he’d have to say it was purring. It was something so beautiful and pure. Humans didn’t have anything like this, to express they enjoyed being cared about in physical ways, purely platonic. No hum or sigh got close to a happy purr.

“I think my purring got rusty. I just forgot to purr and didn’t even notice. I remembered, though, and now it needs to recover, I think,” Donghyuck muttered.

“Your voice sounds so cute when you’ve just purred,” Renjun couldn’t help giggling because it did.

“Wobble-voice,” Donghyuck grinned, then opened his eyes fully, “Thank you. For being patient. I just… you just did it perfectly, so I never worried about losing control. I think that’s my issue, this loss of control, that’s scary.”

Renjun felt so much relief, he choked up a bit. He tended to cry pretty easily and that, too, was heightened now because of the emotional situation.

It just felt good to know he was doing the right thing, that he could actually contribute positively and that his boyfriend could let him closer.

“I’m glad.”

“Aw, don’t cry, Shoulder Gangster. Come on, lie down, tears can’t fall if gravity doesn’t help them.”

Renjun let himself be pulled onto the bed even though this was a guest house where Donghyuck was staying with his family and Renjun had really no pace on here. After the previous cuddle pile it probably no longer mattered.

“The expert is speaking?” he chuckled and helped make this tangle of limbs make sense. If he took the passive part, it was usually better. Donghyuck was the cuddling expert and he wrapped them around each other in a genuinely comfortable way.

“I’m getting my Masters in sniffling, crying, sobbing, and wailing soon, summa cum laude.”

Renjun chuckled and quickly used his hand to get rid of the tears that wanted to still spill.

“You know… you know, I thought that maybe if I had an SAT and a grade sheet, that’s proof of education, isn’t it?” Donghyuck suddenly muttered, changing the topic unexpectedly.

Renjun knew the main reason why no Korean university would take him was that he had no proof of his education. No tests, no grades, no teachers’ recommendations, no college entrance exams. In America, it had been possible to register Mark, under whose name Donghyuck had originally gone, for the SAT because of their homeschooling policy – Korea didn’t have that.

“It could be. Why? Are you trying to make the impossible possible again?” Renjun wasn’t sure if Donghyuck wasn’t getting ahead of himself, but he couldn’t not ask when he had brought it up and now his heart was tumbling in his chest. He wished this would be his choice, to stay, even if it was mostly for selfish reasons he hoped for that.

“That’s my middle name, isn’t it? It’s just an idea, though. I have put up a plan, which includes first getting better. I want to properly cuddle like this but just as normal and with anyone and any time and no more anxiety. I also want to just go outside because I’m not an indoor cat. Again, anxiety, I have to handle that. Hm. And then I will have Plan C and find a new way to become a lawyer. Then, I want to get rid of the mandatory collars, I want schools and education for all Hybrids, the prohibition of euthanasia, and a Nobel prize.”

Renjun had started chuckling as Donghyuck spoke.

“Okay, sounds fool-proof to me. I’m glad you’re back to seeing more realistic goals now. That’s my Donghyuck!”

Donghyuck nuzzled against his shoulder, “Yup, still the same, just a little lost, but a map has been provided, now I just have to follow it. Considering I hate taking advice, I see some small difficulties ahead.”

Renjun tried to not shake him too much by laughing loudly. Donghyuck still had stitches in the back of his head and he was lying over him, but it was difficult to hold back.

Slowly, he calmed down and his fingers found their way into Donghyuck’s hair, playing with the curly strands.

“So, you’ll stay?”

“Yeah, all things considered, I decided to take Jungwoo-Hyung’s advice and not go on until I had used myself up. So, we have the summer, but we’ll also have the autumn, and the winter, and so on.”

It sounded wonderful.

“What about you? Do you have plans for the near future? I didn’t hear so much from you,” Donghyuck glanced up through orange lashes.

“Actually, I don’t have anything planned. We have to do a lot of work for the union we didn’t get done during the semester and I thought about maybe going to Everland, but the budget is tight. The park is free, so that, too, probably,” Renjun tried to remember what else there was, but he had to admit, the union took up almost all of his time. There were many different things to do, so it never got boring, and Donghyuck knew that just as well as he did. It could serve as his only entertainment for years, probably. Jeno had huffed and said he’d invite Renjun to Everland so he got to do something fun, but he didn’t like to rely on his friends for money.

He normally didn’t even speak much about it, but Donghyuck was different, wasn’t he? Even these things were easier said and with less shame than normally. Just how he had never made him feel like he lacked instincts even though he truly didn’t have them, Donghyuck had never made him feel like having less money was a problem. Not like Jeno or anyone else had, but Renjun just liked it best when it was just acknowledged and not made into a big deal. If he could just have a tight budget and then not do some stuff, that was normal. If a million ways were made up to fix that, it suddenly became embarrassing even though he knew it always came from a place of genuine compassion.

“Other than that… I have to go to my grandparents for lunch every Saturday, but I plan to be here, or, well, not here, but on this side of the river most of the time,” Renjun concluded. His grandparents wished to see him every week. It was one way to make a person dread weekends…

“I’m sorry it’s like that,” Donghyuck found Renjun’s free hand and laced their fingers together. Renjun knew it was difficult to understand how you could not want to see your family. If he had a family like Donghyuck or like Jeno, he’d probably not dread it either, “Though I wonder if that even helps because people being sorry doesn’t help me even the slightest.”

Renjun hesitated for a moment, then continued with his petting.

“No, it does help me, in this case. Guess everyone and every situation is different. It’d be weird if you started to go off on how they’re disrespectful and have been trying to ruin my life for the past 14 years. You’re just showing support and that you understand. I appreciate that.”

“Okay, good. It’s weird… how different it can be,” Donghyuck mumbled. Renjun admitted it was. If anyone told him they’d be sorry he couldn’t go to Everland, he’d be pissed. But his grandparents, who never missed a chance to put him down when they should do the opposite?

“Yeah, brains are really complex. Learning more about how our surroundings shape us has been so interesting and enlightening. I’d want my grandpa to take even 30 minutes of a class like that. Or, better, a special class for people over the age of 60 who just don’t _want_ to understand.”

God knew his grandpa wouldn’t even enter a classroom where something like that was taught, worse, taught by a woman. Donghyuck started to rub his fingers over the back of his hand slowly.

“About what are we talking now? Your parents or your sexuality?” It felt so natural even though it was all difficult to talk about and they had not talked for months, over a year, before just two weeks ago. It was like those months had never passed with having been blocked from sending messages and like Donghyuck was still strong as a boulder, the one Renjun could always rely on.

Renjun had to hold onto him a little tighter because he was so scared to lose him again. He had no one else he felt like this with, even though he had wonderful friends, it wasn’t the same. He wasn’t in love with them.

And maybe he could still lean onto Donghyuck. Just a little, so he didn’t break, but Renjun had just thought to himself how Donghyuck was still so incredibly brave and strong amidst this all.

“Both I guess. We all know my parents have always been an issue, especially my father, but the gayness is now topping it off and I’m also not becoming a doctor or an engineer and everything I do is wrong. At least they’re not paying and couldn’t even if they wanted. If they had the say in the money, I know they’d sabotage me. I feel dumb for complaining,” Renjun’s voice softened because he appreciated being understood, but he felt like he was going off into being ungrateful. He hated being that.

Around Hybrids, it was easy to feel entitled and unappreciative. They made you see how much you truly had because they were denied even basic rights. Renjun felt guilty when he complained about such mundane issues.

“Sounds familiar,” Donghyuck whispered back.

Renjun had to process that for a moment.

“Why?” he softly asked because it truly surprised him and he couldn’t understand why Donghyuck would feel guilty over being privileged, “I mean, just, your parents didn’t even get to really meet you and you them and… now this happened and you didn’t have any choices either, so I feel like I really shouldn’t be whining to you.”

Donghyuck pursed his lips.

“See, I was just thinking the same thing. Yeah, they’re not blood-related, but I have a family and a super supportive one at that. Look, my dad came from London because I got myself… no, because I was in trouble. You don’t even remember your parents much because you were so little and now your grandparents are being so cruel to you. How could I complain?”

Once more there was silence between them as Renjun tried to understand.

Right. He was being dumb for thinking that Donghyuck would forever mourn the parents he had never had a relationship with. He had gotten adopted, he had a new home now, a really amazing one he deserved, one that gave him more chances than other Hybrids could ever dream of. Between those less fortunate ones, he could be considered privileged.

It was so complex, Renjun felt his brain ache while trying to comprehend.

“I’m like this all the time. Everyone else has a harder fate than me, so I feel ridiculous for not being able to just shake it off,” Donghyuck finally added.

“But of course you can’t, what happened must have been horrific… but… yeah, okay, yeah, I understand that,” Renjun closed his eyes because his brain was short-circuiting, “Maybe we should just complain to each other? So we can both realise we get to have issues and get to complain? Do you think that would help you?”

He felt Donghyuck raise his head from where he had been lying and opened his eyes to see what he was doing.

There was something about cat Hybrids, that humans could never even dream to achieve. Renjun was fully biased because his boyfriend was one, but he would stand by this.

Donghyuck’s eyes were a pale green, but so many shades bled into each other, they were deeper than the ocean to Renjun. His slit pupils cut through that ocean like bridges and, in the afternoon light, they were narrow and let most of the beautiful greens show. His orange lashes were like golden threats around them. It was so easy to get lost in eyes as breathtaking as his. Renjun had many many times and he did right now.

As boring as Renjun’s plain brown eyes must be, it seemed for some reason he was able to pull Donghyuck in just as much because they both forgot to answer, just staring at each other, holding each other’s hands, and forgetting about life around them.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck finally whispered, sounding lost in an entirely different world, just how Renjun felt and they were slowly returning to reality, “We could at least try, right? We could complain about the things that feel wrong to mention because they’re not petty enough to be silly to whine over and seem like they’re so irrelevant to actual problems, but they still weight us down?”

Renjun nodded softly and his hair tickled against Donghyuck’s cheek.

“If it’s too much, we tell the other, okay?” he added because he knew they both might go ahead and bite off more than they could chew. They fit well in that regard.

“Yes! We should!”

The smile that spread on Donghyuck’s face was wonderfully sweet and Renjun noticed he leaned a tiny bit closer, almost as if he was going to kiss him.

He pulled away before he could even react and Renjun couldn’t deny the disappointment, but he also understood.

Just the fact that Donghyuck had considered it made his stomach flutter.

“I’ll start, okay?”

“We’re back, oh, where did your visitors go?” Renjun hurriedly dried his face on the sheets.

Somewhere between Donghyuck confining how he felt like he carried the weight of every single puppy Hybrid offered in a shop all over the world, every exploited child or adult, and himself admitting to how much he still missed his parents even though it had been 14 years at this point and he didn’t even have clear memories, he just missed what he saw others had but was not his own life, Renjun had forgotten about how this was still the guest house.

It was a bit embarrassing, considering he had met Mr Lee once before.

Renjun tried to de-tangle, but Donghyuck was unwilling to let go.

Just two hours had let Renjun understand Donghyuck so much more, but he also felt like he could now judge his own behaviour around him a lot better, so all the shed tears had fallen for good reason.

There was new baggage added, but it still felt like weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

Donghyuck had said maybe because they were carrying it together now and Renjun had pointed out how it would still be the same seeing how they now had the other’s baggage, too, but maybe carrying weight together made it lighter?

He wasn’t a psychologist.

“They have chores at home,” Donghyuck croaked and Renjun managed to peel one arm away and sit up, quickly tidying his hair to bow to Mr Lee, who waved back with a smile. Renjun felt so ridiculous for this to be their second meeting even if the older didn’t mind it.

“What have you been doing?” Mark sounded worried and dropped on the bed’s end.

“Couple therapy,” Donghyuck deadpanned.

“Couple?” Mark’s brows slowly rose and Renjun cleared his throat loudly.

“It’s not like that. Hello Mr Lee, hi Mark. Actually, we just talked,” he explained and Donghyuck pushed his lower lip out while deciding to get up as well.

Renjun wasn’t sure if Donghyuck had slipped, he might have, but maybe he had to remind him to take this step by step. Revealing their relationship was not the next step, just in case that hadn’t been obvious. Just as he had admitted, Donghyuck didn’t like to follow other people and their guidance too closely, but Renjun was going to insist on this one.

“Just call me Minjun, let’s be comfortable, Injoon. Talking can be very beneficial. Mark said today would be barbecue for dinner because we had fish yesterday, Donghyuckie, is that fine with you? Johnny and Ten are going to meet us there.”

“Fine,” Donghyuck sighed as if it was a problem and not the opposite of one. Mark grinned back when he tried to throw him accusatory glares. Many cat Hybrids, including Donghyuck, had an almost obsessive preference for fish and seafood. It sounded like a made-up rumour, but it was the truth. That was the thing, you always had to be careful because false stories were made up quickly and could hurt the community lastingly, just how the line between cute and immature was thin.

“Injoon, would you like to come with us? The more the merrier and since you were spending time with Donghyuckie, I’d hate to rip you apart,” Minjun was still not even acknowledging how weird this situation was. He sat down on the bed like it was a chair, everyone’s Hybrids were adopted as their sons, you met their friends while they were cuddling with them and crying, and smiled warmly.

It was a bit how Taeil was.

Maybe Renjun’s expectations in people were too low or maybe they were genuinely above-average wonderful.

“Um, I could…”

“You wanna miss some good Hanwoo? Seriously? No!” Donghyuck wrapped an arm around his neck forcefully and whined right into Renjun’s ear.

It was difficult for Renjun to accept such offers. It was like Jeno wanting to take him to Everland. He immediately felt like someone’s pity project even if that was the furthest from what it was.

“Please come?”

Renjun faltered. It was just a dad inviting his children and their friends, wasn’t it? Because Donghyuck was Minjun’s child just as much as Mark, a different set of genes or not. Renjun knew it didn’t make a difference in the Lee household, just how it didn’t to him.

“I appreciate the invitation, thank you, Minjun-sshi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was an interesting insight into Renjun’s head. I know I didn’t answer a lot of questions clearly yet, but I enjoy teasing my readers with hints and bits and piece. I love to read the theories you come up with!!! Next chapter, we’ll go back to Donghyuck POV ^^
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	17. Chapter 17

As someone who wanted to become a lawyer, Donghyuck had a matching fascination with lawyers’ offices. He had surfed countless websites before, trying to get every last bit of information they were willing to put out there so he could imagine himself as an employee working in one. Maybe even as a partner in moments of letting go of reality completely.

He was definitely not here to be any of that right now.

If he pretended he was, though, he felt a little less sick in anxiety. He could play a little game in his head, where he pretended he was going to come here for an internship and nothing else. He had dressed up in one of his dreadful button-ups to match the part. Kind of. He also had an identification card. Not that of an employee, duh, but a visitor. So what, a card with the name of the office was a card, wasn’t it?

Minjun had offered to come with him, but Donghyuck had declined. He knew it could be easier, but he didn’t feel ready to have that sort of conversation with anyone else in the room. He had already told him once, no need to repeat that. He had let Johnny bring him, though.

The streets felt unsafe. He sensed danger behind every corner and expected some shady person to step out and try to drag him away. It was how he felt about those community showers and about the common room on the fifth floor of his dorm. Those places where it had happened the first and second time before they had just made Donghyuck come to them by threatening to spread that video.

He should have known to not trust giving in to their demands would keep him safe, just how he should have realised earlier how it wasn’t just specific rooms he could avoid. The world wasn’t safe for a cat Hybrid like him. It was just safety bubbles where he could hide.

He had never understood how Sicheng and Taeyong could be scared to leave the house.

Now he knew.

And he wished he could have stayed oblivious and ignorant.

He also wished he had never first-hand found out how creepy the plant-pictures in the psychiatrist office his friends had gone to were.

They were high-key terrifying. Who even printed Aloe Vera onto a 2 by 2-metre canvas?

Well, doctor Kim Junmyeon, apparently. Or he had at least bought and decided hanging it up was appropriate.

It definitely wasn’t, just how Donghyuck had doubted his presence in an actual psychiatrist office wasn’t appropriate. Thankfully, he had been forced to go by their dad, so he could shift the blame for taking away anyone’s time. It was probably good to have a dad around to make him do things that were beneficial for him.

He had come out of that first session feeling even more relieved and hopeful. He could heal from this! He already was! Because the world was so dangerous and because too little was keeping him protected, he wanted to fight to change that even more.

Whoever had thought they could break him would wake up to some bad news.

Once he had his anxiety in check, that was. But that would be soon. Ish.

And then, criminals and generally terrible human beings would be shaking in their boots again. Donghyuck felt that spark of determination almost all the time now, his newfound hope helping it prosper. Soon, it would be a flame, turning into a fire again.

“Lee Donghyuck?” the receptionist poked her head into the waiting area, where he had been seated. Donghyuck got up. He could do this. He wanted to do this! This was the way to get justice! “Follow me, please.”

The office was posh, as you would expect for Gangnam. It was the same office Donghyuck had been to before because it was where Taeil’s lawyer, who was now known as the leading expert in Hybrid rights, worked. Mr Wu. He had helped them, as the Union, a few more times after that trial. For free. He was a good guy – and he had also made a fortune off that trial in the bigger picture because that had made him the only expert in a new field.

It was a big office and had only grown as more cases were prosecuted in the area of Hybrids. Still not enough. If the police were doing what they had said they would, the brothels in side-streets like the one where it had happened, would no longer exist and even more Hybrids would see their abusers go to jail. This office could employ dozens more lawyers, all specialised in Hybrid law, to help them.

As it was, there was hardly any Hybrid law to speak of. Instead, lawyers were probably helping breeders find loopholes in the few enactments protecting their ware and bailing those abusers out of the few cases that were brought to court. It had nothing to do with justice and everything with money.

He was led into a small meeting room and told to help himself to any drink he would like before the woman left again. Donghyuck wasn’t thirsty. He knew it was still a problem, that he wasn’t thirsty or hungry when he should be. He had thought gaining weight was easy, it had always been for him, but he had only put on half a kilogram so far. He had also managed to get another pink-ish burn from the sun, much to his horror.

One week was maybe too short to expect everything to go back to normal, at least Jungwoo had said so as he had marked his weight and BMI in the curve for his age and height. Small progress was still good progress. Going forward, regardless of how slow, was going in the right direction. Donghyuck would just prefer to do so at a more appropriate 200 kilometres an hour rather than… 3.

He was still struggling to be kinder to himself, but he tried hard and encouragements such as Jungwoo’s helped him a lot.

He wasn’t made to wait for long. Just a few minutes later, before he could have forced himself to drink orange juice because it had more calories, the door opened again and a woman entered.

“Good morning,” she simultaneously closed the door, ordered a laptop and two files plus her coffee and then came over to set everything down, “My name is Jung Jessica, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too.”

Donghyuck had scrambled off his chair and bowed, then accepted her hand to shake before they both settled on the table. He felt nervous. It was worse because she was a lawyer and he kind of still hoped to become one, too. He already felt admiration for her just because she had passed all the many exams there were to take.

“So, I got your case last week and I’ve been working on it ever since together with my team, the police, and your legal guardians. I don’t know how much your father has told you about me? I’d like it if we both got to know each other a little before going into this?” her voice was soft enough to be reassuring without lacking confidence.

Donghyuck wanted to be like this.

But he wasn’t.

He wasn’t a shy person, but right now, he couldn’t even find his voice. He was such a – no. No, he wasn’t, he was just hurt, but he would get better.

She was nice. She had called Minjun his dad without showing a sign of disgust or irritation, she had suggested getting to the know each other, and she was helping him

He took a deep breath, counting to three once. Okay. Good. He remembered how talking worked.

“Okay, I would like that, too,” he nodded and looked right back at her.

“I’ll start, then. I have a double degree in both US and Korean law. I studied at Berkley, where I got my Bachelor’s in social studies, and then went to Stanford Law, from which I graduated in 2006. After, I went to Seoul National University, where I followed my US degree up with a Korean one and passed the bar exam in 2009. I have been working for Kwon and Park ever since. I just became a partner earlier this year.”

Donghyuck’s jaw had dropped a little more with every word.

Wow.

Berkley, Standford, Seoul National?

“That’s so cool!” he couldn’t stop himself even though he felt a bit silly for getting carried away. She smiled, so he guessed he could go on. He didn’t want to stop himself because when had he ever done that? It wasn’t him, he wanted nothing to do with it, “Why did you want to become a lawyer?”

“Hm… well, to be honest, revenge. My father was murdered when I was nine years old and the man responsible only got 15 years for it. It was too low, but the other lawyer was close to a genius. So, I decided to become even better and make sure criminals would be punished how they deserved so no other child would have to grow up knowing their dad had died and not found justice. I work on all sorts of cases, but with my double-degree, I focus on those where we have to fight not only in Korean but also in American courts. I’ve never had one quite like yours before. Hybrids don’t usually get to seek justice.”

Donghyuck shook his head and she tapped her biro against the files for a moment, eying him.

“I read about you to prepare. I think a good relationship is important when we fight for something this significant. You go to Vassar, majoring in physics, but you want to become a lawyer?”

Donghyuck felt a little silly. Like he was reaching for the stars.

He was.

“I do. Maybe.”

“You don’t maybe become a lawyer. You have to want it or you will not make it. Why do you want to become a lawyer?”

It stung a bit, but he knew she was right. It applied to everything in a Hybrid’s life. If he went ‘maybe’ on something, he’d never get it. He knew, but he had still made the mistake only to be promptly called out.

“Because if you know how to use the law, you can use it to bring justice to those who have been done wrong and deserve it. Hybrids’ lives are unfair! Every single one! I want to help them and I want to be taken seriously. Lawyers are taken seriously because they proved themselves,” he didn’t even know why he kept talking.

He sounded pathetic!

He felt pathetic…

“Your motivations are admirable and sound very sincere. I agree, from what I know, there is plenty that needs to change for you and those like you. You’re missing the determination, though,” Donghyuck shrunk into himself. He knew. Still. That really stung, worse than being called out, “Without determination, you will not even survive the first semester of law school.”

“Okay.”

“Wrong!”

“Hm?” Donghyuck looked up and Jessica took a sip of her coffee. Wrong? What wrong?

“Why do you just accept that? Are you giving up?”

“No! I just… you said I wouldn’t make it with that attitude, so,” Donghyuck defended himself. Was this a trick question?

“So, you’re giving up.”

“I’m not giving up! I will make it, I just have to figure this entire shit out! I don’t care it will be hard, most things in my life have been hard, that’s never stopped me before so it will not now,” Donghyuck couldn’t help the edge that bled into his voice.

He had a plan!

Giving up wasn’t part of it!

Never!

“Good, that’s what I wanted to hear, that’s the spirit you need for law school, but also for a trial. Rape cases have never been known to be easy to win.”

“I know, but I want them locked up and paying for their crimes!” Donghyuck realised he didn’t even have to consider his words. They just burst out of him – from a flame of determination and confidence.

“Great, so do I. I like that attitude. I know we can work together because we both want the same.”

Donghyuck nodded.

He agreed. Her words still stung, yes, but they had pushed him to find his courage in a way he never had before. As if she had forced him into being confident? It was odd, he didn’t think it had ever happened before and he wasn’t sure anyone else had this skill.

“Now to the unpleasant part: I need to know for what exactly our six subjects are going to have to pay. I need each detail, each time it happened, each offence they made. If there’s something I miss, they will exploit it. We will be better than them if you can work with me. You don’t need to do it all today, you don’t need to remember every single last detail in one sitting, we can do this in multiple, you can send me an e-mail whenever you remember something. It will be safe with me not only because I’m legally obligated, but also because I know you will trust me with this how I trusted the lawyer with my father’s life. Unlike him, I have never failed to bring my clients peace and closure.”

Fear laid over Donghyuck, but his confidence burnt hotter and overpowered it.

“Okay. Let’s do this together!”

Donghyuck had made it a new standard to mentally pat himself on the back regularly. Not actually physically, oh no, what if someone saw, what kind of dork would they think he was! But mentally was okay. Sure, it sounded like he was losing it, but he still felt better and he could also roast himself for being a sap and then make more mental notes to never let anyone know he was.

As he emerged from the meeting room after only having cried a tiny little bit, which had been okay, he definitely patted himself on his back. Well-deserved. God, he was such a sap… no one could ever find out about any of this!

“Hyuckie!”

Donghyuck spotted his entourage (only his bodyguard, manager and stylist were probably househunting again) and took a little in-run to jump into Johnny’s arms.

There was no better feeling in the world! All the little demons reminding him of people judging were so quiet for a second, he was able to fully ignore them and just do silly little things like this freely.

“How did it go?” Johnny gently set him back down and Donghyuck immediately pushed his arm through his, locking them together because the demons got louder again. He needed the support from Johnny, whom no one would mess with.

“I think it was good. And I also want to become like Mrs Jung!” Donghyuck had already made his mind up about that. He also wanted to scare people into being confident, maybe into some self-love, all that good stuff. It was badass and he wanted it.

“I… don’t know her but I’m sure it’s a good thing because she’ll help us with this and must be a good person.”

“Oh, yeah, she is. She basically told me my attitude was lacking and I’d never reach my goals like this, so I gave her some attitude, it was great! I feel hyped even though I had to repeat all that awful stuff and cried. See? She’s amazing!”

“I’m not sure I fully understood how all of that worked, but the most important thing is that you’re so happy,” Johnny stroked his arm, “I thought about going to Baskin Robbin’s? As a treat?”

“More ice cream? You’re gonna get fat!”

Johnny snorted and shoved him a little bit, but Donghyuck was still attached to Johnny, so the effect was lost because now they were both stumbling around.

Someone tsked at them in passing, giving them a look that made Donghyuck calm down immediately.

Urgh.

Johnny had also collected himself, but he didn’t seem to even think about it for another second and proceeded to walk down the street as normal, tugging Donghyuck along. He was considerate and well-adjusted like that. Donghyuck wouldn’t have cared, but now he did. He felt a bit upset because now he was back to worried instead of excited how he had left the office.

Maybe being more like Johnny, considerate when others felt annoyed by something that should be okay but might be a tiny bit annoying and then just move on with life, could work for him, too? Donghyuck wondered.

They might not have meant it personally? It didn’t need to have to do with him being a Hybrid that they had scolded them with just a look and click of the tongue? Was he overreacting _again_? Wait! He had wanted to no longer tear himself down by thinking he was overreacting. He was considering too many options, that was it. He could just calm down, be nice, and let it go, couldn’t he? There was no reason to be scared, but also no reason to overthink.

Huh. That could work!

It was what his therapist had recommended, to find a way to make peace with situations he couldn’t change. Donghyuck made a mental note to remember it in the future and also tell her when he’d see her again on Friday. It felt pretty mature to do this and also like he was successfully battling his own problems – with some help, of course, but help was okay to have.

Patt patt on the shoulder, god, he was such a sap, no one could _ever_ know about this, not even Renjun, this was just ridiculous…

With his momentary crisis solved, Donghyuck tried walking straight and confident again. That was still a struggle – but ‘currently, apparently, a struggle’ was his motto right now. Well, precisely his motto was: ‘currently, apparently, but not for much longer because I will work on it, a struggle’. On that note, he had already switched back to coloured t-shirts, though mainly those with muted tones. Today was obviously his button-up’s turn, which was pale green, but green nevertheless. It matched with his eyes, kind of.

“I don’t hit the gym four times a week to then not have ice cream!”

“Fair enough,” Donghyuck glanced around the street they had just turned onto. They were in the heart of Apgujeong, so everything was big and busy. Different brands had flag stores here, blasting music. Cars and busses drove past them noisily. All sorts of different people walked up and down, many hurried.

Donghyuck still felt like some, or many, gave him a double-look.

He knew every article slandering him had been taken down. The Union had even gotten a fine from one website for having failed to comply with their demand. Guanheng had made true of his promise to get justice for Donghyuck and he was very grateful.

They still had been out there to read for up to seven days. Enough time to rake up a lot of views.

The articles objectively reporting also were still out there. Rightfully so. Donghyuck knew it had given them positive attention as well and he was glad there was one benefit out of this entire mess. He had always been excited to read them when they had been published about Ten and Xiaojun’s trial. The journalists had been eagerly shedding light on the brutal circumstances and shown just how awful human beings their former owners had been. Now that they were about his own struggles, he suddenly felt none of that. He wondered if it had been difficult for Ten and Xiaojun as well and he had been blind to that. He felt bad. No one had ever said anything to him, but maybe they had been mad at him?

He wanted to apologise and make sure they were good, even though it had been three years ago. Donghyuck swallowed. The fear to upset someone and make them turn away was still very present and it hurt.

Worst of all, the video was impossible to grab and delete. As he was walking, surely, it was spreading from phone to phone, saved on hard drives and clouds out of the reach of police, maybe all over the world.

There was no use in lying to himself. It was going to be out there forever.

The knowledge made him feel sick and like every person he passed knew too much, had seen too much.

It was humiliating and that had not gotten any better for the last week at all. He wanted it to get better, how everything else had, but it hadn’t because it was the most difficult to talk about. He was scared to remind people of what they had maybe seen. He’d rather everyone forget, but that was probably not how it worked…

“Mark and Minjun-pa sent a picture of the flat they want. Did you see?”

“No! They found one? Where is it?” Donghyuck found his phone in his pocket and pulled it out. There were over 50 new messages all across different chats and he opened the menu to check. Renjun had replied with a cute duck gif. Was that a new hobby of his? He seemed to have one for every occasion…

“Oh, it’s pretty,” Donghyuck muttered and skipped through the pictures. It was big, too. Donghyuck had asked why Minjun wanted to rent a flat when he would only be here for a couple of months, but he had said it was always best to have a home, so he and Haneul believed. He had also added who knew what was to come and the place might come in handy.

Donghyuck had felt guilty, of course. He felt guilty again. It wasn’t furnished, just a kitchen was already inside, so they’d have to spend more to furnish it. Then again, Mark would stay for three months, too, until the semester in Vancouver would start. Their mum would come, eventually. They had planned to live in guesthouses or hotels, but he was right, a home was better.

Despite feeling like a terrible liability, Donghyuck grew excited to get to live together even if it would be for a limited time only. He just didn’t know what would be after, so that was a sore point he didn’t know what to do with. Maybe add to the collection?

“It’s in Samseong, so it’s not far,” Johnny added.

Samseong?

Donghyuck didn’t point out how it was pretty perfect. Johnny had obviously had Taeil’s office in mind – Donghyuck had also thought about Renjun’s goshiwon in Yeoksam. It was good for both. It also wasn’t the district he had ended in eight days ago when that had happened. No hard memories were connected.

No good either, but that could change. The more he thought about it, the happier Donghyuck grew their dad had decided to do this.

Again, it was probably good to have a dad here and make decisions for them to give guidance where they didn’t know how to deal.

“It looks like we have to go to IKEA, though,” Johnny grinned.

“I’m sure that’s not the correct Swedish pronunciation and you know that just as well as I,” Donghyuck snorted and looked up. He was still sort of wary to go, but not as. He knew how to function with a bit of anxiety now. Until he’d manage to tackle it completely, it at least no longer stunned him.

Patt patt.

“I have the video of the founder saved on my phone! It’s ee-key-ah.”

“And he still says it differently than you do!”

“Does not!” Johnny pouted. Donghyuck huffed and pouted back because Johnny sounded like a snob at best and maybe like a dork at worst but definitely not Swedisch – though Donghyuck had no Swedish skills, so he might be just saying that because it was Johnny and he liked to bicker.

Patt patt.

“I’ll call it my favourite Swedish furniture paradise then,” Johnny finally gave in and Donghyuck burst into laughter because that was _ridiculous_.

“If you keep that up, you will have to buy me double the ice cream for my efforts, Hyung!”

“You can have triple.”

“Quadruple it is.”

The best part about having their dad here was that Donghyuck finally got the chance to introduce all his friends. Before, their parents had only been there for short breaks and all the time together had been tightly planned to also accommodate for visits to countless friends and meetings where kids weren’t welcome at.

It wasn’t like that now. Everything was spontaneous and unplanned and just… life happening by its own pace.

A lot of time to spend as just the four of them, sometimes with their mum on the phone if they could.

Donghyuck had missed this, so, so much, and he cherished every second spent sitting together or lying half-on-top of someone and getting petted until the world felt safe and right again. It was healing and he didn’t have to think about when it would be over because even when their dad would leave again and even when Mark would fly back to Canada, he’d still have Johnny.

And he’d apparently still have a flat or at least a ton of IKEA furniture.

“Why does it look different?” Jaemin wrinkled his nose in disapproval.

“Dude, when did you move in with Jungwoo-Hyung?” Mark asked because that had been the last time Jaemin had been to IKEA, so he had said. Donghyuck had been after that, but he remembered that trip well. It had been fun even though Jungwoo had seemed a bit stressed, but Jungwoo had been easily stressed when he had been younger.

“In 2015 but we only bought stuff after the inheritance fight. Come on, it’s only been a bit why did they rearrange?” Jaemin complained.

Donghyuck felt like Jaemin got a similar shock to the type had gotten a few weeks ago, when he had come back and realised, not unexpected, a lot had changed. Just Jaemin had not been prepared.

“That’s capitalism, they can’t sell the same thing for years,” Donghyuck soothed and Jaemin huffed.

“Fine. Well, let’s get to looking?” Jaemin was about to march off in typical Jaemin-fashion, but their dad cleared his throat and opened the thick catalogue he had picked up at the entrance.

“Alright, boys, let’s decide on a plan of action.”

“Dad, you make that before coming,” Mark looked like the only person not excited to be here with Johnny on the polar opposite end, his tail wagging a little as he bounced over being planned into action – or something.

“Well, we can make it now! We have two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room that should also serve as a guest room if needed, and a kitchen to complete, so I think it’d make the most sense each person gets one room to fully design.”

“Do I get one, too?” Jaemin’s eyes widened when he did the maths.

“Well, you didn’t come here for the fun alone, did you?”

The biggest problem Donghyuck was facing right now, was just _one thing_ that kept becoming more awful. Everything else, at the very least, stayed how it had been until Donghyuck could attend to it. That was okay, he could work with or around that.

As Jaemin and he, appointed to design the bedrooms because it’d allow them to go to the same places, walked down between the displays, Donghyuck felt like every person looked after them and everyone judged him, thought of pictures in too little clothing and sexual acts.

He felt like a walking sex-toy when he knew he was not. He wanted to silence the voices that echoed what he had been told too many times, but they grew louder rather than softer how all those other little demons did.

It wasn’t exclusive to IKEA, it was the same when he was outside and he tried to tell himself he was being paranoid, but it didn’t help.

He was still in a dark blue t-shirt, just in case something brighter might give anyone ideas. He didn’t want to tempt anyone, he didn’t want to risk himself, and he didn’t want to experience what had happened ever again.

He knew he was victim-blaming himself, which made everything even worse.

He tried to just behave less suspiciously, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. The less he acknowledged he had any sort of attractiveness, the more he worried about the smallest details on his body.

“Look, this pulls out and then you have a double-as-big-bed!” Jaemin cheered and pushed the drawer with the extra mattress back into the bed and right out again.

“I know it sounds good, but you always have to judge if it’s hard-soft-enough,” Donghyuck was reluctant to even lie down on a bed in public. What would people think if they saw him there?

It sucked!

“You can choose everything, so you can choose the type that’s right for you!” Jaemin announced after reading the huge tag on the frame.

Having a mattress with the right firmness was important! Donghyuck swallowed and wanted to scream at his head, but that wouldn’t help even though he wanted it to.

“So, one of this for the smaller room. Tell me the shelf-number!” Donghyuck pulled the notes from his pocket as well as the complementary pencil.

“Depends on the colour.”

“I forgot we had to choose that. It all has to match! We have to find a closet first, then. And nightstand. And sheets and carpet and curtains!”

“Was going to IKEA this stressful last time? I had planned to hide in the kitchen exhibition and make Johnny-Hyung find us but there might not be any time!” Jaemin looked shocked.

“I think we don’t fit in there anymore anyway. It was already tight last time.”

“No, no, I can make it work. I mean, if Jeno were here…” Jaemin’s eyes glassed over. Donghyuck gave him a moment of fantasising about his crush before he tugged on his ear.

“Stop dreaming about muscles and get to helping me with the closet!”

“We could hide in the closet!”

“I’ve always wanted to properly come out to our dad, it’s the perfect chance, thank you.”

Donghyuck tried to soothe his worries through jokes, but he couldn’t.

He didn’t want to get hurt again. He was still so ashamed. It was impossible to ignore and impossible to judge what was his head imagining things and what was truly risky, so he ended up unable to even lie down on the mattress to test it.

Just because there was a chance it would lead to more hurt.

It was too scary.

Donghyuck ended up buying everything in white because black was depressing and the fake-wood wouldn’t match. Why IKEA made different types of fake wood was beyond him, but he’d have to deal with it. White was nice and bright and it’d match colourful walls.

In case he’d stay here for longer, he could paint them. He’d not for only staying three months, but as they stacked everything into the rental car, no rush and no deadline was stressing him. Planning to paint walls didn’t seem too absurd.

Once the door was closed tightly and Minjun and Johnny fumbled with the rope to hold the boot lid close, Donghyuck finally scratched where it had been itching on his thigh for the entire time.

He didn’t want to touch when there were people around.

That was what wouldn’t fit with the nice and hopeful feeling in his chest.

It was just… how should he even address it? He couldn’t ask their dad. He wasn’t ready to tell him he felt this way. He wished he could just turn the confidence back on and freely walk around, speak his mind, acknowledge things as natural and nice rather than terrifying, but it didn’t work that way.

The issue was just that not talking about it meant it got worse and worse and worse.

Of course, it did, that was problems always did.

He had planned to just walk to Renjun’s place by himself. It wasn’t far, 30 minutes by foot or 10 by bus.

He couldn’t.

He had tried and barely made it to Seven Eleven three houses from their flat, where he had taken almost half an hour to calm down and dare to go back outside. Whenever someone had come closer to the shelf he had been hiding behind, he had shifted to another, always out of sight, trying to stay safe.

It felt like anyone could be the next to hurt him, anyone might want to see him struggle while they did unspeakable things to him!

He just _knew_ people were looking.

Who had seen that video? Who had seen the pictures and imagined to take more?

It could be everyone and it felt like the next person was planning to grab him the second he stepped outside, so all he could do was run back home, fear spiking adrenaline to the point that he was shaking but unable to stop because he was terrified anyone could try to hurt him.

He had run up the stairs, unable to bear even waiting for the lift, but the second the door had closed, the fear had gotten replaced by misery.

“Donghyuckie, it’s okay, you need to give yourself time.”

“But-but-but I don’t want to wait forever!” he tried to stop crying, but he was so upset, he couldn’t, “It’s just a walk why can’t I do that? I’m so stupid!”

Minjun gently rubbed his back and Donghyuck curled up tighter on the newly built-up bed.

“You are anything but. My little impatient child, hm?”

Donghyuck shook with another sob.

“You have to remember health is like a flower, that needs time to develop from the earth into a beautiful blossom, always carefully nourished with sunlight and water.”

“And-and then I get an-another sunburn? I don’t like falling water! I hate this!”

He realised he was being immature and unreasonable, but he was so tired of all of this.

“Stupid baby steps!”

Minjun just kept rubbing his back while Donghyuck cried harder, all his frustration needing an outlet.

He didn’t even know what he wanted to hear.

He knew he couldn’t promise Donghyuck some secret way to make this go quicker. He had barely had two weeks to overcome months of hell. Still. Now he couldn’t even touch his tail while showering anymore, nevermind he still hated falling water with a burning passion but baths were unthinkable, and he couldn’t go to visit his boyfriend!

Donghyuck pressed his face tightly into the sheets, so his scream was muffled, but he needed to let it out and no words would ever suffice.

Minjun seemed to know it wouldn’t help to hear reasonable suggestions. Donghyuck knew all the reasonable suggestions and he hated them right now. He wanted to go and visit his boyfriend and he wanted to just wash up without suffering additionally.

So he screamed into the blankets until it felt a bit better.

When he flopped around, his face felt hot from all this mess.

Minjun switched to petting his tummy and Donghyuck calmed down until he stopped crying.

He didn’t know what to say. He felt dumb, again, still, had he ever not?

Urgh.

“I know you hate baby steps, but you’ve been taking a lot of them and I’m very proud of you for handling this situation so maturely.”

Donghyuck did hate baby steps. He sniffed and wrinkled his nose.

“Okay. Thank you. I feel like I’m doing the opposite of mature stuff, but okay. Thanks for putting up with me.”

Minjun smiled, “I’m not putting up with you, I’m happy I can be here for you. Expressing emotions is very important, I told you so many times. In non-harmful ways, of course.”

“Hmpf. The skin under my eyes feels like it’ll peel again.”

“It hasn’t yet, I think it’ll pull through. And about your little sun-sensitivity, how about we get you a medium SPF sunscreen? That way you get more protection as well as the chance to tan a bit?”

Donghyuck blinked through his wet lashes.

“There are medium SPFs?” he whispered. He felt like crying again, over sunscreen. This was what it was coming to…

“There are. 20 or 30? We could try those.”

“Okay, please,” Donghyuck nodded and scrambled to sit up slowly, drying his face for good. Minjun chuckled and ruffled his hair before he got off the bed when the bell rang. That was probably Mark, back from the gym with Johnny. Donghyuck might want to go there and just hit and kick something for 30 minutes… he’d have to eat more before. He needed to gain more weight before thinking about muscle.

“That must be your visitor!” Minjun chirped.

“I didn’t invite anyone?” Donghyuck had been invited over, but he had informed Renjun is wouldn’t happen. He felt upset again.

“I invited someone for you!” Minjun was already leaving the room and Donghyuck wondered if he should follow? Who one earth had their dad invited? Did he even have anyone’s number? How bad did his face look? Was he in any shape to received guests?

As he was still wondering, he heard the “Ah, hello Mr L-Minjun-sshi, nice to see you again!”

Renjun!

Donghyuck was off his bed and met Renjun half-way in the door.

“Renjun, Injoon, Injoonie!” He had come! He’d still get to see him!

His boyfriend groaned when Donghyuck wrapped him into a surprise-hug. He had not even really considered inviting Renjun over because he had been busy with Union stuff, but maybe that could wait? He was here now and Donghyuck was so happy!

“Oh my god, I’m not Johnny-Hyung,” Renjun groaned and tried to push Donghyuck off, but he didn’t let himself be pushed off. He knew Renjun was just pretending and he held on. Renjun stopped struggling and sighed, patting Donghyuck’s back while he nuzzled into the crook of his shoulder. Renjun was slim, had always been, but Donghyuck liked that.

“I’m so happy you came! Thank you!”

“Um, yeah, I feel very appreciated,” Renjun awkwardly chuckled. Donghyuck looked up and saw Minjun still at the door, watching them but face like he was lost in thoughts.

He shuffled away and dragged Renjun from sight without closing the door. Renjun let himself be pushed around until they reached the bed. There were wet patches on the sheets… what a mess.

“I do appreciate you a lot!” Donghyuck muttered. He had to take a deep breath and let go of bad voices, but it worked with familiar people. The issue always arose with strangers until he was so stiff from fear he barely remembered to breathe.

“Do you feel better? You sounded so upset and you cried, right?” Renjun whispered and gently ran a finger over his cheeks where the evidence must still be visible.

“Yeah. Just a bit of mindless crying… I’m frustrated. It got to me because I really wanted to go and see you since it’s so convenient, but then I couldn’t. Did you get your stuff done already?” Donghyuck looked up and met Renjun’s eyes.

“It’s nothing urgent. I wasn’t sure if I could come until Minjun-sshi messaged me. I thought it was spam, to be honest.”

Donghyuck giggled, “He uses too many emojis, right?”

“Yeah, um, I mean, kinda. It’s not super important, you’re much more important, don’t worry about that stuff if you want me to come over, alright? Always tell me, I’ll always put you first if I can!”

Donghyuck sniffled and wrapped himself around Renjun properly, pressing his face against his shoulder, “Thank you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Minjun know or does he not? What do you think? :D
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	18. Chapter 18

Donghyuck didn’t feel like crying more, so he didn’t. He just held onto Renjun for a bit.

To think he had thought he’d lose this… he really should have expected more. A lot more.

Renjun patiently waited and petted over his neck carefully. Taeil had not yet pulled the threads, but Renjun was the only one who remembered they were there before he was already touching him – including Donghyuck – at this point.

“Boys, I’ll have to get more rice, seems we ran out. I’ll be back in twenty to thirty minutes, but Mark might be back before me,” Donghyuck heard Minjun from the door.

“Bye,” he returned, not having to raise his voice a lot with the open door.

The front one fell shut and Renjun took a deep breath then asked,

“Does your dad know?”

Donghyuck sat up, looking at him in surprise.

“I didn’t tell him, why?”

“I think he knows just how everyone knew Taeil and Jungwoo were crushing on each other years before the two realised.”

“Nana said they had figured it out for longer…”

“I’m just asking if this might be an issue?” Renjun’s brows were furrowed in worry.

Donghyuck paused to think.

“I don’t know? I never talked about that with him. I mean… He knows I’m pan, but that’s kind of the norm for Hybrids anyway, but there was never really an opportunity… I don’t know what Mark thinks either? I…” Donghyuck swallowed. He had just been glad to have underestimated how Renjun would feel about him despite what had happened, but he wasn’t sure what someone would say about this relationship that was so out of the norm? 

Once more, he remembered how sure his friends were these relationships were doomed to fail.

“I think he doesn’t disapprove, right? Or he wouldn’t have done this, would he?” Renjun softly pointed out.

Donghyuck shook his head, then paused again, “I’m actually not sure, urgh. I mean, he does not disapprove of gay relationships and he’s really supportive of Ten-Hyung and Johnny-Hyung, mum is, too. I just don’t know, you know?”

“Human?” Renjun chipped in.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck sunk against him. His heart was hammering in his chest nervously, “I don’t know how to tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to say something bad about this, about us, particularly about you! You’re nothing of the bad things they see in Hybrids and human relationships!”

Renjun was the opposite of all of that.

He was wonderful!

“You are neither! I don’t want anyone to say anything bad about you, ever, but I don’t know how to avoid that either,” Renjun muttered and looked like he was trying to come up with a way on the spot nevertheless.

“Oh, yeah, let’s face it, we can definitely not avoid the names,” Donghyuck muttered unhappily, “but I’m not so much scared about assholes, who’d always be nasty and can go to hell. I worry about those who aren’t ones. Those scare me more.”

Renjun hummed, “Me, too, to be honest.”

Donghyuck glanced at him again. Renjun noticed he was staring and turned his head.

“I also don’t want to hide forever. I don’t want to come up with excuses and be ashamed,” he knew this could work! He just wished he could make people see that first and then tell them how he was one of those lucky to have a wonderful partner that just happened to not be the same species as he. If Minjun had figured out, he didn’t want to deny his love for Renjun.

“No, me neither, not anymore! I’m absolutely done with being ashamed of my own feelings!”

Donghyuck couldn’t hold the small smile at the passion in Renjun’s words.

“I like the attitude you got while I was gone. It’s attractive.”

Renjun immediately flushed pink and then pushed Donghyuck away, but he held on, again, giggling. He would have said it’s sexy, it’s hot, but the words didn’t feel fully comfortable again yet.

“Stop teasing, Lee Donghyuck!”

“Never, Huang Renjun!”

Renjun could pretend to be a cactus all he wanted, Donghyuck knew the inside was very soft.

“Jun has the fourth tone,” Renjun whispered and Donghyuck realised how close his face suddenly was after the back and forth.

“The fourth tone sounds too harsh, my tongue can’t do it.”

Renjun rolled his eyes at the new excuse and Donghyuck smiled sweetly. It was true, he always messed this part up, but he tried. He knew it meant a lot to Renjun even though he still always messed something up.

He was still very close and Donghyuck was a bit nervous, but he was itching to get even closer.

Did he ask? For a kiss?

It hadn’t even been that long, but now everything was different and Donghuck had forgotten how this worked.

He inched closer. Just a little and Renjun held still. He gave him time but signalled he wanted this, too.

Still, he’d rather ask. It wouldn’t hurt.

“Can we kiss?”

“I’m not the native here, but I think ‘can’ is the wrong verb form.”

“Say yes or I’ll not do it!” Donghyuck’s voice was a little shaky. He really wanted to do this but not without a clear yes.

“Yes, please!” Renjun shut his eyes and Donghyuck did as well, closing the small distance left between them until their lips met and the heart racing turned from nervous to just… good, the type of heart-racing love gave you.

Donghyuck had always been the one to take the lead when it came to physical things and Renjun letting him take it now made him feel even safer. He knew he could trust Renjun, but he was automatically the one suggesting the pace like this and not the one to say stop.

“Did I say I love you yet?” Donghyuck whispered between kisses because he felt nothing else right now. No fear, no anxiety, just love and happiness. He felt completely right.

“Hm, you did now,” Renjun mumbled back and let Donghyuck silence him with another kiss. He had not been able to do this for too long. He wanted to make up for missed kisses. He loved kissing and he loved kissing Renjun the most.

When he pulled away, it was only because he wasn’t ready for more. But he would. Just how he had needed some healing to do this.

“Are you going to stay for dinner? We might not have a table yet because we forgot to buy the top, but we will have enough rice for sure.”

“You forgot to buy the top? How?”

“We always forget something; it’s a rare talent. Dad and Johnny-Hyung will go back and buy it tomorrow.”

“Alright, well, I guess I can eat off any surface, I’d appreciate it. The goshiwon isn’t a good place for cooking.”

Donghyuck nodded and thought back…

“Say, just for future planning, I have a question. I want to tell everyone, so, my family, Taeil-Hyung and everyone there, but also the people from the Union. One day, not sure when yet. Whom do you want to tell?”

Renjun pulled his legs up and wrinkled his forehead. The question wasn’t straight, but Renjun wasn’t going to miss Donghyuck wanted to know if he planned to tell his family – so, his grandparents. Donghyuck had never met them and only knew them from the stories Renjun had told him. He wasn’t exactly excited to meet people like them, narrowminded and conservative, but they were Renjun’s family, loving or not.

“I guess everyone at Heaven and the inner circle from the Union, too. I don’t know about my grandparents…” Renjun’s hand found his ears again and gently stroked over the soft fur, “I know they’ll be nasty. They already are, but I have to face it. They’d be even worse towards you, I’m sure. I don’t want them to hurt you!”

Silence was normally comfortable between them, but now it was stiff.

“If I wanted to meet them, though, would you say no?” Donghyuck asked softly.

He didn’t have to wait for a reply, not how he had needed a second to word the question, “No!”

Of course not. It was a relief.

“But I do want you to really think about it. I think they should be the last, in any case. They’re, honestly, the least important and least entitled to this information because they don’t usually care.”

Donghyuck frowned and reached up to stroke over Renjun’s head. Renjun said it didn’t feel super reassuring, but it did to Donghyuck, so he did it anyway.

“Sorry. But maybe they’ll surprise you?”

Renjun snorted and frowned, “I think hell will sooner freeze over.”

Donghyuck didn’t comment. He would give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, just maybe, Renjun was too pessimistic. He tended to think of the worst. One could hope…

Even though it was just for the tabletop, Donghyuck skipped out of going to IKEA again.

There, conveniently, were more important things to do for him other than figuring out how to behave around strangers. Like those stitches, that had been supposed to come out on Tuesday.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t go with them? And instead came here to help me with the bathroom?” Jaemin’s bi-coloured eyes almost took the shape of question marks from his confusion.

“It’s from the goodness of my heart, why aren’t you appreciating my sacrifice appropriately? Also, I want to take a bath and our bathroom isn’t finished,” Donghyuck had made that plan when Taeil had said it’d be best if he washed before pulling the threats because it’d agitate everything and he’d have another 24-hour water ban.

“Ha! Ulterior motives! I knew it!”

“Did you just splash water on me?”

“Maybe so?”

In the blink of an eye, Donghyuck had soaked his rug and was by Jaemin’s side, pressing it against the back of his shirt, getting everything wet and cold.

Jaemin screeched and jerked away, only to grab Donghyuck and push him dangerously close to the bucket of soapy water.

“Ew! Ew! Nana, don’t you dare!”

Donghyuck instead got the wet rug to the face, which called for making Jaemin taste his own medicine. It was, unfortunately, a losing fight because Donghyuck didn’t usually physically brawl and Jaemin also had the edge in size. Donghyuck felt the wet rug on his neck and squeaked in disgust while trying to pick up the bucket to dump over Jaemin, but they were interrupted.

“Oh my god, what are you doing, I thought someone got hurt!”

Donghyuck froze, as did Jaemin under his hands, and they slowly turned to the door, where Taeyong stood. His hair was clipped back and he was in the flowery-apron he used for cleaning. What kind of nerds had cleaning aprons…

“Donghyuck, you just suffered from a concussion and Hyung is going to pull the stitches today, you aren’t supposed to exhaust yourself yet! And the wood isn’t water-proof!”

Donghyuck sheepishly looked to where some had splashed from his bucket against the door of the supply closet.

“Did you get hurt?” Jaemin asked, suddenly worried and already searching Donghyuck for open wounds.

“I’m fine or I would have said something, don’t worry. Sorry, Hyung, I’ll clean it up,” Donghyuck didn’t feel more guilty than he normally would have, but offering to clean up was a new thing he had decided to add to his collection of good traits – copied from Johnny.

“Ah, let me help you, okay? It’s not that bad,” Taeyong came inside and grabbed a new towel from the closet.

It seemed like Jaemin used the chance to disappear into thin air, but Donghyuck had no desire to follow him and instead soaked the water off the ground while Taeyong dabbed the wood dry.

Maybe this was that mature-thing their dad had told him he now did?

“I just got really worried because you were screaming. I overreacted,” Taeyong muttered suddenly.

“Oh. Sorry for worrying you and thank you for checking,” Donghyuck truly did appreciate that. It made him feel safe and appreciated and he only felt a little bit weird because harder fates… but it was okay, especially with Taeyong, it was okay.

“Sure. I know Nana wouldn’t, but I didn’t remember at that moment. I guess it’s because you’re a cat and not a dog, I just feel even more protective. It’s fine, just leave it like that.”

“Hyung, I have a question because you are a cat, too,” Donghyuck burst out. He looked around, but Jaemin was gone. Always the same with the puppies… he quickly jumped up and closed the door, just in case.

He hadn’t even thought about this much. He had mulled over what to say to Ten and Xiaojun to apologise for never realising the articles written on them must have been a burden, but he hadn’t even had the chance to speak to them yet because Ten was working and so was Xiaojun, away at some entertainment company’s recording studio.

In lights of him being here because he had been too scared to go to IKEA and risk any stranger’s eyes on him, it felt like asking Taeyong for help was a very good idea, though.

Taeyong was balancing on the balls of his feet, still crouched down and with his clipped fringe sticking up against his ears. The clips had the same emerald colour of his eyes – Taeyong was someone to colour-coordinate his cleaning outfits. It was nerdy but cute. Donghyuck knew Taeyong’s colour in the code-system was also a medium green, though not many things were made with the same intense shade his eyes had.

When he had first met him, Donghyuck had been a little jealous of those. They were what breeders liked to see and he had still had those ideas of what he was to look like engrained in his brain. It wasn’t like that anymore. Donghyuck liked his own eyes well-enough.

And his eyes were the ones Renjun liked the most.

Donghyuck sat down on the edge of the bathtub. The instinct to balance overcame him just how it had Taeyong, so he did, raising his feet. He could do all of this here, it was safe here – but outside, where strangers would judge him, this would be a problem.

“I have a plan. And in this plan, I want to learn to handle the anxiety before I go back to Union work. Not overcome because that might be longer and I want to go back really badly. I’ve been working hard the last weeks and I found some ways to deal with it and not let it be so terrible anymore, but there’s this… urgh, shame. And fear to lead someone on, it’s really bad. Since I was always told there was something about me that was… seductive? I don’t feel seductive, I’m just… there.”

Donghuyck had used to make fun of that, but he couldn’t anymore. It was difficult to even speak of because all of this was connected to pain. He didn’t like pain, he didn’t like to hurt. No one did, probably.

Taeyong slowly nodded, folding his hands over his knees. He’d fit into a shoebox if he tried.

“I think I know. My breeder always… well, I don’t know how yours raised you, you know, regarding sexual services you’d maybe be expected to perform?”

“Oh, that, yeah, we had lots of classes, but never touch yourself, right? Virgins sell better,” Donghyuck shivered from thinking about all the gross implications behind that. Hybrids sold at fourteen! That was a child! Sure, one that was discovering sexuality and might be starting to experiment with others their age, but those buying them were never their age, much less their equal!

Taeyong got up and sat down in front of the bathtub. Donghyuck felt weird about sitting over him, so he climbed down to be next to him.

“Is it that? That you lost your virginity and feel dirty because of that? Because it’s a really harmful concept, to begin with. No one gets used up through having sex multiple times or with multiple partners, right? I mean, it must be awful if the first time is not even sex but rape, but it doesn’t make you worth any less and I’m sure future experiences could be really good!”

Donghyuck felt heat creep over his face.

“Not… really, um, I, you know, wasn’t. So. I was rather…” Donghyuck hated how he couldn’t find the words, but it was what it was. He’d have to take time, he guessed. Stupid baby-steps.

“You weren’t a virgin?” Taeyong echoed and Donghyuck flushed deeper but nodded, “Oh, sorry, I just assumed. I guess that’s nice then, that the first memories aren’t such terrible ones! Okay, if it’s not that, what is it?”

Donghyuck took a deep breath. It was okay, this was a safe space, he wanted to get help from someone who probably suffered from similar experiences, he could talk about it.

“Basically, I feel like people, strangers, just see me as a sex-toy. Wherever I go, whoever it is. I don’t know how to not think everyone thinks that even though I don’t want to. I can’t even touch my tail properly anymore, I feel so ashamed because I always think someone could connect anything I do to a sexual act when it’s absolutely not but just because I’m a cat Hybrid and they exploit so many for that! It’s gotten worse, actually, I don’t even want to touch it when I’m alone.”

Donghyuck couldn’t suppress the tremble of his voice.

Again, his tail was cute, it was soft, it was part of him. He didn’t want to not like part of his body!

“That’s really mean, I’m sorry anyone made you feel this way,” Taeyong muttered and took Donghyuck’s hand to stroke over, “But I get it. The feeling. I’d not call it a source of my anxiety, but it can be uncomfortable. Sometimes there are people where you just know they’re stripping you in their imagination, it’s really gross.”

Donghyuck hummed. His tail brushed against Taeyong’s and he jerked it away. He had been making really good progress, but with this, he was stuck.

Which was why he was asking for help!

Patt patt.

“My breeder made us feel that way. When we were 13, he’d switch to calling us sexy instead of anything else, connecting that to anything that could remotely qualify as seductive or sexual. I don’t know why exactly, I guess to build up confidence? Or to put us onto the right track? I never liked it. It’s still not something I generally want to be, just maybe on special occasions. But if everything you do is suddenly sexy, that makes you feel weird and self-conscious.”

“It’s exactly like that. I might just be drinking bubble tea and then I get a look and feel like the other person is thinking of explicit things. I hate it!”

Taeyong hummed and drew triangles onto the back of Donghyuck’s hand.

“I don’t know if this will work for you. I think your way of handling everything is in the wrecking ball-way. Which is okay because it seems to be the right way for you; you look so, so much happier and that makes me happy, so I’m not saying you have to change that. I’m not the wrecking ball-type, though. Sure, there are people who do think what you expect them to, but not many. You have to break that link.

“For me, it helps me to slowly build up to something, in this case maybe touching your tail. I’d try it alone first, think how it’s just normal. Then maybe with people I trust a lot, in a safe cycle, then with people I don’t trust as much, before finally trying it in a strange situation. The more confident I become and the more I normalise it instead of worrying, the less I care about what others think and it shouldn’t concern me anyway. As long as things are how they are, some will think of us and connect us to pornography and sexual things. So, I’m, trying to make it so I can handle this situation where they think this way and still be happy and healthy because I know they’re wrong and I don’t have to prove myself to them.”

“Yeah, but we have to change their mindsets!” Donghyuck huffed. He had never liked how it had been cat and bunny Hybrids that humans had decided to label as the lowest of the low. There wasn’t much of a difference between bunny, cat, or dog. On the contrary, dogs typically had the strongest instincts and only because those might work in an owner’s favour, had humans decided to recognise a bit more of their abilities.

“That’d be the wrecking ball I was talking about,” Taeyong gently pointed out.

“Right. Okay, please recommend something non-wrecking ball?”

Taeyong chuckled and nodded.

“I’d take baby steps.” 

Donghyuck groaned and let his body slide to the ground limply, but Taeyong didn’t entertain him in his antics. He just kept holding his hand and talking, “Maybe you’d be comfortable touching my tail? Because I don’t mind it when it’s touched by others?” he suggested.

Donghyuck didn’t generally dislike others touching his tail, but because he had less control over it, it felt restrictive quickly when someone had too tight a grip on it. Most people had too tight a grip on tails, even other Hybrids. It wasn’t a typical petting-zone because it was kind of icky for most.

He did feel this deep-rooted dread imagining how touching Taeyong’s tail would be.

But there was no one here and Donghyuck knew as much as Taeyong that it took a bit of skill and a lot of purpose to make the touch on a tail arousing. It was like hands – it could be, but not accidentally. You wouldn’t suddenly not use your hands anymore or not dare to touch them, right? They were just hands, just how a tail was just a tail. Taeyong was right, if he’d normalise it to himself again, he’d stop caring so much about other people.

“I hate baby steps,” Donghyuck muttered as he collected himself off the ground. He looked to where Taeyong’s tail was resting. It was sleek and grey, elegant, how everything about Taeyong was, “why is everything baby steps?” He wanted to take gigantic steps, so he’d quickly become better!

“Because they’re cute! I love cute things!” Taeyong chirped with so much confidence, Donghyuck’s bad mood over feeling like he was moving at snail speed when he wanted to move at cheetah speed was completely derailed.

Taeyong picked his tail up and started running his fingers over it with the growth.

It immediately made Donghyuck want to tell him to stop.

People might look.

They’d imagine things.

They’d want to hurt him.

But he bit his tongue and redirected everything into ‘it’s just a figging _tail_!’ Obviously, he’d think others think these things if _he_ did. He had to break that thinking pattern, it all made sense!

So he repeated how it was just a body-part over and over until no other thought dared to annoy him anymore.

Taeyong rested his head on his shoulder when Donghyuck reached out and let his hand pet over the sleek fur next to his. It only took a few seconds until Donghyuck felt his purr.

See? Just a tail.

A really cute and elegant tail.

Part of his body, part of Taeyong’s body, not something to ever be ashamed of.

Donghyuck’s own tail twitched when he touched it. He didn’t exactly like to pet it because after a few minutes his spine would start to tingle when he couldn’t move it freely, similarly how it was when he was sitting still somewhere.

Once more, he felt dread and wrong and awkward, but he repeated how it was just a tail while slowly following over the stripes and watching the fur go from dark to light, dark to light.

“Patterns are so cute,” Taeyong muttered, sounding sleepy form the cuddling.

“Jealous?” Donghyuck teased.

“Hm. Sometimes a little. Only grey is so boring. Kun has dots and Ten has these pretty shifts and you have all different shades, it’s more exciting.”

Donghyuck let the tip slide between his fingers and let go because his tail wanted to go somewhere else.

“I was always jealous of your eyes. I’m not anymore, but they’re really beautiful.”

“Thank you. I guess wanting something you don’t have is just something people sometimes do, with or without good reason.”

“Yep. You just have to remember there is no good reason and then let it go.”

“Yeah. Wow, you’re so mature, Hyuckie, it’s like yesterday you and Nana destroyed the house and now? You’re an adult already, I’m so proud of you!” Taeyong whispered and Donghyuck had to swallow thickly.

It did feel that way.

He had changed. Jaemin had changed. Everyone had, some more some less.

It was just life happening and leaving marks on all of them.

“But that’s good, right?” he still asked softly.

“Of course, that’s good. Growing up is normal and it’s good. No one expects you to stay a kitten forever and growing up means new possibilities are opening up. New challenges, too, of course, but that just means more chances to grow. Circle of life.”

Donghyuck smiled to himself. The tune of Lion King started in his head and he began to hum it.

Wait!

He hadn’t done that in a while, had he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	19. Chapter 19

Taking a bath, it turned out, was the kind of wrecking-ball thing he liked to do.

But he got through it and without any water in his ears. Just a little shaky from nerves, all good, he had this under control.

“It looks exactly how I want it to!” Taeil happily announced when Donghyuck was dried, re-dressed, and sitting on the patient bed in his treatment room, “Even the scaring is relatively minor, but your hair hides it anyway. No need to worry at all.”

“Thank you,” Donghyuck muttered and then bit his teeth together because whatever Taeil was doing felt really awful. Like pulling his skin off his skull. Disgusting!

The room was silent as Taeil was working and Jaehyun wordlessly handed him the tools he needed.

Taeil had a few photos hung up around his computer. They were too far away for Donghyuck to properly see them, but he needed a distraction to avoid becoming sick.

Some were old, Doyoung as a wide-eyed 10-year-old with a juice pack being the oldest. Every single one of them looked so much younger, even those who had already been adults when they had first come to become part of Taeil’s family. In many, you could see the demons in their eyes, still haunting them. Donghyuck knew all of those by heart from the many times he had stared at them to pass the time waiting. Some were newer, happier, those Donghyuck didn’t all know by heart.

There was no family photo here. It was just snapshots of the kids over the years. One selfie, taken on Cheongdam bridge, where both Taeil and Jungwoo happened to be in, but it was also old, so old Jaehyun’s hair had not yet grown back and Jungwoo’s face still held baby-fat on his cheeks. Well, he still kind of had that, but he was nearing 30 and no one looked quite like a baby anymore at 30.

No newer photo with the two just smiling in a casual setting how they hung in their flat upstairs.

No one even knew they shared that flat.

No one could know Taeil’s fiancé was a man.

No one could know Jungwoo’s fiancé was a man.

Donghyuck startled when something felt particularly nasty and Taeil softly apologised and said he was almost done.

He knew they had to hide this and they were fully prepared to do so forever. Jungwoo’s family had disowned him for being gay. He was no longer in touch with them anymore, just a little with his sisters, but that, too, was kept a secret. Taeil’s mother supported him, but also in secret.

It was too risky.

Just how Renjun had once said he could never tell anyone, they had decided to put their professional careers above their personal lives. Everyone they cared about did know, but they could never be truly free about their relationship.

It was something Donghyuck had only learnt when he had already been in his later teenage years. He had never known because why should he have? Hybrids, male or female, were expected to serve anyone. Breeders never gave them the idea it would be weird to be with someone of the same gender. It would be a hassle to then explain why they still had to do it and were promoted as ‘basically like girls’ because humans took such issue with men sexually being with men in particular.

Donghyuck was definitely _not_ basically a girl, but he was pansexual and glad he had never had to face the same struggles Renjun or Jungwoo or Taeil had. If Hybrids were given one tiny good thing in their lives, it was that.

“All done. There’s a tiny bit of bleeding, so we’ll have to leave your hair up for now or the washing would have been in vain. Jaehyun, can you hold this please?”

Jaehyun stepped behind him and took the gauze, to protect said hair, from Taeil, who went to discard the disposable materials into the rubbish bin.

“I’m really glad we were able to get that done today. Do you feel dizzy? You look a little pale?”

“It’s fine now. It felt like you were picking my skin off my bones, pretty gross.”

“Yeah, it’s a bit like that. Since you’re here, let’s quickly run over your medication?”

Donghyuck nodded. He had not been keeping his weekly check-up schedule too well because of the entire situation being messy. He wanted to get back into the swing of things to restore normality.

“How many doses of relievers did you take since we last spoke?” Taeil scooted to his computer and opened the file for notes. They had last spoken ten days ago, the Wednesday after Donghyuck had admitted he had a problem.

“Nine, I didn’t have nightmares on Saturday and Monday, but I did run on Sunday,” Donghyuck recalled.

Patt patt.

“Good. How was the running, did you take it in preparation or as reparation?”

Donghyuck was happy Taeil handled everything how he did. He acknowledged the attacks at night but didn’t press for more because he couldn’t help him other than give him relievers, which he did. There wasn’t much more to tell anyway. Activity related attacks, on the other hand, were Taeil’s field of expertise.

“I kinda did it on short notice, so after?” Donghyuck admitted.

“Alright. Have you had any other sort of issues during the week?”

“No, all normal.”

“I’ll check your lungs for any worrying sounds then. Are you going to come next week? If not, please make an appointment for lung capacity testing the week after, I want to make sure we’re keeping everything monitored.”

Donghyuck nodded and felt a small smile as Taeil fished his stethoscope from the drawer.

He didn’t have to worry about leaving this and about going to a not-nice doctor again.

Once more, he felt relieved.

He had not yet officially done anything, he was still expected to return to Vassar in September and he didn’t want to give that up quite yet. Even as he mourned this chance, he knew for him, personally and selfishly, this was the right choice.

And there would be plan C anyway.

No one was giving anything up for good here.

Since Johnny and Minjun would eat at IKEA (Donghyuck was low-key jealous because he liked the fish there so much) he would stay here for a bit longer. He remembered he had previously claimed Taeil did not run a guest house, but maybe he did. Or rather, Taeyong did.

Before that, he had another matter on his mind. Now, in the late afternoon, Sooyould would already be home, all of Taeil and Jungwoo’s work related to talks and books and statements organised for the day.

Only Ten would still be there, running the office how he always did.

Ten, whom Donghyuck still wanted to apologise to for being ignorant and selfish. Getting privacy here, where everyone was always in a pile with others, was difficult and Donghyuck knew Johnny would stick to his boyfriend once he came. Now was his best chance even though they would be interrupted by patients arriving.

Instead of going to the back and upstairs, he made his way to the front.

Ten was in a blue polo-shirt and looked up. Donghyuck had heard Johnny go off about how beautiful blue looked on him and how wonderfully it matched his eyes too many times, it automatically popped up in his head now.

Admittedly, the blue did look good and Ten had very pretty eyes, ice blue, as desirable as Taeyong’s, but, again, Renjun liked Donghyuck’s eyes best, so he wasn’t jealous anymore.

“Oh, hi! An unexpected visitor,” Ten smiled and Donghyuck returned that, walking over without another invitation.

“Yep. I thought I’d chew your ear off since you must be bored,” Donghyuck tried to tease. He was still not fully back to normal in that regard, so he was more careful as to not go too far too quickly.

“Sure, I’m very bored at my place of work, I wish I knew what to do to busy myself. Thank you for saving the day,” Ten laughed and pinched Donghyuck’s waist when he was close enough. There was still barely anything to pinch there, but more than there used to be when he had first come.

“You’re welcome. Who’s still coming?” Donghyuck tried to move the mouse, but Ten tutted and pushed his hand away.

“Patient privacy!”

Donghyuck sighed, but he understood and didn’t try again even though he could have.

“I actually need an appointment for lung capacity testing in two weeks,” he remembered because even though he had come to talk, he was suddenly discouraged and didn’t know where to begin despite having held the conversation a million times in his head.

“Okay, sure, any preferences?” Ten moved the mouse and opened the calendar. Donghyuck didn’t look at the screen. Ten was right, people deserved privacy.

“Urgh, let me check when Johnny-Hyung has shootings…”

“Tuesday,” Ten supplied without even thinking for a second and Donghyuck looked up.

“Aw, you’re so cute, do you also count the days ever since you got together and celebrate whenever they’re divisible by 5?”

Ten raised his eyebrow challengingly.

“Maybe we do, do you think Johnny wouldn’t do that?”

Donghyuck hesitated. Actually, it sounded like exactly what Johnny would do…

“Nevermind. So, actually, Mark would probably bring me, too. I can do every day other than Wednesday because of Union meetings and Thursday because I have therapy on that day that week and that usually ruins the rest of it for me,” he announced.

“Let’s do Monday then, that way you get it done and over with. 10 am?”

Donghyuck nodded and added the date to his calendar.

“I didn’t know you were back to Union stuff already?” Ten said and he did a good job at sounding nonchalant, but Donghyuck knew what he was doing.

And rightfully so.

“I’m not. I’m still on break but…” Donghyuck twisted his phone between his fingers, “I really want to go back as soon as possible. Maybe I’ll already have things in check enough to feel comfortable next week. I miss it so much.”

Ten’s eyes were attentive and he nodded in understanding.

“I’d want to the same if just to spite them,” he smiled and Donghyuck broke into one as well. It was nice to be reminded to take his time, of course, he appreciated it. It was also nice to have someone tell him it was okay to do it wrecking-ball-style.

“Yeah, I want them to be scared, preferably.”

Ten laughed and nodded.

Now would be a good time to say he was sorry if he had been too brash before, but as he opened his mouth, so did the door to the patient rooms and Ten had to do his actual job.

By the time they were out the door, someone else arrived and Donghyuck felt his confidence go down the drain as he had to wait and his anxiety had time to get worse again.

He was still scared someone might change their minds and turn to hate him over something he had done…

“Honestly, I think they’re already mightily scared,” Ten pointed out once they were alone again.

“Really?” Donghyuck blinked.

Ten nodded, his face turning dark, “They took very extreme measures to try to shut you up. They knew you were the one who’d finally make them into the criminals they are. They also knew you wouldn’t just let it go. By no means does that excuse anything, but they knew they had to hit very hard to break you – or at least they tried to break you, but they did not. They’re scared and for good reason.”

It was a compliment, but Donghyuck felt guilt and shame.

Guilt because Ten had a fate so much more gruesome than him, he didn’t feel like he deserved Ten saying any of this.

Shame because Ten had reminded him of what was still out there.

And stop. He wouldn’t let his anxiety run wild with this.

Ten had said this without anyone even suggesting he should. There was no reason to feel guilty, he could accept this. Again, it was not a race whose abuse was the worst, they both knew Ten was strong, protective, and didn’t take anyone’s bullshit, yet he had been mistreated so gruesomely, he had been scared to even look at a person like Johnny – an attack dog like the ones who had hurt him.

He didn’t have to remind Ten that his abuse was worse, Ten knew that, but he still comforted Donghyuck and let him know what he had experienced had been terrible, too. It would forever haunt him, undeletable and wandering through the worldwide dark web. It was also bad.

Whoever had seen the video and enjoyed it, Donghyuck shouldn’t feel ashamed in front of. They were clearly a disgusting person. Anyone else who might have seen the video, must have seen the violence, not the sexual part of it. There was no reason to be ashamed of that either.

Patt patt.

“Okay. Thank you,” Donghyuck muttered and blinked his tears away. He didn’t want them right now.

“You’re welcome,” and, once more, now would be a good time to apologise, but they were interrupted.

“Hello!” a not really familiar voice, belonging to a very familiar person, chirped and Donghyuck turned to see Chenle come through the door.

His curly white hair had always used to be cut perfectly when he had been younger and he, Jisung, and Yangyang had looked like an adorable trio of puppy dogs. Now, it was a bit too long, hanging into his eyes. The clothing he wore fit nowhere with the bright smile and white curls. It was almost all black, with some dark red, his jeans ripped, but then his shoes fit as poorly as his curly white hair, almost brand new Air Jordans.

“What are you doing here?” Chenle asked, staring at Donghyuck while Ten typed something on his keyboard.

“I have chronic asthma,” Donghyuck deadpanned back. If there had to be an interruption, he was glad it was Chenle who had come! He had a way to make you feel happy. “Why are you?”

“Right, totally forgot about that, sorry. Well, I personally am getting an injection of the hormones I’m low on. It’s not knife throwing this time, though the feeling can be similar,” Chenle grinned.

“We are all very happy that was a one-time occasion and you are all old enough to not play with knives anymore!” Ten cut in, sounding a bit stressed.

“Are we?” Chenle snickered and leaned over the counter, the three tags on his collar clinking together.

Ten grabbed his cheek and started squeezing it until Chenle whined and promised no plans for knife-throwing were being made. It was fun, it felt so normal and Donghyuck got a bit lost in remembering when they had first become friends. That had been before Jungwoo and Taeil had even gotten together yet, before he had known Renjun.

A different life, one where he had had no clue about Hybrid rights.

Even the life when he had known about Hybrid rights had been different before he had gotten hurt. However, that life he wanted and could get back to – the other one was over for good.

Chenle was released from Ten’s grasp and with another chirp of ‘see you later’ disappeared into the waiting area.

“Ten-Hyung, I wanted to say sorry for always having been excited over any articles addressing the place you once had to live at. I never realised there was anything bad to people finding out about the things you had to go through, I just saw the positives of that bringing us more attention,” Donghyuck burst out before someone could interrupt them again or the good feeling Chenle waltzing through had given him would leave.

“Oh?” Ten looked surprised, then cocked his head, thinking for a few seconds, “Well, I usually was glad their asses got dragged, too. There are things you have to go through to get the justice you want, I guess, but I wouldn’t be mad with you about that, silly. There would be far better reasons to get fed up, like when you were annoying or trying to mess with me and Johnny,” Ten fixed him in a glare and Donghyuck was so relieved, he started giggling.

“You owe me everything!”

“We do absolutely not, you little shit!”

“Yes, you do, remember that time I made you surprise Johnny-Hyung while he was working out?” Donghyuck could barely hold himself up on the edge of the desk where he had been sitting as he was shaking with laughter. He couldn’t hold back at all, he was almost hystericaly because he was so relieved.

Ten flicked his forehead while he curled up, but he was also chuckling and Donghyuck internally sighed that he had ever stressed about this so much.

But he didn’t put himself down because he had gotten disappointed before. He had not just made up the poor expectations, it was just his head trying to keep him safe and he had to slowly re-train it into knowing when it wouldn’t have to do that because the right people were good and trustworthy and would never leave him for small things or mistakes he wanted to make right.

Patt patt.

Since he had nothing better to do, he restocked the flyers on the counter. Most of them were from the Union or related to them. There was one from Doctor Kim’s office as well as several private coaches, who had special programs for Hybrids whose breeders had failed to provide the appropriate education early on.

Chenle returned to leave, but didn’t and instead helped Donghyuck re-order the magnets holding up current information on the information board next to the waiting room. It was a lot about allergies.

“Who does, you know, who gives you the hormones you’re low on?” Donghyuck carefully asked because he had not even known Chenle got those at all. It was okay, Chenle didn’t have to publicise his transition, that was private information.

“Jungwoo-Hyung. Taeil-Hyung said no because no one tested in on Hybrids before and it was too risky, which, okay, sure, but I just wanted to go on T so badly. Jungwoo-Hyung maybe understood better or is just more reckless than Taeil-Hyung, so he researched it for months before he finally agreed to try it. We started lower than humans would, but as you can tell, it worked pretty fine because there is enough DNA overlap.”

“Nice! Yay for hormones being the real MVPs here and not letting Hybrids hanging.”

“Yeah, I suggested founding a club with Doyoung-Hyung, but he was appalled.”

“Of course, he was! That would require him to be fun! What a ridiculous idea, please, Chenle!”

“I know, I know, my bad.”

By the time Donghyuck left, Ten only had 15 minutes left and was finishing up.

It had been a very good afternoon, he felt. He had gotten things off his chest, he had gotten advice, it was all going to help him reach his goals fast.

There was just something about this family, that would make anyone, who was searching, feel welcome. Probably because all of them had not had anyone, much less a family and home, at some point in their lives. Even Taeil. Donghyuck felt like he should have trusted them more, but he didn’t stress himself about it.

Everyone made mistakes.

Now he had the tune of Hannah Montana in his head and gently bounced along to it with every step. He didn’t quite feel like singing, but a bit of happy wiggling was already very healing.

Sicheng and Guanheng were huddled together in front of the computer, discussing something in Chinese. Probably for the Union. Donghyuck snuck past them and caught a glance of the flyer design. It was for the Union, the bright green unmistakable. It was on rape. Donghyuck swallowed, but his chest didn’t tighten, he had it under control. He wanted to go back and fight for those who also had had and still would have to endure that. He wanted to more than ever because experiencing it first-hand just reinforced how terrible and miserable it was.

Speaking of standing in front of masses of people… Donghyuck caught his tail where it had been minding its own business and held it as he continued on into the kitchen. It felt wrong again, but he reminded himself how it was just another limb and then didn’t give his worries more attention, so they’d burn out. He was becoming better at that!

It already smelt heavenly, but instead of Taeyong, it was Doyoung behind the stove.

“Don’t you have to work?”

Doyoung turned around, brows furrowed, “Yes, hello, Donghyuck, it is nice to see you, too, how was your day?”

“Meh, I cleaned, had a deep talk about wrecking balls, took a bath like a wrecking ball, then Taeil-Hyung pulled my threats which was gross, and I finally got some stuff off my chest and tried to raise my expectations in people again. You?”

Doyoung’s brow twitched and he turned back around to flip the meat sizzling in the pan.

“Good, I have the afternoon off because the children have a field day and Hybrids are not qualified to accompany them,” the bitterness was clear in his voice and Donghyuck frowned.

“That’s ridiculous. Did you complain?” Donghyuck made fun of Doyoung a lot because it was easy, but he did care about him just how he did about everyone else at Heaven. Doyoung had also helped him a lot, teaching him physics when he had decided to aim for a college education and helping him out through countless skype meetings.

That now they didn’t even let adult Hybrids supervise Hybrid kids seemed like yet another cruel joke to Donghyuck. The school where Doyoung taught was exclusively for Hybrid kids, those who truly needed a safe place to learn and be put first. Everywhere else, humans let Hybrids do these jobs, but when that suddenly elevated them and validated them in their position as teachers, they weren’t good enough anymore?

It was demeaning and meant to hurt them, Donghyuck wouldn’t even discuss this.

“Plenty.”

“Sucks. Do you need help?”

Doyoung had finished flipping everything and put the chopsticks aside, a smirk tugging on his lips, “Are you okay? Do I need to ask Hyung to check your head again? It seems he missed something big that suddenly turned you into a good junior!”

“I’ll just leave then,” Donghyuck pretended to turn and go, but Doyoung grabbed him.

“Nononono, I have plenty to do for you. The table needs to be freed of people re-purposing it, wiped down, set, water needs to be re-filled, and…”

“Okay, I’m definitely going to leave. Who’s on duty to help you? I’ll get them.”

“Jeno.”

Donghyuck guessed he could _help_ Jeno. But not without him actually present.

It wasn’t difficult to guess. Jeno was either gaming in his and Jaehyun’s room or gaming in Jaemin’s room at this time of the day. Donghyuck made his way down the hallway first, to check Jeno’s shared room because Jaemin’s was on the first floor.

No noise came through the door, so chances were he wasn’t there, but Donghyuck still opened it to check, only to freeze dead in his tracks.

Well, Jeno was here.

As was Jaemin.

And Jaemin also was kissing Jeno, one hand in his neck to hold him in place gently while Jeno had his on Jaemin’s thigh, holding on.

It took them the fraction of a second to realise the door had opened rather loudly, with Donghyuck dumbstruck and speechless in it. Jaemin jerked away, eyes wide in shock, and Jeno stared at Donghyuck blankly, face turning redder and redder.

The silence could be cut with a knife while all three looked for words.

Donghyuck was the first to find them;

“Jeno, you have kitchen duty,” he almost robotically pointed out.

Jeno jumped up and dashed past him, his steps thundering down the hall until the living room door fell shut behind him.

A small whimper from the bed made Donghyuck snap out of the shock-freeze and he turned to see Jaemin slap his hands over his face.

“Oh my god, I’m an _idiot_!”

Donghyuck slowly stepped inside and closed the door behind himself.

“Are you?”

“I am! That was the single most idiotic thing I ever did in my entire life!” Jaemin looked up and his eyes were full of genuine despair. Oh no, it had looked so nice when they had kissed? “I just kissed him?”

“I... think that’s what you did. It sure looked like kissing.”

Jaemin groaned and toppled onto the bed, burying his face in the messy sheets.

“Oh my god, he’ll hate me, why? Why did I do that? I had decided to not ever! Fuck! Hyuckie, we need a time-machine!” Jaemin had jerked back upright, a mad look in his eyes. Donghyuck wished he knew what had gone on because it hadn’t looked like anything to freak out over and rather consensual and sweet, but he couldn’t help the unease that now crept over his skin and made him stomach hurt a bit.

Why was this so bad to Jaemin? Had he done something that had not been agreed upon and thus would hurt Jeno?

“I’d lend it out if I had one. Believe me, I would be using it plenty,” Donghyuck swallowed because he started to feel a little sick now. This wouldn’t be… right? No. No Jaemin wouldn’t do that to Jeno, never, but what if he had?

“And Jungwoo-Hyung can’t fix this for me either, fuck! Fuck!” Jaemin rolled around pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes.

Donghyuck wished he could stop, but he couldn’t. His head brought up a million ways in how this could be cruel and traumatising even though he didn’t want to think of his friend like that.

He had to ask. Straight to the point.

“What even happened and why would he hate you? He wanted this, didn’t he? He kissed back, that was consent, wasn’t it?”

Jaemin made some indescribable noises and didn’t reply.

“You didn’t force him, did you?” Donghyuck’s voice was harder than he wanted to it be and Jaemin seemed shocked to be addressed this roughly, but he blinked and shook his head.

What a relief!

“I mean, I just, I thought, he was just, I would never, I love him! Oh god, I didn’t mean to say that. No, I’m making this all worse, but I’m sure he just accepted it because he didn’t want to hurt me?”

“Listen, Nana, I have a fuck-load of trauma to work through, but I can and I _will_ make you fix this!” Donghyuck snorted. He was not going to let Jeno and Jaemin hurt each other in what now much more sounded like a misunderstanding.

Donghuck was sure Jeno didn’t accept anyone’s kisses just for the fun of it. If he had accepted Jaemin kissing him, there had to be more to that. Jeno wasn’t the type of person to kiss without feelings. Sure, Jeno developed feelings quickly, but that was just how he was and they were still valid!

“You have to talk to him! Right now!” Donghyuck crossed his arms because Jaemin just admitting what had already been quite clear made it even more obvious he had to stop any misunderstandings from making his best friends fall apart!

“But… but he still and I and we and his ex and this,” Jaemin ended in another whimper, his eyebrows pulling up into puppy-eyes.

Donghyuck had not played cupid in a while, but he could be cupid with anxiety now. He settled on the bed and caught his tail so he could use the time to acknowledge it was cute, it was stripy, it was soft, and it was part of him. Multi-tasking!

“I don’t understand a single word of what you’re gasping. Why were you in the same room together?”

“To play PUBG.”

Donghyuck had kind of expected a deep talk maybe, or some issue to resolve, but okay. PUBG it was then.

“And then you played?”

“Yeah and then I was killed again one minute into it and was bored, so I leaned over to watch what Jeno was doing. He did pretty well until I started to breathe against his neck. I swear it was just for the fun of it… anyway, he’s ticklish and said I should stop and then I said why because he had a hickey on his neck once, from his ex-ex. I hated that, why did he do that and then… anyway, he said it was different and I said how and then he suddenly pushed me back and kissed my neck! And then… then we were kissing on the lips and oh my god!” Jaemin hid his face again.

Ooooh!

Oh, what a relief. That sounded chaotic but not at all like anyone had gotten seriously hurt.

Donghyuck internally cooed, but Jaemin was still having a mental break-down.

“Nana, um, listen, it sounds like it wasn’t _you_ who kissed Jeno, but _Jeno_ who kissed you or am I getting that wrong?”

“But just here and… I can still feel where his touched oh my god, why did this happen, I hate myself!”

Donghyuck nodded and patted Jaemin’s back while he kept rambling about Jeno being the sweetest being on this plane and how he had now ruined everything.

He had never realised Jaemin was in this deep for their friend, but he sounded like a completely lost cause. It was really cute. He was glad it was like this because the other option had been crushing to just think about. He decided to forget about that altogether. He had worried, but it had turned out there had not been any reason, so he’d stop now and he’d not beat himself up over thinking this way.

He had every right to after what had happened. It was okay, even a familiar person could become an abuser, but this time that, luckily, had not happened, end of story.

Donghyuck stroked over Jaemin’s floppy ear. He had two different ones, which was very cute. Donghyuck personally preferred the stiff ear because he liked his own ears the most and this was more similar, but the floppy ear was more like Johnny’s and those were _obviously_ the second-best in the world.

“Nana, you have to talk to him and clear this up!”

Jaemin went silent.

“Nana!”

“Yeah, but maybe if I never speak of thi-“

“No, that’s not how this works, ever, at all. The only right path of action right now is to find Jeno ASAP and tell him why you kissed him and ask if he feels the same!” Donghyuck tried to push Jaemin upright and then towards the door, but he was still underweight and thus under-strength and Jaemin heavy and unwilling to go anywhere, so he didn’t get far.

“Who even does that? You never did that yourself, I’m not going to do that, that’ll make everything even worse!”

Donghyuck groaned.

“Fine, be stubborn and ruin everything for real then. Watch if I care!”

“No, I don’t want to ruin everything for real!” Jaemin flopped around like a stubborn trout.

“Then go and talk to him! He has kitchen duty, he’s not going anywhere.”

“And then? Oh my god, why am I even asking, you’ve never done this! You’re not even trustworthy!” Jaemin pulled the sheets over himself as if that’d help. Donghyuck saw him smell them, probably having picked up Jeno’s scent. How could he be in this deep yet not want to talk?

Donghyuck, in fact, had done that before.

He _was_ trustworthy because he had gotten five months of a really great, plus a few weeks and counting of a new and still confusing but also wonderful relationship, out of that first rather unplanned and overwhelming kiss – not unlike this kiss he had just interrupted.

It was just a relationship Jaemin didn’t know of and Donghyuck suddenly felt guilty for not telling him.

But then he remembered Jaemin huffing and telling others to stop dating humans and fear overwrote his guilt, weighing him down.

He didn’t want to be ashamed, but he was still too scared to be proud of being with Renjun even though Renjun deserved someone like that.

Donghyuck felt more guilt in his stomach and didn’t know what to even say.

“I’ll just go and have dinner at Yukhei-Hyung’s,” Jaemin muttered and quit the trout-lifestyle to get up.

“That’s ridiculous, that will create more problems!” Donghyuck snarled, but Jaemin was already packing.

“It won’t. I’ll just avoid him for today and tomorrow it will be okay.”

Donghyuck narrowed his eyes.

He wanted to tell Jaemin just how stupid he was being, but he felt like it wasn’t his place.

Yes, he had talked to Renjun. Straight away, off his heart, confessing.

It had been September 2017 and they had gotten a slot at Hanyang’s autumn special lecture week. They, as the union, had gotten 60 minutes to speak on all the topics they felt were important. Donghyuck remembered how they had prepared carefully, put together PowerPoint slides and sorted out the best flyers to bring. The former board of the union had been in charge, of course, but they had given Renjun, Donghyuck, and Guanheng a 15-minute slot to speak about the way breeding and selling worked.

The public’s idea, especially back then, had nothing to do with the reality kittens, puppies, and bunny pups had to live through, much less what their parents were forced to do.

Donghyuck knew the three of them had been well-know, almost famous in these circles. Of course, the union’s leaders had known as well, acknowledged it, and used it to their advantage. He remembered how it had felt to speak in front of 500 people, all of which had decided to listen to their lecture and squeezed into a room meant for 250.

It had been the height of their impact, a wave he had surfed from one success to another. He could still recall the feeling. Speaking at a university, though, that had been a step he had never expected to make and the feeling of accomplishment after had been incomparable.

After coming off the stage, Donghyuck and Renjun had been left all alone in the small room on the side of the stage, where they watched the others finish up. It had been dark and private and the rush had made Donghyuck forget he only ever teased Renjun about the two of them staying forever alone together. It had made Donghyuck forget how Renjun had told him about his preference for guys under the oath to never tell another living soul and with the reminder he definitely would _never_ move on it.

He had just leaned closer and Renjun had, too, and they had kissed and kissed and kissed until the crowd had started to cheer and ripped them out of their moment.

The others had interrupted them before Donghyuck could have asked what this meant for them, but he had caught Renjun as he had been about to slip away.

Renjun had tried to escape, flushed and flustered and apologising. Donghyuck had just said he had been in love with him for a while. Unapologetic and confident.

That easily, misunderstandings had been avoided because Renjun had felt the same.

Donghyuck got distracted from his own story. That summit… it had been the last of its kind, hadn’t it? He remembered how he had started to focus on how to get his education, but he remembered that it had slowly become more difficult to get gigs. It just hadn’t mattered as much because their success had still felt so fresh and with his new relationship, he had slacked on his tasks a bit.

And then he had left and now he was back and it was clear nothing was how it had been. Their impact was shrinking, their influence and importance paling. Those who had used to hold the reigns had long given up.

Donghyuck had brought a full-fledged scandal upon them, weakening them further.

It felt awful.

Of course, that wasn’t why their former board members had stepped down. Their work and regular lives took up too much time to let them continue leading the activities. It had been passed down the next generation, how it had before that. It was always idealistic young people, those who had not yet broken, trying to push for more. It felt eventually everyone was doomed to falter and bow to the system.

Would Renjun do the same? Would Yerim? Would Sookyung and Seojeong?

No, Donghyuck felt like this time it would be different… or would it?

What if they’d decide their careers were more important in a few years?

What if they’d stop lending them their voices?

Donghyuck suddenly felt scared again. He had never considered that, but now, looking back to that summit and high of the Union’s work, he couldn’t help but wonder.

He didn’t even know the younger members, those that could take over. He had no connection to them! What if Renjun would decide there was no way to combine both and choose his work because, in the end, everyone needed to work to survive?

Would he just… go on alone?

All alone?

He had been proven he couldn’t. He was just recovering from that, he was just looking for Plan C, but now this was like a slap to the face.

Worse.

What if Renjun would not want to have to go through what surely was to come for them forever? Donghyuck had lived this life for 19 years, he knew this wasn’t a quick number. For them to get accepted, it’d take years, decades.

It might take all their lives and longer.

Did Renjun really know what he had said he could fight for?

What if…

What if Jaemin was right in saying they shouldn’t date human?

What if Guanheng was right in saying it was doomed to fail?

Because a human could decide to lead an easier life.

If given the choice… who would want this? This constant struggle, these never-ending hurdles, a life lived as voiceless?

Of course, Donghyuck wanted to say he’d be re-born as a Hybrid each and every time.

He loved his ears, he loved his instincts, he loved the way he experienced the world and he could never imagine himself as a human, he tried to love his tail again.

But in the end… if he could be a human… in a different life…

It would be easier. It would be easier to get the education he wanted, he could get the job he dreamt of, and he could be with the person he loved and not fear what his friends and family would say.

Why would anyone choose this? Why would Renjun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Classic walking in on them kissing - everyone feared it'd happen in Milky Way but it never did, now, finally, we have it haha
> 
> Fun background story: After chapter 9, I got quite a few comments from people anticipating Ten’s reaction and, well, he has a tiny role in this story, as you already noticed, despite having a close relationship to DH, but everyone kinda has and, I said this before, there are so many people, I can’t give everyone the screentime they’d deserve, I’m sorry ;;; anyway, I felt bad bc there was actually too little Ten and I only realised you also wanted more of him, duh, Moon Diamon, hello?, so I added the scene where Donghyuck comes to talk to Ten first and I also added Chenle bc I could and he needs more screen time, too, bc he’s adorable.
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	20. Chapter 20

Jaemin was gone and Donghyuck would have to find out if he could make Jeno talk to him, but he couldn’t even get off the bed because everything hurt.

He just curled up and tried to remember to breathe.

It was okay, he’d overcome this, it was okay, he was going to be okay.

But what if he was right? What if Renjun would break his heart, after all?

Donghyuck sniffled and found his phone in his pocket, pulling it out. Even through his tears obscuring his vision, he easily found Renjun’s number as the most recently dialled and pressed the green button.

The line connected and the signal that Renjun’s phone was ringing was low in the room. It was easier to talk on speaker because Hybrid ears were a bit too high up to properly position a phone against.

“Hey, Hyuckie?”

Donghyuck thought Renjun would get really fed up with his ass soon anyway because he was constantly crying and being a mess, but as he thought that, he already sobbed. Renjun had to know, no use to try and hide. He wanted and needed honesty as the basis for their relationship, or he would sabotage it and confirm all the things the others said.

Renjun had said he wanted to help him and Donghyuck had told himself to have more faith in him, so that was what he was doing now!

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Where are you?” Renjun’s voice wasn’t annoyed, just soft and compassionate.

“Jen-Jeno’s room. Injoonie, I miss you, I love you, I’m scared to lose you!” he just burst out, hiccups interrupting his blubbering.

“But I’m here. Believe me, it’ll take a lot to lose me!”

Donghyuck pushed his face into the sheets to dry it off as Renjun softly assured him it was okay.

Renjun was right. He had said he’d be there with him. He had said he knew the obstacles in their way. He had been burning with determination, just how he did in his fight for their rights. He wasn’t going to ever choose the easy way, he was too caring and understanding of all the different ways in which Hybrids were suffering to ever ditch them. He was the most wonderful person, to Donghyuck, and he loved him and was loved back.

He had just needed a reminder.

“Thank you.”

“Why did you think I was going anywhere? Did something happen?”

Renjun sounded worried and Donghyuck wished he could touch him. Some of his anxiety was still there. It would get better with just a hug.

“Actually, yes,” Donghyuck sniffled, “I just don’t know if I can tell… since we keep our relationship secret I feel like I have to protect theirs…”

“Theirs? Now you got me really aching to hear, wait, you said you’re in Jeno’s room! Nana and Jeno?”

Donghyuck thought it had probably been really obvious anyway.

“I just wanted to get Jeno for kitchen duty and they were kissing, like, with tongue,” Donghyuck muttered, “And I was just shocked. I thought this had to be good, but then Jeno ran off in a flurry and Nana started having a break-down over Jeno now hating him even though he then retold it as Jeno kissing him first, so what the hell is wrong with that boy? And then he, very maturely, left to have dinner at Yukhei-Hyung’s and never speak of this again. Can you believe him?”

There was a moment of silence, then Renjun hummed, “Actually, uh, yes? I had planned to flee after we kissed, you know? I wasn’t confident back then”

Donghyuck flopped around like the stubborn trout now, “Oh my god, Renjun! That’s not what you do! Thank god you had me! Now we have to hope Jeno can be reasonable!”

“I know. I am very glad I had you, I have to admit that. Also, Jun with fourth tone.”

“I’m sorry, Jun. Jun. JUN. Sorry, I try to get it right, but I just suck.”

“Don’t sweat it, I appreciate you try. But why did those two kissing make you upset?”

Donghyuck thought back. He felt extremely guilty now. He’d rather pretend that he had never thought Jaemin was capable of something like that. It felt cruel to think of a friend this way. When he had _not_ thought that way of people before, he had dearly paid. Everyone could turn out to be a monster, ignoring boundaries and hurting others for their own pleasure or entertainment.

But Jaemin was not a monster.

“I thought about that day, you know, the one you talked about, the summit when we first kissed,” Donghyuck softly explained, feeling the same sadness over knowing how it had been and how it was – how many had given up, how little had been reached, how they had slowed down and lost momentum.

“Yeah. I remember. I could never forget.”

Donghyuck felt reassured, but he also still felt worried and longing. He brushed his hand over the sheets, but it wasn’t the same without the body heat of another person.

“I just…” Donghyuck took a deep breath. Would this offend him? No, he had to be honest even if it was hard. No more hiding! “I thought about how many people there used to be, how we got the chance to speak at a university and now…”

He didn’t know what to say. It felt like he was tearing Renjun’s work down when he knew he had done his all, they all had, it was just the circumstances they had no influence on.

“Now we get barely 20 people to some café once a month?” Renjun added softly.

“I guess. I just… so many have given up and…” the worry and upset choked him up again, “They passed the lead down to you and I love that, but then I started to worry what… what if you…” a tear dropped onto the display, “What if you also give up? Because… because it’s too hard and nothing will ever change? What if you realise you don’t want to fight for us forever because we might have to? It’s… It’s hard. Everything about a Hybrid’s life is hard, why would you want that for yourself?”

Donghyuck’s voice broke off and he clung to the blankets now, but he wished he had Renjun close to give him comfort.

“I know it is, not only for you but for everyone else, Jeno, Nana, Guanheng. You’re so strong for even taking all these steps, but Hyuckie, you have taken plenty of steps, don’t you see? It’s not how it used to be anymore. I know it can seem that way because so much is still wrong and missing, but so much _is_ better than it used to be. It’s not that nothing will ever change, it’s just that we have to keep pushing. I know it’s hard, but I _want_ to keep pushing. All my life if I have to.

“All my childhood, people didn’t listen to me. My grandparents, my teachers, others my age. Because I had survived that crash, but it had killed my parents, I was the result of their love, that they didn’t approve of. I was the breathing evidence of that oh-so-evil Chinese man that had taken her to his home and stolen her away from them. Because I struggled with Korean and with adapting to the new surroundings. Because I was ridden with grief and felt like the world had ended and didn’t know anyone and no one wanted to get to know that weird new guy.They turned their backs and talked over my head.

“But then I was given the chance to have a voice and I found a place where I was listened to and I could then give that voice to those who were the ones to whom backs were turned and over whose heads was talked. Not only that; I found so many friends in you, all of you. So, no, I will not give up just because it's hard, not as long as my closest friends are those suffering from the circumstances and especially not as long as the one I love is one of those.”

Donghyuck had kind of stopped breathing to listen.

Now, he took a shaky gasp and then another because he needed oxygen - desperately.

“You know, I had told myself to raise my expectations but it seems I didn’t, again. Sorry,” he whispered back once he didn’t feel like passing out anymore, “And also I really have to hug and also kiss you but I old get this blanket, which might have a similar built, but is cold and doesn’t hug back.”

“Maybe it’ll kiss back, sounds like you haven’t tried yet,” Renjun sounded a little shaky, too, but also snickered and Donghyuck giggled.

“Ew, I will not do that!”

“Your loss. Let’s meet tomorrow?”

Donghyuck hummed, “Yeah. Please.”

“I’ll come over?”

“We’ll even have a tabletop by then.”

“I felt right at home with the bottom, but okay.”

Donghyuck gasped and burst into louder laughter and it was like something in his chest was freed because he could.

See? He would be fine. Scary things were becoming normal, even funny, again.

Patt patt.

The line had just barely disconnected when the door was flung open and Jaehyun stumbled into the room. Donghyuck jerked around and Jaehyun, luckily, seemed just as surprised to find him here as Donghyuck was he came through the door. He might want to be a bit less obvious about his secret relationship or he’d end up like Jaemin and Jeno…

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?”

“This is my room? I was just thinking the same thing!” Jaehyun’s eyes were wide and he pushed his lower lip out a bit, “I’ll have to change before dinner, wait…” Jaehyun stopped and adjusted his path from straight to the closet to straight to the bed, narrowing his eyes, “Did you cry?”

“Maybe so.”

“Oh no, why?” Jaehyun forgot all about changing and was on the bed and on top of Donghyuck in the blink of an eye, squeezing the life out of him.

It was exactly what Donghyuck needed right now and he squeezed back. Sure, Jaehyun was a lot bigger than Renjun, but a hug was a hug!

“I just got upset about everything but now it’s better.”

“Okay. Good. Don’t cry alone!”

“I wasn’t alone, I called someone.”

“Ah, that’s a relief then! But you had no one to hug?”

“No. But now I have you, so I guess I’m fine.”

Jaehyun giggled and Donghyuck heard his tail wagging against the bed. Really, it often felt like Jaehyun would forever be a little kid… but no, no one would and no one should and Jaehyun had matured and that was good and okay.

“Why did you cry _here_ , though?” Jaehyun softly asked and pulled away a bit.

“Oh, I was here to get Jeno for kitchen duty. I just stayed when he left.”

“Speaking of leaving, Jeno was doing just that when we came.”

Donghyuck also pulled away and sat up, so Jaehyun ended their small cuddling session and jumped up to change out of his nurse-uniform.

“What? Leave? Where did he go?”

“Um, he said Mark had asked him to come over to have dinner with him and Yukhei-Hyung and the trio? He was quite hurried and Taeyong looked disapproving, so I wouldn’t have gone…” But Jaehyun never did anything Taeyong disapproved of, so that didn’t mean anything for Jeno.

Jeno, who was going to have dinner at Yukhei’s, probably and most likely to escape Jaemin, who had gone to have dinner at Yukheis definitely to escape Jeno.

Well.

“I’ll go to check if Jeno finished his stuff or they still need help,” Donghyuck announced and didn’t turn to look at Jaehyun, who was busy changing. Some stuff was still scary and it was okay, he’s also lean to handle it.

Luckily for him, Jeno had actually diligently finished all his duties before trying to flee. When Donghyuck spotted Xiaojun on the dinner table and the free chair next to him, he didn’t even think twice. 

“Is here free?” He was pretty much already sitting when Xiaojun looked up from where he had been texting.

“Yep,” a smile spread over his face. Jungwoo must have cut his fringe recently.

“Do you have a second after dinner? I’d like to talk. Nothing bad, just something I realised recently, really old tea, but yeah,” Donghyuck felt uneasy, but he knew he wanted to address it. He had already thought about how to too much to now ditch his plan and be a coward. He had just said to raise his expectations and telling Ten had been so good, so he was determined to follow through!

“With me? When did we have tea?” Xiaojun looked deeply confused. When Donghyuck had first met him, Xiaojun had looked deeply confused a lot, however, he had almost always gone from deeply confused to furious. Donghyuck, back then, had not yet understood why and bulldozed on, but it had not caused lasting damages. Donghyuck was the proud cupid to Xiaojun’s wonderful long-term relationship with his boyfriend, Kun.

“No, I guess not really. Still, I wanted to talk about how I behaved a while ago and maybe you have some tips for me?”

Xiaojun relaxed visibly and nodded, “I’ll try my best to be super-helpful!”

“Helpful?” Kun settled down next to Xiaojun’s other side, eyes questioning.

“Yep! Donghyuck and I will talk about old tea!”

“Old tea? Why are you talking about tea? You don’t even like tea that much, you always have Matcha?”

“Hyung, you’re too old,” Donghyuck grinned. Kun looked ready to argue, but closed his mouth, apparently still struggling with the youth slang and thus unable to refute.

Xiaojun said something in Mandarin, but Donghyuck doubted it countered his own assessment because Kun stayed pouty even thought Xiaojun nuzzled his head against his shoulder.

When Ten settled next to Kun, Kun whispered if he knew what talks about tea were and Ten returned that tea was obviously a herb-infused hot drink.

So, either Ten was trolling Kun or Ten was also getting old.

Which would then mean Johnny was getting old-old as he was a year older than Ten.

Donghyuck wasn’t sure he liked what he had started.

“Guys! It’s not funny, who stole my bracelet with the malachites? It’s mine and Winko made it for me for my birthday and I put it under my pillow, so who took it?” Donghyuck turned together with half the table to see Yuta at the end of it, fuming, both hands balled into fists on the tabletop.

Donghyuck quickly looked at his wrists, just in case Yuta was wearing it and had forgotten. That had happened several times before.

It would have been something to tease him over, but Donghyuck never had and nor had anyone else. It wasn’t funny because to Yuta, these bracelets meant a lot more than just being a sign of affection, which in itself was already a perfectly valid reason to treasure them but still acceptable to joke about.

“Hyung, it was me, I wanted to repair the second knot that came undone, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you!” Sicheng had stood up, his black eyes wide.

Like someone had plugged the cord, Yuta relaxed, the anger bled out of his frame and his frown melted off his face.

“Oh. Okay. Sorry, I didn’t think about that. Okay, nevermind then, my bad.”

“Not like it wasn’t a high probability,” Doyoung muttered and let his eyes drag down the line of people, but the main suspects were absent and Doyoung passed by Donghyuck.

It was time to pour some lemon juice into some water to save his reputation!

“What are you doing?”

“What do you think I am, sshhh!” Donghyuck hurriedly pulled Guanheng into the pantry and closed the door.

“I think you’re setting yourself up to get your ass beat by Taeyong-Hyung’s kitchen towel.”

Donghyuck snickered happily and twisted the lid of the ‘Jeju crystal clear water’ shut.

“I know, I feel so good about this.”

Guanheng’s judgemental expression melted into a fond smile and he threw the empty bottles he had come to add to the collection where they belonged before grabbing Donghyuck to almost aggressively hug.

“I’m glad!” he whispered and Donghyuck felt a bit choked up.

“Same, let’s have an emotional cuddling party in the pantry, sounds good, right?”

“Only if there were sweets to raid.”

“Processed sugar? Outside of Christmas? Have you gone mad, Guanheng? Think of the effects on your brain, your metabolism, your teeth!” Donghyuck fake-gasped and Guanheng shook with laughter.

“And remember how it will not keep you sated for long, wouldn’t you much prefer a carrot?” he added between gasps for air.

Donghyuck wheezed.

“Um, what are you doing?”

They both sobered and looked up, only to realise it was just Xiaojun.

“Oh, right, we have an appointment!”

Xiaojun and Kun shared the first room on the first floor. It was nice and big, bigger than Guanheng’s, but there were two of them so it was only fair. They had an electric piano in here, a big bed, a desk with two chairs, a big bookshelf, as well as their closet.

Their bed had been upgraded to a canopy one when Xiaojun had sold his first song to a big-ish label and he had had the money to spare. It was simply for fun, to have curtains to play with and poles to climb on, though Kun said he never really used it, Xiaojun sure did.

“Where do we sit? What’s appropriate?” Xiaojun asked in earnest while playing with the ribbon tying the curtains. Donghyuck had to force himself to look away. I wanted to bat it, play with it…

“Wherever, it’s not that… well, I honestly don’t know,” he scratched his head. It depended on how Xiaojun felt about this, which he obviously didn’t know yet, seeing how he was now addressing it for the first time with him.

Surely, it wouldn’t be too bad. Yes! Ten had been chill about it, he could trust Xiaojun to not feel negatively towards his young ignorance.

“Okay, uuuum, bed then?” Xioajun gestured to the perfectly tidy mattress. The bedcover was patterned like the jungle, it was quite cool. Still. Donghyuck felt tentative when he sat down on the edge.

Just because it was a couple’s bed, he felt weird, sick, scared… urgh. _His head was so dumb_. No, that didn’t help. It was okay to feel that way even though there was no reason and he had laid in someone else's bed just a couple of hours ago. Whatever. His head could change its mind.

“You know, Imma gonna take a chair because my anxiety is acting up,” Donghyuck announced and got back up to pick up the red desk chair. Red was the most beautiful colour – always.

Xiaojun didn’t mention it and Donghyuck appreciated he didn’t. He did check with careful eyes as Donghyuck got settled and leaned his legs onto the bed to comfort, but Donghyuck knew Xiaojun knew.

Of course, he knew, he had been prostituted against his will. His fate was so much worse… but seeing how Donghyuck had these issues, too, it didn’t matter who had gotten raped more often.

Feeling better about himself, Donghyuck found his tail and let it slide through his fingers while Xiaojun had curled up, face propped up on his hand.

“I wanted to say sorry.”

“What, why?” Xiaojun eyes widened and his ears stuck up in surprise.

“I have everything ready to explain, please…” Donghyuck felt quite ridiculous, but he reminded himself once more why he wanted to do this and why it was the right thing to do.

“Sorry, my bad,” Xiaojun nibbled on his lower lip and sunk back down to signalise he’d wait.

“When Ten and you and all the other people from that place were involved in the lawsuit against your abusers, I was always really excited whenever you were in the news and I’d share those articles anywhere and everywhere to raise awareness because I thought it was purely positive to have newspapers write about you. I’m sorry about that, I never even realised it might have been a problem. I just acted, well, I guess quite egoistically. The good intention shouldn’t excuse it if that was uncomfortable for you. I’m sorry if it was, I learnt how it can be now and I feel really silly for having been so ignorant.”

Donghyuck never looked away because he was confident in these words and also in himself and in the growth he had made in this regard.

Xiaojun waited to see if he was done, then nodded.

“It was weird, yeah. Especially when my basketball friends found out, but that probably wasn’t really your doing. I was worried they’d think weirdly of me now, you know, that I’m dirty, how so many people in the street think?” Xiaojun slowly laid his head onto his arms fully, his bright blue eyes becoming sad and Donghyuck tightened the hold on his tail.

“Yeah. That sucks,” he muttered. Xiaojun had even said it wasn’t really his fault, but he felt responsible nevertheless.

“That and when they had pictures of the monsters. Those I couldn’t even look at at first. I was terrified,” Xiaojun went on.

“Who are the monsters?” Donghyuck carefully chipped in. He had some assumptions, but… no confirmation.

Xiaojun chuckled and put his face back onto his hands, “I call them that because they don’t deserve names. It’s the owner of the brothel and the handlers, those responsible. I guess my customers would qualify, too, but there were way too many and I wasn’t always able to remember their faces because I was drunk or impaired in other ways.”

Donghyuck skin crawled.

To think he couldn’t even remember all their faces, to think he had been intoxicated…

“Oh no, don’t cry, I didn’t mean to make you sad, I’m sorry!” Xiaojun slithered over the sheets until he was at his legs and quickly hugged them.

“No, why are you sorry, I am…” Donghyuck stubbornly rubbed his eyes, but he didn’t have a tissue, he wasn’t Doyoung.

“It’s not your fault. On the contrary, I mean, sure, there were some uncomfortable articles, but there were so many more good ones, so many that made people reconsider, that educated them, all those things I want as well and I was really happy to see that. I know it was your and the others’ doing to get them interested and thus make them publish those. I am sure they helped the verdict to have an impact that would have been unimaginable before! It was to me, well, even the chance anyone would rule in my favour seemed ridiculous, but it happened. It didn’t even stop there, then you kept being heard and kept pushing for more and little by little things have started to change.”

Xiaojun was wrapped around his legs like a boa, he liked to do that, who didn’t, and looked up with almost sparkling eyes and Donghyuck swallowed his sad tears.

This. This was what he was fighting for, a Hybrid who got justice, who was able to overcome their hurt and abuse and past.

“Being ignorant isn’t something to be sorry for. I was really ignorant, too. I hurt a lot of people for being ignorant and, well, the good thing is that I learnt it’s not going to doom me forever. So, I wasn’t even actually hurt and I wouldn’t have blamed you, I don’t think, but I think I understand why you feel that way and it’s very okay and you don’t have to feel sorry because…”

Xiaojun glanced away, “I think I wished you had never had to realise it could have been an issue.”

The pain in his eyes when he faced Donghyuck once more made him feel sick again.

He didn’t deserve this…

Yes, he did.

No, he didn’t.

“And I wanted to tell you if you’re maybe scared because of the court, that I want to help if you want because I was very scared. It was the scariest day of my life… well, no, not really, but it was the scariest day of my life ever it became good. It was a very important scary day, though, because it meant a better life became even better. But then I feel like offering you would be kind of superfluous since you’re one of the most confident and brave people I know, I just wanted to still offer it because I feel like a good person would and I want to always be the best person I can.”

Donghyuck tried so hard to blink his tears away, but it was doomed to fail.

“I don’t feel brave at all,” He whispered and the first fell.

“Okay. Um. I still think you are, but I guess sometimes feeling and perception aren’t the same. So. But you don’t always have to be brave either,” Xiaojun softly explained and stroked over his lower thigh comfortingly.

It would be better to cuddle on the bed, but Donghyuck didn’t dare to move.

“And if you’re not brave right now doesn’t mean you can’t be in the future, just how I can be a good person even if I wasn’t in the past. Even though it’s scary, the court can make it better because you will know they get what they deserve for having hurt you.”

Donghyuck remembered Mrs Jung’s words.

Yes, he wanted that.

“I hope… they’ll take me seriously,” her confidence clashed with the knowledge of judges having decided what he perceived as wrong in trials Hybrids and their legal guardians had led against their abusers. Or even trials held against murderers, whose Hybrids could no longer speak for themselves, yet had not even found justice in death.

Maybe there was still a way that made them touching him actually his fault and thus okay and acceptable.

Or even if it wasn’t okay, maybe the judge would it think it was.

That his pictures had lured them in and he had asked for it.

“I wish I could make them,” Xiaojun muttered and betted his head on Donghyuck’s legs.

It was out of their hands. Their perception in the eye of the general public had been shaped generations before they had been born when it had been decided to market cat Hybrids as sex toys.

“If you have tips for court, I’d gladly take them. The first date in Korea is in three weeks. I have to do everything I can so they will take me seriously, they will realise I was hurt, and they will decide what is fair and punish these terrible people,” Donghyuck remembered Mrs Jung again and tightened his free hand into a fist. He knew he’d work against a bias, there was no room to mess up, he’d take every piece of advice he could get!

Xiaojun looked up, a small smile on his lips, “See? This is why I think you’re brave. It feels very brave to me at least. But I will tell you everything that helped me, of course.”

By the time Mark arrived to pick him up, it was 8 pm and Donghyuck had made a list on his phone with tips from Xiaojun. He wasn’t sure if he felt reassured or not because he had not even considered some of these points, but he was effectively distracted by the company Mark had brought.

Jeno almost smashed him to the ground in his flight from the hallway and the door to his room flew shut behind him while Jaemin was taking suspiciously long to hang up his collar.

“What’s going on with these two,” Mark muttered under his breath, brows furrowed while Jaemin waltzed past them without so much as sparing Donghyuck a look, the guilt plastered onto his face.

Donghyuck frowned.

“Seems like trouble in paradise,” he muttered. Should he still follow Jeno and try to knock some sense into him since it clearly had not worked for Jaemin? But it was already 8 pm…

“I honestly think it was the most awkward dinner I ever had in my entire life. I hope they can figure out whatever fight they had,” Mark shook his head and crossed his arms in disapproval.

“I sure hope they will…” Donghyuck muttered and started pulling his shoes on before finding his collar on the rack. He had hung it up in Taeyong’s spot this time. Taeyong’s collar was like new and Donghyuck let his fingers stroke over the material for a second.

If Taeyong missed going out, surely, he would have overcome his fears by now, right?

But what if he hadn’t? What if he was scared of the same things Donghyuck was and had just… secretly given up?

What if he needed someone to make him see it was not too late, things could change?

Wouldn’t Donghyuck be the one he could look to? Or was it silly to think he could have such an impact?

Donghyuck fastened the clasp and the bell tingled in his ears. He had found his old one in Mark’s suitcase and had asked why Mark had kept it.

 _“Because you always wore one,”_ Mark had said and shrugged. And that was true, Donghyuck had until the first week of college when he had suddenly felt like it was stupid and childish. Maybe it was and maybe he should just let go of this as a thing of the past when his parents had put it on his collar to keep him from doing mischief, but it didn’t hurt, did it?

Outside was still warm and humid. It wouldn’t cool down all night and just get even warmer and stickier tomorrow. The monsoon season had started and Donghyuck had his umbrella on him because he was a native and knew it’d just hit you by surprise and then you either had one or you’d be drenched to the bones.

Right now it wasn’t raining, though, and the sun was still casting warm light onto the city.

If there was one time when Donghyuck felt the least safe, it was now. For obvious reasons.

He stuck close to Mark despite the weather. He knew how it looked, at least to a lot of people. He just couldn’t do anything about it. Wait, he actually could, he could ignore some people would think he was being walked by his master. Donghyuck tried that. Adapting to new thinking patterns was always a bit tricky, though, so he didn’t manage right away and kept feeling awkward and stiff whenever he felt like someone looked at them.

“Do you know what happened with Jeno and Nana? I’ve kept thinking about it but I don’t think they’ve ever really fought before? More than what could be fixed within a few hours at least,” Mark asked after a while of quiet walking. His face was set in worry.

Donghyuck nibbled on his lower lip.

“I have some ideas…”

Mark turned his head expectantly.

Donghyuck had always been terrible at keeping secrets and especially those when it came to who had a crush on whom. It burnt on his tongue and while he knew it would be better and nicer to not tell, he felt like if he had told Renjun, he could tell Mark.

“Don’t tell anyone else, alright?”

“What?” Mark’s brows furrowed and he looked like his head was going very _weird_ places.

“Oh my god, what are you thinking about, what did the frat parties do to you?” Donghyuck hissed and slapped his arm. Mark whined and held it as if that had hurt more than it could have.

“Nothing, nothing, it just sounds like you caught them doing 18+ stuff!”

“If that had happened, I would be processing more trauma right now. They just kissed.”

“They _what_?” Mark choked on thin air.

“Well, yes. I wasn’t super surprised or anything, but of course these two airheads didn’t talk about anything. I hope they’ll do but I have serious doubts.”

“What? Why were you not surprised? Oh my god, I wouldn’t even know where to start, aren’t they best friends?” Mark looked deeply shook.

“Honestly, Guanheng gave me the hint they were behaving weirdly,” Donghyuck admitted, “But I noticed all the signs, too. Well, mainly in Nana, but according to him, it was Jeno who kissed first, so guess it must be mutual?” Now, hopefully, they could figure their shit out! In theory, it was perfect.

“Jesus Christ,” Mark muttered shaking his head, “That’s so weird. It’s as if you and Nana were suddenly a thing. It doesn’t fit in my head, like, at all.”

“No. No worries, that will not happen,” Donghyuck laughed.

“What if they won’t talk? They live together, that sounds like a recipe for disaster as bad as all of the human-Hybrid relationships, yikes,” Mark shook his head in both pity and exhaustion.

It was as though someone had dumped ice cubes down Donghyuck’s shirt despite the heat of the evening. Just a few words, the tone, the dismissal, it made him almost shiver, want to turn back time and never have heard it.

“What do you mean, all of the human-Hybrid relationships?” an edge bled into Donghyuck’s voice, his shock turned into anger slowly. Why? Why Mark, out of all people?

“Um, they all failed. I think it’s probably clear that’s a recipe for disaster, just like Nana and Jeno having… well, whatever it is, a fight over feelings, I guess?”

“Aha,” Donghyuck kicked a pebble and it bounced off the wall it hit and returned to smash against his ankle.

Felt like his life in a nutshell right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading ~ I'm always curious to know what my readers think about my writing, so if you feel like it, please let me know your thoughts, I always really appreciate it ~
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone who yelled at Mark last chapter... buckle in.

Donghyuck spent Sunday playing cards with Minjun and Mark all morning. He won Mark’s phone charm and an almost-full stamp-card for the small coffee shop three streets down where Minjun always went. You got an extra drink if you completed it and it was only missing two stamps, so Donghyuck got an 80% free drink. He didn’t lose anything because he was too good and it boosted his still bruised ego.

Johnny and Ten came for lunch, so Donghyuck forced them to cuddle with him until the food was ready. After, they went straight into Uno, which Renjun joined once he arrived.

The only issue was that Donghyuck lost, which made him whine and complain until Johnny appeased him with toffees.

Jeno and Jaemin had not yet talked, according to Guanheng, who had caught up to what had happened by now. On top, they were ruining every meal almost as badly as Xiaojun had upon first arrival, allegedly.

Donghyuck sent both very strongly worded Kakao messages.

Both replied whining how they were scared of rejection, which they expected for sure.

On Monday, Donghyuck went to the lawyer’s office with Johnny again. Mrs Jung scared him into more confidence, which was awesome. He also met more of the people working on his case, those in charge of the Korean prosecution. Most were younger and like Jung Jessica’s minions. Donghyuck kind of imagined himself having minions for the fraction of a second. Her scaring him into confidence was very effective, evidentially.

Jeno and Jaemin had not yet talked and according to Guanheng, Doyoung had caught on and tried to sit the two down and squeeze what was up out of them without success.

Donghyuck sent both very strongly worded Kakao messages.

Both replied whining how they were sure to be rejected and it was no use.

On Tuesday, Donghyuck went to visit Yangyang when Mark went to see Yukhei. Visiting Yangyang was like a buy one get two free, usually.

“Why did you not put yourself into a bubble when all of us were game-over already and you had only one life left? Now all our progress is deleted and we’re back to the stupid-ass middle-castle when we had finally cracked that flying-mushroom level that nobody likes!”

“Well, you could have not gotten killed. It’s your fault just as much as mine!”

“We literally _screamed_ at you to make that bubble, how is it so hard to do the smart thing one time in your life? It’s all we ask of you, yet here we are!”

“As if, you just wanted me to not do it when I was already so close to the goal. If you hadn’t taken my remote to mess with me, I would have easily made it! Why do I never get to be the one succeeding?” there were tears in Jisung’s eyes from anger and Donghyuck felt bad despite Jisung obviously having acted recklessly.

He sniffed and a small sparkling tear fell.

Donghyuck wasn’t one who couldn’t handle people crying, he had never been. It was heartbreaking even with those who simply easily cried, how Jisung or Renjun did. Especially now, that he was constantly crying himself and knew how miserable he felt, his heart sunk. It was just Mario, they had probably been too harsh over a silly game.

“Come on, we don’t want you not to succeed!”

“Never, we know you’re fully capable, more than anyone!”

“I was just worrying and thinking about the progress, but we can totally re-achieve that. We already did before!”

Jisung was enveloped in three people hugging him and because he was almost as tall as Johnny but half the size, they could somehow fit him on top of Yangyang and thus all provide soothing until it was okay and Mario Bros just a Wii game again.

No one had ever planned to seriously hurt Jisung. Of course not! It just happened, misunderstandings in the heat of the moment were hard to avoid. Important was, what the reaction was. Either, you quickly cleared up any communication problems and apologised, so you could be forgiven.

Or you did not, potentially even added to the pain until the other person would only connect that to you.

Until the hurt would not only be limited to a situation or a person anymore but slowly overtake every and any aspect of one’s life.

There were enough people in the world who _wanted_ others to worry, to fear, to suffer.

Donghyuck forced himself to focus on the game and the bouncy mushrooms from hell instead of remembering the damp community bathroom, in which his voice had echoed off the walls…

“Hyuck, get the power-up, get it!”

“I am! Hands off my remote!”

After a while, Mario got boring, how it always did. They had played these same levels for years, at this point, but since Nintendo had not released a newer version, they kept going back to it.

“Did you write with Nana?” Donghyuck asked when Chenle and Jisung had disappeared into their respective rooms – or both in one, who knew for sure.

“Duh,” Yangyang’s legs were 80% of his body, but Donghyuck also had at least 65% legs, so they were struggling a little on the armchair while also trying to _eat_ crisps and not just crumble them all over the furniture and its immediate surroundings. Donghyuck had gained 1.1 kg by now and this was definitely going to go right to his tummy and make it softer.

“Ever since Saturday?” Donghyuck eyed Yangyang and when Yangyang threw him a glance back, he knew he knew.

“Yeeeeah, you know, with Jeno?” Yangyang carefully probed, obviously thinking the same.

“How they kissed?”

Yangyang nodded, visibly relieved. Typically, a dog Hybrid would be better at keeping a secret or rather feel more guilt about possibly blowing it. One more instinct humans liked to exploit.

“What a mess. And they still haven’t talked, these idiots, they have to talk!” Donghyuck huffed and crunched salt and vinegar between his teeth, a bit flying where it wasn’t supposed to go. Oh well. Someone would have to clean that and that someone was not going to be Donghyuck.

“I don’t know about Jeno, but Nana’s kinda… well, he admitted he had liked him for longer, actually, ever since he first met him, which… was three years ago? I think? And he meant to get over it but didn’t. As we saw. Do you think Jeno might like him back? Because I never got that vibe, but I also never get romance-vibes, to begin with. Plus Jeno just develops feelings fast. Not in a bad way, of course, I didn’t mean to say it was bad or less good because he does that fast.”

“Don’t stress, I know what you’re talking about and how you mean it. Jeno’s just actually too pure for this world,” Donghyuck muttered, thinking about Jeno who still thought exclusively the best of every person he met even after years of working for the union where it got abundantly clear that was not the case.

“Maybe. But he says he’s sure Jeno doesn’t feel that way.”

“There’s no other way than talking, which they both don’t want to do. It’s ridiculous, what are they expecting? A miracle? Not even Taeil-Hyung can read minds!”

“He kinda can, though,” Yangyang furrowed his brows, “Like when we did that knife-throwing thing? Where I kinda hit Chenle’s arm and he almost bled to death?”

Donghyuck snorted, “He did no such thing, that was tiny!”

“Well, it could have been an artery, we didn’t know! Anyway. He and Jisung swore to never tell anyone, but Yukhei-Hyung brought us to the check-up and Taeil-Hyung just knew it had been me? He must have read my mind for sure. Or Chenle snitched, but I don’t think he did, he’s the best at keeping secrets!”

Donghyuck giggled. He did remember that and even if there might have been a chance to forget, Chenle loved to show that scar off and re-tell how he had gotten it because it stemmed from bravery. It also read as dumb-ass-ery, but whatever.

“I don’t even know what to tell Nana. I’ve never had a relationship, don’t have any plans to ever have one, and I don’t get all this fuss anyway. So what, it’s just lips touching, which, why would you want that but okay, but why all this angst? Urgh, I don’t even _want_ to get it. I’d go and ask, honest and upfront: I feel like this and that, how about you, there!”

Donghyuck chuckled and stroked down his tail to relax it.

“It sounds like the manual of an IKEA shelf if you say it like that.”

“How is it different from just that, though? Miss me with the bullshit, seriously, I’m glad I unsubscribed from romance forever.”

“Stupid romance or not, you summed up the basic points correctly. I feel like I need to step by in Cheongdam and try to bully Jeno into doing that because Nana is a tougher nut to crack.”

“He’s like one with spikes. A litchee!”

Dunghyuck choked on his salt and vinegar crisps and ended up vacuuming the floor because he felt bad for having spilt half the bag’s content while trying to not suffocate on deep-fried potato.

Unsurprisingly, Jeno and Jaemin had not talked yet and Guanheng informed him that by now, Taeil and Jungwoo were seemingly starting to worry.

Donghyuck tried calling Jeno, but that traitor didn’t answer his phone and only whined back to his texts while Jaemin said he’d never talk to anyone about anything and he’d block Donghyuck if he didn’t stop.

Wow. The audacity.

On Wednesday, Donghyuck made Mark bring him to Kunjang university.

He had been added to the Union’s group chat some time ago, but he assumed the others had kind of forgotten because he didn’t participate. He had read all the bad news posted to the chat, he hadn’t been able to not, but he trusted them and their work. He had held back and focused on his health. It had not been in his plan to return until he could handle his anxieties to the point of functioning and feeling like himself at least the majority of the day.

Admittedly, Donghyuck wasn’t where he should be yet. He did not feel like himself for the majority of the day – maybe daytime, but even that was a stretch. However, he did always feel hopeful, his chest was never cold, there was always at least a spark to rely on. He knew he had his map, he knew he’d find the goal, so even when he was too insecure and had to swallow words or would feel tears rise in his eyes, he never forgot he was still himself and he’d rebuild everything he wanted.

That was what kept him going.

But that was also what sparked his determination. He missed doing things for the union more than he feared everything else.

He had so much he wanted to achieve!

So, he had not exactly announced himself because he had been unsure if he’d come. Until the last minute, he had not been able to overcome his insecurity and only giving himself a very long pep-talk while staring at his very cute, soft, and stripey tail had made the determination stronger than the anxiety.

The world needed some ass-kicking to get off its lazy back and change.

The humidity outside had made his hair poof up the second they left the flat, “You look like an orange balloon,” Mark drily noted.

“You look like a puff fish that stated moulding. I think you need to re-dye the black,” Donghyuck raised his eyebrows because Mark’s hair didn’t only look like it had been fried to death, it also became greener every day. With the added humidity, it turned into a new low-point, “Or the buzz-cut, that would also be an option, probably the better one.”

“I’d prefer the dye option.” Mark ran a hand through it and got stuck. Donghyuck winced. “Do you know where exactly we have to go?”

The building had come into sight and Donghyuck wondered if they should turn around and go home.

No, it’d be fine, he knew everyone there.

Seojeong was home with her family, in Ansan, but would come back in two weeks, in time for the hearings in court to begin. He had met up with Renjun plenty, they had kissed plenty, if only on the lips, cheeks, hands, that was already a lot. Sookyung had been the one who had asked the most times how he was doing. He had written with Harvey even after correcting his essay. He had asked Yerim about uni a bit. She studied biology. That was a science and reasonably close to physics, wasn’t it? She even had to take a basic physics course, she was the best resource he’d ever find. It felt highly unlikely a SKY university like Yonsei, where she went, would look twice at a Hybrid’s application, but Donghyuck had to come up with his plan C somewhere.

Might as well take the most ambitions option and tackle it first.

“Fifth floor, then to the right. They have meeting rooms there,” Donghyuck closed his umbrella when the university’s roof was over their heads, keeping them dry.

“Nice,” Mark nodded in approval and was the one to call the lift for them.

Just to make sure, Donghyuck took a step closer to him. No one gave him a second look, just like the first time he had been here. He was still scared, but that was okay, he was doing this for the very first time and it felt like this was quite a big thing – dare he say a wrecking-ball thing – to do. Next time, it’d be less scary until it’d be normal again.

The campus was notably emptier, most students probably having better things to do during their holidays.

It was easy to find meeting room #5 Jakarta. They were five minutes early, so Donghyuck simply gave it one knock, then pushed the door open.

Only Harvey and Yerim were here already, eyes widening.

“Hi, I decided to drop by,” Donghyuck smiled and his stomach only felt a little heavy and hurt a tiny bit. Very good! Patt patt. “Long time no see. Oh! This is my owner, Mark!” Donghyuck presented Mark by gesturing over his body wildly because he was so nervous. “He’s here for mental support and physical protection since a tag doesn’t cut it, apparently,” Donghyuck tried to not sound as bitter as he was.

“Awesome!” Yerim smiled, but it was slightly worried. Still. Donghyuck appreciated she pretended this was normal, “I don’t think we’ve met? I’m Yerim, I’m mainly responsibly for the finances. I study bio at Yonsei,” she bowed her head a bit and Mark returned it.

“Nice to meet you, too. I’m Mark. Which Donghyuck already said. Okay, forget that, please,” Mark chuckled awkwardly. Yerim bit the insides of her cheeks to keep her laughter down and Donghyuck already knew she was not going to forget that.

No wonder Mark had to dye his hair green to get kissed by girls.

“Hello, my name is Harvey. I study Korean studies here at Kunjang. It is very pleasant to meet you,” Harvey also bowed quickly and grinned.

“Right, nice, where are you from?” Mark asked in interest.

“I am from London, but I was born in Kent. I moved to the capital for studies. I am in Korea for one year. Now half a year. Yeah.”

“ _Oh, your Korean’s really good, though. I’m actually from Vancouver… kinda. I study there, at UBC if you have heard of it?”_

_“Not so much?”_

_“Ah, okay. Well, it’s kinda known in North America, but Europe is different, right?”_ Mark laughed, _“I like the accent, though, it’s charming!”_

Donghyuck felt like he was watching a cheap romance when Harvey blinked and then searched for words while his cheeks got a bit pink. He turned to look at Yerim in exasperation, who looked like she was watching a telenovela and gave him a huge grin in return.

The good, or bad, thing was that Mark would be the only person not noticing a single thing here.

Before Mark could accidentally flirt with the exchange student more, the door was opened again and Renjun stumbled into Donghyuck.

“Huh?”

“Hi, surprise,” Donghyuck felt his chest warm at Renjun’s face turning from confused to happy.

“Big surprise!” Renjun apparently took a second to remember they were not alone, but he snapped out of it quickly, moving on to greet everyone else.

Sookyung arrived next and asked to hug Donghyuck if he felt ready?

He did feel ready.

“Did anyone hear from Guanheng? Are they still coming?” Yerim asked when it turned three and they were still two members short.

“I’m sure they’ll be here in a second, you know they’re a bit poor at time-managing,” Renjun suggested and plucked the cable for the beamer into the iPad. A simple PowerPoint Presentation flickered up on the screen for everyone to see and Donghyuck scanned the bullet points.

Trial, protests, banners, flyers, …

Oh?

“Sorry, we’re late, we missed the Metro by hair’s breadth,” the door was thrown open.

Donghyuck turned to see Guanheng and Jeno file inside and he saw how the panic was turned on in Jeno’s eyes when their gazes met.

So, he and Jaemin were still not talking then.

“Don’t worry, we didn’t start yet. We need Jeno for his new concept on the YouTube channel, after all,” Renjun smiled.

Guilt over kisses and feelings for best friends turned into excitement. It was typical for Jeno and Donghyuck hoped he actually switched and didn’t secretly beat himself up over things…it wasn’t a good feeling to do. He’d catch him later – maybe.

“Yes! I had some ideas on how to maybe let more younger people find out about Hybrids and just de-stigmatise it after I watched amazing videos from different other marginalised communities!”

Oh!

“I’m already in support!” Donghyuck beamed and Jeno’s tail started wagging.

They had a YouTube channel already and there was a thing called the video of the week, however, these videos usually were translations of what came from headquarters. In essence, those were advertisements.

The concept Jeno now presented on several PowerPoint slides was much deeper than that and more personal, too.

He wanted them to become the hosts, so they were no longer just the faces of the union, but also seen as normal people.

They could try different formats, different guests could appear, both humans and Hybrids. They could do whatever they wanted, add as much information as they felt like, no one would dictate their content anymore.

They just had to put themselves out there.

It was scary – but it sounded amazing. If people would actually listen to this, and Donghyuck somehow felt like there was a chance they would, it could open a new and independent way of communication and thus impact.

People had listened before. One of the main issues why they now didn’t was that the union was silenced through a lack of exposure. If they could grow a way of being heard independently from anyone else, no one could just draw the curtain on them.

Nevermind how much more they could explore on an entire channel. A 10, 20, or even 60-minute appearance at a new show with a fresh audience meant they usually had to start from scratch and clear up basics. They could clear those first, but even in more detail than normally, and then they could build upon those and dive in deep – or even keep it shallow. So many people didn’t even know how to properly scratch ears.

Donghyuck felt himself grow overly excited, but it was hard not to.

He had so much hope, so much will to get started and do something good to change how Hybrids were seen and treated!

“YouTube is much work,” Harvey tapped his biro against his notepad.

“I know. And luck. I have many ideas and I think they’re good, though. Sicheng-Hyung said he would help, as would Xiaojun. I’d really like to try because what if it does work? We could tell people about good petting techniques or instincts or how it feels to have a tail. Things I don’t even think about much, but humans don’t have. We could explain them and then maybe some would stop thinking poorly about them. We could do more, though, we could talk about how we always have to wear a collar and how objectifying that is. I just need your approval and I will put in the work!”

Donghyuck was rendered speechless, almost a little… touched.

He had never seen Jeno this passionate about a project, this sure about what to do, where to begin, where to end. He wasn’t dumb, not at all, but Jeno tended to let others think and just wiggle himself into a comfortable place in the hierarchy, usually far down, leaving leading to others. Maybe it was lingering inferiority issues from how he had been raised to think of himself that way. Maybe it was his instincts. Maybe it was just his personality.

Still.

He could be more. Everyone could. This was proving it and it felt like Donghyuck was witnessing a very grave moment of Jeno… growing up. Not physically, but emotionally.

And that was okay. He was proud.

“I think it’s an amazing idea!” Sookyung nodded approvingly.

“I even already brainstormed some topics and maybe segment corners,” Guanheng beamed.

“Yeah, I totally approve as well. I know how many things I tripped over and still do because reality and expectations differ so much. It’s also so easy to hurt someone – if we help educate people, it’d help stop some from doing so accidentally. Those who’re interested could educate themselves without having to find Hybrid friends, which is still so difficult,” Renjun agreed.

“I understood maybe half of that. But it sounded good,” Harvey laughed.

“Same, I’m right with you. We can at least try and maybe we can even give you some questions that we still have or those we remember learning about with you,” Yerim also voted positive.

Jeno’s eyes landed on Donghyuck. He was looking for his approval as if he had never not been here and was just another member, nothing had changed.

“I already said I was in support and I think the idea is amazing. I have some things I feel like should be talked about, stuff that a friend or a partner might be unsure about!” Donghyuck nodded with a smile. It felt good, everything about this did.

“Yes! Partner! I didn’t even consider that! Imagine, it could be for people who’re interested in a Hybrid romantically, so they can find out why you have to go to the park together every weekend,” Jeno scribbled down notes and Guanheng sighed loudly.

“Jeno, I told you: humans don’t feel that way, it’s hopeless!”

The biro stopped where it was moving, but Jeno didn’t look up.

For a moment, the room was deadly silent.

Donghyuck’s heart was in his throat. When it came to relationships and if they could work, he had not talked back yet. He had not felt ready, but…

“I like going to the park. Why not? Maybe it’s not same-same, but if both try to adjust a bit to the other’s needs and wishes, why should that not work?”

Donghyuck turned to look at Harvey, who had just spoken despite having kept out mostly before – probably due to language issues. For this, he didn’t need many complicated words because it was easy, or it at least could be if you wanted it to be.

Yes! Yes, exactly! It _could_ work, they had a perfect example in the room.

_But no one knew that._

“I’m not really sure, to be honest,” Sookyung scratched her neck awkwardly.

_Because of this._

“There are inherent power-imbalances that are very easy to abuse. Nothing against your ex, Jeno, it looked very lovely and she was a good person, but where do we draw the line between dependency and true feelings? It’s difficult and dangerous for the Hybrids, don’t you think?” she explained.

Donghyuck understood that. Yes, they had to be careful, more careful than a human, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t even try! It just meant a more throughout inspection and assessment!

“Maybe if it’s the owner, but what power-imbalance would there be in other cases?” Yerim leaned forward to rest her elbow on the table, brows furrowed.

“There are plenty. Higher education, the chance to work freely, general authority over your body – Hybrids don’t have that, _especially_ since many of us are very stuck in the trained persona our breeders give us. Society only sees that and wants that, it’s bound to lead to either abuse or heartbreak. I’m with Sookyung, it can get really ugly because you think someone cares about you and loves you only to drop you like a hot potato,” the hurt in Guanheng’s voice was real and valid and Donghyuck _understood_ and would never make light of his pain, but…

But…

His eyes met Renjun’s and he saw the worry in them.

“I agree. Humans are awful,” Mark suddenly chipped in, voice hard, “I wouldn’t want that for anyone I know. I’d be worried sick, so I’d rather no one tries anymore after all the failed attempts. It’s just not right and won’t work out.”

When Donghyuck felt Mark’s eyes on him, he thought that Mark had come to a wrong conclusion somewhere. He was angry he had said this, hurt Renjun indirectly and also taken Donghyuck’s authority to decide this, but it was clear the reason was nothing but compassion and worry.

He didn’t know what to say.

He was even more scared to admit it now and anything he could think of would reveal his own situation, his and Renjun’s.

He couldn’t do it.

Not yet.

“Gee, thanks, Mark,” the hurt in Renjun’s voice was unconcealed and Donghyuck had to swallow thickly. No. It was okay. Renjun knew this could happen, he had been aware of the difficulties in their way.

If he had just a little less anxiety and fear of losing his friends, yet again, he would have said something, too, something unmistakable.

But he did and he hadn’t and he wondered, yet again, if Renjun really deserved such a boyfriend.

“Um… that got awkward fast. Sorry I brought it up,” Harvey cleared his throat.

“Yeah, let’s maybe drop that topic since it’s not like anyone of us is actually in love with a Hybrid. Let’s get back to the banners. I feel like we should go with the subtle version if at all because it’s been a while since we did this and we cannot be sure how much the authorities will let slide,” Yerim pushed one print-out into the middle of the table.

“You didn’t have to say it like that.”

Donghyuck had wanted to talk to Jeno. He had wanted to make him see why he needed to talk to Jaemin, but he had not had the mind to. He had his own relationship to put first, his own worries and fears that weighted too heavy to put his heart into his friends’ mess.

“What? Like what?” Mark furrowed his brows.

“About humans. Not all are awful, obviously. That was a room full of really nice humans and I don’t see why they couldn’t date a Hybrid if they wanted to,” Donghyuck changed the side where he was holding his umbrella and put it over his other shoulder so he could walk a little closer to Mark, further away from everyone else.

Maybe he was being ridiculous for saying this while scared to walk into someone who’d be mean and hurt him, but this and the people he liked and trusted couldn’t even be compared!

“I know they are good allies and they know, too, but I still don’t think they should cross that line.”

It felt patronising. Donghyuck hated nothing more than being told what to do – even when it was Mark, whom he loved a lot. He glared to his side, unable to swallow it down.

“Cross that line – it sounds like it’s something shameful or illegal! What if I wanted to date a human? Would that be an issue, too? Would you tell me no like I’m some toy you get to decide over?”

Mark seemed completely taken aback by the question and froze in his tracks. Donghyuck stopped a couple of steps ahead of him, turning.

“Have you gone insane, Hyuckie? Of course, I wouldn’t want you to date one of those who hurt you! I never want you to have to go through that again! I’m not the one who sees you as a toy, they are!”

“Do you think I want to put myself in harm's way? Do you think I’d be this stupid and have this bad judgement to trust some random asshole stranger?”

“I don’t get the question, then. Why are you upset?”

“Because you’re completely misunderstanding and mixing things up! And you’re being mean, Mark! Mean to my friends and my… friends while you’re also human! Hell, we’re a _family_ and that does not make you different from Johnny-Hyung, or does it? It _never_ mattered, why does it suddenly?” He had closed the distance between them. Not many people were out with the weather like this, no one bothered to even give them a second look. Those who did, Donghyuck didn’t even have the mind to acknowledge.

He was so upset!

Tears stung in his eyes and his chest felt tight and hurt.

Why? Why Mark?

“It _is_ different. I am _not_ like Johnny-Hyung! I don’t give good tummy rubs or ear scratches and I get to go to college just wherever I please! I’ll get to apply to any job and have a realistic chance to get it! And if I so much as thought about it, I’d be legally allowed to hit you and no one would ever punish me for that! That _is_ different and that is _always_ there and _always_ dangerous for you, why don’t you _see_ that?” Mark had raised his voice and gestured so much, his umbrella slipped, the rain falling onto his head and making his hair stick to his forehead.

Guilt was in his eyes.

Guilt because he was so lucky while others had fates so much worse than him.

Fuck, Donghyuck understood, he understood him on the deepest level.

Just why was _this_ the conclusion he came to? That humans and Hybrids had to stay separate forever because of the inequality?

Donghyuck knew he didn’t need Mark approving of his relationship.

But Mark was his brother and if _he_ didn’t… who would? How should it work?

“You are an idiot, Mark! There is still such a thing as morals! No decent human would hit another person, legal or not. I still got a spot in college, just because it’s more difficult for me, doesn’t make me inferior!”

“I just want to protect you! I want you to be safe, you’re much too precious to me to risk you getting hurt!”

“But there is a difference between protection and suffocation! There is a difference between a human who keeps Hybrids as their slave or prostitute and one that keeps them like family or a partner, how do _you_ not see that? Or am I that, a slave, do you think yourself above me and thus think I cannot be with another human?”

Donghyuck regretted his words the second he had said them.

But it was too late.

The colour drained from Mark’s face and he pressed his lips into a thin line.

For moments, the only sound was that of the rain pattering onto the asphalt around them.

Then, Donghyuck felt the first tear drop off his chin.

It hurt.

Everything hurt.

And now, it was Donghyuck’s own fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad many of you were able to see where Mark is coming from - though I also understand the frustration you expressed. That's exactly what I was going for, it's a very difficult situation and there's no right and wrong ~

“Oh dear, what happened to you? You had umbrellas!”

The rain hid his tears and Donghyuck tried to walk past Minjun before he realised what was going on and why they were both drenched to the bones when, yes, they had brought umbrellas.

“No, no, no, not like this, this is a newly renovated flat. Both of you are going to wait here and I’ll get towels.”

Donghyuck took a shuddering breath and tried to swallow down what felt like enough to suffocate him. It had been a while since he had had to. It felt like it had gotten harder. Or he had gotten weaker? Not having to hide and not being as scared was so much easier…

Mark’s sniff was telling and where Minjun had taken two steps away already, he now froze and did a 180, returning.

Donghyuck stared at the ground where a puddle had collected around his green socks.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

He wasn’t being addressed, so he kept staring down.

“Nothing!”

“Johnny? Could you get two towels, please?” Minjun called over his shoulder and now Donghyuck also couldn’t hold his tears and sniffs anymore.

He hated, no, despised fighting with Mark. Or with Johnny, for that matter. It hardly ever happened, luckily. They bickered all the time, sure, but a petty argument left you giggling, usually. A fight was different, it hurt and ached and the tears just fell.

“It sure doesn’t look like nothing. Donghyuckie?”

Mark’s next sniff made Donghyuck cry harder because he felt terrible. He _knew_ Mark didn’t think that way, yet he had accused him of being just short of monstrous.

“I-I-I-“ no words came.

Heavy footsteps arrived.

“Huh? What’s going on?” Johnny sounded worried, really worried, and Donghyuck didn’t even dare to look up.

A towel was wrapped around his shoulders and he felt Johnny start to dry his hair roughly before he went over his shoulders, rubbing the towel up and down forcefully. He hadn’t realised he had started to freeze in the airconditioned room, but now he did because Johnny was warming him up.

“Let’s go and sit down on the sofa, this is no place to be,” Minjun suggested and Donghyuck used the edge of the fluffy fabric to pat over his eyes.

He looked up and his eyes met Mark’s. More guilt was shining in them. Mark hardly ever cried and he had already stopped, still, Donghyuck knew just how much he had hurt him with his words.

The words to take back what he had said were nowhere to be found, though.

He let Johnny gently push him through the hall into the living room and onto the sofa, where he tightened the towel around his shoulders like a superhero’s cape. He felt nothing like a hero. He had behaved more like a villain.

The right thing to say was.

“I’m sorry, Mark!” “I’m sorry, Hyuck!”

Once more, their eyes met and this time the guilt was replaced by genuine regret and hope. Donghyuck felt Johnny’s heavy arm still around his shoulders, his presence right next to him while there was a small distance between him and Mark, who was next to Minjun.

“Why are you sorry? You have to stop being sorry, I fucked up! I didn’t mean that at all. I’m so stupid for even thinking that; I’m sorry, Mark!” Donghyuck’s voice switched back and forth between a hiss and a sob and he blinked away more unbidden tears.

“You don’t have a monopoly on being sorry, I am because you were right. I was being a douche and making decisions for you like some entitled Hybrid-abuser! Fuck, you had every right to compare me to one!”

“No! No, I… I didn’t mean that! I just said that because I was so angry, but I shouldn’t have because you don’t even compare, how could a loveable dork like you ever be so cruel?”

Donghyuck couldn’t bear seeing Mark look so guilty and upset. He pushed himself over the sofa and wrapped his arms around him. They were both equally wet and probably not good for the sofa, but no one had thought about that, unsurprisingly.

Mark groaned, but his arms immediately closed around Donghyuck’s shoulders and he rubbed them over his back – if a little stiffly.

“It’s okay you’re not so good at tummy rubs and ear scratches, okay? Differences are okay, humans are different, too, they don’t have to mean much if you don’t want them to,” Donghyuck whispered and Mark took a very shaky breath.

Donghyuck knew the feeling of guilt eating you up.

He didn’t want anyone else to feel it. They didn’t deserve it.

“Okay,” Mark mumbled and when Donghyuck straightened up, he no longer hurt and no longer felt like suffocating. Johnny had scooted to make up for the distance Donghyuck had created and they were all closely snuggled up.

“So, was there a reason why you, Mark, behaved in a patronising way and you, Donghyuck, accused him of overstepping?” Minjun gently asked. Arguments had to be settled fully, Donghyuck understood. It shouldn’t repeat itself.

Just… they had apologised for overstepping, but that didn’t mean Mark’s mind had changed regarding the base problem.

“It was about Hybrids and humans dating. I think they shouldn’t because there are too many differences and dangers and it means everyone will get hurt! Nevermind how awful humans tend to be, but even with allegedly nice ones, it always fails as we see from the past break-ups. I don’t want anyone to purposefully get hurt!” Mark crossed his arms and Donghyuck sunk deeper into the sofa, feeling anxious again.

He didn’t want to add oil to the flames, so, he didn’t speak when Minjun looked at him for his side of the story.

“I see. And a few broken-up relationships mean no one can give it another try?” Minjun asked.

Donghyuck glanced over, first at him, then at Mark.

It was ridiculous. It _could_ work.

“There are so many underlying issues, where do I even start?”

“Well, you start with challenging and overcoming them!” Donghyuck huffed even though he had said to not say anything. Damn.

“I mean… aren’t there issues in every relationship? Even between either just humans or just Hybrids? Love isn’t always super easy, or… probably usually isn’t,” Johnny chipped in carefully.

Mark opened his mouth, but then he must have recalled all the many difficult things Johnny had gone through in his relationship – especially to get to his relationship.

_‘I’m too scary!’ ‘I must be terrifying!’ ‘How can I stop him from being scared of me?’_

“I just don’t want anyone to get hurt,” Mark muttered and stubbornly rubbed his eyes.

“You’ll get wrinkles by 25 if you continue to do that,” Donghyuck muttered because he didn’t know what else to do. Was Mark reconsidering it? It felt like he was. If he ruined that by saying the wrong thing, he’d hate himself.

He wanted him to change his mind. He didn’t want to keep it secret forever, but, as he had told Renjun, he wished he could make everyone reconsider and accept it before he told them, so no negativity would directly hit Renjun. His family were the most important ones he wanted to be okay with his boyfriend! They both meant the world to him!

Nevermind Renjun had already gotten hurt by Mark’s words.

“I don’t either, but some things just hurt even though no one meant to make them hurt. That’s the difference – some people want you to hurt. Those are bad! The other ones are just life,” Johnny explained.

“Great, so how do you know who goes into which category?” Mark grumbled.

“You don’t. That’s also life, Mark,” Minjun explained, “But there can be cases where you can be quite sure about the person’s intentions being nothing but genuine.”

Donghyuck pretended he didn’t see Minjun looking at him now.

Of course, Renjun was nothing but genuine. He was the one who had opened the door to equality for Donghyuck by coming to Heaven, that day forever ago. There was no better human who burnt more for the same things Donghyuck did than Renjun.

But Minjun knew that.

And Donghyuck wanted to tell him why he was so personally offended by Mark not giving Hybrids and humans a chance.

Soon.

By the third time Donghyuck came to Kwon and Park defendants, it wasn’t scary anymore. He was fully emersed in his role of being the intern in his head and the badge on his belt felt like it was his already.

Of course, he was still worried. That was normal, to a degree. He was very careful to keep that a normal degree, and then he’d allow himself to worry all he wanted.

“Hi, good morning,” Donghyuck looked up from where he had been playing with his notebook. He had written in it during therapy when he had had to work through the things that had happened, similar yet completely different from how he had to here.

The woman who came inside was not who he had expected. He had seen her before when Mrs Jung had introduced her minions. Her hair was darker than Mrs Jung’s chestnut, but she was balancing just as many things just as effortlessly and all of that in the same heels Mrs Jung always sported.

That might be taught on the first day and a mandatory skill.

Donghyuck stood up to bow.

“Good morning.”

“You must be surprised to see me, sorry for the unannounced change. Mrs Jung had to appear in court on short notice because yesterday’s questionings took a very surprising turn with a witness. I’m part of her team, specifically working on your case for her, focusing on the charges we have against the Korean suspects because I only have a Korean degree. I’m still completely qualified to take her part right here, so don’t worry, I take my work very seriously.”

She smiled and pushed the small strand that was loose from her bun behind her ear. It made sense she was lower in the hierarchy, she looked a lot younger than Jessica.

“My name is Kim Jennie, nice to meet you, Donghyuck.”

“Nice to meet you, too.”

“I have to admit, I’ve heard of you before this. A friend of mine is friends with Jungwoo, we went to university together.”

Donghyuck perked up. It wasn’t like he knew Jungwoo’s entire circle of friends, that would be weird, but since he was Jaemin’s owner, it felt like there was a connection there. It made him a little less uneasy about now having a stranger sit here, even though he knew many strangers already knew his story and more would once his trials started.

“So, you went to K U, too?” Donghyuck had enjoyed Mrs Jung’s way of making him comfortable by telling about herself a little. Maybe Mrs Kim would do the same?

“Yes, exactly. I graduated in 2015 by taking a bit more work-load to cut my study time and expenses short. Do you have plans on where to go after your Bachelor’s? For law, I mean?”

Donghyuck blinked at her.

It took him several seconds to realise that she was asking him where he wanted to go to study law. As if that was normal and he was not insane to think he would ever get the chance to do that. As if he could just plan and choose and it was the most natural thing in the world.

It felt amazing. Like he owned the world. Did humans always feel like this? No wonder some were so shitty, it must get to their heads…

“Not exactly. Because I don’t feel like going back. It’s too… risky, yeah. I want to try and finish my Bachelor’s degree in Seoul, but I don’t know where yet. I have a friend at Yonsei who said she had an amazing teacher in physics, so I want to send an application there for sure.”

“Oh, Yonsei is amazing for physics, of course!” Mrs Kim smiled dreamily for a second.

“Shouldn’t you dislike Yonsei? I though K U and Yonsei were rivals?” Donghyuck knew Taeil and Jungwoo both were disproportionally petty over their alma maters, but no hard feelings at all seemed uncommon, too!

“Well, they are, but have to admit there are some issues at K U as well, so I’ll not die on the hill of them being the second best. I don’t mean to discourage you to apply there, though. Take every chance there is, that’s what I did,” Mrs Kim nodded and then flipped his file open, “Let’s pick up where you last left off, shall we? I know I’m not Jessica Jung, but try to just pretend I am. I am just as determined to help you as she is. Rape is one of the crimes I feel the strongest about and I want to see people go behind bars for what they did.”

Donghyuck nodded and picked his notes up.

He felt like with a team like Mrs Jung’s, it wasn’t even that absurd to hope for a truly fair ruling…

When he had turned his visitor batch back in and ended his day of pretending to be an intern, Donghyuck’s mood was still optimistic. It usually was, just because his attorneys were the way they were – aka pretty damn awesome.

The person to pick him up today wasn’t Johnny. He had work, which was great for him. Donghyuck could ask anyone to pick him up. As long as he wasn’t alone, he felt safe enough. The first time it had been just him and Guanheng, he had been worried and stiffer and more awkward than even normally, but nothing had happened. It had been okay to be scared. He had not let that fear cripple him but overcome it and now it was normal again, how it should be.

“Nana!” Jaemin perked up where he had been waiting and Donghyuck hopped the last steps until he could throw himself around his friend, “Why have I not seen you in so long? It’s unacceptable!”

“Well, you were busy doing that YouTube concept,” Jaemin muttered. That was true.

“And because Jeno was there, you suddenly couldn’t help out? I see. If you’re scared to catch cooties, I have to inform you, you must already have. It’s super contagious!”

“Har har,” Jaemin wrapped his arm around Donghyuck’s shoulders as they stepped onto the street. He had a very hands-on approach to protecting and Donghyuck did not mind it the slightest.

“No, for real, Nana, when are you two going to talk?”

No, he was not going to get too involved. He didn’t need a side-project, not at all, but he did want his friends to be happy.

Preferably with each other if that was what would add to their happiness.

Jaemin didn’t reply, but when Donghyuck turned his head, he looked conflicted and… scared.

“It’s so difficult. I never thought it would be. I thought once you, you know, like each other, it just falls into place. That’s what it looks like from outside most of the time. But that’s, apparently, not how it actually goes and I’m… mainly scared.”

Donghyuck’s heart sunk and he snuck his arm around Jaemin’s waist.

“Being scared sucks. But you know the only way how to feel less scared?”

Jaemin grumbled, “Yeah, but I don’t wanna hear it.”

“Alright, be stubborn then. Let’s hope one of you finds the courage.”

“I thought I’d ask Jungwoo-Hyung,” Jaemin blurted out and Donghyuck was surprised to hear that, “He always knows a way how it’ll work for me, you know, because he’s my Hyung, and he also already knows about… the situation.”

“It sounds like you accidentally blew up a nuclear bomb. How did he find out?”

“Oh, well, when I first met Jeno, I thought I was having cardiac problems and asked him. Stop laughing, it’s so embarrassing. I was so stupid, but I didn’t know that was what falling in love felt like and I asked him for something against than. Hyung gave me sugar pills and said they’d help. I thought they were medicine and took them for half a year like a complete idiot until I realised. At that point, I didn’t want to complain because then I’d remind him instead of letting him forget I had stupidly confessed my crush and… yeah.”

Donghyuck felt the laughter shake his body and Jaemin weakly joined in.

“You’re adorable, oh my god, and I never knew! I mean, stupid, too, but that’s so cute!”

Jaemin huffed, but he didn’t move to pull away and kept stirring them down the street towards Samseong.

“But that makes me want you to talk even more. Please ask Jungwoo-Hyung, okay? I’m sure he can help you if I can’t.”

“Your approach is too…”

“Wreckling ball-like?”

Jaemin turned his head, “Yeah, that’d fit. I mean, I was told I behaved like a bulldozer before, but even for me, that’s too much. It takes a Donghyuck to be this bold and confident.”

“Aw, thanks,” Donghyuck chirped and for once, no little mean voices came up in his head, telling him he didn’t deserve to feel that way.

Because he was slowly getting back to that Donghyuck, who was unapologetically himself, confident in everything he had to offer, and never gave up.

And, honestly, baby steps were not his style. If he could walk, he could run.

“Dad? I want to go over to Injoon’s, okay? We want to set up the social media channels for the new YouTube channel,” Donghyuck poked his head into the living room, where Minjun looked up from his book. It was about Chinese medicine for his back-problems. “I can tell you that sitting in the shape of a question mark will counter all positive effects any acupuncture could ever have!”

Minjun straightened up, giving him a crooked smile, “You’re right about that. Do you have a second before you go?”

Donghyuck did. He had not yet confirmed but said he’d talk to Minjun if he could come over. If he said he shouldn’t yet, Renjun would come instead. It was easy like that and meant no one was expecting him and would worry if he didn’t show up.

He slipped into the room and flopped onto the sofa next to Minjun. His tail got squished, so Donghyuck gently helped it free itself. It was almost normal to touch it now even with someone in the room. Almost. Patt patt.

“Just for you, specifically,” he beamed at Minjun, who marked his page and set the book aside, then sighed when he leaned back.

“I should get myself some uncomfortable clothing, so it forces me to sit straight.”

“Button-ups work.”

“They do,” Minjun nodded and Donghyuck scooted over because he felt too alone on his side of the sofa. Minjun didn’t need any further prompting, he put his hand on top of Donghyuck’s head and started stroking over his hair and ears, always mindful of where the healing scar was hidden underneath.

It was easy to get lazy and Donghyuck’s purr rumbled softly in his chest as he forgot why he had even come here.

“Donghyuckie, I don’t want you to feel like you owe me any explanation or confession because you really don’t,” Minjun finally started and Donghyuck tensed up, his purr dying in his throat.

It sounded like he definitely did.

“I don’t mean to tell you how to make decisions and when to make them, but I do want to tell you that… I hope you know I will absolutely always support you in every way I can. Any decision you make, I want to understand and help you with. That is regarding your future in professional aspects, but also regarding who you want to spend it with. You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to, please know I will always be here for you, alright?”

Who you want to spend your future with…

“I know it’s not easy. I wish I didn’t have two boys who always have it so hard, but it’s what I chose, so there is no use in moping and whining. Regardless of how difficult, you can always count on me and your mum. I wanted to let you know that holds for any worry that could be on your mind.”

Donghyuck knew.

But a reminder was always helpful. Especially to a head that liked to deceive him into thinking people would never think that way.

“Thank you. I know, but… now I know better,” he whispered and glanced up at Minjun, but their dad was focussed on where he was petting over his hair.

Donghyuck wanted to just tell him.

It was on the tip of his tongue, itching, aching, wanting to spill because he wanted the world to know about Renjun, about how wonderful and lovely and amazing he was and that he was in love with him.

Because of Renjun, Donghyuck swallowed the words. It wasn’t his decision alone and it would be selfish and unfair to make it.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. It’s just… a lot to figure out,” Donghyuck muttered and Minjun hummed.

“Take all the time you need. You don’t owe me any confessions, I don’t want them if you feel like this would obligate you to make them. About visiting Renjun, if you feel like you’re ready, then, of course, you can go. If it turns out that was a wrong assessment and you need me to pick you up, just call or text me. Also text me when you arrive and when you leave again, can we do that?”

“Yeah. Definitely. Thank you… thank you for trusting me.”

Admittedly, the street was scary.

Donghyuck focused on how nice and warm the sun was on his arms. He had tanned considerably over the last weeks and slowly, the bronze hue returned to his skin.

It might not be what the models in the cosmetic shops looked like, but to Donghyuck, it was the most beautiful state his skin could be at. He had been raised indoors for 14 years to fit that ideal of beauty for his future ‘masters’.

When the Lees had set him free, he had spent the first summer hardly wanting to go inside. The tan was connected to his luck and happiness over having the family he did.

Whenever he felt like someone watched him too much or lurked to take him, he played with the bell on his collar to pull the attention not only of bad but also people who could be good. No one would drag him off the street, not here in the middle between shops and restaurants with many pedestrians keeping him safe. He redirected his thoughts to a happier topic.

He could have taken the bus, but that was a step further and he wasn’t there yet. He walked the 2 kilometres within the half-hour he had estimated.

He sent Minjun a photo, then he sent Johnny one, a selfie where he could see he was alone. Donghyuck made a peace sign and beamed brightly and it turned out so nice, he thought this might make a good profile picture…

When he opened Kakao, he realised he still had the same photo from Christmas. Wow. That was just unacceptable!

_[from: Johnny-Hyunggggg <333] _

_Are you out?_

_Without meee? </3_

_[to: Johnny-Hyunggggg <333]_

_You have to work, old man!_

_And so do I! the world doesn’t change from lazing around Baskin Robbin’s._

_[from: Johnny-Hyunggggg <333]_

_Unfortunately ;(_

_Is everything okay?_

_[to: Johnny-Hyunggggg <333]_

_Very okay. <3_

_[from: Johnny-Hyunggggg <333]_

_I’m very glad to hear that._

Donghyuck was still smiling to himself when he arrived at the building he had been to during that first week in June. It felt like forever ago, but he remembered the landlord and his words. He remembered having felt terrible when he had left.

His chest became tight.

It was okay it was scary now, he had been very disrespectful, but he had been apologised to. Renjun had every right to have visitors over, he could not hurt either of them. Donghyuck had a right to just exist, he wasn’t a sex toy.

Filled with new determination, he texted Renjun, informing him he was waiting in front of the door.

It took just a few moments before Renjun flung it open, eyes wide.

“Did you wait behind that or something?” Donghyuck raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“No. I was just… honestly, I was waiting in the kitchen just in case I had to maybe pick you up somewhere,” Renjun scratched his head and stepped back so Donghyuck could enter.

“Thank you, but you didn’t. I walked all the way,” Donghyuck grinned. Patt patt. Yes, walking down a street seemed like a very bare minimum thing to do, but it had been scary for him and rightfully so.

He deserved to remind himself he deserved praise for normal things, too.

“Yeah, you did,” Renjun’s smile was big, too, his eyes scrunching up.

“It’s still weird you don’t have the braces anymore,” Donghyuck announced as they made their way through the hallway down to Renjun’s room, “It’s weird because there’s just… a gap.”

“We’ll make up for it, okay? Nevermind those braces were annoying and hurt. Now I have a perfect smile,” Renjun bumped his shoulder into Donghyuck, who giggled.

“Are you becoming vain?”

“I’m stating facts!”

Donghyuck turned his head and let his eyes drag through Renjun’s face, still full of confidence.

Well, what should Donghyuck say? He did have a perfect smile and he knew how to perfectly show it. His confidence was just really… hot. Yeah. It was hot, Renjun was hot and he was his boyfriend and it was okay and only a little anxiety-inducing.

“Are you checking me out?” Renjun smirked when Donghyuck’s eyes met his again.

“Maybe so. Are you single?” when it was Renjun, it seemed so easy to say these words, it was possible to think of him as hot and flirt and Donghyuck grew more confident, too.

Because love could right what was wrong and Renjun always did that for him.

“Sorry, I’m not, I have a lovely boyfriend,” Renjun chuckled as he typed the pin into the lock on his door, that chimed in confirmation and let them step out of the CCTV’s range into privacy.

The moment the door closed, Donghyuck couldn’t keep his hands to himself anymore. He was always touchy, but when it was Renjun? How could he even hold back? He settled his hands on his slim hips and Renjun let himself be pulled closer until their chests were against each other. Donghyuck could lean down a tiny bit while Renjun looked up a tiny bit and it was the perfect angle to kiss.

“I’m really proud you came,” Renjun whispered, then closed the distance again. Donghyuck felt his hands gently cupping his jaw, never holding him without escape, just supporting.

“Sounds like I’m a literal moron who doesn’t know left from right,” Donghyuck also kissed him again and again and again, before Renjun could answer because it was still not the easiest to open up.

“You know that’s not what I meant, Donghyuck! Just accept the credit and kiss me again.”

“Okay. Okay, thank you for supporting me. I know I need a lot of reassurance, so thank you for providing that, I love you.”

Renjun made a whining noise when Donghyuck kissed him again and he felt his fingers tighten around his jaw, Renjun’s breath shaky against his own.

He tried to pull away, but Renjun didn’t seem to want to add to that, all his emotions could be conveyed through the kiss – and possibly better than through any words spoken.

And so could Donghyuck’s.

He was slow, careful, just in case it turned out to be too much after all, but no anxiety to take his breath slammed in and stopped him as he let his lips open a bit, kissing Renjun more eagerly, more hungrily. One of Renjun’s hands dropped onto his shoulder, tangling into his t-shirt. Donghyuck hesitated for a second, but Renjun didn’t push, he didn’t press, he left him with perfect control.

He was wonderful, amazing, the best, and Donghyuck hoped to convey all of that through how he kissed his lips, slowly daring to use his tongue to lick over them, then into Renjun’s mouth, knowing how it sent butterflies through both their bodies.

Normally, Renjun would push back more, would take turns with him dominating the kiss, but today he didn’t, he only kissed back while leaving every decision to Donghyuck and that made his heart race even more and made him kiss him deeper, hoping Renjun understood.

It had been exciting and fun to do this, back then, when they had been together for the first time. Maybe it was the veil of forgetting the past pulled over those memories, but Donghyuck felt like it was even more significant now.

His love for Renjun was stronger now. He might not be back to 100% confidence and fire yet be, but he would be. Renjun deserved nothing less.

And neither did Donghyuck.

“Oh wow,” Renjun whispered when they pulled apart and Donghyuck couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled from his chest, free and open, “I might be addicted now.”

“You should be. Addicted to my love,” Donghyuck chirped, blinking his lashes fast.

“Nevermind, I was healed,” Renjun pretended to pull away in disgust, but didn’t even try to slip from his grasp or he would have let go.

“Healed through my love,” Donghyuck snickered almost hysterically when Renjun frowned and pulled away, taking his hand to drag him from the door.

“You’re a dork, why do I put up with you? We have work to do, we can’t keep kissing.”

“I’m sure we can set up some twitter and Instagram and then kiss more,” Donghyuck chirped because, damn, he had been scared of doing this for too long and now it might be even better because he finally could do it and he never wanted to stop.

“It is possible there might be time to spare once we’re done. Work comes first, the world won’t change if we don’t kick its ass.”

Donghyuck paused, then tackled Renjun again.

“There is no one I love kicking ass with more than with you, not even Yerim-Noona,” Donghyuck announced softly, pressed a sweet kiss to Renjun’s cheek, and then settled to get some work done.

Renjun’s face was flushed and he stared at Donghyuck, obviously lost in thought until Donghyuck cleared his throat and he snapped out of it.

“Right, kicking ass. My bad.”

Donghyuck had been right.

Even with thinking of bios and profile pictures and everything else, they still finished rather quickly.

There was plenty of time to explore Renjun’s mouth to remember all the good places.

Donghyuck held still while Renjun kissed him back, took over the control for a little, always just seconds before it got scary again. Once his chest tightened, he squeezed his hand and Renjun immediately stopped, letting Donghyuck take back over until it was okay again and he wasn’t scared to lose control and suddenly be forced into unspeakable things.

Yes, it sucked, he wanted to trust Renjun fully, but he just couldn’t yet. They were working on it and Renjun reassured him it was fine, he understood.

“You know how you said you think our dad knows?” Donghyuck finally asked, his lips tingling from all their kissing. Renjun’s cheeks were flushed, his lips dark red, and he blinked at Donghyuck, looking so incredibly pretty…

“Yeah.”

“I’m quite sure he does, now. He talked to me, to tell me that…well he didn’t want me to tell anything, but he just wanted me to know whatever it was, he and mum would always support me. I didn’t tell him, of course, but… yeah, I wanted you to know. I don’t know when the right time would be, but we said we’d tell them and I feel like it would be okay. For him. I think Johnny-Hyung, too. And Mark… probably. Or he’d at least not be super bad.”

Renjun stroked over the edge of his ears and Donghyuck sighed in content. The tip of his tail slipped through his fingers where he had just been holding it.

“I mean, regarding timing, I don’t know either. It wasn’t in the handbook on how to romance,” Renjun teased and Donghyuck snorted.

“Sounds like you have to re-take the course for that comment alone.”

“Excuse you? I’ll let you know I passed with honours.”

“Lies,” Donghyuck was cut off from teasing more by another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case someone didn’t read the prequels (or forgot, who could blame you): most of SoShi appeared somewhere, but Taeyeon is still an idol in this AU and I decided to give her not only her own discography but re-assign SNSD’s as well as if all those activities had been her solo work ~

“If you feel ready, we can tell them,” Renjun finally whispered when they were finished with fooling around, “Just make sure you’re not getting ahead of yourself, okay?”

Donghyuck let his tail slide through his fingers, his head comfortably on Renjun’s chest where he heard his slightly quickened heartbeat.

“I felt ready. I was this close to just saying it when he assured me because… I know I can trust him. But so you know I’m being reasonable, here’s what Taeyong-Hyung recommended: I could slowly make the circles bigger!”

“You’re speaking in riddles. What circles?” Renjun asked, chuckling softly so Donghyuck didn’t get shaken around too much.

“Circles of people! First, we could only tell our dad and mum, maybe? Because I don’t want to only tell one, that’d feel wrong. Then another person and slowly extend the circle of people who know.”

Renjun hummed, “Yeah, that makes sense. Though we have to think about the order so we don’t hurt anyone by forgetting them.”

Donghyuck paused.

Renjun was right. Sure, no one was entitled to this, but it was easy to feel left out when some got to know and others did not.

“We should. Once we get there. What about your grandparents?”

Renjun sighed deeply and stopped where he had been scratching over Donghyuck’s scalp, so, he rose up to look at him.

His boyfriend’s eyes were distant, far away, probably imagining something.

Donghyuck waited until he had figured it out. He didn’t press, he just waited, laying his head back down where he had been even without getting petted.

“I don’t want to. Rather… this might sound stupid but I’ll say it anyway. Can we go to the temple together? Just… in case there is a way, after all, how they might get the message? If you tell your parents I want to tell mine, kinda.”

The breath he took was shaky and Donghyuck slowly wrapped himself around Renjun to hug.

Donghyuck didn’t hold faith. He had never been raised to do so, neither with his breeder nor with his family when he hadn’t been interested. Still, it seemed soothing to think maybe there could be someone listening and those gone not lost for good. He didn’t pray before a meal, how Mark, Minjun, and Haneul did, but he didn’t have to to understand a concept as simple as life after death.

“That would be great. I’d really like to let them know!”

Renjun looked relieved and nodded.

“Good, yeah, thank you. I’ve thought about it for a bit but I thought you might think I’ve lost it,” insecurity bled into his voice and Donghyuck tried to not take offence even though he kind of did. He had no place when he continuously expected the worst of everyone around him. “Anyway, the dead don’t judge, right? So I guess it’ll be easier to tell them anyway. For all we know, my dad could have been queer and I inherited it from him. Or my mum and she decided to never tell her parents. That’d be understandable,” he laughed, but it was bitter.

“But maybe she would have. After all, she also married your dad, standing up for herself and her love rather than bowing to what they wanted for her,” Donghyuck carefully suggested.

He had no idea if that would help Renjun, but he felt like if he felt like his mum would have done the same things he did, that might be helpful. After all, he wanted his family’s approval, too.

But could he even compare that?

The silence was heavy and Donghyuck worried to have misspoken. He didn’t even know much about them and how Renjun felt because he so rarely brought it up.

“Probably. Yeah. It sounds like something she would have probably done, too, right? She would… have been okay with it, right? Because her love was also shunned and not accepted by some, though for the simple reason my dad was Chinese. Which he had just as little control over as I have over liking men or you being a Hybrid.”

Donghyuck really hated it when Renjun cried, but he understood how it must hurt to not know, to not have the support he did. For a second, he felt guilty that he had parents who did all of this for him and Renjun didn’t, but he banned the feeling quickly.

The world wasn’t fair. He knew that. He couldn’t shoulder the responsibility for all of that, it wasn’t he who had made it this way.

“Yeah. Love is love,” Donghyuck wanted to tell him to not cry, but that’d be dumb. Letting your emotions out in healthy ways was good.

He just grabbed a tissue from the first drawer of the nightstand despite Renjun squeaking about privacy and laid down next to him to pat his face dry until he had calmed down.

Renjun was always prettier when he smiled, so Donghyuck pushed the corners of his mouth up, then placed another small kiss on them.

“What do you even mean, privacy? You still have the same lube we used, I just seriously hope it’s a new bottle.”

“Shut up, do you think that stuff lasts forever? Of course, it is!”

“Hm, good.”

Renjun and Donghyuck decided to tell Minjun and Haneul the next Sunday.

It was a good date because Haneul’s summer holiday would begin this Thursday and she had re-booked her flight to leave the same day. Since Donghyuck wanted to tell them both, it would be best to have them both there in person.

They also decided to tell Renjun’s parents on the same day.

Having deadlines, Donghyuck realised, wasn’t good for his mental health, at least not at the point of healing he was at right now.

For the rest of the day whenever Minjun addressed him, Donghyuck felt like he had changed his mind about whether or not he’d always support Dongyuck as promised or he had found out or something else bad.

Which was obviously not what happened.

Donghyuck just had to stop overreacting. Scratch that. He just had to chill. There, that wasn’t as negatively put. Patt patt.

And he wasn’t the only one who had to chill.

“What do you mean Jungwoo-Hyung told you that you have to talk to Jeno and you still refuse to do it? Hello? Anyone home up there? _Anyone_?” Donghyuck flicked his fingers against Jaemin’s forehead and the other whined and pouted.

“At this point, we all know and yet you refuse to be mature and settle the situation. I feel like this is Taeil-Hyung 2015 all over,” Doyoung narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Well, great, you all know we’re keeping a distance and maybe why, but none of you _really_ _knows_ how Jeno feels, other than Taeil-Hyung and he won’t tell me because it’s private! I hate it here!” Jaemin glared at Doyoung, then at Jaehyun, and finally at Donghyuck before curling up to mope.

Jaehyun scratched his arm absentmindedly, then caught himself and quickly stopped.

Donghyuck turned to Doyoung, the unspoken question in his eyes.

It was glaringly obvious that Jeno felt the same but was possibly even shier than Jaemin, but he might have told Doyoung as his older brother-figure.

The roll of eyes Donghyuck got back was clear as daylight.

How was Jaemin so blind when Jeno had even kissed him first?

“At least you pull yourselves together during lunch and dinner now.” Doyoung still sounded annoyed, but Doyoung just got annoyed quick and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over that. He never meant it personally and he’d be the first in line to find a solution regardless of how annoyed he seemed to be.

“You don’t understand, Hyung. With Taeyong-Hyung and you, it was so easy, but this is not easy at _all_!”

“Believe me when I say it was not easy whatsoever because he’s so annoying.”

There it was. It wasn’t personal, Doyoung practically used ‘annoying’ as an endearment for his boyfriend.

“Okay, but, like, Jeno is so adorable and cute and hug-able and understanding and handsome and hardworking and honest and positive! He always makes me happy, regardless of how upset or depressed or angry I am because he just always knows the right words to say! He’s wonderful and I’ve loved him for so long, but he never saw me that way and I’m sure he still doesn’t and that’s okay, but it still hurts because how should I ever get over a person as amazing as he? I can’t! But now I messed up and if I hurt him, then that is even worse, but I don’t even dare to ask because he’s so dear to me and I’m scared of making a mistake!”

The room was silent after Jaemin’s outburst and Donghyuck was so surprised, downright stunted, he found nothing to fill it. No joke, no comment, nothing felt right to say.

He had thought Jaemin held deep feelings for Jeno, it had been obvious after that kiss a few days ago and his reaction, but this was more. This was a confession that shouldn’t exactly be made to them and felt very personal to hear, but also touching because knowing he had feelings like these for another person was heartwarming.

“I don’t know how to do this. I want to, but I don’t have the courage to tell him,” Jaemin whispered, shoulder slumped and head hung low.

Donghyuck knew he shouldn’t meddle, but his own relationship was going so well, he couldn’t help wanting to just… somehow…

“Nana? Turn around,” Doyoung softly said and Donghyuck looked to where Jaemin would if he turned. He had been so lost in the moment, he had also completely missed how the door to the living room must have been opened.

Donghyuk felt his face fall. Even in his wildest imagination, he couldn’t have thought of what Yuta seemed to have if his grin was anything to go by as he let go on Jeno’s arm and gave the puppy a small push the direction of the sofa where Jaemin sat, completely flabbergasted.

Unfortunately, just as Jeno started stuttering if Jaemin had meant that, Donghyuck was grabbed and dragged away, the door closing behind them to give the two privacy.

“Did you set this up?” He turned to the older dog Hybrid, who smirked and nodded.

“ _We_ did,” Doyoung corrected, “We have a lot of experience in setting people up.”

“Does it count as experience if it never worked?” Jaehyun snickered.

Doyoung snapped around. “Did it not work? Do Taeil-Hyung and Jungwoo-Hyung not have an amazing relationship?”

“I just don’t think we had, aaah,” Donghyuck watched how Doyoung chased Jaehyun down the hallway, up the stairs, where their stomping was loudly heard over their heads.

“Some people need time, but some need a little push. These two are the latter category,” Yuta nodded, looking pleased and who could blame him.

“Dang, I should give you an honorary mention as help-cupid. Maybe if you supply me with a kissing-photo I will.”

Yuta’s face flushed and Donghyuck was the next one to run screeching.

He did have a kissing photo of Yuta and Sicheng, just in case that wasn’t obvious. It was a really cute one, too, taken at the Han at one of the benches where young couples would come on a date.

Originally, Donghyuck had not come to set his friends up for their well-deserved happily ever after. He had come because they had planned to film the first video for YouTube, introducing themselves and explaining the purpose of the channel. Donghyuck expected that to maybe get three views at best, though he couldn’t deny he secretly hoped for more.

Instead, Jeno was now preoccupied, probably canoodling.

After the chase and subsequent coughing attack, Donghyuck wasted away in Sicheng and Yuta’s room. Sicheng was trying to master the art of weaving pearls. He had only joined because Guanheng and Xiaojun were also here and he had nothing to do.

He still had nothing to do.

“When will your song be released?” Donghyuck asked after he had given up the bracelet he had planned to knot. It looked so ugly there was no saving it and not even Johnny deserved to get a present this awful. Not that Johnny deserved ugly things, but he usually appreciated everything and still wore it even if it belonged into a bonfire and nowhere else.

“It’s scheduled for September, but it’s always prone to change, so possibly later,” Xiaojun muttered, eyes fixed on where he was knotting with a lot more success.

“Wow, that’s still far away!” Guanheng gasped and dropped all three threads he had been working with. When he realised his mistake, he cursed.

Was it far away? It was in two months, less than even, the scary deadline Donghyuck had feared.

It wasn’t _that_ scary anymore, just… as long as he had not yet put Plan C into action, it did come with worry because it was the latest deadline to decide whether he wanted to keep his place at Vassar – an amazing and once-in-a-lifetime chance – or give it up for his own sake.

He could worry about that later, right now he had no way to figure anything out, he’d only drive himself crazy.

“Well, we only finished recordings, now the song has to be mastered, the choreography needs to be polished, the concept finalised… a lot goes into that.”

“Still, it’ll be the title track, even waiting another half a year would be okay, right? It’s so exciting,” Donghyuck beamed because it was. So far, Xiaojun had released three songs with labels, but all three had been b-sides.

“Yeah, though I’m also more nervous. I think ballads are my strong suit, but they don’t usually want those as title tracks. I wonder if I should have declined.”

“Nonono, I’ve heard it and it’s amazing and perfect and you’re just being too much of a perfectionist right now!” Guanheng was quick to shoot Xiaojun’s worries down, “Now, the actual question is not when Xiaojun’s song will be released, but when and if at all we will be able to shoot our important YouTube debut today.” He looked up at the clock. “At this point, I don’t even want to know what these two are doing anymore.”

“Well, I’m sure there’s a lot to talk about!” Xiaojun nodded, cheeks puffed.

“Right… _talk_ ,” Guanheng snickered and Donghyuck waited to feel sick, but…

He didn’t?

Huh.

Instead, he suddenly had Taeyeon’s “Let’s Talk About Love” stuck in his head and began to hum the melody while everyone resumed their creative projects.

He should spend his time well… he had the draft for his uni application on Google Drive, so Donghyuck fumbled to find his phone and opened the document.

Now, where could he further improve this, so it’d not immediately land in the rubbish bin of some student assistant?

“I can do this trip in my sleep by now,” Johnny announced on Thursday when their cards beeped on the reader, granting them access to the Seoul’s Metro network.

“You might be breaking records. Aren’t airports also the places where you easiest catch something nasty?” Mark narrowed his eyes.

“Like cooties?” Donghyuck snickered and Mark blushed, quickly looking over to Minjun, who was smiling serenely. Mark nudged Donghyuck’s waist in revenge and Donghyuck shoved him in return.

Someone threw them a mean glare, but Donghyuck really couldn’t help them. It wasn’t like they were bothering anyone.

“I’m not the one who’s suddenly dating.”

“You wish, we all secretly wish, but you have this talent of chasing every potential love interest away,” Donghyuck nodded in fake earnest.

Mark snorted and shoved him again.

“Look who’s calling the kettle black. Where is your love interest then?”

Donghyuck almost blurted it out, but he bit his tongue.

No, baby steps and also only what he had agreed on with Renjun. He couldn’t be selfish.

The airport was busy, as in, crazy busy. Donghyuck nearly bumped into several people and quickly stuck to Johnny to use him as his plough. They all did, even Minjun was walking behind their tallest family member. It must have been a funny sight.

They stopped by the Gong Cha between Metro and arrival area. Donghyuck got strawberry with extra foam and regular pearls in the biggest size. He had gained 1.9 kg by now, he still had a few more before his BMI would be in the normal weight area again and another few before he’d be back to his old weight.

He didn’t have a goal; he’d just keep eating how he wanted and made sure not to skip meals. Sometimes, his stomach hurt or he felt sick and then he couldn’t eat much, but it was rare by now, which was good.

“Look, they switched it to baggage is being claimed! This is so exciting!” Donghyuck chuckled when Minjun wildly gestured to the board with the flights listed as arriving in Incheon.

“Dad, people are looking,” Mark muttered, glancing around.

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop being embarrassing. Once you find that certain someone, you’ll know how it feels when you finally get them back!”

Donghyuck heard Johnny sigh under his breath. When he looked up, he had a dreamy expression on.

Johnny was a romantic, the polar opposite of Yangyang. Minjun and Haneul lived a marriage easy to dream of having.

Dongyhuck didn’t dream of marriage. He just dreamt of having rights and about being a full family member rather than a pet. In a way, dreaming of marriage was similar, though. Of course, Hybrids were denied the right to marry. How silly. To think they would want that. It almost went without mention humans kept it exclusive for themselves – for those marriages the majority approved of, that was.

Once more, Donghyuck thought of the matching rings Jungwoo and Taeil sometimes wore. Sure, anyone could wear ones and give them the same importance as wedding bands, but just knowing you were denied the recognition of the bond you wanted to commit to must be difficult to forget.

His strawberry milk tea was gone and the ice cubes didn’t taste good today, so Donghyuck tossed the empty cup into a bin.

It got boring quickly. It always did; he had been through this more than enough times to already know all the different sorts of tiles and fences and the warning signs in many languages.

Donghyuck leaned against Minjun, then against Mark, then against Johnny, trying to pass the time while the conversation had run dry until, finally, a familiar figure emerged from the sliding doors with the big warnings!

He didn’t even hesitate a second to join the yells of “Haneul-Ma!”, “Mom!”, and “Honey!” with his own “Mum!”, waving just as wildly as Johnny and Minjun. Even Mark seemed to have forgotten this might be embarrassing and was bouncing in his place.

Out of the entire family, Haneul was the shortest, but also the one who had the most authority. She needed it for her job, where she had to overview hundreds and thousands of people and tasks and projects.

None of that was evident right now as she waved back with a bright beam, her jogging suit looking comfortable and unprofessional.

The suitcase clattered over the tiles loudly and Minjun was the first one to hug her before Johnny, then Mark, and then it was Donghyuck’s turn and he was suddenly shy and insecure and scared.

They had talked over the phone a lot, but suddenly all the embarrassment and the suffocating feeling of failure slammed back in and made it difficult to stay and not turn to run and hide.

He was still too skinny, still too pale, still too anxious… he was still not himself.

It had only been a few weeks, so of course, he had not had the time to fully recover, right?

“Donghyuckie!”

Yes, of course not. It was okay, he was allowed to not be okay and she would support him, of course, she would. That was what parents did!

So even though Donghyuck had to lean down a bit, it felt protective and secure when she hugged him, rubbing over his back before pulling away to pat his cheek.

“I’m so glad to finally see you,” she softly added and Donghyuck knew it was heartfelt.

“Yeah,” he could only nod if he didn’t want to start sobbing in an airport.

Which he did not, thank you.

They took a million stops because Haneul needed to buy this and that and look around because she had not been to Seoul in so long.

Donghyuck understood. He really did. Haneul, unlike Minjun, was originally from Seoul but had left her home over twenty years ago. Mark had been born in North America, which was how long it had been. Just for a short year, her company had let her move back home, only to then re-locate her to Japan.

It was her choice, of course, and she loved her job enough to give up a permanent home, but it was clear returning and seeing everything she knew, yet realising the many changes, was similar for her as it had been for Donghyuck.

Just, where he had felt nothing but sadness over things not being the same anymore, she oozed contagious excitement.

Mark kept whining about how embarrassing everything was when he had been the one to dye his hair green to get kissed by girls, which Donghyuck sneakily reminded him of more than once as they travelled like tourists.

Donghyuck hardly cared when people looked at them as though they must have lost it. Who cared about those narrow-minded idiots anyway? Okay, he cared a little, which was why he even acknowledged them, but he didn’t give them any power.

Thursday, Donghyuck spent all day catching up on talks, but also on cuddles with Haneul.

He also went to his final visit with Mrs Jung, just to go over what they had one more time. Haneul also had to go and learn about what she’d have to do. After all, she was the one whose name was in his passport, she had to press for charges.

Donghyuck was not going to be there as a plaintiff, just as a witness how Hybrids always were.

It was ridiculous, of course, but it was what it was. The Hybrid themselves was never the one truly having rights, it was always their owner.

Friday, Donghyuck went on a run with Minjun in the morning, wearing bright orange and SPF 15.

It was the worst idea he had ever had. He was sweaty to the point of dripping and his legs were burning after the 5 kilometres Minjun had chased his up and down the city. Not even the double dose salbutamol had prepared his lungs adequately, a 100-year-old would be in better shape than he was right now.

“That’s the best part about running, the feeling you get when you’re done! Stretch your legs or you’ll get sore!”

“Doing stuff where the best part is stopping should make anyone realise to just not do it!” Donghyuck groaned when a sting buzzed through his body as he sunk down to do as asked.

“You wouldn’t feel this good if you hadn’t done it, though. There are many things where the goal is the only reason to keep going, aren’t there?”

Yeah, such as a rape trial. Those were the ones where you’d want the end to come and soon.

Admittedly, Donghyuck wished it was already over.

He slowly read the article the others had shared in the group chat of the union. It was a small piece, but it summed up how miserable his chances were to win more than maybe three months of probation for what had happened in Seoul. There had not been any ‘real’ rape.

They still didn’t have a date for the US hearings. Donghyuck wasn’t sure the police had even arrested the guys who had been so very clearly in the video.

It was exhausting and frustrating and scary.

On top, Sunday was coming closer. He had two days left before telling their parents about Renjun and possibly facing rejection after all, and then another two befor the hearings.

As he had already found out, deadlines made Donghyuck’s anxieties worse.

Anxiety made his appetite worse.

He felt sick before and after lunch, to the point that he couldn’t stomach anything.

He still had so much weight to gain and now he was making it worse, he was so stupid, it was unbelievable! That Jungwoo even still bothered to mark that chart with rainbow-colours…

Donghyuck groaned and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes until he saw stars. It was no use, whatever food he thought of, he immediately felt like bile was rising.

He knew he was lying by pretending he had been eating when he had not.

Unsurprisingly, that knowledge didn’t make him feel any better.

He wanted to write his applications. He had dug up more than twenty unis where he found someone that potentially might take another look at them with a lot of luck. He was going to apply everywhere! But he felt too sick and scared to even open the laptop.

It was frustrating. He had been fine in the morning and now he was not and he just wanted an off-switch for his head! Why was it so annoying? Why couldn’t he just pull himself together?

Donghyuck took a slow and deep breath, focusing on the ceiling.

It was okay, getting healthier wasn’t a race and not a smooth ride. It was ought to go up and down and be hard.

“Hyuck?”

He turned his head to see Mark poke his head through the door.

“I was looking for the song you played yesterday? What was it called?”

Donghyuck patted the mattress next to himself. “Information will only be released in return for payment!”

Mark chuckled and slipped into the room, lying down next to him.

Donghyuck knew well how to make it work with someone who was untalented in the arts of how to cuddle. Renjun was not much better, always stiff and awkward, but it was cute. Mark knew to let him do his thing and Donghyuck quickly had them arranged comfortably.

“Which song are you talking about?” Donghyuck whispered when he was sufficiently comfy.

“The one that had this really different vibe?” Mark started imitating a sound.

Of course, Donghyuck immediately knew which song he was referring to and joined in when Mark got to where the vocals started.

“유희는 쉬…” his voice broke not even the first line in.

_Seduction is easy…_

“Urgh! Why?”

It was just a song, a song about love, sultry and hypnotic. It didn’t mean he was any of that and even if, it wasn’t bad.

But it also was.

He was allowed to feel sexy if he wanted!

But he also wasn’t.

Donghyuck’s face was buried in Mark’s shirt as he felt the first sob shake his body.

He wanted this to be over.

It hurt!

He hated this!

He was so tired.

He didn’t have the strength to go down again and again and again and again.

No, that was bad thinking, he should stop.

But how?

He wasn’t even angry anymore, he was exhausted from his frustrations.

If only he had never given-

“I wanna be a billionaire, so fucking bad. Buy all of the things I never had…”

Donghyuck was interrupted where he had just been about to think what he knew was ridiculous and not true but would still hurt him. Mark’s voice was soft and he didn’t properly try to hit the notes or make it melodic, but it might be difficult to sing while being suffocated in a hug.

Letting go wasn’t an option, though, at least not yet. Donghyuck just held on tighter as he sobbed again.

“I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine, smiling next to Oprah and the Queen. Oh, every time I close my eyes, I see my name in shining lights, yeah, a different city every night, oh, I, I swear, the world better prepare for when I’m a billionaire.”

Those were Donghyuck’s lines. Donghyuck would sing, he was always singing… had been. He had always been singing and Mark had decided rapping was cool and swag and then they had sung every song that fit together, sometimes with Johnny.

This one song was for when Mark felt down. When he had missed his parents so much it had been hard not to cry, when he had been stressed from school, when he had worried over his future, or when someone had made fun of his height or eyebrows.

How could you be sad while singing and rapping about being rich as fuck?

You couldn’t. You couldn’t think about how far away your parents were, how much homework you had to do, how difficult the college entrance exam was or the job market, and height and eyebrows didn’t matter to billionaires.

You couldn’t think about courts and criminals and parents and boyfriends and all the unfairness of the world either.

“Yeah, I would have a show like Oprah, I would be the host of everyday Christmas, Give Mark Lee your wish list. I'd probably pull an Angelina and Brad Pitt and adopt a bunch of babies that ain't never had shit, give away a few Mercedes like 'Here lady have this' and last but not least grant somebody their last wish. It's been a couple months that I've been single, so, you can call me Mark Lee Claus minus the Ho Ho. Ha ha, get it? I'd probably visit where Katrina hit and damn sure do a lot more than FEMA did. Yeah, can't forget about me, stupid, everywhere I go, Imma have my own theme music!”

“Oh, every time I close my eyes,” Donghyuck’s voice was raspy from his tears, but it wasn’t difficult to sing.

No, not at all.

And it was freeing.

“I see my name in shining lights, a different city every night, oh I, I swear, the world better prepare for when I’m a billionaire!”

It was like the purring. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed it until he now did it and it was like someone had turned the lights back on.

“I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad,” was the last line and Donghyuck almost wanted to start right back over, but he didn’t need to because the effect lasted and he felt better.

“Why did we make it Mark Lee Claus, it sounds stupid as heck?”

“We were teens.”

“Mark, we’re currently both nineteen.”

Silence laid over the room for several seconds.

“Can you stop ruining my excuses?”

“Never,” Donghyuck turned to look up at Mark with a cocky grin.

Mark frowned back, but he also started petting Donghyuck’s ears.

It was like a dam had broken.

Donghyuck was just lying there, he didn’t even realise when he started singing softly until he was at the chorus of Under The Sea already.

“Thanks, Mark. I felt truly shitty and now… better.”

“Sure thing. Can you please stop singing?”

Donghyuck started snickering because that had been 50% of their conversations from 16-years-old on.

“No, sorry, your fault, you released the monster.”

Mark just sighed deeply.

In fact, the billionaire therapy was so effective, Donghyuck managed to get up from bed, eat an entire bowl of soup, and he even head for Cheongdam as planned.

He tried very hard to save this moment onto his brain’s hard drive to refer back to the next time everything sucked again and he felt terrible.

He wished he could say it was never going to get to that again, but he knew it would and it was better to be prepared, as for most things in life.

There was a special reason why he visited Heaven on this sunny Friday afternoon: Their YouTube debut needed to be filmed when Jeno wasn’t busy making out with his new boyfriend.

“Hello, my name is Jeno!”

“I’m Guanheng!”

“And I’m Donghyuck,” Donghyuck grinned into Xiaojun’s iPhone camera where it was mounted to the 1,000-won-tripod. They were on a budget here.

He somehow managed not to start laughing again because he already had three times and with the others also occasionally slipping, this was the 22nd take for which Renjun had called ‘action’.

“On this channel, we want to focus on Hybrids and everything around us. Questions, misunderstandings, myths, we want to tackle them all! We’re not sure how exactly it’ll go, but for now, the three of us will be your hosts and we might get some guests. If you have video suggestions or questions, you can leave everything down below. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for weekly content!”

“Today, we wanted to just answer some frequently asked questions. We asked our human friends and also looked on Google to see what seems to be the most burning on your minds.”

“Alright, let’s get into it!”

Donghyuck held his grin for a second longer while Renjun turned the recording off.

“I feel like an idiot,” Guanheng whispered, staring at the camera as though his life and all the decisions he made up to this point flashed before his eyes.

“I mean, it’s a little awkward, right? I think if you don’t have a script to follow, it’ll be less stiff and weird. At least there’s three of us, so we can usually interact…”

“But you can’t forget the viewers or they’ll feel left out and not enjoy it!” Jeno pointed out.

“You really did your research, didn’t you?” Donghyuck scratched his head and Jeno nodded so wildly, his ears flopped back and forth.

“It’s luck, mostly, but there is a variable I can influence, so I want to do the very best possible to up our chances of getting seen!”

Donghyuck couldn’t hold the coo and he let himself fall against Jeno, who almost dropped to throw the tripod (and Renjun) over. Which would have then also gotten the phone. That would have been unfortunate, seeing how they had borrowed it from Xiaojun for the sake of getting the best possible quality. It costed more than Renjun’s entire closet, so he had drily pointed out. Xiaojun wasn’t stingy and he had money to spare and invest in the newest stuff but surely would want to do so every other day because his friends were clumsy.

“I’m just here for the fame,” Donghyuck giggled even though he was not. Sure, it was nice to have people recognise him and say nice things. It almost outweighed those who hated and targeted him. But, truly, Donghyuck was burning for the cause and the recognition wasn’t as exciting anymore as it had once been.

“Of course, you are,” Guanheng rolled his eyes.

“Guys, I’d love to cuddle, but we kinda have to shoot the actual video?” Jeno chipped in.

Donghyuck and Guanheng exchanged a look and quickly sat up straight.

It was cute, that Jeno was suddenly the mature and reasonable one, the one with the responsibility and the one putting his all into this. Cute, but also really impressive.

“Aye, sir!”

To get through everything and hopefully have some usable clips of every question took them much longer than Donghyuck had expected.

Three hours for a maybe twenty-minute video.

It was still short compared to some of the things they had done only to get a tiny bit of media attention. Donghyuck remembered days upon days spent in front of Gangnam’s court building in the cold of winter, just because if they lingered there in big numbers, the press got curious what was going on.

Donghyuck was leaning onto Renjun’s shoulder to re-watch the last parts they had shot, eyes carefully tracking all his movements and expressions.

“I look nice and tan, right?” he muttered when it finished and they were left with the still image of the three of them, Jeno and Guanheng to his left.

“Hm, like fried chicken,” Renjun nodded solemnly and Donghyuck squeaked, then attacked him with tickling.

Xiaojun’s phone almost became collateral another time if Jeno had not saved it.

Renjun was taken out quickly, but Donghyuck didn’t feel like moving away yet. He just remained lying on top of him, ignoring his complaints about oxygen.

He kind of wanted to kiss him, just because.

That was a fair enough reason to kiss your boyfriend, wasn’t it?

Sure, it wasn’t done in public, but a small peck on the cheek wouldn’t be too scandalous, for sure…

“You’re heavy, Hyuck!”

“Hm, I know, I’m working hard to gain weight!”

Renjun sighed and surrendered, reaching out to begin petting over his head because he knew if anything would get Donghyuck to move, it was first appeasing him like this.

It didn’t work because now he didn’t want to move away anymore at all, purring happily.

Still, as he laid there and let bliss take over, he wondered how it would be to just… tell. So he could kiss Renjun when he wanted.

When Jeno started clearing up the tripod and the blankets and pillows they had draped in front of the wall for more comfort, Donghyuck finally sat up to be helpful, only to come face to face with Guanheng, whose eyes were narrowed as he had been observing the two of them lying on top of each other.

When their gazes met, Donghyuck suddenly felt a shiver down his spine. ‘What the hell?’ was clear in Guanheng’s face. No excitement, now mischief, nothing, just deep confusion over who on earth could be this dumb to have this much affection for a human.

“Donghyuck? Do you have a second? I have a pressing matter.”

He could have probably just kissed Renjun, it would have probably not been much less subtle. Damn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	24. Chapter 24

“You could have asked for my hand in marriage in front of the others, you know?” Donghyuck tried to grin as he closed the door to Guanheng’s room behind himself, but it fell short.

This was not according to plan.

This was very not according to plan.

He had considered taking Renjun along, but… but then what?

He didn’t want him to get hurt.

Donghyuck would take it as long as Renjun was kept safe.

“Are you…” Guanheng had not even fully sat down, but he stood back up half-way down, running hands through his hair in distress as he walked up and down, “What the hell, Donghyuck, am I seeing things or were you _this_ close to kissing Renjun – and not to tease?”

He turned and looked at Donghyuck, yellow eyes wide and inescapable, so full of deep and honest confusion.

_How could you be so dumb to love a human? It will never work!_

Yes, yes it would work, don’t be silly.

“I wasn’t,” Donghyuck denied even though he _had_ been this close, “But if I had been – what about it?” He had this under control. Yes, he was scared, yes, he was anxious, but he knew how to work with both these emotions. He had known he’d be the most stubborn out of them all and here he was, proving himself right. That was his favourite activity.

The old Donghyuck, the confident and unapologetic one, was slowly taking the wheel again!

This was the one that Renjun deserved as his boyfriend and the one who’d proudly introduce him as such.

“Okay, listen, no, no, no,” Guanheng’s soft and shiny hair started to stick up from how violently he ruffled it.

“Shut up, you don’t get to decide any of this!” Donghyuck snapped back. Friends or not, he wouldn’t accept this patronisation – not from anyone!

“Donghyuck, please, I know you think it’s not my place, but _please don’t_!” Guanheng looked downright panicked now, his face draining colour rapidly. Donghyuck’s annoyance faded and he started worrying.

“You know what, Henny, I feel like this is not even about me. Come on, sit down,” he gently pulled Guanheng to sit next to him, where he shrunk into a small ball of misery.

“Don’t do that, he’ll go to hurt you and say unbelievably cruel things you can never forget even though you want to and even though you try to!” Tears made Guanheng’s voice shaky and Donghyuck’s heart sunk as he hurt for his friend.

Wordlessly, he pulled Guanheng closer to envelope him in a hug, rubbing over his back carefully while he softly hiccupped and sniffed and tears soaked through Donghyuck’s t-shirt.

He had not been here when it had happened and, once more, he felt bad for having missed his friends’ lives going on.

But he was here now, he could make a difference now and be here for him!

“What did he say?” he softly asked.

Guanheng sniffed a couple of times before he answered, “I don’t want to repeat it.”

“Okay, yeah… maybe not. Did you tell no one?”

“No. I… was ashamed and… urgh. It’s my own fault, so.”

All of that sounded much too familiar.

“I’m quite sure it’s not, but, you know, I’m actually not that super great at this because I tend to think the same way you seem, but… could you tell Taeil-Hyung exactly what you just told me? Because I know he’ll know what to say. I realised opening up and talking does help. Things hurt more when they’re kept in your chest where they try to suffocate you.”

“I know, but…”

The silence between them was understanding.

Donghyuck did know.

“I wanted to give up. He really… made me feel like there was no reason. I was ready to quit everything because it seemed completely pointless and I could live a good life as a pet, right? I used to want to be that, I once thought it was my destiny and a good one. But it’s not, at least not for me and I realised how ridiculous giving up because of his words would be. Yeah. But, occasionally, I still… You know he was part of the union! It didn’t change anything, he only joined to undermine us! See how cruel humans are?”

Guanheng pulled away and stared at Donghyuck as if he wanted to hypnotise him, but he wouldn’t succeed. Donghyuck knew he was wrong, he knew it could be different. A relationship between human and Hybrid could be wonderful if based on mutual trust and understanding – which, again, was absolutely possible.

“He sucks and deserves to be miserable all his life! Seriously! I hate him without even knowing him for doing this to you. I know some humans are unbelievably cruel. Actually, there might be cruel Hybrids, too. After all, we share a ton of DNA. Johnny-Hyung said that’s just life. Getting hurt while living it a risk we all carry, but…”

He took a deep breath. Should he?

“With some people, I think it’s clear they fight for our cause just as… if not more than us.”

Guanheng’s eyes, still shiny with tears and red-rimmed, narrowed and Donghyuck tried to keep his smile innocent and nonchalant.

“I’ll have to think about that,” he finally muttered, then pulled away to grab a tissue to dry his face and blow his nose. When he was finished, he turned again, “I’m hopeless to think Taeil-Hyung would think poorly of me, am I not? He would never do that, would he?”

It was clear how unsure he was. He wanted to trust him, Donghyuck could see that, but he wasn’t sure because he was blaming himself and worrying there might be some truth to their words.

“I think you could personally stab him 23 times and he would never think poorly of you. Of course, he wouldn’t do so over some dumb guy hurting and wanting to break you! You know he loves you, right?”

Guanheng nodded, not even hesitating. Donghyuck nudged his shoulder.

“I know it can be scary and you think you’ll lose that. I thought you’d all stop loving me because I thought I had brought it upon myself and failed. Getting it off your chest will be freeing because you realise it’s not like that, so. I recommend it.”

Guanheng seemed to consider it for a second, then, he nodded.

“Thank you for encouraging me. And about Renjun… maybe you have a point. I’ll get back to you.”

Okay, so, two people who had been opposed were already reconsidering.

Now he’d just have to start telling them why he wanted them to reconsider.

Which was ever so slightly more nerve-wracking.

“What do we even say?”

“How do I know? They’re your parents!”

Donghyuck stared at Renjun with wide eyes, “I thought you’d know! Injoonie! You were all confident cool guy with the swept fringe and now you don’t know how to tell my parents?”

Renjun gaped back at him.

Sunday had, somehow, come a lot faster than anticipated.

After the rollercoaster that Friday had been, Donghyuck had considered going to visit Yerim to read through his applications with her on Saturday, but the Metro had been a little too scary alone. Sinchon was really far from Samseong, too, so no one could quickly pick him up if needed.

Instead, he had sufficiently occupied himself by playing PUBG with Yangyang and Jaemin, not thinking about Sunday’s main event anymore.

A grave mistake, so it seemed.

“I should have had more targeted panic about this,” Donghyuck muttered, “Useful panic. Mine was all useless!” he flopped down over Renjun’s lap to pout.

“Let’s panic now then. When will your parents be back?”

Donghyuck checked his watch.

“Church ends 12, then they’ll have to drop Mark off with the trio and Yukhei-Hyung and come home, so… 12:30?”

Renjun had gotten weirdly stiff.

“What?”

“Donghyuck, it’s 12:28.”

“Yeah, well, I thought you knew!”

“Oh my god,” Renjun groaned and let himself fall onto the mattress dramatically, “I thought our communication had gotten better, how is it still this bad?”

“We should ask Johnny-Hy-“

_“We’re home!”_

Well, there was that.

“Change of plans: We should wing it!” Donghyuck sat up. Maybe it was the stress or the adrenaline or all combined, but he had to tell them.

Right now.

He couldn’t wait for a single second longer!

After the small fight, after their dad’s words, and after Guanheng saying he’d reconsider, he suddenly was pushed by determination because he wanted _everyone_ to know and envy him for his amazing and wonderful boyfriend, who was all his and loved him how he loved him.

“I’ll look pretty then, I usually do that best,” Renjun muttered and sat up with much less enthusiasm.

Donghyuck took his hand and pulled him off the bed. He couldn’t even hold still, his tail thrashing behind him because he was so giddy to finally say it, make it public, if only to two people so far.

“Of course, you’ll look pretty. Unless you mock someone and pull those really ugly grimaces. Or in the morning. Or on that snapshot when you were just talking and had your mouth half-open,” Donghyuck pressed a kiss to Renjun’s cheek.

It was almost as if the happiness he had been unable to feel for weeks, months, ever since it had started, was trying to make up for the missed time. He felt like he was walking on clouds, high on endorphins. Usually, he functioned with anxiety as a side-helping, but there was no side-dish right now.

It was love that could right all wrongs, wasn’t it?

At least for a little, but a little moment of pure joy was a little moment of pure joy.

“Mum, Dad, I have someone to introduce!” Donghyuck hollered because, finally, he wanted to show his boyfriend off!

“Oh my god, Hyuck,” He heard Renjun wheeze, but he let himself be dragged from the room and down the hallway to where Minjun and Haneul were currently shaking out their umbrellas from the rain.

Minjun looked up first, confusion on his face. His eyes flitted from Donghyuck to Renjun, then down to where their hands were still in each other’s, holding tightly, and a small smile spread on his face.

Haneul took a second longer, having to fight her hair back into where it had tried to escape and she just glanced between the two of them in confusion.

“I mean, you already know him, dad, but I…”

“How about we go to the living room, where we can sit down comfortably?” he found himself interrupted by their father.

Right. This was not so romantic. He shot Renjun an apologetic grin, who looked like he had also been close to telling Donghyuck exactly how inappropriate this setting was.

By the time they were all squeezed onto the sofa, that was only meant for three people, Haneul must have caught on, too.

Donghyuck was suddenly feeling nervous again.

He should have blurted it out in the hallway, regardless of how un-fitting.

“Um, so, um,” Words suddenly wouldn’t come.

What if he had been wrong?

Just how he had been wrong about the people he had thought were his friends and would want to meet up in the community room…

Nonono, stop right there. There was no comparison! These were their parents, who had reassured him they’d support him, always, unconditionally, because they loved him! Yes!

“My name is Huang Renjun,” Renjun gently chimed in, saying his name so prettily how Donghyuck wanted to say it, too, but couldn’t quite, “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs Lee. Donghyuck and I met a few years ago when I was starting to work actively for the Fair Hybrid Treatment Union. I’m currently the head of the executive board.”

“Of course, Renjun! Call me Haneul! I’m really happy we also get to meet after I’ve heard of you so many times,” she sent Donghyuck a smile.

For some reason, their smiles and obvious encouragements didn’t make it easier to figure out how to convey exactly why they were meeting Renjun. But it was okay. He wanted to say it, he could trust them, they’d support him, they loved him!

“I never knew you were head of it! That’s impressive!” Minjun added, nodding in approval and Donghyuck saw Renjun become shy for a second. Yeah, that was still there, it was cute. He loved that, all of him, he loved all of Renjun.

Now he wanted everyone to know he did!

“Yes, so, Renjun and I are boyfriends, um, have been for a month and a bit now. And we’ve also dated a while ago, but broke up when I left. I know he’s human and a guy, but he’s wonderful and the best and I love him and if you say something mean I will cry and also be angry with you until forever.” Donghyuck took a breath as deep as his poor asthmatic lungs could give him because he had said it all on one as to not lose courage.

For a few seconds, no one spoke, the room was so silent you could hear the drop of a pin, but no smile faltered, no shock spread on anyone’s face.

“Well, what happy news!” Minjun was the first to break the moment.

“Yes, they are! There… were some assumptions,” Haneul shot her husband a smile, “We’re very happy to hear you’re happy with each other.”

The relief of hearing this almost made Donghyuck tear up, but he managed to pull himself together.

He was happy, too, so unbelievably happy to have parents this supportive and loving!

“We absolutely are. I promised you we would always support you, Donghyuckie. Of course, the same will apply to you, Renjun. If you have any fears or worries – or if you feel like we treat you poorly, please, come and talk to us,” Donghyuck turned around to Renjun, hoping he saw how great his parents were. He wanted Renjun to be loved unconditionally here, too, since he wasn’t at his own home!

“Okay,” Renjun looked slightly overwhelmed, face paler than normal.

“You both know this world might not yet be ready to accept you?” Haneul added softer, reaching out to put her hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder to gently stroke over. “I know you know, but we parents worry.”

Donghyuck exchanged another glance with Renjun.

Now, the insecurity was gone and determination instead had taken over his features, his confidence like the moon had come out from behind a cloud and illuminated the night.

“It doesn’t matter to me. I love Donghyuck and I’m sure about that.”

It was kind of a tiny bit embarrassing and also very, very nerve-wracking, but Donghyuck turned to their parents again.

“Yeah. Changing the world is my favourite hobby,” Donghyuck tried, but he sounded a bit small. He wasn’t 100% back on that, but that was okay, he could take more time to heal until he was.

Haneul’s worry faded off her face and Minjun reached out to squeeze his cheek playfully.

“We know that. We want to support you, how we promised. We can’t always be there anymore because you’re all growing up so fast, but if you call us, we will be. Both of you,” she fixed Renjun in her typical stares she did when she wanted one of her sons to remember something.

“Absolutely, we don’t want to become the monsters in law pop culture loves to make fun of. This isn’t meant to imply your parents wouldn’t do the same thing, of course,” Minjun beamed and Donghyuck felt his content smile drop.

_Oh no._

Renjun took a deep breath and his smile became a little sad, but it didn’t disappear.

“Yeah, I think they would have, but I lost them in a car accident when I was five, so I very much appreciate all of what you offered. Thank you for welcoming me so kindly.”

“Also, like, no one is planning to get married. I’m just pointing that out,” Donghyuck added before awkward silence could let the mood drop. It was a hard fate Renjun lived, one full of unfairness and bad luck. Yet, he was still who he was, strong, smart, and compassionate – and a die-hard activist.

If Donghyuck would go down with the fight for equality, he knew Renjun would be standing next to him.

“No? I’ll cancel the cake then,” Renjun drily returned and Donghyuck started laughing, his parents joining in after another second of shock.

He had done the right thing, he had overcome his own insecurities and bad experiences that had no application here. The relief and happiness over this made him want to annoy everyone by singing, but he couldn’t yet think of a song, so he only mentally patted himself on the back.

That was well-deserved!

Now, who would be next?

“Donghyuck, you’re being a wrecking-ball again. We only just told your parents and you have the first court date in two days,” Renjun sternly said when Donghyuck and he were in the lift to the ground level after lunch. The 22nd floor, on which their flat was, was too far for anyone to take the stairs unless it was for workout-purposes or just to show off they _totally could_. It was especially too far for someone like Donghyuck, who’d barely manage two flights without needing his reliever medication.

“Well, yes, but those are different things! I want everyone to know because… because!”

“Thrilling logic, I’m compelled to agree– not!” Renjun flicked his arm.

“Okay, well… after the court date then?”

“Is it that urgent to you? I just don’t want you to be overwhelmed, okay? I feel like I need to remind you of that because it’s, honestly, a tiny bit fast for me. We just had a disagreement at the Union last week,” Renjun had to squint his eyes when they stepped outside and the sun had decided to peek from behind the monsoon clouds.

“I know that,” Donghyuck muttered because he did, “You might be right, nevermind if it’s too fast for you then that’s totally fair and we should slow down, it’s not only about me. Sorry.”

Renjun smiled and rubbed his back for a moment, “Don’t be, that’s why I told you, communication, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But just looking ahead – slowly – whom do we want to tell next? Johnny-Hyung and Mark-Hyung?”

For a split second, Donghyuck thought back to Mark’s reaction, to his opinion that these relationships shouldn’t even be attempted.

“They’re basically my brothers…”

Renjun let their arms brush against each other as they walked. They couldn’t hold hands if they didn’t want to make themselves targets. Donghyuck was unhappy about that, but he agreed it was better to not do it because it was really asking for trouble. He didn’t feel ready to go out and look for it again yet.

“There’s no deadline to this. We don’t have to tell anyone like crossing off a list just because we told your parents, you know that, right?” Renjun pointed out.

“Yes, I do, but Guanheng kinda caught on and I feel like maybe more will. I don’t know, maybe because the change wasn’t gradual? That could be why it now sticks out as weird to them? I don’t want anyone to feel left out.”

Renjun hummed, “Yeah, it’d suck to hurt anyone, but it’d suck worse if you got hurt, you know? What’s the issue with Johnny-Hyung and Mark-Hyung?”

“Remember our fight? I’m worried Mark could be hurtful like he was during the meeting. I don’t want you to get mean comments.”

Renjun cooed and Donghyuck shoved him a bit.

“Okay, okay, sorry. I can’t say I wasn’t offended because I definitely was, but I also know some people think that way and will judge me. Better than those who’ll think I bought you to have as a toy. In both cases, I don’t care what they think and I will be able to deal with comments – even from people I like and hope would support us. I think Mark-Hyung would give me a chance, right? We’ve been through this together. There were so many instances when we were the two humans. I think our friendship is strong enough to let him reconsider if he hasn’t already.”

Donghyuck hadn’t yet included that in his worries. It was a very valid point to bring up. Not only was Renjun a human that had objectively proven himself as the best, but he was also a human Mark liked a lot! He wouldn’t think so poorly of Donghyuck’s boyfriend if it was Renjun.

Right?

“Or it’ll ruin years of friendship.”

“Or that. That’d be unfortunate, but I’ll choose you over Mark-Hyung, sorry to him.”

“Why does it sound so easy when you say it?” Donghyuck muttered and let their hands touch just for a second.

“Positive thinking patterns and rational solution making as a treatment of chronic pessimistic thinking.”

“You could have said magic or the power of love.”

“I’m going to be sick.”

“Love you, too,” Donghyuck accidentally pushed Renjun so hard, his wildly giggling boyfriend stumbled over his own feet and he had to save him.

The temple was old, dating back to Joseon dynasty. Most temples weren’t new, but this one seemed like a portal to a different world. It didn’t look like one of those that were attractions for tourists. Most of the wood and its paintings were paled, clearly maintained with small funds rather than kept in full glory. It didn’t seem to fit with Gangnam, but it was right between skyscrapers and massive streets full of imported cars.

“Are there rules?” Donghyuck whispered. He had been to a temple before, but just as a visitor, never as someone who’d leave an offering or pray.

“Hm, not anything that’d get you arrested. Be respectful, of course, don’t just sit down anywhere, bow to the monks, and just be quiet and calm,” Renjun explained as they took the stairs. July’s maximum humidity helped Donghyuck’s lungs slightly, but the heat ruined any positive effects, so they were moving at turtle-speed.

The trees dampened the noise from the street, but it was never silent in Seoul. Donghyuck didn’t mind, he lived and breathed like the city, its life felt normal, almost necessary, to him. Poughkeepsie had often been too quiet, especially the campus grounds. Silence meant people could lurk – though they were also lurking in the loud streets of Seoul, this was what was familiar and comfortable to him.

Donghyuck stayed behind while Renjun entered the small shop in the front. The poster outside was as old as everything else, the letters bleached by the sun. They were selling offerings, of course, as well as proving guidance, he could read that much.

It couldn’t have been busy, seeing how they were alone, and Renjun soon re-emerged with incense sticks.

“Alright, we’re allowed into the Buddha hall, there are no special ceremonies right now,” he informed.

“Um, so, what do we do inside?” Donghyuck asked as he followed up a few more steps and then down a narrow path.

“You take your shoes off and kneel facing Buddha, next to me. I just want you to be there. I always use the same mantra to pray for them. It’s not like you can talk to them or anything, though I admit I do, so… yeah, just being there, I’d hope if… they’d notice you. Okay?”

Donghyuck nodded. The atmosphere of the temple made it feel like these beliefs could be more than just hopes without any scientific evidence. After having told their parents, Donghyuck, more than before, wanted Renjun to have the same wonderful experience if he could. This was as close as it got.

Two people were already inside the hall when they entered through the left door, lost in prayers. The scent of incense clouded the room, probably permeated into the wooden walls and floor to never leave again.

It added to the feeling of surreality. Like anything could happen here, the lines of rationality and emotionality got blurred.

Even just sitting next to Renjun as he closed his eyes and started forming words without making a sound let his hairs stick on end. He felt his tail accidentally bump into Renjun over and over, but it was hard to control it.

Donghyuck tried to visualise the photo Renjun had shown him. He took after his father quite a bit, the slim face and build were on his side while his mother had been almost as tall as him with a rounder face and fuller lips.

They had looked very happy in that photo, Renjun squeezed between the two of them, screeching in laughter. A snapshot of life.

Donghyuck still wasn’t sure about the afterlife or anything. Renjun had just said you couldn’t talk to them, but their parents had said you could in prayer with God. There might be some conflicting ideas going on there, but Donghyuck didn’t mean to stir any of that – he just wanted to introduce himself how Renjun had, say what he wanted them to know and what he would have said had he had the chance to meet them in this world.

So he did even if, most likely, no one was listening.

‘Hello, my name is Lee Donghyuck, it’s nice to meet you if you’re there and this isn’t a high from incense. I met Renjun in 2016 after he came to my friends’ house and told us about Hybrid rights. You know, we Hybrids, we aren’t treated very well. You probably know, it was already like that in 2005 when you were still alive. We’re changing that, though, so we can be treated fairly. Maybe we’re not the exact same physiologically and psychologically, but we’re close enough so the differences can be as tiny as the Euripus Strait in relation to the seven seas.

‘Renjun knows that. With him, I always feel safe and happy. He helped me realise I could fight to get the same rights he has and he always treats me as an equal without any doubt. We also like to make fun of each other, we watch movies and theorise about them for days after, oh, and we used to sing a lot. I actually want to do that again, soon, because I just forgot it was so much fun. I was gone for a bit, but I’m back now and I want to stay – not only but also for Renjun. He’s wonderful and I love him and I’m sure you would have supported us, right? I wish you could tell him you love him as he is because I know it’d mean a lot to him, but I guess that might be difficult, right? I’ll tell him instead then. You can count on me!’

“Hyuckie?”

“Hm?” Donghyuck was ripped from his conversation, though he might have gone on a rant next. Not something truly valuable Renjun’s parents needed to hear.

They must already know their son was wonderful.

“I’m done. Let’s leave?” Renjun’s smile was small and Donghyuck wasn’t fooled. He saw the tears in his eyes, so, he reached out to hold his hand if just for a second.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The floor was perfectly smooth, well used, speaking of how many people had taken this way before them. Donghyuck relished in the fresh air outside.

Oh, wait. He hadn’t said goodbye. He hesitated to pick up his shoes where he had left them on the mat outside to finish.

‘It was nice meeting you. I hope you have a nice day and goodbye for now.’

“What is up with the weather?” Renjun muttered next to him when a sudden gust of wind ruffled their hair.

“Maybe a typhoon brewing!”

“In Seoul? Seems likely. They say ghosts can move the air. Maybe it was my parents giving us a blessing.”

Donghyuck hummed and let their hands brush against each other.

Some said people who had been ripped from life too early never found peace, doomed to haunt the earth as ghosts forever. You couldn’t be sure ghosts weren’t real, though Donghyuck was pretty sure they weren’t.

But he knew Renjun thought differently and here, at the temple, it was difficult to remember why he didn’t also think so.

“Let’s go have some boba, okay? I need sugar,” Renjun suggested and Donghyuck hummed.

“Yeah, my brain is slowly frying, I think. I need AC and ice cubes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, btw, I felt like pointing it out here: I have very basic understanding of how getting a law degree in Korea works bc it’s kida difficult to get information on it and I also just gave up after a bit of research and rolled with it. It’s not like this is a perfect reflection of real society anyway, so I hope you can cut me some slack with small inaccuracies. >.<

The room was cold. No one had turned up the heating even though it was February. It was to save heating costs, but if he wanted to sit down with the people from mechanic physics, it couldn’t stay like this, so he just discarded his notes before he went to turn up the thermostat.

Donghyuck took a moment to look out the window. It was grey and wet, not inviting at all. The bare trees offered no comfort.

It looked how he felt. New York in February was miserable.

At least he could maybe make friends with them. He missed having someone, a friend, to talk to. Every day, he missed it more.

They had offered to hang out after they had been talking during the lectures. He had said yes in a heartbeat, agreeing on the common room on the fifth floor.

It felt like this semester could be better than the fall semester when no one had even spoken a single word with him.

If only…

Donghyuck felt hot tears in his eyes and he tried to swallow them. He couldn’t think about it. It had been a one-time event. It would never happen again. He had apologised and promised not to get into his path again, not to provoke him, and he had said if he kept his word, he had nothing to fear.

Donghyuck didn’t use the showers closest to his room anymore. It’d be fine.

It’d be fine.

It’d be fine.

“So? Let’s get started!”

Donghyuck snapped around when he heard the door opening, people stepping inside.

No.

_He knew what would happen._

Cold fear ran down his back.

He had to leave.

They’d lock the door, take his clothes, hold him down, _he had to leave_ , but he was frozen by the window as one after another came in, fake smiles on their faces, blocking his way, leaving no route to flee.

No.

No.

“No! Please! Please don’t, please don’t!”

_“Hyuckie, hey, wake up, Hyuckie!”_

Someone was holding his arm, trying to restrict him, and Donghyuck lashed out.

“Let me go!”

_“Ouch.”_

He shouldn’t have done that. If he hit, they’d hit back.

Please…

Donghyuck tried to back away, but he hit the wall. He blinked around, but the room was dark and unfamiliar.

He couldn’t breathe.

He had to get away.

But why wasn’t he where he thought he was?

It hurt, his chest hurt as he tried to breathe. His skin crawled in fear and disgust. He was shivering.

_“Hyuckie, it’s me.”_

The voice didn’t fit. The language didn’t fit.

Who was this? Did he also plan to hurt him?

Donghyuck tried to see, but he couldn’t. Why couldn’t he see? He always could, even in the dark, he had good eyes. He was so scared. He couldn’t properly control his body. It was as though everything had frozen.

“Please, no.” He couldn’t. He wouldn’t survive it if they did this to him again. He couldn’t.

_“Hyuckie, it’s okay, I’m not doing anything. No one will.”_

They had tricked him and caught him off-guard. It was their way to hurt him even worse. His head started to swim.

_“It’s all safe, okay? It’s me, Mark. Do you remember me? I’m here, I’ll stay here, no one will get to hurt you. I will not hurt you.”_

Mark?

It took several second until Donghyuck finally had the name connected to a person.

Mark!

He realised he was gasping for air in tiny breaths. He couldn’t have taken big ones if he wanted, his lungs were tight and everything hurt, his entire body that was stiff to the point of shaking.

Why couldn’t he see? Why was he here? Where were _they_?

Donghyuck wanted to ask for help, but he couldn’t even speak, just tiny sobs coming out.

“I’ll sit down next to you now, okay? You’re not alone.”

He tried to nod, he wanted to reach out, but he still couldn’t move.

The bed dipped and he felt a shoulder against his own.

“It sucks, but I think these don’t last super long, okay? It’ll be over soon, I think. I’m here. Here. Feel. It’s Johnny-plushie, joining us.”

Donghyuck felt the texture of the fabric against his hands and immediately hooked his fingers into the toy, holding on tightly to ground himself as he slowly managed to unfreeze with Mark’s words bringing him back to reality.

“It’ll be okay, you’re not alone. We’re all safe in our wonderful shared room with the Taeyeon posters everywhere and the IKEA scent in the air.”

Right.

Right, Donghyuck remembered. They were in Seoul, far away, with his family, with their parents.

It was over, he was safe, Mark was here. Right.

He managed to calm his breathing, but he couldn’t do more without his reliever. He was able to slowly relax his body while Mark kept repeating similar phrases, reminding him all the time so he couldn’t forget.

Slowly, the room around him became clearer, the outline of Mark’s bed, messy, the closet, the plushie in his hands.

But everything still hurt, he was exhausted, every muscle aching.

As he calmed, tears collected in his eyes and Donghyuck couldn’t even think about holding them.

What had that been?

That had been _awful_. It had been similar to whenever they had hurt him, left him out of control, but no one had been here?

“Hyuckie, hey, it’s okay, it’ll be okay. Can I touch you?”

He slumped down, unable to support his own weight anymore. 

“Whoops, careful there, don’t hurt yourself.”

“I hurt you?”

He had scratched Mark when he had touched him before, but now he didn’t feel the need to protect himself, he could accept Mark gently helping him to lie down.

“It’s fine, just a small scratch. Sorry I just did stuff that made it worse. You know how Johnny-Hyung always needed to be touched as quickly as possible when he still had panic attacks. I just assumed.”

“’m sorry, Markie,” Donghyuck muttered. His arms were too tired to reach into his pocket, where he always had his reliever medication, but he needed it, so he stubbornly kept trying until he got it. Shaking was too much, though, he didn’t manage more than a sad wave with his hand before he had to rest.

“It’s fine. Let me shake that for you?”

Donghyuck nodded, just a tiny up and down, and Mark freed the inhalator from his fingers to give it a proper shake.

It immediately helped to open his chest and Donghyuck could finally collect his thoughts as everything became clearer once the right amount of oxygen reached his brain.

His muscles must be aching from having cramped up. That was never a nice feeling.

“I had a nightmare,” he muttered. It had been that. He had been in the community room again, even though that had been months ago. That was why he had known how it would end.

They had said they wanted to hang out, they had made him feel safe and like he could finally make some friends.

He had been so hopeful, so blind and naïve. He had been alone for half a year, struck with homesickness and loneliness. Worse. It had been two weeks after he had been raped in the showers by that guy, a bit drunk, a bit too confident. The wrong place and the wrong time for someone who was just a toy to a drunk college student.

He had almost desperately latched onto the first chance to find a way to be happy again.

And they had betrayed him.

The first time, they had just held him down in the community room, each taking their turn, gagging him so no one would ever know. They had told him he had asked for this, he deserved this, he was only here for this purpose.

The second time, they had said they’d tell the teachers, get him kicked out because he was only here for their entertainment anyway. He _had_ to do this, he was a Hybrid, meant for this.

It had sounded convincing and Donghyuck had feared nothing more than getting this one chance he had fought so hard for revoked. So, he had come to their room and been quiet, had only softly asked to be let go when it became too much and he couldn’t take it anymore.

It was what had been captured on that dreadful clip, spread on disgusting peoples’ phones even all the way to South Korea.

But Donghyuck hadn’t known that. So he had complied each time after when they had threatened to spread it if he didn’t follow their wishes.

He could have spared himself, but he hadn’t known. He had been too trusting even after everything that had already happened.

“Okay. Can I help you somehow? Do you want me to get dad? Or mom? Turn on some light?”

“No, I don’t think.” Donghyuck didn’t want to wake them up.

A panic attack? Had it been that? It had felt gruesome, awful, excruciating. Donghyuck really didn’t want a repeat of that.

What could help him?

“I… wanna sleep. I’m so tired. But not alone?” Donghyuck wasn’t even able to properly keep his eyes open anymore.

“Wait, your bed pulls out, let me do that, okay?”

Donghyuck sniffled, “Thank you.”

It rattled a bit, then Mark got his blankets and pillows. By the time he laid down, Donghyuck’s body was heavy with sleep, on the brink of passing out, but the fear was still in his stomach like lead, keeping him on the brink between aware and unconscious.

He reached out and hooked his hand into Mark’s shirt, just to feel him near.

He’d keep him safe – of real and imaginary demons.

Donghyuck woke with the first alarm.

His body was sore and tired even after just waking up and the memories from last night were immediately back in the front of his head.

He wanted to go back to sleep.

Or back in time.

Mark grunted and started to search for his phone to turn the noise off, but it was on the other nightstand, so he couldn’t reach it until getting half-up.

Donghyuck immediately noticed the angry red streaks, freshly scabbed over, that ran down his entire right arm and guilt shot through him.

He had not even recognised Mark last night.

It had been terrifying!

Mark flopped back onto his side of the bed and Donghyuck wiggled over the mattress until he could curl up against his un-damaged arm.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Tears choked him up because the damage couldn’t be undone and he wished there was a way it could be.

“Don’t sweat it, it’s nothing,” Mark muttered, voice still drowsy from sleep, “Shit happens and I’m rather glad I woke up so I could be there for you.”

Donghyuck nodded and still tightened his grip. Just in case. As if Mark would go anywhere.

He must have dozed off again and so did Mark until the next alarm woke them back up, only for the cycle to repeat itself until there was a knock on the door.

“Boys, we’ll have breakfast in five minutes, get up, please.”

Minjun listened attentively to Mark’s and Donghyuck short summary of the last night. Over soup and rice, it didn’t feel as terrifying as it had been anymore. Still, Donghyuck would rather never have a repeat, ever.

“Just very basically speaking, it does tick the boxes of a panic attack, we can refer it as such.”

This meant Donghyuck at least had a word, but he also found out there was no way of telling if it would repeat itself.

So that was fun.

“It might be stress due to the hearings?”

Too bad no one knew how long hearings would carry on. They didn’t even yet have a date for those in the US – if they’d ever take place.

“I’d be beneficial if you’d take your mind off things today. There’s nothing you can do to change their course right now.”

So, with that suggestion, Donghyuck invited himself over to Cheongdam because what better place to be on a Monday of needing sufficient distraction from everything?

Donghyuck didn’t know a better place. After all, this was called Heaven – a safe place. Taeil and Jungwoo had made it nothing less.

But Donghyuck didn’t want to dwell in self-pity all day. He had goals to achieve.

If he had no way of knowing why he had had that panic attack, he was going to put that aside and not worry about it anymore. Donghyuck knew changing the world wasn’t easy, so he didn’t crumble and falter under the small step back, he picked up the pieces and carried on!

“I do like your opening and your motivations are executed very well in here, but something is missing,” Doyoung muttered and looked up from the print-out of Donghyuck’s applications. He was in a button-up for work. He’d have to leave in 20 minutes, but he had still taken the time to do this for him, so Donghyuck wasn’t going to make fun of it.

Even though it looked stiff and snobbish and he really wanted to make fun of it.

“Why physics out of everything? You went on why you wanted to learn and study, you also have your grades covered in here, where you want to go after, which is law, but why does it have to be physics now? Why not anything else? If I were a professor, I’d want my students to burn for my field of studies rather than just using me as a pass-through for other things.”

Donghyuck nibbled on his lower lip.

“But I kinda do that.”

Doyoung chuckled, “Well, duh, but there’s still a reason why you want it to be physics, isn’t there? You could have applied for social studies or Korean studies or philosophy or politics, something that is closer connected to law, but you take physics. Tell them why; it might make the difference.”

It might make the difference…

Donghyuck needed everything that could make the difference!

“But it’s because of you and because of Ten-Hyung! Can I just write that? That I needed someone to push me to the level for college and those people were you? And that I don’t want to do something more similar because I just… want to prove I can do everything? Not just me, Hybrids in general?”

Doyoung had folded his hands and rested his head on them, brows furrowed in thought.

“You’re ambitions. That’s not bad. It can mean you work harder because of your intrinsic motivations. Having someone else influence what you enjoy is also not that uncommon. Many people follow role models they aspire to become, so Ten and me happening to push you the direction of physics just because we both have a fascination for it doesn’t mean you don’t have that or it’s less valuable.”

“Aw, you just wanted to be my role model, you could have said so!” Donghyuck purred obnoxiously and Doyoung tugged on his ear.

“The only one I need to see me as a role model is Jeno, my sweet angel!”

Donghyuck snorted loudly.

Obviously, it was really cute that Jeno wasn’t only idolising Doyoung.

He had said it jokingly, but it wasn’t even an exaggeration. He just pretended because it was easy to get a rise out of Doyoung and that was fun. Doyoung _was_ his role model, as was Ten. There were many people to look up to here, each for their own reasons.

“I’ll add that then. Thank you for the tip, Hyung.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll keep my fingers crossed you’ll get a chance. Also, I’ve been to KU’s library before when Jungwoo-Hyung took me a few times when he was still a student, but if you do get into Yonsei, which is obviously the better uni anyway, do you think you could take me?” Doyoung tried to be nonchalant, but the gleam in his eyes gave him away.

“At the exponentially tiny chance I will, sure thing!”

Somehow, the idea of taking someone to the uni’s library was really…

Exciting.

Donghyuck wanted to do it.

Just because he could.

Now he only had to get access himself.

Once Doyoung had to leave, Donghyuck found Guanheng in the living room. Organising a ‘spontaneous’ meeting in front of a court meeting was a lot of work, Donghyuck remembered all too well. Back then, when they had first done it, they had even had to fold their own flyers – at least the high school groups nowadays could use their time on more important tasks.

Donghyuck looked over his shoulder when Guanheng scrolled down the list of attendees.

He had to keep going and going, page after page showing up, each full of people.

Donghyuck felt a tiny bit sick seeing just how many currently were signed up because it could still turn out they’d blame him and it might become a nightmare from start to finish. They were at court to find the truth, after all.

Maybe the truth was that Donghyuck had overreacted and they were innocent.

But he knew the exposure was important. Good or bad ending, if people would talk about them, they could make it beneficial. There was no bad PR.

He meant it when he said he’d go down with this if he had to.

“That’s it,” Guanheng muttered and looked up.

“That’s a lot,” Donghyuck returned, still catching up.

“Yeah. There are. The youngest generations are usually the ones to be the most open and change their minds easiest, right?”

Donghyuck hummed. He felt very sick, also a bit short of breath… He needed a distraction or he’d spiral himself into some wonderful anxieties he didn’t need.

So, he helped Taeyong cook.

“By the way, Yuta took a bottle of water recently and nearly spat it all over the table because it was so sour. You don’t happen to know anything about that, do you?”

“No. Me? Never!”

He helped Jeno clean.

He went to annoy Ten.

Whatever he could find.

But all the distraction and fun and positivity weren’t enough.

Donghyuck woke up from nightmares, how he still did so many nights, but worse. He was coughing and shaking and crying because it had been so much, so scary, so overwhelming.

It surely was the stress, he tried to remind himself. It’d get better once this was over. He had to be strong, he wanted this, he wanted them to get what they deserved.

If this was what it took, then so be it!

Still, when the alarm rang and Mark stirred where Donghyuck had had him in a death hold ever since coming to his senses with his help, it took Donghyuck’s all to force his eyes open and sit up.

Breakfast felt like a chore to get done, like the calm before the storm you knew would inevitably hit and you feared for the destruction it would bring.

If Donghyuck usually had the tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, and forest fire in his head under control, today they were running rampant, hurling him around without any way of stopping it.

“And the aeroplane is ready for landing, we’re approaching our final destination.” His eyes flitted between the spoon in their mum’s hand and her face, trying to judge if she was being serious.

She was.

He knew it was bad to skip meals, he knew he’d get weak if he didn’t eat and it wouldn’t benefit him if he fainted in the witness stand.

Donghyuck opened his mouth when she had done one circle because of ‘bad weather not allowing for landing’.

It didn’t help much.

He felt even sicker after breakfast and wished he had refused to eat how he had so many times over the last days.

It was like lead in his stomach.

His button-up seemed unbearably tight and stiff. 

Everything hurt, his chest, his head, his stomach.

His anxiety was so bad his fingers wouldn’t stop shaking as he texted Renjun, who kept sending him comforting messages, or Guanheng, who had a million selfies for him, one more ridiculous than the next, or Jaemin, who brought out the memes for the occasion, or Taeyong, who asked if he had eaten.

Every one made sure he was keeping it together. Because of their support, he managed to somewhat remain functional.

But he was looking forward to this being over as soon as possible.

The court was the same where the hearings for Ten and Xiaojun’s trial had taken place, right next to a beautiful park that was at its peak this time of the year. 

And the park was crowded. People, so many people, in green t-shirts. Donghyuck tried to take count, but it was impossible with everyone mixing and moving. He got lost, but it could easily be a thousand!

A thousand people!

“Look, you have a lot of support!” Haneul stated the obvious and Donghyuck slowly nodded, trying to comprehend.

What if…

No. No, it was worth it if they managed to get more attention!

A small sacrifice to make.

He tried to walk upright and confidently when they exited the taxi. Some people noticed him, but they didn’t do anything to greet him. Donghyuck had asked them to not get closer and potentially relight the rumours about this case having been planned and executed by the Union.

He was glad they stayed back because he was on the brink of losing his countenance from anxiety suffocating him without mercy. One added uncertain variable, such as a picture with any of them, and it’d overwhelm him.

If only it was already over.

Still, there were so many people, he had to take a second to look at the crowd.

There were Hybrids, too. Not only the ones he knew; strange faces were also among them, some older, looking every part that of the presentable nanny people might want to buy, but they were here because they knew they could be more if they wanted to be.

It was incredible.

To the point that Donghyuck wondered if the police would force them to disband since it very much looked like this had been planned and not spontaneously happened.

Which it had and wasn’t exactly allowed.

At the same time, he felt hot shame burn all over his skin. He knew it wasn’t his fault. He had not asked for it and he had not given consent.

But they still could have seen him and that alone was enough to make him want to curl up and hide because he was so ashamed. It was a feeling almost impossible to combat, more difficult to chase away than any of his anxiety.

Because there was no delete button. Those who had seen the video had seen him in that vulnerable position.

They could even say Donghyuck had enjoyed putting himself there and it was difficult to argue with that because he had no proof.

It still felt like no one believed him even though so many had come because they did.

“Hey!”

Donghyuck turned away from the people who were silently standing to the side, no banners, no chanting, not even the logos on their t-shirts or flyers to be handed out, to minimise the chances of getting penalised and missing this opportunity.

Johnny smiled and seeing him let Donghyuck tense up again.

The shame was nagging, annoying, tiring him. Again, there was no delete button.

He still wished Johnny wouldn’t be here as a witness with him, but he was.

He wished he could focus on feeling almost overwhelmed with joy seeing this many people show up to support him, but he couldn’t.

He wished he could feel confident they’d find justice and his name would be redeemed through the judge ruling in his favour, but he couldn’t.

He wished he could remember the list of tips Xiaojun had given him to get through this, but he couldn’t.

How did this work?

He had been practising this and it had gotten better, why was it worse now, now that he really needed to be confident and unapologetic?

Yes, he felt hopeful – but only a tiny little bit. The flame he needed to hold his head high was just a spark.

Okay.

It was okay.

At least he had a spark, he could work with this. There was no use in punishing himself further, Donghyuck gently reminded himself.

He used Johnny to hide behind when he spotted a few photographers and journalists from news stations.

He should have answered their yelled questions of whether this was set up, a scam, a fake, just for attention.

Not only was he too scared to, but he was also too furious to.

He wanted to scream at them whether they thought this was _funny_ , if _they_ wanted to be scared of their own family, hate their own body for being perceived as seductive when it was not, if they’d maybe want a video of themselves out there or wake up every night from having to re-live the horror of being stripped of everything – clothes, honour, and voice.

He couldn’t do that, it’d hurt their, and his own, reputation worse than any attention could make up for. He had to attend to his spark to turn it into a flame. He needed his energy for later, that was much more important than any hastily answered question to be printed on page 1,000,000 in font size 9 could ever be.

He clung to Johnny’s shirt and hid his face from view as well as possible.

Johnny knew, of course, he knew, and he walked in a way that blocked nosy eyes, guiding him, and keeping him safe, Mark right behind Donghyuck, covering where Johnny could not, keeping him as safe as possible in this situation.

They were here for him and that was the only reason why Donghyuck managed to take the stairs.

To get access to the rooms where only those involved with the case were allowed, they had to identify themselves. They weren’t the only ones who had to do so. Everyone did and everyone had been appointed to come at the same time. A small queue had built, ending just inside where they were at least protected from the general public and reporters. 

When the guy in front of them turned, Donghyuck jerked backwards, right into Mark.

 _He_?

Why was he here, with the witnesses?

Why was he not among those held in police custody until proven either guilty or innocent?

Right, he had _only watched_.

He had seen, had probably enjoyed it.

Worse.

He was in charge of other Hybrids, who were forced into prostitution against their will, he was hurting them. At least emotionally, but maybe he also did so physically, how Xiaojun, Sicheng, and Ten had been hurt.

Donghyuck had not an ounce of sympathy for him.

He would never give a person like this the benefit of the doubt. He did not deserve it!

He was a disgusting and despicable human being, the worst type, irredeemable in Donghyuck’s eyes, yet he couldn’t even grasp a proper thought because the fear and shame paralysed him.

A smirk tugged on the corners of the stranger’s mouth and he let his eyes drag over Donghyuck’s body as if he was trying to see through his clothes.

He probably got a rise out of his reaction, enjoyed that he had this kind of power over Donghyuck.

He wished he could ruin that for him, he didn’t want to give him any satisfaction, not even a second of it!

But he couldn’t until Johnny pushed himself between Donghyuck and the guy.

“Is there a problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

Donghyuck tried to breathe slowly. Xiaojun had said it could be like this, that he’d get terrified looking at them and everything could come back like a wave crushing him.

It was okay, it was over, he was here to get justice and never have to see his ugly face ever again.

“Good. You looked like you had one, but if you don’t there’s no need to give anyone lewd looks, is there?”

Yes, there was not! He deserved to be called out for being gross and inappropriate!

“Oh, did I? There wasn’t anything worth looking at, was there?”

Donghyuck knew he was pushing it, he wanted a reaction to satisfy whatever disgusting urges he had. He couldn’t allow it to get to him, he had to ignore it even if it was almost unbearable.

Johnny turned his back to the man and they kept waiting in silence, the queue moving reasonably fast.

Quickly, before it was too late, Donghyuck pulled his phone out and re-read the message Renjun had sent him earlier once more.

 _[from: Renjun ☆]_ _I wish you a lot of strength, courage, positivity, and luck for today. I believe in you and I love you <3_

It was like he felt Renjun’s hug through reading his words, giving him the strength, courage, positivity and luck he needed for his hearing.

He could get through this!

Johnny didn’t let him even see another sliver of the man in front of them.

Donghyuck tried to not spare him another thought. He didn’t need any disgusting criminals living in his head rent-free!

Getting their badges felt entirely different from what it was like at Kwon and Park defendants. There, the badge made him feel stronger and more important. Here, it felt like a weight on his belt. At the office, there was only a number on it and his name; it was no different than a human’s. Here, there was a red stamp ‘Hybrid’ under the title ‘witness’. Like in his passport, as if anyone would mistake him for anything else, they just had to broaden the different wherever they could and it made him angry.

That wasn’t all that ruined his mood.

They got separated. Mark and Haneul were the plaintiffs in this case. As such, they’d be in the room from the moment the hearings opened on and Mark would give his statement first.

Johnny and Donghyuck had to wait until it was their turn, so they couldn’t hear what the others would say and be influenced. If they had plans to lie, it’d become obvious as it was much more likely they’d stumble over details and everyone in the room would realise their statements were false. Of course, Donghyuck knew how that went, how it worked, and why they did it like this.

But he wasn’t happy that he was just a witness at his own rape trial.

At least he didn’t have to wait alone. He didn’t even move a breath away from Johnny’s side as the officers led them down a long hall until they reached where they’d be anticipating their turns.

It was a simple room with magazines and chairs.

_That wasn’t the problem._

Donghyuck wanted to scream, turn, and run when he realised who else was to give witness and thus was waiting here. All those people who had watched, three humans and two dog Hybrids, the one Johnny had tried so hard to protect him from included.

Normally, the victim wouldn’t have to go through this. Normally, they’d be in the place Mark and Haneul were taking. They’d not be forced together into the same waiting room as the defending party, those that had hurt them.

It was unfair! It was mean!

Imagine if he was as terribly traumatised as Xiaojun, unable to even look at his abusers!

But even for Donghyuck, this was a lot. A closed room, albeit one carefully guarded, full of those who had found joy in watching him get raped.

His legs just stopped working. His body told him this was insanity, he had no place in there and he had to turn and run. That was the only reasonable course of action right now and he would have loved to do that.

“Come on, I’m here with you,” Johnny whispered and gently patted his back.

Right.

At the very least, Donghyuck was the first witness, so he wouldn’t have to be alone with these others. He wasn’t sure he could have handled that even though there were guards. Just knowing what they did to earn money, how they abused Hybrids for their gain, and how they had done nothing to help him, on the contrary, was too much right now.

Donghyuck wished he had not eaten breakfast because he felt sick to the stomach as he slowly took the first step inside. He didn’t know how to even get through this. He tried to keep his breathing even. He needed a distraction, something, anything, or he’d lose his mind.

The dog Hybrids!

They were somewhat safe!

Donghyuck tried to ignore the humans and focused his thoughts on them, giving them short glances before looking away again.

They were supposed to be scary, staring ahead of themselves with blank gazes, expecting orders to blindly follow. Donghyuck wasn’t scared of them, just of what humans who made them into this. They didn’t know, they weren’t to blame for their wrong-doings if they did any. They were victims as well.

Unfortunately, that made Donghyuck even more aware of their owners’ cruelty – and let him stick even closer to Johnny. He only dared to sit down on the edge of his seat, nerves and fear buzzing under his skin, ears ringing. He knew it wouldn’t get better, he had to get through this, cling to the knowledge it would be over eventually.

He didn’t even have his phone to read through Renjun’s message one more time.

He tried to recall it and gain strength from it.

He knew Renjun was close, just outside, helping to change the world for him and those like him.

Changing the world was never easy, Donghyuck was painfully aware of that at this moment.

Some of the men gave him short glances, but they were more interested in Johnny, eying him up and down without even trying to be subtle. They might be judging why he was here, how he had become part of a normal family when Hybrids descending from attack dogs, like Johnny was, weren’t for sale at a regular Hybrid shop. Keeping them wasn’t illegal, but they were most popular with those not caring about the law – or even intentionally breaking it.

Donghyuck knew Johnny hated that, hated that people thought he was dangerous with just one look at him. Donghyuck gently nudged a finger into his thigh, hoping to give him a bit of support in return for what Johnny was giving him. Johnny was taking their attention off him, making it a tiny bit easier to breathe. Donghyuck was grateful, but, after all, he wasn’t the first one in this family who had suffered a panic attack.

Johnny was.

His fate was so much harder and he was unable to ever escape the stereotype, it followed him wherever he went.

But it also didn’t compare – neither the crimes done to them, nor the stereotypes, so Donghyuck let that thought go. It wasn’t helpful, so it didn’t get to stay. Patt patt.

Donghyuck focused on being grateful that a tall older brother with a certain fur-pattern was enough to spare him more hungry gazes and even more grateful knowing that Johnny would do this for him in a heartbeat.

No one had told them how long it would take. No one had known.

It depended on how long it’d take Mark to give his statement, how many questions the defence lawyers had for Mark, and how many the judge had. It then depended on how long the defence would be, how many questions would be asked – and so on.

Every other minute, Donghyuck looked up at the clock on the wall, only to see just two minutes had passed. Then, he quickly turned his eyes back to his hands. Xiaojun had recommended to not look at them, ‘the monsters’ as he found more and more fitting, if he was scared. He needed his energy for other things.

His hands were slowly getting tan, too, the insides notably paler than the backs. On the inside of his wrist was a smiley that Jeno had drawn there with a permanent marker.

Donghyuck rubbed over it and then recalled Renjun’s text again.

Then he checked the time once more. Just in case it had passed faster – which it had not.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

The bulky bulldog Hybrid had gotten up and circled the room once. When he passed in front of them, Johnny tensed up, but he didn’t even hesitate, he just kept walking and sat back down.

Donghyuck looked over to them and let his eyes linger for a second longer this time. They both had spikes on their collars. He had once worn one at the shop just to try it, but he had felt uncomfortable and weird with the heavy weight around his throat. One didn’t even have a tag. They probably hadn’t bothered to register him. Not like there would be benefits from it if he was already in their hands.

The other one, the bulky bulldog, kept looking to the door while the other was lost in his state of perfect obedience. His eyebrows were slightly raised in worry and Donghyuck wondered if he was scared? Or maybe this one belonged to the man who had touched him. He might be waiting for him to return, he might be worried about his owner.

Donghyuck couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t know this was wrong. Maybe he had an inkling – but what should he do? He couldn’t speak up against his owner! He was perfectly dependant on that man and, worse, he probably didn’t realise there could be a better life.

They might be on the other side now, but Donghyuck was fighting for them, too, he was fighting for their rights, too.

When he checked the time again, four minutes had passed and before he could even consider where to look next, the door was opened by an officer.

“Donghyuck?” he asked.

Donghyuck nearly cut in to add the family name, but his anxiousness had slammed in at full force and rendered him unable to. It wasn’t so important right now. Maybe he’d ask for it later.

Now, he had to give his statement to find justice for what they had done to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more, I am telling you I have no idea about SK courts, barely about my own country’s. I’m making things up as I need them for the plot, thank you for your attention.

Xiaojun had been right.

Walking down the small path between the benches for spectators was awful.

It wasn’t a public case, not how theirs had been, so the benches were empty, but that only made it worse because he walked up to the only people in the room.

Mrs Jung was on his right, together with Mark and Haneul.

On the left were a stranger and _that person_.

In front of him was the judge, next to him the transcript writer. A few policemen stood ready to step in if anyone caused trouble.

Maybe he shouldn’t have looked around?

Too late now.

He was shown to a small desk in the middle.

All eyes were on him.

He was right in the centre.

His heart was racing and his chest tight, his ears ringing. The fear made his tongue like lead in his mouth and his stomach turn. He tried to calm his hurried breathing, he tried to recall what he had planned to say to be taken seriously, but he didn’t remember.

“So, your name is Donghyuck?” The judge asked. He stared him down from where he sat, elevated at the end of the room.

Was this good? Or bad? Did he think he was guilty?

“Yes,” he returned, but his voice came out small and insecure, how he knew he couldn’t sound if he wanted to make a good impression. They’d think he was trying to get sympathy.

Of course, he also couldn’t be too confident or they’d think he was cocky and arrogant.

There was a small middle ground he had planned to walk, but he was already failing within the first minute.

Donghyuck wished it was over. He wanted nothing more but for this to be over. He felt sick. He felt that person’s eyes on him. He couldn’t focus on the moment. The situation in which he had gone ignored and been abused at his hands replayed in his head just because he was here.

“Born June 6th 2000 in Seoul. Owned by Lee Haneul since 2014?”

“Yes.” Once more, his voice failed him. He tried to remain upright, but he wanted to shrink under the scrutinising gazes. His head felt like it was splitting as he was whipped back and forth between the courtroom and the street in Gangnam.

How had Ten and Xiaojun done this?

Why couldn’t he?

Why was he so weak?

Why was he failing at this when he _knew_ how important it was?

“So, please retell what happened on the evening of the 23rd June 2019 from your point of view.”

That day.

That evening.

His rape, which was why he was here.

Donghyuck tried to remember what he had wanted to say, but he came up blank.

What had happened?

How had he ended up there?

“I…”

He had been with Renjun, then he had gotten pushed against the wall. It felt like he was pushed against the wall again, the memory so vivid, he saw the street around himself for a second rather than the courtroom.

What was happening?

Why couldn’t he speak?

The room seemed to blur around him and his body temperature rose until it felt like his brain was going to implode.

“Please, we don’t have all day. If you’re trying to come up with some story, it won’t fly anyway.”

“N-no, I’m sorry.” Donghyuck felt tears in his eyes.

Why?

Why couldn’t he do this?

He had to!

Everything depended on this!

“You are aware the allegations against Mr Heo are severe? If you made them up, this will fall back onto you and your owners!”

“I d-didn’t!”

How?

How should he make this up?

But Donghyuck didn’t know how to speak, how to express anything.

He looked over to where the man sat, the one who had done this to him.

The grin on his face was clear enough that Donghyuck could see it through his tears and then he felt the first fall.

“This is useless. This is why I don’t want Hybrids as witnesses, they’re just much too emotional. Nevermind they always lie for their owners. Can’t think for themselves. The witness is to leave and calm down. We are going to hear Mr Son next. If the cat can’t keep it together, he will be excluded as we cannot expect a trustworthy testimony.”

_Excluded._

Because he wasn’t able to be strong.

Donghyuck’s head was pulsing in pain. He tried to pull himself together, but it was all crashing down. The hurricane, tsunami, earthquake, and forest fire were back, raging and pushing Donghyuck around, completely out of control.

“Excuse me, I agree with giving our witness time to calm down from this very overwhelming situation, but on what base are you trying to get him excluded? You are free to have a personal opinion, but it is never to mix with making a fair and lawful ruling!”

“Get up, kiddo, I’ll show you out,” someone spoke to him from the side.

Donghyuck blindly scrambled to his feet, hearing Mrs Jung behind him fight for him while he ruined everything.

He was such a failure.

Unable to even do this when it was crucial.

He was the only one to blame for this. If they’d rule the man was innocent, it would be _his_ fault.

“There, there. Would you like a tissue? It’ll be fine.”

Donghyuck shook his head. It wouldn’t be fine at all!

“Alright. Was your name Donghyuck? We’ll go and sit down in a nice and quiet room while they carry on.”

Donghyuck was handed a tissue and tried to dry his tears – but it was a futile effort.

It was quiet and he was alone with the court officer.

At least there were none of _the men_ here, but there was also no Johnny, no Mark, no parents, no Renjun, no Jaemin, no one.

Donghyuck tried to do a breathing exercise. In and out, 1,2,3,4 and repeat.

The officer who had accompanied him didn’t say anything. She gave him space and quiet while doing her job.

It was embarrassing.

He didn’t even know how he should explain this. No one had even said or asked anything yet, he had just been there and already been too weak to give the statement and testimony he had to.

He’d become a laughing stock, they’d write more mean articles because they’d say he had made it up and he had just cried in hopes of anyone believing his lies when Donghyuck knew it was nothing but the truth!

“Have another tissue, Donghyuck. Mr Ahn isn’t known to be nice. This isn’t the first time it happened. I bet your lawyer already told you about him, didn’t she?”

Donghyuck sniffed loudly.

“No.”

“No? Ah, I guess she didn’t want to scare you. Take a sip.” He was handed a fresh bottle of water. Donghyuck didn’t think about it, he just twisted it open. Taking a few sips actually helped him calm down and feel more normal again.

“It’s not been long since Hybrids were even allowed as regular witnesses and not just a rare exception if they were directly involved. I’m sure you know about that case against the brothel owners in 2017? It was held here!”

“The Moon case?” Donghyuck whispered.

“Yeah, that’s what they call it now. After that, it became a regular practice and no more than humans have trouble when giving witness. It’s normal if you were hurt. Don’t be discouraged. It’s a very difficult thing to ask of anyone.”

Donghyuck nodded again.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Most of us work this job because we want to see the bad people face consequences for their actions and protect those who need it.”

“What if… it fails? Because it does. Often.”

He glanced up from the wet tissue.

“I know. The world isn’t the place I wished it was. There are options, though. You can appeal or go into revision and try again. I won’t say the truth will always win. It doesn’t, unfortunately, but it does more times than it does not. You always have to get up one more time than you are knocked down.”

And never give up. Right. Donghyuck closed his fingers into fists and blinked away the last tears.

He had to do this to get justice. There was no option B here.

He wished he knew how to find his confidence, but he didn’t.

If he had to do this on determination alone, he had to at least try. He had gotten through half a year of college on nothing but the remaining willpower he had had. He could do that again, right?

He _had_ to.

“Should I let them know you’re ready to try again?”

“Yes, please!”

The path down to the witness stand was not less terrifying the second time.

This time, though, Donghyuck only focussed on the judge, how Xiaojun had recommended to do. Some witnesses were sitting on the side after they had already spoken, but he couldn’t let himself be distracted. Just walking took all his strength right now.

He had to get it over with!

He remembered what had happened, he remembered what order to re-tell it in, and no new tears interrupted him this time.

He started with walking through Gangnam aimlessly after a fight and being upset.

He said how he had been addressed by the accused, said he had not thought anything bad but stopped to talk to him, only to be immediately grabbed and pushed into the wall, resulting in the concussion he had suffered.

No matter how difficult, he retold the details of how he had been touched and how he had disagreed with all of it, never giving consent.

It never became easier, but he knew he had to do this.

All ended with Mark and Johnny showing up and taking him home.

Still, he struggled to keep his head in the present.

When the defence lawyer asked questions, Donghyuck kept slipping back out of it, struggling to reply coherently.

Like he was having a nightmare despite being wide awake.

Yes, he had worn a red t-shirt.

_He could taste the summer air of June._

Yes, he had walked into that street out of his free will, but he had not known where he had been headed.

_He could hear the noises of Gangnam’s late evening._

No, he did not realise he had to always watch out where he went.

 _The lawyer was speaking but it was like it was_ his _voice, mocking him and telling him he needed to be tamed._

Yes, the concussion had been mild and the scarring was well-hidden.

_His head hurt like he had been knocked against the wall seconds ago._

No, it did not change his value much. A hidden scar would not affect it, Haneul was pressing for charges this high despite her asset had not having depreciated by much.

_He could feel the grip on his wrists, the leg blocking his own from kicking; he felt restrained and like he was unable to move despite freely sitting on a chair._

No, he had not called for help explicitly.

_It was like hands were on his body, in all the places he had not wanted them, still did not want them._

No, he did not know why no one had heard and come to his rescue earlier, but he swore he had said ‘no’ unmistakably, had even fought as much as he had been able to.

So, that made it okay, the lawyer said.

That justified it, the lawyer said.

He had made it okay, he should have done more, why had he put himself into that situation and asked for that?

Everything was spinning, nothing felt real anymore.

Donghyuck stared at the tiled floor of the court’s bathroom.

He should have not had breakfast or he might have not thrown up.

Not like it mattered.

Crying Hybrids who were unable to give straight answers and lied anyway.

Excluded.

He had been **excluded**.

Donghyuck was numb and hurt at the same time.

He just wanted someone to be here with him, but he was alone, just a guard silently standing by the basins and waiting for him to do something.

He was not allowed to leave.

Johnny, Mark, and their mum were not allowed to come and see him.

If only the day could finally end.

Please.

Donghyuck had no energy left.

His body kept trembling in the chair he had sat down in to wait.

“Kiddo, anything we can do for you? You look like you’ll pass out.”

Donghyuck glanced at the officer. It was a different one. He seemed nice, but he couldn’t trust anyone. They’d hurt him.

Like the judge who thought he was just an annoying pest, maybe a pretty little pet at best, unable to think for himself.

He felt so stupid because of that man’s words.

Words hurt.

“Is there anyone allowed in we could, you know, seat with you here?” The man smiled, but Donghyuck didn’t have it in himself to return the gesture.

“No,” he whispered because not even Minjun had been allowed. 

He wished there was someone to just hug.

He wished there was someone to tell him it was okay, he had tried and giving his best was all anyone could ask of him, it wasn’t pathetic to be unable to give witness in front of his abuser.

There was no one.

No matter how many times Donghyuck tried to tell himself these words he needed to hear, they didn’t stick.

Time ticked by slowly, stretching on forever.

Donghyuck had no idea how much longer it would be.

He ate the chocolate he was given and it eased his trembling a little.

He wanted to go home.

He couldn’t do this, after all. If they’d keep walking around Seoul forever, he didn’t care anymore, he just wanted it to be over.

Everything hurt.

It was useless.

They would justify it.

He had brought this upon himself and it wasn’t even as bad as he made it out to be. He was overreacting. He had to suck it up.

That was all that circled his mind for hours until he felt like he could never smile again.

It _hurt._

When the door was ripped open, Donghyuck slowly raised his head as several people came bursting inside.

“Hyuckie!”

Mark was the first one by his side but Donghyuck couldn’t hug him back. He needed to know what had been decided – if at all.

He wanted it to be over, please, please, _please_.

He couldn’t take another day of this.

“We’ll be going to appeal the verdict,” Mrs Jung said and Haneul nodded.

That man had not been found guilty.

They thought he was innocent.

That Donghyuck was making this up, overreacting, causing a scene for attention.

He had thought he had been prepared.

He had not been prepared. It was like a stab to his heart, ice down his back, everything cramping up.

He just broke, sobs ripping through his body as Mark hugged him silently.

He was shaking again as he cried because he had no energy left, he couldn’t even hold himself upright anymore.

He had messed up, he had messed up _his_ plan, had ruined _his_ wish and _his_ future.

The realisation hurt more than a hug could soothe.

Everyone would think he had made it up for attention.

They’d spread his video for fun until everyone would have seen it.

He didn’t need to bother sending any applications to universities.

All because he had not been able to properly say what he knew he had happened, all because he had been so pathetically useless!

He remembered how Mark and Johnny had led him back outside exactly how they had come.

He didn’t remember much else.

It was just a blur of tears and pain and misery.

He didn’t even bother taking his clothes off when they were finally home after what had felt like the longest day in his life, just his trousers because they’d get too wrinkly and couldn’t be washed in the machine.

It wasn’t just the longest day.

No, it wasn’t the worst; the worst days had been the ones when the group of people he had thought would become his friends had abused him. It followed after those days of pure anguish, just a bit better because at least he now had people around him he could trust.

It didn’t change the facts: the court of Gangnam had handed out charges for minor bodily injury without impairment of value caused to the cat Hybrid of Lee Haneul, giving the offender a fine of 5,000,000 won as suggested by the Hybrid annexe endorsed by the South Korean government.

Donghyuck pulled his blanket over his head and closed his eyes.

Maybe he’d get over this, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know how, he felt not okay at all and like he never would ever again.

He just wanted to sleep and wake up to being happy, being himself, no longer having to doubt if he was a victim, finding justice, getting rights.

But he knew he would not.

He’d still be a Hybrid, inferior to humans in the eyes of the law and the general public. He’d still have been raped, his video would still be out there, he’d still have failed to properly defend himself, and his rapist would still only have been charged with some bullshit bodily injury offence.

People would think he was a liar and none of his sufferings be taken seriously.

He’d never get another chance to get an education, he’d never become a lawyer.

The night was restless, haunted by his demons, making him wake up several times when he just wished it would be over but it wasn’t. His head had no switch to turn it off, it kept torturing him to the point that he felt like he was losing his mind.

When he woke up in the morning, he was sandwiched between Johnny and Mark, reminiscent how it had also been back at Heaven.

He was still in his button-up that was completely ruined for wear.

His stomach hurt from hunger, but he felt too sick to even think about food.

Everything still hurt.

His head.

His chest.

 _That man had not even gotten a charge for sexual assault, much less rape_ , was the first thing on his mind.

He had asked for it, that justified his behaviour, was the second.

As if.

As if anyone would want this!

Donghyuck tried to curl up and go back to sleep to escape this cruel world.

When Johnny got up, Donghyuck refused to come with him.

When Mark got up, Donghyuck refused to come with him.

He just hid under the blanket because it was the only way to deal with the reality he was forced to live.

Their mum came with breakfast and Donghyuck broke into new tears after the first spoon of rice, salty drops landing in the bowl.

He should have been braver and more confident, he should have not ruined this, it was his fault.

He held onto her when she hugged him, stroking over his head and whispering it would be okay.

Would it?

It didn’t feel like it would.

It felt like his life was over and he had no one but himself to blame.

He stayed in bed.

Why should he get up?

There was no reason to.

“Donghyuckie, how about you get up and get dressed and we can cook some nice lunch?”

Donghyuck shook his head and nuzzled tighter into his pillows.

“Hyuckie, wanna get up and look at the photos I took in Suwon three days ago? The trees around the fortress really made for a beautiful background!”

Donghyuck declined and hid under the blanket again.

No one would see his seductive body, he wouldn’t have to see anyone he had disappointed with his failure.

Why should he ever get back up? There was absolutely nothing he was missing.

He went in and out of sleep, always woken by nightmares until he felt even more exhausted than he had originally woken up.

What a miserable life.

But he had brought it upon himself, he knew that even as Mark gave up trying to lure him out of bed and just laid down with him.

He had brought lunch, but Donghyuck couldn’t eat more than a bit of plain rice. Even for that, he didn’t bother sitting up anymore.

The second he tried to think, everything crashed down on him again. All the mistakes he had made that had led to him being here now, a suspected liar with a video they said he ‘should get over’ still floating around.

Not like he had hoped to pull it from the internet.

But it would have been nice to establish he had not agreed to that and what they were watching was rape, not porn.

He didn’t want to be a porn actor. People wanted him to be, apparently to the point that they’d force him into the role when he didn’t take it voluntarily.

If he never left, he’d never see anyone who thought so again. There would never be another chance for a continuation, he wouldn’t have to hurt more.

That would be better.

When he woke from his fifth nap due to nightmares, their dad was sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Hey,” he smiled and Donghyuck gave him a short nod because he couldn’t even try to force a fake smile. “It’s 3 pm and it’s time to get up.”

Donghyuck shook his head. No reason.

“Yes, actually, this is not up for debate. I completely understand it is devastating – it is for me as well – but you cannot let them ruin your life for you. You don’t deserve that.”

“I don’t care,” Donghyuck whispered, voice raspy from tears and disuse. He had hardly spoken all day. No reason.

“So, are you giving up? What then? Do you plan on staying in bed forever?” Minjun stroked down his arm. Donghyuck hardly felt it, his body like a foreign object.

“Maybe. Whatever. I don’t care.” He wasn’t sure if he cared or didn’t. He was just so unbelievably tired and ashamed and disappointed. It ate him up, leaving no room for any other questions. The second he tried to think, his brain imploded with shame and guilt and misery, none of which he had the energy to handle.

“Donghyuckie… at least come to see what good came out of yesterday? Listen to the news Mrs Jung has?”

Donghyuck shrugged.

Nothing would cheer him up.

The wording of the verdict still echoed in his head, especially the part where the impairment of value had been added to the offence. He was measured just in numbers, nothing else, and according to the judge, these numbers were unaffected by how he couldn’t smile how he used to, couldn’t do what he loved, they solely resulted from his appearance because that was all he was to that man and the law allowed him to rule accordingly.

He was just a toy, he didn’t have any worth other than his appearance as measured in money.

“Alright. Any other way I could make you cheer up? Maybe ice cream?”

Once more, he shook his head. “Not hungry.”

“I will only allow that for today. Tomorrow, you will have to eat properly. You know Jungwoo-sshi wants you to gain more weight, that’s very important!”

Jungwoo… the chart with the small marks in all colours of the rainbow, slowly climbing up the graph, closer to a healthy weight.

Donghyuck knew it was important, but he couldn’t. He was still sick and new tears of frustration collected in his eyes.

“What if I can’t?” Donghyuck whispered, but as he said it, he didn’t even know with regard to what he had asked.

His weight?

The appeal trial?

The hearing in the US if it was to ever take place?

Even just standing up when he didn’t have an ounce of energy in his body left?

“Then we will help you to be able to,” Minjun gently explained and stroked over his head once more, “You don’t have to do any of this alone. You have me and your mum, Mark, Johnny, your boyfriend, Injoon, plus all your friends, who, by the way, have been asking about you non-stop. We’re like a call centre, constantly giving updates because everyone understands how difficult it is, but they worry and care about you.

“I can relay greetings and encouragements from each and every single one. We have Injoon, of course, Jaemin, Guanheng, Jaehyun, Jeno, Sicheng, Ten, Yuta, Doyoung, Taeyong, Kun, Xiaojun, Taeil and Jungwoo, Yukhei, Yangyang, Chenle, and Jisung. Wow, there are so many people and I’m sure there are even more I didn’t know of because…” Minjun leaned over to the nightstand where his phone had been lying, untouched ever since last night when he had flung it there. “By now you have over 500 unread messages.”

Ever new tears slowly rolled down his temples.

That really was a lot.

“Do you want Injoon to come over?” 

Donghyuck sniffled.

Renjun.

Yes. He wanted him to be here and make him feel right even though everything was wrong.

“I love you, it’s not like that,” he croaked but his chest finally felt a bit less like squeezed to suffocation.

“I know, Donghyuckie, of course, I know. We love you so much, too, but I know sometimes it needs someone extra special to help and that does not mean you love us any less.”

Donghyuck nodded and Minjun gently scratched behind his ears until his muscles relaxed and hurt a little less. There was no purr, he still hurt too much to relax enough to let it out, but at least he felt a bit less miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	27. Chapter 27

The heat was unbearable in the street, but Renjun still ran. He’d regret this, he knew, but he couldn’t wait, walking was too slow.

He still had his phone in his hand, the message open but the screen turned off.

_Hi Injoon, weird how I always text you to ask if you want to come over, but Donghyuckie would surely feel better if you have time?_

In fact, Renjun did not have time, but he had told Yerim and the others that he had to go and check on Donghyuck, then left the Skype call as they were still confirming they’d finish without him.

There was so much to do, it was overwhelming, but Renjun knew he had to leave it to them for a second.

They had requests from radio shows, newspapers, blogs, even an opportunity to come on a small TV segment.

It had all come streaming in ever since last night at 10 pm.

Renjun had not even laid down in bed, he had been up all night answering, sorting things out, trying to make the impossible possible and squeeze 12 hours into 3.

It was good that he had been busy.

That had been what had kept him from going crazy after everything that had happened.

He hadn’t had time to recall Donghyuck, how he had been hidden between Johnny and Mark, clearly completely devastated, almost broken. He hadn’t had time to mull the verdict over, find every last implication behind the wording and the judgements made.

If he had had, he wasn’t sure what he would have done. Maybe something to get himself arrested, who knew.

To say he was furious was an understatement.

He had not held back typing the press release and the newsletter, getting everything done before 6 am and sending it out both within South Korea and to their sister groups all over the world to use in their own work without letting Harvey proof-read. He had done that before he had had Harvey, it’d be fine, he needed it out there.

_A minor case of bodily injury without impairment of value._

Renjun pushed himself off the ground faster.

Was that judge even human?

It was a joke, a cruel joke!

And _everyone_ could see that after the news of what had happened had broken including the truth and not the slanderous and unfounded accusations!

Renjun didn’t know who had been angry enough to write, edit, and get that article up on Naver before 10 pm yesterday, but he was grateful, very grateful, to them.

And the comments.

It had been on number one trending for over 18 hours by now, completely blown up. Their pages had spiked in clicks and views, Jeno had kept sending incoherent messages whenever one of his two videos had gained another 10,000 views.

If it had not been for all of this keeping Renjun going on pure adrenaline and coffee, he would have gone crazy because Donghyuck’s messages remained unread, he hadn’t picked up any calls, nothing.

He would have probably broken down over Mark’s updates telling him that Donghyuck had not even left the bed, not eaten well, not spoken, no improvement over the entire day.

Renjun knew it wasn’t his place, especially not as long as he wasn’t even openly dating Donghyuck, but not being able to be there, be closer, had been agony he had only been able to drown in work.

Now, that he could be there, the discussion over how to fundraise to cover the hefty penalty they had gotten for their forbidden gathering could take place without him. Yerim was in charge anyway, he knew she knew better what she was doing than he ever would with his mediocre grasp on numbers.

He was completely out of breath and his hair was sticking to his forehead when he slowed down to come to a halt in front of the door of the house in which the Lees were currently living. He wasn’t exactly in shape and the weather hadn’t done him any favours.

Only now did he wonder how this looked. Who, in their right mind, would run through Seoul in late July?

Renjun shook his head and typed in their flat’s number to ring.

It took just a few seconds until Johnny greeted and let him inside.

He saw himself in the lift’s mirror.

He hadn’t expected _how much_ of a mess he was looking. His face was showing that he had gotten up at 6 am – yesterday – the skin under his eyes dark purple. Together with the pink tint his cheeks had from the physical strain and the shine his sweat gave him, nevermind the bird’s nest his hair was, he probably looked his absolute worst.

It was too late to reconsider his appearance, the lift chimed to announce he had arrived on the 22nd floor and the door slid open gracefully.

Johnny was in the door already, waiting for him. He perked up and sent Renjun a smile, though a small one.

“Hey. Did you run?”

“I don’t normally look like this, no,” Renjun returned and Johnny chuckled as he opened wider to let him inside.

The Lees’ flat wasn’t cooled down as much as the hallway. Renjun was glad or he would have asked for a change of t-shirt because he had already started to get cold with the slightly damp clothing sticking to his body.

“Would you like to drink something?” Johnny offered as Renjun took off his shoes. He was already quite familiar with the flat. It was a nice one, that was for sure, spacious with big windows that let in a lot of light. He knew the left spot on the lower tier of the shoe rack was always empty, so he immediately went to put his shoes there.

“Water would be pretty good, I guess?” He straightened up, but even then he still had to look all the way up to meet Johnny’s eyes. “But I can get that myself, I’ve been here pretty often.”

“Oh, have you?” Johnny seemed surprised. Renjun hesitated. He had probably been a lot more often than any of Donghyuck’s friends.

“Yeah, it’s close and the goshiwon is just a glorified shoe-box,” he shrugged, hoping to distract. His relationship with Donghyuck felt like the last thing to talk about today even though Renjun, after getting over the nervousness of telling Donghyuck’s parents, was already forgetting they had not yet revealed it to everyone.

It must be because Minjun and Haneul had been so supportive, completely diffusing his worries. Of course, he had trusted Donghyuck’s judgement, but Renjun had never first-hand experienced unconditional support from parents. It had been overwhelming in all the right ways. They had proven themselves to be just as wonderful as the kids they had raised and who had such deep affection for their parents would suggest.

“Oh, well, it’s good you can come here then,” Johnny smiled and they made their way into the living room. Was Donghyuck here? Was he still in bed? Renjun could hear the whirring of the blow-dryer, maybe he had washed up? Had he felt safe enough to? Or had he showered again despite hating it so much?

Of course, cleaning and taking care of yourself were important self-care, but with how many issues Donghyuck was struggling with, Renjun couldn’t say how much good it did as compared to the bad.

Mark looked up from his phone, alone on the sofa, so Renjun assumed he might be right thinking the blow-dyer was where Donghyuck was.

“Oh, hey? What’s up with you, did hoards hunt you?” Mark raised his eyebrows and Renjun ruffled his hair, knowing it wouldn’t fix anything, possibly even make it worse.

“Yes, you know that happens in Seoul all the time and I had forgotten my pitchfork,” Renjun returned and Mark chuckled weakly.

They were joking, but the mood was pressed, it was almost palpable how worry was heavy on their hearts.

“Sorry for the stupid question, but why are you here?” Mark added and, once more, Renjun had to take a second and remember, no, they hadn’t told him yet because on the weekend he had not felt ready for that.

“I was invited,” he answered, unsure what else to say without telling a lie that would quickly be obvious. Renjun wasn’t a fan of lying – no one probably was – but if he did tell one, he wanted it to be waterproof and not to hurt anyone. He had no story like that to rely on right now and his brain was not working properly anymore after having been up for so long. So, he just didn’t say anything.

“Please, spare me the details,” Mark muttered but returned to his phone. Renjun decided to sit down next to him. He didn’t lean back because he still felt a bit sweaty, slowly drying in the blissfully cool air.

“Hey, I got you some water,” Johnny suddenly popped up out of nowhere. Renjun had already forgotten about that.

“Thanks,” he accepted it and took a sip, but he was too nervous to drink more.

He had gotten used to Donghyuck needing support different from what used to be because he had been traumatised and abused. While not perfect, their communication was better and Renjun had felt comfortable navigating their relationship – even in physical aspects that they had been slowly exploring anew.

Now, it felt like all of that was worthless because everything was different after this verdict.

The fact that both Johnny and Mark had been confused about why he was even here was the first problem with this situation. He didn’t want not to be here, absolutely not, but he didn’t know what to expect and how to behave. He didn’t even know in what condition Donghyuck was, which added to his nervousness.

The print-outs on the low table between sofa and TV caught his eye and Renjun subtly read what it was.

Oh! Donghyuck’s uni applications!

Yet another thing that was difficult for Donghyuck and weighing him down.

Renjun sighed and pushed his hair back again. Just sitting here and waiting made him realise how tired he was. He had just kept going which was why he had been able to. Now he was suddenly stopped and physical needs caught up. He yawned and hid it behind his hand before finding his phone in his pocket.

There were yet more new e-mails. He wanted to reply quickly! It felt like he was missing a chance if he didn’t.

He opened the first one, a reply to a long string of back and forth discussing dates and topics. Just as he had started scanning the content, he heard feet on the floor.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Mark looking up in time with him.

It was Donghyuck, exactly whom they had expected. His hair was fluffy and a bit frizzy, how he said it always became when blow-dried, but soft-looking. His ears were tucked down into the waves, his face tired and void of any happiness, like a dark cloud hiding the sun. The tracksuit he was wearing seemed too warm and much too huge on his skinny frame.

It was almost as if he had lost size over just two days, visibly worse than he had already been.

Renjun hated seeing it. It made him even angrier with the judge who had ruled so unfairly.

It didn’t matter that this obviously wrong verdict had gotten them so much attention and so many opportunities. Renjun would give them up in the blink of an eye if Donghyuck could have found justice.

“Hey,” he softly greeted, unsure what to do. He just remained where he was on the sofa while Donghyuck hesitated for a second but got over himself, squeezing his eyes closed and probably internally collecting all his courage.

It sucked to see him struggling so much, but there was so little that Renjun could do to help him.

No one spoke. The others were probably just as unsure about what to say as Renjun was.

Donghyuck crossed the room and wordlessly flopped onto the couch between Mark and him.

“Hi,” he finally whispered, voice thin.

It was overwhelming.

Renjun wanted to support him, help him, anything, but he didn’t know how and with Johnny, Mark, and Haneul in the room, he felt stiff and awkward, even more wanting to do the right thing but not knowing what that was.

“The green looks good on you,” Mark pointed out.

The fact that Donghyuck didn’t use the opportunity to reference his hair was telling, but Renjun could fill in for him, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Cannot be said for everyone.”

Johnny sounded like he had choked on something and Mark gave Renjun a panicked look.

Renjun felt Donghyuck’s head knock against his shoulder and a moment later he heard a soft and airy laugh, just for a second, but it was all he could ask for.

“I feel like I’m missing something here?” Haneul asked.

“It’s just me being the bullying victim again,” Mark complained, but there was no real accusation in his voice.

“Over the colour green? Okay, pretend I never asked, I understand. I’ll find my husband to embarrass him instead then. If you need anything, just yell.”

Renjun felt a smile on his face just witnessing this. He had never had anything like this! Now, he was suddenly in the middle of it all, how Haneul and Minjun had promised.

For a second, he became a bit choked up. It was a hasty judgement, but maybe it was because all of this was so out of the norm; I didn’t seem too absurd to imagine him being part of this family as a full member.

“I swear, I’m over this. I’m never going to touch dye other than black again, this was absolutely not worth the humiliation,” Mark sighed and rubbed his eyes.

Renjun had brought his free hand up slowly, always watching Donghyuck’s reaction and letting him see what he was doing, but he stayed calm against his shoulder and Renjun started to first pet over the soft hair, then wiggle his fingers between the strands to massage his scalp.

It was quiet.

Johnny had started to busy himself with cleaning up and Mark had returned to his phone, texting avidly. Renjun just felt Donghyuck’s even breathing where he was heavily leaning against him, and it made him drowsy and sleepy.

One time, they had been late and found an excuse to stay out overnight despite both still having been minors. It had been wilder times, but Renjun didn’t miss them. They were precious memories. He was confident Donghyuck would heal. Even if it would take years, he had time to wait for however long he needed. Then, they could do crazy things together and break rules again.

He remembered how, asleep, Donghyuck had squished him to the point of waking him up several times and Renjun had complained a lot.

Right now, he felt like doing that, sleeping next to the one he loved.

He was so tired.

“Injoon, hey, I mean, you looked a bit crazed when you came, but are you okay?” Renjun startled awake and ripped his eyes open when Johnny addressed him.

“Yeah, fine, I’ve been awake for almost 36 hours by now with some power naps in between, all good.”

Donghyuck had moved to look up at him.

“Why?” His voice was still too soft, full of worry.

“Yeah, I don’t know, it doesn’t sound healthy?” Mark’s brows were furrowed.

“I had so much work to do,” Renjun explained, omitting the part where he had felt unable to even consider sleeping, sick in worry. He’d burden Donghyuck with that, he always took responsibility for everything.

“Right, I saw the art- I mean. I guess,” Mark glanced at Donghyuck. “I can take the petting and you can go home to sleep, dude, why did you even come, that’s madness!”

“I really wanted to, you know, check, since Minjun-sshi invited me.”

Donghyuck was heavy against his arm again, enjoying the petting silently. It felt good to be able to do something, anything, and to be close.

“Right, that part I’m still confused about, why Injoon? No offence,” Mark chuckled awkwardly.

Renjun didn’t take any – he was over Mark’s indirect accusations at the meeting, too. Their friendship was stronger, at least it was to Renjun.

Everyone knew Donghyuck’s best friend was Jaemin, thought Jaemin had many best friends. It was a bit odd that Renjun was here, not he, if you were missing this one, vital, piece of information.

It was wrong not to tell them.

Making up a story in the midst of all this felt wrong. It was a whole different thing than just being subtle and never telling – this situation didn’t let you be subtle and adding lies would possibly be detrimental because it was so easy to blow them.

He wanted them to know, so it would be out in the open.

If Mark hated him for that, Renjun would accept that.

If Johnny didn’t approve, Renjun would accept that.

The issue remaining was not him, it was Donghyuck. Renjun had energy to face backlash – it was highly doubtful Donghyuck had energy for anything today. Now was a bad time – or maybe it wasn’t.

Johnny was a very loving person; he’d never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally. Especially not Donghyuck or Mark, everyone knew how precious his family was to Johnny.

He wasn’t the main concern Donghyuck had had.

Mark was.

But Renjun knew Mark also deeply cared and was extremely worried about Donghyuck. They had held more than one late conversation when Mark wasn’t usually talkative or one to phone anyone, that was how serious it was.

If there was a chance to lessen the blow – it was now.

Renjun felt Donghyuck’s eyes on him and he looked down to meet them.

They didn’t need words.

The question was clear.

And so was that they agreed.

Donghyuck knew the risks just as well as Renjun did, there was no need to patronise him.

Renjun gave a small nod.

Donghyuck turned his head to focus on Mark, who had watched their exchange. Renjun looked over to where Johnny was still kneeling on the floor in front of them, a stack of books he had been about to put away before waking Renjun up from almost falling asleep still in his heads.

He was about to say it, but Donghyuck beat him to it.

“He’s my boyfriend, that’s why.”

It was so simply put, yet the words held so much vulnerability. It was clear Donghyuck had made this decision on a whim and scrapped up every ounce of courage he had. Renjun moved his fingers just a bit, to remind him he was here and it would be okay.

Mark looked between the two of them, apparently waiting for the ‘just kidding’.

Renjun glanced at Johnny, who seemed to go through a moment of comprehending the new information as well, surprise clear in his face.

When Renjun turned to Mark again, he had realised it was not a joke but the revelation of a true relationship. It was unclear if he’d next kick Renjun from their flat forever or promise his support.

“Uhu,” was all he said, stunted, but Renjun would take that over immediate rejection.

“Well, that’s nice, of course,” Johnny chipped in and Renjun turned his attention back to him. He was still unmoved, even holding the books. “Yeah, um, that’s nice, right?” He smiled, but it was obvious he was at a loss what to do.

Again, Renjun would take this over rejection any day. Johnny seemed mainly surprised and completely unprepared, not necessarily opposing.

“I think it’s nice,” Renjun tried to somehow lead the conversation. This could have been smoother with some preparation. _It’s nice_ sounded inappropriate in lights of what their relationship was right now. It was challenging, rewarding, wonderful, difficult, fulfilling, not… _nice_.

“For… how long have you been together? Just in case… you know…” Johnny cleared his throat, but Renjun wasn’t scared of any questions. He was so sure of his feelings, he didn’t have any doubt. He felt Donghyuck press himself a bit tighter against his side as Johnny continued, “Since we talked about challenges in relationships? I just want you both to know that it’s not always a straight road.”

The way Johnny was fixing him with his eyes let Renjun know what he meant without him explicitly saying it.

Johnny knew at least some of the struggles and difficulties Renjun would face, after all, Ten was also a survivor of rape.

After all, Johnny was also a survivor of abuse.

He had not said human and Hybrid, no, just relationships generally. He was just looking out for his little brother because he had made similar experiences and knew it was difficult.

“Yeah, we know,” Donghyuck answered, sounding far more sure of himself than before.

“If we count total, we’re closing in on half a year,” Renjun added carefully because he wanted Jonny to realise that they weren’t fooling around. This was serious.

“Yeah, five months and three weeks and two days total.” Donghyuck’s voice became more and more normal the more he talked. “But we broke up in between because… you know, I went to Canada with Mark,” his voice became softer again and he looked over to Mark, Renjun following his gaze.

Mark still looked stupefied.

“You broke up so you could go to college?” Johnny asked, sounding disbelieving.

“No, it was…”

“No, Renjun, don’t even try!” Donghyuck had suddenly sat up and put his hand over his mouth. Renjun was so surprised by his sudden burst of energy he froze, but he saw a spark of determination in Donghyuck’s eyes that had been missing before.

“What happened objectively speaking was that I wanted to get an education and saw my best chances in the States and Renjun didn’t think he could safely come out, so, we broke up because it made the most sense. We both agreed.” The explanation doubles as a reminder to Renjun. “But it still sucked and, well, now no one is in the States and Renjun got independence from his grandparents, so things are different and we got another chance.”

“That’s… wow, that’s really… I don’t know what to say, it’s both so sad and so romantic, that you did that for each other,” Johnny breathed, clearly a bit touched by their story. It was one full of ups and downs, that was certain.

Mark still hadn't said anything, but he let out a deep breath and finally moved again.

“And you didn’t… tell us?” He asked, voice now as thin as Donghyuck’s had first been.

“There were so many things, nevermind… I was scared, Mark. I want you to accept the one I love as my boyfriend, especially now. I don’t have the energy to permanently fight with you and I don’t want to.”

It was honest. Donghyuck was baring his cards and Mark took another second, then he groaned and buried his face in his hands.

“Fuck, okay, I fucked up, I’m sorry. I was just… also worried, so worried, I was on a blind crusade against everyone and I forgot a few things on the way. What I said at the meeting, that must have been hurtful. To you, too, Injoon, I’m sorry. I should have said this long ago but I had no idea how much my words must have hurt. I’m so sorry. I… I am totally, fully, very much, 100 per cent in support, I was just… very shocked. I was already shocked when Nana and Jeno started dating but this… urgh, my poor head.”

It was unexpected.

Unexpected but very much appreciated.

“Apology accepted.” Renjun hadn’t even been angry anymore, but getting this, he knew he was over that fight.

In a way, he understood, even appreciated Mark’s behaviour.

There were many bad people out there. Donghyuck had already suffered too much at their hands.

Mark and he were alike. They were humans, but they never wanted to hurt Donghyuck and other Hybrids – Mark having accidentally still done so must be paining him and Renjun understood. He still felt out of his comfort zone, worried to make a mistake and hurting instead of comforting.

That would be the worst feeling.

It was good to know that Mark had realised Renjun though no differently than he.

“Yeah, thank you, Markie.” Donghyuck pulled away and Renjun let go so he could hug Mark, who sniffed before hugging back.

“Me, too!” Johnny announced and Renjun suddenly found himself buried under one huge affectionate dog Hybrid, getting cuddled.

It wouldn’t have been the same without this.

He had never gotten a lot of support over his life, but having this now felt like it was giving him wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got some comments ever since the new wave of BLM protests started, saying how this fic seems to reflect what is happening in the world right now and while that’s completely true, I also didn’t make any changes as a reaction to the recent developments. I had already written up to chapter 25 or so before the end of May 2020 (yes, writing and editing this takes a LOT of time) because the issues aren’t new – nor are they the only ones. 
> 
> It’s a coincidence that big protests took place while I’m still working on this fic, but it just shows that because discrimination is still very much present, the striving for equality is also always present – sometimes it gets the public’s full attention, sometimes those who’re suffering are voiceless. 
> 
> If I had to name one main message I’m hoping to send with Sun Pearl – but maybe even with Heaven overall – it’s how incredibly important it is to be openminded and kind.

The letters started swimming in front of Donghyuck’s eyes as he tried to read the comments on the article Renjun had opened.

He had not expected anything good when Renjun had gently suggested if he wanted to see the public’s reaction. He had thought everyone would talk poorly about him, disrespect him, make fun of him.

He had not yet found a single comment doing any of that.

He was sniffling as he kept going, reading about so much understanding, so much interest in how it could have ever gotten to this, what could be done to change this.

The stifling silence and slander the Union had fought against over the last months, years even, had been broken with just one article following that verdict. Like someone had run down a wall and what had been forcefully kept behind it was now spreading like a wildfire.

Donghyuck scrolled down. He couldn’t stop. He wanted to find something bad, but there was nothing.

Nothing but support and comments upon comments, some whole paragraphs, on why this case was a trainwreck, people blaming the judge, blaming the system, saying they wished they had realised this was still going on years later.

Yes, it was ignorant they only now realised, but Donghyuck knew he couldn’t change human nature. He knew they’d rather live an easy and peaceful life if they could – he would, too, but he couldn’t as long as there were changes that still needed to be made.

At least they were listening now, were helping them to amplify their voices now.

Renjun was still next to him, as was Mark, while Johnny had joined Minjun and Haneul in the kitchen to prepare dinner.

How it was already the evening was quite puzzling to Donghyuck, but today had been a weird day for sure. No wonder time also behaved strangely.

When he had reached the bottom of the page, he scrolled back up because he wanted to confirm, yes, he had just read through hundreds of these. They were real.

“I didn’t think,” he sniffled and a tissue was brought to his face.

He took it and blew his nose.

“I also usually don’t think,” Renjun teased and Donghyuck laughed between more tears.

Once more, it wasn’t suddenly okay, he still was exhausted, frustrated, he felt like someone had slapped him against a housewall, face first, but what had been missing all morning and afternoon was back: hope.

Hope to get better, to be okay.

Hope to find justice.

Better yet, as he sat back and leaned against Renjun, there was no more worry in his heart over how his family would react, no more doubt if he’d be supported.

No more need to keep it a secret from the ones he didn’t want to have secrets from.

“It’s really a ton, I was shocked when I woke up and saw,” Mark agreed, “Jeno broke 100,000 subscribers on the channel earlier.”

“Oh?” Donghyuck could imagine Jeno bouncing around the house in happiness, black tail wagging as he showed everyone his success. “I want to congratulate him! Renjun, call him!”

“Am I your servant?” Renjun sighed but accepted his phone that Donghyuck had just been using to read comments.

“We’re all his servants, this is nothing new,” Mark pretended to be serious and Donghyuck kicked him a bit, whining.

Again, he didn’t feel normal yet. He didn’t have the energy to be as loud as he felt would be appropriate, but he had enough energy to move his body a bit, enough to be playful, enough to no longer feel like his life was inevitably over.

It was a relief. The Donghyuck who had been so crushed by the verdict he had almost been broken again was a miserable one. Donghyuck didn’t want to be miserable. He didn’t deserve that.

His happiness was his own responsibility, but he had a support network that allowed him to realise it was still an option and helped him get there.

“Hello?” Jeno’s voice came from the phone and Donghyuck pushed his head next to Renjun’s, so the front camera would capture him.

“Hey! Injoonie said you’re on the way to becoming YouTube famous! Congrats!” He would have yelled this and then beamed, but for now, he said it softly and smiled. That was more than enough after this day.

Jeno’s eyes widened, then he suddenly started jumping around, his recoding completely jumbled as the video could hardly keep up. Bits of the ceiling and the ground mixed with Jeno’s blurred face.

Cute.

“Donghyuckie! Yes! Thank you! You’re there! Yes!”

The thundering of feet was audible and Donghyuck felt a little guilty that he had made everyone worry so much.

“Yes, yes, yes, we got so many views, almost half a million on that one video, oh my god, it’s so crazy, and so many comments and questions, like, people _want_ to learn! They _want_ to become better, so many said so, I…” Jeno yelled and the sound of a knife on a chopping board joined his rambling.

For a second, it was almost unbelievable.

But Donghyuck had seen the comments.

They had a voice again – the media had returned their attention and on top they had found their own way of making it be heard. It was thanks to Jeno having had that idea and having put in so much work and love to start building their own platform. If the media would grow bored, they’d not be silenced after this! Now, everything was different!

The picture on Renjun’s phone finally returned to normal and a head of grey hair popped up next to Jeno, green eyes big and full of worry.

“Donghyuckie?”

“Hi, Taeyong-Hyung,” Donghyuck smiled into the camera and Taeyong’s screech was as pleasant as one would expect.

Donghyuck chuckled as Taeyong asked if he had eaten, if he had slept, if he had been getting plenty of petting and rest.

Just how Minjun had said – he had so much support, so many friends and almost family members who loved him.

He was a very lucky person, but for once, the thought he was didn’t weigh him down. He was lucky – in this regard. Not in others. But because he was, he could overcome that and help others become lucky, too.

He allowed himself another day of healing away from the outside.

It was Mark’s birthday, so there wasn’t much to do anyway.

Mark was a social person just like Donghyuck himself was, but all his teen years, they had spent his birthday like this – at home, watching tv, cuddling, eating. Either because the time together as five was too precious to waste on anything else or because, on his birthday, Mark had always missed their parents the most, so much it had almost been impossible for him to smile.

Today, it was almost impossible to smile for Donghyuck, but he tried not to bring the mood down – his own and that of the others.

He wanted to be happy again and he could. He was sure of that.

Eating was difficult, but Donghyuck still managed half a slice of cake over the course of the whole day.

Mark asked him about Renjun.

He was being subtle and Donghyuck answered his questions without teasing. He was still too tired and also still worried, but there was no negativity or judgement, not even disguised as positivity.

“I think the weirdest part is that he’s gay. I missed his coming-out. I mean, I kinda heard, but still. He always hid it really well, which, I mean… that’s probably bad but I just always heard about the crushes he allegedly had on girls. It sucks.”

“Hmh,” Donghyuck had been genuinely surprised, too, when Renjun had told him. Sure, he had always made jokes about growing old with him, giving him chocolate for Valentine and doing other couple things, but he had always expected his crush to be forever one-sided for the pure reason that Renjun wouldn’t even consider him.

“Makes me wonder. Maybe I’m not straight, too. I wouldn’t mind dating… Yukhei-Hyung. Does that make me not straight? I’m confused.”

“I think it does, but also… you don’t need a label if you don’t want it. Or you can change it if it no longer fits.”

“I guess. I just…” Mark took a very deep breath, “I just want you to be happy, okay? I would do anything. I still feel like I should have done more. I saw how you looked during Spring Break, but I didn’t do anything about it because I thought I was imagining things.”

“I didn’t want you to know.”

“I know. Which is… don’t misunderstand, okay? I want to trust you, but in this case, I wished I had not trusted you because you had gotten hurt and deceived. I could have been the one to break that circle earlier and kept you safe from even more abuse and trauma. But I didn’t. I left you to suffer alone and I feel terrible about that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not your fault. But I understand in my quest to protect you, I overstepped and hurt both you and Renjun because I made generalisations and forgot to consider about half the things I should have known. I’m still very sorry about that. I thought about it long and hard and… I want to learn from this, but I can’t promise I can immediately be better. I might fuck up again and if I do, you need to tell me again, okay? We have to talk about… things.”

“Okay. We will talk about things then. Also, don’t misunderstand, please. I very much appreciate your protection and worry. I’m very, very glad you gave Renjun a chance. Because I kinda love him a lot.”

“Yeah, this will take some getting used to. Did you kiss before?”

“Mark, I’m sorry, what about the almost half a year relationship did you not understand?”

“Okay, okay, just asking. Like, with tongue?”

“Oh my god, this is so embarrassing, please shut up!”

“So, yes? Wow, that’s so weird to imagine.”

“Why are you even imagining it? Just _stop_ , you’re so embarrassing!”

“You did tell mom and dad, right?”

Donghyuck calmed down and pressed his palms against his cheeks.

“We did tell them last weekend. We also… hm, we went to the temple and I introduced myself to Renjun’s parents. Just in case.”

“Wow. That’s… really wow. He must really love you a lot, too.”

A smile spread over Donghyuck’s face.

“Yes, he does.”

And then it became Friday and Donghyuck decided it was time to get back on track.

The world wouldn’t change unless he kicked her ass, after all.

So, the first thing he did after breakfast was to sit down with his phone and open the Union’s group chat. There were over a thousand unread messages by now. He started with the earlier ones, those posted before the hearing had even taken place, and slowly scrolled down.

He noticed the article Renjun had shown him and tapped it. Maybe there were bad comments on it now?

But there were not.

So he tried the next article, and the next, and the next.

There were plenty of them. After the first one, many had followed suit.

He found some negative comments, scattered between the positive ones.

Donghyuck realised they hurt so much more than the positive ones soothed.

He should definitely not be reading this. Why was he even? This was truly giving himself anxieties without good reason.

Clearly, most people were understanding and incredibly supportive.

It still seemed surreal, but there was enough proof.

He should stop reading more negativity since it wasn’t constructive. Maybe he’d ask someone to yell at him later that, yes, his image in the public had not been dragged through the mud and he was not generally ridiculed.

He was understood and supported and validated because he had been hurt and not found justice and he wasn’t making that up.

Instead, he read the articles without opening comment sections. It seemed like a very reasonable and mature thing to do. Patt patt. Especially those with interviews interested him. He wanted to know what questions people had.

Many were the same old ones they had been answering for years, maybe with slight alterations. Still, Donghyuck read them all because he wanted to know what kind of progress they were making and what people were listening to.

**_Question_ ** _: What are your motivations for working in the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation? Is it because you are obsessed with Hybrids, how people say?_

**_Lee Seojeong_ ** _: I think it is important to treat other beings with respect and kindness. The cleverness and humanity of Hybrids have been known and subject to research for decades now. If you go back to the original lab’s publications, it is baffling how anyone could have ever forgotten they are not inferior. It was done to them on purpose, this kind of marketing. We are just here to undo that. I am obsessed with achieving equality for them, yes._

**_Question_ ** _: When did you start working for the Union and why?_

**_Kim Sookyung_ ** _: Most of us started in high school. I learnt about the Union’s existence during a trip to the Hybrid doctor with my family’s Hybrid. It was because of her that I started. I read things I had never heard about before and I was curious, then shocked I had not known because I should have, as the indirect owner of one. All of us started because we feel a sort of responsibility, each different from the other, and saw the injustice done to members of society we profited off without even paying them their due respect._

**_Question_ ** _: But is there not some fascination? It’s a little taboo, a little sexy?_

**_Kim Yerim_ ** _: The fact that I am asked this questions shows me how much work there still is to do. How is an entire species a “taboo” and “sexy”?_

**_Question_ ** _: It is undeniable that cat and bunny Hybrids are very present in 19+ media. Does that not affect you?_

**_Hwang Injoon_ ** _: You have to consider why they are there. Voluntarily? Rarely. Sure, many do not question it as they never realised that was an option. To generalise and stigmatise an entire part of the population because of their over-sexualisation through a third party is another issue we are working on._

**_Question_ ** _: Well, if they did not want to, would they not just refuse, or is that an oversimplification?_

**_Jeno_ ** _: Very much, unfortunately. You see, us Hybrids are raised with a very limited world-view. I never knew I could learn complex subjects, I thought I was too dumb – until I was given the opportunity to. I was able to understand it just like a human. I had never questioned it before, I did not even know how to question something. That is something I feel the general public does not realise. We call it the breeder-persona sometimes because the breeders install it in us, but it is not an authentic personality because of how suppressed most of our traits are. I think most people would like to learn more, so, I hope more will listen to us and understand._

_That was very interesting. With the recent headlines, we are sure that more people want to educate themselves and form an opinion. Thank you for taking the time!_

_[note: Jeno is a Labrador Retriever Hybrid, whose owner agreed to this interview being published]_

_For more information about the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation click here._

Getting through everything took hours.

Even by lunch, Donghyuck wasn’t done yet. Other than their conversations and articles, there had been the clip from the radio where Renjun and Yerim had guested and that had been an entire hour. He had listened to all of it.

“Hey, hey. What is my favourite Donghyuck doing?”

Donghyuck groaned when Johnny flopped down on top of him.

“Don’t you live somewhere else? Why are you here again?” He teased, tickling his waist.

“I know, right? It’s almost as if he cares about his family, shocking.” Ten took his other side and Donghyuck suddenly found himself sandwiched between them.

Hm, this was nice.

“I was just kidding. I was reading up on things that happened. I still have a lot to go through later. Maybe.”

Donghyuck waved his phone, then put it aside to focus on cuddling.

“Little wrecking-ball,” Johnny sighed and stroked over his head.

“Taeil-Hyung and Jungwoo-Hyung got so many requests, too. Sooyoung-Noona was so flooded Taeil-Hyung had to force her to go home on time. Which… now he is going to do it himself, of course. That man, seriously.”

Donghyuck contemplated what kind of invitations Ten must be referring to. Probably similar, yet completely different from their own, that was how it had always been because there was such a broad field of media to cover. Big shows preferred to have a doctor over some young activists, it wasn’t like they were competing because they didn’t compare.

Sooyoung’s job was sort of that of a personal assistant rather than a secretary for the office. Taeil had written two books, one with Jungwoo as co-author. They were complicated medial books, for other Hybrid doctors. They had been translated into many languages. One was about diabetes in Hybrids. The other one was about wholistic Hybrid therapy.

Taeil had talked at many official medical summits, he had even been abroad to do so. Meanwhile, Jungwoo had said he had decided defending his thesis was the maximum extent of public speaking he’d like to do.

Taeil had also been on TV after Ten and Xiaojun’s trial.

Perfectly objectively speaking, he was an internationally well-known and reputable Hybrid doctor. In Donghyuck’s head, he was an ally, opening doors that were out of reach for them, and the most wonderful Hybrid dad other than his own.

“Doyoung will drag him from his office by 1 am the latest,” Johnny laughed.

“Hyung! You have to sleep! Eight hours every night are necessary to stay healthy!” Ten imitated Doyoung’s nagging voice almost perfectly and Donghyuck couldn’t hold back from giggling either.

“Actually, we came to get you to set the table and eat,” Johnny announced when they had calmed down. 

“Ew, for chores? Why would you do that? So rude.” Donghyuck didn’t even move, but there wasn’t much fire behind his words. He had to yet again find his way back to normal. This time, it was going a whole lot faster, though.

Renjun had said because his entire world had been shattered when he had been a child, it had not a few weeks ago.

Donghyuck was not that strong. His world had definitely shattered again, but this time rebuilding it was faster, so that was his way of dealing with it.

“I know, right? Once Haneul-ma and Minjun-pa are back in London, we should go back to take-away only.”

“Taeyong will haven an aneurism. Why is it that that couple is like everyone’s parents?” Ten mused.

Donghyuck was still lingering on what Johnny had mentioned.

He knew they’d go back eventually. Not just eventually, quite soon even. Of Haneul’s holiday, a week was already up and if Donghyuck returned to counting them, he almost got scared because he realised he was already past the half-way mark of what had been his own deadline.

He quickly reminded himself it wasn’t like that anymore. He wouldn’t go back, back to hell. He got to stay here, at his home.

Still. Johnny was right. Haneul would have to leave, Mark would have to leave, and Minjun, realistically speaking, would have to leave as well.

That kinda didn’t feel that good, especially since he had no idea for how much longer his trials would carry on. Appeals and revisions took time – if you had to go through one level after the other, it was easy to take years fighting for justice.

“Well, if I’ll live here alone, I’ll definitely be over in Cheongdam all the time,” Donghyuck muttered. Living alone was scary. He didn’t want that. Maybe Renjun could come over a lot?

“Wait, alone?” Johnny gasped, seeming to realise that, yes, everyone but Donghyuck was only here temporarily.

“I’m sure Taeyong would be a lot happier if you were than if you were eating high sodium and fat meals all the time. Nevermind the plastic-waste.”

“I’ll have to talk to Minjun-pa about that,” Johnny decided and got up.

Ten and Donghyuck both looked after him for a second.

“So, you’ll be staying here for certain?” Ten eventually asked.

“Yeah, I plan to.”

“You won’t go to London with them? I thought about what scenarios might happen, just so I’m prepared.” 

Donghyuck hesitated.

“I didn’t even consider that. I mean…” It would be reasonable. He’d have his parents to take care of him.

But he’d have no Renjun.

No Jaemin, no Johnny, no Ten, no Taeyong, no Jeno, no Guanheng, no Yerim, no Seojeong, no Sunkyung, no Taeil, no Heaven, no Union. No Seoul.

“No, I didn’t mean to say you should do that. It was just a scenario I thought of.”

“Okay.”

Ten had started to gently rub his neck and Donghyuck leaned into the touch.

“I don’t understand families, not really, which is why I thought you’d do it. You’re still a baby in my head.”

Donghyuck started laughing softly, “I like that.”

“Remember when we made the Valentin’s day chocolates with Xiaojun? He’s just a year older, but he was so serious about it while you made prank ones to annoy Renjun. I think you’ll stay that way in my head forever.”

“Of course, I remember. Renjun’s reaction was gold, everything I had hoped it would be.”

Donghyuck snickered to himself. Renjun had nearly dropped the present, first turned pale, then red, while Jaemin had asked if he could eat them if Renjun didn’t want them. As if it was a ticking timebomb, Renjun had almost thrown them at Jaemin, who had made quick work of Donghyuck pretty measly attempts.

Sure, Donghyuck had secretly hoped something would have come out of that present, but it had not and the joke of it all had been enough for him at the time.

“See, that’s why you’re still a baby to me.”

“Hm, Taeyong-Hyung said I’m grown-up now.”

“That’s him. I still wonder what Renjun must have thought, seeing how had not yet come out at the time.”

“Well, I had hoped he would have noticed my crush, but since he didn’t, he probably just took it as a joke,” Donghyuck guessed, then froze.

Oh damn.

“Forget I said that.”

“Which part, the crush?” Ten was suddenly in his face, grinning mischievously, “Would you like me to set you up on a date? And then stalk you? Into the Metro network? Very subtly?”

Donghyuck whined and shrunk into himself, remembering how poorly he and Mark had been doing exactly that with Johnny and Ten’s first date.

Though, admittedly, Donghyuck had not set them up, they had figured that out by themselves.

“Noooo.”

“Oh, not? Some of your other little spiels, maybe?” Ten squeezed his cheeks.

Would Renjun be upset because this had not been agreed upon? But he couldn’t lie… he’d tell Renjun about this right away, then be more careful in the future.

Ever since they had started to tell others, it was difficult to remember it was not yet all out in the open.

That should change.

Soon.

Before someone got hurt!

“I’m already together with him, so you’re late,” Donghyuck muttered.

Ten let go, surprised for a second, but then he seemed to remember something and nodded. 

For a few moments, Donghyuck could bear the silence, then it became overwhelming.

“You’re not against that, are you?”

Worry about rejection, worry not to be supported, it was all back all of a sudden and Donghyuck wished for confirmation that Ten thought it was a good relationship as if he didn’t already know so himself.

“It’s not my relationship, it’s not my place to judge. Though… hm.”

The pause was heavy and Donghyuck had to bite down on his lower lip, unsettled by not knowing if Ten’s next words would be good or bad.

“Isn’t there a saying of how two people are made of the same fabric?”

“Cut from the same cloth?” Donghyuck suggested carefully.

“Yeah, that. You two are. It just… it makes sense. Even if you’re a Hybrid and Renjun is not, it doesn’t feel like there is that big of a difference when it is you two.”

“Hyung!” Donghyuck hiccupped and tackled the surprised Ten in a hug.

That was right. Differences could be as small as the Euripus Strait.

But it was the first time someone else had said that, unprompted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry so little happened, I was so blocked on where to go from here, how to connect this to the next plotline, I needed to add some small details and soft healing to figure myself out ;;;
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I know trials take forever, but that doesn’t work in my favour bc I don’t want to write 500k of agony and angst, so, the justice system works super fast in this AU ~

_[to: Renjun ☆] Injooniiiiiie ;;; I’m so sorry, I kinda accidentally told Ten-Hyung I had a crush on you and then I didn’t want to lie to him, so I told him we’re in a relationship ;;;; I hope it’s okay? I’ll be more careful in the future!_

_[from: Renjun ☆] My heart! Yah! I thought it was something bad! You are forbidden from using the crying emoji unless it’s bad!!!_

_And of course it’s okay <3_

_I kinda keep forgetting we only told our parents and Johnny + Mark, too… what did he say?_

_[to: Renjun ☆] He said it made sense because we’re made from the same cloth and there’s hardly any difference between us bc we fit so well. I cried._

_[from: Renjun ☆] That’s sweet. Ah. What a relief._

_Actually, I don’t mean to pressure you and ruin the circle-plan, but don’t you think we should maybe just make one big announcement and get it over with?_

_I’m worried Jeno will be really hurt if he finds out later than others…._

_[to: Renjun ☆] Jeno? Hmmmmm. Do I need to be jealous? ;)))))))))_

_[from: Renjun ☆] Shut up, you dork!_

_[to: Renjun ☆] You’re right, though. I think Nana, too… that’d suck. Urgh, on the one hand, I really want to do that, let everyone know, dang, I want to buy you an ad in the Metro so everyone knows bc I love you <333333 _

_On the other hand, I feel like throwing up from anxiety again, this is really fun_

_[from: Renjun ☆] :(_

_I love you, too_

_Would it be easier if you could just decide it on a whim? If it feels right? Because I’d be fine with that._

_[to: Renjun ☆] It sounds like a good idea in my head now… if it’s okay with you?_

_[from: Renjun ☆] Sure is <3_

Renjun trusting him and giving him all control over the decision took a bit of the pressure off, but Donghyuck’s couldn’t deny how it kept nagging in the back of his head all of Friday.

He couldn’t remember ever having felt this torn before, it was driving him insane!

He had even considered asking his therapist instead of combatting the trial and everything that had happened, but he had ended up not doing that because his panic attacks and nervous breakdown had been more important.

Please, what was a little anxiety, that was a mere _joke_ to Donghyuck. He was becoming an expert at how to deal with that, was he not?

Somewhat controlled anxiety or not, he kept mulling it over, searching for the perfect solution that seemed not to exist.

The weekend meant they’d go to the park and once everyone had chased after balls sufficiently, it became quiet and calm and they’d just laze around for an hour or two.

It would be an almost ideal setting to just… tell. He’d even cover most of the Heaven inhabitants, plus most likely the chaos trio and Yukhei.

Johnny would be there, Mark, Ten, people who already knew – but they also couldn’t stop anyone from saying something hurtful.

It would be relatively easy – and so incredibly difficult at the same time.

The fear to get hurt by a friend was crushing. Donghyuck struggled to trust them not to at least say something in the heat of the moment just because of their previous bad experiences. It was normal to base your judgement off those, but he wanted a new chance for his and Renjun’s love because it was different.

On the other hand, he could keep waiting. He had enough other things to figure out. The trial, that was the actual source of misery right now, was not over – far from it.

Donghyuck’s finger hovered over the e-mail in his inbox.

It was this e-mail, rather, this e-mail’s content he was procrastinating to read by running through a million scenarios of the weekend in his head.

_From: Jung Jessica <jung.sooyeon@kwon-part-defendants.kr>_

_Urgent! RE: RE: RE: RE: Update RE: RE: Hearings Poughkeepsie_

He groaned, running a hand through his hair.

He didn’t want to read this.

Just the thought of boarding a plane to fly to the States was nausea-inducing.

Just the thought of stepping foot into another court was too much. Just one session of therapy wasn’t enough to make it not that.

What if he didn’t come…

No!

He wanted justice!

This was what it took, he had known that!

Donghyuck tapped the e-mail and it took a second to load before the endless paragraphs of back and forth opened in front of him.

His eyes flitted over what had been exchanged, taking the information in, trying only to pay attention to the most important parts.

They had a date.

For the hearings.

Okay. Good. That was good.

That date was in two weeks, which was three weeks before the new hearings in Seoul.

Donghyuck closed his eyes. Breathe. He could do this. He could do this. He could do this. He had all the support in the world. He wasn’t alone.

_But what if it failed again?_

Yes, that was a risk. It was just the first instance, the first hearing, it could stretch on if the evidence would have to be revised, pleadings considered.

Nothing worth having ever came for free, so Ten had said many times.

Okay, he had this under control.

Donghyuck ordered his hair again and resumed reading.

The rest were technicalities. Things that would have had him on the edge of his seat in excitement over learning about the law and courts, taking every detail in, but he couldn’t find it in himself right now.

Just this one thing…

_Donghyuck Lee (plaintriff), legally represented by Jessica Jung_

No Haneul. No Mark. No “Donghyuck (no family name)”.

If he could have a small, tiny tiny, good thing, then it was this: _He_ got to press for changes. In the US, he had the _right_ to.

And that almost made up for having to appear in court and seeing all his abusers, especially those he had thought were his friends.

Almost.

Saturday, Renjun had to go to his grandparents’ for lunch.

Haneul and Minjun went on a date, leaving Donghyuck and Mark alone in the flat – or rather with the option to invite people over.

“Like baaaby, baaaby, baaaby ooh!”

Donghyuck chopped carrots to the beat.

“Like baaaby, baaaby, baaaby ooh!”

Jisung dropped the one billionth cooking utensil since he had arrived.

“I thought you'd always be mine”

“Mine!” Yangyang echoed, using the spoon as his mic.

The small Bluetooth speaker was running on maximum volume to provide the background instrumental.

Their neighbours might be writing a complaint to the building management as they were still rocking on in the kitchen, but Donghyuck was sure they’d get one warning before having to face any serious consequences.

As they moved to lyrics a bit more complex than repeating ‘baby’ until you hated the word, the interpretations of what was actually said became more versatile, but once the chorus hit, all six of them were yelling in unison again.

Even Mark despite allegedly being allergic to Justin Bieber.

Life seemed easy when lost in song and wild cooking-dances.

That was why they were doing it. Yukhei and his girlfriend had broken up last week and Donghyuck’s rapist was walking free, abusing more Hybrids. They needed and deserved this.

Donghyuck assumed the master-minds behind this were probably Yangyang and Mark.

If there was one Hybrid-owner couple who seemed the most stereotypical but was anything but, it was Yukhei and Yangyang. He had been gifted to Yukhei just so he wouldn’t be lonely in university, how it happened frequently with the children of wealthy families when they moved away from home.

Five years later, Yangyang was, well, he was what he had been supposed to be, but usually, Hybrids in such positions were limited to fulfil certain expectations.

Yukhei had never limited Yangyang – if only because he was simply a too kindhearted and genuinely loving person. Yangyang had made it his task to look out for Yukhei, how it had been expected of him, and more or less accidentally pushed past any boundary a traditional Hybrid companion was supposed to stay within.

So many more could be like Yangyang if they were let.

In the future, maybe they could.

Returning to his belief that nothing was forever, including the mistreatment of Hybrids, would take Donghyuck a bit longer, but with the wave of support, the ideas nested in his heart much faster than they had last time.

“Listen boy!” “My first love story!” “My angel.” “My sunshine.”

“Hyung, that’s burning!”

So, yes, it had been a successful cooking event and they even saved enough food from burning to have a full lunch.

On Sunday, they went to the park.

August was too hot and damp for Donghyuck to even _want_ to move.

Nevermind anxiety was making his asthma worse.

He could reveal he was dating Renjun now.

It would be a good opportunity.

He’d avoid hurting anyone if he told them now.

But he couldn’t.

He let the chance pass and when he was home again, sweaty even after not having moved, he felt like it had been a mistake – but it was too late to change anything now.

Maybe it would be better to tell them one by one?

Monday would be a good time.

Jeno and Guanheng were filming a new video for YouTube with Taeyong guesting and explaining how to best cook for Hybrids.

He could tell Jaemin now.

Or Sicheng?

Or maybe he should take the lunch-break and tell Taeil?

His head hurt.

“Where do I look? Into the camera?” Taeyong glanced around, visibly insecure. Donghyuck saw his hand come up to his ear over and over. He was sitting so it was slightly hidden from view.

He’d be in the comment section, blocking and reporting anyone saying something mean about this, that was for certain.

“Yes, right into the camera or you can look at me and Guanheng, too.”

“Okay. I hope I won’t ruin it for you.”

“No, Hyung, it’ll be amazing. Thank you for taking the time, okay?”

Taeyong nodded, but he didn’t seem convinced he was doing something good here.

“Okay and action,” Renjun announced, pressing the record button.

Donghyuck wanted to sit closer. He wanted to hold his hand.

He could if he just _said_ it.

It was so simple, in theory.

“Hello and welcome or welcome back to ‘Hybridge’, the channel where we bring humans and Hybrids together past stereotypes and societal expectations. Thank you for clicking on today’s video! I’m Jeno.”

“And I’m Guanheng, and this is today’s guest, Taeyong-Hyung.”

“Hi.” Taeyong gave the camera a tiny wave and Donghyuck was distracted from his internal turmoil for a second because it was cute.

He wanted Taeyong to know about his relationship because he had helped him, he looked up to him.

With that argument, he should also tell Doyoung, right?

And Taeil…

And so on.

It was a wicked cycle. Whatever Donghyuck tried, he couldn’t figure a right way out.

“We’ve collected your questions, thank you so much, please keep them coming. Many, many, many of them were about food and that’s a slightly complicated topic for some Hybrids, so the questions are very good and we want to answer them in detail. That’s why we have Taeyong-Hyung here today. In our household, we are 14 people, so cooking is a full-time job which Taeyong-Hyung is responsible for. He knows better than us and agreed to share his wisdom.”

“Knowing better than you isn’t difficult. If left to it, you’d be living off cookies and crisps,” Guanheng pointed out.

“I like vegetables… anyway. Food! Let’s clear up some misconceptions!”

In the end, Donghyuck let the opportunity slip again.

He wished he just had the courage. Why did he not? Why was this so terrifying even after he had already done it a few times now?

Tuesday, Haneul booked tickets.

From Incheon to Stewart Airport via JFK.

Donghyuck skipped lunch. Yet again.

Wednesday, Donghyuck had lost 0.9 kilograms.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry to me.” Jungwoo went over the blue cross on the chart until it was the same size as the other marks, “Look at this line.” He connected the other dots with his pen. “It always went up. Which is very good, but also difficult to keep up. Hardly any recovery always goes up. It’s perfectly normal to have a valley in between here.”

“But it’s really deep,” Donghyuck muttered. Compared to the small steps upwards, it was a major drop.

“It is, but probably because we didn’t have an appointment last week. This counts for two. If there was one between, it wouldn’t be so severe a drop. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is how to address this so we can get back into an upwards trend, okay?”

“Okay. I try. It’s difficult,” Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to be a failure.

“Understandable. Bad habits are so easy to fall back into, it’s quite unfair. Do you know why you lost weight? Did you skip meals again?”

Donghyuck nodded, not able to meet Jungwoo’s eyes.

“Why?”

“Anxiety. I feel sick, I just can’t.”

“Do you feel better if you don’t eat?”

“I mean… not really because I know I’ll lose weight.”

Jungwoo gave him time to consider. Donghyuck knew he could trust him and he knew it would be easier to get better if he was completely honest.

“But I guess overall I do because if I didn’t, I’d just eat. I really would.”

“I believe you, Donghyuck. Did you talk to your therapist about this yet?”

“No.”

“Do you feel comfortable doing that in the future?”

Donghyuck swallowed. There was ridiculously much to discuss with her.

How had he ever thought he didn’t need to go?

“Yeah, I will do that.”

“Since your stressors won’t go away any time soon, I think you need more coping mechanisms to deal with them. Other coping mechanisms, that is. I’ve read up on it because I want to give you better advice and care. I know there’s a reason why you don’t eat and it could be because it’s helping you to cope with anxiety. Just how reality is almost never black and white, it’s not an evil thing in every aspect per se.”

“No?”

“I don’t think so. The problem is just that it’s hurting you in other ways, which is why you cannot keep using it as a way to deal with stress. Maybe I was adding even more pressure by insisting and not offering an alternative for you to cope. Eating habits and disorders aren’t my fields of expertise. I’m sorry about that. It doesn’t change that it’s concerning and if you were to lose a lot of weight again, we might have to consider other options, but I will not be mad at you. I just want to make sure you’re as healthy as possible and for that, I need to monitor your weight.”

“I want to gain more weight, though. I hate being so bony, it’s ugly.” Donghyuck wrapped his fingers around his wrist. His thump’s tip reached past the first phalanx of his index finger even though he had small hands.

“Hm. I understand that, but I think saying so is not going to make it easier. I’m not an expert either, but how I see it, through telling yourself how you hate what you did to help unconsciously, you’re punishing yourself for doing your best to survive. Only because you survived, you can now focus on recovering healthily, but condemning what you did to get to this point is probably unfair towards yourself.”

Donghyuck took a deep breath. That was true, he had survived through using all these mechanisms even though they were bad. He had gotten through four months of college, he had gotten through the abuse and the aftermath, including the trial. He was still here and he should maybe thank his brain and body for sticking with him to this point.

It was very easy to fall back to negative thinking patterns. From hating his bony body, it was a small step to thinking he was to blame, trapping himself in guilt.

Jungwoo was right. Saying he hated how his body looked was only destroying the small budding confidence he had built up with so much effort. He had worked hard to love his tail again – he still couldn’t fully. He was still overcoming his heightened self-consciousness whenever he just walked down a street. He shouldn’t punish himself for such a small thing like being skinny.

“Have you tried yoga? This might sound silly, but I started doing yoga when I quit smoking. I heard it can be beneficial and I found it to be very relaxing.”

“Yoga?” Donghyuck looked up, surprised. He knew about the yoga because Jaemin had picked up the habit, but that had felt very distant and irrelevant for Donghyuck’s own life. “No, I generally don’t do sports.”

“Well, then it’s another reason to give it a shot. Let me see,” Jungwoo scooted back to the computer, moving the mouse to look into the tab where his current medication was documented. “I recommend two doses of reliever beforehand. Three if you have any problems. I’ll send you my favourite YouTuber so you have a place to start. She has beginner-friendly videos.”

So, Thursday morning, Donghyuck was doing yoga with Minjun. For his back-problems and for Donghyuck’s anxiety.

At least neither of them had a clue what they were doing and they just laughed together over their wobbly positions.

It became one fo the little things that helped Donghyuck to wiggle himself back into normal life.

He managed to get the visit at Kwon and Park defendants with Haneul over with.

He helped Jeno write next week’s video for ‘Hybridge’.

And he pushed the USB-stick with his finished applications into Ten’s hands, asking him if he could please print them. Or, better yet, send them off to the 25 universities he had written to.

Slowly, but quicker than last time, he returned to where he had been before getting knocked down again.

“Did you wait behind that or something?” Donghyuck smiled when Renjun opened the door to the goshiwon.

“No, in the kitchen,” Renjun shrugged.

“I brought the old flyers from Heaven yesterday.”

Renjun nodded and stepped aside to let Donghyuck in. The hallway was already becoming familiar. A young woman came from somewhere. She gave him two glances but tried to be subtle about it. Donghyuck ignored her.

“These were actually so cute,” Renjun muttered, examining the now-outdated material while walking.

“Doyoung-Hyung was adorable as a child. Nothing left now, so sad.”

Renjun snorted and folded it back up.

“He’s still pretty cute.”

“Nah, don’t see it.”

They had needed a photo to make it more personal and it had felt wrong to take a picture of some Hybrid who hadn’t consented to it being printed because no one had asked them. Because he had come to live with Taeil when he had been so little, they had used a picture of Doyoung instead – with his consent of course. In it, he was sitting at the desk in Taeil’s old-old flat in a checkered button-down, leaned over a workbook to fill in questions with his tongue peeking out in concentration. It was a very cute picture.

Renjun’s room was unchanged, save for the sheets. They were dark navy with stars, a present from Jungwoo and Taeil for a birthday many years ago. If Donghyuck thought about it, it was notable how many of the things standing and lying around had been given to Renjun by some of their shared friends or even Donghyuck himself.

He swallowed any comment. It would come out wrong and then not be a compliment to Renjun, he knew that after such a long time, so he could just keep it to himself and cooed in the privacy of his head.

Renjun had set the small stack down on his desk that was in a state between chaos and order.

They had no plan on what to do.

Sure, there were articles to write, interviews to answer, and appearances to coordinate, but they hadn’t met up to do that. Renjun had done his share in the morning and Donghyuck had seen his therapist.

They had met up to hang out, relax.

Donghyuck stroked down Renjun’s arm, finding his hand to hold before lacing their fingers together. Renjun squeezed back and turned in his spot to face him.

“How was your morning?”

“Okay…ish. I guess. Not as terrible as last time,” Donghyuck sighed and let Renjun gently pull him to sit on the bed. “I asked her about food, so that could get better. Maybe. I’ll try.”

“That sounds good. Hm… look at our hands. You got tanner last weekend.”

Donghyuck turned his eyes down to confirm what Renjun was talking about.

He wasn’t sure, it was difficult to track it on himself, but he did look nice and bronze. Since he noticed changes on Renjun more than he noticed them on any other person, it was probably the same the other way around.

“That is entirely possible.”

If he noticed his skin tanning, Renjun probably noticed all the things Donghyuck had no confidence in, too. Did he still think Donghyuck was attractive despite them? There was no obligation for Renjun to blindly accept every change in him, after all.

“Shut it, you dork. You look good, very handsome.”

Donghyuck smiled and warmth spread in his chest. He leaned closer.

“Thank you! You look like you slept, which makes you look even prettier than normal.”

“Hey!” Renjun pinched his waist and Donghyuck jerked away, laughing.

They somehow ended up sitting with their backs against the wall, fingers still intertwined and Renjun’s head on Donghyuck’s shoulder.

Donghyuck felt him trace patterns against the back of his hand.

“So, are you going to join the public viewing of Taeil’s interview tomorrow?” Renjun eventually broke the comfortable silence.

“Yeah, I already said so.”

“Oh, I must have missed that in the flooded chat. I kept wondering why you wouldn’t answer, I’m so dumb.”

“We don’t even have a TV and I cannot miss Doctor Moon on national TV, can I? Tell me when you worry, okay? I don’t want you to worry more than you probably really have to.” Donghyuck pushed a finger under Renjun’s chin to angle his head up.

Renjun had to worry a lot. It was clear in his dark eyes, full of a million emotions right now.

“I asked you now.”

“Okay. Ask me sooner next time. I want to be a good boyfriend for you and support you how you support me.”

Their noses touched and Donghyuck felt Renjun’s breath against his skin.

“You are a good boyfriend, Hyuckie. I love you.”

Donghyuck hummed.

Renjun’s lips on his were feather-light, asking for permission almost.

Donghyuck wanted to give it.

He needed to kiss Renjun, the one he loved.

So, he did and forgot about any possible worries to be had, catching Renjun’s lips between his own, holding onto him, one hand sneaking into his hair to push his head back just a little, granting Donghyuck a better angle.

It was perfect.

There was nothing better than kissing Renjun, feeling him under his hands and knowing Renjun loved and trusted him.

He jerked away when there was a sudden and sharp knock on the door.

“Who the hell is that?”

“Surprise guests?”

“Must be.”

Donghyuck wondered if it was the landlord. His stomach hurt a little imagining having to face him again.

They hadn’t made any noise, but he couldn’t help worrying to be accused of the same old thing yet again. He had been so happy the man had never shown his face around them again ever since the first encounter.

Maybe he should have remembered he was most likely still on Renjun’s ass? Had he watched the CCTV of the hallway and seen Donghyuck? Had he seen the reporting on the trial and now felt affirmed in his views only to become even worse because he felt like he could get away with it?

Renjun combed his fingers through his hair and straightened his shirt, which reminded Donghyuck to do the same.

“Do I look suspicious?” Renjun whispered.

“Not… too much.” Donghyuck wasn’t sure how much a random outsider would be able to even see. After all, most people didn’t stare at Renjun a lot and thus didn’t have his face memorised how he had.

He saw all the little hints, the dark lips, the slight flush to Renjun’s cheeks, and the blown pupils.

“Alright.” Before Donghyuck could pick more subtle differences, Renjun got up and was by the door within the two steps it took, opening it just enough to leave him hidden from view.

Donghyuck tried to take a deep breath but his lungs wouldn’t fully open, leaving him feeling like a weight was pressing down on him.

Who was it and what did they want?

“Ah, Injoon-ah, I thought you were not home. I was in the neighbourhood after the doctor’s visit and I was tired, so I decided to come here.”

That was not the landlord – which was a relief. But who was it then? Donghyuck tried to crane his neck to see who was speaking. From the voice, he could tell it was a woman, probably a bit older, but why would elderly women use Renjun as a place to rest?

“Why didn’t you go to a café?” Renjun coldly returned, not even showing a sign of moving to let whoever it was inside. Donghyuck sat back down, surprised by the unfriendly reaction.

“Aish, are you crazy? They charge you four times in Gangnam, have you already lost all reason? You’re here, so I came. Don’t be so disrespectful, I raised you to be better than this.”

Raised you?

Donghyuck felt the last of the happiness and giddy excitement from being close to Renjun drain from his body, getting replaced by cold dread.

That was his grandma, wasn’t it?

It explained the cold attitude. Donghyuck had never seen it happen. Renjun kept his family strictly to himself, but just from what he had been told, it suddenly all fit and made sense.

“I live here, this is not open to the public. At least ask before just barging in here.” What could have been jokingly said, was now dead serious, almost out of character for Renjun who would usually never turn anyone looking for help down.

Donghyuck had not expected that. He hadn’t been able to imagine it could be like this within a family.

He knew Renjun. He was confident he did, he had spent so many years with him, they had been through so much together. He also knew this Renjun, this cold and indifferent one, who was the stage before the angry, scary one who’d mercilessly take his opponents down.

“The public? I’m not the public! Stop being rude and selfish and show some manners.”

Donghyuck felt anger rise in his chest. How dare she suggested his boyfriend was selfish? That was _absolutely_ ridiculous, Renjun was anything but and she should know that best!

He wanted her to apologise and never do this again. She was his grandma and shouldn’t unjustifiedly say such accusatory words to him simply for her own benefit. _That_ was selfish!

Before he could decide on what to do, Renjun’s grandmother had already pushed Renjun aside and marched past him. Donghyuck saw him clench his jaw, but he let her do it.

He understood. It couldn’t be easy, but he wouldn’t want to be all these things she accused him of. With your family, it must be difficult to decide to cut them out because they were toxic, rather, you’d swallow the hurt down to keep them in your life, hoping it’d get better.

Donghyuck met eyes with her and stood up to greet her, but the same second he did, she started screaming.

“Injoon! What is that _th-thing_? Why is that here? In your room? Did _you_ bring that here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Either South Korean doesn’t have any weekly political talk shows or they know how to hide them well from my highly professional google keywords. ANYWAY bc I couldn’t be bothered to look up anything else, I just stole the name of a very well known German political talk show for Taeil to appear in.

That…

That _thing_?

The word echoed in his head, his ears ringing from how loud she was, hammering her opinion into his mind.

“He’s not a thing, he’s a person!” Renjun roared back and Donghyuck shrunk onto the bed again, hoping to pull himself out of the crossfire.

He wanted to leave. This was scary. Renjun had warned him, but he had been ignorant and not realised how right he had been.

He had not been able to imagine it.

“I do _not_ want you involved with this! Your grandfather and I accept that you have that useless little hobby of yours to pay for your education, but this is absolutely unacceptable, Injoon! You will make it go and then you will tell me that all this homosexual nonsense will have an end. We’ve accepted way too much of that already, but this is too far!”

“Shut up!”

“No! It is _disgusting_! This is _not_ normal! What is next? I _always_ knew they were right with their warnings about what disturbed abominations claiming to just innocently live their lifestyle homosexuals truly were. I should have known! I do not want you to be one of them! This is bestiality, you’re keeping an _animal_ for your own… I won’t even say it, Injoon! It’s repugnant! And with a male, of course, aren’t you ashamed of what you’re choosing to do? Have we not taught you better? For you to bring such disgrace on the family, don’t you ever think about _us_?”

“ _You_ are disgusting! How dare you compare a Hybrid to an animal, have you not listened to a single word I said over the last four years? To even think how you do is repulsive to me! I don’t choose any of this! You are the ones who don’t care about _me_ or you would _try_ to understand!”

“Stop being so selfish, Injoon! How blinded are you by these fleshly pleasures you’ve given into? It’s a cat! There is _no_ difference! Hybrids were made to serve us! They’re _below_ us, that’s what was intended! I want you to send it away! For what this could be good for, you are _not_ to have one! Come to your senses or is your blood so rotten you cannot be raised to be better?”

She had to stop.

She had to stop saying this to Renjun.

The insults towards Hybrids? It wasn’t new. Donghyuck knew people thought like this. There were tons of them, unfortunately, some may be stuck in ignorance, others just needed to know there was someone they could put themselves above to feel better about their own shortcomings.

But she had to stop saying this to Renjun, how _could_ she?

Donghyuck felt like he had been so stupid.

He had understood when Renjun had said he couldn’t come out. But he had not really. He hadn’t even grasped half of it, not even until ten minutes ago had he truly understood.

The reluctance to speak about his family, why he couldn’t speak Mandarin well even though his name and his heritage were Chinese, and maybe even why he burnt so much for using his voice to make a positive change.

Donghyuck was only now truly learning.

But it hurt.

It hurt that the one he loved was treated like this, yelled at, disrespected, unloved, forced to deny his entire self, shamed for things he couldn’t change.

If it was the names, he could take it.

He was strong.

He had been called all of them before, he knew she wouldn’t be able to make something new up. She had no such power over him.

He was _stronger_!

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing that it would appear there are some misconceptions about Hybrids in your arguments.” Donghyuck had stood up from the bed and put on the smile he used to disarm those who wanted to blindly rage and hate.

He pushed himself between Renjun and his grandmother, shielding him.

“So, actually, the original intention was to design an equal companion, though, admittedly, with the problematic underlying concept of ownership. Hybrids should be there for those who wouldn’t have anyone else if not for them. People with poor social skills, people with stressful jobs, children, or elderly people could finally have someone that’d unconditionally be with them. We definitely have a lot to unpack there, however, it was originally clear Hybrids were modelled to be like humans.

“Almost.

“I admit, there are slight differences, but then again, so are there between different humans, right? Oh, my name is Lee Donghyuck, it’s nice to meet you, Mrs Park. Would you like a flyer? I know Renjun has something on every topic! I’d love to go over the original papers written before the first genetic engineering ever took place with you. They’re super interesting and they’ve shaken up quite a few world-views before.”

Donghyuck ended with a beam. It was fake and he was suppressing a tremble in his entire body, only letting it show in his fingers, but it didn’t matter.

He wasn’t like these people who were fuelled by hate.

Renjun’s grandmother, Mrs Park, stared up at him, apparently unable to find words.

Suddenly, an entire stack of flyers was pressed into Donghyuck’s hands and he looked up at Renjun, his eyes shiny with tears and lips pressed together tightly.

It didn’t need to be said. Renjun had not given up on his grandparents. Had he, he could have cut off all contact when he had started university.

He hoped they’d finally understand him, accept him… love him.

“Wonderful, thank you, Renjun.” The fourth tone was difficult, still, but Donghyuck tried his best to make it roll off his tongue how it was supposed to.

He knew It made a difference for Renjun.

“Alright ummmm, ah, this is the one I was talking about. I know the number of different hand-outs seems ridiculous and these are only the ones concerning sentience, emotional complexity, and intelligence. There’s a lot to educate on, but it’s very important to me – and to others. It is quite insulting it’s still taught cat and bunny Hybrids don’t even experience emotions. It’s not true, of course. We even have pro-“

“Nonsense. This is nonsense, what kind of circus play is this?”

Donghyuck didn’t even let his smile waver. It wasn’t the first time this was happening. He was stronger than ignorant words spoken with the pure intention to hurt him.

“It’s neither. It’s scientific facts. I know it seems surprising at first, but that’s the beauty of intelligence, we can process new and conflicting information and then make a new, more educated judgement on a situation.”

She opened her mouth.

Then she closed it.

Donghyuck knew he had backed her into a corner because if she argued with him, she’d discredit herself, but this was really not up for debate!

“You’re welcome to take these with you if you’d prefer that. I think most are quite self-explanatory. If any questions arise, I’d love to have another talk with you, but Renjun, of course, is also very knowledgeable. I’m sure as your grandson, he must mean a lot to you and you must cherish his work and value his opinions.”

Donghyuck was no fool. He was sure none of that was the case. He wished he wasn’t so certain about that, but he realised that he’d be hiding in blissful ignorance if he closed his eyes to the unfairness done to his boyfriend.

Renjun’s grandmother slowly accepted the colourful flyers he held her way. She eyed them critically, but then she opened her purse and orderly put them inside, making sure they didn’t bend.

She glanced over at Renjun and so did Donghyuck, seeing he had observed them from two steps away, as far as possible in a room this small.

“I will see what I think about them,” she finally announced, straightening up. “I’ll take my leave now. Don’t forget lunch tomorrow, Injoon.”

“I remember,” Renjun returned and she nodded, then turned, and with a mere two steps, she was out the door how she had come in.

The bang seemed louder than normal when it fell shut behind her. It echoed in Donghyuck’s head, together with the hurtful words she had said.

“Fuck.”

Donghyuck was brought back to reality by Renjun’s shaky whisper.

“Hey, are you okay? I’m so sorry she said that to you.” His hands found Renjun’s arms immediately, stroking up until he could cup Renjun’s face.

“Me? Donghyuck, you! I’m so sorry about what she said to you. That was absolutely disgusting and wrong and I feel like punching something because I’m so angry.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve become pretty resistant to such bigotry again over the last months – also thanks to you. But because of you, I couldn’t have sat back. It hurt so much worse to hear what she said to you.”

A first tear rolled down Renjun’s cheek, over Donghyuck’s fingers, slowly losing momentum until it just ended as a wet streak – only to be followed by another.

Donghyuck didn’t have any words to say that would ever convey what he felt, so he just leaned in to kiss Renjun, slow, careful, how he deserved to be kissed. Renjun kissed back, his hands finding purchase on Donghyuck’s arms where he held on.

He wanted Renjun to rely on him. It just felt right to be his support!

“Thank you. You’re incredible, you know that?” Renjun whispered when they pulled apart.

“Not for this.”

“Yes, you are, just accept it, you blockhead! She never… never took one before, a flyer, I mean, Donghyuck, never. She… she took them, all of them, from you. I… almost didn’t believe it but she did and maybe she’ll actually read them, possibly think about them. And if she’d start questioning this, she could start questioning more, her view on other sexualities, on other nationalities, if just this first, most difficult step, could be taken, it could change everything!”

“Maybe, but it’s not me who’d be responsible for that.”

“I know, but at the same time you are because _you_ were the one to finally, finally, _finally_ make her just pick up a flyer to read. Because no one is like you in swaying people regardless of how cemented into their world view they are! How you disarmed her with your smile, it was so brave and you were so strong and to know you did it for me, I…” Renjun broke off into a heart-breaking sob. Donghyuck tried to rub his tears away but it was a futile effort because there were too many now.

He hated it when Renjun cried, but he understood it helped. He would never want him to feel like he couldn’t show this side. Never!

So he pulled him into a hug, letting his t-shirt soak up Renjun’s tears as he stroked over his back and just let him figure everything out.

Because there was a lot to figure out when you were faced with such hatred and disgust from the ones who should love and support you.

Renjun wasn’t selfish.

He was kind and compassionate, to the point that he’d still give his grandmother a chance to make it right even after what she had said – what she probably kept saying over and over.

“I love you,” Donghyuck whispered while he kept caressing Renjun’s back. He had not just made an empty promise to Renjun’s parents. He would be here for Renjun and tell him he loved him until he’d never forget. “I love you.”

Feeling Renjun shake as he cried, Donghyuck thought…

He had to finally let everyone know about them.

Anyone who’d not let him love whom he loved, he couldn’t be friends with that person until they’d at least give them a chance.

Renjun didn’t deserve to be hidden, not when he had been this brave to come out and faced these consequences for just being himself.

It shouldn’t be so difficult to say these few words.

Donghyuck had been told he was gifted with the ability to speak.

In all actuality, Donghyuck thought he mainly knew how to address people because he loved being amongst people.

Addressing a group of his closest friends suddenly seemed more difficult than addressing a group of perfect strangers, though.

Donghyuck wanted to plan ahead, but he couldn’t. A good conversation lived from the back and forth.

He had no way to predict their reactions, at least not with enough certainty.

A few arguments, Donghyuck prepared.

The ones he knew, such as the power imbalances, the dependence, the differences between Hybrid and human instincts.

Everything else, he’d have to face as it hit him.

“You have to raise your expectations in people,” Donghyuck told his reflection.

“Do I _want_ to know what’s going on?” Mark glanced over, then returned to his weird grimace so he could shave.

Donghyuck would still never encourage him to let that sad moustache grow.

“I want to let everyone know Renjun and I are dating. He deserves to be shown off because he’s wonderful. I met his grandmother yesterday and that gave me the push I needed to finally get over myself.”

“When?” Mark put his razor down. He was half done and Donghyuck had to snort when he turned, face all serious but half the white foam moustache still under his nose.

“Come on, Hyuck. Until I can grow a full beard, this is the reality we have to live with,” Mark whined and turned to quickly finish the rest.

“I’m very glad they engineered or bred that out of my genes. Back to your question… tonight. We’ll do the public viewing of Harsh But Fair, so everyone will be assembled but no one else will be listening. I’m not sure about everyone else, but I might just write texts, I don’t know. Doing a tour seems a bit overdramatic. It’s just a relationship, right? I’d rather they get a text than they find out via someone else, but I think that should suffice. Probably. Yeah.”

Donghyuck took a quick deep breath. He was nervous, but not as cripplingly anxious as he had been just last week.

Progress.

“Okay, so I’ll be there. Good.”

“Mark, are you my babysitter?”

Mark grumbled something. He rinsed the razor. He dried his face.

Donghyuck kept glaring holes into his skull.

“Listen, I won’t say anything if you don’t need me to. I just want to be there because I don’t want to let you fend all alone – especially since I was also part of the problem. I want to make that right. If anything I said in the past out of ignorance and, well, I guess anger, changed anyone’s mind or is the reason why they wouldn’t give you and Injoon a chance, then I’d be sure to revoke that statement and hopefully change their mind.”

There was a pause during which Donghyuck looked for words.

“That’s so mature and to think you dyed your hair green just a couple of months ago.”

“Oh my god, will I _ever_ live this down?”

“Um… no,” Donghyuck laughed and pushed Mark by bumping his hips into his.

Mark shoved him in return, but Donghyuck didn’t care to scrap.

“Now we only have to hope Taeil-Hyung’s appearance will go well.”

“Huh? What should go wrong, though?”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

I sounded like a very dumb thing to say, like he had certainly jinxed himself – and the undeserving Taeil.

There was a lot that could go wrong. The more he thought about it, the more things came to mind.

The show invited five guests each week, many from politics, some experts in their field. Usually, they had been on tv before or were known through something.

Okay, Taeil was also known, but Donghyuck hadn’t been born yesterday. He was fully aware Hybrid medicine was looked down upon as the low-effort and easy little sister of the other three medical disciplines.

Maybe rightfully – which was why Taeil had even started to stand up and make a change.

Most people didn’t realise the full extent of all of that, though.

Taeil had been on tv before, but this was a huge show.

What if…

No. No, he had to stop thinking negatively! Taeil knew what he was doing, he was a good speaker and extremely knowledgeable. He didn’t let arguments get under his skin because of his scientific way of thinking.

Donghyuck was quite sure Taeil had some secret superpower that let him always be on top of everything or maybe he just had it organised so no one ever knew he was overwhelmed.

There was no way Taeil wouldn’t know how to handle any situation that would come up. So, it could go wrong, sure, but Taeil would be able to handle it! There!

He had to stop having useless panic.

Which was easier said than done, Donghyuck knew fully well.

But by now, he had some ways to break his detrimental trains of thought - the first of which being hugs and cuddling, the second being Candy Crush.

Mark was at the gym, Haneul was shopping, and Minjun was doing his back-exercises, so Candy Crush it was.

However, when Donghyuck turned his phone on, an e-mail notification caught his attention.

There were a few selected people who sent him e-mails. The first one was his college, the second was scammers who wanted his bank information, and the third was Mrs Jung or her minions.

His college e-mails were the most unpleasant, but it was unlikely anyone at New York would be up at this time and send out anything. It could be yet another scam. Or, most likely, Mrs Jung. She had sent e-mails on Saturdays before. Even Sundays.

He worried what important information she would be working the weekend for and he hesitated to even pull the menu down to see if it was bad news.

Donghyuck took a deep breath. The hearing in New York was only a week from now, if it was something urgent, he shouldn’t procrastinate and clear it up quickly. It was his responsibility since he got the chance to defend himself!

Before he could change his mind and delete the notification without even checking the sender, he blindly tapped to open it

_From: Unknown <bae.joohyun@yonsei-university.kr>_

_Application Bachelor of Science, Physics_

Donghyuck screamed and threw his phone.

Only a second later, the door to his and Mark’s room was ripped open.

“Donghyuck! What’s wrong?”

He looked up, heart racing.

“I- I- e-mail! From Yonsei Uni! I’ve got an e-mail from Doctor Bae, the teacher Yerim-Noona suggested I send my application to!”

Minjun sighed deeply, relaxing where he was still in the door as Donghyuck repeated that in his head until he believed it.

He had gotten feedback to his application and within two days.

It could be a refusal, though…

He wouldn’t know until he checked and curiosity was much stronger than any worry to have been rejected. Donghyuck found his phone between his pillows.

“And? What does she write?”

Donghyuck unlocked the screen.

“I don’t know.”

His eyes flew over the text.

_Dear Lee Donghyuck,_

_I’ve received your unusual application and I was very impressed by what you wrote. Our chair stands for excellence and diversity. Professor Choi and I would like to invite you to an interview in which we could look into options for you to achieve the necessary qualifications for the Bachelor of Science in Physics program at Yonsei University. Please get in touch with our secretary office, the contact information is listed below._

_Kind regards,_

_Dr Bae Joohyun_

The bed dipped when Minjun sat down and tried to read the screen. Donghyuck just wordlessly turned his phone. Tears choked him up.

Happy tears.

It wasn’t a letter of acceptance, far from it.

But it wasn’t a letter of refusal either.

On the contrary. They wanted to meet up to help him achieve what he was lacking so he could be accepted in the future.

“Oh, Donghyuckie, that’s wonderful! And so fast, too! Congratulations, I’m so unbelievably proud of you!”

Donghyuck heard himself make a weird noise between sob and laugh as he fell into Minjun’s arms.

“Thank you! I couldn’t ever do this without you!”

“Mm, that’s our job as your parents. You were the one putting in all the work, our little world-changer.” Minjun ruffled his hair and a giggle bubbled in Donghyuck’s chest.

Yes, he was.

And it felt so good.

He felt like himself. Confident, smart, and brave. Ready to change the world.

This was definitely something he would boast about. They’d not hear the end of this, he was so incredibly happy and also pretty proud of himself.

After all, he wouldn’t even have expected himself to be able to do this just ten days ago when he had felt like the world had ended with the verdict.

It had not. There was a future and there were more people who knew the future would be better if it was inclusive.

Donghyuck was still running on the energy and confidence boost by evening.

It was like someone had flipped a switch to turn his anxiety off and while he knew it’d be back eventually, he would do everything he could to make this last for as long as he could and enjoy it.

Not even his decision to reveal his and Renjun’s relationship seemed scary. It was almost surreal how confident he felt and while he hadn’t been in such high spirits in a long time, it was like coming home.

“Hello!” He yelled when the door opened with the second number combination he tried for the lock.

A second later, Jeno almost fell into the entrance hall.

“Are you kidding?” He groaned and Donghyuck grinned.

“What?”

“Can you not wait for three seconds like any normal guest?”

“Um… no!”

Donghyuck never had when he had been younger and it was still fun!

“Thank god, AC,” Mark sighed behind himself and Donghyuck had to agree. August was slowly becoming more bearable, but he couldn’t wait for the cooler air of autumn to come.

Yes, it’d be sad that Mark, Haneul, and Minjun would have to leave, but they wouldn’t be gone forever. Donghyuck would still be here, in Seoul, home, with Johnny, his friends, and, maybe most importantly even though he loved Johnny a lot, Renjun.

Renjun, who deserved to be proudly shown off, which Donghyuck planned to do from this day on!

However, when they entered the living room, where the sofas in front of the TV had been turned into a fortress to comfortably seat the big audience, Renjun was curled up in the corner of one with Xiaojun wrapped around him and petting his back.

Donghyuck’s heart sunk.

He had written with him earlier and Renjun had been very short-spoken. It had felt wrong to pry for more information via text, but Donghyuck had immediately known what was up: his grandparents.

He just hadn’t realised it had been _this_ bad.

He hurried to greet everyone and then climbed onto the armrest next to Renjun.

“Hey, you look like three weeks rain,” he pointed out. Not like there was any privacy here anyway, but at least everyone pretended not to eavesdrop.

To most Hybrids, including himself, it was difficult to understand how homosexuality could be a problem, but that didn’t mean they didn’t still see it and realised how different it was for humans.

After Friday, Donghyuck felt like he was able to grasp the severity of it all a whole lot better.

He vividly recalled the hope Renjun had had, how excited he had been, giving his grandparents yet another new chance… only for them to throw it away, it seemed.

“Sorry. I don’t mean to ruin the mood,” Renjun muttered, but his face remained hidden behind his arms.

“You’re not, it’s okay to be sad,” Xiaojun assured him and Donghyuck hummed in agreement

He snuck his arm around Renjun, hoping to make him feel better somehow. He felt small. Well. Renjun was quite small, but he could make himself appear bigger. Especially with the confidence he had started to wear like an accessory, he was hard to ignore.

Right now, that was missing, leaving just a small and fragile young man without a family.

Donghyuck wished he could just give Renjun that, but even if he was welcome at his home, it was not the same. He wished it was, but he knew their relationship automatically blocking that road.

“Taeyong-Hyung is making carrot bunnies,” Jaemin settled on the backrest and held up two orange bunnies. They were cute. “Do you want one, Injoonie? They’re soooo healthy and cute!”

Renjun nodded, small but visible, and Jaemin used Donghyuck to balance himself on as he leaned forward over the couch. He snuck the carrot past Renjun’s arm, the general direction of his mouth.

“That’s my nose, Nana,” Renjun muttered after a second.

Donghyuck burst into laughter which Xiaojun and Jaemin immediately joined and, finally, Renjun also chuckled softly.

Donghyuck loved the sound of it so much. He wanted to make it right for Renjun, so he could be confident despite the circumstances, just how Renjun made it right for Donghyuck.

Because he loved him.

Renjun took the carrot and it crunched loudly when he bit down. Finally, he looked up, still chewing.

His eyes were swollen and red and Donghyuck immediately reached out to softly stroke a finger down his cheek.

After a second, he realised what he was doing and hurried to pull away, hoping it hadn’t seemed weird.

He didn’t want Renjun to hurt. He wished he could undo it, somehow keep him safe from all fo this, but that seemed impossible.

Another thought crossed his mind.

Would Renjun want him to tell today? When he was visibly already hurt?

But more than ever, Donghyuck wished it was already in the open because he didn’t want to hold back how he had to. He wanted to give Renjun all the extra attention and soothing, but he couldn’t without making it weird.

Right now, they were still just friends publically and friends just didn’t do certain things even if Hybrids showed their platonic love a lot more physically than humans usually did. There was still a massive difference between a friend and a lover.

“Do you have a second? I have a question. A private question,” Donghyuck whispered and Renjun nodded, collecting himself off the sofa.

He still had ¾ of a carrot bunny in his hand, not letting go of it.

Donghyuck decided to hide away in the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.

“What happened? Was it bad with your grandparents? Did something go wrong?” Finally, he could step into Renjun’s personal space, scanning every last detail in his face. New tears were shining in his eyes and Donghyuck once more wished he could take the pain away.

“Yeah. Pretty. I…” Renjun took a shuddering breath. “I guess I’m not you. It was just a mess. My grandmother told my grandfather she had found you and they came to all the wrong conclusions and… urgh. I just… wished they could stop or I could stop hoping they will stop because they don’t seem to. When she took the flyers from you, I thought this would be it, but I was wrong, of course. I expect too much of them, which sucks even worse.”

Donghyuck stroked his thumbs over Renjun’s cheek softly.

“I’m sorry it’s like that. I… don’t think I understand. But I still wished it wouldn’t be like this.”

“Thank you. I think… for the first time, I thought it would be better to cut them out of my life. That’s the only way I can think of to make this better for myself,” Renjun sniffed and Donghyuck saw how crushing that idea was – despite how poorly he was treated, this was still his family.

“That’s a very fair consideration.”

“But is it? They took me in and raised me when my parents died even though they didn’t want to.”

Renjun looked so incredibly lost, so insecure and scared.

Donghyuck wished he could provide him with a map, but he couldn’t.

“But they hurt you. A lot and all the time. I don’t think you owe them since they are the ones who don’t accept you how you are. They don’t even want _you_ right now, they want their idea of Renjun.”

“No, they want their idea of _Injoon_ ,” Renjun muttered.

Yes, that was probably right. The words of his grandmother calling his blood rotten echoed in Donghyuck’s head.

How could she be so cruel?

He felt Renjun’s hand on his neck, pulling him down until he could kiss him and Donghyuck let him.

He loved kissing Renjun, he loved licking into his mouth and sucking on his tongue and gently biting down on his lip and it was so easy to let Renjun return it today. The fear of losing control was small enough to keep in check and Renjun was nothing but careful and gentle.

“I love you, okay? I want to hammer it into your head how much I love you and I know everyone here also loves you, though each in different ways, so, so much because you’re so, so lovable.”

Renjun nodded softly and Donghyuck was relieved to see most of the upset had disappeared off his face, leaving a small flush to his cheeks that looked a little wild together with the red eyes.

“I love you, too, really, seriously, how are you even real to be doing all this for me when I should provide the support?”

“You did provide it. That’s why I can give back now.”

“Still.”

Donghyuck grinned and kissed him again.

Today was just right. And being with Renjun helped it to be even more right.

“I wanted to tell everyone. Today. That I love you because I want to get to be obnoxiously lovey-dovey with you whenever I want, too.”

“I swear if you kiss me in front of people how Jeno does Jaemin, you will regret that!” Renjun glared and Donghyuck snickered. “But tell them, okay? I’m done hiding.”

And for the first time, Donghyuck believed he truly understood what stopping to hide meant to Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all pretend I didn't forget to update yesterday...

Admittedly, Donghyuck should have maybe planned better. He had thought he had been well prepared by coming up with his little arguments, but he had forgotten the main part where he’d have to _tell_ people.

On the other hand, he had already said this two times, or three if he counted Ten, so how difficult could it be?

“Eherm…”

It was going _great_.

There were 13 pairs of eyes on him and that didn’t exactly help the situation.

Maybe later would be better?

Yeah, as if.

He had 10 minutes left before the show would start, but he couldn’t stand here for five minutes and let his anxiety completely overwhelm him!

Today was ideal. He felt confident and comfortable – as much as he ever would in a situation as stressful as this.

Renjun deserved to finally have this.

 _He_ deserved to finally have this.

Donghyuck took a deep breath.

He’d have to face it sooner or later.

“Renjun and I are a couple. We’ve been dating for longer now and we hope you’ll support us!”

It was hard to even keep looking around their small audience and see their reactions. Donghyuck’s stomach ached when he realised how many faces fell – not in harmless surprise, but just in pure shock.

He quickly reached to take Renjun’s hand, just to make sure he was there.

“How ni-“

“This is a joke, isn’t it? Tell me this is a joke!” Jaemin rose from the sofa, eyes flitting between their two faces, then down to their hands, then up again.

He was angry.

Donghyuck felt Renjun squeeze his hand, but it didn’t help. It was like someone had dunked him in cold water.

He had _known_ there would be negative reactions.

And yet…

“It’s not a joke, that would be in pretty poor taste, wouldn’t it?” Renjun returned, voice soft but the edge it got when he got heated already bleeding into it.

Donghyuck didn’t want them to fight.

“This entire thing is in poor taste, are you _fucking kidding_ me?”

He didn’t want Jaemin to say anything mean.

He wanted everyone to support them, but, of course, he knew that was a childish wish.

“It’s okay, let’s talk about it, no need to raise your voice,” Kun tried to cut in, but Jaemin wasn’t going to let himself be stopped. He marched towards them and Donghyuck couldn’t help the way his hair stuck up and he shrank away.

He was scared.

Jaemin exuded aggression and he was coming right towards him.

When he took another step back, he hit the tv and the wall.

Within the blink of an eye, Renjun was in front of him and three people had grabbed Jaemin, holding him back.

“This is not how we handle disagreements, Jaemin!” Doyoung’s voice left no room to argue, but Jaemin was unimpressed and tried to break free.

“Disagreements? This is not a disagreement, this is _betrayal_! What are you doing? You _aren’t_ allowed to do this! You _don’t_ belong together!”

Donghyuck hid behind Renjun.

He felt like crying.

Why Jaemin, out of everyone?

He had feared it’d be like this.

“And you get to decide that? Very interesting!” Jeno unexpectedly butted in.

“Nana, I understand this is weird and seems unwise, but I think you’re being a little harsh maybe,” Taeyong tried.

“Harsh? That’s your friends over there, do you even realise what you’re doing?” Ten snapped.

“We had all agreed humans and Hybrids don’t date. And now they do it, that’s not okay! It’s _unfair_!” Jaemin spat back.

“I _never_ agreed with that!” Renjun pointed out.

“Yeah, you and Guanheng were the ones always saying that because of my exes, but thanks for letting me realise how poorly you really think of me for having dated them. Very encouraging, you know, maybe I should add _you_ to my list of exes so you realise you’re _not always right_!” Jeno’s voice had grown louder and louder until he was yelling and Donghyuck felt his fingers starting to shake so badly, he could hardly hold onto Renjun anymore.

No.

No, please, no.

He didn’t want this!

“Okay, listen, I have a _good_ reason for my opinion that I don’t think Hybrids and humans work out.”

“How about we all calm down and sit down and talk about this?”

“How about we all stop behaving like cavemen and stop _hurting_ our traumatised _friends_ by _threatening_ them?”

“Friends, who didn’t even tell me _anything_ , yeah, _great_! Let go of me! I’m leaving!”

“So, that’s the actual issue, they didn’t tell you?”

But Jaemin’s footsteps were already thundering towards the door.

It crashed shut and Donghyuck startled in his place.

For a few heartbeats, there was total silence.

Then, Jeno sniffed and Renjun turned and Donghyuck was forced to catch up to reality.

“Hey, hey, are you okay? Are you going to faint or something?” Renjun’s brows furrowed.

Ten appeared next to him, then Mark, then Johnny.

“Someone-someone has to go after Na-Nana or he’ll get lost forever!” Donghyuck stuttered, his entire body trembling.

Jaemin had to come back! Please!

“Yuta and Doyoung have already left. You do look very pale, let’s sit down, okay?” Johnny smiled. A second later, Donghyuck was already being manoeuvred over to the sofa. He was sat down next to Mark, who wrapped an arm around his shoulders, soothing him.

“I’ll get you some water, Hyuckie,” Johnny softly announced.

“Do you want some candy? Chocolate?” Ten gently asked.

Donghyuck took a shaky breath and nodded. That all sounded good.

He heard Taeyong and Kun comforting Jeno. Renjun kneeled in front of him and took his hand again. It helped him to regain control over his body and stop the shaking.

The sofa dipped next to him and when he glanced over, it was Jaehyun.

“Do you want cuddles?”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck muttered. He knew it’d help him feel better and Jaehyun was a cuddle-monster, unlike both the humans trying their best right now.

He wasn’t disappointed. Jaehyun was big and managed to ruffle his hair just right, making him feel safe and comfortable.

“Um, so. I wanted to say I’ll definitely support you because I think you’re really cute together. Yeah. Also, I already knew but I didn’t know how to tell you since you kept it a secret, but now I feel really bad.”

“You knew?” Donghyuck asked softly. It felt good to hear this, but it only helped a little bit.

“Yeah, so, remember when you were in Jeno’s and my room? I kinda heard and then I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended I hadn’t. I didn’t tell anyone, I swear, not even Taeil-Hyung!”

Donghyuck chuckled weakly because he remembered thinking he had been miraculously lucky.

“Thanks. We were… wary,” Renjun ruffled his own hair and stroked his thumb over Donghyuck’s hand. The shaking had stopped, but Donghyuck still held on tight, grateful for the support everyone was giving him.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun muttered and looked around as he pulled away.

Donghyuck followed his eyes.

When he accidentally met Xiaojun’s, the other quickly looked away.

_That hadn’t been by chance._

Donghyuck swallowed. Jaemin’s rage had overshadowed everything else, but he had seen how everyone had reacted. He had seen those whose faces had been void of understanding. He just didn’t know what to do about that – if he could even do anything because as he let his eyes drag over the others, he realised Guanheng was nowhere to be found anymore.

Donghyuck had been so sure he had made him reconsider.

Well, reconsider maybe, but that didn’t mean he’d end up changing his mind.

“The show is starting, by the way. We should turn the volume on,” he pointed out when he realised the opening was playing on the screen that was still flickering in the background.

He had come here to watch tv after all. He didn’t want to ruin this for everyone who was excited to see Taeil.

Though it might be too late now.

It seemed no one really knew what to do.

Sicheng wordlessly turned the volume up and Jaehyun made space for Renjun to sit next to Donghyuck, still holding his hand.

Ten had actually found chocolate in the household Taeyong ran and Donghyuck tried a piece. It was sweet and soothing, but not enough to make anything better.

Johnny gave him a glass of water and it felt refreshing, but not enough to make anything better.

Mark tapped his leg and Donghyuck looked over, seeing his forehead wrinkled in worry.

“Are you okay?” He mouthed.

Okay?

No.

Donghyuck shrugged.

He had hoped this would not happen, but he wasn’t as surprised as he could have been. It still hurt, but he’d just have to deal.

“Sorry.”

“It’s not you who stormed off,” Donghyuck whispered and turned back to the screen because he didn’t have anything else to add to that. The only person who could solve this was Jaemin and Jaemin was gone.

_“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Today, we will be addressing the question everyone has been talking about for the last week: Are Hybrids mistreated or are we over-glorifying our pets?”_

“The fuck?” Ten complained.

As long as this was still acceptable, they had a long way to go. Normally, Donghyuck would already be fed up and ready to write e-mails to the authors of the show, but he couldn’t find it in himself; he couldn’t even really focus.

 _“Here to join us are our five guests of the week. Please welcome Doctor Moon Taeil, Hybrid doctor and book author, advocating for the same medical treatment as humans for Hybrids._ ”

The camera focussed on Taeil, who smiled, looking kind and professional.

“He looks like he’s wearing eyeliner.”

“Do you think?”

“Definitely make-up, his black circles are gone!”

“Hyung, your collar is crooked! Why did you not straighten that?”

Donghyuck tried to focus on the crooked collar, but he couldn’t see what Taeyong found wrong with it.

He should be listening closely and see what the other guests had to say, as some of them were here to argue they’d best keep the status-quo. This was very important.

But his attention was slipping.

It went back to Jaemin, bi-coloured eyes full of rage, saying they didn’t belong together, saying they had betrayed him.

Was it how Doyoung had said? Was the issue that they hadn’t told him?

That very reaction was why, but Donghyuck knew Jaemin might not see that. He should have done it differently, as his friend. He felt like he was to blame.

Just, how?

If he had made an exception for Jaemin, what about Jeno? What about Yangyang who still didn’t even know?

Would Yangyang also be angry?

What about Xiaojun? He hadn’t exploded into Donghyuck’s face, but he had been one of those who obviously had an issue.

The guests had finished their opening statements and now the moderator started bouncing questions between them, but Donghyuck didn’t hear the words, they went in one ear, out the other.

Jaemin might be lost somewhere in Seoul, but Guanheng had probably just gone to his room.

He could rewatch the video later, he wasn’t paying any attention anyway.

He pulled away from Renjun, who looked up in surprise.

“Gotta clear some things up,” Donghyuck whispered and climbed over the backrest.

No one stopped him and he softly closed the door behind himself, then walked down the hall and up the stairs.

He knocked on the door to Guanheng’s room.

“Hey, it’s me.”

For a second, there was silence, then a “come in” returned.

Donghyuck granted himself access and immediately found Guanheng, sitting on his bed and playing on his phone. He seemed to pause and looked up.

“You said you’d think about it,” Donghyuck burst out, unable to think of any idle small talk when this question was driving him insane.

“I did.”

Donghyuck whined and flopped onto the bed.

“You did? So? What conclusion did you come to? Don’t leave me hanging, everything went terrible already, this sucks! I wanted to be open, but then I did it wrong again!”

Guanheng shrugged.

“I said I’d give you a chance, right? I’ll give you one, but I’m not in support.”

Donghyuck stared at the wall, nibbling on his lip.

He thought about Jaemin again.

Then about Jeno.

Then about his words.

“Maybe I’m expecting too much, but it _sucks_ to be told you don’t belong with your boyfriend. So much.”

Guanheng hummed.

“I was shocked by Nana’s words, too. I don’t necessarily feel that way, I’m just not in support.”

“It’s difficult for me to differentiate between that! What else should we be doing to appease everyone? We’ve considered it so carefully, yet the reactions were terrible! This shit is terrifying, who decided Hybrids and humans don’t belong together, when did we become this narrowminded?”

“Humans decided that.”

“Humans also decided we don’t have emotions and here we are. I certainly feel very emotional. This is beyond stupid and you know that just as much as I!” He glared Guanheng down, but he held his gaze.

“I have proof that I have emotions – I have no proof Hybrids and humans work together. We can’t even have kids, so it seems nature doesn’t intend for this to work.”

“That argument is _horrible_ ; since when is the reason why you love someone their ability to give you children? And, please enlighten me, what about _Hybrids_ is _natural_?”

Guanheng pressed his lips together.

“Fine. Then prove it! If your relationship lasts longer than a month, I’ll accept it as proof.”

“I’ve been together with Renjun for half a year, there.”

Guanheng’s brows furrowed as he did the maths. It took him a second, but he understood how this worked.

“Damn, now even I feel a bit hurt you never told us. Especially before you left, you definitely could have.”

“I’d really _love_ to go back in time, you know. I could have outed Renjun before he was ready for that, that would have been amazing for sure especially with that _loving_ family of his. Then I could have stayed here and immediately gone with Plan C, so _maybe_ I would have never been raped, most importantly, no one could have ever made blackmail porn of me and then spread that across the globe, but _unfortunately_ that doesn’t work.”

The silence was heavy between them, but Donghyuck couldn’t find regret for his harsh words.

“I’m sorry. That was insensitive. I had forgotten about Renjun. Fuck, this entire situation is so messed up.” Guanheng pushed his hands into his striped grey hair. “Have you ever met his grandparents? I did once and I said I was ‘Guanheng’ and his grandfather was ready to strangle me.”

“I’ve met his grandma and she called me a gross thing and animal and said Renjun had to send me away because I only serve one certain purpose. She called his blood rotten and his personality selfish. That’s when I decided I had to finally tell you even though I was terrified of the backlash. I _love_ him, okay? I love him so much and I want everyone to know that because that’s what he deserves.”

Guanheng’s eyes became a little shiny, then, he nodded.

“I didn’t realise… I guess I wasn’t ready to realise. I apologise.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it and accept it. You have to apologise to Renjun, too, though.”

“I will. Fuck, now that I think about it, really think about it without my hurt feelings in the way, I was blind to not have seen it earlier. The first Mandarin word Renjun asked me about was orange-tabby because that’s not in a preschooler's vocabulary.”

“Really?” Donghyuck looked at Guanheng with wide eyes.

“Why would I make this up?”

“Oh, that’s so cute! Okay, okay, I need you to teach me something, too!”

When Donghyuck and Guanheng returned to the living room, the discussion on the screen seemed to have escalated a lot since he had left.

Everyone was hyperfocused, some having moved closer to the tv not to miss anything, all ears perked and eyes fixed on the show.

Donghyuck leaned against the backrest behind Renjun, brushing his fingers against his shoulders to make him aware of his presence, and tried to catch on.

Taeil looked relatively comfortable in his chair while the representative of the breeder unions in South Korea and the owner of the biggest chain of Hybrid shops were in each other’s hair in every sense other than literal – but it looked like they’d take that step any second now.

What a surprising turn of events.

“They’re taking each other out over education,” Renjun whispered, confirming the obvious.

“They look ridiculous. Who’d take them seriously, like, at all?” Yuta muttered from the spot in which Donghyuck had originally been.

Wait!

Donghyuck was ripped right back out of where he had been half-emerged in the arguments.

Yuta was back?

That meant Jaemin had to be as well, but when he scanned the heads for the set of uneven ears, he didn’t find them and Jeno was nested between Taeyong and Doyoung as if he was their child.

“Where’s Nana?”

“Hm?” Renjun turned from the screen for the first time.

“Nana? Yuta-Hyung and Doyoung-Hyung are back!”

“Sorry, Hyuck, he doesn’t want to talk,” Mark softly explained, reaching out to comfort him.

It didn’t work, it felt like a stab to the heart.

“I swear to god, this is the very same thing like with Jeno, can he just _learn_ from his mistakes for once?” Donghyuck couldn’t help the way his voice was shaking. This was wrong! He didn’t want to go home with this in the open, with having been told that he didn’t belong with his boyfriend by his best friend.

“I’ll go and…”

“No, Hyuck. He explicitly didn’t want anyone around. Give him time to cool off, maybe tomorrow he’ll be ready,” Ten cut in, the fight on the tv forgotten in favour of the fight in real life.

Donghyuck clenched his teeth together.

This was just _wrong_.

He had been friends with Jaemin for so long. He didn’t have life-long friends, it was impossible to have what some humans did since his life had only really begun when he had been 14, but Jaemin was his childhood friend and the only one he called that. He had never fought with him like this, had been shut out of the conversation.

He hated this!

Slowly, like an ugly shadow, his anxieties started to pull over his mind.

He tried to take a deep breath, but they wouldn’t let themselves be willed away.

At least they had left him alone for almost the entire day, so he should be glad he had had quiet for so long, right?

He just wanted quiet from them forever…

Donghyuck crawled over the backrest as the moderator tried to lead the conversation into the closing statements and keep the two guests from getting physical with each other.

That was good and should make him happy because they were making fools of themselves for the world to see.

Instead, he squeezed himself between Yuta and Renjun and leaned his head back, feeling the sensitive part where the scar was healing throb faintly as he stared at the ceiling.

Maybe he could have avoided this.

Maybe he had made a mistake and forgotten to consider Jaemin’s instincts and personality and past.

He should have remembered how sensitive Jaemin could be, that was his duty as a good friend. He hadn’t been a very good friend, had he?

The prospect that he could potentially lose him over his relationship choked him up. He had thought it’d be easy because he’d put Renjun first, but, as so often, being faced with reality was completely different from blindly making decisions in the heat of the moment.

Especially Jaemin…

If only he had done it differently, if only he had known a better way to say it, or maybe chosen a better opportunity to let Jaemin know?

On the screen, Taeil closed the discussion, smiling kind and professional, the one who had come out on top of the discussion and taken yet another incredibly important step for Hybrids, for Donghyuck, but he was too preoccupied to properly acknowledge it.

In the middle of the night, when he was woken by nightmares, Donghyuck sent Jaemin a text, spilling what weighted his heart down and what he wished he could have done differently.

Of course, it remained unread at 3 am.

It was still unread by 8 am when he had finished a tiny breakfast.

It was still unread by 9 am when he went to Yeogsam to see Renjun and cuddle to feel better.

It was still unread by 10 am when Donghyuck and Renjun sent Taeil and Jungwoo respectively the same message announcing their relationship, though the chances of them not yet knowing were exactly 0.

They, in particular, deserved to hear it straight from them even if it might be superfluous.

It was still unread by 11 am when Donghyuck sent a message to the group chat with Yukhei and the chaos trio because he and Renjun wanted to be the ones revealing the news and it’d surely travel through the grapevine by the speed of lightning – if it had not already.

It was still unread by 12 am when Renjun sent a similar message to the group chat of the Union.

When Renjun’s phone rang by 1 pm, for a second, Donghyuck hoped it might be Jaemin.

But on the screen was the photo of a white-haired rabbit Hybrid and Donghyuck sunk back down into the mattress. He had been lying there all of Sunday morning and drafting texts, with Renjun jumping between doing work for the Union and cuddling him, occasionally kissing, making it a little less terrible that their friends weren’t all in support.

“喂?”

Donghyuck heard what was said, but he didn’t understand the Mandarin Sicheng used. It made him feel warm and happy that Renjun felt comfortable enough using it with him now and that he had the level to converse.

He remembered his grandma and what she had said just two days ago.

Donghyuck tightened his hold on Renjun, wishing he could make all of that undone and prevent it from ever happening again.

“Sicheng-Hyung and Xiaojun came and are asking if they could talk?”

He didn’t have to say why; Donghyuck knew. It was about their relationship, of course. Sicheng and Xiaojun both had looked shell-shocked yesterday.

But they had come to talk.

Donghyuck felt an overwhelming mixture of dread and relief.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I swear if my landlord shows his ugly face...” Renjun muttered under his breath, then confirmed they could come inside to Sicheng and stood up.

Donghyuck was still holding onto his shirt.

Renjun looked down in surprise as he hung up.

“You might have to let go.”

“But what if I don’t wanna?”

“Then I’ll have to drag you along. We can wave for CCTV?”

Donghyuck snorted out a laugh, but he didn’t feel sick just thinking about the man.

Patt patt.

It was reason enough to stand up and actually follow through with Renjun’s suggestion. It sounded fun and like exactly what that narrowminded idiot deserved.

He was sad now, yes, but he realised as he was faced with this previously nerve-wracking situation… he had made so much progress.

If he could overcome crippling and life-ruining anxiety… then he could figure things out with all his friends. Yes. Definitely!

“I’ll throw him a kiss just for giggles.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	32. Chapter 32

Sicheng and Xiaojun had brought bubble tea. It was all matcha latte, so it had probably been Xiaojun ordering and paying.

“It’s very nice,” Xiaojun beamed after a look around the tiny room. The narrow path between the bed and the desk was too crowded with more than two visitors, so Donghyuck had already returned onto the bed.

“You don’t have to pretend, it’s okay.” Renjun pushed several stacks of paper out of the way and sat down on his desk.

“But I really think it’s nice! You have everything for yourself, right? And you earned it yourself, so you should be proud!” Xiaojun nodded and then settled next to Donghyuck, passing him a cup of match latte.

“Oh. Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”

“Are you okay if I sit down there?” Sicheng asked and gestured to where Xiaojun and Donghyuck had already gotten comfortable.

“Sure, sure, it’s not like we have any options anyway,” Renjun waved his hands.

“Sorry, I didn’t ask. I forgot it’d be polite,” Xiaojun admitted, looking regretful.

A bed was free real estate, but many humans thought differently about it. It was just another small difference and it could easily be closed – sometimes you just forgot. It happened.

“No worries. Thanks for the tea,” Renjun poked his straw through the lid and took a sip.

For a few seconds, there was silence as they all focused on their drinks.

No one seemed to know what to say, where to start, but the knowledge they weren’t just here to drink bubble tea was between them, thick and uncomfortable.

Donghyuck was glad when Sicheng broke it.

“I hope you don’t feel like we’re ambushing you, but, um...” he played with the straw and glanced around shily, “Communication is really important, right? So you don’t just miss something really big, right?”

“Yeah,” Renjun nodded.

Donghyuck tried to read Sicheng’s face, guess what was on his mind, what he wanted to talk about, but it was impossible to tell.

“So, Xiaojun and I thought this would be the best way to do that because we still have some questions. They’re quite similar and maybe it’s easier when there are equally many people on both sides? Yeah, that’s what we thought. Okay?” Sicheng nervously glanced between them, still playing with the straw.

That he was nervous threw Donghyuck off, but he tried not to jump to the worst possible conclusions. Both Xiaojun and Sicheng were very sweet people and they had come to talk about why they seemed to have withheld their support. Talking about it was the only way to clear that up and Donghyuck knew he wanted nothing more, even though it was uncomfortable.

They were giving them a chance, unlike Jaemin.

Jaemin, who still hadn’t even read his text.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good basis for discussion,” Renjun confirmed and Donghyuck nodded as well. He couldn’t think of Jaemin only, he wanted to clear the air with his other friends as well!

“We don’t mean to be rude, but Sicheng-Hyung and I both aren’t so sure if it’s really okay for you to be together because… well, doesn’t it feel like one of you is automatically superior? No, that’s not right; I mean don’t you automatically feel like Renjun is superior? That he gets to decide everything and lead in any situation? Because he’s… human?” Xiaojun softly explained.

Oh. So it was like that!

Donghyuck took a deep breath, relaxing.

Yeah, it made sense someone could worry about that, after all, humans never missed a chance to knock Hybrids down and reinforce this hierarchy. Of course, that could possibly reflect in a relationship and there was no way it could be healthy if there was such a huge power imbalance.

Donghyuck even fully agreed that shouldn’t be acceptable, but he also knew there was no such thing between him and Renjun.

He had prepared to explain that and now he got the chance to make them see – and that let all his anxieties quiet down so he could speak with confidence.

“No!” He shook his head decidedly. “We have no hierarchy, definitely not. That’d go against everything we, both I and Renjun, stand for. It’s non-existent between us, friendship or love doesn’t make a difference.”

“I’d even say Donghyuck leads more often because, you know, he’s Donghyuck.” Renjun smiled affectionately and Donghyuck nodded to agree, feeling a little proud. After all, it was due to his own actions and due to not holding back that they had ever gotten together. He had never hesitated to take the first step, he had never kept quiet, and he had genuinely never thought Renjun was naturally above him.

Sure, he had used to think that about humans generally, at least a little, but by the time he had met Renjun in 2016, he had already been with his family for two years and been treated as an equal who no longer held such ideas.

Both Sicheng and Xiaojun were closely watching them.

Donghyuck was sure they didn’t think it was impossible for humans and Hybrids to see eye to eye. After all, Taeil and Jungwoo also stood for the equality of Hybrids and humans, but there was one significant difference:

Taeil and Jungwoo were Sicheng and Xiaojun’s guardians, not their brothers. There was a natural and perfectly normal power-imbalance between a parent and a child, how it existed in the Moon-Kim household. They were missing a human child to give the same experience Donghyuck had had growing up with Mark.

Donghyuck guessed that must be the main reason why they still worried about what he had not even spent a thought on before he had heard about the doubts others had.

That and Donghyuck’s general stubbornness having always made him reluctant to take orders.

“It’s just because we both feel like the role of Hybrids serving and humans leading is still very much in the back of our heads and would influence a relationship negatively. I think I’d have trouble speaking my mind or just saying ‘no’ if it was with a human just because I was raised not to do it,” Sicheng admitted, still looking very worried, and Xiaojun nodded with a solemn face.

Despite the undertone, Donghyuck felt himself grow soft and happy to have people around himself who’d think about and take care of him like this.

“You definitely don’t have to worry about that at all. Even before I got away with everything at home and dropped that idea completely, I always had gotten ‘F’s for behaviour!” He beamed.

“F?” Xiaojun’s eyes widened and even Sicheng looked shocked.

“So I guess I never really cared that much in the first place, but I definitely abandoned the doctrine long ago. Thank you for looking out for me, though! I can assure you, you don’t have to worry – on the contrary, with Renjun, I have an easier time saying what is on my mind because… well. Sappy reasons.”

Donghyuck looked over to where Renjun was on his desk and smiled at him.

_Because this was the love that could right all wrongs for him._

It was just way too cringey to say that out loud.

“I never even realised it could be like that. I’m glad to hear that as well,” Renjun softly added.

Donghyuck would have kissed him to reassure him there was no reason to worry at all, but he was too far away and it was probably better he was because it wasn’t good manners to just kiss your boyfriend in front of other people, was it? Some sort of threat Renjun had made echoed in his head, but he had already forgotten most of it.

He turned back to their guests.

“Do you take my word for it?” Donghyuck asked because he genuinely wanted nothing more than to know Sicheng and Xiaojun could change their minds and support them.

“Of course, we take your word,” Sicheng didn’t even take a second to reply. His black eyes were still serious, not hiding any lies, but his body had relaxed, the worry left his frame.

“Really, we didn’t have ill intent! Renjun, we like you a ton and you know that, right? But it sounded so scary to us, we had to ask, just in case,” Xiaojun repeated, making his signature puppy eyes.

Renjun smiled and nodded.

“I know. I’d much rather talk about it.” Than go ignored on Kakao, yes, Donghyuck much preferred this as well.

He leaned against Xiaojun as he sucked up some pearls through his straw.

“So, how did you find out you had the same worries? Were we the hot topic during lunch?”

The silence was telling and Donghyuck glanced up to look at Sicheng, who was back to playing with his straw.

“Perhaps?”

“It just happened because it was a big revelation and we had different opinions. In the end, Taeil-Hyung made everyone who said they weren’t so sure explain why and then think about how to change that. So, Sicheng-Hyung and I decided that talking to you could maybe change it and it did.”

Donghyuck felt both relieved and weird about that. It seemed like such a Taeil-thing to do, but he also wasn’t entirely happy to be the lunch-topic.

Then again, no change could take place without talking about what had to be changed and how. No matter how hard it still was, the verdict in his trial had resulted in a new wave of support they wouldn’t have gotten otherwise and he was incredibly happy about that. He definitely wanted change, so both being in the headlines and being the topic during lunch were steps in the right direction.

And it had made Sicheng and Xiaojun come here to talk.

“Sometimes I just want Jungwoo to finally adopt me,” Renjun sighed deeply and leaned back against the wall.

Donghyuck’s heart sunk. He wished Renjun could have a home where people said why they had an issue and then thought about how to solve it, too.

“Well, you now have my family as your family-not-really-but-kinda-in-law, right?” He reminded because he genuinely wanted to offer Renjun something – even if it wasn’t ideal.

A smile spread over Renjun’s face, a little dreamy and very happy, and Donghyuck melted against Xiaojun just seeing it.

“Yeah, I do. I’m not used to that yet, though.”

“I never knew you’d be so cute,” Sicheng muttered, then loudly slurped the rest of his tea.

“Thanks, we know we’re adorable!” Donghyuck batted his lashes obnoxiously, but he couldn’t keep the huge grin off his face.

“Actually, do you remember when you made chocolate for Valentine’s to make fun of Renjun?” Xiaojun perked up.

“Of course I remember, Ten-Hyung also reminded me recently.”

“Why would you bring that up? That was the most embarrassing day of my entire life, I hated you so much at that moment,” Renjun groaned and hid his face behind his hands.

The way Sicheng’s lips twitched told Donghyuck Sicheng must very clearly remember it as well.

Had he mentioned how he had used a moment when as many people as possible had been in the living room to give the chocolate?

“I just _had_ to tease you!”

“You didn’t _have_ to do anything!”

Like clockwork, just as Donghyuck was curling up in a laughing fit, a knock on the door interrupted them.

Renjun rolled his eyes and hopped off the desk.

“Bet that’s the old geezer to complain about the noise,” he grumbled.

Donghyuck expected to get choked up but…

He didn’t.

He wasn’t scared anymore.

And that alone made him smile even wider, good mood unbroken.

Patt patt.

Once Renjun had chased the landlord away, Sicheng and Xiaojun stayed and pushed him to speak Mandarin to them.

It went over Donghyuck’s head, of course, but he genuinely didn’t care.

The way Renjun seemed to just light up as he attempted longer and more complex sentences made up for him having to wait for the translation.

Donghyuck could tell the way Renjun spoke was a bit different from Sicheng, who spoke a bit differently from Xiaojun. He couldn’t put a finger to it, they just flowed a little differently and the general sounds didn’t quite match even though Donghyuck didn’t understand a single word.

China was a big country. It could be a different accent just how Johnny’s English was a little different from Mark’s and a lot different from Harvey’s.

One day, he’d ask someone if Renjun had a Korean accent or if it was due to his roots being in the North. He was just curious to know, it didn’t really matter as long as Renjun felt good talking in his neglected native.

He tried to remember the words Guanheng had taught him just last night, but most was already gone.

Just one was still clear, the easiest, and the most important one: 爱, love.

He’d look at his notes and repeat it until the fourth tone was perfect before he’d tell Renjun, but he definitely wanted to.

Too bad all his good mood crashed on his way home, much much later.

When he opened Kakao to tell Minjun and Haneul he was on his way, he inevitably remembered the message he had sent last night. His good mood was suddenly overshadowed by the bitter feeling of rejection.

He scrolled down to Jaemin’s contact.

He had read his message.

But not replied.

Donghyuck closed his eyes and let out a deep breath, but the pain didn’t go away.

Damn.

That was the thing about negativity. It was so much stronger than positivity. It was ridiculous, like when he had been reading comments. Those criticising him had weighed ten times as heavy, no, a hundred even, as the supportive ones.

It was the exact same now, only because it was his best friend it might just be thousand-fold.

_[to: ~Jaemin~] Listen, you can be a stubborn ass and ignore me all you want if I mean that little to you, but then don’t pretend_ I _was the one who ruined our friendship!_

Donghyuck stared at the message.

Maybe he had worded it too harshly?

Too late now. He turned the screen off and pocketed his phone.

He had 20 minutes of footwalk on a nice August evening, he wanted to enjoy this.

And he couldn’t be too distracted, not this late when he was alone in the streets. That would be ‘asking for it’.

Victim blaming or not, Donghyuck could _absolutely not_ risk it.

Of course, his message remained unread anyway.

After 20 minutes of footwalk, after 30 minutes of tv, after 15 minutes of taking a bath, Jaemin had never opened it.

Donghyuck ruffled a towel over his head to dry his hair, looking out for where his scar was and avoiding his ears. He didn’t like it too much when they got folded carelessly.

“Donghyuckie? Hey, just a quick reminder that you have to call the university tomorrow, okay? Don’t forget our flight is going at 5 pm, so we have to leave by 1 pm at the latest on Thursday.”

Donghyuck pulled the towel away as his heartbeat started to pick up.

It was an odd mixture of excitement and nervousness.

“Okay. Yeah.”

He had tried hard not to think about Thursday, about flying to the US, about returning to New York, to campus, to all these places he connected to terrible memories, to sadness, and to pain.

“Hey, I’m sure it will be easy to get an appointment before that or after. They surely understand you have a very important prior commitment if it’s a hearing.” Haneul had come in and taken the towel from his hands, gently stroking it over his ears to dry them.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck rasped. He had to remember it was over and he wouldn’t be alone there. He couldn’t let himself get lost in the downward spiral, he _knew_ but it was so difficult!

“Let’s put an alarm to remind you tomorrow on your phone together, okay?” Haneul gently suggested and Donghyuck mutely nodded, but the bathroom was suddenly unbearable, bringing too many memories.

The air had been damp just like it was now, that night.

Donghyuck had been late because he had been playing pc games to distract himself from feeling homesick.

Late meant most people had already had showered and the ventilation system would usually need until the next morning to clear the air, only for the morning-shower-fraction to bring it right back to where it had been.

There was a reason why community showers had such a terrible reputation and that place had been one of them.

“Not here,” Donghyuck had to leave, he couldn’t pull himself together for much longer before he’d start to crack, couldn’t hold the tears back as the memories wouldn’t let themselves be controlled anymore.

It was over. It wasn’t happening anymore. He was home, he was with his family, he was safe, why was this even an issue? Today had been pretty good, he had just earlier been happy with his progress, yet here he was, being haunted by that demon again.

_Why_ couldn’t it just leave him _alone_?

Haneul’s hand on his back, gently pushing him from the room, broke him from the cycle and Donghyuck tried to cling to something else to avoid being dragged right back in.

He could do this. He had to think about something else and then distance himself! He knew how, he just had to _do_ it! Why was he failing at this, yet again?

“Your hair is becoming really long, I thought that just earlier. Maybe it’s time for a date at the hairdresser?” Haneul asked and Donghyuck immediately jumped the chance to tear his mind away from the memories, the pain, all the things he didn’t want to drown in.

“Yeah, it’s becoming annoying.” He hurriedly ran his hands through it, trying to hide the tremble in them. “I just didn’t have time.”

“Maybe you could go tomorrow? I’ll have to get my roots done. I know they always squeeze in a small little haircut.”

Donghyuck remembered the salon Haneul had always gone to and he had occasionally been dragged along to. It was fancy, the soaps all smelt extremely nice, and the stylists had always gushed about his hair because of the colour and texture.

He liked it when people thought he was cute or pretty because of it. In the end, he had done nothing to contribute, but any person liked to be told they looked good, right?

He could not only use the cut, he could also use the confidence boost.

“That’d be nice.”

“We’ll do that then. Now, let’s set the alarm and then I’ll blowdry your hair, alright?”

Donghyuck nodded, a small smile tugging on his lips.

Blowdrying meant pretty much ear pets with warm air.

It didn’t get much better.

“Yes, please.”

The room temperature was higher than Donghyuck remembered it to have been when he had fallen asleep.

For a second, he didn’t know where he was.

Then, the room became clearer like someone had wiped the fog off a mirror.

He looked around. It was familiar but in a very nostalgic way. He knew he hadn’t been here in a very long time and he couldn’t have because this place no longer existed.

On the wall was a collection of photos, some of which showing people Donghyuck didn’t know. In the middle was a recent picture. Wait, no, it wasn’t recent because this place didn’t exist anymore, how could it be recent?

Donghyuck blinked and tried to focus.

Wait, why did he think this place didn’t exist anymore? He was clearly here now?

This was so confusing…

“There is my spot, so you cannot sit there.”

Surprised, Donghyuck snapped around. Why was Jaemin’s voice so light and scratchy? It should be deeper and smoother, he hadn’t sounded a young teenager in a long time because he no longer was.

“There would be okay.”

Jaemin gestured to the side of the sofa and Donghyuck stared at the figure that hopped right where Jaemin had said not to sit.

He had orange curly hair, tan skin, round cheeks with a lot of baby fat.

He reached up to pat his own face, but it felt as hallow as it had for months now.

_What_?

“I said not there! That’s _my_ spot, Jungwoo-Hyung allowed me to have it!”

“We can share, ow, hey! That’s so rude, you don’t treat guests this way!”

“Guests shouldn’t be so rude in the first place! You can go back home!”

“But we’re friends now! You agreed!”

Donghyuck’s chest tightened and he choked up as he saw himself pout up at Jaemin, who was fuming. The younger Donghyuck yelped as he was pushed over the sofa to the non-Jaemin territory.

Yes, he remembered this.

Very well even.

“Being friends doesn’t mean you get _my_ stuff! It’s _mine_!”

“Fine, have it your way. Seriously, dogs.”

“Cats.”

“Anyway, now we have to do something fun, how we usually do.”

“We can’t paint the walls, I asked Hyung and he turned very white and said no. Hyung said to talk about our interest and, um, dreams or, um, secrets. Since we’re friends now, we should tell each other all our secrets!”

“You mistook something there, it’s not a secret if you tell everyone!”

“Not everyone! Just friends. Um. Good friends, how we are, right? I’ll go first: My body can heal a broken bone in my arm within 3 weeks and 4 days.”

Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut for a second, a bitter taste spreading in his mouth.

“How do you know that?” His younger self asked with wide eyes full of innocence.

“Oh, the people at the lab tested it to check. It’s really fast, so it’s good, I bet your arm would take longer!”

“But that must hurt!”

“Yeah. That’s why I hate them. So? What’s your secret?”

Tears rose in Donghyuck’s eyes just as they did in his younger self’s.

“That’s so awful, I didn’t know that.”

“It…”

“No, I’m really sorry that happened, that’s unacceptable! They should get punished for that!”

Donghyuck looked up and blinked his tears away, clenching his teeth.

That was right! They deserved punishment for all the sadistic testing they had done on Jaemin and the other kids they had cruelly experimented on!

“Nah, it’s okay because I’m just a mutt anyway.”

“Don’t say that! That’s a bad word!”

“I don’t care, everyone always says it anyway.”

“Then they have to stop doing that because that’s derogatory! If it happens again, tell me and I’ll have a serious talk with them and explain why it’s not okay to say that to someone!”

“Oh.” Jaemin on the sofa sunk into himself. “But what am I then?”

“Just Jaemin, don’t you think? The genes you got from dogs somewhere are mixed, like, scientifically, but you’re a Hybrid, a person, in the first place. I’m not a British shorthair either, it’s just an explanation for where my genes stem from. I’m first and foremost Donghyuck, you’re first and foremost Jaemin.”

The silence stretched on but younger Donghyuck was too confident to worry about his words. He stretched over the sofa and placed himself over Jaemin, expecting to be cuddled.

Donghyuck smiled at himself, however, the room started to blur and he finally realised why he had been in Jungwoo’s old flat, why Jaemin’s voice had still been dropping, and why he had still looked like a baby.

_He had been dreaming._

Dreaming about that first time he had gotten invited over to meet a friend, his first own friends his age that he had made without anyone’s help.

When he woke up, it was because he couldn’t breathe. He was used to it and easily found his inhaler to open his lungs.

As he waited for the effect to kick in, Donghyuck stared at the ceiling.

He had made Jaemin his first friend by being incredibly annoying and unshakable until Jaemin, who had been nearly as stubborn as Donghyuck, had finally given in.

It hadn’t worked in getting him to confess his love to Jeno. Jeno, whom he had also hurt in the entire mess that Donghyuck had responsibility for because he had tried, but he had failed to use the correct communication.

This wasn’t about Jeno, though, this was about the two of them, the longest and best friends within their circle that had steadily grown.

Donghyuck would not let Jaemin get away with two unread texts. He had to fly to the States in three days, for hearings he was less than excited for, then he’d come back for even more hearings and between that and the university applications, he needed his support network more than ever.

He knew he wouldn’t break even if Jaemin wasn’t there, no, but he _wished_ Jaemin was there.

Donghyuck took another deep breath to test his lungs, but they were fine, opening how he needed them to take in oxygen.

He sat up and picked his phone from where it had been on his nightstand.

The screen was much too bright, hurting his eyes, and he could barely even squint at the numbers of the digital clock on the display.

4:36 am.

He should get more sleep, definitely, but he felt like, however ridiculous, maybe he’d be lucky if…

His display suddenly flashed up again, showing an incoming call.

Stunned, Donghyuck stared at the contact name.

_~Jaemin~_

Maybe he should quit physics and go for psychic instead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)
> 
> Thank you to Nekofae for the input regarding Xiaojun and Sicheng ~


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be short, I’m sorry, but I was still super uninspired and clueless how to bring the rest of the story together TT TT
> 
> Also I just recently realised that flying from Incheon to JFK is probably hell if they even operate a flight like that, buuuuuuuuut whatever. I’m also not sure JFK serves Poughkeepsie lmao just roll with it.

“Don’t you dare hang up, I have to get away from Mark!” Donghyuck hissed into his phone, stumbling from his bed while still half asleep and highly alerted at the same time.

He tried to sneak out, but the door was a bit too loud because he was in such a hurry. He’d just hope Mark hadn’t heard it. It wasn’t like he necessarily needed to keep this secret, he just didn’t want to bother his roomie.

Nervously, he tracked the call, but the timer kept running, so Jaemin hadn’t hung up on him _yet_.

Donghyuck darted into the living room, closing the door softer than the first. Finally, he could turn the speaker on as he hid in the corner farthest from everyone’s bedrooms.

He wanted to pop off, he wanted to tell Jaemin how sucky it had been what he had done, how it had hurt to be left on read, but the words wouldn’t come.

It’d be mean to put all the blame on Jaemin. He knew he was partially at fault, too. He hadn’t intended to, no, of course not, but he still had to fix his part in this fight and yelling wouldn’t do that.

“I’m here,” he whispered, sinking to the ground.

He just wanted to make peace with his best friend.

“I…” Jaemin’s voice broke off into a small hiccup and all residue anger in Donghyuck’s chest just burst into thin air.

He hated it when people he cared about cried.

“Hyuckie, I’m so-so sorry, I-I know I fucked up again but I really didn’t see it because I was so angry and now I hurt Guanheng, I hurt Jeno, I hurt Injoon, a-and I hurt you and maybe even everyone else, too. I’m so sorry, I’ll explain, I’ll be better, _please,_ don’t hate me.”

The sound of crying was heartbreaking and Donghyuck wondered if it’d be reasonable to wake Mark and make him take a cab to Cheongdam right this second.

“I don’t hate you, Nana, I could never ever hate you.”

It could be justified, right? Crying alone was never good. However, before he could actually get up and put that plan into action, Donghyuck suddenly picked up another voice, gently soothing Jaemin.

Good.

Jaemin deserved and needed someone there.

Now only Donghyuck also needed someone because hearing his best friend cry made him feel so sad, he almost couldn’t breathe.

“I-I just-just felt like I-I don’t even kn-know what, just so-so-so alone and I don’t even know why. I was so stupid and let myself spiral again when I shouldn’t but I got so triggered for some reason. Everything was such a mess since and I hate that I did that again. I’m always the one ruining everything because I’m like this and I know it’s my fault, but I just-just… don’t want you or Injoon to get hurt and now I was the one to hurt you which is totally wrong, I see that now.”

Donghyuck pressed the cold phone against his cheek. He wanted to hug Jaemin, but instead, he was alone in the living room.

“It’s okay, Nana. I don’t understand, but I try to. I should have told you differently.”

After all, Donghyuck had been raised by a breeder, together with a lot of others around his age, always over-sheltered, while Jaemin’s family had splintered into a million pieces until he had been in a lab where his bones had been broken only to see how long it’d take them to heal again.

They called it Jaemin-world thinking, but Donghyuck knew it was traumas that might never heal, no matter for how long Jaemin had a safe and loving home or how well he tried to work through his past.

Wounds left scars forever, some worse than others.

“Th-thank you, but n-no, I was wrong! You do belong with Injoon if you like him! I’m sorry I said you d-didn’t. I would never think that poorly of Injoon, not after e-everything he’s done. I’m so ashamed and I don’t even know how to tell him. I hardly even know h-how to tell you but… but I had to because you deserve an-an apology. I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck clutched the phone tighter, fighting his tears.

“Thank you. I-I accept it.”

“And I su-support you a lot, like, I’ll be the best supporter r-right after Johnny-Hyung for sure!”

A small laugh bubbled in Donghyuck’s chest.

That felt good.

It felt really good.

“Thank you. Though, there’s still my parents to battle. And Mark, probably.”

“Okay, after them.”

“And Ten-Hyung.”

“I can take Ten-Hyung,” Jaemin muttered and whoever else was there laughed at that.

Ah. Jungwoo. Of course, it was Jungwoo.

Donghyuck rested his forehead against his arms. He wanted a Jungwoo here, too.

“Thank you for calling. I had a dream, just earlier, which was just a reminder that I’d definitely have to annoy you into finally giving in. Well. Guess now I don’t have to.”

Jaemin sniffed loudly. “You don’t, but you would have?”

“Duh.”

“Thank you. A lot. I’m so sick from crying now. Sorry for the nightly call, but… I just had to at least try.”

“I’m glad you did. Oh, and Nana? Don’t be scared of Renjun, I know he’ll appreciate you don’t think he’s a perverted asshole.”

“Okay.”

“And the swept fringe is mainly just appearance anyway, he’s not really changed too much.”

“I know.”

“Meaning, he’s actually _very_ sweet and understanding.”

“You’re biased.”

“He’s perfect and I will die on this hill!”

For a second, Jungwoo’s choked-off laughing was all that filled the silence.

“I’ll call him first thing in the morning,” Jaemin finally whispered, sounding a lot less shaky and a lot more confident and Donghyuck was happy to hear it.

“You’ll call him and I’ll call Doctor Bae’s secretary,” Donghyuck cheerfully suggested, trying hard to only focus on the incredible chance he had been offered, not on anything else.

He’d only give up once he’d get a rejection, yes, that was the right mindset!

“Um, Donghyuck, wait a second, did you just say Bae and physics?” Jungwoo’s voice came through the line.

“Yes, why?”

“At Yonsei?”

“Yes, why?”

“Oh, just… very interesting.”

“That’s suspicious, Hyung, what’s wrong with her?” Donghyuck whispered, urgency bleeding into his voice.

“Nothing at all. Just if anyone asks, I didn’t know about this.”

“You’re not making any sense. Or I’m too tired. Or both,” Donghyuck rubbed his face. He planned to invade Mark’s bed and get the cuddling he desperately needed and absolutely deserved after his.

Then, he suddenly remembered something. “So, it’s the 13th already, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin tried to sound nonchalant, but the excitement was tinging his voice.

“That’s bad luck in the West,” Donghyuck went on, struggling to suppress a grin.

“Shut up, I have great luck because I got to make up with you!”

“Aw, yes, I’m really happy about that, too, but almost as importantly: happy birthday, Nana.”

“Thank you,” Jaemin sounded tired and relieved and Donghyuck guessed it was really time to hang up and go back to sleep. Birthday or not, it was the middle of the night.

They ended the call and Donghyuck realised half his body had gone numb when he tried to get up. His tail in particular ached and he tried to shake the poor thing awake as he waddled back down the hall. It really was taking the blunt in all of this, wasn’t it? Donghyuck wanted to extend special apologies to the cutest appendage of them all.

Mark groaned when he shoved him aside to make space to fit himself into his bed.

The bad feeling of having heard Jaemin cry over their hurtful fight slowly left as he snuggled against Mark, who made a few more noises of complaint but didn’t wake up.

When his alarm blared, Donghyuck was so dead tired he could barely force his eyes open.

Mark hit snooze.

Once, twice, three times.

“Boys, breakfast is almost ready, get up, please!”

Donghyuck managed to eat half his breakfast.

For a second, he thought about his weigh-in on Wednesday and how he was quite sure he had not gained anything, but he took a deep breath and reminded himself that is was not a test to fail and he was doing his best here.

Just to make sure, he forced another mouthful of rice down, but that was all his stomach was ready to take today.

The office opened at 9 am.

Donghyuck packed a few things into his suitcase, but with already being nervous because he had to make this incredibly important call, he could barely manage to think about New York and what clothing would be appropriate for the weather.

It was all a little much right now, but it’d be okay the second he had made the call. He’d pack after that and then he’d go and get a cute haircut.

He wanted this chance so badly!

Even with how terrible his experience had been so far, he was still determined. His wish was to become a lawyer, so he’d be able to navigate the law how Mrs Jung and the others were. He wanted more Hybrids to feel like Ten and Xiaojun who had gotten justice.

He wanted to show people he was capable of that. He wanted to be independent and respected.

The path there was difficult, but the only way to reach his goal was to soldier on.

As he watched the time tick by, he sang under his breath. That never failed to help him.

_When I first saw you, from across the room, I could tell that you were curious. Girl, I hope you're sure what you're looking for 'cause I'm not good at making promises. But if you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms and if you like having secret little rendezvous. If you like to do the things you know that we shouldn't do then baby, I'm perfect, baby, I'm perfect for you._

As a matter of fact, Donghyuck had only ever gotten fined for violating the rules of assembly. It hadn’t even been him, of course, Haneul had gotten fined.

Finally, the clock turned to 9:00 and Donghyuck pressed the green button to dial the number he had typed in ten minutes ago.

His fingers were shaky when he held his phone closer to his mouth so the mic would catch his voice better. He wanted the best audio he could get. Any small detail he could improve might tip the scale.

It only took a few seconds before it cracked and connected.

Donghyuck’s heart was beating out of his chest and he swallowed thickly.

“Good morning, you’re speaking to Han Youngsook, how may I help you?”

In his head, Donghyuck was trying to picture himself standing in front of a crowd, gearing up to hold a speech. It was a scary scenario to most, but it wasn’t to him. He knew how to hold a speech, how to convince a crowd. He needed that now!

“Hello, my name is Lee Donghyuck. Am I talking to the secretary of the quantum physics chair?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Thank you. I sent an application to Mrs Bae Joohyun and she replied, kindly offering me the chance to make an appointment. I am very interested and would like to accept the offer.”

For a second, there was silence and Donghyuck just heard the mouse clicking.

“Ah, yes. Sorry, I just came in a few minutes ago, you’re very early. Let me see, I get so much mail from all the young folks working here, I don’t remember everything. Let me look into her file…”

Donghyuck counted his breaths in his head so he didn’t start hyperventilating.

He couldn’t quite get into his flow, not on the phone, not with something this significant!

He was calling at one of the top three universities of the country! It still sounded like a joke, like that could absolutely not be the reality he was living, but he knew it was.

Just the thought of possibly really getting a spot there…

For himself as much as for other Hybrids wishing to get an education, that would be a step, no, a leap ahead.

Nevermind it’d be a slap in the faces of everyone who had ever doubted him.

“Mrs Bae? Hm, I don’t see anything here. Your name was Lee Donghyuck?”

“Yes?” Donghyuck felt slight unease creep over his skin, the breathtaking excitement already dwindling and anxiety sneaking into his chest.

“Hold the line for a second please, she should still be in her office, I’ll ask her.”

“Okay.”

Donghyuck stared at the number on the display of his phone wordlessly. Had it not been important enough? No, maybe she had just forgotten, right? Or perhaps the e-mail had slipped through the cracks or been buried… Maybe there had been a typo?

Or maybe he had just fallen for a prank and there was no way anyone would truly offer him a chance at one of the three most prestigious and reputable universities of the country.

Him, a simple Hybrid without a formal education.

“Hello?”

A different voice suddenly greeted through the phone and Donghyuck startled so badly, he nearly dropped it.

“Um, hello?”

“Hi, yes, this is Bae Joohyun, Youngsook-sshi just informed me you called, Mr Lee?”

Being called Mr Lee was something that happened very rarely. Hybrids didn’t get that type of respect normally, so it was always special to him even though it maybe shouldn’t be.

Donghyuck tried to compose himself, but so many things were happening at the same time, it was like the Korean language was slipping his mind.

“Yes. Thank you for your e-mail!” He tried to speak calmly, but he came out hurried and obviously nervous.

“Yes, yes, I was very surprised and very impressed.”

Donghyuck’s heart did yet another summersault in his chest.

“I read your letter even though I’m not exactly responsible. As a chair, we want to recruit the best minds for physics and give marginalised groups an opportunity to study in fields they’re usually not encouraged to take interest in. You would fall more into the second category, as you don’t plan to stay in physics yet, but the professor and I believe you’re the type of person we want to empower at this university. Nevermind most of us didn’t initially head towards quantum physics, I included, so your mind might be changed.”

A broad smile had spread on Donghyuck’s face.

No, sorry, he didn’t plan to switch because while he was interested in physics and in how the world worked, he was passionate about the law and what he could achieve if he knew how to utilise it.

“Thank you!”

“However, there is a major problem and that is the lack of a college entrance exam result. As a SKY university, Yonsei accepts only the top of the country.”

Donghyuck nodded and his heart sunk again.

“Yes, I’m aware.”

That was why he had gone to the States. He had already previously tried this path and failed miserably.

He knew even if he was eligible to take the entrance exam, which he was not and there was no way to get admitted, he could never achieve the result he’d need for Yonsei. Saying he could without ever having been to a Korean school and without the years of specialised preparation for that one exam would be nothing but arrogant.

All his education had been based on the Canadian school system, the one their dad had favoured. It was too different, his knowledge on topics he wouldn’t need was too big and too small on ones he would need.

He had seen what Yerim had been doing to achieve her goal. He had seen what Renjun had done and how much lower his grade had been in comparison. Hadn’t it been for his scholarship, he would have absolutely not been accepted to Kunjang – much less Yonsei.

This path was blocked and sealed, Donghyuck knew he could not take it.

“However, we already checked, it’s absolutely impossible for you to get admitted. Hybrids are not accepted.”

“I know, I already attempted that two years ago.”

Donghyuck tried not to think the worst and see his chance for Plan C go down the drain, but it was all too familiar.

“I see.”

There was a pause in which he heard paper being shuffled and his hopes slowly dwindled.

This was just one from many unis he had sent an application to.

He might get another opportunity, maybe another uni that didn’t only choose the top of the top?

“Well, there is the other option of accepting you as an international student. We don’t have many of them in our department, but it might be possible. We would need a letter of recommendation from Vassar College, of course, and we have to go over the courses you’ve taken to see if they suffice for accepting you as a first-semester. I’d like you to come in so we can go over this and chat a bit more about your motivations. Knowing you is fundamental so I can argue why we want to accept you – because there will be questions.”

Yes, there would be; Donghyuck was fully aware of that, but he’d all too happily answer all of them, he’d even go through everyone questioning his intelligence, yet again.

He’d do it all if only he’d be given this chance!

From Doctor Bae’s words, it sounded like he had been reaching for the stars and actually managed to grab one. Right now it was still at risk of slipping away any second, but just getting this close was already making him feel like he was flying.

“Absolutely, no problem!”

Changing the world was his favourite hobby, wasn’t it? He could say it with his chest, his smile hurting his cheeks from how broad it was.

“I’d return you to Youngsook-sshi so you can make an appointment?”

“Yes, thank you, but just a second? I’d just like to let you know I’ll be flying to New York for a hearing on Thursday, so is there any chance it could take place before that? Because it’d be easiest to ask for a letter of recommendation in person.”

“Thursday? Oh… that might be tight. Youngsook-sshi, can you check Professor Choi’s schedule for tomorrow?”

Donghyuck nibbled on his lower lip.

It all felt like a lot, but he slowly sorted the new information in his head so it no longer felt overwhelming.

International student.

First semester.

Letter of recommendation.

“Mr Lee, if you’re free at 11 am tomorrow, we could make it happen before Thursday.”

Donghyuck nodded, then realised no one could see him.

“Yes! I am free! Thank you!”

“Perfect. We’ll send you an e-mail to confirm the date and including a description of where you have to go.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“See you tomorrow then.”

The beep of the line having disconnected was the only noise in the room for a few seconds.

Donghyuck was still grinning despite his heart hammering in fear and his chest feeling tight in anxiety. It was okay. It was there, but he could manage to still feel the happiness the situation called for.

He had a chance! A real chance!

A giggle started bubbling from his chest and he rolled off his bed to bounce from the room and let everyone know what had just happened.

He really wanted to boast about this.

And, damn, did it feel good.

He had been too insecure for much too long!

“Dad, Mum, Markie-poo? I’ve good an appointment with Doctor Bae and Professor Choi tomorrow!”

“Oh, Donghyuckie, congratulations!”

“Fuck, my heart, were you _hiding_ _behind the door_?”

So, yeah.

The chance to make his case for why he deserved a spot at university was even more reason for Donghyuck to tag along with Haneul when she went to get her hair done. He needed to look professional!

He loved how the trainee asked if she was even allowed to touch his ears and how careful she was throughout the entire process.

He loved how the same woman who had done his hair half a decade ago still gushed over “such a rich and bold orange, truly, you can’t artificially achieve this” and cut it just right so the soft waves curled over his head, around his ears, not even looking frizzy despite having been blowdried.

“Nana! Come here and get your birthday-cuddles!” Donghyuck yelled once he had overcome the lock on the door.

He didn’t even have to wait for more than a second because Jaemin’s feet were already thundering down the hall. Donghyuck groaned at the impact when his best friend, wagging tail and all, slammed into him.

“Hyuckie, I missed you so much, so so much!”

“Oh my god, ew, stop licking my face!”

“I missed you!”

“I have a boyfriend!”

“This is for greeting, why don’t you cats understand that? Jeno! Tell him it’s different!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depending on how much editing I will get done, I might have to take a break from updating next week bc I've run out of edited chapters - sorry about that, you probably know inspiration and motivation have been running really low and I'm struggling a lot rn, but I don't want to put anything out that's not up to the standard I expect for Heaven. ;;
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for patiently waiting ~

Getting from Gangnam to Sinchon was a small inter-Seoul trip.

Donghyuck could have totally done it alone.

“Look, look, they have the limited edition with Oh Sehun! Come on, guys, we have time to spare, right? This is sold out everywhere!”

The Metro wasn’t difficult to navigate, really not.

“I’m hungry!”

He would have been twice as fast, easily.

“I think it’s exit E.”

“It’s definitely exit D, can’t you read?”

“I can read better than _you_!”

“Take that back!”

“Make me!”

“Stop it, no physical fighting in the Metro, are you five?”

Nevermind not even nearly as many people would have given him deeply confused looks. Sure, he would have instead gotten more grossed out ones, as per usual, but this was like the circus on tour.

But he needed the circus to be certain he’d make it there safely without freaking out – or getting hurt. Just in case.

He was already able to do so many things as he normally had been again, so having some issues linger was fine – he knew he’d kick them soon enough.

The sooner the better, of course, but Donghyuck had made somewhat satisfactory peace with baby steps.

Unwanted attention and a million stops or not, it felt much better to be with the circus instead of being alone.

Since Donghyuck had, in wise foresight, planned an entire hour to spare, they ended up being early even after the detours to Nature Republic and A Twosome Place they had made.

And the two fights in the Metro.

He wasn’t sure who had been the first to invite himself along, but he was grateful everyone was so supportive. Now it wasn’t only about supporting him in his anxieties anymore, now it was also the support he and Renjun got.

No one had been holding back in showing them they’d make up for any pain their earlier words might have caused them. They pushed them to stand next to each other, they suggested couple face-masks, they even made Donghyuck buy Renjun the strawberry croissant so they’d have couple food.

Okay, ‘they’ had been a completely over-enthusiastic Jeno who had also bought Jaemin coffee that the hyper Jaemin had definitely _not_ needed, but, overall, it was really cute.

At the same time as he was showered in acceptance and support in so many shapes, Donghyuck felt like there were still some things to address with certain people, but he didn’t know how to approach them. He had hoped they’d be like Xiaojun and Sicheng and come to them to talk, but nothing had happened as of right now.

Pretending everything was as normal worked quite well, though, so that was what he was doing. He had enough people that left no doubt and those were the ones he’d naturally spend more time with anyway.

The thought just sometimes popped up in the back of his head, bothering him.

Like all the other times, he pushed it away today, too.

Instead of only Renjun, whom Donghyuck had asked to come with, Jeno, Guanheng, Yangyang, and Jaemin were also stepping onto the huge campus, one set of eyes wider than the next – including Donghyuck’s and that despite Vassar having an impressive and beautiful campus as well.

“Woah, I’m telling you, Korea Uni cannot be this cool!” Jeno whispered only to immediately have Jaemin on his back, whining how that wasn’t true.

Donghyuck tuned them out in favour of looking around.

Even in comparison to the campus in New York that he was familiar with, this was impressive. Deeply so.

The houses were huge and plenty, overgrown with green and structured like their own tiny city, stretching over the hill.

It was reminiscent of Vassar, much more than Kunjang, but it was different enough that it didn’t wake unpleasant memories.

This could be a new start, it was a new chance.

The science building was modern, all huge windows and steel, and built at the bottom of the hill – asthma-friendly.

Donghyuck pulled up the map the secretary had provided him and his entourage was too impressed to cause a ruckus as he guided them like the mother goose.

Just like Renjun’s uni, it was empty at this time of the year. Only a few students were walking around, most of them throwing them bewildered glances Donghyuck had to try very hard to ignore.

It didn’t concern him. He was only here for himself!

Despite probably looking a bit ridiculous with this big a fan-club tagging along, Donghyuck let all of them follow him up to the 11th floor on which the department was located, down the hall until they had reached the correct door.

“This is me,” Donghyuck muttered, staring at the sign for a second. His button-up felt tight and restrictive, but he also felt professional and smart in it, so he squared his shoulders and ignored the uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

“You can do it!” Jaemin softly encouraged.

“Yes, you’re super good, they’ll be super impressed for sure!” Jeno agreed.

“What they said. I can’t even properly calculate percentages,” Yangyang grinned.

“And if you get accepted here, Jungwoo-Hyung will have to admit he’s wrong and Yonsei is the second-best uni in South Korea,” Guanheng snickered.

“Hey! Take that back!”

“Never!”

Donghyuck felt Renjun’s fingers against the side of his hand, stroking it for just a second before he already pulled away.

“I believe in you. Just be yourself and do your best!”

“Thank you. I will!” Donghyuck nodded and he meant it.

He felt good about this. Nervous, sure, but just enough so he had it under control!

He had no plans to let anything get into his way!

Still, as he knocked on the door he saw his hand was shaking a bit.

When he entered and left everyone else in the hallway to wait, his stomach sunk and he felt a little sick.

The woman behind the desk looked up.

It was time to seize the opportunity he had worked so hard for!

“Hello, I have an appointment?” Donghyuck softly asked, but the secretary didn’t react, she only stared at him with wide eyes.

She blinked.

Once.

Twice.

“My name is Lee Donghyuck.”

She startled back to reality.

“ _You_?”

“You can see my tag?” Donghyuck tried not to let it get to him. She probably hadn’t seen his application and why would she. It seemed like it hadn’t been wildly discussed and he was rather glad if it hadn’t.

While problems needed to be discussed to be changed, he still wanted to be seen as normal as possible. He’d never be like a human, not in this life-time, he knew that, but as close as it got was already fine for him.

He also knew Hybrids didn’t usually come to universities for appointments.

He was here to try his best to change that!

“No… No, I guess it’s fine. Have I seen you before?”

She narrowed her eyes and Donghyuck swallowed again.

“I work for the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation, I’ve been in the newspaper before.”

“Oooh, yes, yes, I know. Oh, I imagined you to look a bit different in real life. Shorter? Chubbier?” She cocked her head and Donghyuck reminded himself to remain upright as his appearance was scrutinised.

He was more than his looks, none of this truly mattered!

“I’m here for Doctor Bae,” he reminded her and she nodded.

“Right, right, of course. I didn’t expect a cat, to be honest,” she laughed as she returned to her work.

“Hybrid,” Donghyuck corrected as if it was reflex. She looked up from her screen once more.

“Excuse me?”

For a second, Donghyuck regretted having spoken up. He could have let it slide. It wasn’t a big deal or anything. Just a simplified descriptor, not meant to harm, probably.

It still harmed him, though. In the bigger picture, it was a huge issue that he was a “cat” to strangers.

He was here because he was pushing boundaries and because he was not just a “cat”. It was okay if Jaemin or Mark called him one, he even sometimes did it himself, but it was not okay when some random human did it. It stripped his humanity and it was used to belittle him and his species, so he couldn’t let it slide!

“I’m not a cat, I’m a Hybrid. Or cat Hybrid if you want.”

“Oh. Excuse me, you’re right. I didn’t expect a Hybrid. Well. Your interview will take place in Professor Choi’s meeting room, I’ll show you the way.”

She got up and showed him to the door he had just entered through.

Donghyuck didn’t have to remind himself to walk upright and proud. He marched past his friends lingering in the hallway with easy confidence.

He saw the secretary giving them more confused looks, but none of them cared, they all just waved and gave him thumbs up.

It was likely she thought this was unprofessional, but Donghyuck couldn’t find it in himself to care. He wasn’t even 20 yet, this was a university, he was sure they were used to people not being professional.

The meeting room was small but modern. It reminded him of those at the lawyers’ office, showing off the money that was put into this place to make it different from just any other uni. It was trying to leave an impression and Donghyuck found himself falling for it immediately, nerves growing stronger again.

He was left alone, but not for long. It wasn’t even two minutes, which made it exactly 11 am, until the door was opened again and two women came inside.

This part was definitely different from the office. They were dressed far more casually – though, in comparison to Mrs Jung’s fashion, everything else was a pyjama.

It didn’t matter that this made him look overdressed. Donghyuck was dressed for the job he wanted to have and it felt like armour to him because he knew what message he was sending.

He stood up to bow.

“Good morning, my name is Lee Donghyuck. Thank you so much for taking the time today.”

Wait, had they seen his fan club in the hallway, too? Now that suddenly seemed pretty embarrassing.

Luckily, no one commented on it, so it might be fine. They might have left to find food. Who knew?

The younger and shorter of the two introduced herself as Mrs Bae, the other as Mrs – or rather Professor – Choi. Again, it was different from the lawyer’s office because Mrs Bae didn’t seem like a minion but like a perfect equal despite the obvious age gap and hierarchy between the two women.

“I’m actually quite intrigued by such a change of topics!” The professor beamed. She had small wrinkles in the corners of her eyes, speaking of a lot of smiles and laughter.

Donghyuck liked her already, she felt comfortable to be around.

“That is certainly true, the last days saw me searching topics I’ve never looked up before in my life,” Mrs Bae agreed, but her smile was aloof and stiff. She seemed a bit untouchable and Donghyuck wanted to try even harder to impress her.

After all, she had given him this chance, he wanted her to see he deserved it!

“So, Mr Lee, there was a lot in your application! You’re a student at Vassar college, you study physics despite wanting to become a lawyer, and you’re a Hybrid.” Mrs Choi stated and Donghyuck nodded because all of this was true. “So, why are you here now?”

He didn’t want to tell a personal sob story to get in here. Though he knew he needed some small miracle, he didn’t want it to have been motivated by pity. It felt wrong and devaluating to be charity work when other people had so much harder fates than him.

He wanted the spot because he deserved it despite all the things he was denied as a Hybrid and thus lacked. He wanted it because they saw that he had the potential – so every other Hybrid in the future would be just as deserving and could follow his footsteps because they all deserved this as well.

Before never mentioning it ever again, he had to get it out, though. He hated saying it, it felt like he was admitting defeat or asking for some special treatment he had not done anything to deserve nor wanted, but they had to understand why he _couldn’t_ return.

It wasn’t because he was greedy or ungrateful or anything of the sorts.

If he could somehow just pull through with it, he would have.

But he couldn’t, so he needed plan C.

For plan C to work, he had to make sure he played all his cards and didn’t accidentally sabotage himself.

“I want to become a student at Yonsei University. I know I already have a spot at college and I am very happy to have been given that opportunity, but I don’t want to return to Vassar because I’ve been raped multiple times and don’t feel safe there anymore.”

It was clear the women both had known, yet Donghyuck saw the concealed shock in their eyes.

He had to carry on quickly before he lost the courage to speak up.

“I want to go to university because I want to make a change for those of my kind and help them find justice if wrong has been done to them. However, I also want to prove everyone that Hybrids are fully capable and versatile, just like humans.

“My brother’s b-um, friends are very interested in physics and learnt a lot about it, so they inspired me to try the same. They also helped me. What they had taught themselves, they’d teach me when they had the time. Through that, I realised how interesting a subject it is and it’s so different from law, yet the way of thinking and analysing objectively could be very helpful in the field, so I chose to major in physics.”

“You have a brother?” Mrs Choi asked, surprised, and Donghyuck nodded.

“Adopted.”

“Oh. I see. I’ve been to a lecture on Hybrid rights before, but I have to excuse my lack of knowledge, Mr Lee. I’ll be honest, Hybrids don’t play a role in my life.”

Donghyuck could argue with her over that.

He was sure they did – if only in ways she was unaware of, hidden somewhere, contributing unpaid labour or made into voiceless victims of inhumane treatment for her benefit.

Professor Choi’s smile became knowing and Donghyuck felt like she had seen right into his head. He felt like a child caught stealing sweets despite having done nothing comparable.

It felt weird to be faced with someone in a position so much higher and more respectable that himself, someone he wanted to impress so badly because he hoped so much for her approval, only to find out she might disagree on fundamental values – yet he was so desperate for that chance he could have let it slide and remained ignorant to the true extent.

But now she was the one to challenge him.

“You disagree, you have an expressive face, Mr Lee.”

Donghyuck could try to pick his fights, he could try to play his cards right, but he couldn’t compromise on the fundamentals of Hybrid mistreatment in society.

They were the reason why he was even here.

His chest was tight. Yes, he did disagree. He could deny it even though he knew it must be obvious. Lying would make it seem like he was no trouble, well-adjusted, pleasant – but without a backbone.

What university wanted troublesome students who couldn’t just subordinate themselves?

Or…

What university wanted brainless followers who’d blindly echo back opinions formed for them?

“I’m sorry, Mrs Choi, I do disagree, but I don’t think a discussion about the state of Hybrid rights is why I was invited?” Donghyuck smiled brilliantly. “Though, if you’re interested, I’d be happy to come back and talk about it another time.”

“Ah, a smart young man. You’re right, though. Joohyun-sshi, you prepared some more questions for Mr Lee, haven’t you?”

Donghyuck secretly hoped he’d ever get the chance to talk to Professor Choi about why not having an opinion was ultimately helping those who continued to exploit Hybrids.

In the future, if he became a student here, he might have the chance to.

“Yes, I have,” the younger woman turned to face Donghyuck and he did the same, paying her the majority of his attention if she’d now be the one addressing him.

“Since you provided a very detailed record of your classes, I believe there shouldn’t be an issue if we tested you on what these claim you know?”

Donghyuck’s stomach dropped.

He didn’t even have a calculator on himself, nevermind anything else. His last exam had been nearly quarter a year ago at this point and, no, he had not refreshed his physics knowledge over the last months. He had looked back into some concepts yesterday evening, but a test?

“I’ll happily take it!”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t make it to prove that you can’t do it; you’ll get a very fair chance. If you’ve taken the classes, you’ll do well on it. We need written proof it’s not just hot air, though.”

Her face remained cold as she spoke and Donghyuck found it hard to relax. Something about her just let him know not to mess with her – not like he had planned, but it still impressed him to the point of almost being scared.

“Before that, I still have a few other questions. How was your education ensured before you started at Vassar?”

Donghyuck nodded. This was much easier to answer!

“I was taught reading, writing, simple maths, music, art, and general knowledge on a low level by my breeder so I’d be good company. That’s normally done. In the end, I was luckily bought by my family rather than someone who wanted to be entertained. My oldest brother, he’s a Hybrid, too, had never been educated before he was adopted into the family, so they knew it was an issue and knew to check where I stood, education-wise. It turned out I was about on the same level he had reached at the time, so our dad taught us together using the Canadian curriculum to follow.

“When our parents moved to Tokyo because our mum’s work required her to move there, our dad didn’t get a work permit and thus had time to continue teaching us via skype calls and emails. We had also made more friends, some of which could help us out from time to time. I started to work harder on physics in particular. My brother’s friends had inspired me to do so because I admire them. They also helped me, which was often more effective than Skype calls, especially with more complex topics.

“Then I moved to Canada with my brother when I was 17. I became more independent and responsible for my studies because I knew exactly where I was headed. If I needed help, of course, I luckily still got it if I just asked for it. Admittedly, I did get a lot of support; I’m not the self-taught genius my brother’s friends are, but it doesn’t change I’m fully capable of grasping all these concepts and studying hard.”

“I see, thank you. You certainly didn’t overstate your determination in your motivational letter. How did you take the SATs? I looked it up, and the page that allows Hybrids to sign up says the practice was implemented in 2019, so this year. How did you take them last year?”

This was the part that Donghyuck was both a little embarrassed and proud of.

“Well, I admit I pretended to be my brother, the human one. He was born in the States, thus has citizenship, and I had figured out how to sign him up. Due to the school system, there are a lot of loopholes I could jump through.”

“But they must have noticed a Hybrid had shown up?” Mrs Bae raised a questioning eyebrow, not looking very convinced.

“I dressed up, but just enough to then later make them revise the video footage and see it was me and not my brother. That and a considerable amount of luck because Vassar college was kindly interested enough to help me.”

“Despite being so interested, they then let all of the things that happened just take place? Why didn’t they take better care of you – and of their students in general because I can only assume these things could happen to someone else, too!” Mrs Bae frowned and crossed her arms.

Donghyuck wanted to cut in that they hadn’t known, that he had never told anyone or looked for help because he had felt so scared and so ashamed, but he held his tongue.

There could have been more safety measures and more clarification that he was an equal student. He wasn’t always to blame for everything. They could have done more to keep him safe – and surely they were lacking in keeping other students safe, too.

That time in the community showers…

He pushed the memory aside. He couldn’t break into tears right now!

“It’s easier to sweep a scandal under the rug,” Mrs Choi cut in, looking pained to admit to that. Mrs Bae seemed to consider talking back, only to realise… yes… yes, it was easier to hope no one ever found out and discourage anyone from speaking up.

For a few seconds, there was thick silence in the room.

Donghyuck wondered if he should speak up or remain silent.

But he didn’t want to be someone without a backbone. He had not backed away from telling Professor Choi his opinion earlier, he wouldn’t take the blame for crimes done to him now.

His pain and fears were valid and a perfectly fine reason to make a return to Vassar impossible. If he undermined that, he’d only end up hurting himself more. That was out of the question!

“I would have never just given the chance up if there had been any way to take it. I’m still incredibly grateful I was ever given this opportunity and by now stepping away, I’m worried I might undo what positive change I was able to evoke. I just…”

He felt tears and hurriedly blinked them away.

No repetition of the court, please, no.

“There’s another opportunity now,” Mrs Choi picked up where he didn’t know what else to say and Donghyuck gave a tiny nod, hoping to calm himself quickly.

“That’s correct. We don’t think it’s acceptable for South Korea to lack behind when other countries are starting to open their education systems to Hybrids. We have the chance to do the right thing not because we’re forced into it but because we see our mistakes and want to make them right.”

“I couldn’t have said it any better. I’ll leave you two to it then, good luck, Mr Lee. I’ll be delighted to annoy all my colleagues with yet another extraordinary request.”

“Thank you, I’ll do my best so you can do that!” 

Professor Choi gave him two thumbs up before she disappeared out the door.

Mrs Bae had put a few sheets onto the table, as well as a calculator, biro, and small clock.

“Let’s get started?”

“Yes, I’m ready!”

Mrs Bae had definitely put thought into the test.

The questions were ambitious, no non-brainers, but they didn’t require him to have memorised definitions and equations he couldn’t have recalled anymore.

Instead, she tested if he knew how to solve problems when presented with them, she checked to see if he had an understanding of the material and knew how to think when addressing a question.

Donghyuck took to the test like a scared fish to water.

The question-type was exactly how Doyoung had taught him to approach the many riddles of physics. The way of thinking both he and Ten had taught him was why he had even made it through his courses despite nightmares and anxieties sabotaging his studies. It was ingrained in his brain forever.

Now, that was what let him get through the test he had been presented with.

It allowed him to wrap his head around all the small and sometimes almost mean questions from different fields and find an answer to each of them. Some answers were solid, well-founded. Others were a bit shaky, reaching, trying to brush over holes in his knowledge.

In the end, he still had found one for each of the 15 questions despite the tight one-hour time limit.

When it was up, he was sweaty and shaky from nerves, but he handed the sheet over with a good gut feeling.

Mrs Bae dragged her eyes over it, but her expression remained cold and unchanged.

“How much longer do you have? I’d like to go through this because you said you’ll be flying to the States on Thursday?”

“I have time. Could I just quickly tell my friends it’ll be a bit longer and they should go have lunch and not worry?”

Mrs Bae looked up, sudden surprise being the first thing that broke the cool façade.

“Your friends?”

“Um, yeah? They came with me for support.”

“Oh, yes, sure. Take a small break, that’s a good idea, after all, this must be stressful. How about you come to my office in 30 minutes? I hope I’ll be done by then.”

A break sounded heavenly even though he would have never asked for one.

“That’d be really nice. Where’s your office?”

“How was it?” “You look pale!” “Drink something!” “What did they say?”

“Guys, you’re so _loud_ ,” Renjun shushed the bunch of Hybrids that was all but attacking Donghyuck when he reemerged from the meeting room.

Donghyuck snatched the bottle of soda from Guanheng and tipped it back, drinking half of it in one go.

The sugar seemed to kick in almost immediately, letting the jitteriness finally subside.

“It went well so far. I have a 30 – now 28 – minute break and then I’ll be expected back in Mrs Bae’s office where she’s currently correcting the surprise test.”

“Test?” Jeno gasped.

“I’ll tell you later, let’s leave before they realise I’m just a dork after all.”

Hidden between the small crowd, it was easy to take Renjun’s hand as they rolled down the hallway towards the snack vending machines that had been spotted while waiting had become too boring to bear.

Renjun laced his fingers through Donghyuck’s and he squeezed them tight, feeling a comfortable tingle run through his body.

“If you get this spot, I’ll get you a front-page article,” Renjun whispered, low enough that Donghyuck only just caught it.

He grinned and glanced around, reassuring himself no one was seeing them, then he, quick as lightning, pressed a kiss onto Renjun’s cheek.

“I love being a famous annoying activist,” he whispered before he pulled away and marched past Jeno, who was busy counting down all the snacks he was planning to buy.

When he looked back, he saw Renjun’s face flushed pink and Guanheng having taken his spot, whining about something in Mandarin that made Renjun blush even harder.

Cute!

And Donghyuck would really like that front-page.

He agreed with Mrs Bae. He also wanted South Korea not to lack behind, he wanted people who lived here, who felt home here, like he did, to get these chances they got in other countries – he wanted these chances all over the world, but here was where he was home, where it was almost a personal mission.

He wasn’t the only Hybrid pushing for more rights.

The schools that were open to Hybrids in other places of the world hadn’t just decided to end inequality, no. Others were fighting this same fight Donghyuck was fighting and they’d continue to do so, preceding, supporting, and following him.

Donghyuck could change South Korea – and with the help of others, he could change the world.

After all, that was his favourite hobby!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)
> 
> I don't know when the next chapter will come :')


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is... very late. Thank you for waiting T T

Donghyuck thought it had been a terrible idea to eat the M&Ms from the vending machine the second he stepped into Mrs Bae’s office and his stomach turned, making him feel like he was going to throw up.

“Welcome back.”

His nod was stiff and awkward and he sat down on the edge of the chair she pointed towards.

Not knowing the result, not being certain what would happen, made his hair stick on end and the nausea almost unbearable.

“So?” He softly asked after a couple of seconds, unable to take it anymore.

“I’ve finished correcting everything and while there were some errors, the overall result would be a 95% grade.”

Donghyuck tried to convert that into A, B, C, any type of grade he knew how to rank.

Was it enough?

Mrs Bae was so unreadable, he felt like jumping over the desk and shaking her to finally tell him, but he remained still.

“We wanted you to achieve at least 95%, so this is enough for us. It’s an ambitious test and you did very well. I had hoped you would.”

All the tension fell off Donghyuck and he almost sobbed in relief.

“T-thank you,” he managed to press out.

Well, he wasn’t in yet, far from it, but he had taken yet another important step in the right direction.

Despite being loud-mouthed and somewhat confident… Donghyuck could hardly believe he was this lucky. It felt surreal to imagine he had just taken these hurdles and moved closer to his goal like he was a racer, but it was reality.

It was a reality that wasn’t crushing the life out of him.

It was a reality that made him hope and dream because it allowed him to hold the stars in his hands – maybe just for a few seconds, but he was holding them now and no one could take that from him.

“Now we need at least one letter of recommendation from a chair at Vassar. If you can, get as many as possible. I had our student worker prepare the other formalities for you. The deadline is still far away, the term only starts next year, but the sooner you hand this in, the sooner it can be processed and lord knows how long that will take.”

Donghyuck accepted a small stack of print-outs.

“I will. Thank you so much!”

He looked at Mrs Bae and for the very first time, there was a genuine smile on her face. The coldness was gone and she looked just as relieved as Donghyuck felt.

“I wished I could have done this earlier, but, well, I also never got the chance because no Hybrid was ever bold enough to just apply here.”

Donghyuck couldn’t hold a small grin. “I just really want to change the world and my friend told me you were an amazing teacher. She helped me figure out how to do this because said you might listen if I applied here.”

“Yes, actually, that intrigued me quite a lot. Would you share who that student was? Because I was quite certain it had been someone else giving you my address, only to find out he had no idea.”

Donghyuck furrowed his brows. Who else could have given him Mrs Bae’s address?

“Who are you talking about?”

Mrs Bae leaned back, her smile becoming almost mischievous.

Huh.

“So you really don’t know who I am? That’s disappointing, but, well, I guess it just further proves you’re a force to be reckoned with even without the additional support.”

It was said almost as if she was talking about the weather, but her words made Donghyuck sit up straighter, his chest becoming warm.

Yes.

Yes, he was.

But what was he missing?

“My best friend is a certain Kim Jungwoo, who at some point during university brought home a bunny Hybrid with a huge interest in physics,” she grinned, apparently finding great joy in Donghyuck’s face falling.

Jungwoo?

Bunny Hybrid?

_Doyoung?_

“What?”

How had they not _told_ him? This was mortifying!

“I’m not joking, but I promise Jungwoo didn’t say a single thing. Me being impressed, Mrs Choi being impressed, it’s all your doing. I did model the test after my favourite physics book, though. I gifted it to Doyoung at some point and I would have been disappointed had he not taught you its ways.”

“B-but they didn’t even tell me?” Donghyuck stuttered. Yes, it was great to know he had done it all by himself, but to know these connections existed and had paved the way by opening Mrs Bae’s eyes to the potential of Hybrids?

“Like I said, it’s your doing and I’m sure they wanted you to know it was. You can be proud of yourself! I hope to see you again very soon as a regular student.”

Right. Donghyuck wasn’t the only one in this. Other people were fighting the same fight.

He was paving the way, so he hoped, but that shouldn’t take from anyone else’s hard work and success, so others helping him didn’t take from his either.

As he left Mrs Bae’s office, he suddenly realised something.

Jaemin!

He had _known_!

“How did it go?”

His fanclub had barely risen from the ground when Donghyuck already had both hands on his best friend’s collar and shook him.

“How do I find out about Mrs Bae being friends with _your_ Hyung like this?”

Jaemin started fighting back, but he was also laughing obnoxiously, so Donghyuck kept going despite the struggling.

“It was funny!”

“Oh my god, guys, this is not the place to get involved in physical fights, you’re so loud!” Renjun hissed, pushing them apart and Donghyuck let him.

“So? Care to fill us in?” Yangyang asked, unfazed as if nothing had happened, then popped more Haribo into his mouth.

“Yeah. Let’s get out of here, I need, like, bubble tea or something. Lots of it,” Donghyuck announced.

Even retelling what had happened, actually had happened and was not something his brain had made up for him to long for, didn’t make it feel any less surreal.

After two cups of much too sugary drinks, Donghyuck was in a state of being as hyper as a toddler.

He was just so…

Happy.

After the last year, after having been so miserable, he suddenly had a deep-rooted appreciation for the feeling.

He knew it would most likely leave eventually, but he stayed in the moment instead of thinking ahead to when it might be over.

Patt patt.

Joy kept bubbling in his entire tummy even as his friends left, first Yangyang, then Jeno, Jaemin, and Guanheng, leaving only him and Renjun to stroll between the smaller shops in the backstreets of Apgujeong.

They had run out of things to talk about, at least for the moment. The silence between them was comfortable and the damp summer air of the evening was slowing them down.

Donghyuck checked up and down the street, but it was too crowded to take Renjun’s hand, no matter how much he wanted.

He wanted to be closer to him. He wanted to hold his hand. He wanted to cuddle against him. He wanted to kiss him.

More.

He wanted to _touch_ him.

The realisation made it almost like a need.

A need he had not felt in a very long time, but with Renjun? He knew he wanted to act on it rather than wait for it to disappear. If it was Renjun, he knew it was going to be right.

“Can we go somewhere more private? I’m melting and I want to do couple stuff, you know, the scandalous physical type,” Donghyuck whispered.

Renjun looked up, surprised. The heat had left his cheeks a soft pink that deepened now. Donghyuck smirked despite not having intended to make Renjun blush. It was always cute.

“W-what? Scandalous?”

“Is your mind in the gutter?” Donghyuck teased, leaning a bit closer. He waited to become uncomfortable, he looked for warning signs that’d tell him he couldn’t do this, it was too much, he couldn’t handle it.

Nothing happened.

“No.”

“Lies. We should do something about that.”

For a second, there was total silence between them again. Renjun’s eyes were flitting through Donghyuck’s face, searching for something, but he came up blank, it seemed. 

“Your pace,” he finally whispered and Donghyuck’s heart fluttered.

He hadn’t even thought about it, it had just suddenly happened. I was like his mind had silently healed itself and now let him know he was ready.

“My pace.”

If it was Renjun, then it was easy.

Renjun had always let Donghyuck lead, he had always preferred to give up control, so it didn’t feel much different than it always had.

At the same time, it was.

It couldn’t be forgotten between the many small questions of reassurance that Renjun asked at every step and that allowed Donghyuck to take it slow and make sure he wasn’t disregarding any warning sign.

It had to be different.

It was important and okay it was.

Renjun had changed, yet he hadn’t. The way he reacted was how Donghyuck remembered it, the small little tricks he had come up with long ago still had the same effect.

Renjun’s fingers dug into his shoulder as he held on, airy moans spurring Donghyuck on.

Donghyuck knew he had changed, yet he slowly forgot about all the bad sides of that change as Renjun let his hands drag over his body, kiss down his throat and chest until Donghyuck’s head was spinning.

It felt good. Amazing.

It was just right even though it was different.

Boundaries had formed and limited them, but they were able to move within them. Every question asked helped them learn to respect them as if it was the most natural thing and maybe it was. No hesitation was met with anger or annoyance. Donghyuck could set the pace and decide how far he’d dare to go – and let Renjun go.

It didn’t feel like anything had been missing as they both came down from their highs, hands never leaving the other’s body, kisses growing lazy and tired but never stopping.

Donghyuck wasn’t sure how many times he had told Renjun he loved him over the evening alone, but he kept repeating it and so did Renjun until it was all he knew, safe and comfortable next to the one he felt so much for.

“We should probably shower and leave.”

Donghyuck grumbled and tightened his hold on Renjun, who softly laughed. A hand came to rest on his back, gently caressing it.

“I think your parents want you home before midnight.”

“Can you not bring our parents up while we’re barely cleaned up and naked? Gross,” Donghyuck muttered, but he knew Renjun was right. As much as he wanted never to let go, the idea of falling asleep left him uneasy.

He had too many nightmares.

His panic attacks.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Renjun with both or that Renjun wouldn’t want to help him, on the contrary, but having a familiar environment was important to keep the risk as low as possible.

He’d be ripped out of it soon enough.

Renjun’s fingers stroked over his ears how Donghyuck liked it best and he decided not to move for a little longer.

“Your haircut is really cute. I wanted to say it since I saw it.”

“Mm, thanks.”

“Donghyuck?”

“Hm?”

“Look at me,” Renjun whispered and it sent a spark down Donghyuck’s spine.

The younger Renjun wouldn’t have said something like that, with his voice so soft and enticing – almost seductive.

It was like the confidence that made him just that much hotter.

Donghyuck wanted to be lured in, he wanted to follow the promise of sweet fulfilment of whatever wish he had.

He looked up and found Renjun’s eyes, warm chocolate brown and like pools to get lost in immediately. They were the most beautiful, always attentive and caring, observative and beautiful.

“Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for coming back to me. Thank you for not forgetting about me. Thank you for giving me another chance, and thank you for putting me first, sticking up for me. I love you.”

Donghyuck truly got lost, like Renjun had put a spell on him, unable to find words, too engrossed in the love Renjun offered him.

His lips were sensitive after having kissed so much, but he wanted even more as Renjun offered more.

He felt a tear roll down his cheek, but he ignored it in favour of kissing back.

He let Renjun take control, map out his mouth, caressing his cheeks so gently and lovingly, nothing else had space in his head.

The ugly awakening came when they stepped back into the street. Of course, it did, yet it still sucked to be proven right.

It was 9 pm, the time of the day Donghyuck hated the most.

The people who gave them looks made him more self-conscious than he had felt in weeks, months even.

His tail became stiff and stuck between his legs.

Could they tell they had just had sex?

Would they think about him?

Want the same?

Donghyuck clung to Renjun’s arm, escaping looks by turning his head down until he was hidden from most of the public.

He hoped to cling to the good feeling.

He was tired of anxiety, he was tired of being ashamed, but neither emotions cared that he didn’t want them.

Would someone stare at his lips, red and plush, a little swollen?

Would someone see his messy hair, unable to be tamed without a proper brush?

Self-consciousness he had thought he had left long behind was suddenly making it difficult to walk down the street.

Everyone could want to hurt him!

But he had Renjun. Renjun who pulled him as close as he could and guided the way, warning him of anything ahead the he would miss.

It was better to feel like this now, after having been able to freely be with Renjun, rather than never having been able to experience that at all.

He’d just prefer no anxiety at all.

He’d get over it, he was sure he would. He’d have to give himself time. He had taken more than a baby step earlier, that had been a true wrecking-ball move!

“Are you going to see Jungwoo-Hyung tomorrow?” Renjun had kept asking small questions ever since Donghyuck had frozen in the door and searched for support. They kept Donghyuck out of the spiral downwards, so he diligently thought about and answered all of them, regardless of how shallow they were.

Renjun did this for him and he loved him just a tiny bit more because he did.

“Yeah. I hope I plateaued. Not sure, though.”

“Are you going to buy the new limited edition Union tee?”

“I already pre-ordered it. I mean, it comes in orange. I’ll look like a warning sign.”

Renjun snorted out a laugh and Donghyuck smiled to himself.

“You will, it’ll be so cute.”

“I know.”

“We'll turn right next, we’re almost there. We should have taken the bus.”

“But it’s crowded and gross.”

“It would have been faster, though, and it’s not like we’re not both sweating anyway.”

“I’ll take a nice bath. Are you going to be at Cheongdam tomorrow?” Donghyuck turned the game around.

“If you will, then, yes.”

“Good. Do you think Taeyong-Hyung and Yuta-Hyung also said what their reasons were for not being sure our relationship was a good idea during that lunch on Sunday?”

Slowly, Donghyuck was able to raise his head again. He unclamped from Renjun’s arm. He didn’t manage more, but it was already progress. Patt patt.

“I… probably? I don’t think they really had a problem, do you?”

Donghyuck nibbled on his lower lip. It tingled and he thought back to Renjun gently biting down on it. He lowered his head again, but from being a little ashamed of his own thoughts this time.

“They certainly looked shell-shocked.”

“But they also both immediately jumped into the Jaemin-situation,” Renjun gently pointed out.

“Yeah, but… maybe I’m overreacting.” Donghyuck felt silly for having such thoughts, but even as he scolded himself internally, they remained.

“Or not. I think asking them would be best. If you saw them look a certain way, there could be something to it that I missed or didn’t expect. You know, Yuta-Hyung sometimes poorly reflects his emotions. It could be an easy misunderstanding and you’d feel a lot better clearing it up.”

Donghyuck swallowed.

“Yeah, I know.”

“I can ask them if you want.”

“Maybe. Let my head be dumb tonight and we’ll talk about it tomorrow?”

“We can do that. A lot happened today. I think my head is also still busy catching up.”

“Mm. But the most was very amazing.”

“It _so_ was,” Renjun’s voice had become soft and affectionate and Donghyuck giggled a little because, confused and anxious or not, he was happy.

The walls in Jungwoo’s kids’ office were light yellow, with one painted in rainbow.

Pastel-pink, peach-orange, pale-yellow, mint-green, baby-blue, soft-lavender.

It wasn’t by accident, yet no one ever noticed as far as Donghyuck knew. It was easy to miss something if you felt like it didn’t concern you at all.

Normally, Donghyuck would be in the other room, the one with the light blue walls, but today there were no kids to treat before or after him, it seemed, and Seulgi had put him in here.

Maybe he should also pain his walls rainbow? After all, he’d stay here for a bit longer. He could make it a bit smaller so it’d be less work but use the actual colour scheme. He could even add pink, yellow, and blue on the side? Or he could put up a poster, maybe?

He let his brain come up with all the different possibilities there were. It was fun to consider them.

“Hello, Donghyuck,” he looked up upon being greeted.

“Hi, I’m back!”

Jungwoo chuckled and pushed his chair over to sit down in front of where Donghyuck was on the patient bed.

“So? How was the week?” He asked how he always did. Taeil also always asked when Donghyuck came to get checked up.

“Good. Wow, Mrs Bae from Yonsei, who was the only one that so far replied to my application, said she knew you! Can you imagine the shock I felt? Amazing!”

Donghyuck leaned closer to squint at Jungwoo, who kept an innocent smile on.

“I can, but how stupid would it have been had I needlessly gotten involved?”

“Mm, that’s right. The needless part. I mean, it’s not like I’m in, but they’re giving me a really big chance. Guess Yonsei might be the better uni after all; I’ve not heard back from KU.”

“Aish,” Jungwoo laughed and pretended to flick his forehead, which only made Donghyuck laugh harder.

It felt good.

So good.

“Since Monday, it was a good week,” Donghyuck added.

Jungwoo’s eyes were attentive, never missing anything.

“And, well, I hope it’ll be fine tomorrow,” he trailed off.

“I hope so, too. Haneul-sshi and Johnny will come with you, won’t they?”

Donghyuck nodded. Mark and Minjun had initially planned to tag along as well, but after discussions, they had decided there was no benefit to that at all. 

“Then you have a very important part of your support network with you. I think you did your very best to thoroughly prepare – but it’ll always be difficult.”

“Yeah.” Donghyuck knew that. “I’m just scared I won’t be able to speak again. That was… awful.”

There was a moment of silence in which Donghyuck remembered how lost he had been, how he had tried and miserably failed to hold his tears, how he had gotten sent away.

“It’s a new chance. A difficult chance, but a new one. No one there knows what happened. It’s different people, even a different country. You won’t just be there as a witness. Maybe all that combined can help to make a difference.”

Donghyuck nodded. Jungwoo was right about that. He had not considered that maybe being the plaintiff wouldn’t only feel a lot better because he felt taken more seriously, but that the confidence he gained from that might also impact his overall emotional stability at the court.

“Thank you. I’ll remember that.”

“You’re welcome. Do you feel ready to step on the scale?”

“More than ever,” he jumped off the bed and ran a hand down his tail that had started to get achy from sitting. It normally wasn’t that sensitive, but it had been through so much, Donghyuck understood.

“Um, Donghyuck,” Jungwoo’s brows furrowed as he focused on the collar of his t-shirt.

Oh no, Donghyuck knew exactly what Jungwoo had just spotted there.

He brought a hand up to cover where two purple bruises sat just on the crook of his neck, apparently not even hidden by the most covering clothes he owned.

“N-nothing, it’s… mosquitos.”

The tenseness melted from Jungwoo’s frame and a small grin replaced the worry.

“Mosquitos? Is that your nickname for Renjun?”

Donghyuck’s face heated up even more and he evaded Jungwoo’s knowing eyes.

It was normal, right? He had never been too shy to talk about sex, right?

But he had never talked about what exactly he did and maybe he didn’t have to be open about that to be okay.

Not everything about his life needed to be openly shared for him to be mentally healthy. He deserved privacy – and it was okay to feel bashful about such things, right? Patt patt.

“As long as I know it’s no reason to worry, I won’t pry.”

“No reason. On the contrary,” Donghyuck announced, still unable to get over his burning face and look at Jungwoo.

“I’m happy for you. And for your mosquito.”

“Oh my god.”

Would this become Mark-cabbage-head 2.0?

But Donghyuck felt too happy that, yes, he had enjoyed it, yes, he was happy, and, yes, he and Renjun were supported as boyfriends, to really worry about becoming a running gag.

Once he was done and Jungwoo had added another cross way too low on the chart, but at least no lower than last week, Donghyuck returned upstairs.

It never felt like he was a guest here, he had even overcome the moment of missing the old flat – that would be bursting at this point, so it was really for everyone’s best they had moved here.

It was a combination of Donghyuck not usually having an issue getting closer to strangers and of the openness and comfort that the family offered everyone. He had never before hesitated to just invite himself over and he still didn’t. He knew he was always welcome here.

Later, they’d all meet up to play, but before that, Renjun had interviews to hold with Yerim, Jeno, and the others. He had to be important and smart and handsome while Donghyuck sorted his issues out. His issues were called Yuta and Taeyong and their disapproving faces Saturday night.

Yes, Donghyuck was going to just hijack their time and ask because he wanted no more uncertainty.

He had considered to wait for Renjun and do it together, but he felt like it was his personal problem and not so much Renjun’s. Additionally, like Sicheng and Xiaojun had said, it would be a much more balanced discussion if there were equally many people on each side – so one on each in these cases.

When exactly Renjun and Jeno would come home wasn’t clear either because these things could take anywhere from ten minutes to ten hours.

Donghyuck missed it, but as much as he did, he realised with the hearings going on, he didn’t have the energy to properly work for the Union. It was best to take a break for his mental health. Donghyuck didn’t want to put the additional stress onto himself and, for once in his life, he actually didn’t.

He also still feared his potential negative impact on their image if he represented them publicly – after what still felt like a failed hearing even more than before. So much as appearing on Jeno’s channel seemed too provocative right now, so he had gone on leave after just two episodes of being a fixed host.

He’d come back, that was for certain. He just didn’t know when he would be able to.

On this normal morning, everyone had their responsibilities to attend. Doyoung, Xiaojun, and Johnny were gone for work, Jaemin and Yangyang were still in one of the many parks of Seoul to take aesthetically pleasing photos of the sunscreen they were to advertise on their Instagram profiles.

Donghyuck was looking forward to spending the afternoon together, playing games and cuddling so he could stock up on physical affection for his trip to the states.

He knew he’d need to save up as much as he could get because it was going to drain him.

Right now, the flat was still quiet and the scent of food lingered in the air when he came inside.

It was a good opportunity to catch Taeyong, or so he thought, but the kitchen was surprisingly crowded when he marched inside.

“Hi! Is there something free I can get here? What’s going on?” Donghyuck looked around, finding Taeyong, Jaehyun, Sicheng, and Guanheng sitting on the table and chopping vegetables, a soup softly simmering on the stove.

“A free cramp in your hand?”

“Free spare healthy carrots?”

“Free unfunny entertainment?”

“I want entertainment,” Donghyuck chuckled and took the only empty chair to sit down in.

He glanced at Taeyong and wondered if there would be a chance to still get him alone. Maybe later? But he’d only have the break to catch Yuta. It was slightly tricky, maybe he should have prepared by asking Taeyong to make time for him?

Too late now.

“How was the weighing?” Guanheng asked, yellow eyes fixed on the food. He tried to sound nonchalant like it wasn’t a big deal because it was still moderately embarrassing for Donghyuck. The less fuss about it, the better, but he just as much appreciated being asked.

Guanheng cared.

Donghyuck knew and he was grateful.

He knew they all cared and he now also knew he deserved it.

He was never alone even when he felt like his fate was easier.

“Stagnant but at least no loss. What are you making? What will be for lunch?”

“Naengmyeon because it’s still too hot,” Taeyong chirped. He had put his knife aside and reached out to stroke over Donghyuck’s head.

He accepted the impromptu petting all too happily. There was almost no wrong time and place for this.

“I’m slightly scared to inform you there’s something boiling, though,” Donghyuck teased as he leaned in even more. Taeyong scratched the base of his ears _just_ right and Donghyuck purred in bliss.

“You don’t say so? Are we to starve for breakfast?” Sicheng shot back.

Donghyuck didn’t want them to starve, of course, but he still laughed at Sicheng’s slightly dramatised complaint.

Having known Sicheng ever since Taeil had adopted him, Donghyuck knew all too well he had not always been like that. At a point, Sicheng had been too scared to even speak, that was how gruesome his past was.

If Sicheng could heal, so could Donghyuck. He already was.

“Yeah, since everyone is helping me so diligently, I used the opportunity to make them chop what they eat,” Taeyong chuckled and, unfortunately, stopped petting him.

“Speaking of. Here.” Guanheng had gotten an additional knife and board, which he set down in front of Donghyuck.

“I was here for the entertainment?” Donghyuck complained but picked up a carrot. He wasn’t some spoilt little brat anymore. Mostly. Carrots were easy work anyway, so he copied what the others had been doing.

Suddenly, he felt a finger against his throat and without any warning, his shit’s collar was tugged down.

Panic shot through his body, hot and cold running down his back.

No.

He had not allowed this.

He did not want this!

He jerked away, slapping the hand that had been touching him.

Fear made his head spin, his breath coming quickly as he was forced to imagine what might happen next, how he’d be hurt.

“Uh oh,” someone whispered and it took him a second to realise he had just hit _Taeyong_ , who stared at him with round eyes, hand pulled against his chest.

The fear subsided, but his heart was still hammering too quickly in his chest.

He hadn’t meant to do that. It was just Taeyong. He had hurt him without reason because his body had reacted before he had been able to think about his actions.

Because he had been scared, triggered into bad memories.

Fuck.

“You’re bruised!” Taeyong whispered.

“Hyung, don’t just pull on people’s clothing like that,” Sicheng softly chided and Taeyong’s ears tugged closer against his skull.

Jaehyun was nibbling on his lower lip, looking lost, and Donghyuck wished he had had himself in control.

He didn’t know what to say. Sorry? He was, but he was still feeling the aftershocks of downright terror.

“Oh. I’m very sorry, Hyuckie. I shouldn’t have, just… I just… did someone hurt you?” Taeyong looked both upset by his own actions and by what he had spotted and thus prompted him to even go ahead and do it.

Donghyuck took a deep breath.

He wanted to run away. He was so embarrassed to have overreacted like this, but that wouldn’t solve anything.

“No. Tell me if you… touch me like that. That scared me.”

“I’m really sorry, but should we worry? Who did that? Where did that happen?”

Donghyuck’s face burnt up.

He had had too much fun yesterday to feel bad now, but it was so _embarrassing_. It was a clear downside to everyone being so perceptive and caring, yet not jumping to the conclusion that Minjun had when he had seen these in the morning.

Though the suppressed laughter had been bad enough.

Almost as bad as the mosquitos. He didn’t want that to become a thing, he couldn’t use it as an excuse again, that’d be worse than any questions could ever be.

“It’s really nothing, it’s just… hickeys.” 

Guanheng’s laughter echoed off the kitchen’s walls, immediately joined by some poorly suppressed grunting from Jaehyun while Sicheng rolled his eyes a little and now Taeyong turned pink.

“Oh. Yeah. You’re right. They’re love bites. My bad. That was… unnecessarily embarrassing. I’m really sorry I touched you without warning, but my brain short-circuited for a second. I won’t do it again.”

“Okay. Yeah, let’s forget this happened,” Donghyuck stared at the carrot.

“Sorry, not until the day I die, oh my god, that was _gold_ ,” Guanheng gasped, still laughing.

So that was what it felt like to be on the receiving end of this.

Well.

Donghyuck made fun of other people so much, he really had to take it now.

“And your face, Hyung,” Jaehyun pressed out, still trying so hard to keep his laughter in, but it was a futile effort.

“Especially _you_ should recognise those, aren’t you the expert here?” Sicheng added and even Donghyuck could slowly grin about the situation.

Objectively speaking, it had been very funny, other than the short moment of flashback.

“I’m the oldest here, I deserve more respect,” Taeyong grabbed his knife and started panic-chopping. “I was simply concerned, but I’m very glad there was no reason to worry since it was Injoon and we all know he can be trusted. Yes.”

Donghyuck sobered up and finally tore his eyes from the carrot.

Sure, three other people were on the table as well, but in this family, problems weren’t kept secret anyway.

If there was one, they’d already know and Donghyuck could finally get it off his chest and clear the air.

“You do trust Renjun, don’t you?”

Taeyong paused, then looked up and Donghyuck saw he had not imagined things. There was doubt in Taeyong’s face, worry and hesitation, but it was pushed away with a shake of Taeyong’s head.

“Yes, I trust him because not doing so would be quite unreasonable and selfish after everything he has done for me and my family. I’m sure if it’s him, he’ll do the right thing.”

A smile grew on Donghyuck’s face.

So, Taeyong had come to that conclusion himself?

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” Donghyuck scooted towards Taeyong’s side until he could nuzzle his head against his shoulder. “The ocean can be as wide as the pacific or as small as the Euripus Strait, just like the difference between us.”

Donghyuck felt Taeyong’s hand in his hair once more, the sound of knives hitting chopping boards like even background noise.

“When did you become so mature, hm? You keep surprising me as such a smart young man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What even is a posting schedule that this point OTL
> 
> Note: 35°C = 95°F. I know a LOT happens in the chapter but it’s still quite short. I was trying to tame the beast I had created in the previous chapters with questionable success…

“Yo.”

“Hi.”

Donghyuck closed the door to Yuta and Sicheng’s room behind himself and stalked over to the sofa on which Yuta was spread out.

“A rare guest.” Yuta opened one eye and rose an eyebrow. “I feel like you are here to tell me something rather than enjoy the view?”

“The view is nice, though.”

It was, but you couldn’t see as far as from one of the skyscrapers.

“Mm, but not as nice as to become a tourist attraction.”

Yuta kept the one open eye on him.

“Maybe.”

Donghyuck settled on the armrest and tried to get comfortable. It was always a bit difficult when adrenaline was making his heart race, but it was too important to Donghyuck to brush over or postpone.

Even more so after so easily clearing the air with Taeyong, he didn’t want anything unnecessarily weighing him down when he’d fly to the states tomorrow.

“I have a question if you have time.”

“That’s more like it. I do. So?” Yuta opened his other eye and started playing with one of the many bracelets around his wrists.

“You kinda looked really shocked when Renjun and I revealed our relationship and… guess I just wanted to ask if there was anything you didn’t like about it and if I could change it. It’s important to me.”

Yuta had sat up and now pulled Donghyuck off the armrest to hug. Donghyuck let himself be manhandled. As previously stated, there was hardly any wrong place or time for this. Yuta liked to hug people he cared about.

Donghyuck had a weakness for people who’d cuddle him rather than the other way around. He made himself small so he could sit against Yuta better.

“No. I was just genuinely shocked. Imagine if Yangyang and Mark announced their relationship, it was just that surprising to me.”

“Yangyang? The same aro-ace Yangyang I know and so often hear making jokes about how he’ll stay single forever and laugh about our relationship problems?”

“Excuse me, smart-ass? Chenle and Mark then.”

“They’re both straight… allegedly.”

“See? That’s how surprising it was to me. I don’t really have an issue with it, not how Sichengie did. I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine. Is there anyone who does?”

Donghyuck shook his head.

“Not as far as I know. I think Sookyung is worried, but she didn’t say so. I thought I’d just not care if someone was against it, but I realised I care too much.”

Yuta hummed.

“I get that, plans and reality clashing unpleasantly. It’d just be like that sometimes. How did you even get together? Especially when you just… um, you know? Came back.”

Donghyuck chuckled softly.

“Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t have sought a boyfriend first thing coming home. We dated before I left. It just… happened, I guess. I’ve always liked him, he’s really cute, awkward, and sarcastic. Turned out he liked me, too, so.”

“And then?” Yuta asked carefully, tracing over the back of Donghyuck’s ear. It felt really nice. Was he not talking, he’d be purring, but instead, his voice just became wobbly.

“We broke up. It wouldn’t have worked, but now everything changed. Mainly, Renjun was able to free himself of his grandparents and their influence and I won’t be in the States anymore. Our feelings hadn’t disappeared, so he actually really helped and still helps me to get over everything that happened.”

“Cute. I’m happy for you. Someone you love can make a big difference.”

“Thank you. They do.”

“I’m sorry I made you worry. I was genuinely surprised and I’m depressed as fuck even though it’s summer, so that’s fun. It messes with everything, so I hope you can just forget about it. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Donghyuck curled against Yuta a bit more.

He knew Yuta didn’t talk about it easily, so he must feel very bad about having made Donghyuck worry, which in turn made him want to reassure Yuta since he had shown this much vulnerability.

“Okay. Already almost forgotten, I just have to tell Renjun it’s fine and then it’ll be deleted off the hard-drive forever. I’m sorry you’re not in the hormones are the real MVP club.”

Yuta chuckled, shaking him a bit because he was so close.

“You know, I am, but the effect even of the right anti-depressant won’t magically cure you. Doyoung and Chenle also risk something, some side effect that could really hurt them. Humans also do, but less because these drugs are made for them. Or… well. Let’s not get into that. For them, the side-effects can’t outweigh the benefit, though, while for me, it just isn’t like that. The benefit is too small and even within the benefit, there’s an additional risk. It’s okay, though. I know I have more than enough I want to live for even without it.”

“Good!” Donghyuck muttered.

He remembered the day when Yuta had not felt like that.

He had been so much younger and more naïve, back then, in 2015. It had felt like the end of the world to hear a friend would have almost not been there anymore and that he had never known nor been able to stop him from feeling this way.

Growing up and especially after he had gotten adopted into the Lee family, Donghyuck hadn’t cried a lot because he had not had many reasons to. With his breeder, he had seen punishments as encouragements to repeat the pattern just to fuck with people. No scolding or fight had ever really gotten to him, and then his newly gained freedom had just ripped all his worries away for the first years.

He had cried all of that day, but it hadn’t been Yuta’s fault, it never would be. In his case, there was no offender, just a victim. It wasn’t like the demons that haunted Donghyuck, there was no trial to have, no person to convict.

The bracelets hid the proof that it had ever happened. They hid it both from Yuta and from everyone around him, so they could move on and look to the future – the future in which Yuta was still by their side.

Donghyuck wasn’t even sure if seeing those who were the reason for _his_ endless nightmares go to prison would fix anything for him.

Probably not. It was never that easy, not for Yuta, not for Sicheng, not for him.

He was already out of their reach in Seoul, yet that hadn’t broken the circle.

He was the only one who could do that by putting the past into the past.

Maybe knowing they’d face consequences would help that process.

It would be the right thing. It was important, not only and exclusively for himself, but in the bigger picture. He could never forget about that if he wanted to change the world!

It’d show the public that he was _not_ a toy – and neither was any other Hybrid.

If just one other person could be saved from the same fate, it’d be good.

If just one human could change their mind, that’d be good.

It’d not be enough, of course.

Donghyuck would not be satisfied with some baby steps.

But he had to learn how to crawl before he could run.

He’d crawl to his goal like a creepy monster freed from another dimension through a mirror, though. The counter-demon, so to speak, the one that screeched for justice.

“Ah, I’m home.”

Donghyuck tried to smile about Johnny’s joke.

“Do you have everything? What about your passport?”

Donghyuck knew Haneul had his passport. Wishing she had not wouldn’t change anything. He didn’t not want to go.

He was just scared, it was normal to be scared. Patt patt.

“Minjun-ah, of course, I have everything! I’m not flying for the first time.”

The airport was gigantic. Bigger than it had ever looked before.

Masses of people pushing past them made Donghyuck feel like he was in an ocean, drowning.

Mark’s and Johnny’s hands were like lifelines he clung to.

Despite already having put on his big varsity jacket in the Metro when the airconditioning had made him start to shiver, he felt cold.

It was his anxiety. He knew it was. It made him jittery and freeze even when he was in a 35°C room. There was some medical reason behind that, which Kun had ranted about some time ago, but Donghyuck had long forgotten.

Maybe it’d be better once they were on the plane and there was no return.

_Or not._

No return sounded awful. He would most definitely return home.

Great.

He was ruining his own strategies to lessen his anxiety and stress and creating more of both for himself.

Sounded like a talent.

“Hyuckie, do you want to drink anything before the security check?”

Donghyuck shook his head. He didn’t feel thirsty and he had already forced himself to each lunch. He had no capacity to push his body into taking anything else.

If he would have to throw up, it’d be easier if his stomach was empty anyway.

They found the counter for their airline. The queue at the check-in was endless.

The longer it was, the longer he could still have Mark and Minjun here.

Of course, that was now suddenly a problem. Donghyuck had never even thought about it twice when they had decided Haneul, as his owner, and Johnny, as the worried older brother he was, would be the ones coming with him.

Of course, now his brain decided he couldn’t work without Mark and Minjun.

Too bad it was too late for that now. They were going to stay here, just like Renjun.

Donghyuck read through the messages Renjun had sent him. He had taken screenshots so he could have quick access.

He replied to a few texts. Harvey had sent a picture of the Union’s board in front of King Sejong’s statue on Gwanghwamun where they had recorded for another YouTube channel.

Once all of this was over, Donghyuck would finally be in these pictures again, too. Having been back for just a few short weeks had only made him hungry for more. How his stomach turned told him he had made the right decision in waiting, though. Any additional pressure was too much – especially right now.

He turned his phone off and pocketed it again.

Johnny talked about the special McDonalds menu he had spotted.

Mark said something about a release by a rapper Donghyuck didn’t know – or maybe had known at some point but forgotten about again.

Minjun talked about his back being better.

Haneul considered if she needed to buy extra toothpaste in the States because it wasn’t sold in London due to EU ingredient restrictions.

Donghyuck didn’t want the queue to move, but, of course, it did until they were the ones in front of the desk.

Having to lean over a counter to allow a human to read his tags always came with a certain level of degradation. It was why Hybrids had to wear tags rather than getting an ID. Not even the passport with the thick letters “HYBRID” made up for the procedure.

At least the lady didn’t seem to enjoy it all that much either, with how hurriedly she checked the number engraved into the city’s official tag and let him go again.

Donghyuck’s suitcase disappeared down the belt.

He hadn’t doubted it would, but seeing it go was upsetting nevertheless.

_It is okay to be scared, it is okay to be scared, it is okay to be scared._

“Hyuck, I think you’ve gotta let go of me.”

That was right. Past this point, only passengers with a boarding pass were allowed.

“I wish you a very safe flight and a somewhat pleasant stay. Best of luck for the visit at Vassar,” Minjun repeated what he had already said and Donghyuck tried to think about that rather than his anxieties.

He knew he had no way to silence his anxieties so he only tried to function right now.

Even that was difficult.

He didn’t want to cry, but he still did as Minjun hugged him goodbye, rubbing his back. He still did as Mark ruffled through his hair and squeezed his cheeks just to mess with him.

“You’ll be back in just a bit over a week. It’ll be so fast you won’t even beat the jetlag!”

Donghyuck nodded, but his tears kept falling.

He was being unreasonable, but he couldn’t find reason in his heart.

He let Johnny drag him away because he didn’t want to go out of his free will.

Somehow Donghyuck got through security.

Somehow the time before boarding passed.

Somehow the flight to New York City went by.

Somehow the wait for the connection ended.

Somehow Donghyuck got through immigration.

When he looked at the clock, it was Friday evening in Seoul, but only morning in Poughkeepsie.

The weather was nice. It was sunny, relatively warm.

The hotel was simple but new. The lady at the check-in said they could have a room with a bathtub. It was designed for people travelling with their Hybrid. It was great, she said, all the business people coming here were very satisfied with it.

Donghyuck cried because it was so unfair the only reason why there could be a bathtub was that other cat Hybrids were taken along to please their owners. Available anywhere and at any time. Without a say, without the option no.

The lady at check-in asked if he was alright.

They declined the room.

Just the thought of anyone having been made to do something on the same bed he should sleep in without their explicit informed consent made so much as imagining to lie down there unbearable right now.

So, the room he shared with Johnny was a normal one.

It was nice. Warm and bright. And Johnny was there.

It only had a shower, but it was much better than the alternative.

Donghyuck took the fastest shower in a long time. He hated falling water!

The figure greeting him in the mirror had faint similarities with the person he expected. The hair colour was the same – other than that, he didn’t recognise himself. He was chalky despite the bronze hue his skin had thanks to the sun tanning him gently. His eyes were puffy and his cheeks bony.

He looked like an entire mess and a perfect fit for the role of a revenge demon, so there was that.

He had an appointment at the chair with the professor he had liked the most in five hours.

It was still far away.

Donghyuck decided he’d sleep.

Sleep was always good for overcoming anxiety and just starting fresh. Hidden by the red, his eyes had purple circles under them, so it’d also help lessen the demonic appearance. He’d only need that in a few days, not today.

He was desperate to get a letter of recommendation, actually, he had wanted to get two, how Doctor Bae had suggested. He’d love to at the very least have a back up if he was denied, but this was the only chair that had neither rejected nor ghosted his request.

Maybe the news of his trial had gotten around and people were angry? Disgusted? Thought he had had it coming? Didn’t want their name connected to him? Hoped he’d realise where his place was?

Oh no, Donghyuck wasn’t that easy to break!

He only had one chance then, but he’d use it!

His brain refused to think about the consequences it’d have if he didn’t get it.

He just needed sleep so badly.

So, Donghyuck curled up into the sheets with Johnny sitting against the headboard and reading, promising protection.

For once, the safety had been enough to silence the nightmares.

Donghyuck was surprised when he woke from Johnny gently calling his name and telling him he had to get up so he could get ready for his appointment.

It was rare he didn’t wake from his asthma.

It was nice, especially after the miserable flight and the knowledge he was closer to the places of his greatest traumas.

The bed was soft, too, and the blankets warm.

Slowly, he blinked his eyes open.

He felt the jetlag deep in his bones. It’d be the middle of the night in Seoul right now, his body protested having to wake and get up.

“How much longer do I have?” He asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“An hour, but we need 30 minutes to get there.”

“Hrm.”

The sheet were soft and smelt of laundry detergent.

“Your hair looks like it exploded because you went to sleep with it wet, I think you need the preparation time to look professional, Hyuckie.”

Sluggishly, Donghyuck reached up to confirm Johnny’s observation.

It was like a bird’s nest. He’d probably have to wet and blow-dry it to make it look decent.

“Urgh,” Donghyuck collected his body off the mattress slowly, pushing the covers aside.

Immediately, he felt anxiety flare up, his stomach tightening uncomfortably.

“You have to choose my outfit,” he muttered because he truly wasn’t in the right mindset. Johnny was into fashion, he knew better anyway.

“Gladly. Aw, you look so cute, so fluffy.”

Donghyuck let Johnny ruffle through his unruly hair.

He could do this.

He totally could do this!

“I can do this!”

“You most definitely can.”

A shy smile spread on Donghyuck’s face, if just for a second.

Stepping back onto the campus wasn’t as bad as Donghyuck had feared it would be.

It wasn’t nice, not at all, but he didn’t have to throw up.

That was a win in his books.

He strategically avoided even passing the dorm building on their way. It was like slipping back into the rhythm of things. Again, it felt relatively nice, definitely not as terrible as it could be.

The campus was beautiful, with flowers blooming and rich green framing streets and buildings. He knew his way around here, so he used the nicest detour away from the student accommodations.

Especially during the last months, it had meant his safety to know how to avoid a place or a person without making it obvious. Disappearing into thin air had been the safest escape.

Even though he was at the same place that he connected to so much pain, he didn’t feel it as strongly and he contributed a lot of that to the fact that he wasn’t alone. Johnny was right behind him while Haneul was by his side.

Summer school was running, so the campus wasn’t empty, just like those in South Korea hadn’t been ghost towns, just calmed down. Compared to the regular semester, it was quiet.

Johnny kept taking snapshots of the buildings while Haneul asked Dongyuck about dinner.

He let himself be distracted. It wasn’t about being strong right now, it was about being functional.

He had decided before even coming that he had to cut himself extra much slack and accept setbacks. It was like the game was paused for the week in the US. Once he’d be back home, he’d continue getting better. Right now, he was utilising all the progress he had made to keep it together and he felt like he was doing quite well as they entered the science building and he could open the door with steady hands.

He had nothing against the classes he had taken here. Quite the opposite! They were the reason why he had thought he could come back. As they walked down the hall, Donghyuck had no idea how he had planned to do that.

Just the thought of being back here as a student was enough to make him want to throw up after all.

Even going on pure stubbornness alone wouldn’t have saved him.

Which was why it was so important to him to get this letter!

“You want to change schools? Where would you go to, though?”

His professor’s eyes were judging. The room was nice but old. It was very different from Yonsei.

Especially the cold and disapproving attitude his professor was giving him.

“I don’t know yet. Hopefully to a university in Seoul. After what happened, I want to return home.”

Donghyuck’s accent had gotten worse over the break. Talking to Harvey had hardly stopped the process. If anything, it was worse because his English pronunciation tried to mix into Donghyuck’s American.

He felt incapable and the professor’s unrelenting scrutiny and disapproval only strengthened the feeling.

“Hm. You’re homesick? Vassar took a big risk in giving you this spot, but now you throw the towel after just one year? Maybe you should have thought it through better and never even bothered, just accepted your role as a pet.”

Donghyuck stared at the man he had always liked the most because he had never made any comment at all and just treated him like any other student.

He had been the only one to reply to his request and quite kindly so.

What was going on?

“I… don’t.” Was all he could return. He had just said so and previously explained in his email that he was not at all giving up.

“Yes, clearly, you are. I only agreed to meet up to remind you of this incredible chance. It wouldn’t look good if you threw it away.”

It was like his own reproach was being thrown at him after he had taken weeks and months to unpack, accept, and overcome it by coming to terms with being allowed to put his mental health first.

The road was slippery. It’d be easy to fall right back into guilt and fear of failure, stacking expectations onto his shoulders until his knees would buckle and give in.

He had wanted to leave that behind.

“I know.”

He knew how it looked and he had decided he still needed to do it for himself – but now he was doubting that again.

He should pull himself together and just go through the remaining three years. It wasn’t even that long. He should be able to handle it!

“Then just pull yourself together and finish the three years. It’s really not that long. The youth these days is not equipped to face a single obstacle. Seems like they managed to even put that in Hybrids, what a pity. This could have been the chance to fix what’s wrong.”

It was like tears of upset and anger choked him up, his anxiety numbed his body and rendered him unable to speak, unable to find the words to say.

_A single obstacle._

He was too weak to face a _single_ obstacle?

When, in the same breath, he pointed out how it was up to Donghyuck to change what was wrong? Years, decades, of abuse, and he should just fix it and if he couldn’t, it was because of a minor inconvenience?

“I would. I don’t want to quit. I hate quitting,” Donghyuck heard himself flounder. He tried to stop the flow of words, barely strung together in the foreign language he had struggled so much with, but he couldn’t. “I feel like a failure and like I let everyone down. I want to learn so badly. I want to be taken seriously. I don’t want to be ungrateful and weak, but… I… can’t…”

He didn’t know what else to add.

He wasn’t even crying. It was too overwhelming for his body to properly show emotions.

He just blankly stared without seeing anything.

“Then why are you? I really don’t understand. You’re a decent student, pretty good even. I get you worked hard to get this spot. Why are you throwing it away if you don’t even want to? Are your owners making you?”

The professor’s entire demeanour had changed and he sat down in front of Donghyuck, waiting for an explanation.

He didn’t press and let Donghyuck construct an answer slowly.

“No. The people here.”

“I looked into your file, you weren’t kicked out. What are you talking about?”

Once more, he just waited for the reply that Donghyuck needed several seconds to find.

“O-other students. They’re the reason.”

“I can’t believe it was that bad. What happened? You know boys will be boys. Hybrids are more sensitive sometimes, you probably misunderstood.”

Boys will be boys…

“I was raped. Fourteen times.”

Silence fell over the room.

Donghyuck was unable to even look up. He didn’t know what to do, how to function. It felt too real having to say it where it had happened. It was too scary to lose this chance to leave that behind and still advance on his path to the goal he was striving for.

He had no formal education other than this and even for this to be counted, he needed a recommendation.

He was not facing _one_ obstacle.

He was facing an entire obstacle course, so long, the end was out of sight – but so was the start. As he was going, people threw more into his way, piling it up to slow him down, but Donghyuck still wanted to run – if only he knew how.

“Here?” The professor’s question broke the silence, disbelief and shock in his voice.

The insistence that he couldn’t tell anyone was loudly echoing in Donghyuck’s head.

He knew that was bullshit – yet actually telling a professor took all the courage he could find in his scared heart.

“At the dorms, mostly,” he explained shakily as the memories and guilt almost overwhelmed him.

The man left out a deep breath, leaning back in his chair as if he was slowly wrapping his head around that.

_He hadn’t even known._

It must not be in the college’s interest to let anyone know there was an active trial against students going on.

“The hearings will be next week. That’s why I’m here,” Donghyuck added even softer. He had just automatically assumed everyone knew, but he had completely misjudged the situation.

Maybe he was just not that important and that was both a relief and yet new frustration.

“I’ll have to… verify… that. At the dorms? Fourteen times?”

Donghyuck nodded stiffly. He should verify it. That was good.

The man got up and slowly stepped behind his computer. He kept throwing Donghyuck glances, still in clear shock rather than disapproval.

Donghyuck didn’t know what to do, barely how to keep it together, so he just stared ahead of himself and waited.

The sound of the keyboard was all that was in the room for a few moments.

Then the mouse.

Then there was silence again.

“I didn’t know that. I apologise. That’s… horrific, what is that video…”

“Please, don’t look at it, _please_.”

“Okay. Okay, it’s not there. It’s just a blurred screenshot.”

Donghyuck squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold the tears that suddenly had collected, but it didn’t stop them, they still spilt.

Why did they have to add a screenshot? Blurred or not, why couldn’t they just leave it out?

“Lee? Have a tissue.”

His English family-name was almost foreign after so long, but Donghyuck opened his eyes to accept the tissue.

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Again, I’m sorry. I had… no clue. Which I’m just as much sorry for. Something this significant shouldn’t pass me, as a teacher. To be honest, I thought your owners wanted to hinder you. I thought I could stop them if I just didn’t help you to quit. I admit I made up some story in my head even though I don’t know your family at all.

“It just made sense that a Hybrid would come to the land of the free to study. I liked your attitude. America abolished slavery so long ago only to re-introduce it through the backdoor. It’s not right. Any man fighting for his freedom should be supported!”

“I feel ridiculous for my own actions, I apologise. I thought I was doing the right thing by reminding you of the chance you had gotten and refusing to let you go. I never knew…” He paused for another deep breath, but Donghyuck saw him form words without saying them.

He nearly felt a smile tug on his lips as he recognised the curses, but he pretended not to have seen.

It was too late now, but it still felt good to know his professor didn’t think he was here to be used for his body, he also saw it was wrong – and maybe he would have helped Donghyuck had he been able to see this earlier and asked for help.

“You said you’re here for hearings? We’ll let justice take her course then.”

Donghyuck hoped for that.

“Are you seriously going to continue your studies? I said it and I mean it, you’re a good student and you’re trying to fix what’s wrong.”

Yes, he was. One baby step or leap, depending on the situation, at a time.

“I’m trying very hard, but the only way for me seems to be through using what Vassar gave me and for that I need a letter of recommendation as well. If it hadn’t been for Vassar, I wouldn’t be able to do this at all, I’m very aware of that. I know you always treated me the same and I don’t think I ever had the chance to say thank you. So, I’ll say it now: Thank you for giving me this chance.”

The man’s mouth twitched into a smile for a second before he turned away.

“You’re an upstanding and honest young man. I appreciate that. To make up for my ignorance and brash words, I’ll write you a glowing recommendation. By when do you need it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to add that anti-depressants and psychotropics in general can be amazing, very helpful, and you should absolutely consider them if the doctor that is treating you suggests them, but you also need to weigh pros and cons as you always do, there’s no one size fits all medicine. 
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m 50% sure you don’t usually put more than one accused into a hearing, buuuut I’m still no a law expert and I still bend it to my will as I please, so… sorry, not sorry.

The chairs were uncomfortable and Donghyuck struggled to find a way to sit that didn’t squeeze his tail into a pancake. After a minute of scooting around, he gave up. Humans rarely remembered Hybrids needed extra space, so this wasn’t the first time and wouldn’t be the last he’d just have to deal with it. His poor tail would recover.

The chair didn’t matter.

Jungwoo had been right.

Being the plaintiff was different.

Today’s feeling couldn’t even be compared to the dread he had felt walking down the small walkway towards the judge when he had been a witness.

He wasn’t some witness that got excluded. Today, he was respected and where he belonged.

He was ready to face this!

Mrs Jung was next to him, a few papers at the ready. She had been chatting with Haneul before the session had been opened. It had felt like it was just another day, just a meeting between work colleagues maybe.

Admittedly, Donghyuck had skipped breakfast again.

But he didn’t feel like throwing up any second.

His head was in the now. He wasn’t struggling to hang on and flashing back to the showers even when he stared at the other side of the courtroom, where his former dormmate was sitting, shoulders and head hanging low.

He knew exactly what he’d have to say. It wouldn’t slip his mind, not this time.

The exhausting trip and the three days of anxiety were in the back of his head, but it was like they had nothing to do with him, had happened to another person.

The person in the room right now could push his stomach ache aside and sit straight. It felt right because he had the chance to get justice and that encouraged him to vanquish any discomfort he might be feeling. He could comfort himself later, take care of everything wrong later.

The judge finished the formalities of the opening.

Donghyuck had listened attentively, internally checking off the points he knew had to be made. Sure, it had partially been to keep calm, but also because he was passionate about this. Being part of a hearing was exciting just as much as it was nerve-wracking.

In the future, he was going to sit in Mrs Jung’s place, so more people like him would find justice.

With the letter of recommendation on the way to Seoul, he was more certain of his future than he ever had before – even more than he had been last year before all of this mess had gotten in the way. It had hurt, but from the pain, he had grown into an even more determined and much stronger person. Well, or he currently was, his goal wasn’t reached yet, but he knew he was on track to get there.

Mrs Jung went first, presenting her indictment.

It was difficult to hear everything that had happened be repeated, but Donghyuck knew it’d come back up more times today. He used his breathing techniques, everything he could to avoid it getting to him.

He was strong enough for this!

The defendant followed up. They pleaded not guilty. Donghyuck had known about that, but that didn’t make hearing the strung-together excuses and evasions any easier.

They made sense. If he hadn’t been there, he wouldn’t know it hadn’t happened exactly how he was describing it.

For this one, there was no evidence other than both their words against each other.

No one but them had been in the showers when it had happened in the middle of the night.

He hadn’t gotten seriously hurt to the point that it’d still be obvious to a doctor now.

It had been more than half a year ago.

He hadn’t gone to anyone back then.

Excuses that he had been tipsy and Donghyuck overreacted were easily made up.

He felt a little faint when he had to step up and retell the happenings from his point of view yet again.

For a second, he thought he’d break into tears how it had happened the first time.

_He’d get excluded again._

No, he would not. No, he would not cry, he knew what he had to do, to say, he could do this.

And somehow, he could.

He remembered every word.

He recalled the situation all too well because it still haunted him and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get over it.

He might as well use that against the one at fault for that and become his personal revenge demon!

The damp air, the late hour, the scratching of the fans, the scent of alcohol in the other’s breath, the feeling of hard tiles under his knees, then the pain.

The middle ground Donghyuck had originally aimed for was out of reach, but he carried on in a thin and shaky voice nevertheless, keeping as much confidence in his body language as he could manage.

He knew he was speaking the truth.

He knew getting charged for rape didn’t look good on your CV.

That’s why he should have just not done it.

He would have _never_ made something like this up.

Having to quit college didn’t look good on _Donghyuck’s_ CV. Being terrified and anxious held _him_ back in life.

He didn’t want to take the blame or pay for someone else’s crimes.

He wasn’t a toy that’d wordlessly have to accept his mistreatment.

“If there are no more questions, I’d like Mr Lee to sit back down and Mr Allen to respond to the accusations.”

Donghyuck looked at the defending lawyer, but he got a shake of the head back. No more questions.

He had done it.

Without any tears.

Internally, Donghyuck patted his own back. He had done well. He had met his expectations and it felt good even though nothing else about this situation did.

The other student stepped forward.

Donghyuck saw him pick on the cuticles of his right hand. Both fingers were laced with bloody crusts and scabs already.

He knew _just_ as much as Donghyuck did that he had just told the truth.

He, too, was being haunted by the night.

Donghyuck knew the feeling of guilt. He deserved it. He was to blame and he was trying to say he wasn’t, trying to shift the responsibility to evade his fair judgement.

He deserved to be haunted by a bad feeling if Donghyuck got haunted by the demons he was responsible for.

Their eyes suddenly met. Donghyuck wanted to glare back, wanted to let him know how much he resented him, but he couldn’t. He just blankly stared, too exhausted from the last days to find it in himself to convey his internal turmoil.

“Please begin, Mr Allen.”

The young man nodded and cleared his throat.

He’d repeat his attorney's story. It was a good one. Being drunk would mean he could say he wasn’t gay, he had just been drunk. Donghyuck was a Hybrid anyway, he didn’t count as a man. He could say he’d never do this. He could say he had just stumbled around a bit. Donghyuck had overreacted, you know how these Hybrids were, so sensitive.

He was a good student. The story was fabricated to hurt him. He deserved to go free and never be charged for his crimes because there was no proof he had committed them and that meant he was innocent. That was what his lawyer had conveyed already.

It was all bullshit, of course, but it had worked for rapists so many times before, Donghyuck didn’t dare hope the jury would see through it.

These people also weren’t free of stereotypes and prejudice, they weren’t free of their own experiences and opinions, and many of those saw Hybrids, especially cat Hybrids, in a role where it was expected from them to be sexually available.

It was the perfect excuse, but it was a lie.

“First of all,” the other cleared his throat again, blinking quickly.

Donghyuck wanted to feel nothing but hatred for him, but he couldn’t as he watched him fight tears.

It was impossible to forget about what he had done to him for a single second, but Donghyuck wasn’t heartless. He felt bad even though it was weird to do so since he carried the responsibility for both his own worries and for Donghyuck’s anxieties and fears.

“First of all, I owe an apology. I’m very sorry, D-Dongh-hyuck.”

He looked up and Donghyuck had to avert his eyes.

He didn’t know what to feel.

Relief?

Anger?

“I don’t expect forgiveness. My behaviour was… disgusting. I thought it was okay, but the next day I started to realised it was wrong and I had made a terrible decision. I tried to ignore it, but it kept running in my mind because I _am_ guilty. I tried to evade responsibility by not telling anyone. When it was finally found out, I still wanted to get out of it and deny I had stepped that low, but it’s wrong to do that.”

“Mr Allen, excuse me, I believe we should take a second to talk. I would like to request a break,” the defendant cut in.

Donghyuck assumed this was new information to the lawyer as well, but he still wanted to snap at the man to shut up.

It was probably for the better that his voice was stuck in his throat, together with a thick clump of emotions, because the judge spoke for him, much more reasonably that he would have.

“A break can be granted if the accused also wishes to take it rather than finish his statement. Lying to the court is a crime in itself. I’m sure you must be perfectly aware of that, seeing how I just earlier informed you about it, Mr Allen.”

“Y-yeah. It wasn’t the truth what I told my attorney and everyone else. I did all these things and I’m very ashamed I did. I’m sorry for the harm I caused.”

When their eyes met again, Donghyuck didn’t have to look away nor did he want to glare him down.

He was overwhelmed.

He had not expected this.

Not at all.

He had thought they’d have a long discussion before the jury would be asked to cast judgement, a discussion in which he’d try to prove his point and they’d try to prove him wrong.

“I admit to everything exactly how I am accused of it.”

Now it was just… over. That easily.

Donghyuck saw a tear drop off his former dormmate’s cheek before he hid his face from view.

He wanted to feel liberated, maybe even happy, but he didn’t.

“Is there anything you’d like to add, Mr Allen?”

“No.”

“Are there any questions, Mrs Jung?”

“I believe the case is clear, so, no.”

“The jury will now retreat to consider their verdict.”

Donghyuck watched the people get up to leave the room.

Only when the door closed did he realise they had only spent an hour here to present their cases and that had ended in an admission of guilt and an apology.

Was he ready to forgive?

Donghyuck hadn’t thought about it.

He had time to do so now.

They couldn’t leave the court yet, but they were allowed to leave the room to pass the time.

Donghyuck knew the suggested charges for the accusations. If the jury voted guilty, they’d also have to decide on that.

It was like the words to speak were missing between him, Johnny, and Haneul. They were sitting in the hallway, sipping coffee while Jessica was on the phone. Johnny kept texting, probably keeping everyone at home posted even though it’d be almost midnight already.

_“I’m very sorry, D-Dongh-hyuck.”_

He had stumbled over the name, but he had said it.

Donghyuck kept repeating it in his head.

He had looked genuine. He had sounded genuine.

What would he gain from holding it against him?

Nothing.

Yet he wasn’t ready to say ‘it’s fine’.

It wasn’t fine. Not at all. He was better, but not fine.

Maybe in the future when he would be, he’d let him know, but right now Donghyuck remained silent even when he had the chance to quickly exchange a word with him as they re-entered the room just 90 minutes later.

Everyone took their seats once more for the rendition of the judgement.

Donghyuck didn’t look at Allan again.

He just couldn’t. He didn’t want to further blame him, but he wasn’t ready to forgive, so he stared at the judges’ bench as the verdict was read out.

The jury found Mr Allan guilty based on the accusations and his admission of guilt.

He’d have to pay a fine of 5,000 US-Dollars.

His prison sentence was 7 years because he showed remorse and was young enough to change his behaviour.

Mrs Jung’s suggestion had been 10, but Donghyuck had never expected them to agree to that.

Seven years were good enough. He deserved the chance to still live life if he did truly change.

Donghyuck had thought this would be it.

He had expected a weight to lift off his shoulders, he had expected relief, happiness even.

Instead, he just felt numb as the officers locked the handcuffs around his rapist's wrists before he was led from the room.

Maybe it’d hit later.

Maybe he had overestimated the effect after all.

Maybe he had still secretly hoped for a miracle healing from his anxieties even though he should know no such thing existed.

But even in his stunted state of mind, Donghyuck was able to acknowledge: he had gotten justice. He wasn’t a toy to do anything to.

And that was important.

Donghyuck still felt a bit out of it hours later.

They had gotten burgers with unhealthy amounts of chips and sodas.

He had eaten. Somehow, he had been able to, as if the verdict had ripped a hole into his stomach that he hoped to fill with food.

All the grease and the jetlag had made him tired, so by the time they had been back at the hotel and he had showered, Donghyuck had just wanted to sleep.

Everyone at home was sleeping, too. They had talked to Mark and Minjun earlier, but he wouldn’t miss anything right now, so sleep sounded amazing to his tired mind.

It just didn’t come.

“Hyung?”

Johnny grumbled and Donghyuck felt the bed move as he turned.

He reached out, finding Johnny’s arm so he could pull himself closer, curling up against him.

Johnny had nice strong arms. They wrapped around him just right, keeping him safe and warm.

“What’s on your mind, Hyuckie?” He eventually asked when Donghyuck stilled without having said anything.

“Too much. I don’t… know.”

“Okay. Let me know if you do. Want me to tell you a story?”

Johnny’s voice was deep and soothing, making the weird feeling Donghyuck didn’t know the name to disappear slowly.

“Yeah.”

“How about the time I went to Phuket with Tennie?”

“Mm,” Donghyuck hummed. Johnny had already gushed about it plenty, but hearing it again would not take from the joy.

Johnny got started, letting his voice be a gentle and soft tone that slowly lulled Donghyuck in until his eyes fell shut over the tale of white beaches, beautiful waves, and the hot sun.

He drifted into sleep as Johnny retold how they had held hands, walking up and down the never-ending seafront, just enjoying the presence of their loved one, over a tale of shells and treasures found in the sand, and the many secrets the sea never wanted anyone to know. 

Donghyuck woke from nightmares, just as he had ever night here, but with Johnny right next to him, he still found back to sleep until the sun had risen outside the windows and a new day had come.

A new day of hearings.

With jetlag making them wake up early, he still had hours before they had to be in court, though.

Donghyuck waited for anxiety to kick in, for nerves to make his heart race, but nothing happened.

He just felt this odd emptiness as he thought about what would happen.

Why was it like this?

It didn’t make any sense.

It had been entirely different when the verdict against Ten and Xiaojun’s abusers had been spoken.

Even yesterday, it had been different.

If fet like someone had flicked the switch to shut him down and while it was better than the nausea from anxiety, it felt wrong when he knew he should be feeling something right now.

Like he was broken even though he should be the furthest from that.

Donghyuck stared at his phone, at the profile picture he had assigned to Renjun. It was old, from 2016, but he couldn’t find it in himself to ever change it.

Renjun looked adorable. His fringe ended above his eyebrows and his snaggletooth still stuck out without braces trying to tame it yet. Like a little vampire.

Wordlessly, Donghyuck closed the list and opened the gallery instead. He had his photos filed by year, so he opened the 2016 one. It had been a while since he had done that.

He almost melted into the mattress when he saw the soft baby faces of his friends, smiling back at him. His own baby face!

He had time, so he decided to go through the snapshots of life and he recalled what he still could from the circumstances in which they had been taken.

He remembered the first time he had gone to help Renjun. Together with Jeno, they had marched from door to door in Gangnam, trying to educate people about the capabilities of their pets. Many people in Gangnam owned Hybrids, after all, they were a luxury.

Donghyuck had gone into it thinking it wouldn’t be that difficult because it was so obvious. People were just ignorant for some reason, but they must be willing to learn.

Jeno had even been enthusiastic and thought everyone would welcome them with open arms and understand.

The first people that had even opened the door, had hissed at them and showered them with insults. Donghyuck had been angry, but Jeno had been downright shell-shocked, to the point that they had taken a break to have ice cream and restore his spirit and calm Donghyuck’s temper.

Still, to this day, Jeno would give every human a chance to be wonderful, he always expected the best.

Donghyuck remembered the apology he had gotten yesterday.

There was hope. Hardly any person was rotten to the core. Change was possible – for individuals just as much as for society. They just had to keep pushing!

With a small smile, Donghyuck returned to the menu and finally pressed the video call button next to Renjun’s number.

The chair was just as hard as it had been yesterday.

It was a different room, though. A bigger one. There was more than one accused today, so they needed space to fit everyone.

Other than Mrs Jung, he didn’t know any of the people in the room despite having been here yesterday.

Well.

He did know the accused.

Where he had felt… something yesterday, today, he was numb. Maybe it was because of the verdict? Or the apology? Was it good? Or bad? Should he be nervous? Would that be better?

Donghyuck didn’t know.

He just blankly stared without truly seeing anything, not the attorneys, not the jury, not the judge, not the five people who had to answer to the accusations.

It stretched on.

The opening took forever with how many instances there were to address.

The defence took forever.

They were pleading guilty, but.

But Donghyuck had not been clear.

But Donghyuck had led them on.

But Donghyuck had kept quiet.

But Donghyuck had never reached out to anyone.

But Donghyuck should have had if it really had been a problem.

But Donghyuck had complied anyway.

They played the video. It was a piece of evidence and needed to be seen by the jury. Apparently, it also needed to be seen by everyone else in the room.

Donghyuck buried his face in his arms, trying to hold his ears shut as his own voice echoed in them. He felt Mrs Jung push a folder in front of him, so he was hidden from view.

He wished he could have left, but it wasn’t an option, apparently.

It kept stretching on.

More questions.

More excuses.

More rebuttals.

More arguing.

Donghyuck didn’t cry. He didn’t have flashes of memories that would make it hard to speak.

He was just numb as it carried on. He didn’t even know what he was hoping for anymore when the hearing was finally closed and the jury asked to retreat.

It was 7 pm, the middle of the night in Seoul, and the exhaustion made his brain fuzzy.

There would be no decision today, maybe tomorrow, maybe later. All evidence had been presented, now the jury just had to come to a decision. He was done, he could go home now.

With just a bit of luck, he’d never have to see these five again, he realised as they disappeared down the hallway with their entourage.

But, again, he felt no gratification, no relief, no happiness, he just felt… nothing.

Maybe his anxiety had finally snapped, but it had taken all his other emotions with her?

Donghyuck had no idea as he munched on the same greasy food as yesterday, filling his stomach until he felt sick.

“Are you excited to go home?” Johnny softly asked when they were next to each other in bed again, Donghyuck clinging to him because he needed the reassurance.

“I don’t know.” Donghyuck genuinely didn’t. Even imagining seeing Mark, Minjun, Renjun, Jaemin, anyone, it didn’t wake anything in him. “I feel like I should but I can’t.”

Johnny traced patterns against his back, follow all and nothing.

“You’re overwhelmed. I already thought so.”

“Will it come back? I want to feel… good. I want to… feel. I’d even choose anxiety over this.”

Donghyuck couldn’t even cry. He should be upset, but he just wasn’t.

“I think so. Your smart little head was simply overrun and now it has to compute everything before it’ll be back to business as usual.”

“Okay.” Believing Johnny was easy. Johnny never lied, he always wanted his best. “Thank you. Also for coming. You’re the best.”

“It goes without saying, for my little sunshine.”

“Mm, I’ll be more sunshine-y in the future. Promise.”

“I know you will and I’m looking forward to it.”

In the morning, the clouds had ripped open and the sunshine Donghyuck had promised beamed down from between them outside the hotel windows – and inside his heart.

He had been overwhelmed, he now realised as well.

His brain had caught up overnight.

He had woken up with anxiety, which had been greatly appreciated. Just this once.

Because once he had overcome that, he had suddenly felt it:

Happiness.

Relief.

Like he had been freed of some shackles.

The second verdict was proclaimed in the early afternoon, just after they had passed the security check at the airport.

The defendants had been found guilty of the rape charges, the charges for the non-consensual filming of the rape, and the blackmailing.

Donghyuck stretched his arms over his head and twirled around the airport, ignoring the confused stares he got.

He stumbled into Johnny with soft laughter because he was not going to return here anyway. It didn’t matter what people thought.

He was too happy to walk normally.

He had gotten justice – and nothing felt better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do lawsuits go this fast? Absolutely not. Welcome to fiction. 
> 
> It truly feels like the end, right? But it’s not, too many questions are yet to be answered ~
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	38. Chapter 38

The immigration officer glared at the passport, then up at Donghyuck, who was barely able to look straight back at him.

Sleep deprivation made things start to warp before his eyes.

The man looked down, taking Johnny’s passport, then glared up again.

Finally, he picked up Haneul’s and gave his final grunt.

“Two seems excessive, don’t you think?”

“Two what? Pieces of luggage? Oh, business class allows two carry-ons and we had a few free days, so I had to pack for different weather, just in case.”

Donghyuck rubbed his eyes. He was way too tired for this shit.

“Thank you and have a nice day,” Johnny chirped as he pushed Donghyuck away before he could decide that he did have the time and energy to argue.

That was probably for the better.

Their luggage hadn’t been unloaded yet and Donghyuck let his phone connect to the wifi as they waited.

A stream of messages flickered over the screen and he smiled when he saw Mark and Renjun’s.

He had missed them. One week without seeing neither his boyfriend _nor_ brother was unacceptable. The time difference meant it was only Thursday – but it had felt much longer.

Mrs Bae had sent an email, saying she had received the pdf with his letter of recommendation. He tried to read it, but the foreign letters just swam off the page.

Donghyuck needed to sleep. Badly. He needed to kiss his boyfriend. Also badly. He wished he could just combine the two. Maybe he’d take a cab to Yeoksam and stay over…?

The belt started moving, the first suitcases dropping onto it.

The advertisement over the carousel suddenly switched and Donghyuck gaped at the smiling faces of Yangyang and Jaemin.

Here?

In an international airport?

Maybe he was starting to hallucinate from his lack of sleep?

He looked around and, yes, they were on the other screens as well!

Donghyuck fumbled his phone back out and took a picture.

He had heard this would be a thing, but he had not expected it to be such a huge thing!

His tummy felt warm as he looked at his friends and their sunscreen pictures. Sure, they were part of a photo collage that included only humans other than them, but they were part of it! Right here! For the world to see! They were included!

“What happened?” Johnny asked, surprised, as he set Donghyuck’s suitcase down in front of them.

“Oh, well, just the world changing a little for the better. The usual.”

Johnny chuckled and ruffled through his hair.

“Of course, silly me, what else would it be?”

When they emerged from the glass doors into the arrival area, Donghyuck let out a scream, leaving his luggage with Johnny as he fell into a run.

He’d regret this in 1 second when his lungs would cramp, but it didn’t matter.

Renjun groaned and stumbled backwards rather than catch him effortlessly, but they remained upright, which was truly all that mattered. Donghyuck held onto him with all five available limbs for the fraction of a second before he had to release or end up on the floor after all.

“I missed you so much,” he whispered.

He hadn’t been able to say this the first time he had come home.

“So fucking much!”

“Me, too. It felt like a year and not a week,” Renjun whispered back, holding on tightly.

“Excuse me, I didn’t ride the Metro for an hour to be ignored,” Mark complained and Donghyuck finally let go of Renjun.

Apparently, Mark hadn’t been prepared for a hug-attack, which was truly a mistake on his end, Donghyuck was not going to take responsibility for that.

“I missed you, too, oh my god, your hair feels just as dead and dry as I remember!”

He was home and he was free of most of the burden he had carried.

It had actually disappeared, just how he had hoped it would.

Everything else that remained, he could take care of, he knew he could!

Tiredness was overruled by hunger, even for Donghyuck because of the burst of energy seeing Mark, Minjun, and Renjun had given him. They stopped by the most infamous barbecue place on their way home, squeezing their luggage into the corner.

It’d probably smell of smoke forever now, but it truly couldn’t be helped, the priorities were clear.

Donghyuck felt genuinely happy like everything was right and he didn’t think about anything else.

“So thanks to you being away, Mark and I finally got some quality time with Renjun here,” Minjun laughed as Donghyuck cut up the strips of pork.

Wait.

“Renjun?” He repeated. The fourth tone was always difficult, but the more times he did it, the easier it became.

“Oh, yes! I noticed you always use his Chinese name, so I asked him and turns out he prefers that even when we butcher the pronunciation! It’s Ren. _Ren_. Ah, I’ll get there.”

Donghyuck glanced at Renjun.

He knew about that, but Renjun rarely if ever corrected anyone using the Korean version of it.

The silly little smile of pure happiness on his face made Donghyuck’s heart swell.

“Oh, really? How do you say it? Please teach me as well, I want to use it properly, too!” Haneul gasped and Renjun’s smile grew even wider.

Donghyuck was really fucking proud of their…

Donghyuck was really fucking proud of _his_ parents.

Under the table, he felt Renjun’s fingers close around his knee, holding on as if he needed to reassure himself this was happening.

Donghyuck wanted to yell at him that, yes, it was and he deserved every tiny bit of respect and affection and he wanted nothing more than for him to finally find a place in a loving family.

Instead, he let Renjun repeat all the hurdles from R to e to u to fourth tone over and over as he finished the meat to crispy perfection.

Everything was going well.

So extremely, smoothly, suspiciously well.

Not even the hearings for the appeal, still three weeks away, seemed all that worrying to Donghyuck.

No, after his successes, he had gained so much confidence, he even slept without nightmares for two nights.

That was a record!

So, of course, that couldn’t last.

Could it now.

“Hyung!”

Donghyuck jerked up from where he had been marinading cabbage for fresh Kimchi because he was just that good a junior to Taeyong.

“Jungwoo-Hyung, can you come? Quick!”

That was Jeno, who had bounced to open the door for…

Renjun.

Donghyuck dropped his radish and chilli mixture, he didn’t even take off the rubber gloves despite Taeyong calling after him that it would stain terribly if he touched anywhere.

He was the first to stumble into the entrance hall.

Renjun was holding a bloody tissue against his temple, face chalky pale where it wasn’t stained. Blue blossomed under both his eyes.

It was like a punch to the gut.

What had happened?

Who had done that to him?

On a Saturday afternoon at that?

“Oh my, that looks pretty nasty, huh?” Jungwoo’s voice ripped Donghyuck from his state of shock.

He stepped past him without hesitation, immediately kicking into action.

Of course, he would. Jungwoo knew what to do, didn’t he?

“A bit,” Renjun’s voice shook and Donghuck saw tears collect in his eyes.

He wished he could do anything, but there was nothing. He could only stand and watch as Jungwoo gently pulled the bloody tissue off and revealed a gash in Renjun’s even skin.

“Oh, that needs to be glued or you’ll get a mean scar. We should properly clean it to avoid infection as well.”

Donghyuck’s stomach turned even though he could handle blood well.

It wasn’t the injury in itself, it was _why_ Renjun had this injury that made him feel so helpless.

On a Saturday afternoon.

Saturday.

“I hope you’ll take the Hybrid doctor off-duty?”

“S-sure.” But just as he had said it, Renjun’s eyes rolled back and he just dropped where he was standing, a second later securely caught by Jeno and Jungwoo.

Not even that, Donghyuck had been able to do with his Kimchi-gloves on.

He had just stood in his place, frozen into a statue.

“Do you know how that happened?” Jungwoo asked, voice keeping calm while Donghyuck started to strip all his kitchen wear. No way was he going to stay back! Even if he couldn’t help, he’d at least be able to provide support!

“N-no, he looked l-like this when I opened the d-door,” Jeno stuttered, tears in his eyes.

Renjun had already regained consciousness and groaned in discomfort.

“Injoon? We’ll carry you downstairs. I think I’d rather not add to your injuries.”

“Okay,” was all Renjun whispered back.

Donghyuck was sent to get Jaehyun so Jungwoo would have someone there that could actually help him.

He dropped off his cooking utensils with Taeyong and he ran even though he wouldn’t have to.

It got him a coughing attack, but it didn’t matter when he could sit next to Renjun and hold his hand as Jungwoo cleaned him up.

Donghyuck felt his tail thrash back and forth in agitation and he clung to Renjun more than Renjun actually clung to him, but he was so worried about his boyfriend!

Jungwoo explained that his nose was not broken, but had taken a toll and would be sensitive for the foreseeable future even after the bruising would be gone.

Renjun said he looked like he had gotten a nose job and laughed until Donghyuck also smiled a little.

Maybe Renjun was laughing because of the painkillers, though. Who knew?

Jungwoo used surgical tape to fix the broken skin on his temple and finally got rid of all the blood until Renjun looked a lot less like a gang member.

Throughout, Donghyuck held his hand and Renjun remained flat on the patient bed with his legs propped up.

“I’d rather you stay here for a few more minutes and then get up slowly. Jaeyhun, I think I can handle this.”

“Sure?” Jaehyun asked, eying Renjun in concern

“Sure!”

Jaehyun clearly considered protesting, but then threw Donghyuck a glance and must have decided Renjun was perfectly taken care of. The door softly fell shut behind him.

Donghyuck returned his attention to Renjun. The silly grin over the cosmetic surgery joke had disappeared and tears were shining in his eyes instead.

Why? Was he in pain?

Or was it because of what had happened?

“Donghyuck, could you give us a second?” Jungwoo asked softly.

A second to talk privately.

Donghyuck’s heart sank, but he knew he had no place here, just how Jaehyun didn’t.

He got up, but Renjun tugged on his hand.

“It’s fine. You wanna know what happened, right?” His voice was shaky again and Donghyuck slowly settled back down next to him.

“I do,” Jungwoo confirmed and pushed his chair over, sitting down so they were somewhat on eye-level.

“I we-went…” Renjun swallowed thickly, then started again. “I went to lunch with my grandparents. We didn’t talk, we don’t usually, but…”

Donghyuck’s heart ached.

Saturday.

It _had_ been them?

It had _really_ been them?

He didn’t want to imagine they could have hurt him, but he remembered Renjun’s grandmother’s words.

They had already been hurting him. The only difference was that this had been physical, wasn’t it?

Still, that they would go this far was difficult to imagine even knowing their history.

“I just want them to reconsider.” Renjun hiccupped and Donghyuck squeezed his hands as tight as he could without hurting. He wished he could undo this. He wished he could give Renjun loving and supportive grandparents, or parents, but he had no such power.

“I thought they would because… because Donghyuck gave my grandmother the flyers and I thought she’d read them, but she hasn’t, _they_ haven’t, even though it’s been weeks. I wanted to… try again, I guess. First, they listened, but not for long. They got angry. Said I couldn’t know love. So I said I do and I’m seeing someone and then he just… hit me. I thought he’d cuff me ears how he did when I was younger, but he used his fist.”

It was like a stab to the heart.

How could he _do that_? To the boy that he had taken in as _his_ _child_ when his daughter had died?

“What… should I have done? I just let him and he was burnt out after three strikes, but… but what now?”

Donghyuck wished he couldn’t imagine they’d do that, but he could.

“I think this should be reported to the police, Injoon. This is physical assault and they’re your guardians,” Jungwoo calmly suggested, eyes dark and full of worry.

“No.”

Renjun closed his eyes and new tears dripped down his cheeks. “No, I can’t do that to them.”

Donghyuck wanted to object, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place, he didn’t truly understand.

“So? You’ll go back and let them hit you again? What if he doesn’t burn out after three strikes next time? What if he uses something to hit you with? A baseball bat…” Jungwoo stopped, swallowing more words. “A broken nose might be your smallest worry.”

Renjun shook his head and it crushed Donghyuck’s heart.

He looked up at Jungwoo.

Jungwoo had to stop him! He was hurting himself by still trusting his grandparents when they did not deserve any of that! Renjun was much too sweet for them to ever deserve!

“Injoon, I know this hurts, but some people will never change and some people would rather eradicate us in their blind pursuit of letting their unjustified anger out somewhere than open their minds. It’s a laceration now – next time it could be more. Think about the words they use to address you. They hurt as much as a slap, don’t they?”

Donghyuck knew they had to, they had even hurt him like that. Just recalling them made him tear up.

“But… I don’t have anyone but them,” Renjun finally whispered, slowly blinking his eyes open.

Jungwoo nodded, his jaw visibly clenching as he fought tears.

“What about me? My parents? And Mark? And Johnny-Hyung?” Donghyuck carefully asked. “I know it’s not the same, but maybe it could become enough so you no longer have to endure what they do to you?”

Renjun didn’t nod, he didn’t shake his head, and Donghyuck was hurt that he wouldn’t just agree, but he pushed past his own pride.

Underneath that, he knew it wasn’t what Renjun needed. He _knew_ it would never be the same.

Once more, Donghyuck looked up at Jungwoo. Renjun could be the happiest son-in-law, but he’d never be the _son_.

However, there was a place where he could be, in a way.

Jungwoo didn’t need to be prompted. He had picked up a tissue and patted over Renjun’s face carefully, drying the streams of tears.

“What about me? And Taeil-Hyung? What about Sicheng, Jeno, Nana, and all the other kids? I know it doesn’t compare, but I don’t want to compare to anyone that’d punch their child for being different. Being different is important, Injoon, and I know you know that, so I don’t want you to have to listen to anyone that tells you to be ashamed of it when they should empower you.

“I know how it is to have no family when you want one. It’s maddening, lonely, horrible. It drives you to do incredibly stupid stuff, hoping to cope, but it will never help and instead only make it worse. No one deserves that. But you can find a family in people other than the ones you’re related to. If you’re looking for it here, the doors will always be open.”

The silence was only interrupted by Renjun’s constant sniffing, but Donghyuck knew there was nothing else to add.

He felt Renjun squeeze his hands back and put his free one on top, completely encasing it.

“I should cut them out before they kick me out for good,” Renjun rasped, then opened a puffy eye.

“In my opinion, you should cut them out to cease the pain they cause you, but it can only ever be your decision.”

“Do I need a stronger sign that getting punched in the face?” Renjun muttered, then closed his eyes again.

Donghyuck didn’t think he did. The gruesome discolouration under his eyes looked even worse with the red flush they had from crying.

“Hyung?” Renjun reached out until he had caught Jungwoo’s arm and held on. “Thank you. So much.”

“Don’t mention it. I know a thing or two about homophobic family.”

Renjun nodded. Donghyuck knew Renjun knew more about Jungwoo because Jungwoo had helped him after coming out. Jaemin had told him so.

That was why Renjun would find true comfort in Jungwoo offering him to find a new family here.

Donghyuck felt no bitterness, just relief and gratefulness

Just like Jungwoo had said about Renjun’s grandparents, his own family and Heaven didn’t compare – though in a very different way.

“Did your father ever punch you?” Renjun asked after a few moments.

“No. Jaehyun and Yuta were in the way.”

Donghyuck shuddered and almost asked if he had heard that right, but then he reconsidered it.

Yeah, Jaehyun would definitely kick anyone’s ass who’d threaten a person he cared for and you didn’t want to get on Yuta’s bad side.

“So you probably think I’m stupid for even having to consider this. Sorry.” 

The smile on Jungwoo’s face was sad, but not even Donghyuck thought so.

“It’s not stupid when it’s so dear to the heart, Injoon.”

It looked like there was still doubt in Renjun and Donghyuck decided to just spill what was on the tip of his tongue.

“Just because you have such a big heart doesn’t mean you’re stupid. You’re only stupid for stumbling through half of Seoul with a bleeding nose and gash in your head!”

Renjun’s mouth twitched into a tiny smile.

“Now we match, with gashes in the head, I mean.”

“Great, couple injuries? Let’s make it a trend!”

“Dear god, please do not make that a trend, I know who’ll be first in line here,” Jungwoo groaned, but he couldn’t hide the smile on his face either.

That night, Donghyuck slept at Renjun’s.

His grandparents knew where he lived and Donghyuck had seen the fear Renjun had poorly hidden.

Inviting him over while sharing the room with Mark wasn’t ideal. It wouldn’t be long before Minjun and Haneul would return to London and that would change, but Donghyuck would respect everyone’s, including his own, privacy for now.

The goshiwon wasn’t even that terrible since they could giggle together over how little space there was to have dinner or how they had to squeeze into the bathroom to shower. It was probably the least terrible shower in Donghyuck’s life even though Renjun pranked him three times by suddenly spraying him to make him squeak.

Doing such seemingly mundane things was like being allowed in to see a part of Renjun that Donghyuck actually didn’t know yet.

It was the result of something painful, but they turned it into something good, something great even. Donghyuck couldn’t think about his worries in his pursuit to distract Renjun and Renjun was constantly close – if only because there was no room not to be.

Donghyuck loved it. He wished every evening could be like this with Renjun blowdrying his hair and Donghyuck feeding him cookies.

It was exciting.

And it was exciting to kiss, always careful of Renjun’s delicate nose.

It was easy to let Renjun take control because he could trust him. If it got too much, they’d take a break until everything was fine again.

At some point, clothing was in the way and Donghyuck loved nothing more than stripping Renjun off it so he could mark his entire body up as he kept teasing and playing with him until Renjun was a mess, desperately trying to hold his moans with the thin walls all too easily giving them away.

It wasn’t the setting for dragging it out and Donghyuck didn’t want to, he just wanted them to feel good.

Especially after how late it had gotten the night before, Donghyuck had expected to spend the entire morning in bed, preferably unmoving, preferably wrapped around Renjun. Exceptions could be granted for kissing some more.

A bright “We brought breakfast! Can you let us in?” Ruined these plans.

“Oh my god, do I look like a mess?”

“Can you see any hickeys?”

“How bad is my hair? My bruises? The cut?”

“Why didn’t they warn us, this is an ambush, a rude ambush!”

Donghyuck had rarely felt panic at the prospect of seeing Johnny, but there was a first for everything, wasn’t there?

They left their surprise visitors to wait outside the door because they still had to get dressed (and clean up and hide some evidence), but at least neither Ten nor Johnny made any comment when order had somewhat been restored in Renjun’s room and they were finally let inside.

Once more, the tiny flat was immediately too crowded with two visitors and Donghyuck moved out of the way by sitting on the bed.

“Did you take your ibuprofen? Don’t try to take the pain, it’s not good and it helps you heal faster!” was the first thing Ten said rather than mentioning the discolourations Donghyuck must have accidentally left too high up and that were now covered with concealer – but kind of still very obvious.

Renjun reached up and winced when he touched his temple.

“I took it, don’t worry. I’m sure this will be fine soon.”

“Lacerations take longer than you expect them to because they go so deep, so let it take its time or it will scar,” Johnny grinned and ripped open the bag from Paris Baguette.

Donghyuck’s eyes automatically dropped to where long sleeves were always hiding the many many many marks all over Johnny’s body.

If you didn’t look for them, you didn’t notice those peeking out anymore, but they had taken a long time to heal, so long that even Donghyuck’s earliest memories still included the red line over Johnny’s cheek that now was just a pale streak on the skin.

“Yeah. Um. Take a seat? It’s not really the Grand Hyatt here,” Renjun gestured around the room awkwardly.

“Oh, but it’s nice. Sorry for dropping by unannounced, but we have some things to discuss and since you’re kind of involved, it felt better to have you present. Then we thought you probably didn’t have a proper breakfast since you told Johnny this place was bad for cooking and now we brought everything we need plus the order to extend a hug from Taeyong-Hyung,” Ten explained, holding up two more bags, this time obviously packed by Taeyong.

This might be enough to finally bring Donghyuck back up to his original weight in just one sitting.

If only his appetite had not bid him goodbye the second Ten had announced the mysterious conversation to be had. What one earth should there even be to discuss? Donghyuck couldn’t come up with anything even though he tried.

“The amount of ramen I eat would give him a stroke,” Renjun assumed and Donghyuck took a deep breath to push past the anxiety. If he couldn’t even think of anything, it couldn’t be that bad, could it? No need to lose his mind! Patt patt.

They all helped together to spread the dishes without risking any major spills on the sheets and still leaving space for them to sit. Johnny sat on Renjun’s desk chair because he took up the most room.

It was homely. Even though Renjun kept tugging on his collar and was bruised like he was a boxer and Donghyuck should have absolutely washed his tail but instead he was hiding it, which his poor tail was not happy with.

Small sacrifices.

Donghyuck helped himself to one of the pre-portioned servings of rice and stared at his chopsticks. He wanted to eat something even though his body was on strike. He knew this was yummy and he needed nutrition.

After a mouthful of plain rice, he decided to just go for the soup. Taeyong had packaged it in a thermos and it was steaming hot when Donghyuck poured himself some.

The scent had already lingered in the room as everyone else had started before him, but now that he raised it to his mouth, it became strong enough to make the prospect of eating a bit more inviting than it had originally been.

“So, about what Ten and I wanted to talk to you about,” Johnny cleared his throat.

Donghyuck clung to his bowl because his stomach took the opportunity to turn very disgustingly.

No, it would be fine, Johnny was not going to announce he would move to Thailand with Ten, definitely not, it was Donghyuck’s head overachieving.

With another deep breath, he was able to remain calm and wait before freaking out.

Johnny looked nervous, but not to reveal this to Donghyuck and Renjun, no, he kept glancing at Ten as if Ten was the reason why his face was turning softly pink.

Huh?

Donghyuck slowly took a small sip of his soup as Ten glanced at Johnny just as nervously, also turning a little pink.

It felt reminiscent of when Ten and been newly added to the bunch at Heaven. Well, not newly because at first Ten would either flee or stare holes into the ground rather than look at Johnny. More like… a couple of months of Ten having been there and suddenly getting cutely flustered around Johnny.

It was still cute!

Renjun’s chopsticks hitting the plate of Kimchi loudly ripped them from the moment of being cutely in love.

“Yeah we…” “Actually what we…”

Once more, Ten and Johnny looked at each other, surprised.

“You first,” Johnny muttered quickly.

Donghyuck focused on Ten, who tapped his fingers against his Tupperware container with rice.

“So, since you said you’d be alone but you don’t really want to be, right?” Ten stared at Donghyuck, ice blue eyes willing him to remember.

“Yeah, I remember. It’s kinda getting close so my brain loves to bring it up all the time.”

“Well, we thought maybe it’d be better if you weren’t? Because you’re also still very little,” Johnny rambled on and Donghyuck felt a grin tug on his mouth.

He had an assumption where this was going.

And he was in support.

Very much so.

“Am I?”

“Yes, so, Tennie and I thought maybe it could be a good solution if, you know, we moved in with you? Because that way we’d also get a bit of independence from Taeil-Hyung but without having to be all alone and yeah.”

“Aw, you want me as the buffer? Well, as long as I won’t have to relay between you because you’ve fought, I guess that could be an acceptable arrangement.” Donghyuck stroked his chin as if he was contemplating it, but he only managed to keep the act up for a second. “I’m kidding, I’d _love_ that!”

“Yeah?” Johnny perked up as his tail started to wag behind himself a little.

“We don’t do that. If we do that, you can yell at us, fights have to be cleared up!” Ten gasped, but then he turned to Renjun. “Actually, we also wanted you to be okay with that? After all, you might also have an interest in staying over and it only felt right for us to ask you as well.”

Confused about having been addressed, Renjun blinked between Ten, then Donghyuck, and finally Johnny.

“Me? It’s really not my decision, why would you ask me?”

“Because we respect your opinion. You’re as much part of the family as Ten is and your take is important to us.” Johnny softly explained.

Once more, Renjun reached up to his temple, but he remembered before he touched it and would wince in pain.

“Huh. That’s… new.”

“You can take a day or two to consider if you need to, we won’t take it the wrong way.”

Renjun slowly brought a spoon of rice to his mouth, munching on it wordlessly as he stared ahead of himself, quickly blinking.

They all pretended they didn’t see that he was fighting tears. It felt intrusive.

“You know Xiaojun’s song will be released next week? They started dropping teasers already.” Ten finally said to fill the silence with something.

“Oh, wow, I missed that! Is it time already?” Donghyuck gasped.

“It’s almost September, Hyuckie,” Johnny chuckled.

September?

Donghyuck blinked.

Johnny was right. It was.

Three months were almost up.

But nothing happened as he reminded himself of that.

No, he didn’t have a place in uni yet, but he still had time and he was on the right path to get to his goal.

No, he had not yet finished all the hearings to find justice, but only the appeal was left, he was close to reaching his goal.

No, he wasn’t fully back to the unapologetic and confident Donghyuck, but his progress was impressive, he was marching ahead with small setbacks, the goal in sight.

“Um, upon thinking about it, I don’t find any reason why it should be an issue, on the contrary, I’d be very glad to know Hyuckie is well taken care of. Just wanted to say that real quick,” Renjun suddenly chipped in. “I would just like to have permanent visiting rights.”

“Duh.”

“I insist on that!”

“Especially Saturdays.”

“Especially Saturdays?” Donghyuck echoed.

Saturdays, Renjun had to be at his grandparents’ for lunch.

“Yes, especially Saturdays because… I’d like to be with family on Saturdays from now on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE ALMOST DONE! OMG what will I do with myself after this???
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted the time skip, here is the time skip ~ also, um, I have made the executive decision that our favourite virus will not get its huge appearance and ruin 2020 all over in this AU, I believe this is in everyone’s best interest.

“So? How is the library?”

Jaemin was bouncing up and down. Seoul’s winters were always cold and this year had been no different. March was slowly warming up, but after standing outside for over an hour it was only natural Jaemin would be freezing.

Donghyuck had offered to take him along as well, but Jaemin had muttered something about treason.

“Stunning! They truly built it with students’ needs in mind!”

Jaemin frowned and pushed his face into the thick scarf around his neck.

“I bet they did that at KU, too. You’re so biased,” he muttered, barely understandable through the thick wool.

“I never said they didn’t, you only asked about my impression of this library and not how it compares,” Doyoung grinned and tugged Jaemin’s hat down, making the other yelp.

Donghyuck spotted the same news outlet photographer that had been trying to be subtle over the last three weeks. He was snapping pictures as they left the private land of Yonsei and stepped back onto the streets of Seoul.

He had tried to do it on the university’s campus once, but Donghyuck guessed he had run into someone from the administration who didn't want him there.

On public ground, there was no landlord to decide who got to stay or not.

At least the man never followed Donghyuck home or he would have gotten a restraint order.

He understood. It was difficult dealing with the endless fame that came with being not only the first Hybrid to go to college in the US but also the first to attend university in South Korea.

“I’m so cold, we have to go to Starbucks!” Jaemin announced while trying to stick himself to Donghyuck.

“You have a caffeine addiction, I’m pretty sure. We shouldn’t condone this,” Doyoung drily returned.

“I have to get home. We have to film while it’s still light out.”

Jaemin whined as if this was the worst news of his entire life, still clinging to Donghyuck as they descended into the Metro system.

University life was very new. Fresh and exciting. Sometimes scary. Most of it was good, though.

If it got overwhelming, Donghyuck would come home to cuddling Johnny or kissing Renjun and it’d be okay.

That was different now.

What was the same was his passion for learning.

He skipped the group activities, the drinking and the games. He didn’t feel comfortable there, he didn’t feel the need to find friends through that. He could spend his lunch break with Yerim if they overlapped or he used it to manage social media, reply to interview requests, all the many things that came with being part of the Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation South Korea. He had used to only have to do one, but now he had both and while it was a lot, he loved it.

He didn’t miss a single lecture or tutorial and he still hosted his small little segment on the Hybridge channel every other week. He loved both, so it never felt like a chore. It was just fulfilling and made him happy.

He was happy, most of the time. Everyone had a low day or two or some anxiety from time to time, right? It was normal and didn’t ruin his life or compromised how he could live anymore.

In his YouTube videos, he always talked about self-love or confidence, specifically for other Hybrids, giving tips, insights, anecdotes. It came naturally, nowadays. It didn’t get many views, in fact, he was the least-watched compared to Doyoung’s learning videos for Hybrids and Jeno and Guanheng’s educational videos about Hybrids, but it didn’t matter to him. He had his viewership that he felt close to and loved interacting with.

It was fulfilling because he felt like he could help those out there who were like him but not as lucky.

It had only been three weeks since the start of the semester, of course. He might realise he couldn’t keep up with doing this much and if that was the case, he’d step down from some of his duties. He was already leaving the video-editing to Sicheng, but he knew if he asked, everyone would support him even more.

It had also been three weeks since his picture and an article had been published on page one of the educational section of the Hankyoreh’s Monday edition.

Donghyuck had almost fainted, screamed, and cried at the same time when he had seen it and had immediately spammed everyone he knew with a photo of the article, bursting with pride.

He had no idea how Renjun had done that and he wouldn’t tell him anything but that it was connections. Not like it really mattered. The feeling of success didn’t depend on _how_ anyone had decided to print the article.

“The photographer is still following us,” Doyoung muttered as their cards beeped on the gate’s readers.

“It’s tough being a celebrity,” Donghyuck sighed, but he glanced over his shoulder. He didn’t appreciate it. It made him seel unsafe, this would make anyone feel unsafe, even someone who had never been raped on the open street.

It was disrespectful and it wasn’t like anyone needed these photos, so he wished the man could just finally leave!

“Yo! Bugger off or I’ll call the police on you, what place do you have stalking my friend?” Jaemin barked down the station.

A few people turned, eying the photographer with suspicion, and the man seemed so surprised by being called out like that, he tugged his hood over his head and scurried off.

“Thanks. That’s why I need my entourage, to deal with the fans and the press.”

Doyoung playfully tugged on Donghyuck’s ear.

“Don’t let your ego get to you!”

“Excuse me, my ego and I are doing amazing!”

They did.

Sure, it wasn’t all perfect, just how university wasn’t all fun, but it was better.

Donghyuck’s cheeks had never returned to as squishy as they used to be, but it was no longer because he had to skip meals but because of puberty’s last efforts.

He was a man now and he looked the part – even though it felt a bit weird to say so.

Donghyuck liked the more grown-up look. It felt like he was on par with Renjun, the hot, confident, yet kind and sarcastic Renjun he had returned to.

Sometimes he felt sexy, too. In the privacy of his or Renjun’s room, he could allow the feeling without fear. He could do the things that had felt completely natural before anyone had hurt him because of them.

There was this one thing, of course… or two…

“Why is it not heated down here? If I get hypothermia I’ll tell Jungwoo-Hyung you’re to blame!”

“You could have come inside!” Donghyuck whined while Doyoung just snorted.

“No, I could not! I’m a loyal son!”

Donghyuck shrugged. Dog instincts were something he’d never quite grasp.

They were lucky because the train was already pulling into the station as they arrived on the platform. On an early Saturday afternoon, it was quite empty and their small inter-Seoul journey was uneventful save for some unpleasant bumping into people.

It was just a calm day. Many days were calm, recently.

There had been that protest in January, of course, or rather the wave of protests. Donghyuck had frozen his tail off for seven days of sitting on Gwanghwamun in a row.

For what?

For stricter laws on euthanasia. A tiny first step to have them put into place had been taken and Donghyuck definitely contributed it partially to the masses of people, most of them high school pupils, that had defied the cold to stand up for what they believed in.

Of course, not everyone viewed their achievements as positive progress. There were more than enough comments making fun of them, perpetuating old stereotypes.

Some people refused to grow and there was very little Donghyuck could do about it.

He didn’t focus on that. They didn’t deserve his time!

From the street, the big balcony of Taeil’s house was visible and Donghyuck saw people moving. As they got closer, arguing could be heard even down here. It sounded like Yangyang and Jeno and Jaemin picked his speed up.

There were two people who were not allowed to argue anymore and that were Jeno and Yangyang. Donghyuck had asked why he, as Jaemin’s older best friend, was excepted from the equation, but Jaemin had simply said if he’d stop fighting people, he’d be more worried.

So there was that.

Jaemin left them in the entrance hall, barely taking off his shoes before hurrying into the flat in his quest to seperate his boyfriend and best friends, jacket still on.

Chances were Jeno and Yangyang were bickering over whether the clouds in the sky looked more like candy floss or sheep-plushies.

As he behaved like the role model guest he was and put his shoes away orderly how Taeyong liked it, Donghyuck noticed a pair that he had never seen before and was sure didn’t belong to anyone living here.

For a second, he thought Taeil had maybe made true of his musings that he now had a free room and could adopt another kid, but they were brand new and that didn’t quite fit.

Donghyuck was torn between being a hard-working YouTuber and using the natural lighting to film, and investigating. Both seemed extraordinarily important.

Luckily for his consciousness regarding the lighting and video quality, he didn’t even get any further into his decision making than three steps into the hallway because a small crown had built, surrounding the closed living room door.

He could borrow the ring-lights later.

Even Jaemin had forgotten about his mission and joined rather than stop the fight on the balcony. Maybe they should inform the fighting parties of this event because they might be missing out AND this could be an immediate fix for any argument?

To decide that, Donghyuck would need to know what was even going on. It was really in everyone’s best interest here, for science!

Taeyong and Guanheng were right by the door, ears pressed against it, eyes wide and attentive.

“Jungwoo-Hyung is going on about freedom and expressing your opinions,” Taeyong whispered, the greedy for news crowd hanging on his lips.

“What are you doing?” Doyoung asked softly but was immediately shushed.

“We’re investigating!” Jaehyun explained softly when Donghyuck took the free spot next to him.

Doyoung sighed deeply as if this caused him physical pain and loudly walked to the stairs as if he wasn’t dying to know what was going on as well.

“Okay, he’s talking about having papers re-graded if the grade isn’t justified, like, objectively.”

“Are you stalking my Injoonie’s private conversations with his replacement-dad?” Donghyuck narrowed his eyes at Guanheng and Taeyong.

“We thought he was going through it when he showed up with that hair!” Yuta chipped in. “We’re just making sure he’s okay.”

“What hair?” Renjun had not mentioned anything about hair.

“Oh, um, apparently it’s self-expressive hair. Since humans can easily dye it.” Xiaojun explained helpfully.

“Easy is a relative term,” Guanheng added before pressing his ear to the door again.

Now Donghyuck was worried.

“Is his hair green? Please tell me his hair isn’t green.” Renjun was getting kissed plenty, there was no need to go for mouldy puff-fish!

“It’s not green, it’s orange,” Jaehyun beamed.

Donghyuck stared at him, then he stared at his tail, then he stared at the door.

Orange.

As in… orange tabby?

He had to see that. Deep and important discussion with Jungwoo or not. He’d pretend he needed water or he was going to pass out from dehydration on the spot when really it was curiosity that would end him.

Was it really orange? Like his own?

He squeezed past the nosy Hybrids, tail thrashing in excitement. His heart was doing weird things in his chest at the idea of Renjun’s hair being the same colour as his for some reason. Was this weird? It seemed weird, but it was like a part of him would permanently be on Renjun, like a sign they belonged together.

“What are you doing?” “Donghyuck, stop!” “We’re investigating!” “Don’t blow our cover!”

Donghyuck pushed Taeyong aside with little trouble and managed to pry the handle from Guanheng’s fingers to open the door and slip inside.

He was faced with Renjun and Jungwoo both eying the door. Renjun’s face was in a deadpan expression while Jungwoo seemed mildly amused.

None of that mattered because Renjun’s hair was orange, the same peachy colour that most of Donghyuck’s hair had, with the roots dark like his stripes. 

“Injoonie! _Injoonie_!” Donghyuck was not ashamed of the screeching squeak he let out, running from the door to the dining table. “You look so pretty, look, oh my god, look at you!”

The hair was soft under his fingers, nothing like what Mark’s hair been, and Renjun laughed as Donghyuck wrapped an arm around his shoulders and used the free hand to keep petting him.

He knew humans didn’t feel as excited about petting as he did, but it was still a form of physical affection.

“It’s so nice!”

“Um, excuse me, what were you doing out there?” Renjun chuckled.

“I just came home from uni! Your hair colour is like mine, right? It’s so pretty!”

Renjun laughed louder and Donghyuck heard some screeching from the door where Jungwoo busted the nosy crowd, but he didn’t care.

It wasn’t like things remained secrets in this house anyway and no one would use it to hurt.

“I showed them a photo to get it right,” Renjun explained and Donghyuck nuzzled his cheek against the soft strands. “I didn’t expect you to be this excited about it.”

“I’m so excited! I had no idea, why did you do it?”

“Ah, you know… I just felt like it. I don’t even know. Maybe some late teenage rebellion? Right now, I still have the chance to style myself freely. People at interviews judge anyway, the hair won’t make a difference and… I like your hair so much, maybe I wanted the same?”

“Yeah, I know my hair is so cute, but you gave it your own twist. I love it!”

“Thanks. Hey, wait, are you not supposed to be filming a YouTube video? Which raises the question again, why are you here and why was there an assembly of spies in the hallway?”

“Aw, let’s not get hung up on that. Jeno’s been busy fighting with Yangyang anyway, I was pretty much forced to wait for them to finish. ”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

Donghyuck whined. He had successfully pushed Renjun’s chair from the table to fit himself into his lap, letting his tail wrap around Renjun’s legs. There wasn’t much flexibility in it, but one flop over both thighs worked for about 5 seconds until it’d get uncomfortable.

“Why are you here? And did you buy new shoes?”

“Don’t deflect.”

“Fine, I needed to know what was going on, it seemed like you were sharing the secret to eternal life in here!”

Renjun sighed, but he was still smiling.

He knew just as much as Donghyuck that most secrets weren’t kept well here – and that he had no reason to worry any harm coming from them being out in the family because if anything they’d be used to help him even more.

“I asked Jungwoo-Hyung because of the argument I had with my professor and his threats. My scholarship depends on me getting somewhat decent grades and he knows about that because he had one, too.”

Donghyuck nodded even though it was new information. Renjun knew Jungwoo a lot better than Donghyuck knew him, but it wasn’t like Donghyuck was jealous of Jungwoo. If at all, he was sometimes jealous of Jeno, which they had found some amazing coping mechanisms for, so it was fine.

“He gave me really helpful tips and also reassured me to keep doing what I perceive as right. Feels petty good.”

Donghyuck nodded and leaned against Renjun until he started groaning.

Maybe he was getting a bit too heavy for his petite boyfriend, but that was fine, too.

He was happy. A little tired, sometimes a little anxious, but happy and hearing that Renjun was, too, multiplied that happiness by ten, no, a hundred.

Renjun had found a new family, or even two. Maybe one was spread over the globe, in England, Canda, and South Korea, but the other one was right here.

“I’m glad. 我爱你.”

Renjun raised an eyebrow and Donghyuck just blinked his lashes as he leaned in.

No public kisses. They had discussed it.

“I love you, too, but my legs are losing feeling.”

“Aw, if only I could do something about that.”

Renjun snorted and a second later, Donghyuck found himself falling.

Through trying to stop him, Renjun overbalanced just as much as Donghyuck had and they both found themselves under the table, laughing.

Yeah. He was happy. Very happy.

Sometimes he missed his parents.

Sometimes he missed Mark.

Sometimes he had to run down a street and calm down in a convenience store.

Sometimes he had to have someone come with him.

But he had Johnny.

But he had Renjun.

But he could join interviews and appearances again without being scared of taunting their reputation anymore.

But he could stand on stage and explain what needed to change without fear silencing his voice.

And all of that made up for all of the bad days by far.

Donghyuck had realised perfect justice didn’t exist. Life was never fair, that was the nature of it.

He’d have to go to uni, knowing his abusers were still roaming the streets of Seoul, just a few thousand Won poorer but otherwise unpunished even after two trials.

He didn’t want cling to past failures. It happened. He had gotten over it and moved on to bigger things.

“Donghyuck! You’re late! You have a video planned! The sun will be gone soon and then the video quality will be bad!”

Jeno poked his head under the table, frown on his face, but it immediately melted into surprise when he spotted Renjun.

“Oh my god! You’re wearing a permanent couple look! That’s _so_ cute!”

It was definitely was and Donghyuck puffed his chest before crawling out to film the video he wanted to.

It was important to him and part of his contribution to constant change.

After all, changing the world was his favourite hobby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who made it this far: thank you. I would have never expected Moon Diamond to grow into this AU and to find so many supporters and I’m incredibly grateful for that. As of right now, I don’t plan to write more and I feel like here is a good place to end because it feels complete to me. Maybe I’ll return in the future if I find inspiration for another story because there certainly is more potential.
> 
> In the meanwhile, I’d love if if no one left any comments critising my writing or the story under this final chapter bc it does feel very emotional to end such a long story but also slowly let go of this AU that I’ve written in for more than 2 years now (I welcome and appreciate constructive critism everywhere else). 
> 
> Thank you to all my readers, special thanks to all my commenters, and thank you for your patience with this story in particular, writer’s block got me bad over the summer.
> 
> [ Twitter: @155Fox](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155</a)

**Author's Note:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox  
> [Ten, Thai Cat](https://bowwowinsurance.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/siamese-cat-700x700.jpg)  
> [Yuta, Beagle](http://www.zooroyal.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/beagle-hunderasse-760x560.jpg)  
> [Jaehyun, Border Collie](https://img.ohmymag.de/alternative/tier/border-collie_c276ca8d399eee73a1c079a8558d4d7cc1304846.jpg)  
> [Jeno, Labrador Retriever](https://bilder.markt.de/images/cms/hunde/labradorwelpe.jpg)  
> [Donghyuck, Shorthair](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4f/47/a1/4f47a1149e238318689266c5f00a65bb.jpg)  
> [ Johnny, Rottweiler](https://www.animals-digital.de/fileadmin/Bilder_und_Fotos/Hunde/Hunderassen/Rottweiler/Rottweiler-3.jpg)  
> [Taeyong, Russian Blue](https://azure.wgp-cdn.co.uk/app-yourcat/posts/russian_blue1.jpg)  
> [Kun, Bengalese Cat](https://www.bengalcats.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/thor-bengal-cat.jpg)  
> [Sicheng, Dwarf Hotot](https://rabbitsforsaleinnebraska.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/172.jpg?w=640)  
> [Doyoung, Holland Lop](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/62/c9/c1/62c9c1780151f45896b7fa72f20b7521.jpg)  
> [Jaemin, mix](https://i.imgur.com/b6eCPfU.jpg)  
> [Jisung, Samoyed](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn-origin-etr.akc.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/12212924/Samoyed-slide-5.jpg)  
> [Chenle, Maltese](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/86/Maltese_puppy.jpeg/1280px-Maltese_puppy.jpeg)  
> [Yangyang, West Highland Terrier](https://www.zooplus.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/west-highland-white-terrier-im-grass-768x512.jpg)  
> [Guanheng, Shorthair](https://d17fnq9dkz9hgj.cloudfront.net/breed-uploads/2018/08/american-shorthair-detail.jpg?bust=1535566898&width=355)  
> [Xiaojun, Ragdoll](https://www.cozycatfurniture.com/image/ragdoll-cat.jpg)  
> 


End file.
